Very confused n insecure
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i am not too sure abt the timing we were born. and i need time to check this out. if not wrong , both of us are born in spore.
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Originally posted by peacely:i am not too sure abt the timing we were born. and i need time to check this out. if not wrong , both of us are born in spore.
Yup... check it out then tell me - if you wish and willing. -
Hahaha... silly MCsquare.Originally posted by M©+square:Are you really serious about this???
Yesh I guess so... need to train my astrological skills.
So when are we meeting for kopi in the future? -
Ha....Originally posted by Yunhaier:Hahaha... silly MCsquare.
Yesh I guess so... need to train my astrological skills.
So when are we meeting for kopi in the future? 
No porblem!
It'll be a short one....if i have the chance.
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Originally posted by peacely:
You mentioned that your bf is young? May I know how old are the both of you?
Although my bf and i r not together for a very long period of time (ard 11 months) , i still hope tt i can do what i need to maintain our r/s.
It's not surprising that both of you can be together for short term. On logical aspect, time might not be on your side for this relationship. The difference in both of your characters would probably become more obvious with time? Are you older than your bf? What are your respective educational levels for now? What kinda job opportunties are the both of you aiming for?
esp the times when we have got very opposite and different views to solve probs together and we dunno how to come to a conclusion or ans.
Though both of you might have quite opposite and different views from time to time, both of you do have one thing in common... Stubborness... Having opposite and differing views might not be necessarily a bad thing, depending on how you view it...? But the fact that each of you usually insist on your own grounds certainly does not make things any easier... The usual way out of the conflicts would be just forget about everything, kiss and make up... And yes, you're right about something... This is probably not gonna benefit your relationship in time to come as problems begin to accumulate and he starts to change (probably?).... Then would come the TRUE STRUGGLE of your love... What you're experiencing now is probably just the BEGINNING....
Normally what we will do is cond to express our views whole heartly , but we cant understand each other needs and views and by doing so , both of us r becoming tired and frustrated at the end of the converstation.
Each of you probably focused too much on your own stand? And like you've mentioned, both of you have quite differring views... Which certainly don't make understanding each other any easier... The KEY is to REALLY CARE for each other.. And this is quite a 'challenging' task as the situation would probably only work effectively if both of you practise the same....
This always happens and i m sure its hurting both of us. But most of the time , we really feel at a loss to solve it coz its like "i m trying to explain my concept to him sincerely and hoping he can do it my way or understand me" and hes doing the same to me too. At the end of the day, both of us r not statisfied with our conclusion and solutions to solve probs
FOCUS on the part of your partner and NOT mainly on expressing your stands and views... Try this different approach... Easy to say, certainly not easy to accomplish in your relationship...
what we normally do is to bury it and forget it.which is not solving the prob coz it keeps on happening for many times ,
thats why previosuly , i really got enough and i initiated a breakup (which i really didnt want to do tt)
Try to control your COOL... Another vitual KEY to the survival of this relationship... * We may be very loving at times coz we share the same stupid jokes and funny topics.but comes to solving problems, he uses a different way of concept from me. 
hes a open minded person and i m a very conservative person. he is sociable and i m more to shy and introvert . He always likes to be in the lime light in front of his friends but not me, i prefer to be the one following the crowd althought i have my own stand sometimes.
Side track... There's something about you which seems.... Hmm... Do you feel that you're always trying to give in to people and often feel rather repulsive about it...?
Despite of the many clashing character we have got, but i wun give up trying to neturalise our probs untill at the end of all my efforts, when i realise tt we r not going to work out , only then i would give up. thats why i hope i could have some helpful advice from ppl here.thks
peacely I LIKE your SPIRIT.... -
although i may be very enthu abt solving our probs and convincing him to speak up more so tt we can knoe more abt each other and compromising each other.but theres a big problem. He is a tough nut to crack , i describe him in this way coz no matter how hard i trys to bring him to be in a serious mood , trying to tell him how i feel or how i wan him to treat me to make both of us feel better, he would jus change the atmosphere to a easy going mood.
Its very very obvious to me tt he is not mature enough to handle "me & my probs" esp when he tells me his views tt if he thinks tt if he got any probs , he will solve it in his way and alone. he is more to the individual side. i m not trying to imply tt i am mature but jus tt , i realise tt the way i think abt things r more sensible than him.
& i know its a fact tt only when time passes , a person will learn to grow and be mature. (esp for both of us) The approach i use previously like venting my anger or trying to talk things out is useless coz i think hes not mature enough to think of things in my concept. Although we have got times when we got conflicts and no ways to solve them, i realise tt he is always trying his best giving in to me even though i m not statisfied with his ans. and now then i realise tt , i have always been adding "cant cope" stress on him.
Right now, i m in a loss coz i seems to find no ans for this problem.
But hopefully, i hope tt i can find a solution to solve things out and hopefully using a way tt he is comfortable with. -
I would also love to solve problems and challenges on my own...
Cause i believe that all things which had happened started from the very decisions we made. The effects of those decisions will affect others too....
imMaturity??? Nah...
It builds a person when their solving their own problems.
It builds relationship when they commit themselves to conquer mountains.
Girl, i'll suggest that at this time.
Don't cope with the probs and stress you have with him at least now. There's always time to 'solve' problems.
But for now, just take enjoy the ride with him. Stress-free and problems-free.
You know? In my personal experience....there are times when i just want to love my girl and let her know that....i'm willing to put everything aside...all those problems and knots we have. Just to enjoy the relationship with her and her alone.
I'm willing to just give in to let her know that....it's not worth it to pursue the problems and it only takes Love to remove all fears and troubles.
It's a guys opinion....and yes....i'm still facing the situation. -
Yes, u are right to say tt too. & the ways tt u solve all these problems are similiar to what he is doing right now. i guess he mus be facing lots of stress from me previously. and i didnt know tt untill now tt u tells me all these. but i dun quite understand why do guys likes to bury all problems instead of talking them out?
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You are then recommended to read Man are From MArs and Women are From Venus by John Gray.Originally posted by peacely:Yes, u are right to say tt too. & the ways tt u solve all these problems are similiar to what he is doing right now. i guess he mus be facing lots of stress from me previously. and i didnt know tt untill now tt u tells me all these. but i dun quite understand why do guys likes to bury all problems instead of talking them out?
It might help you understand why and how to prevent quarrels after quarrels.
Take note that men do not like to speak/share their problems when they don't feel like doing so. If continually provoking(note that i use this term...cos it is usually negetive sense even though you have your loving intentions) He'll turn back and release his venom onto you.
When you don't understand, then try accepting it.
When he wish to talk about it....he will....
Just be patient about it. -
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What's with the smile?Originally posted by Devil1976: -
I think you're doing just fine...? Especially like the last part where ya mentioned a Love relationship is mainly about LOVE and not so much of LOGIC...?Originally posted by Haven:What's with the smile? -
Woah...Devil is praising me leh.Originally posted by Devil1976:I think you're doing just fine...? Especially like the last part where ya mentioned a Love relationship is mainly about LOVE and not so much of LOGIC...?
Well...indeed Love goes beyond Logic. That's the wonder!
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Not totally... But somehow the idea is there...?Originally posted by Haven:Well...indeed Love goes beyond Logic. That's the wonder! -
i appreciate the advice u guys offered previously and i feel that whenever if i got probs i cant solve myself, i would wan to come here , hoping for some helpful advice for me.
A couple of weeks ago after we patch back, sometimes ,esp yesterday, i really feel there are probs.and i think the probs seems to lies in me.
We met up ard 2 times per week.and each time we got together, i always feel statisfied coz i feel that i m showered with lots of love. but , after the day of meeting up , i dunno if he tires to keep a distance away from me , or i m expecting too much from him. i jus dun feel the kind of concern he had towards me anymore. it jus seems to be tt the kind of concern n love seems not consistent. and its really confusing , u know.
for eg , when he feels like seeing me , he would initiate calls & msg esp after he woke up from sleep in the morning. then , the next day, it seems tt he forgotten all abt me. he didnt take any initiative to make a contact. even if i should call him, (there r times wherby for some reasons, his HP was shut off/no reception, and i could nt get through)
To me , he seems to like "VARNISH FROM THE WORLD" all of a sudden. and everytime this happens, i would feel insecure and wierd.in the past, i would get angry with him everytime this happens but not now, coz i jus feel that its useless.
This kind of things always happens and i dunno what to do abt it. everytime i told him abt this, he jus says tt he is busy . and there r times when he promised to call me to let me know the outcome of our meeting/outing, he would jus forget to call me.and most of the time , i end up waiting.
To sum up, i really feels that he a bit like treating me "hot and cold" which this really confused me . Most of the times, my emotions would always run from very happy to very confused and unhappy. -
I can see that you haven't buy the book by John Gray.Originally posted by peacely:i appreciate the advice u guys offered previously and i feel that whenever if i got probs i cant solve myself, i would wan to come here , hoping for some helpful advice for me.
A couple of weeks ago after we patch back, sometimes ,esp yesterday, i really feel there are probs.and i think the probs seems to lies in me.
We met up ard 2 times per week.and each time we got together, i always feel statisfied coz i feel that i m showered with lots of love. but , after the day of meeting up , i dunno if he tires to keep a distance away from me , or i m expecting too much from him. i jus dun feel the kind of concern he had towards me anymore. it jus seems to be tt the kind of concern n love seems not consistent. and its really confusing , u know.
for eg , when he feels like seeing me , he would initiate calls & msg esp after he woke up from sleep in the morning. then , the next day, it seems tt he forgotten all abt me. he didnt take any initiative to make a contact. even if i should call him, (there r times wherby for some reasons, his HP was shut off/no reception, and i could nt get through)
To me , he seems to like "VARNISH FROM THE WORLD" all of a sudden. and everytime this happens, i would feel insecure and wierd.in the past, i would get angry with him everytime this happens but not now, coz i jus feel that its useless.
This kind of things always happens and i dunno what to do abt it. everytime i told him abt this, he jus says tt he is busy . and there r times when he promised to call me to let me know the outcome of our meeting/outing, he would jus forget to call me.and most of the time , i end up waiting.
To sum up, i really feels that he a bit like treating me "hot and cold" which this really confused me . Most of the times, my emotions would always run from very happy to very confused and unhappy.
It really can help you unknot many things you're thinking.
You think we can help you here? Well...to a certain extend, yes we can.
But most of the people here could help by sharing their experience and knowledge they have gathered for years.
Why do i refer to books? Cos people have done researches, spent time to get their degree, PHD or doctorate by studying Human behaviour and Social relations.
Though it's theoritical and doesn't seem to help you in your personal problem.
I'm sure it will help you understand why and what other possiblities there are that your bf is behaving this way.
Lastly, maintain a positive mindset and chase all those suspicious, or disturbing thoughts away.
And then please go to the libary and get that book. Strongly recommended.
Cheers -
jus to let u know , i have read this book b4 and i have read other versions of it too. but to some extent, i am not very sure if its true.
it may only applies for guys on general only. -
Oei...... -______-Originally posted by Yunhaier:Gonna quote this (I am not a Christian lar, but I remember vaguely about this verse my principal used to say, then Gasband told me the full thingy):
"Don't let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith and in purity."
1 Timothy 4:12
CloUdiSm wrote: In love - chorologically age is nothing compared to the karmic and cosmic lesson you gonna learn and acknowledge. You could have a 30 years old guy - acting no difference from a 17 years old teenager in matters of love. Love is blind - therefore it sense people by it's 'touch' and faith and not by sight. And I am not that young either.
So you wanna show you ur G-string that day huh?
To Mc... yup, he seems serious...
& to Peacely... (Coz Dis time I took much time to read EVERYTHING... I agree MOST wif Yun & gonna reinforce his statements.) U as a Leo is quite open & blunt... (noe dat...), He as a Capricorn tends to be more quiet & deep... There r times U have to tink b4 U comment... (As fellow Leo, I noe... )
Actually yr galfrens ARE correct to sae U, but Yun & da rest here r oso correct! Every1 have their own views & r ALL correct... BUT its their own views... meaning in da end its YOU who decide dat matters... I can understand y yr galfrens said dat... but remember, they r girls... NOT guys... they r tinking & commenting on a gal's pt of view... wat abt guys? Remember wat yr galfrens said to U... dump da guy? Its virtually shaping U to a perfect person in their mind... Like U trying to shape yr BF in da 1st place... ironic, isnt it?
Actually when U took da initiative to reconcile wif him, U did CORRECT... I can sae he appreciate it ALOT, any guys would... U noe how difficult it is for guys to take da initiative to ask a gal he likes? Imagine da fear of rejection or failure? can totally shatter his confidence & there goes another good man... If da gal goes 1st, U score BIG wif da guy...
U may feel insecure, but U shld ask yrself y give unnecessary stress when its actually so simple? Juz love him! Dats it! Juz love him all U can, U dun bother by how long can it last, where is da R/S gonna take U, etc, etc... Coz wif all these "limitations", its gonna pull U down. Juz like in an exam, U aim for 70, but U fear U cld not get dat score, it WILL grind into yr mind till dat dae & torture U until U make or break & in da end, normally U BREAK. Let dat go... juz do da best, dun hope for anything dat can give U unnecessary stress... da more natural U feel, da better U can do it... in da end, U will NOT believe U can get higher than 70, COZ U dun give yrself stress...
My points here r based NOT on BGR... but more towards life... U dun worry abt all those unnecessary stuffs, juz love him naturally. If its meant to be, then its meant to be. Can means can, cannot means cannot. Dun add all those things dat CAN contribute to da "cannot"... -
The difference in here is the kind of preception between the two people. Woman, being on the more sensitive side - and when the kind of showering of love and concern isn't constant - they will feel it - its not suprising.Originally posted by peacely:i appreciate the advice u guys offered previously and i feel that whenever if i got probs i cant solve myself, i would wan to come here , hoping for some helpful advice for me.
A couple of weeks ago after we patch back, sometimes ,esp yesterday, i really feel there are probs.and i think the probs seems to lies in me.
We met up ard 2 times per week.and each time we got together, i always feel statisfied coz i feel that i m showered with lots of love. but , after the day of meeting up , i dunno if he tires to keep a distance away from me , or i m expecting too much from him. i jus dun feel the kind of concern he had towards me anymore. it jus seems to be tt the kind of concern n love seems not consistent. and its really confusing , u know.
for eg , when he feels like seeing me , he would initiate calls & msg esp after he woke up from sleep in the morning. then , the next day, it seems tt he forgotten all abt me. he didnt take any initiative to make a contact. even if i should call him, (there r times wherby for some reasons, his HP was shut off/no reception, and i could nt get through)
To me , he seems to like "VARNISH FROM THE WORLD" all of a sudden. and everytime this happens, i would feel insecure and wierd.in the past, i would get angry with him everytime this happens but not now, coz i jus feel that its useless.
This kind of things always happens and i dunno what to do abt it. everytime i told him abt this, he jus says tt he is busy . and there r times when he promised to call me to let me know the outcome of our meeting/outing, he would jus forget to call me.and most of the time , i end up waiting.
To sum up, i really feels that he a bit like treating me "hot and cold" which this really confused me . Most of the times, my emotions would always run from very happy to very confused and unhappy.
For your bf - its more about how he treat you when you both of you come together as a date - its when love is being shower and hugs & kisses are exchanged - of course, it feels good. But when he is working - his attention and devotion are gone to the work or the surrounding - the thoughts of girlfriend isn't forgotten - it is there, but not expressed it to you that's all.
You extra sensitivity comes from the fact about the relationship that had took placed in the past - which made you feel and concern deeply over little strange weird seemingly treatment you receive. You mentioned that you are expecting too much - the real reason is that you grew thinking too much - which indirectly sparks alot of unneccessary worries.
Advice?
You feel insecure, you have your own right to your own feeling. The next time when the both of you meet, talk to him and say that this insecurity is affecting you - ask him for a morning sms everytime he wake up whenever possible - treat it as if it is a natural action like opening your eyes when you wake up. Then if he don't sms that morning - for every two times he fails to do it - he owes you a day to company you go shopping or something - make relationship interesting, work towards solving problem and probably spend more time together. One stone kill 3 birds.
Cheers -
u know , i did told him abt this insecurity and he says tt this is the way he is.He is not trying to be "hot n cold" but this is his normal reaction.
& its also true that i am very blunt and always talk without thinking much.i guess he has been hurt by a couple of times . i cant help to admit tt i am someone who thinks a lot and constantly observed a lot abt my r/s.but i hope theres a way to stop this. Somes times when i cant think through, i feel very frustrated and confused abt it.
Now that i truly understand the reasons behind the ways he treats me, i didnt want to force too much from him to be consistent. but i guess, if i really got a need for some consistent concern, i would request it.
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Originally posted by peacely: u know , i did told him abt this insecurity and he says tt this is the way he is.He is not trying to be "hot n cold" but this is his normal reaction.
& its also true that i am very blunt and always talk without thinking much.i guess he has been hurt by a couple of times . i cant help to admit tt i am someone who thinks a lot and constantly observed a lot abt my r/s.but i hope theres a way to stop this. Somes times when i cant think through, i feel very frustrated and confused abt it.
Now that i truly understand the reasons behind the ways he treats me, i didnt want to force too much from him to be consistent. but i guess, if i really got a need for some consistent concern, i would request it. To love and being Loved in turn.... -
See that's the thing: differences in preception and expectation. To him is a normal reaction and to you; it seemed isn't enough which accounted for the seemingly hot and cold treatment to you and normal reaction to him.Originally posted by peacely: u know , i did told him abt this insecurity and he says tt this is the way he is.He is not trying to be "hot n cold" but this is his normal reaction.
& its also true that i am very blunt and always talk without thinking much.i guess he has been hurt by a couple of times . i cant help to admit tt i am someone who thinks a lot and constantly observed a lot abt my r/s.but i hope theres a way to stop this. Somes times when i cant think through, i feel very frustrated and confused abt it.
Now that i truly understand the reasons behind the ways he treats me, i didnt want to force too much from him to be consistent. but i guess, if i really got a need for some consistent concern, i would request it.
Think alot about your relation is good because you constantly reflect and improve - but to the extend of affecting this relationship, you need to cool down for a moment because all this worries and pondering will have negative effect. Keep things simple! A simple relationship will be easy going and smoothier for you.
Ask any other forum mates who thinks alot when it comes to relationship and they will tell you the same thing: It sux when you can't ponder through and get stuck in your brain.
Your imprisonment comes from the past and the fear of the future - learn to release yourself and improve. Once you get through this cage of yours - you will truely appreciate the beauty of your own love without the worrying and pondering part.
Cheers