My Incompetence is Affecting My Marriage
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Divorce is the best option. There is no better solution. Your husband is not worth your love. Maybe he has an affair with other lady so thats the reason why he is sick of you now.
You should reconsider your relationship with your husband seriously. If you think divorce is not the best solution then find your husband and sit down for a good talk to see where did the problem come from and solve it together.
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TS, looking from all the posts so far, i have a question:
Has your husband attempted to help you change for the better?
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Originally posted by Admin_Operator:
Divorce is the best option. There is no better solution. Your husband is not worth your love. Maybe he has an affair with other lady so thats the reason why he is sick of you now.
You should reconsider your relationship with your husband seriously. If you think divorce is not the best solution then find your husband and sit down for a good talk to see where did the problem come from and solve it together.
divorce is not the solution leh....the problem lies with the person.....as long never change, go anywhere can also like that one....
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The Missus,
1 serious question - from a marriage counsellor POV - how's your *** life? have you been giving him the time of the day / week? very important. A man without this is an angry man, and will see anything you do as incompetant. You drain a man of his angry hormones and "worship" you and become soft. Know the power you hold in your hand. If you withhold this in any way, he'll be angrier and angrier. Sometimes you just gotta take action yourself. Remember sex is the glue that holds marriages together. No sex for a man, means he'll look for outlets elsewhere or do it himself. If you truly love him... than just do this one thing and the rest will work out. Withhold it and you're asking for trouble... perhaps his heart has wandered to other girls.
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Perharps TS should explore this possibilities....
You may be used to seeking negative attention...why would you choose to distracted.....
It is normal to ask for attention but you can only get negative attention from him...so you might want to take the initiative to changed that.
Example::: When something is done Right...in the relationship Ask for attention don't keep quiet.
There are dialog needed for the 2 of you.
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oh and from the sounds of your post. He doesn't deserve you. Nobody, yes NOBODY should stick around after being told to F-off, even if in the heat of the moment. This type of behaviour should not be tolerated and if you want him to grow up and control this type of rubbish behaviour, the only solution is to get a divorce letter and shove it in his face - tell him to treat u with respect and dignity the next time in the next wedding after the divorce. I'm saying that as a man - I won't take crap like that from my wife, and neither will I ever say to her such things - people like that are low scum of the earth incompetant brats.
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Originally posted by TheMissus:
On the way back when he was still furious, he told me to not give him any more trouble, and "don't waste his time" from now on, and I asked him what he meant by that, whether he still wants to be with me, he said all he said means just that..and he mentioned something about "having no choice".. I think he regrets marrying me.. I feel so heartbroken I kept crying since I was back while trying to pacify me but his heart wouldn't soften.
TheMissus,
Your issue is yourself, wake up gal. Time to change your way. When ever you make a mistake like that money and time is wasted.
You are willing to waste hours crying and being heartbroken then spend that just 1 mins to read your email properly.... !!! If you really want your relationship to work, you have to put in effort.
Put more effort into little things goes a long way. -
Originally posted by TheMissus:
i had a pair of free tickets to Gold Class movie this evening and had arranged to watch it with hubby 2 wks ago. all today I assumed that it was at Great World.We had a mini fight earlier in the day but patched up, then just before going out, we had a mini fight again which made me angry. So my mind was distracted.
He told to check my email to confirm the time and venue and I did, but was distracted when I was in my mailbox. In my mind i was pretty sure that it was at great world. When i was downstairs and got into the car, he once again asked whether I was sure of the venue. Anyway when we arrived,the venue was wrong. I called my contact and found out that it was the wrong cinema. He was soo angry that he refused to speak to me and wanted to go back immediately. He said I wasted his time, energy and he said what made him most furious is how such things keep on happening for the past 2 years and he had told me to check and asked me whether I was sure of the venue and how I actually had the hp no. of the guy I could have just easily called the person before we left.
I pleaded with him and tried to placate him but he refused to listen, he even told me to make my own plans for the next day (Sun) even though I had taken leave on Sun to spend the day with him..
I kept trying to pacify him but he would not budge. I cried and cried my eyes out. He told me that he is sick of me always screwing up in my life, and he said i am irresponsible which causes screw ups like this and that I'm always giving him trouble and when I tried to pacify him asking him to forgive me and not be angry anymore, he kept telling me to f*** off repeatedly.. I cried and cried and my eyes were completely swollen..I told him I would never screw up again,
What should i do? I feel so heartbroken. I feel like a most useless piece of junk. I dun think i deserve him or deserve any happiness. I feel God didnt make me so incompetent and such a screw up.
Hi TheMissus,
Please do not call yourself a useless piece of junk. Everyone have their strengths and weaknesses, and I am sure there are a lot of good things about you, which perhaps are just not as visible to others.
For your husband to treat you as such, that speaks a lot of his character. You may have your miscomings, but they are not to the degree where such foul words are warranted. The reason why he refuses to let you seek help from a counsellor is because of his pride and inability to tolerate criticisms. As such, you will definitely need the aid of a third party in making him understand his attitude problems.
Many women are unknowingly suffering from emotional abuses, and some of them eventually ended up being physically abused by their other half. Please do seek help when there is still some hope for your relationship.
As for yourself, you may wish to pick up new habits which will help in changing yourself for the better. For starters, you can try to double-check things carefully instead of having a quick run-through, and take down notes for everything important. Here is where carrying a notebook along with a pen will come in handy.
It is extremely hard for people to change overnight, thus it will take some time for yourself to change. Let your husband understand that, and try your best in bettering yourself. The same goes for him, with regards to his temper. However, if he ever raises his hands against you, do not hesitate in calling the police. Love is not about emotional and physical abuses.
Cheers.
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TheMissus....
dont be so stress up.try to talk to ur hubby when he already cool down He should be ok with it.Every couple should communicate anything that their feel not right and etc etc...come on,no matter how bad you are, you still the wife.on your side you have to be more careful next time and check properly before you tell him anything.Howver in my opinion, your hubby must also be more tolerance,as what you said you gyuys has been together for 2 years now and he should be more understanding toward you.DIVORCE is the last thing you want to think as the solution for this problem and its not the only way out...Communicate with him and try to sort it out..
take care
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See.
Almost everyone is saying you are a screwup, and you should be more careful in future. The more you read this kind of accusation, the more it reinforces your belief that you are a screwup. And it all started from you, when you declare yourself as a screwup.
Now it has come to such a stage that you are not allowed even one mistake. If you make another mistake, you hubby, and you too, will go 'you ALWAYS mess things up'. You must be perfect from now on. If you did 10 things, and nine of them are done with no hitches, the one will be highlighted as "you live up to your name". Do 20, with eighteen ok, the two will be used against you.
You cannot avoid making mistakes in your life. Nobody can. Your emotions amplify your mistakes. Try writing down you blunders, tally them against all the things you did. See the real situation, not the emotional one.
You must stop putting yourself down. All others are following your cue. Ignore the degrading comments. Yes, it is very hard to do, but just ignore them.
Replace them with the belief that your are a ______ (fun)(wonderful) (thoughtful) person.
You have to start with yourself.
Thats all for now, as for how to deal with the others, including your husband, I have volumes to write.
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Originally posted by mancha:
See.
Almost everyone is saying you are a screwup, and you should be more careful in future. The more you read this kind of accusation, the more it reinforces your belief that you are a screwup. And it all started from you, when you declare yourself as a screwup.
Now it has come to such a stage that you are not allowed even one mistake. If you make another mistake, you hubby, and you too, will go 'you ALWAYS mess things up'. You must be perfect from now on. If you did 10 things, and nine of them are done with no hitches, the one will be highlighted as "you live up to your name". Do 20, with eighteen ok, the two will be used against you.
You cannot avoid making mistakes in your life. Nobody can. Your emotions amplify your mistakes. Try writing down you blunders, tally them against all the things you did. See the real situation, not the emotional one.
You must stop putting yourself down. All others are following your cue. Ignore the degrading comments. Yes, it is very hard to do, but just ignore them.
Replace them with the belief that your are a ______ (fun)(wonderful) (thoughtful) person.
You have to start with yourself.
Thats all for now, as for how to deal with the others, including your husband, I have volumes to write.
haizzz.....TS reminds me of my classmate.....she also got this kind of mentality.....always see emotional situation, not real situation...
mancha, any tips?
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Emotion is a great media for influencing the sub-conscious.
Therefore emotions + a belief gets easily transported into the sub-conscious.
Repetition strengthens the belief.
So when you are flustred and think you have two left feet repeatedly, you will expect to be clumsy, and will really be clumsy. Or any other characteristics you can think of.
You think you are clumsy, or whatever, and you are. Remember, you can just as well think good of yourself. Infuse that thoughts with emotions repeatedly and get it into your sub-conscious.
Truthfully think back about your thoughts and categorise them. Are they happy or moody, and match them against your character.
But bear in mind, years of negative thoughts cannot be erased by a few minutes of positive thinking. You got to persist in the good habit till it becomes second nature. You will dismiss the negatives, and focus on the positives this time.
Dwell on the good things that you have, and be happy thinking about it.
Unfortunately great effort is required, for we will always face "attacks" ( like criticism, insults, humiliation, failures and also blunders) that will seek to undermine the effort.
Count your blessings, always.
Happily.
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Originally posted by mancha:
Emotion is a great media for influencing the sub-conscious.
Therefore emotions + a belief gets easily transported into the sub-conscious.
Repetition strengthens the belief.
So when you are flustred and think you have two left feet repeatedly, you will expect to be clumsy, and will really be clumsy. Or any other characteristics you can think of.
You think you are clumsy, or whatever, and you are. Remember, you can just as well think good of yourself. Infuse that thoughts with emotions repeatedly and get it into your sub-conscious.
Truthfully think back about your thoughts and categorise them. Are they happy or moody, and match them against your character.
But bear in mind, years of negative thoughts cannot be erased by a few minutes of positive thinking. You got to persist in the good habit till it becomes second nature. You will dismiss the negatives, and focus on the positives this time.
Dwell on the good things that you have, and be happy thinking about it.
Unfortunately great effort is required, for we will always face "attacks" ( like criticism, insults, humiliation, failures and also blunders) that will seek to undermine the effort.
Count your blessings, always.
Happily.
Hmmm, you accurately described what i was in the past
it took me years to walk out of it
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Originally posted by mancha:
Emotion is a great media for influencing the sub-conscious.
Therefore emotions + a belief gets easily transported into the sub-conscious.
Repetition strengthens the belief.
So when you are flustred and think you have two left feet repeatedly, you will expect to be clumsy, and will really be clumsy. Or any other characteristics you can think of.
You think you are clumsy, or whatever, and you are. Remember, you can just as well think good of yourself. Infuse that thoughts with emotions repeatedly and get it into your sub-conscious.
Truthfully think back about your thoughts and categorise them. Are they happy or moody, and match them against your character.
But bear in mind, years of negative thoughts cannot be erased by a few minutes of positive thinking. You got to persist in the good habit till it becomes second nature. You will dismiss the negatives, and focus on the positives this time.
Dwell on the good things that you have, and be happy thinking about it.
Unfortunately great effort is required, for we will always face "attacks" ( like criticism, insults, humiliation, failures and also blunders) that will seek to undermine the effort.
Count your blessings, always.
Happily.
Hmmm, you accurately described what i was in the past
it took me years to walk out of it
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Hi Missus,
Honestly I think you are in an unhealthy relationship.
A healthy relationship is one where both parties thrive, not where one party is often critisizing the other and make the other person feel small.
Please think about what I just said.
I think you need to get more self-respect and balance.
And honestly, this is not the first time I read about your husband. I think he is not very good as a man and as a husband. In other words, he is not mature yet.
I would like to give you advice to be more mature yourself, and please dont let yourself to be so beat-up by him emotionally and psychologically. If this is so difficult, please seek professional help, or otherwise, get a divorce. I dont wanna see you wasting your life languishing with an unsuitable husband.
He is treating you like dirt, and the sad thing is, you are accepting it.
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I'm surprised how the word 'divorce' comes out as a suggestion so many times, no wonder divorce rate is increasing.
TS did not even mention she is leaving him or vice versa. They just need time to sort it out. It's never easy for 2 complete strangers to try to live out their lives together for the rest of their lives, so a great amount of effort must be put in to sustain a marriage.
Also, give some space for a guy to space out when he's angry. He doesn't need buzzing flies around when he's cooling down and straightening things out. Remember, guys and gals work differently :)
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Originally posted by Frustrated_guy:
I'm surprised how the word 'divorce' comes out as a suggestion so many times, no wonder divorce rate is increasing.
TS did not even mention she is leaving him or vice versa. They just need time to sort it out. It's never easy for 2 complete strangers to try to live out their lives together for the rest of their lives, so a great amount of effort must be put in to sustain a marriage.
Also, give some space for a guy to space out when he's angry. He doesn't need buzzing flies around when he's cooling down and straightening things out. Remember, guys and gals work differently :)
Yup.....absolutely correct.....
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girls always fall in love with the guys who treat them bad
nothing wrong until marriage
you kinda had it coming eh
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i treat my ex gooooooood, but none stick to me like glue?
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thank you to all who kindly offered me advice and comfort.
the next day, i think he realised that he had overreacted and he came into the room and patched up with me. I can't quite rem but not sure if he might have even apologized to me.after that, we went out and met his friends for lunch, which was the original plan anyway. had lots of fun.
we fight rather often, but lately due to the busy-ness of our work and him feeling very tired from work a lot (and so sleeping early when he's back) we fight less.
anyway christmas is coming and I am hopeful that we will have a nice christmas. he has suggested that I book us a nice festive meal outside in a nice place so we can spend christmas eating nice stuff together.
my unhappiness at work is causing me more pain actually, not my marriage.
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Originally posted by TheMissus:
thank you to all who kindly offered me advice and comfort.
the next day, i think he realised that he had overreacted and he came into the room and patched up with me. I can't quite rem but not sure if he might have even apologized to me.after that, we went out and met his friends for lunch, which was the original plan anyway. had lots of fun.
we fight rather often, but lately due to the busy-ness of our work and him feeling very tired from work a lot (and so sleeping early when he's back) we fight less.
anyway christmas is coming and I am hopeful that we will have a nice christmas. he has suggested that I book us a nice festive meal outside in a nice place so we can spend christmas eating nice stuff together.
my unhappiness at work is causing me more pain actually, not my marriage.
You busy he also busy. Why he put the burden of spending a "nice" christmas out solely on your shoulder, instead of planning together as a couple, is beyond me.
Hopefully he is has not been " bear trapping" you all along.
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Originally posted by jojobeach:
You busy he also busy. Why he put the burden of spending a "nice" christmas out solely on your shoulder, instead of planning together as a couple, is beyond me.
Hopefully he is has not been " bear trapping" you all along.
Maybe cos he earns much more than her.
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Originally posted by insidestory:
Maybe cos he earns much more than her.
LOL. That's so lame.
Since when did marriage becomes master and servant role ?
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Originally posted by jojobeach:
LOL. That's so lame.
Since when did marriage becomes master and servant role ?
Not say master or servant lah.
It's about the value of one's time.
The value of one's time is calculated by taking that person's earning power (salary + 14.5% CPF contribution + bonuses + 14.5% CPF contribution on bonuses + allowances), and divide it by the total amount of time spent at work. So lets say when TS's husband does it and his hourly value is $50 and TS;s hourly value is $10, then rightfully TS's husband's time is worth 5 times more than TS's.
This is common sense. And derived by the brains of many smart people (my smart friends and family). When my brother wonders whether he would bother to spend time queuing or going for a 'deal' in a HP shop or electronic fair, he will see whether the deal/savings gained is higher than the time he spends going there and queuing x his hourly value. If less then he won't bother. Because its your weekend, and if the time it takes, lets say 2 hours, is worth less than 2 hours of YOUR VALUE at work, you should be at home RESTING on the weekend.
How much you command at work is the value of your time.
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Originally posted by insidestory:
Not say master or servant lah.
It's about the value of one's time.
The value of one's time is calculated by taking that person's earning power (salary + 14.5% CPF contribution + bonuses + 14.5% CPF contribution on bonuses + allowances), and divide it by the total amount of time spent at work. So lets say when TS's husband does it and his hourly value is $50 and TS;s hourly value is $10, then rightfully TS's husband's time is worth 5 times more than TS's.
This is common sense. And derived by the brains of many smart people (my smart friends and family). When my brother wonders whether he would bother to spend time queuing or going for a 'deal' in a HP shop or electronic fair, he will see whether the deal/savings gained is higher than the time he spends going there and queuing x his hourly value. If less then he won't bother. Because its your weekend, and if the time it takes, lets say 2 hours, is worth less than 2 hours of YOUR VALUE at work, you should be at home RESTING on the weekend.
How much you command at work is the value of your time.
Huh.. your smart friends and family really so smart , then they still bother to think about queuing or not for a HP ah ? They should be thinking about which servant to send and do the purchasing liao.
How much you value you command at home leh ? LOL !!!