Imagine, this little innocent boy at the tender age of 10.
His mother, as far as he can remember used to be very caring and loving. A perfect model mother. However, that year, his mother contracted 3rd stage nose cancer and somehow, she became physically violent. At the boy age of 10, he remembered being pinched with the sharp nail of her. Being a little boy he is unable to defend himself and was really badly hurt. Both physically and emotionally.
He remembered that on a Sunday when he is still seeking primary school education, he had this little privilege of having an outdoor meal at a coffee shop every Sunday. That particular Sunday, he saw his mother ordered his favourite dimsum - Siew Mai and was very tempted to have one. Without thinking, he took his pair of chopsticks and attempted to take one, however his very own biological mother shoved his chopsticks away and said a sentence in mandarin that he will remember in his remaining part of his life journey, "Everyone else is entitled to have one, except you". This left a deep scar in him. He had this impression that his biological mother did it on purpose and his mother really hates him.
Much more bad memories are engraved in his mind with one being his mother throwing a chair at him.
In his secondary school life journey, he again went out with his family to a famous food store to have dinner in a particular Sunday. That day, he forgotten what he had done which made his mother angry but he remembered his mother mentioning in mandarin 'I will not acknowledge you as a son, I did not raised a bastard like you!' By that sentence, he was devastated. Of course, his dad defended him by complaining this to his grandma. (Mother side)
Somehow, this guy realised that he is very poor when it comes to teamwork. He didn't knew how to interact with people when he attempted to do that, people claimed that he is very bossy and reluctant to share, selfish. But he is not, he really just do not know how to interact with people. When it comes to group work he usually solo the entire project. He does not trust anyone, because of the scar that constantly lingers in his mind.
He grew hatred towards his mother. Blamed his mother for causing him to grow up with this sad story. Almost on a daily basis, he screamed at his mother that she is a despicable evil bitch and somehow he felt guilty but he couldn't control himself not to say such hurting words. He believed that he said such a sentence was because he wanted his mother to experience what her child she hated had gone through.
He purposely did things to make his mother jealous, in the year 2009, he made a very special designed mug to his grandma on his grandma birthday. Recently, he used his own savings to purchase a phone for his grandma on his birthday but he never gave any thing to his biological mother.
But today, he got very angry and said a lot of hurtful words. Lots of it.
Surprisingly, he saw tear ran down from his mother cheeks with his few accusing statements. He felt sad and guilty but he couldn't control himself. He continues to ignite guilt in his mother, making more and more accusing statements to let her understand this is how she had treated him when he was younger. But as he vents his stress, his level of guiltiness rises. And this happens almost every time when he is stressed and upset. But today, he felt extremely miserable.
Are there, any words or statements you could advise this Secondary three student on how he should react, how he should face his future? He lost his sense of direction towards life.
He will definitely appreciate all advise given.
Perhaps its now to forgive and forget. Yes she is wrong for abusing this kid. But well, it happened during the lowest point in her life. So its not her fault also
why not let women charter resolve all these problems since it is so well protected by the government?
i hope you can embrace and find comfort in a religion to guide you through this difficult time.
Learn to let go
She change because she think she may not live longer cause is 3rd stage nose cancer. As she doting her boy so much, she don't want her son feel sad and missing her when she's not around. By being a bad mother, the son can more easy to forget her. Who know the pain of the mother...
The worst crime in the world is to destroy one's self esteem. Unfortunately there is no law covering it. So this crime goes unaddressed.
There is nothing the boy can do, as the damage has already been done.
But he can direct the course of his future.
Firstly he should abandon and stop all thoughts about his mother. i.e. his mother does not exist. This is easily done if the thoughts are replaced by other thoughts. He should concentrate on his vocation, whatever it is. His thoughts should be about his vocation, and endeavour to be the best at at.
Thinking about his mother would upset him and affect all other aspect of his life.
Later when he is able, he can forgive his mother. No such thing as forgive and forget, but still remembers but forgiven.
To be brutally honest (none of the "but it's our right" crap), most parents in the history of humanity have done a sub-par job of raising their children. These people are merely following their natural instincts to procreate, without realizing the sheer difficulty and complexity of such an endeavour. Civilization has advanced by ridiculous amounts in the past few millennia, but we're still very much animal in thinking.
In your situation, since everything has already happened, the only option you have is to look forward. Find another outlet for your stress (possibly heavy exercise), and most importantly, know that the burden is on you to ensure that none of what happened to you is repeated.
Every human being worth a damn in history has gone up against immense odds and lived through it, gaining strength and wisdom from adversity. Let that be an example for you.
Originally posted by user@user:She change because she think she may not live longer cause is 3rd stage nose cancer. As she doting her boy so much, she don't want her son feel sad and missing her when she's not around. By being a bad mother, the son can more easy to forget her. Who know the pain of the mother...
how true
Billamax,
You are indeed a very very selfish kid. And don't blame your mother for what you have become. Your selfish and revengeful behaviour are deeply ingrained in your DNA.
Your mother wasn't the reason why you are what you are today. While she can influence you, she has absolutely no control over your personal choices in life.
Do you feel good when you hurt your mother ? DO you feel powerful and vindicated when you purposely do hurtful things to take your revenge on your mother ? I bet you don't, infact you only get back more misery.
Sure, you claim you just want her to feel how you feel when she hurts you.
But let me ask you, can you understand what she has to go through ? To have to deal with cancer AND raise a difficult kid? No you can't, because all you care about is yourself.
Ask yourself, when you were young, were you a easy kid to raise ? I bet you are not. But look at your postings, you can only remember what your mom did, but you cannot even remember what you did that leads to your mom being mad at you ????? I bet you've been a really nasty kid too.
Your mother is sick, yet all you can remember of her are the horrid things she did to you. You held on to all the bad and forgotten all the good.
Do you want people around you to do the same to you ?
Nobody is perfect, you too will make mistakes in your life. Bad choices you will not be proud of. Do you want everyone to only remember what a shitty person you are , and forget the kindness and the friendship you offered ? Ofcors not.
Now do unto others what you want others to do unto you.
YOU need to take responsibility for your own action !!!
So get a grip and stop the hatred. There's nothing to gain from hating your own mother.
She cried not because your word hurt her feelings.
She cried because she knows her time is short.. and she will die knowing her own child hates her.
The most excruciating pain you will be inflicting on her is when she is on her death bed. You should be so proud of yourself eh.
Originally posted by jojobeach:Billamax,
You are indeed a very very selfish kid. And don't blame your mother for what you have become. Your selfish and revengeful behaviour are deeply ingrained in your DNA.
Your mother wasn't the reason why you are what you are today. While she can influence you, she has absolutely no control over your personal choices in life.
Do you feel good when you hurt your mother ? DO you feel powerful and vindicated when you purposely do hurtful things to take your revenge on your mother ? I bet you don't, infact you only get back more misery.
Sure, you claim you just want her to feel how you feel when she hurts you.
But let me ask you, can you understand what she has to go through ? To have to deal with cancer AND raise a difficult kid? No you can't, because all you care about is yourself.
Ask yourself, when you were young, were you a easy kid to raise ? I bet you are not. But look at your postings, you can only remember what your mom did, but you cannot even remember what you did that leads to your mom being mad at you ????? I bet you've been a really nasty kid too.
Your mother is sick, yet all you can remember of her are the horrid things she did to you. You held on to all the bad and forgotten all the good.
Do you want people around you to do the same to you ?
Nobody is perfect, you too will make mistakes in your life. Bad choices you will not be proud of. Do you want everyone to only remember what a shitty person you are , and forget the kindness and the friendship you offered ? Ofcors not.
Now do unto others what you want others to do unto you.
YOU need to take responsibility for your own action !!!
So get a grip and stop the hatred. There's nothing to gain from hating your own mother.
She cried not because your word hurt her feelings.
She cried because she knows her time is short.. and she will die knowing her own child hates her.
The most excruciating pain you will be inflicting on her is when she is on her death bed. You should be so proud of yourself eh.
one-sided bias against a child just because the other person is a parent. typical of folks who judge based on convention without any empathy whatsoever on how the child feels.
a child is helpless and vulnerable. any human being has the potential to become great in life. it is cruel if the person who had a part in destroying your self-esteem is the one whom you are borne to and trust completely. when the parent whom a child trust completely abuses and hurts him, how can he trust anyone else after this ? he will always be guarded against people, hence affecting his ability to form relationships with others. and we all know success in life depends much on one's ability to relate to others.
duplicate post
Originally posted by mancha:The worst crime in the world is to destroy one's self esteem. Unfortunately there is no law covering it. So this crime goes unaddressed.
There is nothing the boy can do, as the damage has already been done.
But he can direct the course of his future.
Firstly he should abandon and stop all thoughts about his mother. i.e. his mother does not exist. This is easily done if the thoughts are replaced by other thoughts. He should concentrate on his vocation, whatever it is. His thoughts should be about his vocation, and endeavour to be the best at at.
Thinking about his mother would upset him and affect all other aspect of his life.
Later when he is able, he can forgive his mother. No such thing as forgive and forget, but still remembers but forgiven.
i agree with you.
don't let his thoughts linger on the cause of his suffering i.e. his mother and what happened. otherwise his thoughts will be full of negativity and that doesn't help him. move on. develop himself, his work, interests, life.
focusing on his mother reminds him of everything that didn't work, of all that should not have happened, and that makes him more sad and angry. some day down the road, perhaps the knot will untie itself.. at the moment, don't let it suffocate him because he needs all the energy to chiong for his future. don't let the past and the bad stuff distract him, put him down and sap his energy.
focus his mind on the right things. don't even force himself to forgive her if he can't do it now. key is, don't let the mind dwell on her.
Originally posted by jojobeach:Billamax,
You are indeed a very very selfish kid. And don't blame your mother for what you have become. Your selfish and revengeful behaviour are deeply ingrained in your DNA.
Your mother wasn't the reason why you are what you are today. While she can influence you, she has absolutely no control over your personal choices in life.
Do you feel good when you hurt your mother ? DO you feel powerful and vindicated when you purposely do hurtful things to take your revenge on your mother ? I bet you don't, infact you only get back more misery.
Sure, you claim you just want her to feel how you feel when she hurts you.
But let me ask you, can you understand what she has to go through ? To have to deal with cancer AND raise a difficult kid? No you can't, because all you care about is yourself.
Ask yourself, when you were young, were you a easy kid to raise ? I bet you are not. But look at your postings, you can only remember what your mom did, but you cannot even remember what you did that leads to your mom being mad at you ????? I bet you've been a really nasty kid too.
Your mother is sick, yet all you can remember of her are the horrid things she did to you. You held on to all the bad and forgotten all the good.
Do you want people around you to do the same to you ?
Nobody is perfect, you too will make mistakes in your life. Bad choices you will not be proud of. Do you want everyone to only remember what a shitty person you are , and forget the kindness and the friendship you offered ? Ofcors not.
Now do unto others what you want others to do unto you.
YOU need to take responsibility for your own action !!!
So get a grip and stop the hatred. There's nothing to gain from hating your own mother.
She cried not because your word hurt her feelings.
She cried because she knows her time is short.. and she will die knowing her own child hates her.
The most excruciating pain you will be inflicting on her is when she is on her death bed. You should be so proud of yourself eh.
Hurh.....i think he is too young....Sec 3 that is about 15yrs.
throwing more guilt into feeling maternal rejection doesn't help in this confusing age.
i think the damage has been done....basically the Say "Boy" is going to growth up much faster than his school friends.
No point telling the kids to forgive because he doesn't have the ability to cop with the emotion. There are neuro consideration at this age. Unrealistics to "expect" a 15 yrs old to take on adult decision.
Suggest to get some school counselling program to adjust even move out of the family stay with relative. In the hope that the boy will derive some kind of realization and find peace within himself to move forward.
This situation is really more common than we think or read about, especially in many other countries, where the law is less strict. If we look purely on the surface of things, we'll just be viewing and judging the mother and child, simply based on their current positions, roles and circumstances. But truth is, the connection between them goes far deeper than what people in general can see/tell from this lifetime. :)
The current situation is a life lesson that both mother and child need to go through and learn from, and they cannot avoid it, painful as it may seem now. It's unlikely to be resolved in a short period of time.
For a start, the mother needs to learn that she is hurting her child to vent her anger and frustrations from her illness, and has to change her current behaviour. Though there are other complex subconscious issues between her and her child, which she is not aware of, and is 'controlling' her actions, she still needs to put in great effort to overcome them, and not hurt her child. Ideally, if she can understand the true process of Life/Death, she will not be so fearful and angry at her inevitable premature death, and live her remaining life positively, and not negatively, as she is doing now.
As for her child, he needs to be mentally strong enough to endure this temporary period, and learn to forgive his mother, after her death in future. And he needs to learn to put this whole episode behind him, and ensure that it does not affect his own personality and family life negatively in future. This is the really tough part, that he somehow needs to be able to do, else he will just be continuing the 'chain of negativity', in addition to ruining his own happiness.
Such 'chains of negativity' are around us all the time, if people know how to see. It just needs at least 1 person in that chain to be awakened enough to understand what is happening, and be strong enough to break it, then the pattern will change permanently for the positive. Else the 'chain of negativity' simply continues on and on, endlessly, ruining more people's lives.
Rainbow Jigsaw of Life
Such is Life....Lives and Learned.
the kid got a head start.....
Originally posted by BillaMax:Imagine, this little innocent boy at the tender age of 10.
His mother, as far as he can remember used to be very caring and loving. A perfect model mother. However, that year, his mother contracted 3rd stage nose cancer and somehow, she became physically violent. At the boy age of 10, he remembered being pinched with the sharp nail of her. Being a little boy he is unable to defend himself and was really badly hurt. Both physically and emotionally.
He remembered that on a Sunday when he is still seeking primary school education, he had this little privilege of having an outdoor meal at a coffee shop every Sunday. That particular Sunday, he saw his mother ordered his favourite dimsum - Siew Mai and was very tempted to have one. Without thinking, he took his pair of chopsticks and attempted to take one, however his very own biological mother shoved his chopsticks away and said a sentence in mandarin that he will remember in his remaining part of his life journey, "Everyone else is entitled to have one, except you". This left a deep scar in him. He had this impression that his biological mother did it on purpose and his mother really hates him.
Much more bad memories are engraved in his mind with one being his mother throwing a chair at him.
In his secondary school life journey, he again went out with his family to a famous food store to have dinner in a particular Sunday. That day, he forgotten what he had done which made his mother angry but he remembered his mother mentioning in mandarin 'I will not acknowledge you as a son, I did not raised a bastard like you!' By that sentence, he was devastated. Of course, his dad defended him by complaining this to his grandma. (Mother side)
Somehow, this guy realised that he is very poor when it comes to teamwork. He didn't knew how to interact with people when he attempted to do that, people claimed that he is very bossy and reluctant to share, selfish. But he is not, he really just do not know how to interact with people. When it comes to group work he usually solo the entire project. He does not trust anyone, because of the scar that constantly lingers in his mind.
He grew hatred towards his mother. Blamed his mother for causing him to grow up with this sad story. Almost on a daily basis, he screamed at his mother that she is a despicable evil bitch and somehow he felt guilty but he couldn't control himself not to say such hurting words. He believed that he said such a sentence was because he wanted his mother to experience what her child she hated had gone through.
He purposely did things to make his mother jealous, in the year 2009, he made a very special designed mug to his grandma on his grandma birthday. Recently, he used his own savings to purchase a phone for his grandma on his birthday but he never gave any thing to his biological mother.
But today, he got very angry and said a lot of hurtful words. Lots of it.
Surprisingly, he saw tear ran down from his mother cheeks with his few accusing statements. He felt sad and guilty but he couldn't control himself. He continues to ignite guilt in his mother, making more and more accusing statements to let her understand this is how she had treated him when he was younger. But as he vents his stress, his level of guiltiness rises. And this happens almost every time when he is stressed and upset. But today, he felt extremely miserable.
Are there, any words or statements you could advise this Secondary three student on how he should react, how he should face his future? He lost his sense of direction towards life.
He will definitely appreciate all advise given.
...did he ever ask his mother for the reason of such a treatment? I'm very sure once the reason has been told, he will bear no more grudge towards his mother.
Aiyoh, why you so sensitive wan? My father once was so unhappy with me failing my exam that he said that he should have sold me to other people when I was a baby. So waht lah? When parents are stress they say a lot of garbage wan. Until now, when I got chance I still go back home to eat family dinner. No grudges.
Originally posted by Rainbow Jigsaw:And he needs to learn to put this whole episode behind him, and ensure that it does not affect his own personality and family life negatively in future. This is the really tough part, that he somehow needs to be able to do, else he will just be continuing the 'chain of negativity', in addition to ruining his own happiness.Such 'chains of negativity' are around us all the time, if people know how to see. It just needs at least 1 person in that chain to be awakened enough to understand what is happening, and be strong enough to break it, then the pattern will change permanently for the positive. Else the 'chain of negativity' simply continues on and on, endlessly, ruining more people's lives.
This section explains part of my earlier post in greater detail.
Like some have said above, the experience the boy has had puts him in front of people of the same age in terms of maturity. Shit happens - you can either give in and let it affect you negatively, or use it to your advantage.
well done
create 1 post in 1 thread and died
Is the TS talking about himself?
Originally posted by S.H.:This section explains part of my earlier post in greater detail.
Like some have said above, the experience the boy has had puts him in front of people of the same age in terms of maturity. Shit happens - you can either give in and let it affect you negatively, or use it to your advantage.
“The basic difference between an ordinary man and a warrior is that a warrior takes everything as a challenge while an ordinary man takes everything either as a blessing or a curse” - Carlos Casteneda
Many parents cause their families to be dysfunctional, because of their own unhealed past childhood traumas or problems that were carried over to their present. That's why I feel it's so important that everyone should ensure they have healed themselves of any inner conflicts or issues, before starting their own families, else they can end up ruining their children's lives. Many people seem to rush into starting families, without being ready to take on the great responsibility of taking good care of their children.
Rainbow Jigsaw of Life
Originally posted by Arapahoe:Hurh.....i think he is too young....Sec 3 that is about 15yrs.
throwing more guilt into feeling maternal rejection doesn't help in this confusing age.
C'mon lor. Don't underestimate him lah. A 15 year old already knows what is right and wrong.
So, please stop treating him like a young child ok?
What he is doing is wrong, that's why he feels guilt.
Sure he wants to punish his own mother, but till wat end ?
What he is doing is repeating what his own mother has done to him. What good does that do ?
Is she still abusive towards him to date ? If she is not, then we all know he is just being malicious, so please don try to justify that with being ignorant.