I've been married for over one and a half years. My husband's posted overseas for work slightly over 3 months ago. There is another 4 months to go.
I'm not sure but highly suspect that its due to my loneliness, that I recently found myself thinking of a man who had chosen to depart from my life and discontinue our unusual and illicit relationship, after I told him that my then-bf (who became my husband) proposed to me and I accepted.
I last heard from him about 1 year ago, when he popped online to ask me how I was. he had "vanished" for many months before that, when I told him that my then-bf proposed to me. He popped up 1 yr ago that time, he asked me whether I had accepted the proposal. I said yes. This is in itself, a lie, because actually I was already married by then.
After I told him that I have accepted the proposal, which today I think was the biggest mistake of my life, this man never contacted me ever again. Before that he was already acting weird and said how he didn't feel that it's right of him to continue our unusual relationship while my real bf and I took serious steps to cement our relationship (through engagement). He said he feels bad towards my then-bf, who did not do anything wrong to him and feels he can't "violate" an engagement that will amount to marriage (as all engagements are supposed to).
I wonder if its due to my husband not being around, that i've been thinking of him again (prior to my husband's leaving singapore for the posting, I didn't think of that man too much).
But now in fact, not only do I think of him, I visualise meeting him and us in embrace. I also wonder if the fact that he's still lurking around in my mind, is because there was no proper closure between us.
I really miss him so dearly and I pray to God that he has found happiness with a girl who makes him laugh like I do, who understands him like I do and who can click with him so well like i do. In other words, I feel that I'd have been this girl together with him married, if we met under different circumstances or in an alternate reality.
I can't stop thinking of him. and I'm also worried of how this affects my marriage. Last week i even threw my temper at my husband when he phoned, I think its because of my thoughts and feelings for this man. what should I do?
he chose to cut me off after thinking that I was getting married, yet he had no qualms about having feelings for me all throughout the time when I was attached to my then-bf or attached to previous bfs.
is there such a big distinction between the status of married and attached, if you're a guy and you have feelings for a girl?
Any guy with a iota of honour in him would not pursue a relationship with a woman who is attached or married.
Originally posted by Kuali Baba:Any guy with a iota of honour in him would not pursue a relationship with a woman who is attached or married.
Why?
Originally posted by Thinkingofyou:Why?
which part of "married" did you not understand?
Married means you and your husband have already consummated. Being attached does not neccessarily gave the legal right to do so.
Originally posted by the Bear:which part of "married" did you not understand?
What if the relationship didn't involve sex or physical touch, but just having feelings emotionally and love and concern?
Originally posted by Thinkingofyou:I've been married for over one and a half years. My husband's posted overseas for work slightly over 3 months ago. There is another 4 months to go.
I'm not sure but highly suspect that its due to my loneliness, that I recently found myself thinking of a man who had chosen to depart from my life and discontinue our unusual and illicit relationship, after I told him that my then-bf (who became my husband) proposed to me and I accepted.
I last heard from him about 1 year ago, when he popped online to ask me how I was. he had "vanished" for many months before that, when I told him that my then-bf proposed to me. He popped up 1 yr ago that time, he asked me whether I had accepted the proposal. I said yes. This is in itself, a lie, because actually I was already married by then.
After I told him that I have accepted the proposal, which today I think was the biggest mistake of my life, this man never contacted me ever again. Before that he was already acting weird and said how he didn't feel that it's right of him to continue our unusual relationship while my real bf and I took serious steps to cement our relationship (through engagement). He said he feels bad towards my then-bf, who did not do anything wrong to him and feels he can't "violate" an engagement that will amount to marriage (as all engagements are supposed to).
I wonder if its due to my husband not being around, that i've been thinking of him again (prior to my husband's leaving singapore for the posting, I didn't think of that man too much).
But now in fact, not only do I think of him, I visualise meeting him and us in embrace. I also wonder if the fact that he's still lurking around in my mind, is because there was no proper closure between us.
I really miss him so dearly and I pray to God that he has found happiness with a girl who makes him laugh like I do, who understands him like I do and who can click with him so well like i do. In other words, I feel that I'd have been this girl together with him married, if we met under different circumstances or in an alternate reality.
I can't stop thinking of him. and I'm also worried of how this affects my marriage. Last week i even threw my temper at my husband when he phoned, I think its because of my thoughts and feelings for this man. what should I do?
he chose to cut me off after thinking that I was getting married, yet he had no qualms about having feelings for me all throughout the time when I was attached to my then-bf or attached to previous bfs.
is there such a big distinction between the status of married and attached, if you're a guy and you have feelings for a girl?
if this whole thing is not total crap.............contact me if you're lonely and horny.................
provided you've got a killer bod.............
you know what they say about marriage.................it's just a scrap of paper.............meant to be broken !
Originally posted by Thinkingofyou:What if the relationship didn't involve sex or physical touch, but just having feelings emotionally and love and concern?
what were your marriage vows?
Originally posted by the Bear:which part of "married" did you not understand?
aiyoh.................the middle ages are over liao...............
nowadays, anything goes...........
Originally posted by TooFree:Married means you and your husband have already consummated. Being attached does not neccessarily gave the legal right to do so.
He was aware (I was honest) that my then-bf and I consummated our relationship before marriage. And during that time, he was ok with it.
It was after I told him about the proposal that he began to tell me weird things like how he feels it's not right to do this.
So he didn't have a conscience when I was just attached to different bfs over the course of the 8 years me and that man had the unusual relationship, and suddenly he developed a new-found conscience cos of an engagement?!
I can't stop thinking of him and I keep thinking that he could be the one that got away and what it could have been.
This is especially pronounced when I get into fights with my husband and I can't help but think if I was married to that man instead, I won't even have to deal with this stupid issue (that is causing that fight).
To be married and ''think'' of another man is ok, but remember that if u cross the line, then u are being unfair to your spouse and disrespecting yourself.
Unless, of course, u are holding on to a ''dead'' marriage, but want the security and yet crying out for some space to be.
Loneliness is a by=product of unloving oneself, unaccepting of what one is, what one does, hence the need for ''things'' or ''another'' to fulfil one. Of course, it may happen but one has to pay the price and most unconsciously do and hence the feeling of being trapped and stultified. Also, once that ''reason'' or ''need'' is fulfilled - whatever one was seeking ends, it dies.
Being self-honest is essential and being human is to err but to drag everything and cause misery to oneself and others close to u is unwise
PS - ''Think'' in quotes is cos only by being self-honest will u ever be able to reconcile to and hopefully transcend this and yet be. Beware cos what the mind thinks and the heart feels are two different ...
Originally posted by Fugazzi:To be married and ''think'' of another man is ok, but remember that if u cross the line, then u are being unfair to your spouse and disrespecting yourself.
Unless, of course, u are holding on to a ''dead'' marriage, but want the security and yet crying out for some space to be.
Loneliness is a by=product of unloving oneself, unaccepting of what one is, what one does, hence the need for ''things'' or ''another'' to fulfil one. Of course, it may happen but one has to pay the price and most unconsciously do and hence the feeling of being trapped and stultified. Also, once that ''reason'' or ''need'' is fulfilled - whatever one was seeking ends, it dies.
Being self-honest is essential and being human is to err but to drag everything and cause misery to oneself and others close to u is unwise
PS - ''Think'' in quotes is cos only by being self-honest will u ever be able to reconcile to and hopefully transcend this and yet be. Beware cos what the mind thinks and the heart feels are two different ...
Even if I want to cross the line, I also cannot.
He cut me off remember? I feel so sad and heartbroken.
I don't understand why he cut me off just because he thinks I'm "engaged", when he had no issues with our illicit and unusual relationship when I was attached to my boyfriends.
Should I try to track him down?
The river flows lah, u holding on to the past and wanting to relive it now is your predicament, not his. As for being ''cut off'' no one is privy to what really transpired bet u and him (or what could have been overlooked in the marriage) and it would be wiser of u to let-go and understand that life comes in all shades.
It is the desire to see him or whatever that is the misery, the sadness.
Kill the desire, i wont suggest, but understand what u could be denying in u, suppressing in u matters. Again, being self-honest is being wise.
Rite/wrong no such thing, in your intuitive heart the "'answer"" lies.
This is called sexual loneliness. It usually happens when both my GFs are off-shore.
It the time i usually 'suddenly' have new partners of 2 months( we do make clear it a short term thing!). It often a sexual thing.
After my chicks come back, everthing went back to normal......
Advice is, U can take "Asro" offer or just go out with "that man".
U know U want it !
It is indeed a sign of loneliness. As yr hubby has been away from you for such a long duration, the feeling of wanting to be love comes in. Since your ex has fulfilled the void in your life previously, the feeling of being associated with your ex comes back pretty naturally.
Since you are married, you can share your inner feelings with your husband when you talk to him each night.
Imagine your husband is also overseas and all alone. If he also show signs of loneliness and start looking for girls around (guys overseas are more susceptible to such temptations), how would you feel?
Marriage is a trust between both parties. Your husband gave his word that he will have no other girls other than you. Likewise, you should also give your trust to your husband that there will be no other men other than him.
Originally posted by mochi_cake:It is indeed a sign of loneliness. As yr hubby has been away from you for such a long duration, the feeling of wanting to be love comes in. Since your ex has fulfilled the void in your life previously, the feeling of being associated with your ex comes back pretty naturally.
Since you are married, you can share your inner feelings with your husband when you talk to him each night.
Imagine your husband is also overseas and all alone. If he also show signs of loneliness and start looking for girls around (guys overseas are more susceptible to such temptations), how would you feel?
Marriage is a trust between both parties. Your husband gave his word that he will have no other girls other than you. Likewise, you should also give your trust to your husband that there will be no other men other than him.
you sound like a good upright man.
may I ask, if you were ever a (emotional, not sexual) third party to a relationship that is attached, does it make much of a difference if the couple got married? why?
Originally posted by the Bear:which part of "married" did you not understand?
I think every single part of her marriage vows...
TS...if U really dun know ur vows...go find out.
Originally posted by Thinkingofyou:Even if I want to cross the line, I also cannot.
He cut me off remember? I feel so sad and heartbroken.
I don't understand why he cut me off just because he thinks I'm "engaged", when he had no issues with our illicit and unusual relationship when I was attached to my boyfriends.
Should I try to track him down?
Well to some, a person is fair game even if he/she have a gf/bf because you are still in the dating stage. Whereas once you are engaged, you are already more committed and it's like the pre-step before marridge which puts you off the market.
Ideally you are suppose to love and have sexual thoughts and relations with your husband. You have already went against one which is love. If you felt that you love him more than your husband, why did you still agreed to the engagement? Are you taking your husband as a backup?
May i ask, if that guy had been more aggressive in pursuing you, would you give your husband up and left with the other guy? Please spare a thought for your husband. Being newly weds, you got a lot of work to do to keep this marriage going. Cut off all contacts with him if he is bothering you. Focus on your career. If possible, webcam every night with your husband. Send a letter to your husband using post. I'm sure he would be happy to receive a surprise mail from you.
TS,
Remeber before you think about another Men, Your husband is working hard to build a better life for the 2 of you...........
Maintaining a long distance relationship is not easy.....Speaking from first hand experience I was seperated from my wify for 1 yr 6 months. It was not easy.
There are generally 2 area needs address emotionally and physical needs that need to continue to maintain.
Do you talk to your husband on a daily basis? either by phone or thru internet e-mail and voice conversation these are tools that are available please use them.
You can explain position and feeling more thru e-mail so to avoid argument over long distance call. hard to express emotion over the phone. Trust me did that.....its difficult to establish conversation and add stress on him working overseas.
Physical needs......make a date night over the internet....the rest use your imagination!!! No Kidding try it....!!!!
Oh by the way this is a good time to find your own interest as compare to having an emotional affair with another old flint of yours......
Pick up a sport....Yoga..... or get together with Girls events.....!!!!
Focus on building relationship such as spice up the relationship by taking a sexy picture of yourself in Bikini that he has not seemed and send it to him ask him to put on his computer screen.....!!!!!
Keep the relationship ALIVE!!!!!!
Originally posted by Phantomnite:Ideally you are suppose to love and have sexual thoughts and relations with your husband. You have already went against one which is love. If you felt that you love him more than your husband, why did you still agreed to the engagement? Are you taking your husband as a backup?
May i ask, if that guy had been more aggressive in pursuing you, would you give your husband up and left with the other guy? Please spare a thought for your husband. Being newly weds, you got a lot of work to do to keep this marriage going. Cut off all contacts with him if he is bothering you. Focus on your career. If possible, webcam every night with your husband. Send a letter to your husband using post. I'm sure he would be happy to receive a surprise mail from you.
No.. I never once took my husband as back-up. In fact, i believe I love my hubby more. hubby and I share so much meaningful experiences and been through more ups and downs together (although hubby and I got together only 3 yrs + ago). I feel that I understand my hubby better also, due to the fact that through the 8 yrs I knew the other man, he (other man) was not in Singapore most of these times. When we first met, he was studying in London and after he graduated, he worked in Dubai instead of coming home. We could never get together for real cos he's not here. At the point of his cutting me off at the end of the 8 yrs, he was still in Dubai. I hardly spent any time with other man doing real activities like shopping, dining, groceries, errands.
Our feelings for each other (me and other man) are gradually and very steadily built up over this long period of 8 yrs over conversations online.
Who's to discount feelings and emotions felt in this manner? We certainly do not care for each other any less just because we weren't really physically together much of this time.
I stress again, that I think I have feelings for this man, but I love my husband more. And whenever I get frustrated with my marriage, when things dun go well, I think about how i wont be suffering that shit if I had married the other man instead.
There are certain things, which he is superior to my husband in (he has much nicer parents and family, and a better family background), shit thing which I have to deal with my husband. So when my hubby's gross and disgusting family bug me, I think and reminiscence of other man and what could have been.
It is possible to love two people. Don't you know that? It does not mean I love him more than I love my husband.
But right now I'm wrack with guilt for loving another man while I'm married to and do love my hubby. I'm afraid other man's someone that I may never forget, or ever completely get over. He'll always have a special place in my heart. And he had been such an important emotional rock through the painful moments of my life for 8 yrs and made me laugh so much over 8 yrs, much of it was conducted online, even though we shared few actual moments in the same country doing things together.
the fact that he couldn't carry on our unusual "affair" after he learnt that I was getting married, makes me want him even more cos it shows what an upright man he is.
I know its stupid cos he wasn't even an official bf or someone I ever introduced to my friends as a bf yet when I think of him sometimes it makes me cry :```( not official doesn't mean our feelings for each other were any less.
"It is possible to love two people. Don't you know that?"
actually this is so true
It is possible to love more than two people at any one moment excepting that boundaries ought to be respected otherwise it is chaos lah.
Having said that it presupposes the one who purports to love REALLY loves without expecting the other to fulfil. This is being mature, ie, one is self-fulfilled.
If fulfilment comes thru another - it is being accidental and it is heading towards big time trouble.
Ts,
Comparison is divisive, it is disrespecting oneself and of course, this habit is going to permeate other things/people in your life - it is extremely unhealthy. One never feels ok, how to?
Originally posted by Thinkingofyou:No.. I never once took my husband as back-up. In fact, i believe I love my hubby more. hubby and I share so much meaningful experiences and been through more ups and downs together (although hubby and I got together only 3 yrs + ago). I feel that I understand my hubby better also, due to the fact that through the 8 yrs I knew the other man, he (other man) was not in Singapore most of these times. When we first met, he was studying in London and after he graduated, he worked in Dubai instead of coming home. We could never get together for real cos he's not here. I hardly spent any time with other man doing real activities like shopping, dining, groceries, errands.
Our feelings for each other (me and other man) are gradually and very steadily built up over this long period of 8 yrs over conversations online.
Who's to discount feelings and emotions felt in this manner? We certainly do not care for each other any less just because we weren't really physically together much of this time.
I stress again, that I think I have feelings for this man, but I love my husband more. And whenever I get frustrated with my marriage, when things dun go well, I think about how i wont be suffering that shit if I had married the other man instead.
There are certain things, which he is superior to my husband in (he has much nicer parents and family, and a better family background), shit thing which I have to deal with my husband. So when my hubby's gross and disgusting family bug me, I think and reminiscence of other man and what could have been.
It is possible to love two people. Don't you know that? It does not mean I love him more than I love my husband.
But right now I'm wrack with guilt for loving another man while I'm married to and do love my hubby. I'm afraid other man's someone that I may never forget, or ever completely get over. He'll always have a special place in my heart. And he had been such an important emotional rock through the painful moments of my life for 8 yrs and made me laugh so much over 8 yrs, much of it was conducted online, even though we shared few actual moments in the same country doing things together.
the fact that he chose to end our unusual "affair" and relationship with each other after he learnt that I was getting married, makes me want him even more cos it shows what an upright and good man he is.
The interesting part of a lady's perspective. A man who is upright is someone they are attracted to, yet, he becomes not upright if he decides to be with you. How paradoxical is that?
Anyway, I once fell head over heels in love with a girl, that had a hot and cold relationship with me for 4 years, until I met my wifey. However, because it was hot and cold, there was always this strange yearning to see this girl again. I thought carefully to myself, and reasoned that it is closure that I needed, and told my wife that I needed to see this girl one last time.
And so I went to meet this girl, and my heart finally shut down that yearning. It's like a chapter closed. It was just something about "What might have been?", and once I saw her again, and understood myself better, I never thought of her again.