My Incompetence is Affecting My Marriage
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Dun think so much when you have a fight or quarrel with your hubby.
Dun alway think that he want to break up with you when both of you fight.
Just try to communicate more with your hubby and dun put too much stress on yourself.
Or else you will make more mistakes.
Just learn to be more detailed or carry a notebook to remind yourself.
Dun look for a male soul mate or your hubby may get the wrong impression.
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Originally posted by mancha:
er.. I don't condone this post.
okie?
at least try to understand the inconvenience caused to others when ur same kind makes the same blunder ober & ober again. -
Missus,
OK, so you're a scatterbrain or ditzy. How long have you been like this ?
Are you always like this only when both of you have fights ?
Or do you become this way whenever you have too much things on your mind ?
It's unlikely you are like this every minute of you life..else it be a miracle you actually survived till adulthood.
Your husband probably didn't mind your ditziness during courtship, he probably thinks you were "cute", "innocent" and requires his "knightly help".
But now that you are his wife, his expectation is different.
You will become the mother of his children, the one to take care of his needs when he can no longer take care of himself, the one he needs to RELY on during his times of need.
But can he be confident of a ditzy, scatterbrain if his life depends on it ? NO WAY.
What you do today is a sign of things to come ( that's what he is fearful of).
Your promises holds no water, because I'm sure you've promised him before to change, but didn't. He is tired of your "failures", anybody will.
You cannot expect him to change his perception of you, but you can do what you can to earn his confidence.
Rationalize first, be prudent, think things through, consider the consequences.
When your brain starts to space out again.. STOP what you are doing and take a deep breath before you make ANY decision/action.
If you still can't handle it yourself, go and talk to a psychologist.
Good luck.
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Originally posted by Hello Kitty:
at least try to understand the inconvenience caused to others when ur same kind makes the same blunder ober & ober again.You only make one blunder in your life, not over and over again?
Whenever there is a blunder, help out. Rectify, make corrections, not damn a person and make the situation worse.
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u tok ez coz u nt on the receivin end.
our society is tok abt efficiency one.
if u canot mk it, den leave the pack.
join ur kind, dun drag the others dwn.
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Originally posted by Hello Kitty:
u tok ez coz u nt on the receivin end.
our society is tok abt efficiency one.
if u canot mk it, den leave the pack.
join ur kind, dun drag the others dwn.
Well said... for yourself.
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was dat leali so hard to undrstd.
ok nvm, i mk it simpler for u peeps ok.
u all can join forces, console & encourage one another.
juz dun cm disturb us & disrupt our lives; we hv more impt issues on hand.
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The both of you need to eat humble pie and go for counselling. And I mean proper counselling. And do not be cheap about it.
But something tells me that you are a typical Sillyporean lady and will either balk at the cost of counselling, or are skeptical about its effectiveness. Trust me, I've seen numerous marriages saved through counselling. Do it.
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Originally posted by WoShiShuaiGe:
i also in agony wad hav u guys done for me? dumb fk...
hey girl how old? have sex with ur hubby le? wasted
That's why new users are not paid much attention in the forum, because a good half the time they're just trolls.What agony are you in? Take your agony and go somewhere else, fuck yourself meanwhile.
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Originally posted by keeptouch:
TheMissus is 1 of the die hard PAP supporters. Go meet the MP session and tell your MP that you are a hardcore PAP supporter and ask him to help you
Nothing political about her problem, you can't even differentiate.Based on your reasoning, if your mom's a buddhist.. she comes crying to you one day and tells you that your dad got cancer. Would you just ask her to go cry to buddha?
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Originally posted by TheMissus:
i had a pair of free tickets to Gold Class movie this evening and had arranged to watch it with hubby 2 wks ago. all today I assumed that it was at Great World.We had a mini fight earlier in the day but patched up, then just before going out, we had a mini fight again which made me angry. So my mind was distracted.
He told to check my email to confirm the time and venue and I did, but was distracted when I was in my mailbox. In my mind i was pretty sure that it was at great world. When i was downstairs and got into the car, he once again asked whether I was sure of the venue. Anyway when we arrived,the venue was wrong. I called my contact and found out that it was the wrong cinema. He was soo angry that he refused to speak to me and wanted to go back immediately. He said I wasted his time, energy and he said what made him most furious is how such things keep on happening for the past 2 years and he had told me to check and asked me whether I was sure of the venue and how I actually had the hp no. of the guy I could have just easily called the person before we left.
I pleaded with him and tried to placate him but he refused to listen, he even told me to make my own plans for the next day (Sun) even though I had taken leave on Sun to spend the day with him..
I kept trying to pacify him but he would not budge. I cried and cried my eyes out. He told me that he is sick of me always screwing up in my life, and he said i am irresponsible which causes screw ups like this and that I'm always giving him trouble and when I tried to pacify him asking him to forgive me and not be angry anymore, he kept telling me to f*** off repeatedly.. I cried and cried and my eyes were completely swollen..I told him I would never screw up again,
What should i do? I feel so heartbroken. I feel like a most useless piece of junk. I dun think i deserve him or deserve any happiness. I feel God didnt make me so incompetent and such a screw up.
Put in more effort and thought when it comes to things like this the next time. You should do without negative thoughts like you don't deserve him and etc - the union of 2 individuals isn't by any coincidence, and I personally feel that for small issues like this there really isn't a need for one to beg the other for forgiveness.But really, please make it a point to be more prudent with such matters in the future, apologies are just words.. Show some actions! The thing with screw ups like this is that when it happens in a series, people would certainly get annoyed.
You guys are married for 2 years and have been together for god knows how long, surely you know what are the things that would make him ticked, and avoid them. Don't be so negative about things already, tomorrow when he's awake and in a better mood, take your time to talk to him.
相�容易相处难!
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just want to put in my 2 cents worth.
u had gold class tickets n made the trip out. even if u were a muddle head, got the wrong cinema n missed the show... could've easily bought tickets n watched another show. he's either irritated at u over the slightest thing or looking to pick a fight. there r bigger issues that triggered his overreaction. imo he overreacted.
granted he didn't just suffer a bad day at work n all else was fine until the night out n the blunder, his anger was uncalled for - mountain made out of a mole hill. ur crying may have made it worse but still, it's not acceptable to tell a woman to fuck off when she is still crying. must've taken quite a lot from both sides to get to this point.
mancha summed it up much better than i can...
One factor you cannot ignore is your husband. Most notably his reactions. I agree he reacts badly to you. His fuse is shorter now, than when he was courting you. He must learn not to react impulsively. He has to be more thoughtful. He needs to be spoken to. By whom? Someone he would listen to. Like his brother, or best friend. Or he need to go for counselling.
Your husband should be supportive of you, and build you up. Not run you down.
it's not easy to keep a marriage going n iron out the differences on a daily basis. takes a lot of strength n hard work, staying power to keep going. by reading ur last thread u r a good wife, have more belief in urself. u doubt urself far too often. i hope all goes well for u the next morning. or at least kiss n make up. if he turns u down for the kissing and making up bit even after u tried to pacify him, counselling is the way to go. something is clearly amiss.
if he's still ignoring u tomorrow, do watch zombieland i hear it is good. have a snigger or laugh, take ur mind off things. gold class tickets n knock urself out.
life is so damn short, don't spend too much time being trapped in unhappiness.
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Originally posted by keeptouch:
TheMissus is 1 of the die hard PAP supporters. Go meet the MP session and tell your MP that you are a hardcore PAP supporter and ask him to help you
actually I don't even support PAP that much but just to piss you off, i'm GOING TO (confirmed 100%) to vote for them. btw you may like to know that my IC is still registered under my parents' home- an opposite area and my new home is a contested PAP area so I can always declare new add to the voting station. Unlike you, I ALWAYS get to vote every GE. In fact I have a choice of voting to make the opposite area less opposition and the contested PAP area more PAP, depending on my mood.
The most ironic thing abt this is that u can crap here about PAP all you want, but you most likely end up living in a walkover area and have no vote whereas I'm going to vote against your cause just to piss you off. I'd jolly make sure PAP will rule forever, just to piss ppl like you to the grave. Migration is not an option, as no one wants junk that's why you're stuck in SG trolling online abt PAP to ppl who dun give a damn abt PAP and while u are trolling in misery, everyone else including PAP is very happy. How much more of a Loser can you get?
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Originally posted by gunner77:
From a man point of view, I can tell this is not the first time.
Everytime you make a mistake it builds up to his anger.
Dont worry. You still will have another chance after he calm down.
Just don't screw up the next time.
How do you know? what can I do to not infuriate him? I try as well, but honestly, he has a bad temper too and tend to over-react and have a HUGE reaction to my alleged 'mistakes'. When I asked him last night why he had to have a reaction that was disproportionate to my 'crime', he said that he doesn't tink his reaction was disproportionate and claimed that that's why I don't change because I feel so self-righteous about his reaction. I think he is the sort of person who likes to punish the people he loves, when he feels angry. So maybe the way he's treating me when angered is his way of punishing me.
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Originally posted by kopiosatu:
the more u try to pacify him when he JUST got angry, the more he will push u away.
its common guy reaction
Why do guys get angry so easily, and have overly big reaction towards something small? And why do they take a long time to cool down, and why do they say the most hurtful and stinging words when they're angry? Do they stop loving the person when they're angry?
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Originally posted by jojobeach:
Missus,
OK, so you're a scatterbrain or ditzy. How long have you been like this ?
Are you always like this only when both of you have fights ?
Or do you become this way whenever you have too much things on your mind ?
It's unlikely you are like this every minute of you life..else it be a miracle you actually survived till adulthood.
Your husband probably didn't mind your ditziness during courtship, he probably thinks you were "cute", "innocent" and requires his "knightly help".
But now that you are his wife, his expectation is different.
You will become the mother of his children, the one to take care of his needs when he can no longer take care of himself, the one he needs to RELY on during his times of need.
But can he be confident of a ditzy, scatterbrain if his life depends on it ? NO WAY.
What you do today is a sign of things to come ( that's what he is fearful of).
Your promises holds no water, because I'm sure you've promised him before to change, but didn't. He is tired of your "failures", anybody will.
You cannot expect him to change his perception of you, but you can do what you can to earn his confidence.
Rationalize first, be prudent, think things through, consider the consequences.
When your brain starts to space out again.. STOP what you are doing and take a deep breath before you make ANY decision/action.
If you still can't handle it yourself, go and talk to a psychologist.
Good luck.
I have always been quite a scatterbrain. he bought me a T shirt that says Little Miss Scatterbrain before we were married. But when I am at work, my scatterbrain is more 'controlled'
I admit that at home, in our relationship my scatterbrain is not as controlled after we fight, my mind will be transfixed on the fight and unhappiness that I am not really thinking or functioning. Yesterday I said sorry to him many times and he said my sorry doesn't mean anything to him. I made promises before and he said they don't hold any water to him also.
He too has faults that he should change, I don't think anyone is perfect. So I think its not unreasonable of me to ask for time to improve. I surely cannot do it overnight, just like how I dun think he can control his explosive temper overnight or change his flaws - he tends to be very affected by his mood, would react in extreme manners by calling off plans as the mood is not ideal or if he's feeling low.
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he's bound to be pissed if u keep repeating ur mistakes, no matter how small they are.
once or twice, no problem, can forgive u
so what u nid to do is to remind urself not to be so careless anymore
remember, almost all big things start small
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Originally posted by jojobeach:
Missus,
OK, so you're a scatterbrain or ditzy. How long have you been like this ?
Are you always like this only when both of you have fights ?
Or do you become this way whenever you have too much things on your mind ?
It's unlikely you are like this every minute of you life..else it be a miracle you actually survived till adulthood.
Your husband probably didn't mind your ditziness during courtship, he probably thinks you were "cute", "innocent" and requires his "knightly help".
But now that you are his wife, his expectation is different.
You will become the mother of his children, the one to take care of his needs when he can no longer take care of himself, the one he needs to RELY on during his times of need.
But can he be confident of a ditzy, scatterbrain if his life depends on it ? NO WAY.
What you do today is a sign of things to come ( that's what he is fearful of).
Your promises holds no water, because I'm sure you've promised him before to change, but didn't. He is tired of your "failures", anybody will.
You cannot expect him to change his perception of you, but you can do what you can to earn his confidence.
Rationalize first, be prudent, think things through, consider the consequences.
When your brain starts to space out again.. STOP what you are doing and take a deep breath before you make ANY decision/action.
If you still can't handle it yourself, go and talk to a psychologist.
Good luck.
I have suggested before going to the pastor who married us for counselling but he turned down the idea as he doesn't want others or any stranger to know our shit or whatever that he's going through. He is a very very private person, and has a big male ego too.
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Originally posted by TheMissus:
I have suggested before going to the pastor who married us for counselling but he turned down the idea as he doesn't want others or any stranger to know our shit or whatever that he's going through. He is a very very private person, and has a big male ego too.
Since he is a private person with big ego. Then go for a counsellor outside the church and your social circle. Be discreet, never discuss it between your friends and family.
Since he refuse to go, you can go alone, but let him know that you are resolved to change. After a few sessions, when he sees some "improvements" on your part.. he will be more willing to participate and be supportive of your quest to be a better person.
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Originally posted by TheMissus:
I have always been quite a scatterbrain. he bought me a T shirt that says Little Miss Scatterbrain before we were married. But when I am at work, my scatterbrain is more 'controlled'
I admit that at home, in our relationship my scatterbrain is not as controlled after we fight, my mind will be transfixed on the fight and unhappiness that I am not really thinking or functioning. Yesterday I said sorry to him many times and he said my sorry doesn't mean anything to him. I made promises before and he said they don't hold any water to him also.
He too has faults that he should change, I don't think anyone is perfect. So I think its not unreasonable of me to ask for time to improve. I surely cannot do it overnight, just like how I dun think he can control his explosive temper overnight or change his flaws - he tends to be very affected by his mood, would react in extreme manners by calling off plans as the mood is not ideal or if he's feeling low.
After a fight or event of unhappiness, remove yourself from his presence. Find yourself a little "me corner". Perhaps a little cafe or a bench in the park to let your brain "sweat it out". After you have internally dealt with the "problems", then you go back and focus on the family needs.
When you cannot function properly, yet insist on "helping out", you become a burden.
Quit apologising repeatedly. You only need to say sorry ONCE. What is important after "sorry".. is what you do ( not say ) for damage control, and prevent the same "thoughtless-ness" from happening again. If you have to paste stickers all over the house to remind you, do it. IF you need to put a daily reminder alarm on your digital calender, do it.
Before you start thinking about his faults. STOP. Right now, you need to deal with YOUR own fault first.
Highlighting his fault does not make your fault acceptable.
When there's a will, there's a way.
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it takes two hands to clap. If he alrdy knew ur faults before marriage, if he really loves you, he should continue to accept you the way you are. to continuously ask u to fuck off is a sign that he could already be sick of you. both of u should sign up for a counselling service.
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Originally posted by TheMissus:
I have always been quite a scatterbrain. he bought me a T shirt that says Little Miss Scatterbrain before we were married. But when I am at work, my scatterbrain is more 'controlled'
"I have always been quite a scatterbrain. he bought me a T shirt that says Little Miss Scatterbrain before we were married. But when I am at work, my scatterbrain is more 'controlled'"
Obviously your ditziness is not "out of control".
You are able to be less of a scatterbrain at work, because there are serious repercussions for your mistakes.
Now that your marriage is at stake, I'm pretty sure you have the will power to reign in your ditziness, yes ?
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i cn c betta wif wat's wrg now.
complacency is the key word.
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Yes TS... sometimes it will really pisses a person off because of something so simple and yet you could do it wrongly. Further more you have been doing it for so many years, and this might have really pisses your hubby off.
I understand how your hubby felt, because my gf is also quite "imcompetent" in accomplishing something which i think its really really easy. Sometimes it really pisses me off to the max!!
Anyway, i think its better for you to focus on what you are doing everytime. Be positive and have confidence in what you are doing. Do no be distracted easily, and when you want to do something, do it well, do it smart, and others can wait!!
You better stop your incompetence if you want to salvage your marriage, because I can tell you, sometimes it really pisses a person off, because of you not getting a simple thing done.