What one resists persists, what one accepts frees. Otherwise, one is merely suppressing or at most one pursues at 'sth' else or someone else is subsituted.
The 'problem' or it becomes one when one intreprets the 'clouds' for the sky. One can never be rid of the 'clouds' (emotions). The anguish/pain is not from the circumstance/event/situation but cos of the identification with the particular emotion.
However, when one understands, acknowledges, accepts and knows that all emotions are akin to the 'passing clouds' and behind the clouds is the real me (the clear sky) one can handle oneself differently.
It is infatuation or something else no one knows, excepting the person posting it here. Self-honesty is essentially freeing - as to wheter it is wrong/right is subjective. The wise starts the journey from the heart, the unwise from the mind!
Growing up is an inward journey and growing old is an outward one.
Originally posted by VL:How should I start ...
I'm a guy, roamed the earth for 2 decades just any other human being. Had been in sgforums for quite sometimes, but this is the first time I am sharing my personal agony, cause I seriously have no ideas on how to deal with it....
The last time I fell was during my secondary school days, when I miserably took 3 three years to gather my courage to confess to her about my feeling. Furthermore, it's only during the period when we are close to graduate and walk a seperate path, that I manage to buck up myself and confess to her. Although, I succeed but this relationship does not last. I gave up, due to my foolishness of thinking about those contradiction that it will be hard to be together when we walked a seperate path. Back then , I hated that feeling and told myself that will be the first and the last time.
Not long after I enter my poly route, luck was on me (I guess) , a girl actually fall for me and confessed her feeling for me . At first, I was totally against it , but somehow I gave in and gave it a try. I just couldn't get back the same feeling and this result in me giving up again....
I was lost on the track of so called "love". What's love ? I dont need one...? Sometimes, when one said that they are finding for their other half due to the emptiness in their heart? Emptiness ...? I wonder how's the feeling like .... Perhaps, I am just not ready or either not old enough to understand such complex stuff.
Time really flies, I can still rememeber the feeling of the days when I actually sent my "first" home at night after a day of hard work ,revising. I grew up understanding that everything was in the past, it's no longer happening. It's not fair how you were gone and how fast you are moving on, while I am still trap in the past. I grew , grew up of it...
Recently, I found my heartbeat for this girl. She was older then me by three.She stay in Singapore but her homeland is in malaysia. Not possible to be together? Ha, I guess so. The more I get to know her, the deeper I fell... Knowing that she's single, I sent her flowers and a portrait of her to her workplace without leaving my name behind through delivery. I knew she liked them alot as she took a photo of it and set it on her msn display pic. Somehow, I really wonder if she knew it was sent by me....
Can somebody tell how can I tell if she's really interested in me ? I tried to chat with her frequently on msn. She will replied but she never initiated a chat with me for even once. Does it means that she's not interested ? Or she actually felt for the guy that sent her the flowers.
Perhaps, I should just give up ......
If I should go, should I go close to you
How would you think , I have no courage...
The reason is that I, being a fool, is only watching you from a distance.
Afraid of the wait, afraid of ur heart turning my feeling down, and so we feel the awkwardness.
I am a fool who can't say I love you....
try confessing just like the first gal u did. u will be just fine if she accepct u good for u if not just move on life is like that.
Originally posted by mancha:Infatuatiion or love?
The mind can't tell the difference.
Both will have the same motivational force.
The opposite of love is fear, and not hate as commonly perceived.
Rule of the thumb, love move you to the positive, fear to the negative.
Love make you yearn for the girl, fear stops you.
Ultimately its you, that decides what the outcome will be.
Don't fill you mind with "cannot lah", fill it with "can, everything can do"
Even if I tried to tell myself I can do it, I still can''t do it ...
Originally posted by xtreyier:I aint the most polite guy here, nor the politically correct fella around, but i do know that when someone post here on AA, it is only borne out of a need, to sort out confusions. There really is no need to hurt anyone, TS or those who offer their views, right or wrong. This aint speakers corner. There is no need to drive the knife deeper, which sometimes, could be literal than figurative.
We ourselves do not have the answers, no one really does, for none of us are lofty immortals, fully detached from the mortal emotion filled world, capable of clarity that would be inhuman.
Some will try reverse psychology. Some will try other methods, But in the end, it is to help a stranger, sharing a perspective which either one has experienced or taught. I doubt if posters in AA meant any harm, save the odd trolls that are regularly recognised and ignored instantly, for they bear no serious food for thought.
I too, may be deemed a troll, for my perspectives are often at odds at many, but i mean no one any harm, only sharing my perspective, and often up to the reader to judge or discard...
As an answer to TS, i have no solutions, except that you must ask yourself how deep do you treasure and cherish her. If you truly feels she is the one for you, for the rest of your life, then you must somehow pluck up courage to confront her and share your feelings with her.
Your fears are common, just like all of us humans, and that is rejection - the rush of blood into your head and face, the self perceived humiliation, the laughter you sense others and worse, her will utter in your face for being too revealing.
But know what you really want. You are at the turning point of your life. Either you lose something good, which you claim and believe so, or you may end up building a lasting relationship with her.
Once a person is at the end of the road, there is turning back. You really have nothing more to lose, for to walk away, you will lose her, but if she reject you, what would you have lost? Pride? How much is that worth? Reputation? What had she destroyed that you cannot rebuild again, if there is any need in the first place.
SO, what have you to lose by sharing your true feelings, if you are sincere about her?
Dont mind losing my pride, reputation or anything, I am really
sincere about her. But I just can't do it....
Originally posted by Dejomel:Not being a wet blanket or whatever you would call it, but do be grateful.
Less fortunate (literally) people than you have gotten themselves into such "limerence" or "infatuation" situations earlier in life, say about early into their adolescence period? Disrupting their studies, O' Levels, A' Levels etc.
And some teenagers have had really obsessive infatuations at a very young age, that they even start to cut themselves and attempt suicide because they simply were too innocent for one-sided relationships to being with.
But since you aren't just one self-harming teenage kid in secondary one, I guess you just have to go with the flow of life. You learn from you mistakes, and there is no guidebook like
"Dummies guide to stupid infatuations and what silly things not to do even though you are going to do them anyway"
Good luck bro.
Thanks.
Originally posted by i am a human gal:Are you trying to overcome your fear of confession or just looking for support from forumers so that you can give up on her? Happiness is in your own hands, dude. Go after her like how a guy should! So what if she rejects you? That's just a learning experience for you. I'm sure you know this - You won't know the outcome unless you try. Let me know how it turns out. All the best!
Thanks.
Only if I manage to get myself to do it...
Originally posted by Fugazzi:What one resists persists, what one accepts frees. Otherwise, one is merely suppressing or at most one pursues at 'sth' else or someone else is subsituted.
The 'problem' or it becomes one when one intreprets the 'clouds' for the sky. One can never be rid of the 'clouds' (emotions). The anguish/pain is not from the circumstance/event/situation but cos of the identification with the particular emotion.
However, when one understands, acknowledges, accepts and knows that all emotions are akin to the 'passing clouds' and behind the clouds is the real me (the clear sky) one can handle oneself differently.
It is infatuation or something else no one knows, excepting the person posting it here. Self-honesty is essentially freeing - as to wheter it is wrong/right is subjective. The wise starts the journey from the heart, the unwise from the mind!
Growing up is an inward journey and growing old is an outward one.
Thanks for ur post. Helps alot .
Originally posted by VL:
Even if I tried to tell myself I can do it, I still can''t do it ...
Thats because you vocalise the action but you visualise the failure.
Its like when I was taking the motorcycle riding course. In the 2B course,The Plank was my nemisis. I kept telling myself I can do it, and I repeated it like a mantra, but I kept falling of the Plank, because I visualise failure and vocalise to counter it. The subconcious won of course. I overcame that obstacle, when I stared at a fixed point, kept my mind quiet, and see myself as relaxed. I had the training in me, I only have to relax to bring it out.
Try to believe you are a competent fella, or a happy person, and relax. This will take your mind off the thought of your pending failure with the girl, and help you hit off with her.
Common you have it in you, VL.
You know how the mind works.
Originally posted by VL:
Dont mind losing my pride, reputation or anything, I am really
sincere about her. But I just can't do it....
Thanks for your response.
Try to think of it this way:-
You are sincere about her, which means you love her, want her to be happy, and thereby believe you can give her happiness, treasure, and cherish her.
What if, she meets another man, whom are like some, take her for granted, and only want her for his selfish needs, conning her into it, and then dump her when he is sick and tired of her? It does happens, you know, and did happened countless of times to other romantically love struck suspending logic girls before.
She will be sad, disheartened, and may even fear getting into another relationship with another man EVER again, or worse still, being vulnerable to other cheating men.
You claim you are sincere about her, yet are you willing to see her suffer? After all, you claim you are sincere about her, and with that claim, it means you would take good care of her....or are you lying thru your teeth on such claims, bringing only dishonour to yourself?
There is some concern about your fears, but your sincerity should overcome such fears, unless you are actually heartless about her fate.
Look, at worse, she would just reject you politely. No one would laff at an admirer. Heck! You may even make her day and made her happy that someone in this cruel world admires her. She would feel proud deep down in her heart, even as her eyes twinkle with amusement, something rare few would ever get to see anyway.
And better still, after the rejection, a confrontation with the truth and reality, you need no longer pine after her and live in delusion. Painful to live in fantasies. Better to resolve your life matters, then move on and one day you will most certainly be better prepared to handle another good lady that comes your way, as it eventually does for all who loves.
Action is necessary now, buddy. Don't wait, or it may be too late.
Good luck!
Originally posted by mancha:Thats because you vocalise the action but you visualise the failure.
Its like when I was taking the motorcycle riding course. In the 2B course,The Plank was my nemisis. I kept telling myself I can do it, and I repeated it like a mantra, but I kept falling of the Plank, because I visualise failure and vocalise to counter it. The subconcious won of course. I overcame that obstacle, when I stared at a fixed point, kept my mind quiet, and see myself as relaxed. I had the training in me, I only have to relax to bring it out.
Try to believe you are a competent fella, or a happy person, and relax. This will take your mind off the thought of your pending failure with the girl, and help you hit off with her.
Common you have it in you, VL.
You know how the mind works.
I am seriously very thankful for ur continuous replies & encouragement.
The moment I start to think about how to do it , what I am going to do, how am I going to tell her, etc.... Basically, whenever I starts to think about her, my peace and transquil will somehow be disrupted.
My life used to be very carefree and peaceful, I dont bother about much things in life except for my examination grades. My life is in my control, and with determination I am able to achieve accordingly to what I have planned...
As for now, I can't imagine I totally lost grasps of myself. I start to see myself as a loser, a real loser...I start to do stupid stuff like waiting for her to go online on MSN, view her facebook profile regularly, constantly thinking of her, etc...So call "stalking virtually"...
How do I get rid of all this stupid acts...
This feeling is invading my peace and clam...
I want to make sure that I get rid of this feeling... Before, I even really go all out for her ...?At the least...
This is sick...
Originally posted by xtreyier:
Thanks for your response.Try to think of it this way:-
You are sincere about her, which means you love her, want her to be happy, and thereby believe you can give her happiness, treasure, and cherish her.
What if, she meets another man, whom are like some, take her for granted, and only want her for his selfish needs, conning her into it, and then dump her when he is sick and tired of her? It does happens, you know, and did happened countless of times to other romantically love struck suspending logic girls before.
She will be sad, disheartened, and may even fear getting into another relationship with another man EVER again, or worse still, being vulnerable to other cheating men.
You claim you are sincere about her, yet are you willing to see her suffer? After all, you claim you are sincere about her, and with that claim, it means you would take good care of her....or are you lying thru your teeth on such claims, bringing only dishonour to yourself?
There is some concern about your fears, but your sincerity should overcome such fears, unless you are actually heartless about her fate.
Look, at worse, she would just reject you politely. No one would laff at an admirer. Heck! You may even make her day and made her happy that someone in this cruel world admires her. She would feel proud deep down in her heart, even as her eyes twinkle with amusement, something rare few would ever get to see anyway.
And better still, after the rejection, a confrontation with the truth and reality, you need no longer pine after her and live in delusion. Painful to live in fantasies. Better to resolve your life matters, then move on and one day you will most certainly be better prepared to handle another good lady that comes your way, as it eventually does for all who loves.
Action is necessary now, buddy. Don't wait, or it may be too late.
Good luck!
I am also very grateful for your constant replies & helps to a stranger like me, who's not one even of your real life friends or have any blood ties with you. You make me believed that somehow there's still a handful of kind souls around on Earth.
Maybe, she will be able to find someone that's better then me. I have nothing to my name now... I only a student who is working on his future...I am not rich nor do I have a rich family background, not really clever and lastly, I am not as good looking as any actors in Kpop series like "Boys over flower" that will make girls go crazy for....
To make the matter worst, I cannot even present myself like myself in front of her. There's a force holding me back, I tends to be quiet and speak less infront of her... I only can communicate with her better virtually...
Sometimes, I use to wonder if I will ruined her life. I can't even secure or predict my own future, how will I be able to provide her...
Giving up & going back to my carefree and peaceful life will be the wise option instead.... ?
Originally posted by VL:
I am also very grateful for your constant replies & helps to a stranger like me, who's not one even of your real life friends or have any blood ties with you. You make me believed that somehow there's still a handful of kind souls around on Earth.
Maybe, she will be able to find someone that's better then me. I have nothing to my name now... I only a student who is working on his future...I am not rich nor do I have a rich family background, not really clever and lastly, I am not as good looking as any actors in Kpop series like "Boys over flower" that will make girls go crazy for....
To make the matter worst, I cannot even present myself like myself in front of her. There's a force holding me back, I tends to be quiet and speak less infront of her... I only can communicate with her better virtually...
Sometimes, I use to wonder if I will ruined her life. I can't even secure or predict my own future, how will I be able to provide her...
Giving up & going back to my carefree and peaceful life will be the wise option instead.... ?
I sincerly thank you for your kind compliments, but there are many others here whom are just as kind, to share insights and experiences, for what you are going thru is only natural and experienced by many before.
You are a human, and never a loser till you believe yourself one. What had you actually lost that was never in your hands before?
Who amongst us are not without blemish or are a symbol of perfection? None. What is beauty but only a perception in one's mind? One can live with beauty, but no one can live without a good character. It is one's character that defines long term beauty .
Judge yourself not on your outward looks, or the dollars you have on your pocket, but rather, judge yourself on your capability, your mettle - of what you are made up of.
It doesnt mean that if you are poor, you cannot go into a rs. The reality is that only when you enter into a genuine and honest rs will you be able to grow and mature, for where love is, the desire to better yourself for your own and others whom you care about will grow and be strong. No one stays rich, or poor, forever.
It is true that you should be concentrating on your studies instead of looking for a rs. But reading your post, it seems you are caught in a teenage spell that is going to be difficult to break.
She will not be so easily wiped out of your mind, a girl whom had captured your imagination, fantasized and fed daily by your young perceptions of what is love. She did nothing wrong. It is your own roots of fantasy that had taken over your mind.
The only way to exorcise such self created demons is to confront it instead of attempting to hide it deep down in your mind. By confronting it will your fantasies and self created spells be broken.
Confronting it means making attempts to befriend her honestly, let her know who you are, and what you are, then let her make her choice to accept or reject you. Once that decision, whichever way it may be, is made, the truth will break the spell and set you free, free to move on to the path you seek in life either with or without her.
By not taking action now, your self created spells and fantasies will only sink deeper roots, and may even go to extreme ends causing you to do extreme things. Careful there, it is a road you must NEVER venture down, for it will only destroy you and all that you had so hardworkingly worked for.
Originally posted by VL:
I am also very grateful for your constant replies & helps to a stranger like me, who's not one even of your real life friends or have any blood ties with you. You make me believed that somehow there's still a handful of kind souls around on Earth.
Maybe, she will be able to find someone that's better then me. I have nothing to my name now... I only a student who is working on his future...I am not rich nor do I have a rich family background, not really clever and lastly, I am not as good looking as any actors in Kpop series like "Boys over flower" that will make girls go crazy for....
To make the matter worst, I cannot even present myself like myself in front of her. There's a force holding me back, I tends to be quiet and speak less infront of her... I only can communicate with her better virtually...
Sometimes, I use to wonder if I will ruined her life. I can't even secure or predict my own future, how will I be able to provide her...
Giving up & going back to my carefree and peaceful life will be the wise option instead.... ?
Seriously, dude with your type of wishy-washy mindset, I think it's best to drop any idea of getting any girl. Either you do it or you don't. There is no middle-ground. I know we are all humans and we have insecurity issues but just do it anyway. I don't know what you have to lose. Look, you only live once. Make it a good one.
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