Married but thinking of another man
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dun becum like tat wat xie ming ming hor...
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Originally posted by Thinkingofyou:
We weren't just merely attracted to each other. We had feelings and cared for each other, and have shed tears for each other before.
Honestly, if he had chosen to fight for me, bulldoze his way in and made me choose between he or my then-bf when he learnt that I was proposed to, I think there is a chance I might have picked him over my hubby.
But I honestly can't be sure.. While he and I really feel greatly for each other, I have more real life dating experience with my hb. So my hb feels like a much safer choice.I also got same experience be4 i married
broke off with bf of 3 yrs to marry new bf known for only 3 mths
u can pm me for further advices
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Originally posted by JerryJan:
I also got same experience be4 i married
broke off with bf of 3 yrs to marry new bf known for only 3 mths
u can pm me for further advices
Yar.... if lucky can have another affair too :)Kind Regards
Genie
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To TS : get over it and just be with ur husband. Try to put urself in ur husband's shoes will ya ? Your selfishness may bring the downfall to this marriage , in short , I think you are so wrapped in your own deluded bubble. Married and thinking of another guy , oh come on , give your husband a break ya -_- went tru all that trouble to get married and now u are doing crap to him
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Originally posted by ShrodingersCat:
It's just a habit...
After a guy has been around long enough. through a few relationships that didn't work out..
the guy sort of occupies a convenient place in your life,never close enough to start being irritating, just close enough to be dependent on when your current squeeze disappoint you in any way.
For whatsoever reason, you didn't choose to have an exclusive relationship with this guy. He wasn't good enough for you on his own for you to take the leap to choose him - heck, you would only 'CONSIDER" choosing him if he 'Fought for you'. (but he didnt! So maybe you aren't that big a bait for him too!)
But now you are bored, emotional and physical needs are not fulfilled, you long for the convenience of having this emotional crutch in your life, so you think of him lor. Like a drug habit u know - easy to 'slip' backwards.
My advice? Kick the habit and learn to be more independent.
I would like to correct the following said: "For whatsoever reason, you didn't choose to have an exclusive relationship with this guy. He wasn't good enough for you on his own for you to take the leap to choose him - heck, you would only 'CONSIDER" choosing him if he 'Fought for you'. (but he didnt! So maybe you aren't that big a bait for him too!)"
I did not have the choice of having an exclusive relationship with him. We were never in the same country physically. I'd highly dispute against "wasn't good enough" because he was most definitely was. We have a lot in common and I do believe if we met under different circumstances, we would be married.
Yes I always tell and question myself, that if he had felt more for more, he would have "fought for me", and told me to not accept or to rescind the proposal back here and he would have agreed to meet me and flown back here and swept me off my feet. And he did not do that. Instead, he stood by and was ready to back off and let me get married.
If I had meant more to him, he won't have minded or cared that we met in unusual circumstances or that he would have to explain to his friends how he met this girl whom he knew for so long but did not really meet.
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If I know the person is attached, I will be asking her to make a choice on who to choose.
I have worked many years overseas and have seen my japanese and korean colleagues having a wild time while their spouses are back in their home country. Due to the MCP nature of Japanese and Korean societies, the guys have their say.
I have given my commitment to the girl I love, from time to time my previous girls will look up for me. I will just chat with them for a while but I will not go any step further, such as meeting one-on-one with them or having too deep emotional attachment with them. It's dangerous. Once we get emotionally attached, it's easy for us to make the wrong moves once we are feeling down (e.g. having quarrels with our spouse).
Relationships have become more complicated in our modern society. It is even more important for us to keep our promise and trust to our another half. 30% of marriages in Singapore ended up in divorce and this is an upward trend. Will reach 50% just like the European countries in a few years.
In a relationship we will have to give and take, sometimes accommodating another half. Since we have to see through it till the end. If we bring in a third party, it will always end up in disaster. It is especially bad for ladies (as compared to men). Normally people are more forgiving to guys having affairs than to ladies. So before you give your promise to accept the other party and no one else, choose and decide wisely. Once you have decided, it's hard to break the commitments especially if there are children involved. -
I really don't know what you are thinking from your replies.
On one hand, you say you love your husband, on the other hand, you say you have feelings for the guys. Accepted that we do have that circumstances where we fall in love with 2 person, however, you must keep in mind that you are already married. Unless you want to head for a divorce, then please do it quick.
If you really love that guy, I believe you would have left your husband and went after him instead.
Right now, you have already acknowledged all the "if he had done that" scenarios, you would have fled to the other end of the world with him. Please wake up, he did not do all these.
Whether you want to start anew in your marriage with your husband or not, it all boils down to personal self-control. If you want, please cut off all contacts with that guy since you know he would be interfering your process of mending your love for your husband. If you don't, then please release your husband from being a future-cuckoo.
Presently, if you husband knows about this post. He will be quite aware that he have married a shell without fillings. Not very fair to him since he have invested his future in you. Spare a thought for your husband. If you are selfish, then accumulate merits and separate from your husband.
I might be harsh with my words, but from what you have posted, you sound as if you are using your husband as a back up for your emotional needs.
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TS : Intuitively this is your predicament.
Muse over this
A man is at the bar n another man walks up to him n asks him, "Are you Ernie Smith?"
The man says, 'yes"
The man then says, 'Were you in Boston a few days ago?'
Ernie says, "Just a min," n from his bag takes out a notebook, turns some pages, and then says, "Yes, I was a few days ago."
The man says, "Were you in rm 5?"
Ernie looks into his notebook n says, "Yes."
The man says, "Did you meet Mrs.Dorothy in rm 6?"
Ernie scans his eyes on his notebook n replies, "Yes."
The man says, "Tell me, did you make love to Mrs Dorothy?"
Ernie looks into notebook again, says, "Yes, I made love to Mrs. Dorothy."
The man says, "Well, I'm Dorothy's spouse n I don't like it."
Again, Ernie looks in his notebook and utters, "You know, that's funny. I didn't like it either."This is what hearing is all about. One agrees perfectly, but one hears only what one wants to hear; one understands only what one wants to understand.
I cannot make you wrong nor can i make u rite. Life is a flux n it is not cast in stone! That is being un-nice.
Ps - Hence my earlier posting that being SELF-honest .... one can rationalize, delude, and justify but it does not detract nor does it cancel out one IS
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Originally posted by mancha:
This view should give you a clue to what you are experiencing.
You have been on that grass on the other side, and you saw that the grass on this side is safer. So you chose this side and now yearn for the other side.
If you spend as much time with the other man as you spend with your husband, you will also begin to quarrel with him (the other man), and start thinking of the other man (your present husband).
The feeling you have for the man is an erotic desire. And this comes about when you are frustrated. Frustration comes about when you do not get what you want. And this erotic desire present a sensual pressure on your body and triggers your desire for gratification, which is met in the form memories and fantasy. But it is not enough, you desire reality. This is compelling you to act in the direction of re-living your unusual affair.
Er... I suggest you indulge in some self gratification until your husband comes back.
Thanks for your advice. You made the most sense in the whole thread. I have been told by friends that I am revisiting the fantasy of this man due to my loneliness.
Is it really? Perhaps. I believe other man and I are soulmates. he may be ashamed of his looks and thinks he's ugly but my feelings for him are so beyond appearances. we have the same faith and sense of humour and he's the only guy I know who recognises the breed of my pet immediately through a picture (I have a rare and unique pet), which none of my 'real' bf do, and he's a sagi (while I'm a leo) and we even have the same favorite number.
I pray that I will run into him one day (perhaps in a work or social meeting) and achieve the closure I need. when I think of him now, I do feel quite hurt that he chose to forsake me the way he did and just ended our contact and "relationship" when he believed I was getting married.
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Originally posted by Thinkingofyou:
Thanks for your advice. You made the most sense in the whole thread. I have been told by friends that I am revisiting the fantasy of this man due to my loneliness.
Is it really? Perhaps. I believe other man and I are soulmates. he may be ashamed of his looks and thinks he's ugly but my feelings for him are so beyond appearances. we have the same faith and sense of humour and he's the only guy I know who recognises the breed of my pet immediately through a picture (I have a rare and unique pet), which none of my 'real' bf do, and he's a sagi (while I'm a leo) and we even have the same favorite number.
I pray that I will run into him one day (perhaps in a work or social meeting) and achieve the closure I need. when I think of him now, I do feel quite hurt that he chose to forsake me the way he did and just ended our contact and "relationship" when he believed I was getting married.
May you be blessed , I initially thought u were another nut case , but but but to my suprise , you know whats wrong yes . Key word in the whole text : "Fantasy" . Welcome back to reality and get a grip ! I hope ur nick thinking of you is refering to your hubby ! jia you!
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Originally posted by Thinkingofyou:
I would like to correct the following said: "For whatsoever reason, you didn't choose to have an exclusive relationship with this guy. He wasn't good enough for you on his own for you to take the leap to choose him - heck, you would only 'CONSIDER" choosing him if he 'Fought for you'. (but he didnt! So maybe you aren't that big a bait for him too!)"
I did not have the choice of having an exclusive relationship with him. We were never in the same country physically. I'd highly dispute against "wasn't good enough" because he was most definitely was. We have a lot in common and I do believe if we met under different circumstances, we would be married.
Yes I always tell and question myself, that if he had felt more for more, he would have "fought for me", and told me to not accept or to rescind the proposal back here and he would have agreed to meet me and flown back here and swept me off my feet. And he did not do that. Instead, he stood by and was ready to back off and let me get married.
If I had meant more to him, he won't have minded or cared that we met in unusual circumstances or that he would have to explain to his friends how he met this girl whom he knew for so long but did not really meet.
I've met people who met online living in different countries who decided to just take a risk, meet up, genuinely get to know each other and finally get married to each other.
So both of you chose the safe and convenient option because what was more risky was not worth it enough for either of you to take the risk.And now that you have chosen a safer more convenient option, the allure of the risky choice doesn't get diminished because its the 'road not taken'
You have never been in the same country? That explains a lot about the perfection of your memories with this person. Less you meet, less conflict. You don't need to hear his snores, smell his farts, see him dig his nose or scratch his crotch. You don't need to live with his mother, put up with his sister, get pissed off with his pet dog.I'm not saying this person isn't a good friend. We all meet people whom we have chemistry with whether we are single or not. Doesn't mean everyone one you meet must end up being your life partner! (else really no time). Just because a person share your thoughts, your sense of humour or your interests, or your hobby - doesn't mean you got to LURRRVVEE him u know? millions of people out there - statistically speaking - soulmates aren't that rare. You can enjoy their company without thinking about infidelity ma.
I mean, heng your soulmate happen to be a guy right? All you are worrying about is infidelity. Imagine if you meet a soulmate who happens to be a girl! then what? Consider being a lesbian too?
I think you need some perspective in your 'relationship' with this person. To you, this 'relationship' is like a little secret romantic treasure, you cherished it, groomed it, fertilised it, invested emotions in it until it becomes something so important to you that you forget it never truly existed in 'real life'.
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Originally posted by Genie99a:
Yar.... if lucky can have another affair too :)Kind Regards
Genie
ya very exciting rite
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Originally posted by ShrodingersCat:
I've met people who met online living in different countries who decided to just take a risk, meet up, genuinely get to know each other and finally get married to each other.
So both of you chose the safe and convenient option because what was more risky was not worth it enough for either of you to take the risk.And now that you have chosen a safer more convenient option, the allure of the risky choice doesn't get diminished because its the 'road not taken'
You have never been in the same country? That explains a lot about the perfection of your memories with this person. Less you meet, less conflict. You don't need to hear his snores, smell his farts, see him dig his nose or scratch his crotch. You don't need to live with his mother, put up with his sister, get pissed off with his pet dog.I'm not saying this person isn't a good friend. We all meet people whom we have chemistry with whether we are single or not. Doesn't mean everyone one you meet must end up being your life partner! (else really no time). Just because a person share your thoughts, your sense of humour or your interests, or your hobby - doesn't mean you got to LURRRVVEE him u know? millions of people out there - statistically speaking - soulmates aren't that rare. You can enjoy their company without thinking about infidelity ma.
I mean, heng your soulmate happen to be a guy right? All you are worrying about is infidelity. Imagine if you meet a soulmate who happens to be a girl! then what? Consider being a lesbian too?
I think you need some perspective in your 'relationship' with this person. To you, this 'relationship' is like a little secret romantic treasure, you cherished it, groomed it, fertilised it, invested emotions in it until it becomes something so important to you that you forget it never truly existed in 'real life'.
I know he doesn't "snore, fart, dig his nose or scratch his crotch". And he has a great wonderful family in SG who are good, refined and well brought up people like him (they raised a good son of good character) and I'll never get pissed with his dog if he has one in Singapore (he did not in Dubai) because I absolutely love dogs.
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Damn, now I feel shit pissed sorry for your husband man. I hope you suffer the same fate some day.
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Originally posted by Thinkingofyou:
Thanks for your advice. You made the most sense in the whole thread. I have been told by friends that I am revisiting the fantasy of this man due to my loneliness.
Is it really? Perhaps. I believe other man and I are soulmates. he may be ashamed of his looks and thinks he's ugly but my feelings for him are so beyond appearances. we have the same faith and sense of humour and he's the only guy I know who recognises the breed of my pet immediately through a picture (I have a rare and unique pet), which none of my 'real' bf do, and he's a sagi (while I'm a leo) and we even have the same favorite number.
I pray that I will run into him one day (perhaps in a work or social meeting) and achieve the closure I need. when I think of him now, I do feel quite hurt that he chose to forsake me the way he did and just ended our contact and "relationship" when he believed I was getting married.
Sagis love freedom (I am a Sagi too), so that's a probable reason why he never did try to win your heart then.
What that is making me astounded (and others here too), is that as this thread continues on, I see your postings moving towards talking about all things good about the guy, and zero things about your hubby (and negative things as well, for the few things you casually mentioned about your hubby).
In the psychological aspect, I think you are at high risk of losing your marriage, if not now, in the future. You seemed to be making lots of good remarks about something you never have, but seemed really discontented with what you have. This is a tell-tale sign of an unstable relationship, coz your thoughts are focused on negating the existing relationship
I think you should really contemplate what you are trying to do, coz it seems that you have difficulty understanding what you want, given the postings you have made so far. In fact, the starting post of this thread seems to be looking for people to validate your actions (or thoughts).
Anyway, I don't know you, so I do not have any right to judge your actions. Just be really careful to not hurt that someone whom you have made your vows with
"To love and care for each other through good or bad times, till death do us part..."
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Originally posted by soul_rage:
Sagis love freedom (I am a Sagi too), so that's a probable reason why he never did try to win your heart then.
What that is making me astounded (and others here too), is that as this thread continues on, I see your postings moving towards talking about all things good about the guy, and zero things about your hubby (and negative things as well, for the few things you casually mentioned about your hubby).
In the psychological aspect, I think you are at high risk of losing your marriage, if not now, in the future. You seemed to be making lots of good remarks about something you never have, but seemed really discontented with what you have. This is a tell-tale sign of an unstable relationship, coz your thoughts are focused on negating the existing relationship
I think you should really contemplate what you are trying to do, coz it seems that you have difficulty understanding what you want, given the postings you have made so far. In fact, the starting post of this thread seems to be looking for people to validate your actions (or thoughts).
Anyway, I don't know you, so I do not have any right to judge your actions. Just be really careful to not hurt that someone whom you have made your vows with
"To love and care for each other through good or bad times, till death do us part..."
+1 to this for I totally agree with him. Right now, all you need to do is not live in the past any more and plan your next move and course of action. No matter what the case, you or the guy, I refuse to point at who is right and who is wrong simply because I don't know you people personally.
All I can say is, I seriously sympathise with your husband, who is the real victim who will suffer in the end...
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married life is getting too bored
we need so excitment
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Originally posted by Thinkingofyou:
I know he doesn't "snore, fart, dig his nose or scratch his crotch". And he has a great wonderful family in SG who are good, refined and well brought up people like him (they raised a good son of good character) and I'll never get pissed with his dog if he has one in Singapore (he did not in Dubai) because I absolutely love dogs.
-facepalm-
Are you reading what you wrote? Find me a human being that doesn't and have NEVER 'snored, farted, dug nose' and I think you are looking at a robot. These are NORMAL human processes you know!? Even people with good character do it!Even refined people like the Queen of England do these - except not in front of you maybe!
-face palm-
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do u know that 90% of the guys who is married still go to KTV, dates with other girls, ONS and so on after the so-called marriage is "stable"
they relised that they only live one, so why don't go screw around.
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Marriage is not boring lah, people are, they go into it hoping to find somehting. Of course, there is nothing there excepting what two persons bring in. When the emotional deposits and the emotional withdrawals dont balance there is bound to be chaos.
It is only whether it is a question of quantity or quality. To cite egs is too much.
Suffice to assume that the intelligent ones know what I am implying.
As for this lady - I do not emphatize her husband but i do feel sorry for her that she utterly caught up in self-delusion game of so-called love when it is not love.
As such, the inexorable is bound to happen - this is not wishing ill upon ... but how can one who is being accidental expect or wish to sustain a marriage with so many inner conflicts that are divisive. Also, the insidious habit of comparison is neurosis. Things can be compared - they are dead. How to compare a person - unless he/she is an entity, to be used and put aside and used again. If the latter is the case, then two persons are using each other - a buziness transaction. love is not business, life is not business.
Like I mentioned earlier, many here have in many ways and via views/opinions offered suggestions, advice. To me, it gets filtered, it gets screened, it gets blocked - hearing what ONLY one wants to hear lah, reading ONLY what one ones to read.
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Originally posted by Thinkingofyou:
Thanks for your advice. You made the most sense in the whole thread. I have been told by friends that I am revisiting the fantasy of this man due to my loneliness.
Is it really? Perhaps. I believe other man and I are soulmates. he may be ashamed of his looks and thinks he's ugly but my feelings for him are so beyond appearances. we have the same faith and sense of humour and he's the only guy I know who recognises the breed of my pet immediately through a picture (I have a rare and unique pet), which none of my 'real' bf do, and he's a sagi (while I'm a leo) and we even have the same favorite number.
I pray that I will run into him one day (perhaps in a work or social meeting) and achieve the closure I need. when I think of him now, I do feel quite hurt that he chose to forsake me the way he did and just ended our contact and "relationship" when he believed I was getting married.
Of course you would like to meet him again, thats quite natural. But take note that he did no wrong. From what you discribe him as, he seem to be an accomodating guy and humour you very well. If any, that is the fault.
Your hurt stems from feeling like a fool. After sharing personal details, you feel you have a charge on him, and he owe you at least an explanation. That is on your part. On his part, he'll have to tell you himself. I think he will apologise and wish you well.
Don't dwell on this matter too much. Your mind blowing it out of proportion.
If you do meet him, try not to establish contact for future correspondence. Leave any meeting again to chance. Let your "unusual affair" be just a pleasant memory from the past.
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Originally posted by mancha:
Of course you would like to meet him again, thats quite natural. But take note that he did no wrong. From what you discribe him as, he seem to be an accomodating guy and humour you very well. If any, that is the fault.
Your hurt stems from feeling like a fool. After sharing personal details, you feel you have a charge on him, and he owe you at least an explanation. That is on your part. On his part, he'll have to tell you himself. I think he will apologise and wish you well.
Don't dwell on this matter too much. Your mind blowing it out of proportion.
If you do meet him, try not to establish contact for future correspondence. Leave any meeting again to chance. Let your "unusual affair" be just a pleasant memory from the past.
Personal details?!
From just what you said, I know in a second that you don't have the slightest handle over the extent of our interaction or entanglements with each other over the past 8 - 9 yrs.
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the best answer to your question is: "should we blame men who harbours such thoughts as yours?"
remember....u r protected by women charter...we r not