GF cannot get along with mother.
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Which is why it is so difficult to manage 2 people who are so stubborn and won't budge when it is in my nature to be a mediator and to please both of them equally, i do agree that i am not good in conflict management because i don't want to hurt one at the expense of the other.
My mum is a mix of both, she is both friendly (sometimes TOO friendly) but she can be demanding and naggy as well. Basically my gf wants us to have a 2 person haven together indefinitely without any outside interference and interaction. In her future life, she doesn't even take into account her family, let alone mine.
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Originally posted by Schattenjager 82:
Which is why it is so difficult to manage 2 people who are so stubborn and won't budge when it is in my nature to be a mediator and to please both of them equally, i do agree that i am not good in conflict management because i don't want to hurt one at the expense of the other.
My mum is a mix of both, she is both friendly (sometimes TOO friendly) but she can be demanding and naggy as well. Basically my gf wants us to have a 2 person haven together indefinitely without any outside interference and interaction. In her future life, she doesn't even take into account her family, let alone mine.
I see. Which mothers would like to see their sons seperate with them after mariage. No one i guess. Next time when your Gf is a mother, she will also have the same thinking as your mum mah. My advice is, if your Gf really does not like your mum, then mimise all contact with your mum until those important festivals loh, like new year, birthday. But thats only Her. Will she object you seeing your mum after mariage or something ? Or will your mum mind only you and not your gf came back and find her.
Moral of story is dont neglect both women =)
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Your mother is being what she only knows how to be. Manage your emotions, feeling and accepting your frailities/vagaries you would find yourself not carrying images of what is good what is bad what is rite what is wrong. If u are, know this - u are split within and no amount of knowledge is going to suffice. Standing in a garage does not make me a car nor does mystanding in a church/temply make me holy lah
Your mother is an excuse, I am an excuse and so are many others who always cross your life - at the end of it all it is you having that expereince of what is - which is 100% self-created. If u are unable to relate to what you are and transcend the polarising,dichotimizing ''demons'' - it is only a matter of c ircumstance, situation - it will erupt , surface and manifest in what yuo are or do!
On e lives out of fear or one lives out of love. Catch the drift?
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Originally posted by Fugazzi:
Your mother is being what she only knows how to be. Manage your emotions, feeling and accepting your frailities/vagaries you would find yourself not carrying images of what is good what is bad what is rite what is wrong. If u are, know this - u are split within and no amount of knowledge is going to suffice. Standing in a garage does not make me a car nor does mystanding in a church/temply make me holy lah
Your mother is an excuse, I am an excuse and so are many others who always cross your life - at the end of it all it is you having that expereince of what is - which is 100% self-created. If u are unable to relate to what you are and transcend the polarising,dichotimizing ''demons'' - it is only a matter of c ircumstance, situation - it will erupt , surface and manifest in what yuo are or do!
On e lives out of fear or one lives out of love. Catch the drift?
How much time do u spend typing that ?
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TTFU,
2 mins or so
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Originally posted by Schattenjager 82:
If she wants to do work, then tell her to stay in her office and wait for you to pick her up.
Since she doesn't like to mingle with your family so much, it doesn't make any sense for her to want to go wait for you at your home knowing your family lives there.
Set aside time for your parents, ask your mom out for a One on One lunch , so your mother can enjoy uninterrupted quality time with you before AND after marriage.
Your gf/wife can minimise all ties with your family, but YOU don't have to.
This "doesn't want the children to break away" thing is what all mothers use to win the power struggle, she is putting you on a GUILT TRIP.
When you have your own family, you are no longer attached to your mom's apron strings. You will have to decide the fate of your own family.
We all know mothers have a hard time letting go. And yes, mothers can be very selfish too.
But what must happen , will happen.
You must also understand that your gf comes from a broken family, she will feel inferior when she compares her family background to yours. Her aversion to your "happy and wholesome family" may be a innate defense mechanism to dealing with the hurt and disappointment of her own broken family.
You can only seek her understanding, but you really should not put too much emphasis for her to "embrace" your family.
Do understand that the success of YOUR own herd , does not depend on the "approval" of your blood family.
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Who's more important? Your gf or your mom?
In my opinion your gf is still immature and lacks empathy since she's unable to see things from your mom's point of view. Besides, from what you have posted, I don't think your mom has done anything wrong. She was just being herself. If you gf was mature enough, she will be able to accept your mom's social shortcomings and not react in such a negative way.
Get your gf to grow up or you're gonna have some major problems in the future.
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if ur gf cant get along wth ur mother,dun marry.dump her.pass her to me.i fuck her till ur gf understand the meaning of respect.gf u break up can find another.wife u divorce can find another one.mother die can find another mother????
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Originally posted by I LOVE LIVERPOOL SO MUCH:
if ur gf cant get along wth ur mother,dun marry.dump her.pass her to me.i fuck her till ur gf understand the meaning of respect.gf u break up can find another.wife u divorce can find another one.mother die can find another mother????
Crude advice...but effective
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giving free "discipline ur gf to be a good in-law lesson" !!! PM ME!!!
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Originally posted by Schattenjager 82:
Situation:
Our chemistry is very good to the point that i can read her mind and do/buy the things or bring her to places she want to go even before she says anything.
The thing is she doesn't like my mother because my mother can be a little bit controlling and can be overly talkative, even though most of the time i don't really do what she says. Very often, she will appear uninterested when my mum tries to talk to her about mundane stuff. My mum has a favorable opinion of my gf.
For instance, we were talking normally, but once i told her that my mum is coming back to singapore (she was briefly overseas for 2 months), she changed her mood and has not talked to me for more than 24 hours since i told her.
We have definitely contemplated marriage in the future even though we have not been together for very long.Opinions?
This kind of woman how can marry??? Chinese values filial piety lo... Once u married her if u need to live together with ur mum she will surely ill-treat her one la.. Or force u to drive ur mum out of the house....Actually i think ur gf vry weird.... It's nt as simple as just not liking ur mum.. in fact i feel tat she hates ur mum...
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Originally posted by jojobeach:
Dude, it is important to not cause any more animosity between the two females.
Power struggles between mothers in laws and gf/daughter in laws are very real.
The last thing TS wants to tell his mother is what his gf truly thinks of her.
It's a delicate balance between the two most important women in his life.
One wrong move and BOOMZ, everything will blow up in your face.
How can my suggestion possibly lead to any form of animosity between the both of them? By not telling someone what the problem is, the problem is not going to get solved. In fact, by avoiding interaction between his gf and mother, the TS is going to pave the way for MORE misunderstanding between both females. What would the mother think when she realises the girl isn't as friendly anymore? Won't she feel hurt and perhaps be more demanding? Human beings are not very predictable unless you make the environment change in such a way to make their behaviour predictable. Don't you agree that it is more logical to lay one's cards out on the table to see what one is dealing with rather than play a hit and miss guessing game of tactics?
Sometimes the simplest answer is the best answer.
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It is always tough to strike a balance between both women. It is true that she is going to marry you and not your mum. But that doesn't mean that she doesn't try to understand your mum's situation and get to know her better and how she ticks right?
All in all, I believe that a talk is required with both your mum and girlfriend separately. Talk to your gf about understanding, mutual respect, tolerance, compromise and adapting. Talk to your mum about you going to be independent as a husband, trying to make an effort to understand your wife-to-be and having her give her blessings to you. And eventually, the 3 of you have to sit down for tea together as you can't avoid this all the way, unmarried or married right? But of course, how you phrase your words is very important too. Don't try to escalate the situation into an all-out warfare and have both women hold grudges against each other eventually by saying "She said ... about you, she said ... about you". You will definitely be torn in between and will suffer big time.
I do believe in this 1 line though. "Your partner can always dump you, divorce you, separate from you. But your family will never ever leave you in a lurch."
And I hope you don't mind me asking this question. Can you get along with your girlfriend's parents? How are they like? Better yet, how is your girlfriend's family background like? With these questions answered, we may be able to help you better with your plight.
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Originally posted by ���ら�:
How can my suggestion possibly lead to any form of animosity between the both of them? By not telling someone what the problem is, the problem is not going to get solved. In fact, by avoiding interaction between his gf and mother, the TS is going to pave the way for MORE misunderstanding between both females. What would the mother think when she realises the girl isn't as friendly anymore? Won't she feel hurt and perhaps be more demanding? Human beings are not very predictable unless you make the environment change in such a way to make their behaviour predictable. Don't you agree that it is more logical to lay one's cards out on the table to see what one is dealing with rather than play a hit and miss guessing game of tactics?
Sometimes the simplest answer is the best answer.
Aaahh.. such naivety coming from a man's simple mind.
Unfortunately, women are not as simple as you wish.
Here's a little tid bit from the internet..
"By Michelle Cox
Focus on the Family with Dr James Dobson
February 2007
The mother-in-law / daughter-in-law relationship can be a dangerous minefield as two women stake out their territory
Enter the term mother-in-law into the Internet search engine and the first site that appears is about mother-in-law jokes. Simply mention the term mother-in-law and expect to hear groans, laughter or bad mother-in-law stories. Unfortunately, many mothers-in-law have earned the reputation.
Consider the story of a bride who wanted to please her new husband. He often mentioned how much he loved his mother’s chocolate chip cookies, so his wife asked her mother-in-law to share the recipe. Instead of recognizing the request as a sincere compliment, the mother-in-law coldly replied “That’s my recipe, and I bake those cookies for my son. Why would I give the recipe to you? Of course you can’t have it.
The scenario set the tone for an each-in-their-own-corner relationship for the future. How sad that this mother-in-law with her daughter-in-law as a competition instead of a partnership. It would have been so much easier if she’d realized they shared a special bond – they both loved the same man.
The irony is that the son no longer enjoys his mother’s chocolate chip cookies. Now when she brings him a platter to enjoy, all he can think of is the bitterness of the words that hurt his bride.
Another young wife opened the door one morning to discover her mother-in-law standing there armed with a mop and bucket filled with cleaning supplies. “I’m glad you’re home. I’ve come to show you the proper way to clean a bathroom.”
This mother-in-law probably meant well. I honestly don’t think she intended to humiliate her daughter-in-law but that’s exactly what she did. Instead of giving the young bride time to develop her housekeeping skills, the mother-in-law charged in and caused a rift in their relationship."
TS has an overbearing mother, she ain't gonna stop the invasion until TS learns to put his foot down on it.
Can his mother ruin his marriage ? Absolutely possible.
According to a family lawyer acquaintance of mine.
In-laws problem is one of the top reason of divorce.
Think about it dude.
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Originally posted by jojobeach:
Aaahh.. such naivety coming from a man's simple mind.
Unfortunately, women are not as simple as you wish.
Here's a little tid bit from the internet..
"By Michelle Cox
Focus on the Family with Dr James Dobson
February 2007
The mother-in-law / daughter-in-law relationship can be a dangerous minefield as two women stake out their territory
Enter the term mother-in-law into the Internet search engine and the first site that appears is about mother-in-law jokes. Simply mention the term mother-in-law and expect to hear groans, laughter or bad mother-in-law stories. Unfortunately, many mothers-in-law have earned the reputation.
Consider the story of a bride who wanted to please her new husband. He often mentioned how much he loved his mother’s chocolate chip cookies, so his wife asked her mother-in-law to share the recipe. Instead of recognizing the request as a sincere compliment, the mother-in-law coldly replied “That’s my recipe, and I bake those cookies for my son. Why would I give the recipe to you? Of course you can’t have it.
The scenario set the tone for an each-in-their-own-corner relationship for the future. How sad that this mother-in-law with her daughter-in-law as a competition instead of a partnership. It would have been so much easier if she’d realized they shared a special bond – they both loved the same man.
The irony is that the son no longer enjoys his mother’s chocolate chip cookies. Now when she brings him a platter to enjoy, all he can think of is the bitterness of the words that hurt his bride.
Another young wife opened the door one morning to discover her mother-in-law standing there armed with a mop and bucket filled with cleaning supplies. “I’m glad you’re home. I’ve come to show you the proper way to clean a bathroom.”
This mother-in-law probably meant well. I honestly don’t think she intended to humiliate her daughter-in-law but that’s exactly what she did. Instead of giving the young bride time to develop her housekeeping skills, the mother-in-law charged in and caused a rift in their relationship."
TS has an overbearing mother, she ain't gonna stop the invasion until TS learns to put his foot down on it.
Can his mother ruin his marriage ? Absolutely possible.
Think about it dude.
I agree with you on what you said, your article and all. Women are really delicate and sometimes rather difficult to understand from a man's perspective when all they want is something really simple at times. Misinterpretation of good intentions can lead to misunderstandings and eventual destruction of relationships. So TS must tread lightly on this minefield and not to step on any live mines.What I do not agree with you is that you said his mother is overbearing. Do you even know how is she like personally? Do you even know if it is a fact that TS is a mummy's boy? And how can you be so sure that TS's girlfriend is not the overbearing one instead? Unless you tell me that you know all 3 parties personally then I would understand. But I believe we should just offer whatever advice we can offer, show TS a glimpse of the various scenarios that may occur and reserve our comments, good or bad to ourselves as they are made based on secondary evidence. All I can say is that in the end, all mothers mean well for their children. No matter what the circumstance.
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Originally posted by -Wanderer-:
I agree with you on what you said, your article and all. Women are really delicate and sometimes rather difficult to understand from a man's perspective when all they want is something really simple at times. Misinterpretation of good intentions can lead to misunderstandings and eventual destruction of relationships. So TS must tread lightly on this minefield and not to step on any live mines.What I do not agree with you is that you said his mother is overbearing. Do you even know how is she like personally? Do you even know if it is a fact that TS is a mummy's boy? And how can you be so sure that TS's girlfriend is not the overbearing one instead? Unless you tell me that you know all 3 parties personally then I would understand. But I believe we should just offer whatever advice we can offer, show TS a glimpse of the various scenarios that may occur and reserve our comments, good or bad to ourselves as they are made based on secondary evidence.
Shes obviously baised, after reading TS post, got angry and vomited all that out.
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Originally posted by -Wanderer-:
I agree with you on what you said, your article and all. Women are really delicate and sometimes rather difficult to understand from a man's perspective when all they want is something really simple at times. Misinterpretation of good intentions can lead to misunderstandings and eventual destruction of relationships. So TS must tread lightly on this minefield and not to step on any live mines.What I do not agree with you is that you said his mother is overbearing. Do you even know how is she like personally? Do you even know if it is a fact that TS is a mummy's boy? And how can you be so sure that TS's girlfriend is not the overbearing one instead? Unless you tell me that you know all 3 parties personally then I would understand. But I believe we should just offer whatever advice we can offer, show TS a glimpse of the various scenarios that may occur and reserve our comments, good or bad to ourselves as they are made based on secondary evidence. All I can say is that in the end, all mothers mean well for their children. No matter what the circumstance.
I know because my mom is an overbearing mother in law. And my brother used to be the same mommy's boy.
What is happening in TS's life now.. is as what had happened in my brother's before they had kids.
My mom had to go for counseling because of the same fear of "losing her son" to another female.
At one point, my sister in law got so frustrated she left and went back to her own family for a brief period of time.
It took my brother a while to realised what had happened and what he had "unknowingly" done. He thought he was "mediating" the problem by asking the two women to "get along", instead he made things worst.
The relationship between my mother and my sister in law became more "civil", after my brother went for a few session with a family psychologist.
For the guys, it's not an easy task finding a gal with the kind of connection that can lead to a life time commitment.
Your mother will always be your mother.
But will you find someone like the gal ever again ?
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gf still can change.
mother oly got one.
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Originally posted by Hello Kitty:
gf still can change.
mother oly got one.
change a gf that can get along w ur mom lor
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Originally posted by Rooney9:
change a gf that can get along w ur mom lor
Yah.. the only kind of gf tat can get along is one that is either very pretentious.. pretend to get along with the mother.
Or
One that is MORE overbearing and fearful than his mommy. Then his mommy will be scared and back off on her own. I got a friend like that. She yelled and screamed at her mother in law de.
Else, TS better grow some balls.
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Originally posted by jojobeach:
I know because my mom is an overbearing mother in law. And my brother used to be the same mommy's boy.
What is happening in TS's life now.. is as what had happened in my brother's before they had kids.
My mom had to go for counseling because of the same fear of "losing her son" to another female.
At one point, my sister in law got so frustrated she left and went back to her own family for a brief period of time.
It took my brother a while to realised what had happened and what he had "unknowingly" done. He thought he was "mediating" the problem by asking the two women to "get along", instead he made things worst.
The relationship between my mother and my sister in law became more "civil", after my brother went for a few session with a family psychologist.
For the guys, it's not an easy task finding a gal with the kind of connection that can lead to a life time commitment.
Your mother will always be your mother.
But will you find someone like the gal ever again ?
This is a good personal experience that you have shared with us. I never doubted that such situations are possible. But you are forgetting that your mum isn't TS's mum, TS ain't your brother and TS's gf isn't your sis-in-law. That aside, you gave a very personal insight on how things can escalate to a very drastic status. I hope TS can foresee all possible scenarios beforehand and think through on how to tackle this problem of his. If not, he may risk losing either his gf or mum or worse still, both.
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Originally posted by -Wanderer-:
This is a good personal experience that you have shared with us. I never doubted that such situations are possible. But you are forgetting that your mum isn't TS's mum, TS ain't your brother and TS's gf isn't your sis-in-law. That aside, you gave a very personal insight on how things can escalate to a very drastic status. I hope TS can foresee all possible scenarios beforehand and think through on how to tackle this problem of his. If not, he may risk losing either his gf or mum or worse still, both.
This is a very common issue among couples with intrusive parents.
As a woman myself, it is easy for me to spot what his mom ( a woman ) is trying to do. I am surprised nobody tells that woman to keep her nose out.
If TS's mom is my friend, I'd tell her this " Butt out woman, so that your son can have a happy marriage, that's what you'd want for your son too RIGHT ?"
Sadly, many women gauge their personal success based on how much CONTROL she has over her children or children in-laws. Loosely termed "filial" children.
Today, she makes the couple come to dinner.
Tomorrow, she tells you she's getting old and wish for them to have children earlier.
Next day, she decides how the wedding must be organized and what outfits the brides wear.
When the babies come along, the mom will be competing with the "other" grandmother for the affection and standings within the three families.
Next time, she wants the wife to go get a job so she can "take care" of the grandchildren because the wife is not doing it right.
The marriage no longer belongs to TS and his wife. His mother is the one in the driver's seat.
To TS, step up or suffer the same fate. When you let your mother mow over your gf/wife, your gf/wife will not be a happy woman.
When your gf/wife is not a happy woman, you'll no longer be a happy man.
Thread carefully bro. OK ? Good.
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Originally posted by Schattenjager 82:
Which is why it is so difficult to manage 2 people who are so stubborn and won't budge when it is in my nature to be a mediator and to please both of them equally, i do agree that i am not good in conflict management because i don't want to hurt one at the expense of the other.
My mum is a mix of both, she is both friendly (sometimes TOO friendly) but she can be demanding and naggy as well. Basically my gf wants us to have a 2 person haven together indefinitely without any outside interference and interaction. In her future life, she doesn't even take into account her family, let alone mine.
Let me ask you . Set aside your mother/family for now.
Are you happy with your gf ?
Are you confident that your gf will bring you marital bliss?
Are you certain she will make a good mother ?
Do you and your gf share the same life goals ?
Do you forsee dying in her arms and buried beside her ?
Can you rely on her if your life depends on it ?
If all the above is "YES".
As long as she does not demand you disown your family. Go ahead and oblige the personal space she so desires.
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not only is it a common issue ....it is an AGE OLD ISSUE historically
the gf/wife will one day be the MOTHER....it only serves back on the women problem again and again...aside to the monthly PMS volcanic eruptions
men are too nice to be in the sandwich ....another age old joke or popular question raised by gals :"between your mom and me ....which one do you save huh?"
how far do we want to go on accommodating .... asking about a happy woman? have the now spoiled women (thanks to the govt) think about whether we men are happy?
please lah....i m going for my hearty breakfast and rather study my stocks and shares later
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I myself even can't get along with my own mom, much less my gf or wife?