A sexless marriage
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I have been contemplating to post on this forum but I feel the need to rant a bit and hopefully get some useful advice for my situation. As the thread title says, I'm in a sexless marriage.
I will provide details of my relationship with my wife and some details of myself that will not compromise the privacy of my wife and myself.
To start off, I have known my wife for 5 years and we decided to tie the knot last year. My wife was a virgin when I dated her although she was with her ex-bf for 7 years (not that it matters to me). On the other hand, I have dated several girls before and been in a couple of sexual relationships. When I got to know my wife, she was still with her ex-bf but of course, their relationship was in a very bad shape. Her bf sort-of cheated on her by allowing himself to be seduced by a girl naked in her dormitory, but he did not have sex with her. To summarise, my wife felt the need to move on from this man and date someone else.
At the time where I first got to know my wife through a friend, I was not attracted to her. Also, I was dating a stewardess at that time so it has never cross my mind to consider dating her, until some events took place. I think it all started with my birthday party, stewardess was supposed to come but couldn't make it and my wife came to the party. After the party, a few of my friends and myself went to a park for drinks and I asked my wife along because I felt that she was feeling down at that time and I wanted to cheer her up. On my actual brithday, my wife asked me out for a movie and I agreed and of course, she wished me a happy birthday. From there on, I started to look at my wife in a different way, and we started dating each other. I like my wife for her intelligence, her common interest with me and similar views on many aspects of life. So stewardess girl was out of the picture and I eventually marry my wife at the age of 27.
Now on to the sexuality part.. My wife was a virgin, I was her first sexual partner but it was not easy. It took several tries before I was able to have intercourse with her as she was feeling great pains as I try to penetrate. At that point, I knew that my wife requires encouragement in-order to have sex as she feels more pain that pleasure out of it. In our first few years of relationship, the frequnecy of our sex is about 2 times a month which I feel is not a good frequency. Then, something happened.. she got pregnant. Both of us made a decisive decision to abort it during her first few weeks of pregnancy as both of us are not ready for a child at that time. (You can call me names if you want, perhaps I deserve it) That was the turning point of our sexual life, it turned for the worst. After abortion, we did not have sex for a year.. not even petting. Prior to getting married we did have sex once in 6 months although we could not complete the full intercourse as she was experiencing discomfort. During our trip to Japan, we did not have sex either. A few months before our marriage, I had a talk with her about our sexual relationship and asked her about the possible reasons of the pain. She said that it is probably because she was scared to get pregnant again. I tried to help her by introducing a vibrator, game and lubricant but to no avail. I also managed to persuade her to visit the gynae to check if there is anything wrong with her vagina, there wasn't. Anyway, I still love my wife despite her seemingly asexual behavior and decided to marry her thinking that perhpas after marriage things will get better for us.
Well, things did not get better. During the few days in our hotel after the wedding dinner, we did not have sex at all. Whenever I try to touch her intimately, she would be irritated and reject me. After a few attempts, I got fraustrated and laid in the bathtub for an hour refusing to talk to her. At that time, I almost felt like crying. It has been 6 months since we tied the knot and we only had sex once though it was not a full intercourse.On one occasion, feeling fraustrated after a rejection from her, I threaten her saying that she should be prepared to face the consequences. I ignored her after that and just focused on sleeping. A few weeks later, I brought up the issue of our sexual life again. I told her how I have been feeling and that I still feel disappointed about what happened on the wedding night. Feeling fraustrated, I told her that I have thrown in the towel and I have lost interest in having sex with her. She kept quiet and did not say much.
I think I'm a person with high libido, so I needed to have an avenue to meet my needs. My wife allows me to watch porn and masturbate, so I have been doing this in order to keep myself from feeling depressed. Recently, I found an article that might be related to her problem so I forward to my wife and she concurs with the conditions she is facing in that article. She is probably having this condition called Vaginismus. The only friend that I've told of my situation advised me to persuade my wife to see a sexologist which she agrees to. The relationship with my wife is seemingly good and we are going to Greece on our honeymoon next week. I'm currently fraustrated that she is so passive on our sexual problem and it seems to me that she do not compremend the seriousness of the situation.
I hope that someone can offer some valuable advice on how to improve my current situation and no, I'm not going to visit prostittues in Geylang or have an affair.
Thank you for your time reading this, I know it is kind of long winded.
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one simple solution to a wall of text...men get the job done, swift and silent but women need alot of foreplay
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Bro, I did try before but it does not work. Btw, my wife do not like to be licked or touched at her private area.. We tried to have sex after she has masturbated but she is still unable to enjoy sex.
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Just like what you said.....she may have some kind of condition....
It may be a physical condition, or a psychological one.....
You also need to be patient about it.....
Because it is not something that she "choose"
Just imagine if the situation is reversed.....if you as a man is suffering from some dysfunctions....such as impotency....or premature ejaculation.....such thing is sensitive and is not nice to a person's self esteem.......
So I think you as a husband need to be more understanding and more patient...
Recommending a doctor, therapist, psychologist....and so on....is the correct first step....
Just try to be more understanding and patient....and dont enter into arguments with her....or say she is useless....or blame her.....or scold her.....
With some time, I believe with treatment, gradually her conditions would improve.
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The decision to abort probably very deeply scarred her emotional self.
While a man may have no problem killing an embryo because the "baby" does not reside inside him.
But for a woman to do so.. especially one that was conceived with a man she love... is like ripping out a part of her body and that part of her dies with the baby.
Have you discussed with her your intention to start a family SOON ?
It is unfortunate that in Asia, while a woman bears the burden to carry a child, she is also given the burden to prevent pregnancy.
Are you forcing her to take the contraceptive pills while you refused to use the condom ?
Contraceptive pills do have side effects.. while you think putting on a bit of weight is acceptable to you... the extra pounds she puts on her body may drastically affect her self-confidence and self-esteem.
When a woman don't feel sexy about her body.. she won't feel attractive to her man.. and thus will not want to be intimate.
The fact that you threatened her with "consequences" makes her hate sexual intimacy with you more. How can anyone enjoy any activity that punishes if you don't do it?
Sex between couple should be enjoyable and foster the relationship. That's why we call it " Making LOVE".
Perhaps you should be more considerate to her needs instead of only focusing on yours.
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Originally posted by _Da_Dood_:
one simple solution to a wall of text...men get the job done, swift and silent but women need alot of foreplay
simplistic solution coming out from a simplistic individual
u recalling ur father/mother experience when you peep at them ar? LOL
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are u the couple depicted in the newspaper?
ST got highlight this couple predicament. they did not have sex for 10 years due to the wife vaginal pain. recently the wife went to see the specialist, cant remember what treatment entailed.. now problem solved, the wife can have sex again.
if you are not the couple, please read the article for the lessons learnt. the wife said she regretted not seeking treatment many years ago.
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@jojobeach
My wife do not take contraceptive pills and she doesn't like the latex feeling either, I had to use the withdrawal technique. My wife is slim but yes.. she feels her body unattractive .. she feels that her bossoms are small. I try to encourage her and did tell her that it is my wish for her to enjoy sex with me.
My wife would like to have kids eventually but I had a talk about that with her recently and we both agreed that we are still not ready to have kids.
I purposely threaten her to let her know that our situation is serious but despite my recent threats against her, she does not feel angry with me .. which is why I said she does not seem to understand the gravity of the situation and my needs.
@Rooney9
No, I'm not the couple in the papers. But thank you for pointing it out, I think I need to find out which doctor the couple consulted.
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sorry to hear that man but your wife may need to see a sexual shrink of sorts. Not sure if we have this in Singapore. Good luck.
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Withdrawal technique is dangerous, try using the period counting thing along with it. More safer. I think mariage counselling or a sexologist like you said. She needs some counselling and some confidence boosting. How about watching porn together ? Pain during sex ? Do some more foreplay, maybe licking at the ears or blowing into them.
Confort your wife more, strike during your holiday to greece. But then again counselling and sexologist i will say.
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Originally posted by Sexless:
@jojobeach
My wife do not take contraceptive pills and she doesn't like the latex feeling either, I had to use the withdrawal technique. My wife is slim but yes.. she feels her body unattractive .. she feels that her bossoms are small. I try to encourage her and did tell her that it is my wish for her to enjoy sex with me.
My wife would like to have kids eventually but I had a talk about that with her recently and we both agreed that we are still not ready to have kids.
I purposely threaten her to let her know that our situation is serious but despite my recent threats against her, she does not feel angry with me .. which is why I said she does not seem to understand the gravity of the situation and my needs.
@Rooney9
No, I'm not the couple in the papers. But thank you for pointing it out, I think I need to find out which doctor the couple consulted.
It is YOUR wish that she enjoys sex with YOU ?? Wow.. the narcissism.. it's oozing out of your every pores.
So she has never experienced orgasm ?
With a woman.. you cannot take the hard route.. (no pun intended).
We are more receptive to softer methods.
Give her a carrot. She wants a baby.. you make one with her..your rubbish about not ready for a baby is typical male lameness.
Tell her you are ready for a baby.. she will be more receptive to sex with you... even if she don't know how to enjoy it yet.. she will still be more willing to do it with you.
So you only marry her for sex because she is so pure as a virgin? So you would have married that "AIR STEWARDESS" had she turned up ? Dude....air stewarding is just a JOB. And you just insulted your WIFE.. for being just "second best" and you happened to SETTLE ... oh my.. I hope you didn't boast about your filthy past to your current wife.. geesh !
Well.. the purity comes at a cost... so don't expect her to become this sex kitten the moment you married her or for your case.. penetrated her.
OK. So you have a problem ..a sexual problem. Pouting and throwing a tantrum doesn't make a woman love you more.. on the contrary you just made things worst.
And pouting about what happened during your wedding night several weeks after ? Wow.. the wedding night incident is already water under the bridge.. you are more petty than an old maid.
Let it go.. be gracious and stop behaving like a jerk.
You are lucky she puts up with you for so long.
The gravity of the situation ? Let me put this in perspective.
You want to fuck her.. but she can't stand your selfish and egoistic attitude.
She can open her legs for you to penetrate just to make you happy.. what's the difference between doing it with a dead person?
She does not feel angry with you. sure.. she don't ENJOY doing it with you anyway.. you are treating her like a free prostitute.
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Originally posted by TTFU:
Withdrawal technique is dangerous, try using the period counting thing along with it. More safer. I think mariage counselling or a sexologist like you said. She needs some counselling and some confidence boosting. How about watching porn together ? Pain during sex ? Do some more foreplay, maybe licking at the ears or blowing into them.
Confort your wife more, strike during your holiday to greece. But then again counselling and sexologist i will say.
The problem does not lie with the wife.. the problem is HIM !!
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Anyway whats up with the baby thing ? Did it tramatise her ?
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Her EX boyfriend most likely cheated on her because she refused to have sex with him.
Now you are threatening to BETRAY/Leave her trust just like what her ex did.
The consequences are just different but bears the SAME meaning.
No sex.. no honey, me go find someone else.- Ex bf
No sex.. bye bye honey, me go find someone else.- YOU.
She was emotionally beaten once shame on him.. beaten twice shame on her...you try the same shit on her now.. she don't care.. you're not the first to betray her anyway...
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Originally posted by TTFU:
Anyway whats up with the baby thing ? Did it tramatise her ?
He should just go keep his sperm in a sperm bank.. and go for a vasectomy. Sexy life with wife no need contraceptive ever. His wife also no need to fear unwanted pregnancy AGAIN.
When he is ready for a baby.. ask his wife to get inseminated with his preserved sperm.
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fark la.....people having problem and u always like to lecture pple.
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Originally posted by Rock^Star:
fark la.....people having problem and u always like to lecture pple.
yah lah.. you go help him fark his wife lor.
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Pls think for your wife.. wat I reading here is all about YOU YOU YOU!!!!!
When you tried to threaten her she juz smile cos she love you. HAve you ever wondered why? Have ever put yurself in her shoes?
Anyway if you cannot tahan, just go out and cheat, but remember to come home. AND REMEMBER TO CLEAN YOUR MOUTH AFTER YOU EAT.
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Originally posted by jojobeach:
yah lah.. you go help him fark his wife lor.
Honestly, I don't think he would feel good to hear comments like this. Stop your shit la.
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Yah .. wedding night.. must have hot and steamy sex all night long.
So special right ? Must throw a fit if it's not that way right ?
Wahhh.. petty until like that.. grow up lah.
You think women like to have sex with a child ah.. no hor.. the thought of it makes women puke.
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Originally posted by Rock^Star:
Honestly, I don't think he would feel good to hear comments like this. Stop your shit la.
You stop your shit lah.
I am not his sex slave.. why do I need to make him feel good.
He needs a blardy wake up call and I'm giving him what he needs.
His marriage is on the rocks.. he still think he King Kong.
Time to eat humble pie OK ? Good.
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Originally posted by sg_cabby:
simplistic solution coming out from a simplistic individualu recalling ur father/mother experience when you peep at them ar? LOL
Are u saying that all the sexual position/ knowledge u gained are from watching what ur parents do? Then why else will the first thought for ur accusation against me be this. and it seems that everything u said always have parents involved. And pls dont bring disputes from another one.since when the fuck have i brought ur family into dispute? is it that u can't out talk me and u decided to bring my parents into the picture? have i cursed and bitch at pple related to u? i will if i want to but i am not as ungraceful as u are. And for a cab driver u seem to have alot of free time instead of out on the road. Bro don't come guai lan with me hor -
Originally posted by TTFU:
Anyway whats up with the baby thing ? Did it tramatise her ?
wat's 'tramatise'? u 'beliefs' uncle can tell u cant write properly or not? how many yrs u go school liao? uncle is those nt highly educated old folk. y uncle can tell ur mistake?dun malu leh. u say ur job>uncle td job. uncle want to know wat job u doing. uncle wants to try leh. maybe my command of engrish (though bad) can let me get the job. ur engrish like worse than uncle
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Maybe I have not been patient enough with her and I know that she still loves me very much. I was hoping that maybe someone/couple that have gone through a similar situation in a sexless marriage can offer some good advice.
@well to jojobeach
She knows about the air stewardess, I even told her I was dating her when I got to know her. When I dated my wife, I immediately told the stewardess that I'm sorry and I should not contact her anymore. I do not know if you are in a marriage or not but I do feel that a man needs to have sex in a marriage. You are free to make comments and judge me, so that is all I want to say in-regards to your comments.
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Originally posted by _Da_Dood_:
Are u saying that all the sexual position/ knowledge u gained are from watching what ur parents do? Then why else will the first thought for ur accusation against me be this. and it seems that everything u said always have parents involved. And pls dont bring disputes from another one.since when the fuck have i brought ur family into dispute? is it that u can't out talk me and u decided to bring my parents into the picture? have i cursed and bitch at pple related to u? i will if i want to but i am not as ungraceful as u are. And for a cab driver u seem to have alot of free time instead of out on the road. Bro don't come guai lan with me hor
y? young man hot liao ar? Chinese said parents is responsible for poor upbringings of kids. u want to insult uncle then uncle ask wat ur parents teaching u la?
Sex education also part of all round education ma. Uncle thought ur parents taught u ur sex knowledge also.
y so hot? parents nvr teach u respect old uncle meh?
uncle nvr use crude words on u leh. uncle just smile at watever u say ma