Unforgetable trauma...
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Originally posted by jojobeach:
C'mon lor. Don't underestimate him lah. A 15 year old already knows what is right and wrong.
So, please stop treating him like a young child ok?
What he is doing is wrong, that's why he feels guilt.
Sure he wants to punish his own mother, but till wat end ?
What he is doing is repeating what his own mother has done to him. What good does that do ?
Is she still abusive towards him to date ? If she is not, then we all know he is just being malicious, so please don try to justify that with being ignorant.
my view is that at the stage of their relationship there should not even be a moral judgement tagged on both the mother nor the son.i am sure both have guilt and emotional stress over what "life" is throwing at them.
Even if i walk thru your point and he recognized what he did was wrong and appologizes etc....relation between son and maternal runs deep. at 15 he is still going to feel the maternal distancing thats not going away.
Is one thing to need the kids to growth up and mature super duper fast and recognized and accept "Mommy" is going to kick the bucket 15 or not.... just that there are better way to manage relationship at this point forward.
Managing anger and emotion can be a "bitch" at times.
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He really thank all of you for this unpredicted favourable respond.
But till now, he just do not know why is he having such a character, a revengeful malicious character to hurt his mother.
He knew that it is wrong, he doesn't wish to do it but he just find that sometime he is unable to control himself.
He will definately appreciate all advice given.
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Even though you verbally recognise all that anger your mentioning of guilt suggests that you do not allow yourself to recognise(fully feel) all that anger towards your mother for those few things shes done against you. And your disowning of that anger shows up in little ways and wrecks havoc in your life
You need to understand that negative emotions are not immoral; they simply reflect the appraisal of what you think at that time. You need to know Its ok to feel enormous rage towards your mother as long as you don't act on it. Even though you mentioned all these events with such clarity, you have not fully emotionally confronted them yet(further evidenced by your desciption from a third person's point of view like describing a maths problem, as if trying to distance yourself emotionally), and that would be quite an undertaking and require a competent therapist.
to the extent that you don't though, you'll be stuck with those problems and never psychologically individuate into an adult.
P.S. finding a competent therapist in sg may be hard. THey are mostly fools indoctrinated with CBT techniques and cant solve anything outside of what they memorized in textbooks
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people seem to judge anger like it is a sin. the fact is that anger is a response. response to abuse and hurt like this case. because the aggressor is a mother, she is a saint - always will be due to the untouchable position of a parent in society. the victim (child), on the other hand, is condemned as a sinner and devil due to his response in anger, which is perhaps the only way he knows how to let go of his emotions at this age.
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Originally posted by BillaMax:
He really thank all of you for this unpredicted favourable respond.
But till now, he just do not know why is he having such a character, a revengeful malicious character to hurt his mother.
He knew that it is wrong, he doesn't wish to do it but he just find that sometime he is unable to control himself.
He will definately appreciate all advice given.
There is a core in a person. Call it soul, consciousness, ego, self, id, spirit or whatever according to your belief or learning. This core is hurt.
People are always seeking appeasement for themselves. They want joy and avoid pain. They want comfort, fairness, and satisfaction. They want.
When they are hurt, the appeasement factor kicks in and they want to inflict the same to the party responsible for it. "You hurt me, I want to hurt you back in return." This is not unusual, it is infact normal.
What is the hurt? Obviously, it is not the flesh and bones hurt. but the feelings. Trying to discover what is the hurt would help in overcoming this problem.
Hurt! What? < Ego, pride, reputation, ambition, ??>
Then ask is the course of action a correct or appropriate one for the hurt.
Sometimes iIts easy to accept the hurt if it is just the pride, and not the reputation.
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Originally posted by BillaMax:
Imagine, this little innocent boy at the tender age of 10.
His mother, as far as he can remember used to be very caring and loving. A perfect model mother. However, that year, his mother contracted 3rd stage nose cancer and somehow, she became physically violent. At the boy age of 10, he remembered being pinched with the sharp nail of her. Being a little boy he is unable to defend himself and was really badly hurt. Both physically and emotionally.
He remembered that on a Sunday when he is still seeking primary school education, he had this little privilege of having an outdoor meal at a coffee shop every Sunday. That particular Sunday, he saw his mother ordered his favourite dimsum - Siew Mai and was very tempted to have one. Without thinking, he took his pair of chopsticks and attempted to take one, however his very own biological mother shoved his chopsticks away and said a sentence in mandarin that he will remember in his remaining part of his life journey, "Everyone else is entitled to have one, except you". This left a deep scar in him. He had this impression that his biological mother did it on purpose and his mother really hates him.
Much more bad memories are engraved in his mind with one being his mother throwing a chair at him.
In his secondary school life journey, he again went out with his family to a famous food store to have dinner in a particular Sunday. That day, he forgotten what he had done which made his mother angry but he remembered his mother mentioning in mandarin 'I will not acknowledge you as a son, I did not raised a bastard like you!' By that sentence, he was devastated. Of course, his dad defended him by complaining this to his grandma. (Mother side)
Somehow, this guy realised that he is very poor when it comes to teamwork. He didn't knew how to interact with people when he attempted to do that, people claimed that he is very bossy and reluctant to share, selfish. But he is not, he really just do not know how to interact with people. When it comes to group work he usually solo the entire project. He does not trust anyone, because of the scar that constantly lingers in his mind.
He grew hatred towards his mother. Blamed his mother for causing him to grow up with this sad story. Almost on a daily basis, he screamed at his mother that she is a despicable evil bitch and somehow he felt guilty but he couldn't control himself not to say such hurting words. He believed that he said such a sentence was because he wanted his mother to experience what her child she hated had gone through.
He purposely did things to make his mother jealous, in the year 2009, he made a very special designed mug to his grandma on his grandma birthday. Recently, he used his own savings to purchase a phone for his grandma on his birthday but he never gave any thing to his biological mother.
But today, he got very angry and said a lot of hurtful words. Lots of it.
Surprisingly, he saw tear ran down from his mother cheeks with his few accusing statements. He felt sad and guilty but he couldn't control himself. He continues to ignite guilt in his mother, making more and more accusing statements to let her understand this is how she had treated him when he was younger. But as he vents his stress, his level of guiltiness rises. And this happens almost every time when he is stressed and upset. But today, he felt extremely miserable.
Are there, any words or statements you could advise this Secondary three student on how he should react, how he should face his future? He lost his sense of direction towards life.
He will definitely appreciate all advise given.
WAIT A MINUTE.....................you mean to tell me the boy's mother is still ALIVE ???!!!
is it just me or is this story full of holes ???
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Originally posted by Asromanista2001:
WAIT A MINUTE.....................you mean to tell me the boy's mother is still ALIVE ???!!!
is it just me or is this story full of holes ???
Indeed, his mother is still kicking and had grown out of cancer which she contracted in the year 2003 ~ 2004.
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Originally posted by BillaMax:
Imagine, this little innocent boy at the tender age of 10.
His mother, as far as he can remember used to be very caring and loving. A perfect model mother. However, that year, his mother contracted 3rd stage nose cancer and somehow, she became physically violent. At the boy age of 10, he remembered being pinched with the sharp nail of her. Being a little boy he is unable to defend himself and was really badly hurt. Both physically and emotionally.
He remembered that on a Sunday when he is still seeking primary school education, he had this little privilege of having an outdoor meal at a coffee shop every Sunday. That particular Sunday, he saw his mother ordered his favourite dimsum - Siew Mai and was very tempted to have one. Without thinking, he took his pair of chopsticks and attempted to take one, however his very own biological mother shoved his chopsticks away and said a sentence in mandarin that he will remember in his remaining part of his life journey, "Everyone else is entitled to have one, except you". This left a deep scar in him. He had this impression that his biological mother did it on purpose and his mother really hates him.
Much more bad memories are engraved in his mind with one being his mother throwing a chair at him.
In his secondary school life journey, he again went out with his family to a famous food store to have dinner in a particular Sunday. That day, he forgotten what he had done which made his mother angry but he remembered his mother mentioning in mandarin 'I will not acknowledge you as a son, I did not raised a bastard like you!' By that sentence, he was devastated. Of course, his dad defended him by complaining this to his grandma. (Mother side)
Somehow, this guy realised that he is very poor when it comes to teamwork. He didn't knew how to interact with people when he attempted to do that, people claimed that he is very bossy and reluctant to share, selfish. But he is not, he really just do not know how to interact with people. When it comes to group work he usually solo the entire project. He does not trust anyone, because of the scar that constantly lingers in his mind.
He grew hatred towards his mother. Blamed his mother for causing him to grow up with this sad story. Almost on a daily basis, he screamed at his mother that she is a despicable evil bitch and somehow he felt guilty but he couldn't control himself not to say such hurting words. He believed that he said such a sentence was because he wanted his mother to experience what her child she hated had gone through.
He purposely did things to make his mother jealous, in the year 2009, he made a very special designed mug to his grandma on his grandma birthday. Recently, he used his own savings to purchase a phone for his grandma on his birthday but he never gave any thing to his biological mother.
But today, he got very angry and said a lot of hurtful words. Lots of it.
Surprisingly, he saw tear ran down from his mother cheeks with his few accusing statements. He felt sad and guilty but he couldn't control himself. He continues to ignite guilt in his mother, making more and more accusing statements to let her understand this is how she had treated him when he was younger. But as he vents his stress, his level of guiltiness rises. And this happens almost every time when he is stressed and upset. But today, he felt extremely miserable.
Are there, any words or statements you could advise this Secondary three student on how he should react, how he should face his future? He lost his sense of direction towards life.
He will definitely appreciate all advise given.
Ask him to watch this http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pw6_VXPwm6UI love Youtube!
Vent and release all anger, pain, anguish, humiliation, depression out of your heart for as long as you need.
Once everything is out, you will automatically find peace within yourself and love for you Mother.
It's just like a sick vomitting child, all you need is to vomit out everything and the child will gradually recovers back to good health.
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Originally posted by mancha:
But he can direct the course of his future.
Firstly he should abandon and stop all thoughts about his mother. i.e. his mother does not exist. This is easily done if the thoughts are replaced by other thoughts. He should concentrate on his vocation, whatever it is. His thoughts should be about his vocation, and endeavour to be the best at it.
Thinking about his mother would upset him and affect all other aspect of his life.
Later when he is able, he can forgive his mother. No such thing as forgive and forget, but still remembers but forgiven.
dear billamax,
this is easily the best advice here.
rather than waste time on feeling damaged, devote ur energy to becoming a better, stronger person.
at some point u need to decide.
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His mom shed tears after his outbursts at her. Shows that she still have feelings for him otherwise she wouldn't have cried at all.
He should put aside his anger and apologise to his mother for making those hurtful remarks and use this opportunity to find out what caused the sudden change in his mother ever since she was diagnosed with cancer. Hopefully whatever grievances/misunderstanding can be resolved.
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what is TS's dad doing?Naturally he should have done something to reconcliate the mom and TS, he should realised that TS and mum still have feelings for each other after all..
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Perharps...just maybe...your mother did those things to you to make love her less. BUT WHY?
3rd stage cancer is rather serious. Perharps she was preparing for the worst? That way if she made you love her less by doing hurtful things, you wouldn't miss her much if she "goes"..................and move on with life...
Every tried explaining about life and death to a child using words? They wouldn't understand so action is the next best thing??? Maybe...just maybe...
Of cause this is just a possibility. I'm not defending your mother but maybe...just maybe...............................
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Surprisingly, he saw tear ran down from his mother cheeks with his few accusing statements.
She wouldn't shed a tear if she didn't think it was wrong. Perharps an admission of guilt.
He felt sad and guilty but he couldn't control himself. He continues to ignite guilt in his mother, making more and more accusing statements to let her understand this is how she had treated him when he was younger. But as he vents his stress, his level of guiltiness rises. And this happens almost every time when he is stressed and upset. But today, he felt extremely miserable
I'M GLAD you have a freaking conscience. You know its wrong, you feel guilty....Someone taught you well. No freaking idea but he/she taught you well.
Lots of people here have probably made their mother cried and done so much worst then you and probably not regretted it at all.
If anyone here dare claims they have NEVER made their parents upset before please freaking step forward and i'll show you a liar!!!
And beside, he already admitted he has problems interracting with people, usually these type of people express themselves through their anger. Hormones plays a significant role too.
Not going to make a verdict on your mother abusing you and you being rude to your mother but understand taht people have different ways of expressing themselves sometimes.
Action speaks louder then words but most importantly...whats the intend?....
Loads of thing can cause a person to go into depression or a change in temperment as well
Such as medicine, treatment, loss of hope, pessimistic outlook, stress etc etc and the list goes on
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I don't understand how being diagnosed with cancer will change a loving mother into a witch. It just sounds impossible to me.
The boy is really pitiful and I think he had lost his trust for his mother. Even if his mother shows care for him now, I guess he will only rejects it. This is a kinda hard issue bcus i experience similar problems and do not know how to improve my relationship with my 'loved' ones.
I believe he needs someone to care for him and teach him how to start loving himself and the people around him...
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Learn to forgive and forget.
Forgive your mother.
Forgive yourself. It is unhealthy to have a daily outburst. You are nuturing a hot-temper personality. This will be detrimental and creating another set of problems.
Let say you are not strong enough to control yourself. I suggest that you seek help from a counsellor with anger management. You are probably facing some external pressure such as dealing social relationships with friends/classmates. Maybe a counsellor can also help you in this area too.
Subconciousnessly, you may want to "create pain" towards your mother because you are also feeling miserable inside. You may start to blame her for all your problems but then not all problems are also due to her.
It is a concious choice of what you want to do to help yourself. What happened in the past does not have to linger on and affected the way of how you see the world. Life is not miserable. Life is full of possiblities. Open to it and your life will always change for the better or worse. There are also many things that you can be appreciative and grateful of. Don't focus on the bad stuffs. You have the strength and ability to recover from anything and even to help others because of what you went through in the past.
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Originally posted by BillaMax:
Imagine, this little innocent boy at the tender age of 10.
His mother, as far as he can remember used to be very caring and loving. A perfect model mother. However, that year, his mother contracted 3rd stage nose cancer and somehow, she became physically violent. At the boy age of 10, he remembered being pinched with the sharp nail of her. Being a little boy he is unable to defend himself and was really badly hurt. Both physically and emotionally.
He remembered that on a Sunday when he is still seeking primary school education, he had this little privilege of having an outdoor meal at a coffee shop every Sunday. That particular Sunday, he saw his mother ordered his favourite dimsum - Siew Mai and was very tempted to have one. Without thinking, he took his pair of chopsticks and attempted to take one, however his very own biological mother shoved his chopsticks away and said a sentence in mandarin that he will remember in his remaining part of his life journey, "Everyone else is entitled to have one, except you". This left a deep scar in him. He had this impression that his biological mother did it on purpose and his mother really hates him.
Much more bad memories are engraved in his mind with one being his mother throwing a chair at him.
In his secondary school life journey, he again went out with his family to a famous food store to have dinner in a particular Sunday. That day, he forgotten what he had done which made his mother angry but he remembered his mother mentioning in mandarin 'I will not acknowledge you as a son, I did not raised a bastard like you!' By that sentence, he was devastated. Of course, his dad defended him by complaining this to his grandma. (Mother side)
Somehow, this guy realised that he is very poor when it comes to teamwork. He didn't knew how to interact with people when he attempted to do that, people claimed that he is very bossy and reluctant to share, selfish. But he is not, he really just do not know how to interact with people. When it comes to group work he usually solo the entire project. He does not trust anyone, because of the scar that constantly lingers in his mind.
He grew hatred towards his mother. Blamed his mother for causing him to grow up with this sad story. Almost on a daily basis, he screamed at his mother that she is a despicable evil bitch and somehow he felt guilty but he couldn't control himself not to say such hurting words. He believed that he said such a sentence was because he wanted his mother to experience what her child she hated had gone through.
He purposely did things to make his mother jealous, in the year 2009, he made a very special designed mug to his grandma on his grandma birthday. Recently, he used his own savings to purchase a phone for his grandma on his birthday but he never gave any thing to his biological mother.
But today, he got very angry and said a lot of hurtful words. Lots of it.
Surprisingly, he saw tear ran down from his mother cheeks with his few accusing statements. He felt sad and guilty but he couldn't control himself. He continues to ignite guilt in his mother, making more and more accusing statements to let her understand this is how she had treated him when he was younger. But as he vents his stress, his level of guiltiness rises. And this happens almost every time when he is stressed and upset. But today, he felt extremely miserable.
Are there, any words or statements you could advise this Secondary three student on how he should react, how he should face his future? He lost his sense of direction towards life.
He will definitely appreciate all advise given.
I understand that this is complicated. But I am not surprised.
I think he is being very normal and human. One treat people who are nice to one, back being nice for the case of his grandma. For his mother, he treat him back appropiately.We all do the same with our friends and colleagues.
But that is easier to say. My father never like his mother (my grandmom), and I never like my father. So... just take care of yourself, dont dwell in the past and look forward towards the future.
.
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TS, get a hold of yourself, please don't treat your parent this way. She loves you, thus the tears, she care for you, thus her actions. And remember this is coming from someone who lost he's dearest mum to cancer. Revenge? Please do not resort to revenge, talk to her, she's your mum... talk to her and let her know how you feel about your past, TS it's never too late... It's hard but she's your mum always remember this, mother are the greatest creature GOD ever created.
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Thanks for the comments, I had reflected my actions and written them down, please take a look.
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she have make your childhood a miserable, scary, fearful one.
she give birth to u but make u suffer.
u never asked to be born. she give birth to u so she must take care of u.
she is a child abush. she had tortured you when u are young. during a stag of your life when u are independent, she have casted a dark spell on your life and masked you with a memory unforgettable.. a memory of hatred.
you feel angered. u hated it but the memory come back. it's time for u to leave everything behind.
when u are able to work and earn money. it's time for u to leave her forever,by the time.
when you no longer needed her. just leave her alone and proceed with your life.
no contacts. let her be. nothing from u is known to her. she've mean nothing to u.
until them. endure and continue to work and save money. study hard and get good result. it's the key to end your torment from her.