Hi all,
Just a short background info. I am 27, having a stable career in the HR industry having just came back from Australia 1 year ago as i was being forced back by parents.
My older brother is getting married soon. He has already migrated to Australia. My younger sister already has plans to get married with her current boyfriend.
I am the only person in the family that is Single. I wouldn't call myself introverted, but i tend to hang out with the people which i am too overly familar with. Most of the friends that i hang out with i knew for over 10 years.I guess one of the main reasons i am not actively looking is because i seem to not believe in myself. Even though i am 27, i look like a 20 year old.
Sometimes i feel that i am a foreigner trapped in a Singaporean's body, in that foreigners get less pressured to get hitched.
Also i feel that i do not fit in with the "Singaporean" culture with regards to people i am not familar with, and the rat race in organizations. I used to work in Australia and everyone literally treats everyone like friends. They even call their management by their first names. And everyone literally only works till 5.30 sharp.
My dad even bought a new apartment in the central area and has decided to put my name in his will as it. I heard that he actually did this because he wants me tied to Singapore and not end up like my brother, which migrated to another country and only comes back to Singapore once every 2 years or so.
So many problems. How to concentrate on work?
So to sum it up
1) Pressure to get hitched to sink my roots into Singapore.
2) Pressure to stay in Singapore permanantly for the rest of my life to take care of parents when they are older.
Wow, ask yourself what you want. Do you want to settle down ultimately but not now? Talk to your dad about your decision not to stay in Singapore. Singapore is no good place for retirement.
Why do u come back here for work in the first place?
Why did i come back?
Good question. Mostly because my parents did not approve of me working over there. My mum absolute hates Australia. She was brought up in the traditional chinese family type. Even though i did my college, university, and some work over there.
My dad keeps saying that if i am really so capable, that i should get a job that will post me overseas in the future, like some sort of big MNC.
Ultimately, they do not want to end up with a situation where both sons migrate to Australia forever and not come back to Singapore. Especially if my sister marries and has to move out of the family.
With regards to the relationship problem. Its not about settling down. Because they just want me to at least get a girlfriend. Marriage is secondary and they don't really care when i get married.
Although i would say i am very fortunate in life, but material possessions do not make me happy. I prefer the quiet lifestyle compared to the big city mentality that exists in Singapore. (actually spent 3 years in Perth, one of the quietest cities in the world) All i wish for is to settle down, and to actually work to live and not live to work like most singaporeans.
Originally posted by Alpha Omega:Why did i come back?
Good question. Mostly because my parents did not approve of me working over there. My mum absolute hates Australia. She was brought up in the traditional chinese family type. Even though i did my college, university, and some work over there.
My dad keeps saying that if i am really so capable, that i should get a job that will post me overseas in the future, like some sort of big MNC.
Ultimately, they do not want to end up with a situation where both sons migrate to Australia forever and not come back to Singapore. Especially if my sister marries and has to move out of the family.
With regards to the relationship problem. Its not about settling down. Because they just want me to at least get a girlfriend. Marriage is secondary and they don't really care when i get married.
Although i would say i am very fortunate in life, but material possessions do not make me happy. I prefer the quiet lifestyle compared to the big city mentality that exists in Singapore. (actually spent 3 years in Perth, one of the quietest cities in the world) All i wish for is to settle down, and to actually work to live and not live to work like most singaporeans.
Like that, I don't think you will be happy in Singapore. Singapore is not the place for you.
so TS is a guy?
TS, not easy to deal with contradiction. Hope you will be succeed in persuading your parents to let you back. If not try talking to them to migrate there with you. If nothing works out, may be you wanna sacrify your personal desire, interests to keep them company here in sg as long as they live.
Whatever, hope you find the best solutions to your problems.
TS.. perhaps you might consider negotiating a compromise with your parents.
since im sure that your parents wont want to see you unhappy, and neither will you want to see them unhappy.
I agree with fanta.. you wont be happy in sg, on the basis that you're being compelled to stay.
But do note, its your career and your life. You're 27. and since your siblings are in aus, have you tried proposing to your parents the idea of the entire family migrating there?
(though i understand your mum doesnt like it, and it might be a tedious process)..
also.. you might want to ask your parents if they are contented/comfortable retiring in sg. let them know of the lifestyle in aus, and do let them know of your ambitions and career plans. That way, they can too adjust to help you in your future endeavors.
basically.. give them a breakdown. Pros. Vs Cons. then come to a conclusion. best is to sit down with them TOGETHER with your other siblings (if possible) to resolve this issue. That way you'll get 100% clarity out of this situation.
Actually my brother is in Australia.
My sister is in Singapore with no intention of migration.
But as the only son left in the family in Singapore, the responsibility of taking care of parents falls on me because my sister will move out of the family once she gets married.
Although i do understand that the responsibility falls on me due to certain circumstances, but i feel that my best years of my life is being wasted. By the time they pass away i could be 50 already since i am not getting any younger.
My mother has been in Australia many times, she just hates it there because
1) all her family and friends are in Singapore.
2) the food in Australia not as good and she cannot take western food.
Originally posted by Alpha Omega:Actually my brother is in Australia.
My sister is in Singapore with no intention of migration.
But as the only son left in the family in Singapore, the responsibility of taking care of parents falls on me because my sister will move out of the family once she gets married.
That is common in family.
Hmm. Maybe TS can wait for parents to pass away already than inherit their money and than migrate overseas and use the money to enjoy life
Originally posted by fireng:Hmm. Maybe TS can wait for parents to pass away already than inherit their money and than migrate overseas and use the money to enjoy life
hahahhah. YOU are so direct.
Originally posted by Fantagf:
hahahhah. YOU are so direct.
That is what I will do if I am the TS
Originally posted by Alpha Omega:Actually my brother is in Australia.
My sister is in Singapore with no intention of migration.
But as the only son left in the family in Singapore, the responsibility of taking care of parents falls on me because my sister will move out of the family once she gets married.
My mother has been in Australia many times, she just hates it there because
1) all her family and friends are in Singapore.
2) the food in Australia not as good and she cannot take western food.
okok i see. i understand your mum. some folks like that.
Besides, taking care of your parents should be a shared responsiblity.
Regardless of your siblings being in other parts of the world, they too have the same responsibilities as you, to take care of your mum and dad.
If you and your siblings are able to work together to resolve this issue, it'll be a win-win situation for everyone.
besides TS. how old are your parents?? are they able to cope day to day living by together by themselves?
best wishes to you.. biiiiig headache.. i can tell.
My parents are both above 60 already.
And yes sometimes i feel that in life it is almost impossible to balance aspirations with responsibilities.
On one hand you aspire to live your life a certain way, but on the other hand you are constrained because it is too idealistic and cannot just run away from your responsibilities.
Originally posted by Alpha Omega:My parents are both above 60 already.
And yes sometimes i feel that in life it is almost impossible to balance aspirations with responsibilities.
On one hand you aspire to live your life a certain way, but on the other hand you are constrained because it is too idealistic and cannot just run away from your responsibilities.
Probably you can list down the pros and cons of living in Singapore and Australia to you parents. Singapore is definitely not a place for retirement.
For my parents that is not the case.
As you can probably guess, my parents are quite well off. They have enough funds to live the rest of their lives the comfortably. And they have also ensured that their children will not be burdened financially in the future.
Originally posted by Alpha Omega:For my parents that is not the case.
As you can probably guess, my parents are quite well off. They have enough funds to live the rest of their lives the comfortably. And they have also ensured that their children will not be burdened financially in the future.
Are your parents retired? If they are, may be the next time you go back Australia you can bring them along and help to let your mum see the good side of living there. Slowly plan your way to convince her and hope ultimately they will agree to migrate there.
My mum has been a housewife since as long as i remember.
My dad is still working.
Even without the migration issue, the relationship issue is another problem.
My mum hates losing face. Especially to close relatives. She even once lied to our relatives for half a year after i left my last company and was unemployed for that period of 6 months.
She sees all my other cousins who are attached and soon to be married and she cannot help but feel envious of them. She feels that since i do not have much pressure like others (aka: financial burdens due to my family situation) i should focus more of my energies on finding a life partner since i am no longer getting any younger.
She doesn't want me to end up in my mid 30's and still not get married.
Originally posted by Alpha Omega:My mum has been a housewife since as long as i remember.
My dad is still working.
Even without the migration issue, the relationship issue is another problem.
My mum hates losing face. Especially to close relatives. She even once lied to our relatives for half a year after i left my last company and was unemployed for that period of 6 months.
She sees all my other cousins who are attached and soon to be married and she cannot help but feel envious of them. She feels that since i do not have much pressure like others (aka: financial burdens due to my family situation) i should focus more of my energies on finding a life partner since i am no longer getting any younger.
She doesn't want me to end up in my mid 30's and still not get married.
aiyoaiyo...
i can understand your situation. TBH, it isnt easy being in your case.
But i think you'll find it much easier if you can sit down and talk with your other siblings.
Besides your parents wishes, what are your ambitions? That way, i think.. you can work it out with them much better.
cause from my pov, it seems that you're living by your parents rules. Like they decide where you stay, live, work, marry.aiyo..
im sure your parents love you very much, but they might be expressing their love in a manner which you find uncomfortable or unconventional - like the situation you presented.
Most importantly, let them know how you feel. Thats the no.1 rule.
To be honest, i have no ambition.Which is quite worrying in the eyes of my parents.
I just want to earn enough to live comfortably but not too much if it leads to stress. And since i don't have to worry about owning a house or a car. I don't have to earn a fortune to sustain my lifestyle even if i get married.
I have explained to my parents about my situation before. But they always state that responsibilities come before idealism.
With regards to my relationship statusm, a few of my friends say that i will be singing a different tune to life should i find a proper girlfriend that i can love and my perspective on life will be changed forever, they often complain that my expectations are unrealistic.
To TS, i suggest when u hit 40 go back to australia....
Originally posted by Alpha Omega:My mum has been a housewife since as long as i remember.
My dad is still working.
Even without the migration issue, the relationship issue is another problem.
My mum hates losing face. Especially to close relatives. She even once lied to our relatives for half a year after i left my last company and was unemployed for that period of 6 months.
She sees all my other cousins who are attached and soon to be married and she cannot help but feel envious of them. She feels that since i do not have much pressure like others (aka: financial burdens due to my family situation) i should focus more of my energies on finding a life partner since i am no longer getting any younger.
She doesn't want me to end up in my mid 30's and still not get married.
Well, in that case it is more of your mum's problem you are dealing with. What is so shameful about having a son and not attached yet? I am glad my mum does not give me this sort of pressure. I even told my mum I am not for marriage and my mum was supportive and said that it is ok since these days there are so many divorce cases.
Probably on the girlfriend, marriage part you can talk some sense to her. Tell her many are not getting married or are getting married late. It is perfectly fine. I have relatives married in their 40s 50s and are happily married. Age to get married does not matter.
hmm....alpha omega...i can see ur dilemma. You desire a life of your own, a stress free one but your parents are holding you back. Sometimes in life, we cannot be selfish. Your parents having taken care of 3 children and none will stay with them in future? It's really hard to stomach considering all the material comfort and education they have given you all.
At the same time, only you walk your own life....you decide how you want to live it, not your parents. Why can't we live our life the way we would like to?
Well, I think based on a matter of timing and luck, I think you have no choice but to stay in Singapore for the time being. Perhaps you may need to change your "I want out of Sg" mentality and start looking at how you can readjust in Singapore. It will make you happier and the days easier to get by. Be patient...once you parents have gone six feet under in 10-20 years time, you can start planning again.
Just my 2 cents worth coming from someone in your age category. :)
Wow TS in many ways i'm stuck in the same situation as you only that i am alittle younger.. My Approach to this problem so far is this - Nobody not even my parents will have any say in these decisions so fateful to the rest of my life. Although i will personally see to it that they are living the healthy good and happy life, whether with me(the youngest son) or not..
Hmm but your dad buying an apartment in the city is alittle tricky.. see if you can bring up the topic of living with you in another country? If agreeable then u can discuss about what to do with the apartment
Originally posted by Rock^Star:hmm....alpha omega...i can see ur dilemma. You desire a life of your own, a stress free one but your parents are holding you back.
Yes. This is very true.
Sometimes in life, we cannot be selfish. Your parents having taken care of 3 children and none will stay with them in future?
In western societies, children who do not move out of their parents house are deemed "losers" Why can't they be more open and not so conservative? Singapore is pretty liberal compared to many countries already. Most of my friends from foreign lands (America and Australia) say to me, i would just move out if i were you. Many of them moved out of their parents house when they were just 18.
At the same time, only you walk your own life....you decide how you want to live it, not your parents. Why can't we live our life the way we would like to?
I have been wondering about this since the day i reached adulthood.
Well, I think based on a matter of timing and luck, I think you have no choice but to stay in Singapore for the time being. Perhaps you may need to change your "I want out of Sg" mentality and start looking at how you can readjust in Singapore.
One of my former lecturers once said, luck is when opportunity meets preparation. And by the time i reach 40? My opportunity might have passed already. Do i need to not care for my own happiness because of my parents?
I do not have a problem with Singapore. I have a problem with a lot of Singaporeans, that does not mean that every singaporean is like that. Just that in my experience a lot of them are like that. They have this mentality in that they cannot seem to live the simple life, and that they are always having this mentality that they must be No 1. And they are a little too conservative for my liking.
I do not wish for fame, money, or anything else. All i wish for is happiness and freedom. Freedom to do whatever i want whenever i want (without breaking the law of course) without being questioned.