Originally posted by dukedracula:you wouldn't want to marry this girl....especially if you're gonna have to live with your mum...my ex-boss married someone who refused to visit his mother and puts him in a spot always....take heed my friend, you're better off in the future without this girl, what you have is not chemistry, hang around with someone long enough and you can read his / her mind...
You have some fundamental question to ask yourself.
First thing first you married your Mother or the girl you decide upon spending the rest of your life with?
So start growing up.
haha its totally fine dude. Ur mom has a gd opinion of ur gf right? Then its allll gd. But i doubt tht will be permanent, if ur gf shows disrespect for ur mom. and arapahoe, i don't think TS has married the girl yet... ...
Originally posted by jojobeach:Are you a mommy's boy ?
Can you stand on your own two feet for 1 hour without mentioning what your mommy told you this morning ?
This is a very important question and you need to answer it very honestly.
sound like it.....
Originally posted by whyiseverynametaken:haha its totally fine dude. Ur mom has a gd opinion of ur gf right? Then its allll gd. But i doubt tht will be permanent, if ur gf shows disrespect for ur mom. and arapahoe, i don't think TS has married the girl yet... ...
i wasn't referring to TS.....
anyway parents opinon are not always right.....just from personal experience.
maybe. i didnt really bother reading it all. just read the title and the part where his mom seems to be ok. But if u are married TS, arnt u living with ur wife without ur parents? If so, then why does it matter? ur wife wont have to see ur parents too often if she doesnt want to.
Originally posted by jojobeach:aahh.. such naivety coming from a man's simple mind.
Unfortunately, women are not as simple as you wish.
Here's a little tid bit from the internet..
"By Michelle Cox
Focus on the Family with Dr James Dobson
February 2007
The mother-in-law / daughter-in-law relationship can be a dangerous minefield as two women stake out their territory
Enter the term mother-in-law into the Internet search engine and the first site that appears is about mother-in-law jokes. Simply mention the term mother-in-law and expect to hear groans, laughter or bad mother-in-law stories. Unfortunately, many mothers-in-law have earned the reputation.
Consider the story of a bride who wanted to please her new husband. He often mentioned how much he loved his mother’s chocolate chip cookies, so his wife asked her mother-in-law to share the recipe. Instead of recognizing the request as a sincere compliment, the mother-in-law coldly replied “That’s my recipe, and I bake those cookies for my son. Why would I give the recipe to you? Of course you can’t have it.
The scenario set the tone for an each-in-their-own-corner relationship for the future. How sad that this mother-in-law with her daughter-in-law as a competition instead of a partnership. It would have been so much easier if she’d realized they shared a special bond – they both loved the same man.
The irony is that the son no longer enjoys his mother’s chocolate chip cookies. Now when she brings him a platter to enjoy, all he can think of is the bitterness of the words that hurt his bride.
Another young wife opened the door one morning to discover her mother-in-law standing there armed with a mop and bucket filled with cleaning supplies. “I’m glad you’re home. I’ve come to show you the proper way to clean a bathroom.”
This mother-in-law probably meant well. I honestly don’t think she intended to humiliate her daughter-in-law but that’s exactly what she did. Instead of giving the young bride time to develop her housekeeping skills, the mother-in-law charged in and caused a rift in their relationship."
TS has an overbearing mother, she ain't gonna stop the invasion until TS learns to put his foot down on it.
Can his mother ruin his marriage ? Absolutely possible.
According to a family lawyer acquaintance of mine.
In-laws problem is one of the top reason of divorce.
Think about it dude.
Hmm. There are a lot of inconsistencies with your reasoning. I may be naive, but I also happen to actually read and understand the situation first instead of hastily jumping to conclusions and planting unnecessary, emotionally-driven negativity into the TS' mind.
One said inconsistency lies in you being of the notion that the TS has an "overbearing mother". However, the evidence presented by the TS in this thread does not match up with your claim. In fact, I daresay you're giving your opinion based on previous experience, coupled with a blind hatred for mother-in-laws, wuite possibly your own experience with your own MIL. The fact that you're painting his mother in a more negative light than his gf and almost ignoring his gf's bad points has made most of your posts reek of bias. I am sure anyone unbiased who reads them will come to the same conclusion, because it is too obvious not to notice. Anyway,
The TS said these:
1. " my mother can be a little bit controlling and can be overly talkative"
2. My mum has a very favorable opinion of her and has never said a bad thing about her. The only thing is that she can be overly talkative"
3. "I do think my mum has expectations, but then again, i think that my gf's expectations for me far exceed my mum's expectations for her, or my expectations for her, but then again who hasn't? She doesn't try to "control" her."
However, you seem to keep wanting to push the notion that his mother is being an overbearing, intrusive control freak who's trying to control his and his gf's lives. You posit this assumption not by analysing what the TS has said, or even the situation, but by drawing on unrelated examples that you think affects all MIL-DIL relationships, such as making the strawman argument that being honest with the mother can pave way for more problems because MILs and DILs can be very territorial. You even went so far as to provide a (possibly) biased and rather unscientific article. Not that I have anything personal against your choice of reference material, because it's obvious that not all mothers are as evil as the article suggests. The fact that her attitude does not reconcile with the article's intended meaning is already grounds enough for me to dismiss your reasoning.
The only possible data you've used to come to this conclusion would be these:
A. "to the extent that she complains sometimes that i don't stay home enough sometimes but it doesn't deter me anyway, although she somehow bugs me whenever i stay out late,"
B. "I mean my mum would sometimes tell her that she should't do certain things"
However, compared to the grander scheme of things, these couple (or perhaps a couple more) quotes should not have been enough to make his mother turn into what you claimed. It's far too exaggerated, if you compare with what the TS previous said.
In fact, if you ask me, I think the problem lies with his GF more than his mother. His mother shouldn't even BE the focus of his problem. I'm not saying the GF is this horrible person or anything, though. I took the liberty of reading through your psychoanalytic post about his gf, and I was very impressed with your findings. You were very sharp to link his gf's troubling family status to her behaviour, and I must say that I do agree with you on that point. It is not a proven fact, but based on what you've posited, the reasoning is sound enough to be plausible.
Putting together what you mentioned about his GF together with your psychological assessment of his gf, it's quite a pity that you don't see that his mother is ending up having to get the short end of the stick. If the TS's mother has a favourable opinion of his gf, not controlling her to do things to her will, not spiting her in front of her or behind her back as well as being friendly with her, chances are, she's not having negative feelings about the girl.
In fact, as I've previously mentioned, I think it's quite the contrary as the mother is excited with TS' gf. Yes, you do have a point to say that mothers can be possessive, but from what the TS has said, she hasn't shown any strong signs of it. Most mothers will have some problem giving their children away, but all mothers will want the best for their child as well. There is no proof to suggest any politics between the two women (just that the GF doesn't like the mother and that's not mutual!), so it should logically be assumed that the mother wants the best for her son, and if that requires passing comments to the DIL, then that is what she is doing.
For the TS:
I still stick by my answer that the you should let your gf know that a relationship requires understanding, respect and compromise. She has to understand that the your mum is still an important person and in order to have a happy marriage, she has to play her cards properly and not risk ruining it because she selfishly wants to hold on to her resentment or negative feelings. That's just silly, because she's going to screw everything up and remove all future possibilities of making things right. It's better to nip a problem in the bud instead of ignoring it and hoping it works out.(That does not mean she has to kowtow to your mum, though. The key word here is mutual understanding and respect.)
You want them to avoid each other, how long can that last? I can also say that sooner or later, your gf may ultimately manipulate you in such a way that you almost abandon your family to spend all your time with her. Now that isn't going to be fair, is it?
Originally posted by ���ら�:Hmm. There are a lot of inconsistencies with your reasoning. I may be naive, but I also happen to actually read and understand the situation first instead of hastily jumping to conclusions and planting unnecessary, emotionally-driven negativity into the TS' mind.
One said inconsistency lies in you being of the notion that the TS has an "overbearing mother". However, the evidence presented by the TS in this thread does not match up with your claim. In fact, I daresay you're giving your opinion based on previous experience, coupled with a blind hatred for mother-in-laws, wuite possibly your own experience with your own MIL. The fact that you're painting his mother in a more negative light than his gf and almost ignoring his gf's bad points has made most of your posts reek of bias. I am sure anyone unbiased who reads them will come to the same conclusion, because it is too obvious not to notice. Anyway,
The TS said these:
1. " my mother can be a little bit controlling and can be overly talkative"
2. My mum has a very favorable opinion of her and has never said a bad thing about her. The only thing is that she can be overly talkative"
3. "I do think my mum has expectations, but then again, i think that my gf's expectations for me far exceed my mum's expectations for her, or my expectations for her, but then again who hasn't? She doesn't try to "control" her."
However, you seem to keep wanting to push the notion that his mother is being an overbearing, intrusive control freak who's trying to control his and his gf's lives. You posit this assumption not by analysing what the TS has said, or even the situation, but by drawing on unrelated examples that you think affects all MIL-DIL relationships, such as making the strawman argument that being honest with the mother can pave way for more problems because MILs and DILs can be very territorial. You even went so far as to provide a (possibly) biased and rather unscientific article. Not that I have anything personal against your choice of reference material, because it's obvious that not all mothers are as evil as the article suggests. The fact that her attitude does not reconcile with the article's intended meaning is already grounds enough for me to dismiss your reasoning.
The only possible data you've used to come to this conclusion would be these:
A. "to the extent that she complains sometimes that i don't stay home enough sometimes but it doesn't deter me anyway, although she somehow bugs me whenever i stay out late,"
B. "I mean my mum would sometimes tell her that she should't do certain things"
However, compared to the grander scheme of things, these couple (or perhaps a couple more) quotes should not have been enough to make his mother turn into what you claimed. It's far too exaggerated, if you compare with what the TS previous said.
In fact, if you ask me, I think the problem lies with his GF more than his mother. His mother shouldn't even BE the focus of his problem. I'm not saying the GF is this horrible person or anything, though. I took the liberty of reading through your psychoanalytic post about his gf, and I was very impressed with your findings. You were very sharp to link his gf's troubling family status to her behaviour, and I must say that I do agree with you on that point. It is not a proven fact, but based on what you've posited, the reasoning is sound enough to be plausible.
Putting together what you mentioned about his GF together with your psychological assessment of his gf, it's quite a pity that you don't see that his mother is ending up having to get the short end of the stick. If the TS's mother has a favourable opinion of his gf, not controlling her to do things to her will, not spiting her in front of her or behind her back as well as being friendly with her, chances are, she's not having negative feelings about the girl.
In fact, as I've previously mentioned, I think it's quite the contrary as the mother is excited with TS' gf. Yes, you do have a point to say that mothers can be possessive, but from what the TS has said, she hasn't shown any strong signs of it. Most mothers will have some problem giving their children away, but all mothers will want the best for their child as well. There is no proof to suggest any politics between the two women (just that the GF doesn't like the mother and that's not mutual!), so it should logically be assumed that the mother wants the best for her son, and if that requires passing comments to the DIL, then that is what she is doing.
I agree, anyway the advice is more then enough for Ts, good luck to him
Conceptualized models of what life ougth to be, what love out to be, what, in this instance a mother in law ought to be, or even for that matter what Ts's prospective wife ought to be - sadly, unwise and accidental stance lah!
If one goes around wanting to be respected, wanting to be loved ,wanting to be accepted it is fine but one has to have it within oneself first, one has to be that ( being kind, being respectful to oneself so on so forth) - it presupposes that one has to be that first. Otherwise, it is projecting and compromising. The latter is debilitating and sooner or later it will crumble.
All that happens outside of one is always a reaction or a response. What matters is what is one being to that stimulus or input.
Transcending roles - it is easier to relate to anyone!
What is her mother like?
Does your mother remind her of her mother?
She tuned out your mother.
That is a reaction to a hang up.
Your mother will be herself. It is your gf thats acting up, and badly.
Some girls just don't grow up.
What if you say you love your mum, or wonder what to buy for your mum on Mother's Day? How will she react?
marry your gf and you will never have peace at home and at renunion dinners and at CNY gathering.
Originally posted by ���ら�:Hmm. There are a lot of inconsistencies with your reasoning. I may be naive, but I also happen to actually read and understand the situation first instead of hastily jumping to conclusions and planting unnecessary, emotionally-driven negativity into the TS' mind.
One said inconsistency lies in you being of the notion that the TS has an "overbearing mother". However, the evidence presented by the TS in this thread does not match up with your claim. In fact, I daresay you're giving your opinion based on previous experience, coupled with a blind hatred for mother-in-laws, wuite possibly your own experience with your own MIL. The fact that you're painting his mother in a more negative light than his gf and almost ignoring his gf's bad points has made most of your posts reek of bias. I am sure anyone unbiased who reads them will come to the same conclusion, because it is too obvious not to notice. Anyway,
The TS said these:
1. " my mother can be a little bit controlling and can be overly talkative"
2. My mum has a very favorable opinion of her and has never said a bad thing about her. The only thing is that she can be overly talkative"
3. "I do think my mum has expectations, but then again, i think that my gf's expectations for me far exceed my mum's expectations for her, or my expectations for her, but then again who hasn't? She doesn't try to "control" her."
However, you seem to keep wanting to push the notion that his mother is being an overbearing, intrusive control freak who's trying to control his and his gf's lives. You posit this assumption not by analysing what the TS has said, or even the situation, but by drawing on unrelated examples that you think affects all MIL-DIL relationships, such as making the strawman argument that being honest with the mother can pave way for more problems because MILs and DILs can be very territorial. You even went so far as to provide a (possibly) biased and rather unscientific article. Not that I have anything personal against your choice of reference material, because it's obvious that not all mothers are as evil as the article suggests. The fact that her attitude does not reconcile with the article's intended meaning is already grounds enough for me to dismiss your reasoning.
The only possible data you've used to come to this conclusion would be these:
A. "to the extent that she complains sometimes that i don't stay home enough sometimes but it doesn't deter me anyway, although she somehow bugs me whenever i stay out late,"
B. "I mean my mum would sometimes tell her that she should't do certain things"
However, compared to the grander scheme of things, these couple (or perhaps a couple more) quotes should not have been enough to make his mother turn into what you claimed. It's far too exaggerated, if you compare with what the TS previous said.
In fact, if you ask me, I think the problem lies with his GF more than his mother. His mother shouldn't even BE the focus of his problem. I'm not saying the GF is this horrible person or anything, though. I took the liberty of reading through your psychoanalytic post about his gf, and I was very impressed with your findings. You were very sharp to link his gf's troubling family status to her behaviour, and I must say that I do agree with you on that point. It is not a proven fact, but based on what you've posited, the reasoning is sound enough to be plausible.
Putting together what you mentioned about his GF together with your psychological assessment of his gf, it's quite a pity that you don't see that his mother is ending up having to get the short end of the stick. If the TS's mother has a favourable opinion of his gf, not controlling her to do things to her will, not spiting her in front of her or behind her back as well as being friendly with her, chances are, she's not having negative feelings about the girl.
In fact, as I've previously mentioned, I think it's quite the contrary as the mother is excited with TS' gf. Yes, you do have a point to say that mothers can be possessive, but from what the TS has said, she hasn't shown any strong signs of it. Most mothers will have some problem giving their children away, but all mothers will want the best for their child as well. There is no proof to suggest any politics between the two women (just that the GF doesn't like the mother and that's not mutual!), so it should logically be assumed that the mother wants the best for her son, and if that requires passing comments to the DIL, then that is what she is doing.
Another straight man's talk.
-TS is NOT the right person to tell her mom. Someone of the same status as his mom should be the one sounding her out. Example, TS's father, a respected aunt who is in the same age group as the mom, a good friend of the mom or a professional counselor.
His mom is making a common mistake many mother to be make.
- Yes I agree, all mothers want the best for their own son. THEIR OWN SON. That does NOT include the gf or wife. Is this too difficult for you to understand ?
My mother used to tell my brother the SON, find someone who loves you more than you love HER.
Then she turns around and tells me the daughter, find someone who loves you mroe than you love HIM.
Mothers cares only of her own child, if the gf/bf is a sucker and a sacrifice, she ain't gonna care. In fact, she'd be very happy that her child has an advantage over someone else's child.
This is what I meant, by " Mothers can be selfish too".
In the eyes of mothers, her son can do no wrong.
- Why do you assume the mother ain't the problem to TS's happiness ?
Take the mother away from the equation, what do you get ? Now take the gf out of the equation, what do you get ?
TS has already mentioned before that the connection he shares with this gal can lead to a marriage... are you doubting his judgements ?
Perhaps we can take a look at his brother's marriage, the one that had migrated to England.
Without the mother's influence.. is he happily married ?
In the overall scheme of things, what TS's has her not "enjoying" the company of his family is but a small blip.
- Do you know the mother personally ? How do you know TS did not DOWNPLAY the behavior of his mother ? Do you think TS, being a mommy's boy, is gonna come here and bad mouth his mom ? LOL... so naive.
All the sentenced you have quoted are "symptoms" of overbearing-ness.
In my humble opinion, her mother is opinionated ( talkative) and kaypoh ( little controlling + tell her not to so certain things).
Leave it unchecked, and there be more where it's coming from.
A good mother keeps her mouth shut when the right gal comes along, and guides the son behind the curtain. Crosses her fingers and hope they get married.
- UNSCIENTIFIC ?? AHHAHAHHAHHH !! Do you need this "mother in law vs daughter in law" article to be published in major science journals to make it SCIENTIFIC. Where have you been living all these years dude ? Inside your mommy's bossom ?? he he ha ha ho ho.
Ofcors all these talks, yet our dear TS is nowhere in sight.
Now the question is....
If the mother had not been so "excited" .. so "interested" in TS's new found love.. and taken a more subtle instead of "in your face" stance towards the gf.
Would she have this "aversion" towards family gathering ?
Nobody likes to be pushed into a corner and given an "opinion" ,like what the mom did to his gf.
The way I see it, the gf's reluctance is but an effect to the cause.
I am biased ? Yah yah.. and you ain't. Get real ok ? Good.
Originally posted by ���ら�:For the TS:
I still stick by my answer that the you should let your gf know that a relationship requires understanding, respect and compromise. She has to understand that the your mum is still an important person and in order to have a happy marriage, she has to play her cards properly and not risk ruining it because she selfishly wants to hold on to her resentment or negative feelings. That's just silly, because she's going to screw everything up and remove all future possibilities of making things right. It's better to nip a problem in the bud instead of ignoring it and hoping it works out.(That does not mean she has to kowtow to your mum, though. The key word here is mutual understanding and respect.)
You want them to avoid each other, how long can that last? I can also say that sooner or later, your gf may ultimately manipulate you in such a way that you almost abandon your family to spend all your time with her. Now that isn't going to be fair, is it?
Oh, so brilliant. Your simple solution is to tell the gf that she is to be " understanding" and " accepting".
And what role does TS play, other than telling and expecting his gf to accept ?
You are forgetting the gal DO have a CHOICE too.
She can always go find another guy that doesn't have an overbearing mother. Problem Solved.
as for me, my take is this
dont let any woman climb on top of your head
be it mother or gf
they want to meet or dont want to meet doesnt matter
but if they meet and quarrel
tell them both to shut up and sit down
dont take side
whoever dare to make noise somemore will get warning
still ignore will get it from me, be it mother or gf
dont let them control u
u want to handle the 2 woman, u have to do this
if not they will handle u
knn, woman
pui
Originally posted by BotaHead:as for me, my take is this
dont let any woman climb on top of your head
be it mother or gf
they want to meet or dont want to meet doesnt matter
but if they meet and quarrel
tell them both to shut up and sit down
dont take side
whoever dare to make noise somemore will get warning
still ignore will get it from me, be it mother or gf
dont let them control u
u want to handle the 2 woman, u have to do this
if not they will handle u
knn, woman
pui
Ah.. finally .. my hero.
womens....
one u are born to put up with and the other, u choose to put up with...
hahaha.....
Originally posted by jojobeach:Ah.. finally .. my hero.
yalor
so many girls also say that to me
but i alway act act humble one lah
muahahahahaha
Originally posted by BotaHead:
yalorso many girls also say that to me
but i alway act act humble one lah
muahahahahaha
you mean........... when the lioness and tigeress roar you wag like a dog....puff puff...!
Marriage is also a meeting of two families.
You have to think forward. What do you want in future.
A family unit of your spouse and you only.
Or
You (and your children) incorporated into her family only.
Or
The meeting of two families.
Disregard all the "show your balls" remarks. Decide what really you want, as who you are.
Then decide if you want to stick with your gf or dump her.
Its your life.
sorry girls I have to say that girls are bitchy by nature. girls can gossip, backstab etc etc behind your back. girls get jealous and moody easily, out of a sudden can turn from being friendly to morose and moody. girls remember past quarrels/feud.
mother and wife/gf, its combustible at home, a no-win situation. just ask those girls who are married and get along with their in-laws.
Originally posted by Rooney9:sorry girls I have to say that girls are bitchy by nature. girls can gossip, backstab etc etc behind your back. girls get jealous and moody easily, out of a sudden can turn from being friendly to morose and moody. girls remember past quarrels/feud.
mother and wife/gf, its combustible at home, a no-win situation. just ask those girls who are married and get along with their in-laws.
Define "get along".
When they see each other.. they go shopping together ?
They gossip together. They share intimate secrets together ?
Does get along means.. your gf and mother couldn't wait to meet each other every week ? So that they can go do some "girly" things together ?
Every guy wants a gf who can "get along" with his own mother. But does a guy knows exactly what "get along" means ? Could it be that he wants the two ladies become "best friends forever" ?
Seriously dudes.
Not every woman can be good friends with another just because they are your so and so.
I also wish all my bf can get along with my family, my dogs, my friends, my neighbours, my accountant, my maids..
But if my mother or dog cannot "get along" with my bf.. then I dump him ? Please lah. Get real OK ? Good.
Schattenger,
To be honest, after reading your rants. I also don't like your mother and her over bearing ways.
And I havn't even meet her yet !!
Perhaps, your mother's domineering style becomes so obvious because you are such a WUSS ?
Either way... If I am your gf, I'd think twice about marrying into your family.
Ts,
All i can surmise from your posturing is that of a wavering mind and woefully conflicted within u about lots of issues that you seem to have overlooked. Wrong, no it is not wrong, it is your misunderstanding of what is makes all things/people wrong.
If you can allow others to be and still be u assertively and eschew the the game of rite and wrong, i do not see it descending into chaos.
I would not say that your mum is wrong, she is immature, yes, that is what it is all about, an ego-trip, the constant need for validation. Of course, she cannot she that aspect of her and i doubt it has ever been reconciled lah.
As for your gal friend (or whatever it means to her and u, including your mother) she may have her ''reasons'' for being what she is. Of course, no one here is privy to what transpires bet the both of u. Only u know and as to how u relate to each other is essentially what would underpin your so-called friendship,relationship or ... Relating always precedes relationship. The quality of relating adds to the quality of living, whether it be at workplace, spouse, family and so on ..... presupposing one is able to relate to what one is in any circumstance/situation.
The more one lives with conceptualized models of what love ought tobe, what a gal friend out to be, or what marriage life ought to be - one is being accidental, one may compromise, one may agree - however, it is merely window dressing and superfial change. Transformation has to happen in oneself before one can see what is. One has to be self-full (not to be confused with selfisness) before one can share or partake of another. If one hopes to find oneself in a marriage or relationship - one is doomed to servitude and compromises.
Now all I can intuitely fathom, decipher is that of ego-trips lah. When one is not, one is. Last not but not least, love and ego never can co-exist. One has to go.
U may marry her, leave her or vice versa - what is unreconciled will always surface.
What your mum is and has been all this while - has actually surfaced. Wrong/rite is subjective. What she is really is surfacing now.
Same for u and the same for your gal friend. What you are is also surfacing now.
Except understanding , acknowledging, UNLEARNING and transcending the polarizing views and conditioning, there are no solutions. Solutions and answers are dead things, people are not dead, they are pulsating being.
Otherwise, like it or not, accept it or not - it will surface.
Responsiblity is the ability to respond to what is, not react to what is.
Originally posted by Fugazzi:
Responsiblity is the ability to respond to what is, not react to what is.
You have a responsibility to your future wife and children, and to yourself.
First to yourself, for your happiness will spread to the others.
Consider carefully.
if you cannot separate mom (maybe cos of love, being filial or need inheritance), then have to drop gf/wife and get one that gets mom stamp of approval.