My kids are closer to my maid than to me!
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I'm a parent of 3 and both my husband and i are working hard to pay off our housing debt. To take care of my children during my working hours, i hired a maid about 3 years ago.
However, it has become increasingly evident that my kids are more attached to the maid than me! They always talk with the maid and when i try to talk to them, they either give me short answers or just stare blankly at me. I feel frustrated and so does my husband.
Sometimes I feel like sacking the maid and hiring another one, so that at least i become the more 'familiar' person to them in the house. However, i don't think my kids are willing to part with my maid so easily... Can anyone tell me how to deal with this??? thx alot in advance
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Sack the maid and tell the guys that she herself want to resign and go back home
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This is quite common especially with young kids.
Just spend more quality time with your kids lor.
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Seems to me that the shift of the family structure from one working parent plus housewife to two working parents plus house workers is quite disruptive to the upbringing of the children and the passing down of the parents's values to their children.
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do u think u can blame the maid?
how can u expect ur kids to warm up to u when u cant afford to spend quality time with them.
so what if u're the mother.
they're oni kids.
at this stage of their lives, they will oni remember who took care of them, not who slogged to pay off the housing loans.
u can ignore ur kids feelings and sack the maid
but that wont solve the problems.
why?
becuz u'll still be busy working and neglecting them,
on the other hand ur kids will eventually be closer to the new maid.
watcha gonna do then?
sack and get a new one again?
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The other part of this will require you to put these things together to some extent. Persons, personalities if you wish, can be made only in communities. A community is made up of intimate relationships among diverse types of individuals -- a kinship group, a local group, a neighborhood, a village, a large family.
Without communities, no infant will be sufficiently socialized. He may grow up to be forty years old, he may have made an extremely good living, he may have engendered half a dozen children, but he is still an infant unless he has been properly socialized and that occurs in the first four or five years of life. In our society today, we have attempted to throw the whole burden of socializing our population upon the school system, to which the individual arrives only at the age of four or five.
A few years ago they had big programs to take children to school for a few hours at age two and three and four, but that will not socialize them. The first two years are very important. The way a child is treated in the first two days is of vital importance. He has to be loved, above all he has to be talked to.
A state of individuals, such as we have now reached in Western Civilization, will not create persons, and the atomized individuals who make it up will be motivated by desires which do not necessarily reflect needs. Instead of needing other people they need a shot of heroin; instead of some kind of religious conviction, they have to be with the winning team.
http://www.carrollquigley.net/Lectures/The-State-of-Individuals-AD-1776-1976.htm
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Hi...
In my opinion....maybe you can try to spend more time during weekends.....take the family for outing....and leave the maid behind....
For instance going out....eating out....go to zoo.....go to museum....all these.
Night time before the kids sleep, go talk to them.
Morning time also talk to them.
When you talk...talk in private settings....for instance inside a room....with no maid there....so for example during night time just before the kids sleep....
Also dont forget to let the kids meet with their grandparents too.....
Other than this.....
I am not sure about the sacking the maid / switching maid part......Because maybe it also mean the maid can take good care of the kids and can be entrusted. If you switch, it needs some period of adjustment and the new maid may not be good for the kids.
I guess you can also do some things to distance the kids from the maid and make them closer to you. Simply increase your interactions with them and reduce the maid's interactions with the kids.
But I wouldnt get too worried.
Because the kids are still little.
These are just little kids' memories.
Later after they get older, they know the difference between mommy and maid.
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Originally posted by Parren2010:
I'm a parent of 3 and both my husband and i are working hard to pay off our housing debt. To take care of my children during my working hours, i hired a maid about 3 years ago.
However, it has become increasingly evident that my kids are more attached to the maid than me! They always talk with the maid and when i try to talk to them, they either give me short answers or just stare blankly at me. I feel frustrated and so does my husband.
Sometimes I feel like sacking the maid and hiring another one, so that at least i become the more 'familiar' person to them in the house. However, i don't think my kids are willing to part with my maid so easily... Can anyone tell me how to deal with this??? thx alot in advance
You are a selfish parent.. even your posting reeks of selfishness.
It's not all about you .
A child needs someone "stable" in their life.
Unfortunately, your maid has become the anchor in their life because of your absence. And now you want to deprive them of that person who gave them stability and comfort when they needed it most . Selfish freak !
You can keep changing maids to ensure they don't become too attached to a maid. But a maid to them is just a PERSON.
Do you really think the kids are going to be so grateful you had to pay off a mortgage that is out of your means ?
They don't care even if they had to live in a cardbox , as long as the most important person in their life is there to be with them.
Think before you commit more selfish acts that will make the kids hate you more.
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Originally posted by Parren2010:
I'm a parent of 3 and both my husband and i are working hard to pay off our housing debt. To take care of my children during my working hours, i hired a maid about 3 years ago.
However, it has become increasingly evident that my kids are more attached to the maid than me! They always talk with the maid and when i try to talk to them, they either give me short answers or just stare blankly at me. I feel frustrated and so does my husband.
Sometimes I feel like sacking the maid and hiring another one, so that at least i become the more 'familiar' person to them in the house. However, i don't think my kids are willing to part with my maid so easily... Can anyone tell me how to deal with this??? thx alot in advance
Hi Parren2010,
I am sorry to hear about this. As I read this, I recall the days of my childhood. I remember that I am a child that needs love and attention. I was raised in a single parent family and my dad spends most of his working to support us.
However, I know that what I need is not just his money to support the family. I need his love, I need his attention and I need time with him.
I would encourage you to take special efforts to spent quality time with your children. It is not plainly just talking to them, but getting interested to know more about their life. Do not give up, I am sure one day, they will feel your love for them. A parent can never be replaced.
I hope things will be better in your family.
God bless. :)
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frankly speaking i think no one's at fault. I want to get my kids attention, the maid is just doing her job and the attachment between the maid and my children just came about with time...
I'll be more than willing to make effort to communicate with them but looks like there's already a formidable barrier between my kids and I. Can someone enlighten me on how to do it subtly such that there's a win-win situation?
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Originally posted by Parren2010:
frankly speaking i think no one's at fault. I want to get my kids attention, the maid is just doing her job and the attachment between the maid and my children just came about with time...
I'll be more than willing to make effort to communicate with them but looks like there's already a formidable barrier between my kids and I. Can someone enlighten me on how to do it subtly such that there's a win-win situation?
Keep up what you are doing. There won't be result overnight but you can just keep trying. One day, i'm sure they will open up.
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Originally posted by Parren2010:
frankly speaking i think no one's at fault. I want to get my kids attention, the maid is just doing her job and the attachment between the maid and my children just came about with time...
I'll be more than willing to make effort to communicate with them but looks like there's already a formidable barrier between my kids and I. Can someone enlighten me on how to do it subtly such that there's a win-win situation?
You don't even know how to forge a bond with your children ?
what is the point of living in a expensive home, but not enjoy quality time with your family ?
Children are very simple beings.
Bring them to their favourite place. spend quality time with them.
Go on a vacation with them to a place THEY want to go. WITHOUT the maid.
Tell them you love them very much every night...never leave the home without giving them a little hug and kiss ....... little love grows..
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Dont blame the maid. U can spend more time with ur children for bonding. Sack the maid children sad also gt to find a new maid.
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spend more time with your kids then, instead of relying only on the maid, why not get your kids to bond with their grandparents?
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Originally posted by Parren2010:
frankly speaking i think no one's at fault. I want to get my kids attention, the maid is just doing her job and the attachment between the maid and my children just came about with time...
I'll be more than willing to make effort to communicate with them but looks like there's already a formidable barrier between my kids and I. Can someone enlighten me on how to do it subtly such that there's a win-win situation?
If the maid is not at fault, then why do you want to sack her? She's just doing her job!
Guess what.... the lack of rapport between you and your kids can be blamed on one person. You.
Like you yourself said, the rapport between your maid and your kids gradually built up with time. The sad thing is that you did not build up that same level of rapport with your kids at the same time. That is entirely your own fault. You should be blaming yourself for that. Instead, you want to fire the maid. How sad.
What you can (and should) do is to start spending more time with the kids. Read them bedtime stories every night, and take them out on weekends (without the maid). Rapport can only be built over time, like you said - so don't rush it.
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Originally posted by fudgester:
If the maid is not at fault, then why do you want to sack her? She's just doing her job!
Guess what.... the lack of rapport between you and your kids can be blamed on one person. You.
Like you yourself said, the rapport between your maid and your kids gradually built up with time. The sad thing is that you did not build up that same level of rapport with your kids at the same time. That is entirely your own fault. You should be blaming yourself for that. Instead, you want to fire the maid. How sad.
What you can (and should) do is to start spending more time with the kids. Read them bedtime stories every night, and take them out on weekends (without the maid). Rapport can only be built over time, like you said - so don't rush it.
I second Fudgie. TS is at fault. Case closed. -
Originally posted by JJxJJ:
spend more time with your kids then, instead of relying only on the maid, why not get your kids to bond with their grandparents?
nice suggestion. -
3 kids are a big big committment...I wouldn't have 3 kids and then slog the hell off paying the house and car. Their growing up years are the only time we spend with them, when they become teens and adults, they wouldnt wanna stick to you anymore.
This is one example of how increasingly difficult it is for sgporeans to have a sound quality of life. Both husband and wife works due to rising costs of living and the never ending chase of the 5 Cs.
In other countries, these comforts can be easily achieved...with a little bit of hard work and a lot of work-life balance.
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You should be thankful that your domestic helper is reliable (since you have already employed her more than 3 years) and of great help to the domestic affair at home, so that both you and your spouse can have a mind of ease in your work.
As to your "jealousy" and feeling that your children are getting closer to your domestic help, asked yourself : "Have both of you done your part in getting close to your children?". I too am a working parent but I ensure that when we are at home, whether after working hours ,weekend or holidays, my time are spent with my family and children.
I always ensure that I'll take them out for a walk after dinner, watch TV program with them, read books with them and also telling them bedtime stories as often as possible and as much as possible a daily affair.
Yes, we are both tired after work but their childhood is a very short affair, in time to come when you realised it. Treat your children as a "friend" in play and as a parent in discipline. Talk to them, listen to them and not just providing their materials need only.
Don't worry, your children will grow up to know who's their parent in future but do your part now.
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Reminds me of my childhood. My parents are always so busy. My sibling and I are attached to our maids.
Trust me, by sacking your maid, it won't help the situation.
My father change maid every 2 years, during my siblings and I growing up process, we are close to the maids. Still remember we are always sad when we sent our maid off at Changi Airport. Our maids bought for us birthday presents. When my sister cry, my maid will be there to comfort her. etc etc....
But once we grow up, like now. We are naturally attached to our parents even though we still have maid.
Just my own life story.
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Instead of blaming the maid why dont u reconcile to the fact that u are an absentee parent. Quantitatively u are or could be providing but qualitatively i think it is lacking guidance. Good parenting provides guidance and yet teaches UNLEANING!
They are attached to the maid (could be even u or your spouse) but u are unwittingly reinforcing dependency and lean-on attitutes n habits.
Even when you are rid of the maid - you are going to reinforce attachment or ... it would be better that you guide them and yet teach them to be independent in many ways. Of course, it presupposes that you are independent and can partake of them and yet guide to adulthood.
I say that cos you seem to unconciously feel insecure that you are not needed ( attachment is neediness and the wanting to be validated for what one is or does? Are U? ) If you do care as u claim - you would know lah, by now what to do.
The mistake is not the maid but the lack n oversight by parents that they made or make ''decisions/choices'' and now the blame game and what-not. Instead of competing, co-operate with the maid to bring equilibrium to the household and as to whether the maid has to go or not would have a different meaning as time goes by.
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Originally posted by Parren2010:
I'm a parent of 3 and both my husband and i are working hard to pay off our housing debt. To take care of my children during my working hours, i hired a maid about 3 years ago.
However, it has become increasingly evident that my kids are more attached to the maid than me! They always talk with the maid and when i try to talk to them, they either give me short answers or just stare blankly at me. I feel frustrated and so does my husband.
Sometimes I feel like sacking the maid and hiring another one, so that at least i become the more 'familiar' person to them in the house. However, i don't think my kids are willing to part with my maid so easily... Can anyone tell me how to deal with this??? thx alot in advance
How old are your children?
Speaking from the perspective of a former educator, I feel you need to work on your parenting style, if you wish to improve your relationship with your kids.
If you have an open mind, and can take my direct and blunt views:
http://www.rainbowjigsaw.com/2010/05/your-childrens-lives-are-not-yours.html
Rainbow Jigsaw of Life
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Originally posted by Parren2010:
frankly speaking i think no one's at fault. I want to get my kids attention, the maid is just doing her job and the attachment between the maid and my children just came about with time...
I'll be more than willing to make effort to communicate with them but looks like there's already a formidable barrier between my kids and I. Can someone enlighten me on how to do it subtly such that there's a win-win situation?
You know the problem. Work on it.
Human relationship barriers should not be demolished, but chipped away.
The children are young and therefore easily attaches themselves to the caregiver easily. This also happens in the animal world where the young of a species is adopted by the mother of another.
It is never too late to start reclaiming your children, although the earlier the better. And yes, do it subtly. Put a smile to their hearts in the morning before you and your husband leaves for work, and again when you return home. Praises works wonders. I bet the maid is doing that, praising them and nuturing them. She probably has natural talent for that. Yes, its not her fault.
As you have thought out the strategies at the work front, to establish yourselves in your careers, you now must think out the strategies at the home front.
Besides the starters, plan for the evenings and holidays. Don't be mechanical, think what would your children like, treat them like young adults, let them make decisions fearlessly. They are hesitant with you, because you represent the authority. You need to become the friend. But do not pamper them and spoil them. Do not try to buy your way to them. Read up on spending quality time with your children, and decide whats best for you. Only you and your husband know your children well.
You, your husband, and the maid (you have a good maid there) can bring up the children together.
Parenting is about bringing up children, and then releasing them to the world.
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It took 3 years of time for your maid to build up the bond she has with the kids...
Your kids willnot change allegiances overnight simply because you are 'mum'.
Being impatient for your kids' attention is extremely immature.
You didn't give them the attention when they needed it, and now just cos you are insecure and jealous, you are impatient for them to quickly focus on you - it isn't going to happen.
Learn to be patient and understand them first. Your maid can be the bridge to you understanding them.
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Thx for all your comments, i have been trying hard to make time for communication. it seems difficult but i'm trying...
I did not sack my maid of course, and i think she is doing a good job so there's no reason for me to sack her. btw my kids are 4,6 and 7 respectively and i am happy that they are coping well in their kindergarten/pri school. I'll try to make time sending/fetching them to school and talk to them on the way