How to build your partner's self confidence?
-
how can i make my partner more secure about himself and yet not doing unreasonable things that he ask me to. unreasonable things like showing him my sms replies, giving him my passwords to all my personal email accounts...
his insecurity is killing us. he is a nice guy but when it comes to tacky things as such, he becomes a kid. a kid who wants things his way.and when the quarrels get heated up, he calls me names..
my partner is successful at work, but when it comes to problems about relationships, he's absolutely ignorant.
-
Originally posted by Lyris:
how can i make my partner more secure about himself and yet not doing unreasonable things that he ask me to. unreasonable things like showing him my sms replies, giving him my passwords to all my personal email accounts...
his insecurity is killing us. he is a nice guy but when it comes to tacky things as such, he becomes a kid. a kid who wants things his way.and when the quarrels get heated up, he calls me names..
my partner is successful at work, but when it comes to problems about relationships, he's absolutely ignorant.
Hi Lyris,
Trust is a very important factor for a relationship to succeed. The actions of your partner will only create strains in your relationship, and calling you names certainly does not help at all.
Bring your partner to see a relationship counsellor, and have him/her talk it out with the two of you, since your partner is unlikely to listen to you. The most important thing is for him to understand that a relationship is build on love, trust and commitment. Lacking any one of these can easily cause a relationship to crumble apart.
Cheers.
-
Originally posted by Lyris: how can i make my partner more secure about himself and yet not doing unreasonable things that he ask me to. unreasonable things like showing him my sms replies, giving him my passwords to all my personal email accounts...
his insecurity is killing us. he is a nice guy but when it comes to tacky things as such, he becomes a kid. a kid who wants things his way.and when the quarrels get heated up, he calls me names..
my partner is successful at work, but when it comes to problems about relationships, he's absolutely ignorant.
Lyris,
While trust is a must. It is something you must earn.
While you may think the relationship is crumbling because of his insecurity, perhaps it could be your need for " secrecy" that's creating distrust and destroying the relationship?
For a long term relationship to last, being open to each other about your daily life , helps a lot.
Does he gives you access to all his personal communication archives ?
Why won't YOU offer to give him access, to earn his trust ? When you offer to share willingly, he won't need to harp on it so much.
Is there something in your sms or emails you don't want him to know ?
If you think this guy is not someone you want for the long term, then it is understandable you guard your secrecy so fiercely. Your boyfriend will figure this one out soon enough.
Remember, passwords can be easily changed. Is your relationship with this guy worth it ?
-
he gibs me his.
me gib him mine.
we share evrythg.
wat's the big deal.
-
Originally posted by Lyris:
how can i make my partner more secure about himself and yet not doing unreasonable things that he ask me to. unreasonable things like showing him my sms replies, giving him my passwords to all my personal email accounts...
his insecurity is killing us. he is a nice guy but when it comes to tacky things as such, he becomes a kid. a kid who wants things his way.and when the quarrels get heated up, he calls me names..
my partner is successful at work, but when it comes to problems about relationships, he's absolutely ignorant.
Sharing password and such is fine. But asking to see your SMS all the time shows that he does not trust that you will not fool around outside. I bet he probably checks your mail twice a day to see if there is anyone asking you out.
Tell him that if he wants to keep the relationship he has better know his limits. Being a control freak will not result in a happy ending.
-
Originally posted by Diruga Vejida:
Sharing password and such is fine. But asking to see your SMS all the time shows that he does not trust that you will not fool around outside. I bet he probably checks your mail twice a day to see if there is anyone asking you out.
Tell him that if he wants to keep the relationship he has better know his limits. Being a control freak will not result in a happy ending.
The more you deny him, the more he wants of it.
When everything is an open book, he will leave it to dust.
Such is but human nature.
-
I think TS needs a good bf like me
-
Originally posted by Lyris:
how can i make my partner more secure about himself and yet not doing unreasonable things that he ask me to. unreasonable things like showing him my sms replies, giving him my passwords to all my personal email accounts...
his insecurity is killing us. he is a nice guy but when it comes to tacky things as such, he becomes a kid. a kid who wants things his way.and when the quarrels get heated up, he calls me names..
my partner is successful at work, but when it comes to problems about relationships, he's absolutely ignorant.
Usually I only allow such things to happen once, if your partner is a very insecure and possessive person by nature, there is no way you can do to help him except to leave him and help both you and him to stop all the future pains in your relationship.I must admit that many Singaporean guys behaves like this ... I did not say all Singaporean guys, just many of them only.
Successful at work or not has absolutely nothing to do with his ability to handle his own relationships.
I would advise you to leave this childish boyfriend of yours for your own good, regardless whether he's your boyfriend or husband. Guys like him only end up doing more harm to any girls who ended up with him and it's fair for you to leave him for your own good.
Whether you realised it or not, you are already in an abusive relationship and if you want to suffer in silence like a maid, you are free to do so and go ahead to continue to waste your youth babysitting this useless guy of yours when you could find real happiness with someone who knows how to treat you well.
You only live once, so don't allow him to be a greater mistake in your life and only realised it after you had his children.
Guys who doesn't knows how to appreciate Girls for who they are, truly does not deserves to be together and enjoys the love offered by the Girls.
I must warn you, alot of like-minded childish guys in here would prefer to see you ENSLAVED at the hands of your childish guy than help you find your own happiness sincerely.
I'm not a guy and I'm on your side.
-
OP- It depends on whether or not you are bf/gf or married, as your post doesnt specify. I think it's bf/gf, but not 100% sure.
If you are bf/gf, then you can tell him once- what you're doing shows you are insecure socially, and you dont trust me. I really like you, but you're insecurity and neediness is killing us. If you keep nagging me, I'm going to break upwith you.
Then show him a couple of websites explainging how his loser behaviour turns girls away.
If you are married, then you cant quite threaten him with breaking up, but hopefully he's mildly mature and he'll listen to you.
In both cases, since telling him face to face is not easy for many people to do, try handwriting it in a letter for him to find and read, so he has time to take in the message, and there's time for the emotions of anger, rejection, hurt etc to go away.
-
hahas, sound like my ex.i tell you, i just simply go against him, and talk it out to him. no point doing such pathetic things.tell him, you got a life. if he is not sercure, ask him to do back the same things as tp what he ask you to do.dont be his dog.
-
My advice to you is to, treat him as fellow person, with generic needs and expectations.
Some things you may take the extreme (or in another case, taken for granted) if you had something in common for a long time... may happen to anybody even families.
But for guys, some of us are mainly control freaks, what I suggest is to give him a set of rule:ultimatum with associated rewards:punishments on paper and practice and communicate that to him, STRICTLY.
Make sure he knows you are a principled person, and hence that guy would have less "issues" if you gone "astray". Also possible to probe for the issue if he continues to be paronoid.
-
you have to ask yourself, do you still love him and still want to stick with him? ask yourself this, is this worth the effort in keeping the flame?
if the answer is no, you know what to do next. there are other good and nicer guys around, so keep a look out.
-
Originally posted by HeartHunter:
My advice to you is to, treat him as fellow person, with generic needs and expectations.
Some things you may take the extreme (or in another case, taken for granted) if you had something in common for a long time... may happen to anybody even families.
But for guys, some of us are mainly control freaks, what I suggest is to give him a set of rule:ultimatum with associated rewards:punishments on paper and practice and communicate that to him, STRICTLY.
Make sure he knows you are a principled person, and hence that guy would have less "issues" if you gone "astray". Also possible to probe for the issue if he continues to be paronoid.
Are you sure it's only "some" are mainly control freaks?It's good for Girls to know that some guys can at least be brave enough to speak the truth about themselves.
-
Truth? You sound as if SG males are made of rubbish.
I say in a relationship its a mixture of give and take, if that is your 'truth' I may not know, but I definately do not agree with your conclusion that guys are not brave enough to speak truth about themselves.
Reminds me of the newspaper article saying men are pigs...hmmm.
-
What kind of partner? 1.Relatioinship? 2.Married? 3.Business?
For the first two, there should be trust AND respect. This sort of question shouldn't arise at all.
Ok, so you have hitched up with him. Don't give him any of your pass word, PIN, or show him our SMSs, and see how he reacts.
If he takes it in his stride, ok.
If not, dump him now, rather than divorce him later.
You owe it to yourself to choose a suitable partner. For yourself and your children's sake.
You got to have some space, he does not own you, ever.
If you choose volunteer the information, it your business, but if he demand it, please put your foot down.
-
if I were you, I will ask for a break cos frankly I cant stand a spoilt brat making tantrums. same for a girlfriend.
-
The topic poster wants solutions, while most feedbacks are mostly asking her to exit from relationship...
Sounds very irresponsible.
-
TS is with an irresponsible male, I don't think anyone in the correct mind would provide excusable solutions to make TS feel responsible for her irresponsible male.
If a guy doesn't know how to appreciate his girl in the right way, then he definitely need to learn how to appreciate his girl in the HARD way.
Defending your fellow male buddies without any considerable regards for TS is definitely an irresponsible mindset.
Please tell me TS's partner is right and we can all have a good argument about it.
-
Originally posted by parn:
TS is with an irresponsible male, I don't think anyone in the correct mind would provide excusable solutions to make TS feel responsible for her irresponsible male.
If a guy doesn't know how to appreciate his girl in the right way, then he definitely need to learn how to appreciate his girl in the HARD way.
Defending your fellow male buddies without any considerable regards for TS is definitely an irresponsible mindset.
Please tell me TS's partner is right and we can all have a good argument about it.
You'd be correct, and I already wrote I agree with using breaking up and a proper strategy to get him to change, except that I realised we only have one side of the story.
It might turn out that there's a love triangle with another guy involved, or perhaps she's cheated on him before, so he's a bit more careful now. And some girls flirt and flaunt quite openly, so maybe she thrusts her boobs at everyone and he's a bit uncertain where he stands.
-
Parn has hit the nail on the head, and indirectly made a mowhill out of a supposedly mountain.
TS, i think your insecure boyfriend is scared that someone 3 fingers you while he is thinking of more childish nicknames to call you. So apart from following Parn's advice, just learn to relaxxxx....take it eeeeeaaaaaaaaasssssssssyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy...
-
i see very interesting and thoughtful replies and frankly, breaking up is an option that i've used a few times. what's holding back is how sweet he had treated me in the past and i choose to see that it is just a phase that would pass. so i hung on and tried to be more subtle in my replies to him, instead of fighting hard for my stand.
when it come to arguments between a couple, one has to give in and i chose to be silent when things get outta hand. but a few times experiences told me that he just took it for granted and shot his mouth off even further and didnt know when to stop. one of these experiences mentioned happened only recently after we paid deposit for our wedding dinner package. can you imagine?
it had been a whirlwind relationship. he proposed just after 4 months of getting together.
it had been difficult for the initial few months when he kept asking and probing about my past. Obvously i chose not to tell him as they had meant nothing cos he was not even present when it all happened. one thing led to another.. i passed my iphone to him one day and forgot to shut my email. and he went into my email folder and read about my past relationships. the rest is history and as true as what i believed, he could not handle those information and got paranoid at the slightest things.
and even with a guy friend whom i had travelled in the past whom i have a platonic relationship with, also made him paranoid. He thought it was more and he hung on to the belief and literally confronted him on the 2nd time they met.
yes we are planning to get married in about a years times and I am getting really tired. ...
-
I had this perception some women (not all) are not 'strong' enough to reject men or make clear of their relationship, thats why some men has delusions on whether the love is mutual.
-
Originally posted by Lyris:
i see very interesting and thoughtful replies and frankly, breaking up is an option that i've used a few times. what's holding back is how sweet he had treated me in the past and i choose to see that it is just a phase that would pass. so i hung on and tried to be more subtle in my replies to him, instead of fighting hard for my stand.
when it come to arguments between a couple, one has to give in and i chose to be silent when things get outta hand. but a few times experiences told me that he just took it for granted and shot his mouth off even further and didnt know when to stop. one of these experiences mentioned happened only recently after we paid deposit for our wedding dinner package. can you imagine?
it had been a whirlwind relationship. he proposed just after 4 months of getting together.
it had been difficult for the initial few months when he kept asking and probing about my past. Obvously i chose not to tell him as they had meant nothing cos he was not even present when it all happened. one thing led to another.. i passed my iphone to him one day and forgot to shut my email. and he went into my email folder and read about my past relationships. the rest is history and as true as what i believed, he could not handle those information and got paranoid at the slightest things.
and even with a guy friend whom i had travelled in the past whom i have a platonic relationship with, also made him paranoid. He thought it was more and he hung on to the belief and literally confronted him on the 2nd time they met.
yes we are planning to get married in about a years times and I am getting really tired. ...
Lyris, I had an ex who is like your current boyfriend.
This kind of guy is a "red flag ALERT". I would suggest you don't carry on with the marriage. There are TWO issues you need to be wary of.
First, All these "paranoia" has nothing to do with his "insecurity".
Rather a need to find fault with your past, so that he may believe that he is "better than you". ---An inferiority complex.
He needs you to be flawed. The present you may be "perfect" in his eyes, but you had an "im-perfect" past.
A breakup will be more painful to him, than to you.
If you marry him, in the future when you have arguments , he will blame it all on you and what you had done in your past.
So, buyers beware.
Second, your whirlwind courtship, contributes to his need to judge your integrity based on your past... simply because there wasn't sufficient time to get to know you better during these few short months.
I'd suggest, both of you spend the next 6 months or 1 more year really getting to know each other better. Leave the past (before this courtship) behind.
Tell him that you need to get to know HIM better.Put the marriage plan on hold for now. Having a marriage plan ADDS pressure on him to probe more intensively , as he needs to figure out if you are indeed the right one for him, during this period prior to marriage.
Observe, and see if he is still this way after spending the extended time together.
If he is still nit picking your past flaws.. then it's truly time to let the relationship end.
-
Originally posted by Lyris:
i see very interesting and thoughtful replies and frankly, breaking up is an option that i've used a few times. what's holding back is how sweet he had treated me in the past and i choose to see that it is just a phase that would pass. so i hung on and tried to be more subtle in my replies to him, instead of fighting hard for my stand.
when it come to arguments between a couple, one has to give in and i chose to be silent when things get outta hand. but a few times experiences told me that he just took it for granted and shot his mouth off even further and didnt know when to stop. one of these experiences mentioned happened only recently after we paid deposit for our wedding dinner package. can you imagine?
it had been a whirlwind relationship. he proposed just after 4 months of getting together.
it had been difficult for the initial few months when he kept asking and probing about my past. Obvously i chose not to tell him as they had meant nothing cos he was not even present when it all happened. one thing led to another.. i passed my iphone to him one day and forgot to shut my email. and he went into my email folder and read about my past relationships. the rest is history and as true as what i believed, he could not handle those information and got paranoid at the slightest things.
and even with a guy friend whom i had travelled in the past whom i have a platonic relationship with, also made him paranoid. He thought it was more and he hung on to the belief and literally confronted him on the 2nd time they met.
yes we are planning to get married in about a years times and I am getting really tired. ...
you know you're in trouble when you lend your iPhone to your man and he doesnt use it to watch porn.
-
Originally posted by Lyris:
i see very interesting and thoughtful replies and frankly, breaking up is an option that i've used a few times. what's holding back is how sweet he had treated me in the past and i choose to see that it is just a phase that would pass. so i hung on and tried to be more subtle in my replies to him, instead of fighting hard for my stand.
when it come to arguments between a couple, one has to give in and i chose to be silent when things get outta hand. but a few times experiences told me that he just took it for granted and shot his mouth off even further and didnt know when to stop. one of these experiences mentioned happened only recently after we paid deposit for our wedding dinner package. can you imagine?
it had been a whirlwind relationship. he proposed just after 4 months of getting together.
it had been difficult for the initial few months when he kept asking and probing about my past. Obvously i chose not to tell him as they had meant nothing cos he was not even present when it all happened. one thing led to another.. i passed my iphone to him one day and forgot to shut my email. and he went into my email folder and read about my past relationships. the rest is history and as true as what i believed, he could not handle those information and got paranoid at the slightest things.
and even with a guy friend whom i had travelled in the past whom i have a platonic relationship with, also made him paranoid. He thought it was more and he hung on to the belief and literally confronted him on the 2nd time they met.
yes we are planning to get married in about a years times and I am getting really tired. ...
Hi Lyris,
You are thinking too much about the past. The most important thing is how he is treating you currently. The way that things are, your relationship will break down as soon as you are unable to tolerate his bullying anymore.
Before that happens, you may wish to seek the help of a counsellor, and have him/her talk to your fiancé, though if things really didn't change, it will be for your own good that you leave him.
Cheers.