how to help my fren??
-
you know wat's sometimes annoying about AA? when u come in late, and see all the LONG replies, it's so tedious to read thru them so i don't repeat wat's already mentioned, and add in things that aren't there!
but it's great how the few of us are generally sincere in helping. keep it up~!
right.. i skimmed thru all of the posts and generally agree with the consensus.
MC2, about the reselling of the flat, AFAIK, the couple has to stay married for 5 years while owning the flat. So keeping the flat while not being married is out of the question. i'm not sure, i'm sure they could clarify this with HDB.
now my comments: no one touched on D, the guy that's being "unfairly treated".if she back out now, she will have to
It seems to me that while D is a great guy, there seems to be something amiss. he may treat her well, but may not have that matured a thinking. i'm sure he knows that by forcing her to marry him for watever reason (flat, becos he loves her) isn't a very wise thing to do. from your post, it almost seems like the guy is giving her an ultimatum, "marry me or else...."
repay D the $30k have to face criticism from colleagues...D told her that he wun help her to cover up...if anyone asked, he will tell them the truth... (chances are, she will be bad-mouthed) she brings hurt to him.. she has to pick herself up & live a life without D...no one to pamper her anymore.. cannot face him in future cos they working in the same company..
now that just doesn't seem to go down right with me. of course i'm not saying that the guy, if he truly loves her, should just set her free, but forcing the issue isn't gonna help. it's not love when it has to be forced. she oviously doesn't love him in that way, and he has to accept that, and not force her to love him back. of course, i don't deny pple that get married for reasons other than love, and these pple have my utmost pity.
back to your firend, A. well like the rest, i feel that this should be a lesson learnt. WHAT she can do from now beats the hell out of me, but getting married (now) is definitely out of the question. i stand by MC2's opinion on this.
perhaps she could try the relationship somemore, but not get married yet. i do not know the financial implications of this (screw the social implications, colleagues can talk all they want) but information on that (HDB most likely) can be easily obtained. one obvious question to ask is whether the deposit could be used in the future because they do not want to get married yet.
i don't like the chances of them ever mutually loving each other, but it's not impossible. if they do decide to try again, she will have to open her heart, and i believe learning to love someone is possible. however i believe that when a break-up occurs, it's always hard, if not impossible to get it back. what with that huge deposit looming over their heads, and the heartache of a cancelled marraige, the odds just seem too skewed.
now, another point that no one has mentioned. it's about YOU cutie~!
we know u are worried sick for ur friend, and in ur retort to delusion (his nick suits him) i can see that u are offended at the insensitivity towards your friend's problem, which in turn communicates the concern you have for her. however you are not there to solve her problems, but to be her strength to carry her thru. i hope u will not attempt to rectify the sh[/i]it (for want of a better word) that she has gotten herself in, but rather to give her the strength so that she can go thru this. of course in future, you'd do well to remind her if she still has problems with getting into relationships which aren't suitable for her. (heaven forbid! she should learn her lesson by now!)
you can only do so much. she's obviously scared and depressed. if you become like her becos of her, i'm sure she'll feel worse.
best luck and wishes to her, and to you also. -
geez...thks, mc^2.........Originally posted by M©+square:Your friend has indeed made a mistake.
Not only is she not decisive....but i think it's her age-immaturity which makes her regret.
:
:
:
:
Cheers
that's wat i adviced her...follow her heart..........& dun have any regrets in future..........
seriously, she knows very well where her feelings lie...juz that she detest changes.....
she told D that she dun want to get ROM...after which she feels so sad cos she feels like she has lost everything overnight...
she is so silly as now she is having second tots of wanting to get married to D, cos she is not able to face the responsibilities she has to face if she leaves him........
she is thinking of getting married, trying it out...& if cannot, divorce...
i dunno what to say of her...........sometimes, feel like grabbing her on her shoulder & shaking her till she is awaken.........
if only i could......... -
Originally posted by M©+square:Eh...your posting is longer then YUn...you can be named as the Ah Ma Agony liao.
I'll help you register your new rank. 
-
hi sunrise............
woo.........realli appreciate all ur replies............
for analysing my fren's case together with me...
B has been a bo-chap guy all along...so after being with him for 4yrs, A could no longer take it anymore & decided to end this relationship...cos she sais she felt juz not being not attached...
she knew C in the midst of her break-up with B. She took C to irritate B..she wanted to prove to B that w/o him, she still is very popular, a lot of pple still wants to 'xian' her...
she has not rested from the relationship together with B & accepted C. but she realised her mistake on taking C as a sub.
sad to say, she dun realise her mistake fully...& not long after, D came into her picture already...
sunrise..think what you said is very true...that's what i tot too..........but i cun tell her in the face that she has done certain things wrongly.......& reprimand her...may make her feel worse...
all i can do is juz to listen to her & give her adivces...ultimately, she has to be the one making the final decision...i cun tell her what to do & teach her what to do...just hope to list down what she can do & the type of results she will face...
mm...think she is not materialistic...just that she enjoys pple to pamper & love her...
yes............she said D help her plan for everything already. Her life..., solutions to problems, teach her how to improve her life.....that's y she cun give D up too..........
but i feel she does not love D..just take him as a pillar of life only...
how can i make her realise that it is her life...she shld learn to grow & not depend on others to lead her
& she shld be strong to face whatever set backs she gets in life -
Originally posted by jOhO:now, another point that no one has mentioned. it's about YOU cutie~!
we know u are worried sick for ur friend, and in ur retort to delusion (his nick suits him) i can see that u are offended at the insensitivity towards your friend's problem, which in turn communicates the concern you have for her. however you are not there to solve her problems, but to be her strength to carry her thru. i hope u will not attempt to rectify the sh[/i]it (for want of a better word) that she has gotten herself in, but rather to give her the strength so that she can go thru this. of course in future, you'd do well to remind her if she still has problems with getting into relationships which aren't suitable for her. (heaven forbid! she should learn her lesson by now!)
you can only do so much. she's obviously scared and depressed. if you become like her becos of her, i'm sure she'll feel worse.
best luck and wishes to her, and to you also.
me~~
y i suddenly got into the picture?
thks, joho...understand what you are trying to put across.........
dun worry..........knows very well that the picture only includes my fren & D............
i shld be only there to perform the role of a fren..........to give her strength.......not solve the problem for her...
she created these...i believe she shld be old & responsible enough to clear these mess........
if you become like her becos of her, i'm sure she'll feel worse.
ermm...i dun understand what this sentence means.......
-
Originally posted by CuTiE~~:
me~~
y i suddenly got into the picture?
thks, joho...understand what you are trying to put across.........
dun worry..........knows very well that the picture only includes my fren & [b]D............
i shld be only there to perform the role of a fren..........to give her strength.......not solve the problem for her...
she created these...i believe she shld be old & responsible enough to clear these mess........
if you become like her becos of her, i'm sure she'll feel worse.
ermm...i dun understand what this sentence means....... [/b]you can only do so much. she's obviously scared and depressed. if you become like her becos of her, i'm sure she'll feel worse.
becoming like her meaning the unhappy, scared and/or depressed part, because of her problems. -
IMO this guy doesn't really love her, if she marries him now after telling him that, she sure suffer 1
-
wah, so interesting -
i@@.......Originally posted by jOhO:becoming like her meaning the unhappy, scared and/or depressed part, because of her problems. 
-
Originally posted by CuTiE~~:
See the immaturity your friends has... Using C jus to spike B.. and the reason - to let B know she's still popular among ppl..
hi sunrise............
woo.........realli appreciate all ur replies............
for analysing my fren's case together with me...
[b]B has been a bo-chap guy all along...so after being with him for 4yrs, A could no longer take it anymore & decided to end this relationship...cos she sais she felt juz not being not attached...
she knew C in the midst of her break-up with B. She took C to irritate B..she wanted to prove to B that w/o him, she still is very popular, a lot of pple still wants to 'xian' her...
she has not rested from the relationship together with B & accepted C. but she realised her mistake on taking C as a sub.
sad to say, she dun realise her mistake fully...& not long after, D came into her picture already...
sunrise..think what you said is very true...that's what i tot too..........but i cun tell her in the face that she has done certain things wrongly.......& reprimand her...may make her feel worse...
all i can do is juz to listen to her & give her adivces...ultimately, she has to be the one making the final decision...i cun tell her what to do & teach her what to do...just hope to list down what she can do & the type of results she will face...
mm...think she is not materialistic...just that she enjoys pple to pamper & love her...
yes............she said D help her plan for everything already. Her life..., solutions to problems, teach her how to improve her life.....that's y she cun give D up too..........
but i feel she does not love D..just take him as a pillar of life only...
how can i make her realise that it is her life...she shld learn to grow & not depend on others to lead her
& she shld be strong to face whatever set backs she gets in life
[/b]
*speechless*
You cant tell her what to do.. even if you say.. yes she will listen.. but will she realise how serious it would be.. No! Like you say.. she never realise her mistakes fully.. Noone can help her.. except herself.. if she dun learn from her mistakes.. FOrever she will lead her life as it is..
Pampering a person is fine.. But if given too much of it.. It will spoil her... If she and D somehow has everything settle and both back to single life.. your Friend A will look for another who will give her what D has given her.. She will ask for more.. More care.. More promises.. so on and so for...
Divorce rate still not high ah.. must add to the statistics issit?? She knows that she dun love him.. But then she has second thougts on getting married... WHy??
1) She got no courage to face ppl who critics on her.. Including D
2) She cant pay up the 30k.. OR she doesnt wan to pay 30k.. Cos if get married liao.. then if not happy Divorce lor.. then she dun need to return the 30k and she can haf her carefree life again!
3) She tells her parents about the situations.. how would they feel
4) She's too dependent on ppl.. that she always needed a companion aound...
5) Lastly, She loses everything in one shot... and she doesnt wan to start a new fresh ahead...
Getting married and divorce jus to run away from such problems.. It isnt a wise move.. Dun wan them to regret in the end... The guy will feel cheated in this way..
Cheers! -
Since things already came 2 dis stage, there's no place 4 turnin bk liao... She shd haf no eher own feelins in e 1st place mah... 22 yrs old liao shd noe how 2 committed in a serious n stable relationship mah. Shd see long term.
As 4 B, she can slowly 4get one lah... Time will heal everythin. Den she can slowly 'pei yang' feelins 4 D mah... Like ppl in e past. Matchmade together den in e end slowly developed feelins. Somemore D is not bad wat, pampers n loves her so much... -
Ask ur friend to call HDB personally and explain the whole scenario to them. They will be able to advice her on what to do next..... If she really donÂ’t want to rom with him, I personally dont think HDB will fully refund the 30k.... there should be a penalty fine.
My friend kannaÂ… divorced case, house only bough 1 yr ago (with HDB grant of 50k.) Now hdb want them to pay 50k cash back to them first. The reason is becoz when hdb approved their grant, they deposited 50k cash in their cpf account, so now they want the cash back.
So better check with HDB first if she is not willing to ROM with him..... -
Originally posted by SunRisE:
My thoughts' very much the same....
Hi Cutie,
Your Friend [b]A has been with B for 4 years.. Before B goes to NS.. is he always the bo-chap guy? Or is oni when he's in NS then seldom meet up with friends then neglect A??
When a guy goes to NS....
She go to move on.. and lead her own life.. She need friends like you to guide her along.. To let her what she's doing.. Well i hope things turn out to be good.. Hope they can settle it fast!!! and dun drag on anymore.. If she doesn't love herself.. noone will love her..
Cheers! [/b]
Cutie, if you REALLY want to help your friend out of this and she think that she deserves a 2nd chance.... You can PRIVATE MESSAGE me.... I can try to offer personal advice and 2nd opinion..... -
I know it's bad to say this. Very critical.
But i guess your friend won't wake up. Even if she had ended this 'crisis' whether married or not. She'll have a great tendency to go thru the cycle once again. Without much self-realisation...she might walk into the trap, again. Hurting herself and all her love ones.
If it's possible, she might seek counselling from professionals to help her release herself from the bondage of her cycle.
I have a male friend who falls into this cycle,
it's sad to see him hurting himself more and more in the end.
Other Alternative is uncle Devil1976 liao.
Cheers. -
Originally posted by Devil1976:My thoughts' very much the same....
Cutie, if you REALLY want to help your friend out of this and she think that she deserves a 2nd chance.... You can PRIVATE MESSAGE me.... I can try to offer personal advice and 2nd opinion.....
thks neh.........
think the situation is really getting out of hand......
but still, i believe everyone has a second chance........
sad to say.......i dunno what D is thinking.......
yes indeed, my fren is at fault for playing him out.........but then, D seems to be threatening my fren....... demanding her to pay up the 30k telling her that his family members esp his dad will make a trip to her hse to talk it out with her mum he will bad mouth her in office, making known to the whole world that she dumped him telling her that y cun she have more foresight.........she back out now, she will lose 30k instantly..if otherwise, they can still sell the hse later & make a profit out of it telling her that it's her responsibility for such an outcome & she has to ans to his family members for it.......
obviously, there will not be happiness if my fren marries him......
forcing someone will not create bliss.......her heart is even not with him.......he knows very well where he stands in her heart..but feels it's funny to resort to these means.......
therefore, these further adds on to my fren's uncertainty........
see my fren, like very chiam like that.........really sympathize with her........ -
Originally posted by M©+square:I know it's bad to say this. Very critical.
But i guess your friend won't wake up. Even if she had ended this 'crisis' whether married or not. She'll have a great tendency to go thru the cycle once again. Without much self-realisation...she might walk into the trap, again. Hurting herself and all her love ones.
If it's possible, she might seek counselling from professionals to help her release herself from the bondage of her cycle.
I have a male friend who falls into this cycle,
it's sad to see him hurting himself more and more in the end.
Other Alternative is uncle Devil1976 liao.
Cheers. huh.......so serious one ah
dun scare me sia.........
ur fren now oki liaoz? -
Originally posted by CuTiE~~:
It's pretty OBVIOUS for now... Whatever's the reason for D to behave in this way (whether his nature or your friend's inappropriate & perhaps in a way irresponsible decision), like MANY have agreed here... It's really NOT a smart move to continue with the marriage for now.... thks neh.........
think the situation is really getting out of hand......
but still, i believe everyone has a second chance........
sad to say.......i dunno what [b]D is thinking.......
yes indeed, my fren is at fault for playing him out.........but then, D seems to be threatening my fren....... demanding her to pay up the 30k telling her that his family members esp his dad will make a trip to her hse to talk it out with her mum he will bad mouth her in office, making known to the whole world that she dumped him telling her that y cun she have more foresight.........she back out now, she will lose 30k instantly..if otherwise, they can still sell the hse later & make a profit out of it telling her that it's her responsibility for such an outcome & she has to ans to his family members for it.......
obviously, there will not be happiness if my fren marries him......
forcing someone will not create bliss.......her heart is even not with him.......he knows very well where he stands in her heart..but feels it's funny to resort to these means.......
therefore, these further adds on to my fren's uncertainty........
see my fren, like very chiam like that.........really sympathize with her........ [/b]
Whatever's the consequences, she've just got to face as she've already carried things this far.... It's time she understand that she have to be responsible for the troubles she've caused somehow...? And this is just the way you learn through life..... If you put yourself in D's shoes, you would probably see that things ain't any easier for him too....
There're things which we can try which MIGHT smoothen things a bit BUT complicated the process may be.... There're alot of people who are experiencing WORSE.... Things they're not really liable for.... Your friend... Can be considered a 'lucky one'....? -
follow ur heart, but us your head, it is there for a reason.
-
In fact I think the POST in this thread are giving ALOT of GOOD INSIGHTs and ANALYSIS... So much so that I'm pretty IMPRESSED myself...?Originally posted by CuTiE~~: huh.......so serious one ah
dun scare me sia.........
ur fren now oki liaoz?
But REMEMBER this... As much as we wanna help you get your friend out of this misery.... We CANNOT much change the FACT of the DAMAGE she've done with her own hands....
~good luck... -
now i have decided to wash my hands off her le liaoz........Originally posted by Devil1976:In fact I think the POST in this thread are giving ALOT of GOOD INSIGHTs and ANALYSIS... So much so that I'm pretty IMPRESSED myself...?
But REMEMBER this... As much as we wanna help you get your friend out of this misery.... We CANNOT much change the FACT of the DAMAGE she've done with her own hands....
~good luck...
yesterday met her...........she was together with D.....one min say wants to leave him, one min i see another different outcome......
whatever it is, i will wish her all the best for whatever actions & decisions that she would take.........
it's her life.........i cannot care much too~
deep down, i know i have done all that i could as a fren.......the rest is up to her.....
still, would like to thank each & everyone of u here who have spent your precious time reading & posting these long long postings......
indeed, gained a lot of INSIGHTS.........perhaps, teach me how to tackle problems i face myself in future......?
cheers~ -
well u've done ur part as a friend. kudos to you, and... you're welcomed!
-
Hmm....Originally posted by gasband:follow ur heart, but us your head, it is there for a reason. -
-
my views:
From the story above, it has not strongly highlight any evidence that the girl, A likes D. The feeling that A has is only a natural reaction when a guy knows very well how to dote the other party. Every girl likes this kind of feeling of blissfulness.
Most of the time, the person you love are not that one who would choose you; likewise, the person who love you are not the one you would choose to live with. However, the person whom you finally choose to be with (marriage), is neither the one you love very much nor the one who loves you very much. He is just the most suitable one who appear in your life at that particular time in your life.
I truly agree very much to this... folks, just give it a thought. I find it's quite true.
I'm truly happy and still blissful in a relationship and celebrating my 3rd anniversary this year with someone 9 years older than me.
There was a time when I almost sign up for a HDB, and that particular night, then I felt that I'm all along not ready for marriage (not because I don't like him, but cos I'm just not at all ready for marriage) and he understands and never give me pressure from then...
I'm so blessed with his understanding at that time. -
Uhuh... but 3 yrs relation liao... he even pop da marriage stuff... U not ready yet... I not gonna spoil anything here... so U be glad he give U time to tink thru... Maybe its still early for U to make such an important decision...Originally posted by lavender_scent:my views:
From the story above, it has not strongly highlight any evidence that the girl, A likes D. The feeling that A has is only a natural reaction when a guy knows very well how to dote the other party. Every girl likes this kind of feeling of blissfulness.
Most of the time, the person you love are not that one who would choose you; likewise, the person who love you are not the one you would choose to live with. However, the person whom you finally choose to be with (marriage), is neither the one you love very much nor the one who loves you very much. He is just the most suitable one who appear in your life at that particular time in your life.
I truly agree very much to this... folks, just give it a thought. I find it's quite true.
I'm truly happy and still blissful in a relationship and celebrating my 3rd anniversary this year with someone 9 years older than me.
There was a time when I almost sign up for a HDB, and that particular night, then I felt that I'm all along not ready for marriage (not because I don't like him, but cos I'm just not at all ready for marriage) and he understands and never give me pressure from then...
I'm so blessed with his understanding at that time.