complicated r/s & feelings
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im actually quite troubled over this relationship & wanna get some response from more people.
i have been with this guy since last year april on my bday. we started off underground till a period of time whereby a guy keep chasing after me & i gt abit irritated, we decide to let our relationship be known. as time goes by, he treats me better and better. we stayed tgt for a period of time when i leave my hse for some personal reasons. our r/s is kinda strong thru all thick & thin, but im more emotional at that point of time as im still quite insecured & all.
until he got into NS, he somehow changed due to the environment he is in, and he wanted more freedom & time with his NS friends. there was a conversation we were in and im kinda upset cos i tot he always understand how i felt (& he really understands me v well, everytime.) im super hurt & starts to drift away, & moved to another friend's hse. den we ended up like silent break(ard nov last yr).
this yr around feb we got back in contact, ive grown to be more matured & after so long, i realised tt i still loves him deeply, so i tried to salvage the r/s back. but he gone thru hurt tt time & he also think thru alot, knowing what he wants more is freedom and everything else has more priority to r/s now. so no matter what i do, how i can touched him till he cries, also he refuses to patch.(however while he refuses to patch, when we are alone, he still hugs me, kiss me, and sometimes even like sex. he still treats me nicely, trying to be there when i need him.)
but once a third party is around, he will fall back to like a normal friend, i feel super depressed after everytime we met due to this. and its like hot & cold,
until one day (after we didnt meet for 3wks due to his NS), when he has been consistently nice to me for th whole wkend, i cried again, cos i dunoe when this will end and all. i told him all these and said i dunoe how to response to ppl when they asked abt our r/s(cos 1 fren actually saw him hug me,den i impossible say frens only rite). he somehow like ask me to be with him again.
i noe that being together again this time wun be totally the same already cos of his shift in priorties and all. but i dunoe whether he still loves me. cos like other den his family, nobody else really noes, and he didnt really treat me like before, i felt like he didnt cared about me sometimes like the period of time whereby we arent considered so called BGF. im sad, but i dun dare to bring across again, cos i believe that will further stress him or might make him regret. =(
what should i do? or how can i make him treats me like before?
& any idea what can we do if a guy has alot more priorities & you are at the bottom of the list?
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Is he your first boyfriend ?
Girl, he's just making use of you for physical intimacy.
Don't sell yourself short to this guy. There's other guys out there who are better than him and who are ready for a committed relationship.
When you find one who can treat you better, you'd realise how foolish you've been to hold your breath for this old flame of yours.
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He prolly doesnt want to get hurt again knowing what he had been thru last november.
He might be enjoying the sex. If you dont then dont do it with him.
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not together still can hug,kiss? and even sex?
wtf you thinking har? -
i guess you should talk it out with him and ask him what does you tow really are now? as i tink he is taking this that you are giving him for granted?
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after ns, either girl chg or boy chg.
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omg from ur words u are like silently telling us "i want him as boyfriend, but he dun want, but he still touch me, what is it that he wants?" obvious it is lust!
u know there are ppl out there willing to be committed in a relationship as mentioned by jojobeach...
summore he is in NS leh... it is like a test to ur relationship, but then u both failed it... so u trying to retake after forgetting about most of the thing in the subject?
i have met ppl like him b4 and they are just playboy... but well i cant generalize... but i am saying most probably.. probably... not confirm..
well thats all i got to say.
IA -
get over with that relationship
as mentioned by ItchyArmpit and jojobeach it is highly possible he is just taking advantage of u
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Sad to said, u are just a tool he use to to vent his lust.
Sorry.
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i take it u r either in poly or JC?
i dunno what to say, but if he continues doing that, then leave him. i believe there are many better guys out there.
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if only i can find a girl like you man
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Frankly, it is an uphill task to regain what u 'think' u have lost or re-experience what was then.
Unwittingly u acquiesced to whatever transpired between the both of u.
To think that he alone is responsible for these state of affairs and the present predicament that u are in - in short, is simply passing the buck!
Perhaps it is neediness as opposed to love that as lulled u into assuming that all is hunky dory till now.
I would only suggest this lar - unlearn what has been drilled into u that love is ... , life is .... happiness is ... and fulfil yourself from WITHIN, ie, self-love, self-respect, self-esteem and ... .
Self-acceptance is essential for love to bloom. Love starts with self-love. Instead of being selfish one can be self-full (fulfilled in ....love,acceptance, respect,esteem, reponsibility ....).
Always, acceptance creates the milieu for love to grow.
Also, a porous ego and a little foolishness to make mistakes and a little wisdom to avoid past errors would go a long way.
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Originally posted by troubled,:
im actually quite troubled over this relationship & wanna get some response from more people.
i have been with this guy since last year april on my bday. we started off underground till a period of time whereby a guy keep chasing after me & i gt abit irritated, we decide to let our relationship be known. as time goes by, he treats me better and better. we stayed tgt for a period of time when i leave my hse for some personal reasons. our r/s is kinda strong thru all thick & thin, but im more emotional at that point of time as im still quite insecured & all.
until he got into NS, he somehow changed due to the environment he is in, and he wanted more freedom & time with his NS friends. there was a conversation we were in and im kinda upset cos i tot he always understand how i felt (& he really understands me v well, everytime.) im super hurt & starts to drift away, & moved to another friend's hse. den we ended up like silent break(ard nov last yr).
this yr around feb we got back in contact, ive grown to be more matured & after so long, i realised tt i still loves him deeply, so i tried to salvage the r/s back. but he gone thru hurt tt time & he also think thru alot, knowing what he wants more is freedom and everything else has more priority to r/s now. so no matter what i do, how i can touched him till he cries, also he refuses to patch.(however while he refuses to patch, when we are alone, he still hugs me, kiss me, and sometimes even like sex. he still treats me nicely, trying to be there when i need him.)
but once a third party is around, he will fall back to like a normal friend, i feel super depressed after everytime we met due to this. and its like hot & cold,
until one day (after we didnt meet for 3wks due to his NS), when he has been consistently nice to me for th whole wkend, i cried again, cos i dunoe when this will end and all. i told him all these and said i dunoe how to response to ppl when they asked abt our r/s(cos 1 fren actually saw him hug me,den i impossible say frens only rite). he somehow like ask me to be with him again.
i noe that being together again this time wun be totally the same already cos of his shift in priorties and all. but i dunoe whether he still loves me. cos like other den his family, nobody else really noes, and he didnt really treat me like before, i felt like he didnt cared about me sometimes like the period of time whereby we arent considered so called BGF. im sad, but i dun dare to bring across again, cos i believe that will further stress him or might make him regret. =(
what should i do? or how can i make him treats me like before?
& any idea what can we do if a guy has alot more priorities & you are at the bottom of the list?
The condition of how this relationship began wasn't exactly beneficial to its long term growth. Even if you did not explicitly state why this burgeoning relationship had to first exist in an 'underground' state - it subtly reveals a sort of love difficulty, smelling like that I would call a 'Neptune-affliction'. The transitory cohabitation you had with him had a parallel reality; I will explain a little and then you might gradually form a logical portrait of your own circumstances beyond your current POV.
People leave/run away from their home for all sorts of reasons. The problem in leaving their household is not about leaving their parents per se - it's the instability that the situation carries with the person that makes him/her vulnerable. Hence naturally at first sign of trouble, you would seek shelter from your ex-boyfriend, because he is probably your next safe haven.
But what is probably unanticipated is that you would subconsciously be coerced to appease whatever situation or state your relationship is at, simply because you needed a place to stay. Although sex is almost assured on the bargaining plate, but seriously, it is more than just being physical. You are now stuck with a greater quagmire - the prospect of losing your relationship and finding another place to stay, if he should dump you for whatever reasons.
You claimed that you were perpetually insecure. So what would you do to manage this? Of course it would be you suppressing your conflicts and giving in into his requests - sexual or not. I do not deny that women do have her own sexual needs and it would be unfair to say that only the man wants it. But should the notion of sex be more prominent in your situation, this is subconsciously one methodology that your unstable emotion employed itself to 'stabilize' your insecurity through the physical exchange, in hoping that he will stay true, while you still enjoy roof security over your head.
In simple, you have little mobility in your choice of actions.
The 'freedom' excuse he had conveniently cited is almost like saying 'I had enough of sex-at-home routine - I need life outside you for a change'. Now that change has happened, obviously he do missed the sex-at-home routine. The 'checking-back-on-you' strategy is just a facade for another possible occasion for sex, should it arise.
Why do I say that?
As much as you would like to think that you been through a lot of emotional times with him, it's more of how much you needed him than he needed you in reality. You see, he could effectively survive through his love life rather uneventfully, even without your presence. If there are drastic differences between his attitude towards you in private and in presence of a third party, I will explain this discrepancy in a brutally honest manner:
I) He needs the title of being 'single', so as to be 'socially eligible' in our society that values monogamy, to date other girls without being branded as a bastard.
II) He is exceptional nice to you in private because he has a hidden agenda and he doesn't want to reveal to anybody, in any ways. Basically he wants to avoid putting himself in situation where he would be 'questioned' by another person. No question hence no answer needed
He reason for his refusal to patch back is simple. I will be equally brutal here:
"Why do I need to get back with her and shoulder the responsibility of a boyfriend when I can still get intimacy WITHOUT having to shoulder this responsibility? Surely, there are less sex, but there is STILL sex."
Then what's his way of keeping you? Yes! It is the hot-cold treatment! Being ambiguous is the key to prevent you from walking away completely, yet distant enough to deter you from coming too near. You are trapped in this cloud of confusion, so dense that you couldn't even maneuver. Hence remaining stationary is the perfect position for milking and emotional exploitation.
P.S: Your man seemed to display a tendency of being involved in a sub-rosa relationship. Somehow, he seemed to prefer a double life in aspect of his love relationship and is probably karmically linked to a Neptune affliction.
You need to get hold of your life in general and not seek for this anchor in your past relationship; you will find none in this illusion of grandeur.
Cheers
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Originally posted by troubled,:
im actually quite troubled over this relationship & wanna get some response from more people.
i have been with this guy since last year april on my bday. we started off underground till a period of time whereby a guy keep chasing after me & i gt abit irritated, we decide to let our relationship be known. as time goes by, he treats me better and better. we stayed tgt for a period of time when i leave my hse for some personal reasons. our r/s is kinda strong thru all thick & thin, but im more emotional at that point of time as im still quite insecured & all.
until he got into NS, he somehow changed due to the environment he is in, and he wanted more freedom & time with his NS friends. there was a conversation we were in and im kinda upset cos i tot he always understand how i felt (& he really understands me v well, everytime.) im super hurt & starts to drift away, & moved to another friend's hse. den we ended up like silent break(ard nov last yr).
this yr around feb we got back in contact, ive grown to be more matured & after so long, i realised tt i still loves him deeply, so i tried to salvage the r/s back. but he gone thru hurt tt time & he also think thru alot, knowing what he wants more is freedom and everything else has more priority to r/s now. so no matter what i do, how i can touched him till he cries, also he refuses to patch.(however while he refuses to patch, when we are alone, he still hugs me, kiss me, and sometimes even like sex. he still treats me nicely, trying to be there when i need him.)
but once a third party is around, he will fall back to like a normal friend, i feel super depressed after everytime we met due to this. and its like hot & cold,
until one day (after we didnt meet for 3wks due to his NS), when he has been consistently nice to me for th whole wkend, i cried again, cos i dunoe when this will end and all. i told him all these and said i dunoe how to response to ppl when they asked abt our r/s(cos 1 fren actually saw him hug me,den i impossible say frens only rite). he somehow like ask me to be with him again.
i noe that being together again this time wun be totally the same already cos of his shift in priorties and all. but i dunoe whether he still loves me. cos like other den his family, nobody else really noes, and he didnt really treat me like before, i felt like he didnt cared about me sometimes like the period of time whereby we arent considered so called BGF. im sad, but i dun dare to bring across again, cos i believe that will further stress him or might make him regret. =(
what should i do? or how can i make him treats me like before?
& any idea what can we do if a guy has alot more priorities & you are at the bottom of the list?
maybe it's time to start thinking about what u want and how u want to be treated. why? because he's already made it clear to u about:
u being the least of his priorities
not wanting to be in a r/s at this point
if a guy has a lot more priorities and u are at the bottom of his list, start developing ur own priorities as well. stop looking at his list. start looking at ur own list.
always look at ur own list because to begin with, ur list is always more important than anybody else's.
more importantly, since he's already made his stand, everything else that transpires between the both of u, including exchange of emotions & physical intimacy is now "ni qing wo yuan"... for u and for him.
telling u he doesn't want to be in a r/s with u is his "get out of jail card". i doubt he'll be there to shoulder the burden or blame should anything unsavory happen.
u're on ur own girl. and it's not so bad!
because there are 1,692,817 males between the age of 15-64 in Singapore. minus the ah ceks, the homosexuals, the salah ones, the bad ones, the evil ones etc, there's still huge pool out there to pick and choose from. y get bent out of shape for the 1 lousy guy out of the so many okay, so so, and fantabuloso guys in Singapore?
what u should do? just like what yunhaier said, getting hold of ur life is the way out of this quagmire. don't depend on him for the happiness and laughter u deserve.
ur life is ur life.
his life is his life.
no one is responsible for either one of u.
u can go to school, learn archery, find new social circle, watch District 9 with ur friends, read ernest hemingway, go taka and shop, get a new ipod, buy a skirt from topshop and make urself pretty, run in the rain, go for a jog at the reservoir. so many things u can do...
y waste all ur youth, emotions, time and effort on a guy who doesn't even like u enough to give u the basic love and affection u need?
please ignore him. for all u know, when u ignore him and gain ur life back, he'll come to realise what he's missing out on.
but too bad for him, by then u'll realise u deserve much better.
let Time do its work but first, u must move away from this toxic r/s and stop being dependent on him for ur emotional needs. u can do it! u can be trouble free! and problem free!
*pat pat*
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Originally posted by jojobeach:
Is he your first boyfriend ?
Girl, he's just making use of you for physical intimacy.
Don't sell yourself short to this guy. There's other guys out there who are better than him and who are ready for a committed relationship.
When you find one who can treat you better, you'd realise how foolish you've been to hold your breath for this old flame of yours.
yalor yalor what u say ish the correct lori ish the one of the better and the ready for a commited relationship guy
muahahahahaha
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Originally posted by troubled,:
im actually quite troubled over this relationship & wanna get some response from more people.
i have been with this guy since last year april on my bday. we started off underground till a period of time whereby a guy keep chasing after me & i gt abit irritated, we decide to let our relationship be known. as time goes by, he treats me better and better. we stayed tgt for a period of time when i leave my hse for some personal reasons. our r/s is kinda strong thru all thick & thin, but im more emotional at that point of time as im still quite insecured & all.
until he got into NS, he somehow changed due to the environment he is in, and he wanted more freedom & time with his NS friends. there was a conversation we were in and im kinda upset cos i tot he always understand how i felt (& he really understands me v well, everytime.) im super hurt & starts to drift away, & moved to another friend's hse. den we ended up like silent break(ard nov last yr).
this yr around feb we got back in contact, ive grown to be more matured & after so long, i realised tt i still loves him deeply, so i tried to salvage the r/s back. but he gone thru hurt tt time & he also think thru alot, knowing what he wants more is freedom and everything else has more priority to r/s now. so no matter what i do, how i can touched him till he cries, also he refuses to patch.(however while he refuses to patch, when we are alone, he still hugs me, kiss me, and sometimes even like sex. he still treats me nicely, trying to be there when i need him.)
but once a third party is around, he will fall back to like a normal friend, i feel super depressed after everytime we met due to this. and its like hot & cold,
until one day (after we didnt meet for 3wks due to his NS), when he has been consistently nice to me for th whole wkend, i cried again, cos i dunoe when this will end and all. i told him all these and said i dunoe how to response to ppl when they asked abt our r/s(cos 1 fren actually saw him hug me,den i impossible say frens only rite). he somehow like ask me to be with him again.
i noe that being together again this time wun be totally the same already cos of his shift in priorties and all. but i dunoe whether he still loves me. cos like other den his family, nobody else really noes, and he didnt really treat me like before, i felt like he didnt cared about me sometimes like the period of time whereby we arent considered so called BGF. im sad, but i dun dare to bring across again, cos i believe that will further stress him or might make him regret. =(
what should i do? or how can i make him treats me like before?
& any idea what can we do if a guy has alot more priorities & you are at the bottom of the list?
care so much for other people saying for what. i think he is cheating your feeling. sex for what havent marry. try to marry then have sex and you have nothing to lose.at least you got the status.ermm i will suggest a breakoff.if i am u.
think more for other motive.i think guy all is first thing SEX SEX SEX one they use u, u no longer important. then they try to find another girl,then have more girl have sex with them,then throw away them.
that what my friend told me. take care.
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Originally posted by jojobeach:
Is he your first boyfriend ?
Girl, he's just making use of you for physical intimacy.
Don't sell yourself short to this guy. There's other guys out there who are better than him and who are ready for a committed relationship.
When you find one who can treat you better, you'd realise how foolish you've been to hold your breath for this old flame of yours.
seriously?how can you tell?what are the symptoms?
btw,TS,i understand how you feel.there are way better guys out there (but i know you'll still have a hope that he'll love you in return someday)..you deserve better.cheer upppp.
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Originally posted by Yunhaier:
(...)
As much as you would like to think that you been through a lot of emotional times with him, it's more of how much you needed him than he needed you in reality. You see, he could effectively survive through his love life rather uneventfully, even without your presence. If there are drastic differences between his attitude towards you in private and in presence of a third party, I will explain this discrepancy in a brutally honest manner:
I) He needs the title of being 'single', so as to be 'socially eligible' in our society that values monogamy, to date other girls without being branded as a bastard.
II) He is exceptional nice to you in private because he has a hidden agenda and he doesn't want to reveal to anybody, in any ways. Basically he wants to avoid putting himself in situation where he would be 'questioned' by another person. No question hence no answer needed
(...)
Then what's his way of keeping you? Yes! It is the hot-cold treatment! Being ambiguous is the key to prevent you from walking away completely, yet distant enough to deter you from coming too near. You are trapped in this cloud of confusion, so dense that you couldn't even maneuver. Hence remaining stationary is the perfect position for milking and emotional exploitation.
(...)
do all these include..not letting anyone (not even the friends) know the gf's existence even though he promised her his whole heart when they got together?does it also include a sudden change in tone in messages and giving excuses not to meet up?
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Originally posted by plus22:
seriously?how can you tell?what are the symptoms?
btw,TS,i understand how you feel.there are way better guys out there (but i know you'll still have a hope that he'll love you in return someday)..you deserve better.cheer upppp.
are ye asking these questions for yerself ?
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actually after that day's conversation, he asked me if i wanna be with him.
after which, he did intro to me to his family as his gf, but i can somehow feel its different as how it is from the past. i wished to know whether he purposely wanted to be cold so that i wouldnt be relying him so much or he doesnt have to be ALWAYS there for me when i needed him, or what does it means.
we seriously have gone through alot, and i dare say that he's the one that understands me the most, thus i don't really believe that he's such a bastard to only want sex from me.
is there anything that i can do to maybe test his love? or what can i do to make things be the same again?
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he's not someone that will like give excuses not to meet or anything, most prob he will just say how he feels. and yes, his tone of sms-es is different, last time he used to express his affection alot, but not really now.
hmm he's like selectively some friends is ok to know but not all. like his family & our religious group he's ok to let them noe but his other friends, i feel that he dont really wanna let them noe about us. eg, facebook in a r/s with part, he didnt acknowledge tt part, or sometimes when i tag him in some photos, it will appear on his profile pg, he remove th notice on his profile pg.
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The bird of paradise sits only on the palm that does not grasp or close!
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Originally posted by plus22:
do all these include..not letting anyone (not even the friends) know the gf's existence even though he promised her his whole heart when they got together?does it also include a sudden change in tone in messages and giving excuses not to meet up?
Seriously, you cannot just pluck someone else's case, change some variables and get the answer you seek - everyone has different circumstances, even though manifestation can be similar.P.S: If there is something that you seek - feel free to post it in a new topic.
Cheers
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Ms. Troubled,
He has grown up, changed and evolved from his past.
Can the relationship ever be the same as before ? No.
You need to look forward, not backwards.
His inability to openly admits the relationship hurts your self-esteem. You wonder if you are not good enough for him to be proud of you. What you seek is validation. That is something he is not ready to give you, as he is keeping his option open.
He is still wondering if there is a better gal out there more deserving of his love and commitment.