*Troubled* by parent's objection
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Event though its already the 21st century, we have got the choice to choose our partners.but i am sure no one would want their parents(someone whos closest to them) to dislike your bf/gf.
Its true that in the end, the one whom we finally got married and settle down are not with our parents, but then, to some extent, its really a trouble to have the thought that your parents are not having a good impression of your bf. if ts possible, i would wish that my parents could jus treat my bf as a part os a small part of my family.
i am really being put down by my dad when he says things like ,
"even if all the guys in the whole world dies out, he would still be the last in my choice" OR " He is going to be someone whos going to make you regret what you do , don't come to me when you should regret someday in future."
" you are not going to get happiness from him"
its really very tormenting when i listen to such things. but what i want to knoe is , what could be some of the ways that i can do to let my parents' impression of my bf improve?
its a fact that in our 11mths to 12 mths relationship i realise tt he is young(21 yr old) , has no car, no $, not working(student), no stability and have got none of a typical husbands financial or personality qualities. & i knoe he never think abt settling down when he is so young. BUT i am sure these doesnt speak of his future. (btw, we are each other first partners) i feel as if i am stuck in the middle of the sandwich coz one side is trying to tell me , that hes not for me and pouring cold water on me and the other is like showing to me tt my parents' views on him are true.
my normal reaction is to get him to improve which i knoe this is quite useless coz i tried it b4.i believe that this kind of thing should come from himself and not anyone. -
Take your time.
Stay a couple, work on your relationship.
Maybe, when both of you are more stable, you'll make it.
Folks can be cruel. At least, if you want to be defiant, you have a definite something to be defiant against.
I have experience where folks' objections were not obvious, but insidious... ultimately, it tore the couple apart because they could not put a finger on things and when one of the couple saw something, the other could not, and vice-versa...
It put a lot of strain on the couple as they could not be united even when they were loving, committed, stable and in the words of their close friends, "made for each other".
Be strong... ultimately, it's your life, your choice, your happiness, your partner... not your folks'... They should live their own lives and NOT try to dictate your life. -
i am pretty confused abt whether if i should let my bf know.
i knoe he would feel hurt and "maybe quite resentful" , this may lead him avoiding all kinds of contact with my parents. over time, this may lead to a kind of "cold war" btw them. -
This is a decision only both of you have the right to make.
Do communicate well and honestly with him
Good luck... I hope it works out for the both of you -
Hi Peacely,
Hmmm I still think ur parents may just be right.
Love is not everything, we still have to be realistic.
Love can't buy you bread. Anyway he is your first bf,
so take some time to think over things. Marriage is for life, don;t let it be part of your regret.
But I still wish you happiness in whatever decision you made. 
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You don't necessarily have to tell him the truth... But you certainly can try getting him to work on his impression and relationship with your parents...? On the other hand, try to understand what your parents dislike about him... Try to have a level of agreement with them, and let them know that you'll try to work something out of it...?Originally posted by peacely:i am pretty confused abt whether if i should let my bf know.
i knoe he would feel hurt and "maybe quite resentful" , this may lead him avoiding all kinds of contact with my parents. over time, this may lead to a kind of "cold war" btw them.
Hmm.. How old are you and how old is he...? Err... You want ADVANCED STRATEGY...? -
Originally posted by Devil1976:You don't necessarily have to tell him the truth... But you certainly can try getting him to work on his impression and relationship with your parents...? On the other hand, try to understand what your parents dislike about him... Try to have a level of agreement with them, and let them know that you'll try to work something out of it...?
Hmm.. How old are you and how old is he...? Err... You want ADVANCED STRATEGY...? advanced strategy...... 
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if ur dad wans 2 b hard on u then u can do da same 2 himOriginally posted by peacely:Event though its already the 21st century, we have got the choice to choose our partners.but i am sure no one would want their parents(someone whos closest to them) to dislike your bf/gf.
Its true that in the end, the one whom we finally got married and settle down are not with our parents, but then, to some extent, its really a trouble to have the thought that your parents are not having a good impression of your bf. if ts possible, i would wish that my parents could jus treat my bf as a part os a small part of my family.
i am really being put down by my dad when he says things like , "even if all the guys in the whole world dies out, he would still be the last in my choice" OR " He is going to be someone whos going to make you regret what you do , don't come to me when you should regret someday in future."
" you are not going to get happiness from him"
its really very tormenting when i listen to such things. but what i want to knoe is , what could be some of the ways that i can do to let my parents' impression of my bf improve?
its a fact that in our 11mths to 12 mths relationship i realise tt he is young(21 yr old) , has no car, no $, not working(student), no stability and have got none of a typical husbands financial or personality qualities. & i knoe he never think abt settling down when he is so young. BUT i am sure these doesnt speak of his future. (btw, we are each other first partners) i feel as if i am stuck in the middle of the sandwich coz one side is trying to tell me , that hes not for me and pouring cold water on me and the other is like showing to me tt my parents' views on him are true.
my normal reaction is to get him to improve which i knoe this is quite useless coz i tried it b4.i believe that this kind of thing should come from himself and not anyone.
tell him tat even if hes da last person on earth u wun go 2 him 4 help etc
u must let him know tat ur aint young n e more
he cant run ur life 4 u -
dont try to go against ur folks now....it will worsen things and give them more reasons to reject your bf. take things slow and let them know him better and as times goes they will see how good or bad he is................of course ur bf must be of certain standard la
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Hmm.. How old are you and how old is he...? Err... You want ADVANCED STRATEGY...?
we are both 21. and what kind of advanced strategy are you refering to? i would be glad to know if theres any ways. -
you could be 80 and your folks 110 and they will still think you are incapable of making your own decisions!
that aside, do work on your relationship with your guy for some time.. who knows? maybe your folks are right that you are not ready... maybe you are, but never give them that excuse.
personally, I think your dad is pretty cruel...
that, being said, makes me biased against him.. so i cannot add more...
good luck and i wish you happinessOriginally posted by peacely:[
Hmm.. How old are you and how old is he...? Err... You want ADVANCED STRATEGY...?
we are both 21. and what kind of advanced strategy are you refering to? i would be glad to know if theres any ways. -
i am wonderin if what i am going to do is fine.
i am going to let my bf know , but not going to force him to neturalise the relations with my parents. but , of coz , i would let him know that i would be happy if he would to do tt for me. but if he wouldnt , wun blame him .coz i knoe its going 2 takes lots of effort. althought i know that i am going to be tolerant of these kind of critisim as times goes on. -
Are you the only child? Your parents' age. Horoscopes of YOU, YOUR BF, your PARENTS.Originally posted by peacely:[
Hmm.. How old are you and how old is he...? Err... You want ADVANCED STRATEGY...?
we are both 21. and what kind of advanced strategy are you refering to? i would be glad to know if theres any ways.
What are your parents unhappy about with your bf?
Occupations of YOU, YOUR BF and your PARENTS....? -
occupations:Originally posted by Devil1976:Are you the only child? Your parents' age. Horoscopes of YOU, YOUR BF, your PARENTS.
What are your parents unhappy about with your bf?
Occupations of YOU, YOUR BF and your PARENTS....?
Father : biz man
mother: hsewife
both of us are students
my bf and i are the eldest in the family
we are both 21. he is capricorn and i m leo.
mother is a capricorn and father is a (i dunno le, dun dare to ask)
i am not too sure what they are unhappy abt seriously,
but these are my guesses.
maybe coz, he is not stable financially and has got no husband qualities. and he is lazy and big sized -
Dear Peacely,Originally posted by peacely:Event though its already the 21st century, we have got the choice to choose our partners.but i am sure no one would want their parents(someone whos closest to them) to dislike your bf/gf.
Its true that in the end, the one whom we finally got married and settle down are not with our parents, but then, to some extent, its really a trouble to have the thought that your parents are not having a good impression of your bf. if ts possible, i would wish that my parents could jus treat my bf as a part os a small part of my family.
i am really being put down by my dad when he says things like , "even if all the guys in the whole world dies out, he would still be the last in my choice" OR " He is going to be someone whos going to make you regret what you do , don't come to me when you should regret someday in future."
" you are not going to get happiness from him"
its really very tormenting when i listen to such things. but what i want to knoe is , what could be some of the ways that i can do to let my parents' impression of my bf improve?
its a fact that in our 11mths to 12 mths relationship i realise tt he is young(21 yr old) , has no car, no $, not working(student), no stability and have got none of a typical husbands financial or personality qualities. & i knoe he never think abt settling down when he is so young. BUT i am sure these doesnt speak of his future. (btw, we are each other first partners) i feel as if i am stuck in the middle of the sandwich coz one side is trying to tell me , that hes not for me and pouring cold water on me and the other is like showing to me tt my parents' views on him are true.
my normal reaction is to get him to improve which i knoe this is quite useless coz i tried it b4.i believe that this kind of thing should come from himself and not anyone.
The issue: Parents involvedment and comments about gf/bf.
One thing is that this is YOUR first love and you are a female, being their daughter. Love is something that people of your parents generation feels that it can only come when certain requirements are fuilfilled - like career is stable, guy must seemed and look and feel decent, etc. People of that time don't start relationship at the age of say 16 or even younger. With media and news kept flashing reports on kids blinded by so called puppy love and did foolish things - it will have subconscious effect on them.
Few points that is definite in your case:
I) Your parents will worried more for you because you are a girl.
II) Your parents will feel that they have seen more of the world than you and their impression/thoughts about your bf will be more substantial than you.
III) Since you are a daughter, their desire of putting into good hands is greater than sons in generally. Esp the dad - who will always want their daughter to have good b/f. The mum only fear security and the can-he-take-care-of-my-daughter kind of thing.
From above: It will spark the kind of conversation you hate to hear.
Advice?
You can't change the root of their thinking because it is generation thoughts. No car, no career (still studying), etc is absolutely ok as long as he is still doing something practical like studying and not slacking his life away.
Regrets? Why regrets? Unless the both of you had pre-marital sex and a baby is conjured from that act, in which you will be walking right into what you dad had predicted. Your dad's words has deeper meaning, just that he never said it in full explaination.
The difficult part about dad stage is that ALL dad will feel that the guy would only want one thing from their daughter - prove them wrong and they will succumb and break from their aged thinking.
Whatever you do - think of the big picture and see if it is going to affect your parents impression negatively anot. Right down, the problem ain't severe, because its only a bad impression without concrete prove and situation/events to back it up. Once there is just one incident to back it, your bf can forever be condemn in hell by them.
Early impression, more often than not, is always wrong. If your dad talk about this to you again. To tackle him, is that you must speak to him in soft and low tone, to the extend that he could hear you just nice. Do not counter offensive tone with offensive ones.
Then tell him this: 'Dad, am I going to marry or not is a thing that never come across my mind. If the thoughts ever come across me, whichever guy it is, I will seek for your opinons on him, because is important and your views have its own purpose and stand. Right now, its not even anywhere near there.
Afterall, how I know the man I will marry in the future to be a good man if I have never been in other relationship before?'
Your goal is hoping that your parents would accept your bf as part of the family - but the first thing is to take things one at the time. Settle that kind of false impression that your dad have first, before moving on. After this, perhaps you could private message me or post a new topic to update us.
Cheers -
Originally posted by peacely:
SURFACE ANALYSIS up to this point :
occupations:
Father : biz man
mother: hsewife
both of us are students
Both of you studying what? Your dad doing what business? How old?
my bf and i are the eldest in the family
we are both 21. he is capricorn and i m leo.
mother is a capricorn and father is a (i dunno le, dun dare to ask)
Can you ask your mum what horoscope is your dad? Or at least find out his birthday and subsequently his horoscope from there?
Do your mother interfere in your relationship too? Or is it your dad which is giving a strong opposition? If your mum interferes too, is it normally of her own comments or branched based on your dad's comments?
You mentioned that your mum is a housewife? Is she occupied in her own ways..? Like... Does she help in the family's business or she have other things to do..? Or she simply very free type? How old is she?
How many brothers / sisters you have after you?
i am not too sure what they are unhappy abt seriously,
but these are my guesses.
maybe coz, he is not stable financially and has got no husband qualities. and he is lazy and big sized
No husband's qualities because he seems rather 'bochap' and uncommited in this relationship?
Hmm... He mentioned that he's big-sized and lazy... Can you roughly describe him physically? Also tell me what you like about him..? Like.. Which aspect(s)...?
MAIN ISSUE of your parents' concern should be BOTH you and your bf. With weightage higher on you probably (not to assume that you're the 'problematic' one)....
You're unsettled in nature, hence giving your parents the impression that you might not be making an appropriate choice for bf. What many previous relationships you had? If you have had failed relationship, your dramatic change due to the failure might be another reason why your parents are controlling over this one. Still, that has not include the fact that your bf is probably not a good fit in your parents's eyes (especially your dad's).
I shall not be touching on whether your bf is a good choice on your part. It's probably not the duration of around 1 year which your parents see confidence in your relationship with him but more of a worry about how he has been treating you in the past one year.
For now. To OVERCOME the impression, the LEAST you'll need to work on would be...
1. Show your parents that you're mature enough in your way of handling things. (not by arguing your way out pls.. It's by SHOWING it and getting their approval.)
2. Just your bf to treat you better. To buck up in his commitment towards you. You might not really be concerned about it, but your parents certainly DO.
3. Show to them that the two of you can be a LOVING couple. Not by putting up an 'act' (or more?)... It has to be GENUINE... Any 'faking' if caught red-handed would be GREATLY PENALISED... Besides.. It's not like your bf would be really interested in the 'act'?
Last but not least. Please DO provide your dad's horoscope as it's rather CRUCIAL to the whole issue.
Regards. -
Both of you studying what? Your dad doing what business? How old?
me studying biz, he into IT , my dad at interior design services
Do your mother interfere in your relationship too? Or is it your dad which is giving a strong opposition? If your mum interferes too, is it normally of her own comments or branched based on your dad's comments?
my mum's comments are more to those naggy types , not as strong as dad one. she would tell me what are the things tt i shd do to improve my bf and not put him down. Actually they cant or didnt stop us from going out , but they always use words of critisim.
You mentioned that your mum is a housewife? Is she occupied in her own ways..? Like... Does she help in the family's business or she have other things to do..? Or she simply very free type? How old is she?
she is bz with chores and baby sitting
How many brothers / sisters you have after you?
one each, sis is jC 1st yr, bro is p5
No husband's qualities because he seems rather 'bochap' and uncommited in this relationship?
Hmm... He mentioned that he's big-sized and lazy... Can you roughly describe him physically? Also tell me what you like about him..? Like.. Which aspect(s)...?
he is very big in size .175cm and 95kg
but he is a humourous person , easy going , cares a deal abt how i feels , and tolerant with my unreasonable acts previously. but dunno why, there is unlimited to the no of hrs he slept and he is one of those who is active at night and sleeps at dae time sometimes for my dad's horoscope, i need some time 2 find out -
Suddenly i rem that in the past 10 mths, we are really into very fierce conflicts and all my family members are aware. i am sure the bad impression comes from here. but i am sure that conflicts are really unavoidable coz nt 2 persons are the same. 
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Originally posted by peacely:
me studying biz, he into IT , my dad at interior design services
Hmm.. Ok...
Actually they cant or didnt stop us from going out , but they always use words of critisim.
Words of critism? For example?
she is bz with chores and baby sitting
Good...
one each, sis is jC 1st yr, bro is p5
How are their studies..? Are they much of a headache to your parents...?
he is very big in size .175cm and 95kg
but he is a humourous person , easy going , cares a deal abt how i feels , and tolerant with my unreasonable acts previously. but dunno why, there is unlimited to the no of hrs he slept and he is one of those who is active at night and sleeps at dae time sometimes
I see... You mentioned that he is tolerant with your unreasonable acts PREVIOUSLY? How's the situation like now...? for my dad's horoscope, i need some time 2 find out
Ok.... Suddenly i rem that in the past 10 mths, we are really into very fierce conflicts and all my family members are aware. i am sure the bad impression comes from here.
How bad is bad? How long ago was those fierce conflicts? Did your parents mentioned anything at all during that period?
but i am sure that conflicts are really unavoidable coz nt 2 persons are the same.
That is what you think...? They might view things differently...? Ever had any past relationship(s)? -
U SAY UNTILL LIKE U AND UR BF TOGETHER VERY DISGRACE LIKE THAT.. i am sure he will be damn hurt..
shouldnt each other feel proud of their bf/gf.. guy will change when they get married 1 mar.. u dun expect 21 yr old guy wif ur dad characteristic right? -
u need to show that ur behaviour, studies etc...do change for the better after knowing ur bf and not for the worse..that is the primary thing parents look out for...also does ur bf show no manners when he visit them etc??? such small details like failure to greet them will give ur bf an immediate fail grade for the first impression section....other things like showing concern for you and having ur advantage in mind and respecting u is also crucial to score good marks......parents r especially fussy and demanding when it comes to daugters's bf because once married...no matter wat bastard he becomes u also no choice and they really hate to see that happen
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dont understand why u gers are so into astrology. thinks its all a bunch of crap!!Originally posted by peacely:occupations:
Father : biz man
mother: hsewife
both of us are students
my bf and i are the eldest in the family
we are both 21. he is capricorn and i m leo.
mother is a capricorn and father is a (i dunno le, dun dare to ask)
i am not too sure what they are unhappy abt seriously,
but these are my guesses.
maybe coz, he is not stable financially and has got no husband qualities. and he is lazy and big sized
anyway back to the topic...
ur married to him liao hum?
anyway... ur dad might turn out to be right... at times, ur dad might sound hush, unfair to ur bf.
but from his experience, he might actually see ur bf as a worthless good for nothing bum. ur bf might be great in future but maybe now, he still dont have wat i takes. and ur dad might not be wrong...
plus he's a businessman for so long... normally they are quite accurate in character reading...
why not wait till both of u r working and decides if he's the one.. -
exactly... Love alone won't put money in your wallet... neither does it put food on your dining table...Originally posted by J fellow:dont understand why u gers are so into astrology. thinks its all a bunch of crap!!
anyway back to the topic...
ur married to him liao hum?
anyway... ur dad might turn out to be right... at times, ur dad might sound hush, unfair to ur bf.
but from his experience, he might actually see ur bf as a worthless good for nothing bum. ur bf might be great in future but maybe now, he still dont have wat i takes. and ur dad might not be wrong...
plus he's a businessman for so long... normally they are quite accurate in character reading...
why not wait till both of u r working and decides if he's the one..
If he's really serious about u, he should maybe try to convince your dad that he can really provide for you. thats a start... all your dad wants is security for the future.
theres this chinese saying "worst thing to happen to a man is to work the wrong kind of job, and the worst thing to happen to a woman is for her to marry the wrong kind of man" -
You should really think about it carefully
Your parents maybe right -
do u believe in him??Originally posted by peacely:Event though its already the 21st century, we have got the choice to choose our partners.but i am sure no one would want their parents(someone whos closest to them) to dislike your bf/gf.
Its true that in the end, the one whom we finally got married and settle down are not with our parents, but then, to some extent, its really a trouble to have the thought that your parents are not having a good impression of your bf. if ts possible, i would wish that my parents could jus treat my bf as a part os a small part of my family.
i am really being put down by my dad when he says things like , "even if all the guys in the whole world dies out, he would still be the last in my choice" OR " He is going to be someone whos going to make you regret what you do , don't come to me when you should regret someday in future."
" you are not going to get happiness from him"
its really very tormenting when i listen to such things. but what i want to knoe is , what could be some of the ways that i can do to let my parents' impression of my bf improve?
its a fact that in our 11mths to 12 mths relationship i realise tt he is young(21 yr old) , has no car, no $, not working(student), no stability and have got none of a typical husbands financial or personality qualities. & i knoe he never think abt settling down when he is so young. BUT i am sure these doesnt speak of his future. (btw, we are each other first partners) i feel as if i am stuck in the middle of the sandwich coz one side is trying to tell me , that hes not for me and pouring cold water on me and the other is like showing to me tt my parents' views on him are true.
my normal reaction is to get him to improve which i knoe this is quite useless coz i tried it b4.i believe that this kind of thing should come from himself and not anyone.