Married but thinking of another man
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Originally posted by Thinkingofyou:
No.. I never once took my husband as back-up. In fact, i believe I love my hubby more. hubby and I share so much meaningful experiences and been through more ups and downs together (although hubby and I got together only 3 yrs + ago). I feel that I understand my hubby better also, due to the fact that through the 8 years I knew the other man, he (other man) was not in Singapore most of these times. When we first met, he was studying in London and after he graduated, he worked in Dubai instead of coming home. I hardly spent any time with other man doing real activities like shopping, dining, groceries, errands.
Our feelings for each other (me and other man) are gradually and very steadily built up over this long period of 8 yrs over conversations online.
Who's to discount feelings and emotions felt in this manner? We certainly do not care for each other any less just because we weren't really physically together much of this time.
I stress again, that I think I have feelings for this man, but I love my husband more. And whenever I get frustrated with my marriage, when things dun go well, I think about how i wont be suffering that shit if I had married the other man instead.
There are certain things, which he is superior to my husband in (he has much nicer parents and family, and a better family background), shit thing which I have to deal with my husband. So when my hubby's gross and disgusting family bug me, I think and reminiscence of other man and what could have been.
It is possible to love two people. Don't you know that? It does not mean I love him more than I love my husband.
But right now I'm wrack with guilt for loving another man while I'm married to and do love my hubby. I'm afraid other man's someone that I may never forget, or ever completely get over. He'll always have a special place in my heart. And he had been such an important emotional rock through the painful moments of my life for 8 years and made me laugh so much over 8 years, much of it was conducted online, even though we shared few actual moments in the same country doing things together.
the fact that he chose to end our unusual "affair" and relationship with each other after he learnt that I was getting married, makes me want him even more cos it shows what an upright and good man he is.
It is not wrong to love 2 person. Since you already acknowledge that you love your husband more, and with the very fact that you have chosen him to be your life partner, I'm sure you know where your priority should lie.
Since you mention that you only think of him when you are facing troubles with your husband, I suppose it is just how we humans react when faced with adversity. Just keep your behaviour in toe, and cut off contact with this guy. It will hurt your husband to know that you have another guy in your heart.
Maybe you can go along this line, the grass is greener on the other side cos it is full of shit.
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i can love many many women leh!
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I think your view of love is pretty warped :) If you have been cheating on your husband (your then bf) for so long, then you cannot claim to love him. Love is focused, love considers the other party's pride and feelings.
One day, your husband comes and tells you that actually all this while, even before you've been married, that he's been sleeping with another gal. I assure you the feelings of betrayal will be something which you cannot come to grips with.
Seriously, I hope you and your husband can be divorced asap so that he may find his true love. You are standing in his way man. What were your marriage vows? If you can't stick to it, karma will come back and find you. When you really be with that other guy, one day he has another gal that he loves and let's see.
If you're really keen to salvage the marriage, you will speak to him about how his overseas assignments are eating into the matrimony. Delve seriously into it and find a solution, NO MATTER WHAT. Right now, you have an escape door and you are falling into temptation.
People like you believe that the best way to rid of a temptation, is to yield to it. Like I said, I hope your husband divorces you so that he may find his true love. He does not deserve a wife like you. No hard feelings :) Just my neutral point of view.
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Originally posted by Thinkingofyou:
I can't stop thinking of him and I keep thinking that he could be the one that got away and what it could have been.
This is especially pronounced when I get into fights with my husband and I can't help but think if I was married to that man instead, I won't even have to deal with this stupid issue (that is causing that fight).whatever that we don't have always seem to look better, feel better. the grass is greener on the other side, until we get to the other side and experience what it is really like
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Originally posted by soul_rage:
The interesting part of a lady's perspective. A man who is upright is someone they are attracted to, yet, he becomes not upright if he decides to be with you. How paradoxical is that?We weren't just merely attracted to each other. We had feelings and cared for each other, and have shed tears for each other before.
Honestly, if he had chosen to fight for me, bulldoze his way in and made me choose between he or my then-bf when he learnt that I was proposed to, I think there is a chance I might have picked him over my hubby.
But I honestly can't be sure.. While he and I really feel greatly for each other, I have more real life dating experience with my hb. So my hb feels like a much safer choice. -
I think what you need is closure to this relationship.
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Guys, seriously let's not waste our time anymore. It is pretty obvious that her mind is made up. She wants to contact the other guy and get together with him because she is just lonely that her husband isn't around and she still has feelings for the other man.
On the other hand, she doesn't want to let go of her husband as well. By all means, I think you seriously need to relook and reflect upon why did you even marry your husband in the first place? What made you attracted to him and why has that form of attraction waned? I can understand if loneliness plays part in this because he is overseas working but you should not let your emotions take over your rational mind. After all, like what the rest has said, what were your marriage vows that you and your husband has sworn together back then? Was it just a facade? A lie? Or did you guys get married at the spur of the moment just because your had feelings for your husband then?
If you want to find the other man and rekindle your relationship with him, by all means, go ahead! Find him, confess and clarify your relationship together and just pray that you can get back together with him again! That is still an uncertainty by the way. For all we may know, he might already be happily with someone else. But don't come back here next time, filled with sorrow and regret that you abandoned your husband, who is working so hard overseas for the both of your livelihood.
Once you make the decision, you stand by it. Sorry if I sound harsh but you really need a wake-up call from this perception of infidelity. In this case, you can't have your cake, and eat it as well.
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Originally posted by Thinkingofyou:
I've been married for over one and a half years. My husband's posted overseas for work slightly over 3 months ago. There is another 4 months to go.
I'm not sure but highly suspect that its due to my loneliness, that I recently found myself thinking of a man who had chosen to depart from my life and discontinue our unusual and illicit relationship, after I told him that my then-bf (who became my husband) proposed to me and I accepted.
I last heard from him about 1 year ago, when he popped online to ask me how I was. he had "vanished" for many months before that, when I told him that my then-bf proposed to me. He popped up 1 yr ago that time, he asked me whether I had accepted the proposal. I said yes. This is in itself, a lie, because actually I was already married by then.
After I told him that I have accepted the proposal, which today I think was the biggest mistake of my life, this man never contacted me ever again. Before that he was already acting weird and said how he didn't feel that it's right of him to continue our unusual relationship while my real bf and I took serious steps to cement our relationship (through engagement). He said he feels bad towards my then-bf, who did not do anything wrong to him and feels he can't "violate" an engagement that will amount to marriage (as all engagements are supposed to).
I wonder if its due to my husband not being around, that i've been thinking of him again (prior to my husband's leaving singapore for the posting, I didn't think of that man too much).
But now in fact, not only do I think of him, I visualise meeting him and us in embrace. I also wonder if the fact that he's still lurking around in my mind, is because there was no proper closure between us.
I really miss him so dearly and I pray to God that he has found happiness with a girl who makes him laugh like I do, who understands him like I do and who can click with him so well like i do. In other words, I feel that I'd have been this girl together with him married, if we met under different circumstances or in an alternate reality.
I can't stop thinking of him. and I'm also worried of how this affects my marriage. Last week i even threw my temper at my husband when he phoned, I think its because of my thoughts and feelings for this man. what should I do?
he chose to cut me off after thinking that I was getting married, yet he had no qualms about having feelings for me all throughout the time when I was attached to my then-bf or attached to previous bfs.
is there such a big distinction between the status of married and attached, if you're a guy and you have feelings for a girl?
GO SEEK GIGOLO AT GEYLANG. -
i m glad all these things happen....
more singles and divorces....as predicted
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its load of excuses to justify betrayal in the name of love
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people get bored in a marriage
dun marry unnecessarily
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keep justifying as part of women rights ....and complain when man does it
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most of the guys that see and reply to yr post see yr post subject as
"looking for a man to have sex with me till my husband return"
and end of the day you lose out on yrself
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Originally posted by munchmv:
whatever that we don't have always seem to look better, feel better. the grass is greener on the other side, until we get to the other side and experience what it is really like
This view should give you a clue to what you are experiencing.
You have been on that grass on the other side, and you saw that the grass on this side is safer. So you chose this side and now yearn for the other side.
If you spend as much time with the other man as you spend with your husband, you will also begin to quarrel with him (the other man), and start thinking of the other man (your present husband).
The feeling you have for the man is an erotic desire. And this comes about when you are frustrated. Frustration comes about when you do not get what you want. And this erotic desire present a sensual pressure on your body and triggers your desire for gratification, which is met in the form memories and fantasy. But it is not enough, you desire reality. This is compelling you to act in the direction of re-living your unusual affair.
Er... I suggest you indulge in some self gratification until your husband comes back.
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the time has come when women blames men for even harbouring such thoughts....it is so gratifying to see women justifying what they once blamed men for it...
very good....keep up with more justifications and psychological gratifications to make yourself less guilty
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Humans are complicated beings.
Within us, not just love or hate.
What you have for that man are lust and fantasies ( the millions of "wat ifs" ).
It is not his choice to stop pursuing you, but because you had made your decision when you accepted the proposal.
Even if you had wanted to continue the affair after your marriage, he would not. For in his eyes, you are no longer a woman worth pursuing. A woman who cheats and tempts others while promising herself to another is but a whore. Can he love a whore ? Obviously not.
You love your husband because you need him. What has your husband done to you to deserve such infidelity?
To desire is human, but the reality is that you may end up with nothing should you continue down this path. For vanity always come at a price. Can you afford ?
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Originally posted by Thinkingofyou:
We weren't just merely attracted to each other. We had feelings and cared for each other, and have shed tears for each other before.
Honestly, if he had chosen to fight for me, bulldoze his way in and made me choose between he or my then-bf when he learnt that I was proposed to, I think there is a chance I might have picked him over my hubby.
But I honestly can't be sure.. While he and I really feel greatly for each other, I have more real life dating experience with my hb. So my hb feels like a much safer choice.
I fought for my wife's heart, and I won. There were 3 other guys then, but I fought for her heart knowing that I am the one for her, the one to make her happy. And I won.Simply put, if the guy did not fight for you, there's no point in harping over it. It only shows that he isn't serious enough to fight. If he had been in contact with you for 8 years, and he did not even attempt to get into a serious relationship with you, then that's enough said.
Giving up may look like the guy is a gentleman, but it may also mean that the guy is not serious, or also that the guy is a coward. It's really how you interpret it.
And from what I read in your postings, you are merely dreaming up the best things to think about him, because in your real-life, you have some issues which you do not like to face.
No marriage is ever a complete bed of roses. Even though my wife and I love each other dearly, we do fight sometimes. But that's part of life. Also, doesn't mean that just coz I think her father is a dumbass, means I think of other gals.
I am still in contact with 2 gals whom I had feelings before, and whom my wife knows about and she knows they are my good friends. During my conversations today with either of these gals, we acknowledged that we had feelings in the past for each other, but because life is a case of grasped (and lost) opportunities, and we never attempted to get into a relationship, the opportunity has gone by, and there is no point in harping over it.
Instead, we are the best of friends today, and I am very open to my wife about it. She is also in contact with some of those guys who liked her in the past, and they are good friends to this day.
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its so commonplace but lesser revealed and hidden by "closet cinderellas" and the society/ system that puts the blame solely on the men...
keep gratifying as part of your rights...feel good as the system condones it
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I pity your husband.
The poor guy married a self-centered bimbo.
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I feel that i am reading Part 2 of the thread of my Boy friend's best friend is a "She".............
Just make up your mind !!!!
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I think you should not have married in the first place since you have no idea about love. I'm pretty sure that you are selfish and love yourself only.
Because if you had loved your husband you would not have wanted to hurt him. Instead your immediate need was to "feel loved" and you cannot be left alone to yourself.
To fullfill your emotional needs you should have spent more effort in communicating with your partner overseas. That can help alleviate your problem. Instead having no self restrain you chose a human cucumber.
Personally you are pretty lousy wife material. To have you as a partner is embaressing to say the least.
Kind Regards
Genie
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TS: Based on what I've read to-date, it seems clear to me that you are clearly missing out on something..
The fact that you are experienced in dating, considered your present hubby for financial/emotion stability as a factor..you are right..
But perhaps it may be due to you being more experienced in dating that you have ignored or didn't realized that all along, you and the other guy who have conversations but no physical intimate behavior belongs to one unique relatioship - soulmate which you might not have realized.
Based on what I experienced, observed and learn, ladies tend to look for bf/husband than confine in a soulmate who can be of the opposite gender. This is a deeper kind of friendship which often gives both genders the illusions of possibility of getting into relationship; but it isn't to begin with.
You situation has some similiarities with what I had in the past, just that in my case, you reminds me of my female friend whom I got to know from online who I thought could be my soul-mate..talking about anything..
But with time, I realized that she was not mentally mature nor have straighten out her thoughts yet..thus I rather stop contacting her, lose a soul-mate whom I feel happy to know of than to encourage her to meet other guys despite the fact that she's attached few years into the friendship.
The key with that guy drawing the line clearly and stop contacting you is primarily due to respect of you, and guys' principles (gentleman) for not wanting to get into a messy situation (which may affect their own track-record of a gentleman) that kind of thinking..rationale is how such guys draw clear lines..which ladies who are emotional often failed in terms of this aspect..
Which is why both genders can rebut and say it is possible to love this person and yet think of another person..but this is in fact a confusion of that individual who doesn't clearly know what he/she really wants.
I hope you now have a clearer picture of why some guys stop contacting at some point of time.
fallen
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It's just a habit...
After a guy has been around long enough. through a few relationships that didn't work out..
the guy sort of occupies a convenient place in your life,never close enough to start being irritating, just close enough to be dependent on when your current squeeze disappoint you in any way.
For whatsoever reason, you didn't choose to have an exclusive relationship with this guy. He wasn't good enough for you on his own for you to take the leap to choose him - heck, you would only 'CONSIDER" choosing him if he 'Fought for you'. (but he didnt! So maybe you aren't that big a bait for him too!)
But now you are bored, emotional and physical needs are not fulfilled, you long for the convenience of having this emotional crutch in your life, so you think of him lor. Like a drug habit u know - easy to 'slip' backwards.
My advice? Kick the habit and learn to be more independent.
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Originally posted by soul_rage:
I fought for my wife's heart, and I won. There were 3 other guys then, but I fought for her heart knowing that I am the one for her, the one to make her happy. And I won.Simply put, if the guy did not fight for you, there's no point in harping over it. It only shows that he isn't serious enough to fight. If he had been in contact with you for 8 years, and he did not even attempt to get into a serious relationship with you, then that's enough said.
Giving up may look like the guy is a gentleman, but it may also mean that the guy is not serious, or also that the guy is a coward. It's really how you interpret it.
And from what I read in your postings, you are merely dreaming up the best things to think about him, because in your real-life, you have some issues which you do not like to face.
No marriage is ever a complete bed of roses. Even though my wife and I love each other dearly, we do fight sometimes. But that's part of life. Also, doesn't mean that just coz I think her father is a dumbass, means I think of other gals.
I am still in contact with 2 gals whom I had feelings before, and whom my wife knows about and she knows they are my good friends. During my conversations today with either of these gals, we acknowledged that we had feelings in the past for each other, but because life is a case of grasped (and lost) opportunities, and we never attempted to get into a relationship, the opportunity has gone by, and there is no point in harping over it.
Instead, we are the best of friends today, and I am very open to my wife about it. She is also in contact with some of those guys who liked her in the past, and they are good friends to this day.
Hanor hanor, I also fought for my gf. If the guy is really true to you. They will pia all the way to reach out to you. There is a new shop at Heeren, i think is ALT? lol. Jap shop. There is a sex toy shop, the way they sell is don't make it look very sleezy, maybe you can try going there with your gfs to get a toy or two.
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Message only to TS, not any other forumers, as her case is unique for her only, and outsiders won't understand her true feelings and lifeplan. I may not say the same thing for someone else in a supposedly similar situation.
TS,
There is a reason why you feel so strongly and connected towards "the other guy", yet you're married to your husband. In our 'modern' world, everyone is expected to behave and live according to 1-size-fits-all instructions prescribed for everyone, whether they are for our highest good or not. And that is what often ruins many people's lives and happiness.
Without anyone telling you what to do, spend enough quiet time on your own, just you alone. You can go to somewhere you like, eg. beach, or stay in your room, as long as you're totally alone, free of external influences on your mind. Picture your future, 5, 10, 20 years ahead. Who do you see spending your life happily with? What do you feel when you imagine that future? Can you picture the same future with the other man you did not see initially?
You need to understand yourself better, then you can live your life without regrets, whether it's with your current husband, "the other guy", some other guy you meet in future, or even nobody at all as you may finally decide to be alone. If you are not living happily, the other person in your life will also suffer.
Rainbow Jigsaw of Life