how to help my fren??
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sighz...realli dunno how to help my fren...
think she is in deep shit...
my fren, A is now attached with D for one yr already...
5 yrs ago, she was deeply in love and attached with this guy, B for 4yrs but eventually they broke off cos she felt that B is the bo-chap type of guy...
at that time, B was still serving NS..but chose to go out with his frens even when he booked out on wkends without meeting A
A could no longer endure these nonsense & broke off with B..
eventually, she chose this guy [bC[/b] whom she met at a pub. initially, she tot she could forget B by taking C as a substitute...but she was not happy...at last she broke off with C as well...
but my fren did not learn her lesson..
one day she met D who also works in the same company as her...D wooed her...eventually her heart softened & accepted D.
D treated her very well...she felt loved as nobody has treated her so nice...she felt just like a princess..
in the past when she was with B, she was the one who's always giving...
now that D treats her so nice even though she puts in so little effort, she felt blissed...
after being with D for few mths, D asked her to apply hse together...& she agreed...cos D was 28, going to 29 soon...
now, having been together for one yr, they finally receive the letter from HDB that the hse will be ready soon...
& so they decided to fix a date for ROM since the hse will be ready soon...
however, as her ROM date is nearing soon, she suddenly became very scared...
all of a sudden, she told me she doesn't want to get married to D...
questions which never ever come across her mind suddenly all rushed to her...
she finds that she is still not ready for marriage yet...
she is still very younger...22 only she still have feelings for B (her bf for 4 yrs) and cannot forget him she starts to wonder if she has been taking D as a substitute all along... she finds it disgraceful walking together with D cos my fren is the tall & slim kind while D is plump & shorter than her The thought of having to give up her high heel shoes makes her very sad cos my fren loves to wear high heel shoes. Being with D means she has to give up heels.. claims not to love him but have the "get-used-to-each-other" type of feeling b'cos he treats her very nice. Fetch her to work, see him everyday...
my fren want to call off the whole thing..
she brought it up to D but the first payment for their house of $30K has to go down the drain.
D but he seemed to threaten her with the situations which she will have to bear...the responsibilities & the pressure she has to face with her friends, colleagues & his family members...he demanded a full repayment of the $30k back to him should my fren chose to back out at this time...
worse thing is, she dragged the whole issue.......& eventually, even went to the bridal shop to book a wedding photo package together with him...
until yesterday, the confirmation letter on the collection of their hse key came...she finally realise that she could not avoid this...
she knows very sure that she dun love D but she dunno what to do since things have already reached this stage...
if she back out now, she will have to repay D the $30k have to face criticism from colleagues...D told her that he wun help her to cover up...if anyone asked, he will tell them the truth... (chances are, she will be bad-mouthed) she brings hurt to him.. she has to pick herself up & live a life without D...no one to pamper her anymore.. cannot face him in future cos they working in the same company..
/phew...typed so much already.............
hey pple~~ thks for enduring & finish reading........what do you all think? any advice??
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haiya..another relationship problem ah...so sick...love is not the only thing to worry about..u wont die from it, neither will u live longer from it...its all in ur mind.
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She chose him,so be wif him..As for feelings for B,can slowly forget one...since the guy already got a house n everything for her guess its already very wonderful...tell her dun give him up...
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dun try to show us how mighty u are....i m not interested...Originally posted by De|usi0n:haiya..another relationship problem ah...so sick...love is not the only thing to worry about..u wont die from it, neither will u live longer from it...its all in ur mind.
if u are not happy to give any advice, then plz~ buzz off...........
i am sad to see my fren like this...juz wish to help her in any way........... -
money, love......hai~~~~the worldly things so important meh?
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I hoped I helped...just tell him to concentrate on this mature guy lor..tell her to dun mind looks that much lar...Originally posted by CuTiE~~:dun try to show us how mighty u are....i m not interested...
if u are not happy to give any advice, then plz~ buzz off...........
i am sad to see my fren like this...juz wish to help her in any way........... -
edited~Originally posted by De|usi0n:money, love......hai~~~~the worldly things so important meh? -
Marry for love ba..One's happiness...last for a lifetime..Seems late to realize that she don't love D at all..However, even if they get married, she won't be happy lah..
I know nothing about legal documents but i believe when there's a will, there's a way. Good luck to her!
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I'll not touch on B or C cos i think they're not the lead problem now.
B and C are Extras - Care-leh-Fair.
Your friend has indeed made a mistake.
Not only is she not decisive....but i think it's her age-immaturity which makes her regret.
So A wants out from D however there are so many circumstances bothering her.
Now that she realise that she got get out of this mess.
I shan't talk about theories.
My suggestion is as follows: Marriage is a no go, do not go thru the ceremony.
Stop everything before it goes on further. House is ok. There's re-sale value regarding about the house. Get the house first. Then sell it/rent it off till when it reaches five years. Or get A to consult her parents and fork out 30K to pay D money for downpayment. I never agree with marrying the a person whom you don't love. Marriage doesn't have it's honour then. Marriage is a everlasting and blissful event.
If she has decided that she's not going to marry D. Then drop it all off.
But warn her not to get into another relationship, (i suggest a rest for a year) so to learn how to be independent. She got to learn how to love herself and her friends. Guys ain't everything in her world.
In short - Wake Up her Idea.Originally posted by CuTiE~~:
Now i refer to the above,
if she back out now, she will have to repay [b]D the $30k have to face criticism from colleagues...D told her that he wun help her to cover up...if anyone asked, he will tell them the truth... (chances are, she will be bad-mouthed) she brings hurt to him.. she has to pick herself up & live a life without D...no one to pamper her anymore.. cannot face him in future cos they working in the same company..
[/b]
First Point: So now i have covered the problem of 30K
Second Point: Firstly, Now talking about criticism from colleagues, is it ever possible that she could go into another company? At her age and the working experience that she has. I believe she could have chances else where.
Secondly, she got to realise that it's not a pride/ego/face problem anymore. There are true friends that could stand by her side. If she didn't know this at all....i believe this is the best lesson she'll have to learn.
In short - Friends Are More Precious then You Thought.
Third Point: She don't love him right? Doesn't it hurt him even more to know the fact? Face it.
Fourth Point: It's nice to have people to pamper...however human has so much ability to do so much in this society. Selfish thinking this is. My question to her is......what does she really want in life?
She could have all the pamper and loving care she wants from one person, or from all her friends and loved ones around her.
Every walk in life, no one guarantees a smooth journey.
Trials and stromy days are days which made us stronger and better person.
That's all i have.
To Yun and all buddies of AG: If you read this, i remember that we do not have rights to tell people what to do or even break up a r/s.
However i feel it's not for the good of this girl that she has to get out of this relationship. Instead it's for the good of D that he wouldn't have to suffer with the girl. It's so unfair for D. I believe in this case.
Cheers -
Originally posted by CuTiE~~:
Hi Cutie,
sighz...realli dunno how to help my fren...
think she is in deep shit...
my fren, [b]A is now attached with D for one yr already...
5 yrs ago, she was deeply in love and attached with this guy, B for 4yrs but eventually they broke off cos she felt that B is the bo-chap type of guy... at that time, B was still serving NS..but chose to go out with his frens even when he booked out on wkends without meeting A
A could no longer endure these nonsense & broke off with B..
eventually, she chose this guy [bC[/b] whom she met at a pub. initially, she tot she could forget B by taking C as a substitute...but she was not happy...at last she broke off with C as well...
but my fren did not learn her lesson..
one day she met D who also works in the same company as her...D wooed her...eventually her heart softened & accepted D.
D treated her very well...she felt loved as nobody has treated her so nice...she felt just like a princess..
in the past when she was with B, she was the one who's always giving...
now that D treats her so nice even though she puts in so little effort, she felt blissed...
after being with D for few mths, D asked her to apply hse together...& she agreed...cos D was 28, going to 29 soon...
now, having been together for one yr, they finally receive the letter from HDB that the hse will be ready soon...
& so they decided to fix a date for ROM since the hse will be ready soon...
however, as her ROM date is nearing soon, she suddenly became very scared...
all of a sudden, she told me she doesn't want to get married to D...
questions which never ever come across her mind suddenly all rushed to her...
she finds that she is still not ready for marriage yet... she is still very younger...22 only she still have feelings for B (her bf for 4 yrs) and cannot forget him she starts to wonder if she has been taking D as a substitute all along... she finds it disgraceful walking together with D cos my fren is the tall & slim kind while D is plump & shorter than her The thought of having to give up her high heel shoes makes her very sad cos my fren loves to wear high heel shoes. Being with D means she has to give up heels.. claims not to love him but have the "get-used-to-each-other" type of feeling b'cos he treats her very nice. Fetch her to work, see him everyday...
my fren want to call off the whole thing..
she brought it up to D but the first payment for their house of $30K has to go down the drain.
D but he seemed to threaten her with the situations which she will have to bear...the responsibilities & the pressure she has to face with her friends, colleagues & his family members...he demanded a full repayment of the $30k back to him should my fren chose to back out at this time...
worse thing is, she dragged the whole issue.......& eventually, even went to the bridal shop to book a wedding photo package together with him...
until yesterday, the confirmation letter on the collection of their hse key came...she finally realise that she could not avoid this...
she knows very sure that she dun love D but she dunno what to do since things have already reached this stage...
if she back out now, she will have to repay D the $30k have to face criticism from colleagues...D told her that he wun help her to cover up...if anyone asked, he will tell them the truth... (chances are, she will be bad-mouthed) she brings hurt to him.. she has to pick herself up & live a life without D...no one to pamper her anymore.. cannot face him in future cos they working in the same company..
/phew...typed so much already.............
hey pple~~ thks for enduring & finish reading........what do you all think? any advice?? [/b]
Your Friend A has been with B for 4 years.. Before B goes to NS.. is he always the bo-chap guy? Or is oni when he's in NS then seldom meet up with friends then neglect A??
When a guy goes to NS and couldn't come out often.. He will tend to grab the chance to go out with his own bunch of friends whenever he book out.. Reason being becos.. at that time most of his friends oso went army.. don't always get to gather together often... And Yes, B shouldn't neglect A too.. no matter wat still your gf.. oso dun meet up often.. Have A try talking to B about this matter?? I dunno about B how's his character like.. But all these nonsense can be avoided.. A shouldn't make a decision so fast and broke of with him.. They should have communicate with each other about the problem.. maybe who knows.. things might work out... BUt if happen that B is really those kind of bo-chap guy, then i think is better off to be single...
How long was the duration from the breakup and meeting of C in the pub?? Knowing ppl in pub.. and tot he might be the one.. is impossible.. SOme ppl goes to pub to look flings or jus one night stand.. Is jus like online thing.. who can really find true love thru internet.. very rarely.. And of cos A realised that C doesnt suit.. and she wasnt happy with him.. Worse of all.. she treated C as a substitute... If she really cannot forget about B.. take sometime to rest and get back her own life first.. b4 goin into another relationship so fast.. IT wouldnt help.. or rather it will make things worse by doin it..
I can say that A really is "jian yi ge ai yi ge".. anyone who try to chase her.. she will jus go with it.. Changing clothes or wat?? See which one will suits her more is it?? NOw that she with D for 1 year... D pamper her like a little princess.. cos b4 that.. B together with her for 4 years.. doesn;t show any care n concern to her.. A does get the good feelings that D has given.. C needless to say.. is oni a spare tyre.. A likes the way D treats her.. and that's why she chose to stay with him.. Fetch her to work.. she gets what she wanted... Now i finally agree with my bf that most girls are materialistics... This is one good example.. (sorry not to offend you or your friend).
They eVen bought a hse together... and wedding photo are all done..oh man she's oni 22!!! A doesnt wan to get tied so fast.. SHe still wants to enjoy her life... What the he|| is she thinking...
In the first place when she agrees to all this.. Its all very "Cong Dong". A thinks that she finally found that guy who can give her everything.. who can loves her more than she loves him.. But then after that she realised that her love to him wasn;t true love.. is jus someone who she can depend/rely on...
Now that she complains.. he's short and plump.. She must give up on her high heels if she were to marry that guy... She couldn't imagine if she were to live forever with this guy.. All this have becomes a routine in relationship.. She's so used to have him around.. If one day.. D and A broke up.. A would think that she has lost everything in her life.. SHe doesnt want to start everything all over again.. Searchin a new bf.. who can be like D gives her everything.. and of cos the love she had for B.. While D is 29.. He obviously wanted to find a companion to spend his life with... and i think... both of them don't know each other well.. Being as Bf or GF is different from being husband and wife.. Alot of commitment involve..
All i can tell A is that.. At least she knows that she isnt ready for a marriage.. and knows that she couldnt give those commitment in this marriage.. and SHE DUN LOVE HIM!! If she really doesnt wan this marriage.. cancel off... Talk to D about it nicely.. Even she might hurt him deeply.. This marriage shouldnt continue!!!!! If she decides to get married to someone she dun love.. in the end it will still end up in DIVORCE!! so what's the point of gettin married in the 1st place.. This is what is suggest.. but i think this should be the way she handle things..
As for the money side.. They both really haf to settle by themselves.. She scare of criticism but then she still have to face it.. She bought this upon herself.. Noone can be blame.. If she really feels uncomfortable working there, quit the job..
A's thinking is very childish.. very naive... She doesn't know what she really wants or what she really need... she cant always depend on others.. must learn to be Independent...She's 22 liao.. Not young.. Her ways of thinking the concept of love n relations.. must change...
She go to move on.. and lead her own life.. She need friends like you to guide her along.. To let her what she's doing.. Well i hope things turn out to be good.. Hope they can settle it fast!!! and dun drag on anymore.. If she doesn't love herself.. noone will love her..
Cheers! -
Originally posted by SunRisE:
Eh...your posting is longer then YUn...you can be named as the Ah Ma Agony liao.
Hi Cutie,
Your Friend [b]A has been with B for 4 years.. Before B goes to NS.. is he always the bo-chap guy? Or is oni when he's in NS then seldom meet up with friends then neglect A??
When a guy goes to NS and couldn't come out often.. He will tend to grab the chance to go out with his own bunch of friends whenever he book out.. Reason being becos.. at that time most of his friends oso went army.. don't always get to gather together often... And Yes, B shouldn't neglect A too.. no matter wat still your gf.. oso dun meet up often.. Have A try talking to B about this matter?? I dunno about B how's his character like.. But all these nonsense can be avoided.. A shouldn't make a decision so fast and broke of with him.. They should have communicate with each other about the problem.. maybe who knows.. things might work out... BUt if happen that B is really those kind of bo-chap guy, then i think is better off to be single...
How long was the duration from the breakup and meeting of C in the pub?? Knowing ppl in pub.. and tot he might be the one.. is impossible.. SOme ppl goes to pub to look flings or jus one night stand.. Is jus like online thing.. who can really find true love thru internet.. very rarely.. And of cos A realised that C doesnt suit.. and she wasnt happy with him.. Worse of all.. she treated C as a substitute... If she really cannot forget about B.. take sometime to rest and get back her own life first.. b4 goin into another relationship so fast.. IT wouldnt help.. or rather it will make things worse by doin it..
I can say that A really is "jian yi ge ai yi ge".. anyone who try to chase her.. she will jus go with it.. Changing clothes or wat?? See which one will suits her more is it?? NOw that she with D for 1 year... D pamper her like a little princess.. cos b4 that.. B together with her for 4 years.. doesn;t show any care n concern to her.. A does get the good feelings that D has given.. C needless to say.. is oni a spare tyre.. A likes the way D treats her.. and that's why she chose to stay with him.. Fetch her to work.. she gets what she wanted... Now i finally agree with my bf that most girls are materialistics... This is one good example.. (sorry not to offend you or your friend).
They eVen bought a hse together... and wedding photo are all done..oh man she's oni 22!!! A doesnt wan to get tied so fast.. SHe still wants to enjoy her life... What the he|| is she thinking...
In the first place when she agrees to all this.. Its all very "Cong Dong". A thinks that she finally found that guy who can give her everything.. who can loves her more than she loves him.. But then after that she realised that her love to him wasn;t true love.. is jus someone who she can depend/rely on...
Now that she complains.. he's short and plump.. She must give up on her high heels if she were to marry that guy... She couldn't imagine if she were to live forever with this guy.. All this have becomes a routine in relationship.. She's so used to have him around.. If one day.. D and A broke up.. A would think that she has lost everything in her life.. SHe doesnt want to start everything all over again.. Searchin a new bf.. who can be like D gives her everything.. and of cos the love she had for B.. While D is 29.. He obviously wanted to find a companion to spend his life with... and i think... both of them don't know each other well.. Being as Bf or GF is different from being husband and wife.. Alot of commitment involve..
All i can tell A is that.. At least she knows that she isnt ready for a marriage.. and knows that she couldnt give those commitment in this marriage.. and SHE DUN LOVE HIM!! If she really doesnt wan this marriage.. cancel off... Talk to D about it nicely.. Even she might hurt him deeply.. This marriage shouldnt continue!!!!! If she decides to get married to someone she dun love.. in the end it will still end up in DIVORCE!! so what's the point of gettin married in the 1st place.. This is what is suggest.. but i think this should be the way she handle things..
As for the money side.. They both really haf to settle by themselves.. She scare of criticism but then she still have to face it.. She bought this upon herself.. Noone can be blame.. If she really feels uncomfortable working there, quit the job..
A's thinking is very childish.. very naive... She doesn't know what she really wants or what she really need... she cant always depend on others.. must learn to be Independent...She's 22 liao.. Not young.. Her ways of thinking the concept of love n relations.. must change...
She go to move on.. and lead her own life.. She need friends like you to guide her along.. To let her what she's doing.. Well i hope things turn out to be good.. Hope they can settle it fast!!! and dun drag on anymore.. If she doesn't love herself.. noone will love her..
Cheers! [/b]
I'll help you register your new rank. -
ahahahhaaa.... AH ma agony?? wah.. i not that old leh...Originally posted by M©+square:Eh...your posting is longer then YUn...you can be named as the Ah Ma Agony liao.
I'll help you register your new rank.
actually i dunno what i typing oso.. i jus type what's on my mind.. my wrods arent that strong too.. -
huh?? what rank? got rank one ah.. lolZZOriginally posted by M©+square:Eh...your posting is longer then YUn...you can be named as the Ah Ma Agony liao.
I'll help you register your new rank. -
You're good....at least you've given your best shot. I'm impressed and i'll have U in my To Lookout For List.Originally posted by SunRisE:ahahahhaaa.... AH ma agony?? wah.. i not that old leh...
actually i dunno what i typing oso.. i jus type what's on my mind.. my wrods arent that strong too.. -
Originally posted by M©+square:
To Lookout for LisT?? what's that?? Me not good.. not as zai as you n yun!
You're good....at least you've given your best shot. I'm impressed and i'll have U in my [b]To Lookout For List. [/b]
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is nt too late to do someting nw...
try come up wit 30 k return that guy ..money can always be earned...most important is dn yi cuo zai cuo....u continue to make mistakes, more consequeuences will occur....
since ur fren nt settle in her love life...is no use marryin ...will cause more misery one...so better stop everyting nw -
Originally posted by CuTiE~~:
Dear Cutie,
*deleted a portion because post very long*
....she finds that she is still not ready for marriage yet... she is still very younger...22 only she still have feelings for [b]B (her bf for 4 yrs) and cannot forget him she starts to wonder if she has been taking D as a substitute all along... she finds it disgraceful walking together with D cos my fren is the tall & slim kind while D is plump & shorter than her The thought of having to give up her high heel shoes makes her very sad cos my fren loves to wear high heel shoes. Being with D means she has to give up heels.. claims not to love him but have the "get-used-to-each-other" type of feeling b'cos he treats her very nice. Fetch her to work, see him everyday...
my fren want to call off the whole thing..
she brought it up to D but the first payment for their house of $30K has to go down the drain.
D but he seemed to threaten her with the situations which she will have to bear...the responsibilities & the pressure she has to face with her friends, colleagues & his family members...he demanded a full repayment of the $30k back to him should my fren chose to back out at this time...
worse thing is, she dragged the whole issue.......& eventually, even went to the bridal shop to book a wedding photo package together with him...
until yesterday, the confirmation letter on the collection of their hse key came...she finally realise that she could not avoid this...
she knows very sure that she dun love D but she dunno what to do since things have already reached this stage...
if she back out now, she will have to repay D the $30k have to face criticism from colleagues...D told her that he wun help her to cover up...if anyone asked, he will tell them the truth... (chances are, she will be bad-mouthed) she brings hurt to him.. she has to pick herself up & live a life without D...no one to pamper her anymore.. cannot face him in future cos they working in the same company..
/phew...typed so much already.............
hey pple~~ thks for enduring & finish reading........what do you all think? any advice?? [/b]
Tell for friend this: Your friend's indecisiveness will be the downfall of herself. She has been using C as a substitute - which shows her unstability in emotions and then D comes into the picture, it is very likely that she accepted D based on this unstability emotions which could likely be using him as a substitute too.
She loved the way D treated her because she is experiencing that postive aspect of having a relationships - being loved, etc. Paradoxically, a good relationship somehow requires equal amount of giving and receiving. An extreme on either side, would likely to sink the ship. (Based on stastics and experiences).
Another issue is that the guy is 29 and she is only 22 - 7 years difference. Yes, love knows no boundary, however obviously from this case, we can see that the kind of emotions and love that HE wants and SHE wants is entirely different. That guy wants to settle down and build a family, while this girl just need to be loved and family committment is still quite alien to her. Both of them have different emotional and spiritual needs - when a couple wants to settle down - they have to look at the same direction and not against one another.
I suspect the guy felt the need to get married (socially or personally), which gives him the urge and inclination to get house, etc. Reasons being after being with you gf for a year and he wants to marry her? Some people can be together for 4 years and they don't even understand their gf/bf, even more so for a-soon-to-be married couple. A year is far too short, this guy is making hasty decision.
Now the ultimate issue is being raised: She doesn't love him at all - it just because she enjoyed the feeling of the other partner showering her with love (Based on the fact that she was hurt very badly by B, obviously she has put in alot of effort or emotions in it) -and that is (or him personally) something NOT WHAT SHE WANTS.
I repeat my stand again: Her indecisivness will ruin her like catapult on stone walls. That guy mentioned that if she wants to back out, must fort out $30K - the question is: is it the decision made by him alone or the both of them? If it was purely his own wishful thinking decision, then BACKOUT, because nobody can force you to marry someone you have no love for.
However, if you were to agree upon his decisions, then it would be a hardnut to crack. My suggestion would be: Arrange to have a talk with him. Tell him that 1 years is far too short for foundation of a proper marriage. Tell him that he are not willing to settle down. If he ask why you lead him on, etc - tell him the real reason - your TRUE feelings.
You don't have to break him and escape because he tries to cage you. He is a good man - just that he is far too hasty in this decisions. My advice would be, if possible, still allow him the chance be with you.
P.S: If a couple is truly in love, does it matter whether they are married or not? Afterall, marriage is only a certificate. (You could use tell him that.)
Cheers. -
seriously, no one can help her. she better help herself. she can get out from this one but what will stop her from getting into another?
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Yunhaier ..me think u are beri gd at helping in problems =p
yah......pay back the 30k asap,but at least she no need to live wif someone she does not love and live miserably -
Oh that very sweet of you... but there are others like Sunrise, Mcsquare, Devil1976, Joho, etc who give equally good advice.Originally posted by potatoeee^^:Yunhaier ..me think u are beri gd at helping in problems =p
yah......pay back the 30k asap,but at least she no need to live wif someone she does not love and live miserably -
money can earn back ma..
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hey cutie...
rili sori 2 heard bt e situation ur fren is facing now...
seems rili stickyyy...
aniwae i tink marriage is nt some joke...
she shldnt go thru wif it...
as 4 e criticisms tt she'll face...
its inevitable....either she takes it in her stride n hopes tt it'll blow over soon...
or well...seek employment elsewhere...
hmm..good luck 2 her...hope it'll turn out 4 e best..
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De|usion... this is cool ..Originally posted by De|usi0n:..u wont die from it, neither will u live longer from it...its all in ur mind.
simple and good..
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your initial description of D portrays a caring family man. but threatened by the prospect of losing his bride, turned nasty. dunno whether he too afraid of losing the girl he loves then just say say only to scare her or what. if really he too afraid and desperate, maybe can forgive a bit lah hah?
but IF he has already habored the intention of executing his threats, then me thinks dis D guy exposed some MAJOR character flaws! Reali can stick on wif dis kind of guy meh? Cheers -
Love, is always patient and kind
It is never jealous
Love is never boastful or conceit
It is never rude nor selfish
It does not take offence
And is not resentful