anger
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i hv a prob, i found out that my spouse has been having an affair and though he has broke off with the girl, i have lots of anger and resentment in me even tho i want to give him a second chance and move on. How?
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Somehow, the relationship wun be like last time already
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How is the current situation now? Your starsign and his starsign? Why has he broke off with the other girl? You know? It's not what happened in the past which is gonna really matter.... It's the PRESENT... And the FUTURE if there's gonna be one...? Though the PAST can very often be related to the PRESENT and FUTURE, it don't really neccessarily has to be so....?Originally posted by skinnybeanie:i hv a prob, i found out that my spouse has been having an affair and though he has broke off with the girl, i have lots of anger and resentment in me even tho i want to give him a second chance and move on. How?
If you can't stop the PAST from coming back to haunt you, what kinda FUTURE would you hold? It's not just about whether you should be with him....? With him or not, yuor PAST MEMORIES would still be there... You UNDERSTAND me? -
May I ask how old are you? and how long have you been married? and why you marry him? And how do you find out about the affair?
lavender_scent -
current situation is tat he has broken off with her and i believe he is sincere about mending our marriage. Does starsigns matter? i'm not really into such stuff.
i understand what u meant.. but not easy to apply it to reality. I know i have to get over all these resentments in order to move on and hence gotta chat with others in order to trash out my unhappiness. Anyway, i am very sure that i wanna be with him for the rest of my life, juz tat i m not sure whether i can get over the past... it kept haunting me. And to make matters worst, the woman had been harassing me until recently when i told her to leave me alone.. -
lavender, m 32, married for a few months. Found out from his suspicious behaviour and finaly confronted him
why? -
About the woman, let yuor hubby knows about it and see if he can handles her...? Afterall, he's the one who brought her into your relationship..? Worse come to worse, both of you handles it together...?Originally posted by skinnybeanie:current situation is tat he has broken off with her and i believe he is sincere about mending our marriage. Does starsigns matter? i'm not really into such stuff.
i understand what u meant.. but not easy to apply it to reality. I know i have to get over all these resentments in order to move on and hence gotta chat with others in order to trash out my unhappiness. Anyway, i am very sure that i wanna be with him for the rest of my life, juz tat i m not sure whether i can get over the past... it kept haunting me. And to make matters worst, the woman had been harassing me until recently when i told her to leave me alone..
Yup... It's always so much easier to 'understand' than to apply things to Life... But you certainly can LEARN to do so....? So many things in life, you LEARN.... If you don't, you simply put yourself in a disadvantageous position....?
Yes... Starsigns do help quite A BIT... It's no DEFINITE WAY of predicting things but it would help somehow... But if you're not willing to gve it a try, I won't force you....
About YOUR DECISION.... Well... Though I can't promise nor tell you much of what's gonna happen in yuor future, SINCE it's already YOUR CHOICE that ya wanna be with your HUBBY... The 'UNDERSTANDING' part above definitely applies to you... Not gonna repeat myself here....
Good luck and ALL THE BEST?
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oh yes, did tell hubby who told her off and she stopped after a while...
my starsign is taurus and his is gemini.. so wats in it?
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Hmm, being a woman of course I tend to be abit "hmpff" when i saw ur posting.
Just feel there're a few things to consider: There're men who make affairs a habitual thingie and there're those who cannot resist temptation. Then again I noe men who tell me no such thing as even when drunk also dunno wat you're doing......so much more when the man is sober?!
No is perfect but this incident will no doubt leave a deep scar behind. I have seen some took months or even years for a couple to work things out, speak to counsellers and really "confront" each other. I have heard some decide to leave once and for all as they feel they cannot accept what had happened.
Just feel that you should first thrash things out calmly but most importantly get him to know how much you have been hurt and how bitter/angry u feel something inside. If u're prepared to stay on, there'll be alot of bad memories to work on especially at times when things get tense. So both of u have to be mentally prepared. Also he has to be frank with you where the problem lies and he has to be committed if double your effort cos the trust built inside ur marriage is gone. If you guys can, seek an experienced counseller, no point speaking to friends, has to be someone neutral so he/she can see things objectively.
There'll be bruises along the way but if you can still treat him with love and respect, hard as it may be, he may end up realising what a fool he has been and appreciate u even more than before.
I know is tough and my heart is with you, u'll cry and if u want to let it all out, u may experience hatred and feel justified when u do things he doesn't like but if u really feel the love and marriage is still worth it, give him one more chance. Take care... -
I am sure this is not a habitual thingy for him cuz it seems totally out of his character. Of cuz i can't say 100% it wont hapen again but i chose to believe he has learnt his lesson n wont play with fire again.
And yes, it of cuz left a deep scar that i think will take quite a while to heal. But believe if, in the end, he proves himself 2b a gd hubby, then all the struggle is well worthed.
We did thrash things out calmly and things are more or less settled now, provided the other woman dont try to sabotage again. He has also told me wat caused him to snap which i will take note and improve. Seeing a counsellor will be a last resort which i wil not rule out.
Thanks for your concern, i realy appreciate it. -
I personally feel that once a man is out of the rail track, he's out, no matter how many times he can apologise or how good/true the reason or excuse will be. The hurtful fact is he has betrayed your trust. And that alone is enough to nail him down for the rest of his life.
Remember now you are married, it's your right to be selfish in this case. But at the right limits.
There is no model solution to your problem. If you think he is worth your another chance, then go ahead and never to bring this bad incidents back to your arguements if you two fail to avoid one. On the other hand, if you think you are seriously mentally affected by his act that you cannot function like you used to, then maybe you need to consult someone in this marriage & family counselling professionals.
Perhaps the most disadvantage thing towards you is that you are married, else, you could have just let go.
Give yourself and him a reasonable length of time to think through on what could have went so wrong in the relationship that you both could only see it after marriage. Remember listen to your heart and not others. Only you know better than anyone of us on how much is being put into this relationship, you and him, the good times and bad times, though we know the story of yours. Even if you are going to make a mistake, it's your own mistake after all and not others.
God bless you.
lavender_scent -
Hi skinnybeanie,Originally posted by skinnybeanie:i hv a prob, i found out that my spouse has been having an affair and though he has broke off with the girl, i have lots of anger and resentment in me even tho i want to give him a second chance and move on. How?
Have you ever ask yourself wat causes him to have an affair behind your back?? And moreover you 2 only get married for like a few months.. and things start to turn out like that.. That's rather fast for this to happen.. Marriage is blissful.. Lots of commitments are put into it.. Its not like BGR anymore..
Glad to know that both of you have talked things out.. And then you know where exactly the problem lies with.. If you had decide that you want to spend the rest of your life with him.. Past is past.. See what's your present and future is more important.. then always flash back to the past.. No matter you had to go thru this.. And there's no turning back to the past and play it all over again.. Learn to accept it.. And move forward.. Don't bear any grudges on your husband.. If he really mean what he meant...
Although it takes time to heal all the pain and anger that you had inside.. Do give him back your trust.. and gain back his trust in you.. I'm sure after this incident.. You will take more precautions.. and Hopefully.. no such things will ever happen again.. to you and to him!!
Everyone in this world learn and move on.. IF there's no pain in this world.. Wont it be very meaningless?? No pain no feelings.. There's pain you learn.. And you will try not to do it again.. As for the woman.. i suggest you tell your husband about it.. See if he can do anything..
Well, I hope things will be so much better than last time.. But still there will be certain things that will not be the same.. But at least you try for it.. And you know you did put in some effort.. All the best to you!!
CheerS! -
The game of love is a real adventure for the Twins, since the chase can seem so much more fun. The real question for Gemini is, can they find that one person who is a keeper and will keep them happy forever? If there are any doubts, the Twins will just keep on looking. When in love, Gemini can be a very caring and thoughtful partner, someone who will do somersaults to keep their lover happy. Often, though, the Twins find themselves adrift in the sea of love, feeling vulnerable and needing something, or someone, to fill a lonely void. For all the party chatter and intense brain waves, the Twins have a bit of a melancholy spot, and tenderness and affection can be the perfect antidote.Originally posted by skinnybeanie:oh yes, did tell hubby who told her off and she stopped after a while...
my starsign is taurus and his is gemini.. so wats in it?
[/quote]
http://www.123-free-daily-horoscopes.com/geminilove.htm
I hope your relation will work out...........................
btw i am a gemini too................. -
best advice i've ever seen. Are u a uni student ?Originally posted by lavender_scent:I personally feel that once a man is out of the rail track, he's out, no matter how many times he can apologise or how good/true the reason or excuse will be. The hurtful fact is he has betrayed your trust. And that alone is enough to nail him down for the rest of his life.
Remember now you are married, it's your right to be selfish in this case. But at the right limits.
There is no model solution to your problem. If you think he is worth your another chance, then go ahead and never to bring this bad incidents back to your arguements if you two fail to avoid one. On the other hand, if you think you are seriously mentally affected by his act that you cannot function like you used to, then maybe you need to consult someone in this marriage & family counselling professionals.
Perhaps the most disadvantage thing towards you is that you are married, else, you could have just let go.
Give yourself and him a reasonable length of time to think through on what could have went so wrong in the relationship that you both could only see it after marriage. Remember listen to your heart and not others. Only you know better than anyone of us on how much is being put into this relationship, you and him, the good times and bad times, though we know the story of yours. Even if you are going to make a mistake, it's your own mistake after all and not others.
God bless you.
lavender_scent -
take care dear
betrayal is the hardest to handle
and things wont be the same anymore
handle things with a clear brain k?
[/quote] -
thanks for your advice, i really apprec it.Originally posted by lavender_scent:I personally feel that once a man is out of the rail track, he's out, no matter how many times he can apologise or how good/true the reason or excuse will be. The hurtful fact is he has betrayed your trust. And that alone is enough to nail him down for the rest of his life.
Remember now you are married, it's your right to be selfish in this case. But at the right limits.
There is no model solution to your problem. If you think he is worth your another chance, then go ahead and never to bring this bad incidents back to your arguements if you two fail to avoid one. On the other hand, if you think you are seriously mentally affected by his act that you cannot function like you used to, then maybe you need to consult someone in this marriage & family counselling professionals.
Perhaps the most disadvantage thing towards you is that you are married, else, you could have just let go.
Give yourself and him a reasonable length of time to think through on what could have went so wrong in the relationship that you both could only see it after marriage. Remember listen to your heart and not others. Only you know better than anyone of us on how much is being put into this relationship, you and him, the good times and bad times, though we know the story of yours. Even if you are going to make a mistake, it's your own mistake after all and not others.
God bless you.
lavender_scent
Well, being married of course is 1 big factor that makes me decide to give him one more chance. But i know deep down inside that even if we are not married, i will still eventually give him a 2nd chance as he was really a very great boyfriend.
Am still coping alright now, just like he feels that i am distant. But that's the best that i can do right now.
And God bless u too! -
The description describes him oh so well, fitted him like a glove.Originally posted by john hunter:The game of love is a real adventure for the Twins, since the chase can seem so much more fun. The real question for Gemini is, can they find that one person who is a keeper and will keep them happy forever? If there are any doubts, the Twins will just keep on looking. When in love, Gemini can be a very caring and thoughtful partner, someone who will do somersaults to keep their lover happy. Often, though, the Twins find themselves adrift in the sea of love, feeling vulnerable and needing something, or someone, to fill a lonely void. For all the party chatter and intense brain waves, the Twins have a bit of a melancholy spot, and tenderness and affection can be the perfect antidote.
http://www.123-free-daily-horoscopes.com/geminilove.htm
I hope your relation will work out...........................
btw i am a gemini too................. -
Hi Sunrise, thanks for your advice and well wishes. I will certainly put in my best efforts and hope for the best.Originally posted by SunRisE:Hi skinnybeanie,
Have you ever ask yourself wat causes him to have an affair behind your back?? And moreover you 2 only get married for like a few months.. and things start to turn out like that.. That's rather fast for this to happen.. Marriage is blissful.. Lots of commitments are put into it.. Its not like BGR anymore..
Glad to know that both of you have talked things out.. And then you know where exactly the problem lies with.. If you had decide that you want to spend the rest of your life with him.. Past is past.. See what's your present and future is more important.. then always flash back to the past.. No matter you had to go thru this.. And there's no turning back to the past and play it all over again.. Learn to accept it.. And move forward.. Don't bear any grudges on your husband.. If he really mean what he meant...
Although it takes time to heal all the pain and anger that you had inside.. Do give him back your trust.. and gain back his trust in you.. I'm sure after this incident.. You will take more precautions.. and Hopefully.. no such things will ever happen again.. to you and to him!!
Everyone in this world learn and move on.. IF there's no pain in this world.. Wont it be very meaningless?? No pain no feelings.. There's pain you learn.. And you will try not to do it again.. As for the woman.. i suggest you tell your husband about it.. See if he can do anything..
Well, I hope things will be so much better than last time.. But still there will be certain things that will not be the same.. But at least you try for it.. And you know you did put in some effort.. All the best to you!!
CheerS! -
Originally posted by skinnybeanie:
I am sure this is not a habitual thingy for him cuz it seems totally out of his character. Of cuz i can't say 100% it wont hapen again but i chose to believe he has learnt his lesson n wont play with fire again.
My thinking's the SAME... It's not like his style to do such a thing once he's properly ATTACHED.... I think he very much deserves a 2nd chance from you...? Anyway, that's just my own opinion?
And yes, it of cuz left a deep scar that i think will take quite a while to heal. But believe if, in the end, he proves himself 2b a gd hubby, then all the struggle is well worthed.
This is a RELATIONSHIP.... What happens in the future would very much depends on how ya handle the relationship too...? Though it's your STYLE to be more 'carefree'.... Try to show him MORE care & concern... Spend more time with him to let him feel that level of attachment...? He should be quite happy to do pretty much for you, but this hubby of yours can be nutured into someone REALLY LOVELY provided that you're willing to INVEST in an appropriate amount of LOVE and CARE too...?
We did thrash things out calmly and things are more or less settled now, provided the other woman dont try to sabotage again. He has also told me wat caused him to snap which i will take note and improve. Seeing a counsellor will be a last resort which i wil not rule out.
He should be a SENSIBLE and APPRECIATIVE guy.... I think you've made the RIGHT CHOICE... Always try to thrash things out in a calm manner with him... Do NOT try to just 'turn the table' by any chance, cause such a move would usually prove to be quite disasterious when used on someone like him....
Thanks for your concern, i realy appreciate it.
~good luck, and all the BEST WISHES...
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Originally posted by Devil1976:
Originally posted by skinnybeanie:
My thinking's the SAME... It's not like his style to do such a thing once he's properly ATTACHED.... I think he very much deserves a 2nd chance from you...? Anyway, that's just my own opinion?
yup, am very sure he deserves a 2nd chance
This is a RELATIONSHIP.... What happens in the future would very much depends on how ya handle the relationship too...? Though it's your STYLE to be more 'carefree'.... Try to show him MORE care & concern... Spend more time with him to let him feel that level of attachment...? He should be quite happy to do pretty much for you, but this hubby of yours can be nutured into someone REALLY LOVELY provided that you're willing to INVEST in an appropriate amount of LOVE and CARE too...?
of course, i hav a part to play in makin tis re'ship works. It takes 2 hands to clap. Actualluy, my style is not "carefree", my world revolves around him. And now wat i'll try to do is to spend more quality time with him. I do agree that he can be nurtured into someone really lovely, but then, i fear he is not able to give me the emotion support that i need. Instead, he keeps looking to me for emotional support, to the extent that he needs me to love him more in order for him to get over the woman. I fettl resentful regarding that...
He should be a SENSIBLE and APPRECIATIVE guy.... I think you've made the RIGHT CHOICE... Always try to thrash things out in a calm manner with him... Do NOT try to just 'turn the table' by any chance, cause such a move would usually prove to be quite disasterious when used on someone like him....
i've always choose to thrash things out calmly. And if i think i can't i write a letter/email. But he mostly just kept quiet and never return my mail. I m very disappointed in this aspect.
~good luck, and all the BEST WISHES
thanks very much! -
After reading your post, I see that you have a far greater problem than me. But it seems like you have more or less gotten the solution and are waiting for time to heal the wounds and get on with your marriage life.
I appluad your effort in giving your husband a second chance. I believe everyone deserves a second chance for anything he/ she has done wrong. So long as he/ she learns from the mistake and improve, I guess it might have been a better thing (not all the times lor). In your case, I think your husband should have learnt his mistake and I hope in the end, your marriage will benefit from it. But as advised before, if you forgave him for this incident, than you cannot use it for any future quarrel(s).
Anyway, I guess your husband is kindda like me in some sense ... he does not like to get letters or e-mails to discuss problems ... I guess he would prefer to talk, in a calmly manner to sort out things. When I say calmly, it means no raising of voices nor crying (maybe hard though) ...
Lastly, I wish the best for your marriage -
Originally posted by skinnybeanie:
of course, i hav a part to play in makin tis re'ship works. It takes 2 hands to clap. Actualluy, my style is not "carefree", my world revolves around him. And now wat i'll try to do is to spend more quality time with him. I do agree that he can be nurtured into someone really lovely, but then, i fear he is not able to give me the emotion support that i need. Instead, he keeps looking to me for emotional support, to the extent that he needs me to love him more in order for him to get over the woman. I fettl resentful regarding that...
I believe the emotional support part can be something quite lacking in him? I'm not sure to what extent can this be built up into him but I suggest you don't pin high on that? Still afterall, nobody's perfect?
I sense that he might not be exactly 'man' like you might be expecting from your partner, but your part for him is IMPORTANT... It would SHAPE very much of WHO he would become....
Regarding your need for emotional support... Here're 2 things you can do....
1. Get a FRIEND you can rely on to relate your feelings to...
2. SLOWLY show your hubby the 'weaker' and more 'femine' side of you... This can slowly build up this 'ability' of his... But remember not to overwhelm him with your loss over emotions, he probably couldn't take that...? This method is just for you to shape him so that he can be there when ya need just a little extra emotional support... Also, it'll make him a better man to confine in which is also quite important in a relationship...
i've always choose to thrash things out calmly. And if i think i can't i write a letter/email. But he mostly just kept quiet and never return my mail. I m very disappointed in this aspect.
I'm not exactly sure why he's not replying to your mails. Perhaps it's your content? Or perhaps he just don't like this style of communication? If I am to state, he's definitely someone who prefers a VERBAL communication OVER written ones...? I can sense that both your styles might not be exactly the same, but such are just minor issues of give and take.... The IMPORTANT thing is to get that COMMUNICATION ESTABLISHED?
thanks very much! My PLEASURE.... -
TAURUS FEMALE
You are a complex lady. You are ruled by the planet Venus, which makes you knowledgeable instinctively in the art of seduction. You love beautiful objects and adornments and will welcome any quality gifts that your lover buys for you. You always know exactly what you want and you will become quite stubborn if you don't get it. As long as your man stays on your good side and treats you with tender loving care, you will be affectionate and willing to give him whatever he wants. You are eager to learn about life, and the man that can teach you the ins and outs will win your heart. You look for a lover who is sincere, appreciative and knowledgeable about getting the best quality for the best price. If your chosen partner lives up to your standards, you will be a loyal, loving and excellent bed mate.
GEMINI MALE
When it comes to love you are always on the move. You can't stand schedules or routine in any aspect of your life. You refuse to conform to a clock. You are likely to try to fit as much into your life at one time as possible. You are intelligent, love to communicate and you are extremely versatile and knowledgeable. You are a smooth, convincing talker and can usually capture any female that interests you through communication alone. Your youthful nature is extremely appealing to most women. Your fun loving approach to life, your passion for parties and entertainment and your constant search to experience something new and different contribute to your charm. You have a great curiosity about women and will pursue someone that interests you while a challenge exists. Your staying power in a relationship is certainly not record breaking. You tire easily and will take off to pursue new interests if you get bored
lavender_scent -
Humbly yes, I'm from Uni. But I'm a uni grad now.Originally posted by Acrux:best advice i've ever seen. Are u a uni student ?
I'm still not that professional, cos I'm not in helping profession. Thought of taking helping profession course in Uni, but drop the idea due to some reasons.
Anyway, thanks for ur compliments.
lavender_scent -
Actually perhaps both of you need to spend quality time together but at the same time spend quality time to have your own space for your own interests. Am sorry to hear that at this moment he needs u to show him more love to get over that woman. He has to be clear that he whatever happened to that woman is not emotionally-binding. He HAS to be sure. Objectively, it could be because he's know uncertain and insecure about both of your future. Qns such as "Would she do the same to hurt me?" "Why is she still willing to be with me?" etc. may run through his mind and hence, he wants to see more concern from u so that he knows he's "safe", really "safe".Originally posted by Devil1976:Originally posted by skinnybeanie:
of course, i hav a part to play in makin tis re'ship works. It takes 2 hands to clap. Actualluy, my style is not "carefree", my world revolves around him. And now wat i'll try to do is to spend more quality time with him. I do agree that he can be nurtured into someone really lovely, but then, i fear he is not able to give me the emotion support that i need. Instead, he keeps looking to me for emotional support, to the extent that he needs me to love him more in order for him to get over the woman. I fettl resentful regarding that...
I believe the emotional support part can be something quite lacking in him? I'm not sure to what extent can this be built up into him but I suggest you don't pin high on that? Still afterall, nobody's perfect?
I sense that he might not be exactly 'man' like you might be expecting from your partner, but your part for him is IMPORTANT... It would SHAPE very much of WHO he would become....
Regarding your need for emotional support... Here're 2 things you can do....
1. Get a FRIEND you can rely on to relate your feelings to...
2. SLOWLY show your hubby the 'weaker' and more 'femine' side of you... This can slowly build up this 'ability' of his... But remember not to overwhelm him with your loss over emotions, he probably couldn't take that...? This method is just for you to shape him so that he can be there when ya need just a little extra emotional support... Also, it'll make him a better man to confine in which is also quite important in a relationship...
i've always choose to thrash things out calmly. And if i think i can't i write a letter/email. But he mostly just kept quiet and never return my mail. I m very disappointed in this aspect.
I'm not exactly sure why he's not replying to your mails. Perhaps it's your content? Or perhaps he just don't like this style of communication? If I am to state, he's definitely someone who prefers a VERBAL communication OVER written ones...? I can sense that both your styles might not be exactly the same, but such are just minor issues of give and take.... The IMPORTANT thing is to get that COMMUNICATION ESTABLISHED?
thanks very much! My PLEASURE....
Do find a real confidante like Devil said. It's impt at a point like this to have a good friend to rely upon especially since it's mentally very taxing. Sharing with someone will ease your burden and u will not feel so stress when u're facing him at home. When u dun feel so tense, chances of crossing swords with him are slimmer and perhaps you can think more calmly.
When you have to be stronger and you feel frustrated, keep repeating "I will be alright. I am gonna be fine." Take long deep breaths, clinch and let go of your fists. That may help you calm down. Even when you do break down, it will just be gentle tears. That may hit him harder that you need his strength too. Tell him that he is the head of the household and as a woman, you need his strong shoulders to lean on to.
I hope that things will get better for you and am keeping you in prayer. May God watch over you. Smilz