Letting go of anger...
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Hi friends,
A few months ago something happened to me which has greatly affected me and I feel I have trouble letting go of it. Just want to know your opinions and advice.
To put it simple, this colleague at work at that time insulted my father, who passed away a few years ago due to an incurable illness. He said something like, "your father die never mind". (Note also, I didn't really provoke him, all my other colleagues can vouch for that). Naturally, I got extremely angry, but I did not do anything as I knew I was in uniform. If I were to lash out I knew I would probably get in trouble myself.
It has already been a few months and well, sad to say, it still affects me. Everytime I think of him or the situation I just get angry.
A little about me: I can say for sure I am quite an angry person and sometimes angsty even, BUT I am not violent and know how and when to think straight. Heck, I have never gotten into a fight before!
Anyway yes, this thing still affects me. I've tried to rationalize myself, talk to others, occupy my time, everything! But I still feel lots of anger when the whole thing subconciously flits into my mind. People tell me like I gotta let go; that dumb kid ain't worth your time; fighting no point one etc etc.
Honestly, sometimes I feel a tinge of regret not punching that fella. I feel that unless I see him PHYSICALLY suffer infront of me, I will never be happy.
This is probably the first most heartfelt sharing I have done regarding this incident.
Thanks.
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From your post, I can tell that you are very unhappy with this person. To the point of wanting to punch his face in whenever you see him, right? Alright. Then you have only 3 very obvious options here.
1. Make peace with him.
This is a very hard option, and to do it, you would have to get to know him more, and then try your very best to like him.
2. Ignore him completely.
This is also a hard option, but easier than option 1. AVOID eye contact at all times. IF you have to make contact with him no matter what, just look into his eyes for a second, then look down to the side and speak with him. This is a very hard option depending on what job you're doing.
3. Settle things once and for all.
This is the easiest, and is also the least stressful. It is also the best option IMO.
Call him out. Tell him that you want to have a chat with him. Then first things first: Ask him if that insult was a genuine one, or was he just fooling around, and didn't really mean it. Ask him softly and slowly. If he says that he didn't think before speaking, and is sorry, then let it go. Forgive him. You can surely do that, right? The guy's apologized.
IF he says otherwise, and continues acting high and mighty, commenting on all sorts of atrocities, you may now loosen your tie and give it all you've got. It would be time to punch his face in, and relieve your stress and burden.
But remember, for option 3, BRING IT OUTSIDE.
And to add on, there's really no such thing as "letting go of your anger". Yes, people can forgive. And everyone has a different capacity for forgiveness. But once you harbor such angers, one like yours inside you for so long, there's no way you can just forgive and forget in a flash. You need to get this thing out of your mind once and for all. And you can't achieve that by just ignoring the problem completely.
I hope you get some results.
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Thanks for the reply.
Well making peace with him won't be an option. I know what he's like. Infact, he was the kind everybody kinda hated and looked down on. All I can say is he ain't worth it, at all.
I guess you're right about the ability to actually let go of anger. I'd have to choose option 2 (Left work long ago, I don't see him at all). Also, personally, it's a matter of love and pride for myself. If I were to even assosciate myself with this kind of scum, I'd feel it's against my father, and also my whole family who was at the funeral.
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To me, it is like trauncating words and sentences. I dont understand what it is the really about.
Is he trying to curse your father to die? NO, because your father is already dead.
Is he trying to say your father is not important? Yes/No? Yes because it is time to move on as your father has passed away for so long. No?
It is all messed up in your brain. Do you ever try to understand what that guy is trying to say in this first place?
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Well to be more specific on the situation, we were all just messing around and teasing each other in good fun. Then he got mad out of nowhere and starting insulting my parents. All of us were like wtf's wrong with you, then he started insulting my dad, so I said, "You know my dad passed away?" And he just said, "your dad die nvm lor"
Another colleague went to talk to him and tried to make him apologize twice, but he refused.
Seriously, he's just a dumb kid.
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easier said than done, not to be angry esp in thge office jungles, where gossip, office politics etc are the norm. some colleagues or from other departments will either scold you, backstab you or you are being insulted by your boss as stupid, useless, redundant etc.
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Thanks for your reply.
It wasn't exactly an office jungle. Sorry I didn't specify earlier. It was merely a part-time job in the service line.
It was an altercation gone wrong. Yes we were teasing him, but what he said was entirely inappropiate, ESPECIALLY after I told him nicely that my dad already passed away, thinking that he would stop his nonsense. but instead, he cotinued on.
This situation doesn't fall under the office jungle/politics category imo. It's about what has been said to my face and that I find it hard to let it go. I mean, I've come across a lot of assh*les in life, with them pissing me off before. But this situation? It's like the first time I recognize it as a real problem that's been eating me up and that I feel I got to find a way to overcome it.
Time is usually a healer, but this is like a whole other lvl for me.
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you should have told him off there and then so that he can stop his nonsense. if your reaction is this, he will also feel pissed off, like when he insulted your father, he said same same to your father, see how he reacted. you should also told him, why use family to tease, insult, jokes? cant you be sensitive to someone who was dead and dear to me.
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how old is he and his race? bet he is in his teens or early 20s? these young people is probably spoilt and lack of manners one, an idiot so to speak.
having said that, I believe most of us, wont use family, esp dad or mother, esp if one of your parent is dead to insult. if someone, usually minority that said that, you have the right to be angry, since he doesnt repect you and your dad, you have the right to fark him upside down.
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Yeah... I know.. hence the regret. In a way it's good, cos... knowing my temper, it would have turned ugly.
Some have told me it was good I held my composure and all that, but that feels like a cheap facade. After that, some close friends said they wanted to bring people down to wack the fella, but I actually told them to forget about it.
It feels like a major conflict inside: Me being rational and doing the "right" things, but because of that I don't get to see justice.
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listen to what he has to say about emotions, very interesting and enlightening,
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- So that person was not being sensitive, but then what made him "mad out of nowwhere"? Were you being sensitive to him also?
- Sometimes, you were only looking at the situation on your side and poking him, but had you ever think about you were "teasing" him. But did he like it?
- May be something you said was "offensive" to him, but had you noticed?
-And in your perspective, your father may be was some1 who WAS very important and you probably respect or was in deep sadness. But TO HIM, his parents migth not be important at all. FOR ME, I did not care about my dad; FOR MY friend, he followed his mother after his parents had divorced.
- On one hand, you were talking about being angry for something he had said, but on the other hand, had you say something who had make him upset?
Communication is a two-way notions, learn to take things easy, and this will boost up your EQ. May be you have not even understand what he say in the first place, so why are you grabbing it so tight in your hand? Just let go and relax.
Prehaps, you may have graded him, to be some1 not to be classify as friend, but that does not restrict being co-workers.
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Originally posted by Aldinosaur:
Yeah... I know.. hence the regret. In a way it's good, cos... knowing my temper, it would have turned ugly.
Some have told me it was good I held my composure and all that, but that feels like a cheap facade. After that, some close friends said they wanted to bring people down to wack the fella, but I actually told them to forget about it.
It feels like a major conflict inside: Me being rational and doing the "right" things, but because of that I don't get to see justice.
yes, this is called delayed reaction and dun react immediately. some people get violence and into fights, because they reacted instantly and immediately to the insults.
sometimes delayed reaction is a good thing, because it allow you to think and feel first before reacting. if you were to beat him up after hearing that, both of you will get fired and into more trouble later on.
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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=USC5MJVZLy8
this is brilliant advise. when someone hurt you, if you let it go, it will be gone. but if you remmeber and be angry, you let him hurt you again and again and again, if you recollected what he said to you. then you think over what he said again and again in your mind, and you let him hurt you for the 4th, 5th, 6th time and etc.
think about it. if you let go, you are hurt only once. but i know its not easy to do it.
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you choose your own happiness. karma will get the bastards anyway. someone will teach him a lesson in future.
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-And in your perspective, your father may be was some1 who WAS very important and you probably respect or was in deep sadness. But TO HIM, his parents migth not be important at all. FOR ME, I did not care about my dad; FOR MY friend, he followed his mother after his parents had divorced.
- On one hand, you were talking about being angry for something he had said, but on the other hand, had you say something who had make him upset?
Interesting perspective.
Hmmm well all I can say is, he was the kind who got teased a lot by us, but harmless fun kind of way. He was more anti-social and he cock up a lot at work. Before the incident, I still called him out for gatherings. To me he was like a, "He's an idiot, but he's our idiot" kind of thing. But not anymore.
I can put myself in his shoes, that he's that dude who got teased a lot, but we never expected him to be so insensitive, ESPECIALLY after I told him NICELY that my dad already passed away. The fact that he wanted to continue running his mouth was just too much. The fact that people asked him to apologize goes to show what kind of person he is.
It is a hard thing for me to let go because the death in the family affected us so deeply. I put in effort and all to make sure my mom's constantly alright and that she's not alone. For someone to belittle my dad's passing is really too much to bare.
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as much as you feel like, you shouldn't punch him. if you do, you will have nothing but trouble that follows after.
maybe the issue is not you being angry with him but you can't let go of the fact that your dad passed away. some people take a few months to get over it. some people take a few years and still do not get over it. you haven't got over it so thats why you are angry with him.
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Thanks R3shin for your reply,
Hmmm nah I don't think it's about me not being able to let go. Yes I was very sad when my dad passed away, but it made me grow a lot in an instant. One lesson was that life has to go on and I need to let go and move forward.
I am angry because well, this is the first time in my life such a sensitive issue, has been literally thrown into my face in a very insulting manner. It angers me to know such people do exist and that (due to my delayed reaction and not punching him), he was, at least in that moment "let off the hook". Know what I mean?
I am not gonna be stupid and like find him so I can beat the shit out of him. I myself believe in karma, but until I actually see or hear it myself, i find it hard to let go.
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Originally posted by Aldinosaur:
Interesting perspective.
Hmmm well all I can say is, he was the kind who got teased a lot by us, but harmless fun kind of way. He was more anti-social and he cock up a lot at work. Before the incident, I still called him out for gatherings. To me he was like a, "He's an idiot, but he's our idiot" kind of thing. But not anymore.
I can put myself in his shoes, that he's that dude who got teased a lot, but we never expected him to be so insensitive, ESPECIALLY after I told him NICELY that my dad already passed away. The fact that he wanted to continue running his mouth was just too much. The fact that people asked him to apologize goes to show what kind of person he is.
It is a hard thing for me to let go because the death in the family affected us so deeply. I put in effort and all to make sure my mom's constantly alright and that she's not alone. For someone to belittle my dad's passing is really too much to bare.
So what i understand is, the problem is with you, not with him. You are very "into" your father's death, and you are not letting it go.
What he say is the trigger point.
So please let go yourself. please get over your father's death and move on.
And stop being angry about him, over a problem that is really originated form you.
Life and death is destinated.
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So you are part of the group that teased him alot. Have you thought that making fun of people for whatever reason is wrong? This does more harm to the living than the dead, if you get what I mean.
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Originally posted by Aldinosaur:
Thanks R3shin for your reply,
Hmmm nah I don't think it's about me not being able to let go. Yes I was very sad when my dad passed away, but it made me grow a lot in an instant. One lesson was that life has to go on and I need to let go and move forward.
I am angry because well, this is the first time in my life such a sensitive issue, has been literally thrown into my face in a very insulting manner. It angers me to know such people do exist and that (due to my delayed reaction and not punching him), he was, at least in that moment "let off the hook". Know what I mean?
I am not gonna be stupid and like find him so I can beat the shit out of him. I myself believe in karma, but until I actually see or hear it myself, i find it hard to let go.
You should also understand that he might really have insulted your father only in a moment of rashness. I mean, you guys were poking fun at him, and blood went up to his head. Surely anyone would have not thought rationally and would have done something stupid, let alone an idiot like him. Right? And the reasons why he did not apologize then, was most probably because he was really embarrassed and felt ashamed in doing so!
If you have a chance, you should really call him out and clarify this matter once and for all. (Whether it was intentional or unintentional, which you have not stated?)
And unfortunately, there are millions of other idiots like him living alongside you on Earth. Are you going to get angry and stress over every single one of these people who insult you or your family?
And.. Karma? You're not going to get struck by lightning just for having punched someone.. Go ahead and let the next person who insults you get it in the face. Just don't go around punching people for nothing and karma and the police will leave you alone.
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Thanks for the replies guys.
@Lokey: From your previous post I can see where you're coming from, but I have to disagree with you. Thanks anyway for your honesty :)
Well to be honest, I can put myself in his shoes, rationalize the situation or whatever, but I don't think any friend or person should be running his mouth like that NO MATTER what. Nobody, in good fun or anger or whatever, should be bringing in parents in the situation, let alone deceased ones. If my current best friend of over 15 years says shit like that to me? That's it, we're done.
I am not actively seeking revenge on anyone, but neither am I keen on being so forgiving.
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I think part of the reason why I feel so fked up about this issue is that I didn't get a chance to properly express my views on this. As mentioned in the first post, this is the first heartfelt sharing I ever done regarding the situation.
At that period all my other colleagues were like oh hahahah aiya let it go la. NOBODY talked to me about it.
I am not trying to say the world revolved around me, but... I felt very lost and motherf**king angry then.
Living in Peace: You're right that there are millions of these idiots living around us everyday. I am going to get over this matter and become a better person. To me, though I would like to see him suffer retribution, the most dangerous thing to happen is that I actually become like that. I may be angry and upset about the whole issue, but I certainly am not about to become someone who starts a fight with someone or run my mouth off just because I am angry. I've seen fights start out infront of me before, some of which were caused by my friends, and it looked totally retarded to me.
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Originally posted by Aldinosaur:
Thanks for the replies guys.
@Lokey: From your previous post I can see where you're coming from, but I have to disagree with you. Thanks anyway for your honesty :)
Well to be honest, I can put myself in his shoes, rationalize the situation or whatever, but I don't think any friend or person should be running his mouth like that NO MATTER what. Nobody, in good fun or anger or whatever, should be bringing in parents in the situation, let alone deceased ones. If my current best friend of over 15 years says shit like that to me? That's it, we're done.
I am not actively seeking revenge on anyone, but neither am I keen on being so forgiving.
You see that. You are holding onto emotion too tightly. It has been months since this incident happened. It has been years since your father's death. Yet you are still haboring the emotions.
For one thing is, you can determine that this guy is not going to be ranked to be a "friend". This is out of logical deduction. But whether he can be a co-worker that is for you to determine. But having being emo of this historical incident is too much.
I am not saying he is right, you are wrong, or you are right, he is wrong. But being busy over anger in the history, is not going to make you heathy. Look forward and move on.
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Sometimes I wonder if it can actually be that easy to let it go. As, whether it should just be that way. I also wish I could easily let it go. But yeah,I am trying.