DiLeMmA iN LoVe
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many great guys have appeared in my love life.. but i have rejected all of them for the sake of a guy who i have been on love for 3 yrs till date but who don't love me back... i've told him how i feel but he just say it's impossible.. still, i'm wauiting for impossible miracles...
should i give up on him and move on? i know the sensible answer would be yes.. but i can't bring myself to do it..
*dilemma~*
please advice~~~ thanx~
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[This message has been edited by Babyacid (edited 26 January 2001).] -
Hi babyacid,
Yes you r rite cos its time you bring yrself together again. I can see that you really like that guy a lot cos 3 yrs is definately not a short time. You have tried yr best, but sometime love just don't work out the way you want it to me and there is not much you can do abt it.
After 3 yrs, I think its really time you open up yrself to others liao. Don't neglect those 'potential candidate' ard, they might just love you as deep as you love the guy. Never let go of a forest becos of a tree, esp if that tree is not worth waiting for.
Wounds will heal but it takes time. Starting from today, you can slowly open uo yrself bit by bit. After some time you will forget him and eventually open up yrself.
At the meantime, do more meaningful things to keep yrself occupied. To become a better person, we have to 'na de qi fan de xia'. Nevertheless, all the best and good luck in whatever things you r doing.
Regards
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nOthiNg iS ImpOsSibLE In tHiS wOrLd
EvEn tHe wOrD ImPoSsiBLe SaYs "i'M pOsSiBLe" -
Waiting for a guy for 3 yrs and just let go is really a pity. and I understand that deep down inside u, u will never want just let the wait go just like that. I mean u waited for so long, I believe to u waitng longer will no mean anything. Maybe sincerity will touch him someday. and who knows wat...
However, I suggest, while u r waiting for the guy, u keep a look out for pple too.. Not that I'm saying that u get a bf who u do not love. But just that look ard, maybe there is just this other person who is also trying to wait for u for the past 2-3 yrs.. Like wat Atti has said keep ur options open. Maybe one day u may realise that that and understand y that guy said that it's impossible between the both of u.
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Barely Bearing Berry Belly Bear -
just when i thought i was the only one troubled by this... now i got some others involved..
there's this guy who reallie reallie like mi alot ( call him J )... but sadly, i have rejected him for me still waiting for the guy who don't like me ( call him R )... J used to smoke but once he realise that he like me, he quitted smoking for two reasons.. one was becoz i hate smokers... secondly was becoz he wanted to live longer so as to be with me for a longer time... veri sweet of him, right? but i have disappointed J.. asked him to gif up a lot of times but he won't listen so i used the tough method by ignoring him totally... and now he has picked up smoking again... i wonder if he's using it to spite me coz i reallie feel bad now.. or izzit... i dunnoe~~~ his away message in irc is " LOL...going out for smoking spree...hmz....smoking more and more these few days..jialatz..dying very soon liaoz..lol..lame ahz..so? you think i care ahz? LOL..=P "...
i feel reallie sad and guilthy now... but i can't possibly accept him out of guilt, right? i admit i do feel a bit for him, but it's not love.. it's not how i feel for R... and i'm the sort that if i have a guy on my mind, i wouldn't think about anyone else, let alone consider them as potential bf...
i reallie appreciate you guys talking to me.. hadn't really expected anione to reply.. but i'm reallie at a lost and dunnoe wat to do... frankly speaking, i oso knoe i'm sort of wasting my time on R and losing potential chances ( possibly J )... but i dun wanna gif up, not wif R whom i love so deeply... -
well, others might think that waiting for 3 yrs is something n that u should go on waiting. but i think otherwise. in my opinion(everybody is entitled to their own opinions), i think u should juz let go n get on wif ur life. mayb u could try to get back to being frens wif J, try to get to noe him better n help him get rid of his smoking habit. who noes, thru this process, u might find things bout J that u might like?
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it's much easier said than done.. three years of love... might not seem like a lot to u.. true enuff, it ain't a lot... and i'm not holding on to it brcoz i wan to get wat i want.. it's not as if i neva tried.. but i can't.. honestly speaking, i even went into a love without any feelings involved.. i knoe it's veri bad of mi, and i realise my mistakes tat's why i came out of it..
i knoe J inside out.. we have been close b4.. not in that sense, but close friends.. he's a great guy and stufs and i can feel that he's true towards me.. but i juz can't... *sighz*
i knoe i might sound like a brat.. a veri stubborn one... but sometimes feelings r reallie hard to control.. -
babyacid....
i think some of us here may have similar cases lo.
thou' not similar in the sense of someone taking up old habit tt they got rid of coz of u, but u get wat i mean.
anyway, to different pple, they hold diff ideas/viewpoints....
some may think u're dumb/stupid/crazy/outta ur mind or nething liddat, to want to continue waiting after several 'rejections'. but others may think u're strong......it differs lo. wat i'm saying is, like wat u said, everyone is entitled to his/her own comments lo.....only thing i can say to u, is follow ur heart. =) n good luck....
btw, do put urself in the shoes of J....c his situation from his viewpoint, and mebbe u can further understand what he's going thru', and mebbe relate to ur own situtaion. =)
hope i provided some help here. -
Babyacid,
Well love is a funny thing, i mean, every girl hope to find a guy who really treasured her and lover her, but when there is one ard, well somehow the girl won't choose that guy and go for others, its funny isn't it? But it happens to many pple ard.
But i do agree with you, you have to follow yr heart lor. If u dun like J, there's no way in forcing yrself to, and all J can do is hopefully one day he can touch yr heart by his sincererity, care and concern etc. It is definitely NOT yr fault if he picks up smoking again, for its his life. If he choose to behave in this way just to spite you, i am sorry but to say that J is not mature enuff lor. He should know well better than that.
But in actually fact, i really hope that J should buck up and not let these small things affect him. Its not easy to love a person, esp when the person is so 'zhi zhou' with love. I really hope that he can continue to show u with love and concern until one day he wins yr heart. Of cos, i am not trying to tell you to accept him but, give him a chance, even if it is only 1%. Don't totally shut him out for he might really be the one to change yr life 1 day, who knows rite?
As for R, think i really need to brainwash u a little, and forgive me for being naggy. Yes, its not easy to forget him, but do u think he will remember you or even think of you? The ans is NO!!! He don't even care if u r there or not. Its been 3 yrs (yes i admit i am impressed by yr 'zhi zhou') but its time u stop torturing yrself. You don't deserved to be tortured in this way cos u did absolutely nothing wrong, and for R, its definitely not worth it!
Time to spare a thought for yrself liao, babyacid. BTW, mind if i ask u how old r u? I dunnoe but i can roughly tell that u r abt 18-20 only from what u says (pardon me if i am wrong). U r still young and many more yrs to go, its just not healthy this way on the long run. I am sorry if i sound got carried away by this post but u do remind me of a friend of mine, and i admit, i also have problem knocking sense into her head.
At the meantime, take good care of yrself pls!
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nOthiNg iS ImpOsSibLE In tHiS wOrLd
EvEn tHe wOrD ImPoSsiBLe SaYs "i'M pOsSiBLe" -
hmmz.. seems that the tought for waiting for the guy not reallie supported by u guys.. of coz i knoe tat i should follow my heart and i'm not going to follow exactl;y what you guys are telling mi wat i shoudl do... but i tink it's better to get more advices all round as u all can look from diff perspective... actually u guys are not the onli one who have asked mi to gif up... in fact, not much ppls have supported mi to go on wif it...
and as for J, i sms him last night... sort of ended up in an arguement about him picking up smoking again... i'm still concerned about him.. btu i tink it's onli on a friend friend basis...
i dunnoe wat i should do.. i dunno where i should stand... if i have known, i wouldn't b in such a dilemma... -
dearest atti,Originally posted by Atti:Babyacid,
Time to spare a thought for yrself liao, babyacid. BTW, mind if i ask u how old r u? I dunnoe but i can roughly tell that u r abt 18-20 only from what u says (pardon me if i am wrong). U r still young and many more yrs to go, its just not healthy this way on the long run. I am sorry if i sound got carried away by this post but u do remind me of a friend of mine, and i admit, i also have problem knocking sense into her head.
At the meantime, take good care of yrself pls!
yesh u r right about the age group.. and do i hafta say u r accurate.. i'm 19 this yr.. much ancient as compared to the young² yolanda.. but i tink age has no restriction on how serious u r or how much feelings u should put into a relationship.. what should matters should be the maturity level right? i dun reallie understand hwo it can get unhealthy down the road as u have said... maybe wat u meant is forming a fear for relationship in future? not sure... but tat's having quite an impact for mi.. now it takes mi quite a long time to reallie pin my hopes and feelings for another guy, in fear for another long long term wait.. nt that i mind the wait.. onli fear of the fall tat's gonna cum when all my hopes of being with the guy shatters.. understand?
but whatever it is, thanx fro replying~ -
dearest t|red..Originally posted by t|rEd:babyacid....
btw, do put urself in the shoes of J....c his situation from his viewpoint, and mebbe u can further understand what he's going thru', and mebbe relate to ur own situtaion. =)
hope i provided some help here.
that's exactly what J tells mi... i tell J not to wait for me coz i dun wanna waste his time... but he's using it as a rebute coz mi oso " wasting " time on R ( which i don't tink so )... though what i knoe is that mi waiting for R to love me back is an impossible task~~... when J says tat, i reallie haf nuthin to say.. it's quite true in a way.. i'm teaching others but i do not knoe how to use it on myself... toopid me,. right?
p.s.: i'm your grand senior~~~ you first three months in vj, right? i juz graduated from there.. now waiting for results.. enjoy your stay in vjc... it's reallie great.. gd luck for your O's... -
Come on pals and ladies or litto girls out there. At this point of the time, this lady here should be concentrating on her studies. Why bother herself with all these BGR stuffs? It is well, so waste of the time. Tell you what, I am not perfect, but almost a perfect bo-chup BGR things. There are reasons of cos. (sorry for being bhb)
Reason number 1: Ur mind will be tied down by a meaningless load, which put on studies will in actual fact, benefit you!
Reason number 2: Precious time of your presence on earth is wasted on things that you know is impossible, when someone, well stubborn I should say, claim possible. Even if this is true, out of millions out there, you think you are so lucky to be that 1 out there?? If you are, tell me a 4D number, I gonna put all I have on it! Also, spend time doing charity work, at least time is used on something beneficial to yourself, as well as to the society.
Reason number 3: Youngster, or rather guys, as I am one of those maybe, do not like to be tied down by responsibilties. Too young perharps to realise what it is all about so called puppy love. They will eventually realised that 1 thing more important than relationship, cause without it, eat what? Shit?? That is money!
Reason number 3: I have seen myself, people out there being "cheated". Hey that's bad, look at oneself in the mirror, you think parents nurture us up to be cheated by people? Think again, cherish kinship more than BGR, cause one day, when its not there, you gonna regret that you have not spend enough time with them, but thinking about those BGR kido stuff, that as I say, impossible to last during teen years. Maybe at an older age, it will. Look here, I did not say, definitely, but most probably, at least chances are much higher as everyone knows what they are after in their life, that is more mature in their thinking.
Reason number 4: Got to think out yourself, cause you know the cause of your living in life, I believe beside living to well....errmmm...ok so called love, I believe there are many other causes for your existence.
That's all friends, some of you might think I am trying to be a saint here, but I don't mind that at all. Cause I know what I am doing or rather its just a place of expressing views. Each has its own. The above reasons are what I have collected over a span of since sec 1 till now, about 7 or 8 years I think. Maybe there are more. But so far this are the major ones.
p/s: To succeed in life, got to work towards your goal! Have the determination and heart to put down distractions that might hinder you from success!!! -
Erm.. think she's waiting for A'levels so nothing to study.. hee hee...Originally posted by Don:Come on pals and ladies or litto girls out there. At this point of the time, this lady here should be concentrating on her studies. Why bother herself with all these BGR stuffs? It is well, so waste of the time. Tell you what, I am not perfect, but almost a perfect bo-chup BGR things. There are reasons of cos. (sorry for being bhb)
Reason number 1: Ur mind will be tied down by a meaningless load, which put on studies will in actual fact, benefit you!
Reason number 2: Precious time of your presence on earth is wasted on things that you know is impossible, when someone, well stubborn I should say, claim possible. Even if this is true, out of millions out there, you think you are so lucky to be that 1 out there?? If you are, tell me a 4D number, I gonna put all I have on it! Also, spend time doing charity work, at least time is used on something beneficial to yourself, as well as to the society.
Reason number 3: Youngster, or rather guys, as I am one of those maybe, do not like to be tied down by responsibilties. Too young perharps to realise what it is all about so called puppy love. They will eventually realised that 1 thing more important than relationship, cause without it, eat what? Shit?? That is money!
Reason number 3: I have seen myself, people out there being "cheated". Hey that's bad, look at oneself in the mirror, you think parents nurture us up to be cheated by people? Think again, cherish kinship more than BGR, cause one day, when its not there, you gonna regret that you have not spend enough time with them, but thinking about those BGR kido stuff, that as I say, impossible to last during teen years. Maybe at an older age, it will. Look here, I did not say, definitely, but most probably, at least chances are much higher as everyone knows what they are after in their life, that is more mature in their thinking.
Reason number 4: Got to think out yourself, cause you know the cause of your living in life, I believe beside living to well....errmmm...ok so called love, I believe there are many other causes for your existence.
That's all friends, some of you might think I am trying to be a saint here, but I don't mind that at all. Cause I know what I am doing or rather its just a place of expressing views. Each has its own. The above reasons are what I have collected over a span of since sec 1 till now, about 7 or 8 years I think. Maybe there are more. But so far this are the major ones.
p/s: To succeed in life, got to work towards your goal! Have the determination and heart to put down distractions that might hinder you from success!!!
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Barely Bearing Berry Belly Bear -
Well, waiting for A levels....hmmm....then charity work?? U mean now there are no charity work available?? Sure a not??
Or rather, read up some enrichment books, well, look here to enriched knowledge on the good side. I am not suggesting anything that is well, you people know what, I don't think I need to spell it out. -
i'm not like asking u to like understand J's position and try to make him quit smoking, or stop liking u lo. puting urself in his shoes may just let u understand ur own situation better lo......in a way, i do understand wat u mean when u say u really wan him to quit, but only on a very close fren basis.....anyway, the final decision is urs wat. =) it's good to actually hear other opinions...Originally posted by Babyacid:dearest t|red..
that's exactly what J tells mi... i tell J not to wait for me coz i dun wanna waste his time... but he's using it as a rebute coz mi oso " wasting " time on R ( which i don't tink so )... though what i knoe is that mi waiting for R to love me back is an impossible task~~... when J says tat, i reallie haf nuthin to say.. it's quite true in a way.. i'm teaching others but i do not knoe how to use it on myself... toopid me,. right?
p.s.: i'm your grand senior~~~ you first three months in vj, right? i juz graduated from there.. now waiting for results.. enjoy your stay in vjc... it's reallie great.. gd luck for your O's...
=) grand senior. hahaha how nice. hee~
me still trying to adapt to vj. =)) -
dearest don,
thanx for the reply that u have wrote.. reallie enriching ( and long too )... must have took u quite a long time, ehz? but thanx nonetheless... i am grateful for the insightful view but as i have said, diff ppls have diff perspective, guess ours juz take on extreme ends... in my opinion, love is veri important.. of coz it not neceessary means BGR... family and frenz included too.. and in my personal view, i tink u r making too big a sweeping statement in saying guys like money and stuffs like tat.. maybe u r like that, maybe most guys are like that... btu not all.. frankly speaking, i love money too.. but tat's not the most important element here...
hmmz.. then again, why r u persuading me to gif up on everything and go enrich myself wor? mi main problem is to stop this dilemma... ending everything and b a erm.. saint ( w/o love ) is juz so not my life, i tink.. guess diff ppls have diff purposes in life... sorrie mine dun exactly met what u have mentioned.. -
and tank q uncle bear for helping mi to clarify mi not studying~
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dearest t|red...Originally posted by t|rEd:=) grand senior. hahaha how nice. hee~
me still trying to adapt to vj. =))
skali we turning this into a vjc forum.. heez~ but aniwae, i understand wat u mean by trying put myself in his shoes... actually it's quite smiliar to my case oso... juz that R neva rejected mi straight in the face... maybe it's gd for mi as maybe it indicate possible hope... maybe it's bad for mi coz i bearing hope when there could b none at all to speak of in the first place..
yesterdae J sms mi again.. while i was out... he was telling mi how much he miss mi and stuffs... but i din call him back.. in fact, i called R up.. but R was bz and sort of hung up on me... ... tink R at that time working or wat... but thenz... actually i ask myself many times whether izzit bcoz i can't get R that's adds to the thrill of waiting for him... could it b possible? i dun tink so.. but i can't deny the slightest possibility there....
actually i'm tinking of directly askin R whether it's possible.. coz now that mi waiting for him oso bringing him a burden which is the last thing i'll ever wanna do...
should i? -
not much time to reply but newaez......as usu, i'd say the decision to ask him or not is still urs n i noe u noe tt. =) somehow, i feel soooo weird telling/"advicing" u, in the sense tt u're like older than me, and in terms of maturity, u're most prolly more mature than me lo......so it's like i feel abit inappropriate telling u wat i think coz on the other hand, i think deep down in ur heart, u actually know n is very clear of wat u shud do. =))))
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thanx t|red... of coz i dun mind your advices... in fact, i greatly appreciate them as i get to look from a diff perspective.. and as i have said, age is not a determination of maturity... i think what u think is reallie much more mature than the girls in your age group...
well, u r right i a way... i knoe what i want... but what i'm unsure is what i SHOULD do.. that's why i'm here in AA, seeking a trace of light out of the pithole of trouble...
p.s.: so farney, we now both online and using this to talk, though we totally have no idea who each other are... -
not many pple can do wat they say they shld do when it comes to matters of the heart.. The hearts rules in this game, not the mind. When u really dun like this person, u can't force urself to like him.. But I'm saying still keep ur options open.. I mean besides R & J..
As for R, I doubt it's the trill, but I think u need a certain answer so that u will be satisfied... that is a direct yes or no maybe... Maybe like wat u said, u can be telling urself that u have some hope if R does not give u a final answer. but the thing is u really dare to shatter this hope??
Well said for the reply to Don, coz I think the problem will always remain as a problem unless u solved it.. I mean there's nothing wrong wif his suggestion, but I believe in ur mind, as long as the problem is not solved, it will always be there.
Dun call me Uncle Bear!!!!! I'm not that old... hee hee...
t|rEd mature liaoz.. call her Aunty lehz.. hee hee...
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Barely Bearing Berry Belly Bear -
Firstly, with regards to you and R, I don't see what you are waiting for. Ok, you might be a *traditional* sort of girl, but there's really no real barriers preventing you from further exploring this relationship. I mean, legitimate reasons for waiting would include physical separation (he is in another country) or temporal separation(he is really really busy at the moment). Waiting for the sake of waiting is pointless. Bear in mind that a lot of people are waiting because they have NO choice. You on the other hand do.
Speaking of choices, for pity's sake resolve your issues with R as quickly as possible so that you can choose which path you wish to walk with J. There is no greater torment for a guy then to be left hanging, getting teasers now and then but with no real answer forthcoming. If you know the pain of waiting for someone, have compassion for those who wait for you ... -
dearest hanabishi,Originally posted by hanabishi:Speaking of choices, for pity's sake resolve your issues with R as quickly as possible so that you can choose which path you wish to walk with J. There is no greater torment for a guy then to be left hanging, getting teasers now and then but with no real answer forthcoming. If you know the pain of waiting for someone, have compassion for those who wait for you ...
thanx for the replis... tho there are many replies before yours, i've chose to answer yours first coz i reallie feel that i have to hustify myself... i DID not leave J hanging there and DUNNOE wat u mean by teasers... frankly speaking, was feelin kinda agitated you said that... i's exactly that i understand how painful it is to wait, that's why i told him not to wait, gave him a straight in the face rejection!!!! it's kinda unfair to mi when u made that statement.. maybe u din mean what i supposed u have said, maybe u din get to knoe the whole story.. mayeb i'm being too sensitive...
but it realie hurts a lot~~~ -
*cooling down* sorrie for sounding so agitated for the previous msg.. sorrie sorrie~ and to hanabishi, i knoe u mean well...
dearest kofguy, thanx for sharing the story wif mi.. appreciate hearing similiar cases to mine... reallie happie for u to b able to find the light out of the problem.. and i do kinda knoe that it's up to mi to find the light... honestly speaking, these few days i've been thinking a lot about R and stuffs... not that i never thot about the problem before... but i finally get to see from more point of view... i realise that deep inside mi, i oso knoe that giving him up is a much wiser choice, juz that i never have the courage to do it nor the strength to b able to withstand the feelin of life w/o him... but guess i'll hafta face this some day, esp when it's so obvious this is an impossible task...
as for J, i reallie dunnoe wat i can do... hinting, straight in the face rejection.. telling him off kindly and even cruelly, nuthin seems to work... he understand what i am going thru... but he juz can't gif up... i knoe guys who r so .. erm... true to feeligs r hard to come by.. but... *sighz* i feel reallie guilthy for "ruining" his life.. he's picking up smoking again, then lately veri listless ( gotten to knoe this from friend ) and is even losing hope in life.. *sighz*
guess the problem lies mainly in J rather than R, huhz?
no.. the problem lies wif me~
[This message has been edited by Babyacid (edited 29 January 2001).] -
My deepest apologies.Originally posted by Babyacid:*cooling down* sorrie for sounding so agitated for the previous msg.. sorrie sorrie~ and to hanabishi, i knoe u mean well...
dearest kofguy, thanx for sharing the story wif mi.. appreciate hearing similiar cases to mine... reallie happie for u to b able to find the light out of the problem.. and i do kinda knoe that it's up to mi to find the light... honestly speaking, these few days i've been thinking a lot about R and stuffs... not that i never thot about the problem before... but i finally get to see from more point of view... i realise that deep inside mi, i oso knoe that giving him up is a much wiser choice, juz that i never have the courage to do it nor the strength to b able to withstand the feelin of life w/o him... but guess i'll hafta face this some day, esp when it's so obvious this is an impossible task...
as for J, i reallie dunnoe wat i can do... hinting, straight in the face rejection.. telling him off kindly and even cruelly, nuthin seems to work... he understand what i am going thru... but he juz can't gif up... i knoe guys who r so .. erm... true to feeligs r hard to come by.. but... *sighz* i feel reallie guilthy for "ruining" his life.. he's picking up smoking again, then lately veri listless ( gotten to knoe this from friend ) and is even losing hope in life.. *sighz*
guess the problem lies mainly in J rather than R, huhz?
no.. the problem lies wif me~
[This message has been edited by Babyacid (edited 29 January 2001).]
I guess I was projecting my own anger at you without getting all the facts straight.
All that stuff I said about leaving J hanging, that was meaningless generalization - my own stereotyped view of negative female behaviour. After reading about how you've tried to clarify things with J and how you even sympathize with him, you are obviously not that sort of person. Again, sorry for insinuating that you were.
I think I am coming to a better understanding of the female situation here. I used to believe girls just had to sit back and decide which suitor was best.
Now I realize the active (traditionally male) role is easier sometimes.
At least the guy can hold his breath and go for it.
If he gets rejected ... Well, he's gotta be grateful that at least he has a convincing answer to all the "what ifs". The most intense pain soon passes (coz if it doesn't you probably die from it) its the nagging aches which make it difficult to carry on with the rest of your life.