misunderstanding

• boy in blues

  2 Apr 03, 00:03

  i believe i have caused a female friend to misunderstand my friendly concern for her for courtship advances. May i know how to allay her fears. Really hope to hear all your advice le.
• [ X ] & [ L ]

  2 Apr 03, 00:07

  Well i guess u gotta relate more for us beofre we can really heeeeelp.....
• boy in blues

  2 Apr 03, 03:04

  i have showed absolutely nothing beyond platonic friendship concern. but she is treating me in a way that is vastly different from all other friends (guys and gals in even proportions) among us. she always looks downwards talking to me. her replies to my questions are always far shorter than those to her other friends. she teases and makes fun of every single friend in our group except me. she is generally easily amused but her smile and laughter towards my jokes are more one of courtesey and extremely tensed. whenever she tries to smile at me, i can so clearly see that she is making such a great effort as though her mouth may be smiling, the rest of her entire face is all tensed up and her eyes turn moist just like a cornered doe. i really hope that she can relax in my presense. should i address this issue to her and tell her that i am not expecting anything of her? on the other hand, would she wonder why i would be sensitive to such things if i had no other interest in her? on my part, i have never even once smiled at her and try to avoid eye contact whenever possible, in her consideration. i have no clue what went wrong.
• jOhO

  2 Apr 03, 03:24

  so u don't like her rite?
  
  u're right about the confronting part. it's just gonna make things worse. i mean pple are usually defensive to these kind of things. go up and tell her that u think she thinks that u like her when u don't is gonna do (negative) things to her pride. wat for?
  
  i guess u might wanna "show" her u dun like her instead. yeah she's a great friend of urs and u do care for her, but for the moment just back off a while, if u often hang out together in a group, then don't give her unnecessary attention, but don't be fazed if she doesn't respond to u either.
  
  btw, u don't KNOW for sure that she thinks that u are trying to court her rite? i mean it's just wat u think rite? could it be something else? make sure u're not jumping to the wrong conclusions.
  
  i think a little distance for now might help. wat do u reckon?
• boy in blues

  2 Apr 03, 03:36

  i have never 'suan' her but would really like to. merely for the purpose of provoking her to suan me back. what are the best things to 'suan1' a girl about but without making her feel uncomfortable? also to reassure her that i will not be emotionally affected by her suaning and also that i do not fear offending her to the extent that i treat her with excessive respect. how do girls perceive a guys smile? is there a way to maintain eye contact without staring? i have a problem maintaining eye contact for long durations le.
• jOhO

  2 Apr 03, 03:43

  Originally posted by boy in blues:

  i have never 'suan' her but would really like to. merely for the purpose of provoking her to suan me back. what are the best things to 'suan1' a girl about but without making her feel uncomfortable? also to reassure her that i will not be emotionally affected by her suaning and also that i do not fear offending her to the extent that i treat her with excessive respect. how do girls perceive a guys smile? is there a way to maintain eye contact without staring? i have a problem maintaining eye contact for long durations le.

  eh... to me that could come across as flirting when that's exactly wat u shouldn't be doing, if u dun want to give her the idea that u like her.
  
  seems to me that u DO like her leh.
  
  ways to maintain eye contact? for wat? now, i'm wondering why would it bother u enuff to post this query out if u just treat her as a normal friend?
  
  well if u really want to know wat's the "longest" way to remain eye contact, it's to stop when u don't feel comfortable. btw u know wat eye contact is rite, when both pple are looking at each other. if she's not looking at u and u keep looking, then that's staring. unless of course u guys wanna look at each other and see who can stare longer..
  
  so u sure u don't like her?
• SunRisE

  2 Apr 03, 04:05

  Originally posted by boy in blues:

  i have showed absolutely nothing beyond platonic friendship concern. but she is treating me in a way that is vastly different from all other friends (guys and gals in even proportions) among us. she always looks downwards talking to me. her replies to my questions are always far shorter than those to her other friends. she teases and makes fun of every single friend in our group except me. she is generally easily amused but her smile and laughter towards my jokes are more one of courtesey and extremely tensed. whenever she tries to smile at me, i can so clearly see that she is making such a great effort as though her mouth may be smiling, the rest of her entire face is all tensed up and her eyes turn moist just like a cornered doe. i really hope that she can relax in my presense. should i address this issue to her and tell her that i am not expecting anything of her? on the other hand, would she wonder why i would be sensitive to such things if i had no other interest in her? on my part, i have never even once smiled at her and try to avoid eye contact whenever possible, in her consideration. i have no clue what went wrong.

  i guess she's feels uncomfortable with you.. she's trying her best not to show it out.. cos deep down she knows that you do care for her...
  
  And maybe the way that you showered with care and concern.. She feels/thinks that.. you have fallen for her.. If you really treat jus like a friend.. Do the same thing you do to other friends.. Don't let her think that she's the exceptional one that you special taken care of..
  
  Try not to give any unneccessary attentions to her only.. Don't focus everything on her.. like looking at her expression all the times.. when you talking about jokes or something else.. Try to divert the attention to somewhere or someone else....
  
  Slowly make her feels more comfortable with you.. Try to equal to everyone in the group.. and make known to everyone (especially her) that all of you as jus friends and nothing beyond that.. Use indirect ways to tell them.. Like "Hey, my GF.. blah blah" or "I think i like this girl who is from where.. blah blah" and so on..
  
  She will come to realise it in the end.. That you 2 are really platonic friends.. If she is still very DEfensive.. then i suggest you to back off a while (like what joho said).. maybe things will turn out better after that..
  
  Cheers!
• boy in blues

  2 Apr 03, 04:10

  yaloh, i have also witnessed ah bengs suaning their lians with professionalism. but our group of friends always suan one another frequently just to spice up the atmosphere and strengthen the friendship and understanding of one another. usually a guy would suan a gal, always successfully trigerring a retaliation, a battle of wits ensue and the gal always triumphs. it works in entertaining the group all the time.
• jOhO

  2 Apr 03, 04:29

  Originally posted by boy in blues:

  yaloh, i have also witnessed ah bengs suaning their lians with professionalism. but our group of friends always suan one another frequently just to spice up the atmosphere and strengthen the friendship and understanding of one another. usually a guy would suan a gal, always successfully trigerring a retaliation, a battle of wits ensue and the gal always triumphs. it works in entertaining the group all the time.

  huh?
  
  ya lor? u ya lor-ing to who? none of us mentioned about the suanning part leh?
  
  we seem to be talking about two different things now...
  
  so u confirm dun like her rite? never answer questions one leh..
• boy in blues

  2 Apr 03, 04:50

  Originally posted by jOhO:

  huh?
  
  ya lor? u ya lor-ing to who? none of us mentioned about the suanning part leh?
  
  we seem to be talking about two different things now...
  
  so u confirm dun like her rite? never answer questions one leh..

  oops, forgot to answer your qn. Ya, confirmed just platonic friendship
  
• boy in blues

  2 Apr 03, 05:13

  Originally posted by SunRisE:

  i guess she's feels uncomfortable with you.. she's trying her best not to show it out.. cos deep down she knows that you do care for her...
  
  And maybe the way that you showered with care and concern.. She feels/thinks that.. you have fallen for her.. If you really treat jus like a friend.. Do the same thing you do to other friends.. Don't let her think that she's the exceptional one that you special taken care of..
  
  Try not to give any unneccessary attentions to her only.. Don't focus everything on her.. like looking at her expression all the times.. when you talking about jokes or something else.. Try to divert the attention to somewhere or someone else....
  
  Slowly make her feels more comfortable with you.. Try to equal to everyone in the group.. and make known to everyone (especially her) that all of you as jus friends and nothing beyond that.. Use indirect ways to tell them.. Like "Hey, my GF.. blah blah" or "I think i like this girl who is from where.. blah blah" and so on..
  
  She will come to realise it in the end.. That you 2 are really platonic friends.. If she is still very DEfensive.. then i suggest you to back off a while (like what joho said).. maybe things will turn out better after that..
  
  Cheers!

  Gee, Sunrise. your words have truly encouraged me as if you have always been among all my friends witnessing everything around and within me. Your reply display your amazing wisdom and far more importantly, an extremely sincere heart to extend help to an unseen stranger even in the dead of the night. will no doubt ponder over your greatly valued advice and subject them all to practical application. i am convinced that your online presense will benefit many who can derive great inspiration from you. Cheers to you always!
• boy in blues

  2 Apr 03, 06:54

  Originally posted by jOhO:

  so u don't like her rite?
  
  u're right about the confronting part. it's just gonna make things worse. i mean pple are usually defensive to these kind of things. go up and tell her that u think she thinks that u like her when u don't is gonna do (negative) things to her pride. wat for?
  
  i guess u might wanna "show" her u dun like her instead. yeah she's a great friend of urs and u do care for her, but for the moment just back off a while, if u often hang out together in a group, then don't give her unnecessary attention, but don't be fazed if she doesn't respond to u either.
  
  btw, u don't KNOW for sure that she thinks that u are trying to court her rite? i mean it's just wat u think rite? could it be something else? make sure u're not jumping to the wrong conclusions.
  
  i think a little distance for now might help. wat do u reckon?

  woah, sorry i actually missed this reply until now. Thanks jOhO, your words exude great perceptivity and have spoken into me as well. although i have no problems concealing it, but inwardly, i cannot help but be fazed by her coldness simply because she is doing this EXCLUSIVELY to me. there has been this drastic change in her attitude for reasons unbeknownst to me. she used to behave normally towards me but i cant remember exactly when or why or how this all started. i reckon u r right dat a little distance for now, would help. perhaps i have no other alternative but to completely isolate myself from her for at least 1 or 2 maybe even 3 weeks. Really hope i can start afresh my friendship with her after this hiatus. i only hope dat no permanent damage has been done to our friendship and she will have minimal reminiscence of the uneasiness she had felt towards me before. until i return to her, gotta figure out exactly where is that thin line between platonic friendship and courtship lest i should cross it again. such misunderstandings can be so destructive to friendships and causes unnecessary stress especially to her. the fact that she is bothered, bothers me leh.
• jOhO

  2 Apr 03, 07:26

  Originally posted by boy in blues:

  woah, sorry i actually missed this reply until now. Thanks jOhO, your words exude great perceptivity and have spoken into me as well. although i have no problems concealing it, but inwardly, i cannot help but be fazed by her coldness simply because she is doing this EXCLUSIVELY to me. there has been this drastic change in her attitude for reasons unbeknownst to me. she used to behave normally towards me but i cant remember exactly when or why or how this all started. i reckon u r right dat a little distance for now, would help. perhaps i have no other alternative but to completely isolate myself from her for at least 1 or 2 maybe even 3 weeks. Really hope i can start afresh my friendship with her after this hiatus. i only hope dat no permanent damage has been done to our friendship and she will have minimal reminiscence of the uneasiness she had felt towards me before. until i return to her, gotta figure out exactly where is that thin line between platonic friendship and courtship lest i should cross it again. such misunderstandings can be so destructive to friendships and causes unnecessary stress especially to her. the fact that she is bothered, bothers me leh.

  well hope things turn out well, looks like u know wat to do. don't forget, it could be something else that's bothering her, not just ur seeming courtship. of course, u would know better.
  
  btw, i liked how u used super cheem english all the way thru, and ended of with a touch of singlish. hhahaha charming indeed, LEH!
  
  (damn that sounded soooooo contrived...)
  
  
• boy in blues

  2 Apr 03, 10:24

  Originally posted by jOhO:

  well hope things turn out well, looks like u know wat to do. don't forget, it could be something else that's bothering her, not just ur seeming courtship. of course, u would know better.
  
  btw, i liked how u used super cheem english all the way thru, and ended of with a touch of singlish. hhahaha charming indeed, LEH!
  
  (damn that sounded soooooo contrived...)
  
  

  no lah...i where got know wat to do. wun b here liao if i did mah.
• boy in blues

  2 Apr 03, 10:34

  Originally posted by jOhO:

  well hope things turn out well, looks like u know wat to do. don't forget, it could be something else that's bothering her, not just ur seeming courtship. of course, u would know better.
  
  btw, i liked how u used super cheem english all the way thru, and ended of with a touch of singlish. hhahaha charming indeed, LEH!
  
  (damn that sounded soooooo contrived...)
  
  

  woah, good thing u correct me early. must work on that part too.
• Devil1976

  2 Apr 03, 11:43

  Originally posted by boy in blues:

  i believe i have caused a female friend to misunderstand my friendly concern for her for courtship advances. May i know how to allay her fears. Really hope to hear all your advice le.

  There is a CHANCE that there MIGHT be a misunderstanding...? Then again, there might not be one...
  
  Just try to take things EASY and be RELAXED.... Try to put her in a more RELAXED situation or mood like you too.... But you would probably be able to do so IF you're RELAXED enough yourself....? You can also just CASUALLY check out for any possibility of misunderstandings between you and her in a more indirectly sense the 'tensed' situation has toned down somehow...?
• boy in blues

  2 Apr 03, 12:30

  Originally posted by jOhO:

  well hope things turn out well, looks like u know wat to do. don't forget, it could be something else that's bothering her, not just ur seeming courtship. of course, u would know better.
  
  btw, i liked how u used super cheem english all the way thru, and ended of with a touch of singlish. hhahaha charming indeed, LEH!
  
  (damn that sounded soooooo contrived...)
  
  

  sigh...maybe felt too severe, then type too formal liao. or izit the ending too abrupt and freaky without maintaining proper flow and distributing evenly? sympton of tensesness & insecurity. wat i think about criticism and suaning? can be offensive to some ppl. but i feel they are needed for sincere, transparent, point-blank-straight-in-the-face-from-the-heart communication. dunno u believe or not. i actually appreciate negative comments from friends becos on the positive side, it can mean they trust u dun mind and is a sign of familiarity. genuine friends treating you with formal courtesey and excessive respect? i went to class late today. only 2 seats remaining. one next to her and the other was 2 seats away behind her. took the seat further away from her to play safe. she saw me and made the effort to turn her body to face me and said 'hello'. the way she did it was like she had to do it becos it was the correct thing to do. it sure didn't feel good one bit to impose on her like dat.
• boy in blues

  2 Apr 03, 12:59

  Originally posted by Devil1976:

  There is a CHANCE that there MIGHT be a misunderstanding...? Then again, there might not be one...
  
  Just try to take things EASY and be RELAXED.... Try to put her in a more RELAXED situation or mood like you too.... But you would probably be able to do so IF you're RELAXED enough yourself....? You can also just CASUALLY check out for any possibility of misunderstandings between you and her in a more indirectly sense the 'tensed' situation has toned down somehow...?

  thanks leh, Devil1976. u may have a sinister nickname but u speak from the heart. u sure u dun wanna change your nickname so as not to scare others? i need to get out of my paranoia fast. dunno if she can still believe in CASUAL and RELAXED leh. She now on ultra-defensive mode and she always has this exceptionally, uniquely 'attentive' look on her face when i talk to her and this is EXCLUSIVELY towards me ONLY. How 'attentive' is that look? About as 'concerned' as a doctor looking at a patient dying of SARS i guess. stress levels high enough, hope to help her take it easier. as for me? i know the best and fastest way to help myself start to take this easy is after she has taken this easy.
• M©+square

  2 Apr 03, 13:14

  How long has this friendship been? (Lateral Thinking Mode ON)
  Let me attempt some illogical n seemingly dumb suggestions.
  
  If it has been long....
  1. It's possible that she has come to know certain dark secret of yours.
  2. Maybe a friend had instigated that you're interested in her?
  3. She likes you....she's afraid...
  4. You're her half Bro!!!?
  
  If it's recent....
  1. I suspect somebody played a joke one you.
  2. You've being back stabbed.
  3. Refer to point 3 of the above.
  4. You're her long lost brother!!???
  
  _____________________________________________________
  
  Serious,
  
  There's a time to confront...there's also time to isolate, as what you have suggested. I always believe that a third person could ease the whole situation.
  If you insist of seeing this situation as great bother to you and you wish to end the frustrating struggle, then i'd ask you to get a trustworthy friend, to either sit together and talk casually...confronting the issue casual, as possible.
  Or get a friend to call her up and get the truth.
  
  Alternatively,
  
  You should take a step back, and leave her alone.
  Till when the time is right to talk, then do it.
  Otherwise, don't do anything.
  It's better for her to notice you too....rather then you trying to find her out.
  
  That's all for now
  
  
• Forever84

  2 Apr 03, 13:38

  i think you like her
  but maybe you don't know
  i mean you so observant ar?
• M©+square

  2 Apr 03, 13:38

  Originally posted by boy in blues:

  sigh...maybe felt too severe, then type too formal liao. or izit the ending too abrupt and freaky without maintaining proper flow and distributing evenly? sympton of tensesness & insecurity. wat i think about criticism and suaning? can be offensive to some ppl. but i feel they are needed for sincere, transparent, point-blank-straight-in-the-face-from-the-heart communication. dunno u believe or not. i actually appreciate negative comments from friends becos on the positive side, it can mean they trust u dun mind and is a sign of familiarity. genuine friends treating you with formal courtesey and excessive respect? i went to class late today. only 2 seats remaining. one next to her and the other was 2 seats away behind her. took the seat further away from her to play safe. she saw me and made the effort to turn her body to face me and said 'hello'. the way she did it was like she had to do it becos it was the correct thing to do. it sure didn't feel good one bit to impose on her like dat.

  I personally feel that suaning is not being honest and point blank. Instead, i feel that it's wearing a mask and smiling at you. Telling you 'You Suck Big Time'
  There's always a time to have fun, but if heart to heart communication comes....there shouldn't be any mask....
  It should be clean and proper, no hidden agenda, hinting or whatsoever. There are times when conversation becomes ugly...but everyone knows that they're still good friends.
  
  Note: You're too concern over the tings she does. It's not good.
• Yunhaier

  2 Apr 03, 14:40

  *Sick mode on - reply cut short*
  
  It could be a possibility that she could have like you, thats why she always feel so tense up when you are around.
  
  Well, I said possibility.
  
  Cheers
• hokeypokey

  2 Apr 03, 15:04

  Originally posted by M©+square:
  Let me attempt some illogical n seemingly dumb suggestions.
  
  If it has been long....
  
  3. She likes you....she's afraid...
  
  

  the answer might bi as simple as this.
  
  a shy girl who likes u but is afraid tt she might make a fool of herself in front of u...tts y she gets all tensed up when toking to u..
  n..if she avoids eye contact wif u..i would say chances r high she's a shy girl who likes u!
• M©+square

  2 Apr 03, 15:22

  Originally posted by Yunhaier:

  *Sick mode on - reply cut short*
  
  It could be a possibility that she could have like you, thats why she always feel so tense up when you are around.
  
  Well, I said possibility.
  
  Cheers

  Yun!!! That's really short! Is it because all the rest had already pointed out what should be said and you're left with this?
  
  

  Originally posted by hokeypokey:
  
  
  the answer [b]might bi as simple as this.
  
  a shy girl who likes u but is afraid tt she might make a fool of herself in front of u...tts y she gets all tensed up when toking to u..
  n..if she avoids eye contact wif u..i would say chances r high she's a shy girl who likes u! [/b]

  Yes yes, i refer to the above mentioned.
  Plus a bonus point to you.
  Cos you were saying that your circle of friends like suaning one another. ...and i presume that you're one of them who has a 'lethal mouth'
  It's possible that she's afraid of being ended up as a victim by your skillful suaning...and thereafter it's just like what hokeypokey had addressed.
  Cheers
  
  
• M©+square

  2 Apr 03, 15:23

  Originally posted by Yunhaier:

  *Sick mode on - reply cut short*
  It could be a possibility that she could have like you, thats why she always feel so tense up when you are around.
  
  Well, I said possibility.
  
  Cheers

  YUN!!! You're Sick?? *concerned*