Me and my mom.
-
Originally posted by IamAngeline:Like all others have said, ur mom might feel that ur gf is a threat of snatching ur attention to her away, so that's y she feel so negative abt u having a gf...
Basically, I believe everything can be sort out if you should have enuff patient to persuade or convince her. Most important, you must understand her situation of bringing you up alone after ur dad's departure. Every single parents would want the best for their children especially in bringing them with happiness. But too, they would most wanted their kids to understand them.
Perhaps ur mum belongs to the type that keeps problems to herself so as not to let you worry/ even stress out. Therefore she chosen not to tell you, but she herself to bear everything..
Try to spend more times with her.. and step into her world.
Perhaps you can also ask ur gf to tok to her nicely step by step.. and gain her trust.. I believe everything will go fine for you. Afterall, everything is all worthwhile
Good luck
-
TRUST YOUR MUM. You'll eventually know that she's right, anyway. I'm not saying that ur gf is bad, but sometimes, old-timers, esp. mums, can TELL, & usually, they're RIGHT. Trust me, in years to come, you'll understand why she's acting this way, it's for your own good.
Ok, if you wanna save the situation, you shld find a good time & tell ur mum all the GOOD points abt ur gf, about her background, & that you KNOW what u're doing. -
you sure?
they MAY be right...
they're human after all.. with all the insecurities everyone has...
which may skew their actions and thoughts into destructive ones without themselves knowing about itOriginally posted by looksee:TRUST YOUR MUM. You'll eventually know that she's right, anyway. I'm not saying that ur gf is bad, but sometimes, old-timers, esp. mums, can TELL, & usually, they're RIGHT. Trust me, in years to come, you'll understand why she's acting this way, it's for your own good.
Ok, if you wanna save the situation, you shld find a good time & tell ur mum all the GOOD points abt ur gf, about her background, & that you KNOW what u're doing. -
Originally posted by De|usi0n:
-
To justfourseasons:
A very wonder piece of advice from you. However i guess the point where you mention "the mother-son relationship cannot be undone. But any BGR, any marriage, can." is not really true though.
Heard of divorcing? What about parents disowning their children? Perhaps at this stage of life, my mom and i haven reach the stage that we will hate eachother, but seriously if that's the way she is gonna carry on behaving, that will take her no where ba?
To ivan|:
Very sad to hear that story from you. Didnt come across many broken families before maybe becoz my dad died when i was at a very young so there's rare chance of me hearing divorce case around.
Anyway, Its not that i dont show patience and understand her. Its just that i had know her for 18 years of life already, the way she behave and her character, its already like "lai ru zhi zhang". Like i say before, i already tried talking to her, and also try not to quarrel with her. Sometimes her words are really harsh, but i put up with it becoz i believe quarrel cant solve anything. But what i get is only disappointment.
This morning, i was getting pocket money from my mom(i quited my partime work for 3 months for exams and projects), she was telling mi to sign in a book before i take the money. I was like "WTF? does u need to be so calculative??" Last time she did want mi to sign in the book when i took money from her, but since i worked, i didnt take money so didnt touch the book anymore. Her reason for mi signing it up is : "Next time u dun return mi the money how? I give u so much later next time u run away how am i gonna take back from u?" Haiz... its so crappy loh.. everything she do makes mi realise how ignorant she is. She give mi the impression that she give mi money onli becoz she is my mother.
I must add that there's times where she is very ncie to mi, buy food for mi.. blah blah blah.
To looksee:
Parents may not be always right. If they are always correct, why do parents and children quarrel all the time? If they are always correct why do they seperate their child from seeing someone they like? And last of all, if they are always right, why do some end up divorcing?
But ya..i will spend time telling my mom about my gf.. hope it helps.. haiz. -
well... like i said... there will be a stage when parents will change drastically... juz like my case... i din even epect my parents to disown me... i mean i know them and was born by them for a whole farking 18 years... but things will happen and pple will change... not suprising that parents wun change...
anyway... from wat i can see is a mother that is afraid of losing everything that she has... which is why she may change... the ,most significant thing that a mother will change is become paranoid and run thoughts wild.... u may think otherwise... but think bout it... evryday... they are always at home... no matter wat they face only the four walls... they can pass their time by thinking... which result in running thoughts wild...
spend more time with her... though i know this has been said many times... but it is true... keong... ur mum hasnt given u up yet... dun be like me... i find no peace anywhere at all... not in school not anywhere.... even my best buddy also cant understand what i am going through... one will really regret wen one lose the parent...
i will pray for u dude... dun worry too much... exams is around the corner... muz focus... friday wan study sdt together?
ur school mate cum fren: ivan...
-
SoonKeong:
What I'm gonna say next is not going to be easy to do, and will even draw disapprovement from many here. But its what I think I would do if I'm in your position. (Actually, I have a similar experience of my mum being unreasonable).
1) Talk to your mum nicely what you feel.
2) Most likely, halfway thru, you'll be quarrelling, or feel that she is being impossible.
3) Then just blow it out. Quarrel like mad. Don't need to with-hold too much, but no vulgarities, just say out whatever's on your mind (but of course not things that will hurt her badly, or insults, like maybe say she stupid. but more like, " You always want me to do what you want, but you never thought of what I wanted", that kind)
4) Then, cool down. Go out.
5) Go somewhere else to stay for the night ( or several nights).
6) Call home before 12am, to tell her you are not going home tonight or for few nights.
7) Give her all sort of excuses why you don't wanna go home.
After a few days, go home and see if she has sort out her thoughts.
I know some will think that its bad advise, but, seriously, how would she know the importance of listening to her son, till its too late? I'm not saying that mothers should let their son do whatever they like, but, parents need to know that children do grow up to become adults, and when their kids become (or is at the stage of becoming one) they no longer control them. They become their children's advisers. They can advise, but, they can'y control. If they do not learn their changing role, its inevitable that their kids will sometimes hate them for not understanding (who can tell me you have never hated your parents before? not very long, but for that split second, you feel that you didn't love them?)
its not easy to let go of your cutie little pie, but, parents will have to learn to let them go a little, so that they will come back. everyone needs space. their kids need space, they need the space too.
going away for awhile will make her sort her thoughts out. my aim for the above actions is to let parents realised that they cannot tie their child to them forever. The more they are afraid of losing their son, the faster they gonna lose him. if they give him a little more understanding, their son will definitely come back to his mum and remember her as a understanding mother.
true, maybe your gf and you may not be forever. but, i'm sure she will not be the only one in your life in the case where the both of you can't make it (I'm just saying if, not cursing you) the next one will come, and your mum still need to deal with it anyway. she will still act the same way, until something drastic happens. rather than watch you start to hate your mother day-by-day, and at the end of the day run off without her, why don't you do something to let her know, she is making life unbearable for you, and you really don't wish to go, just that she needs to give in a little, and you give in a little?
*Throw rotten eggs at me, I don't care. I won't take this down. I rather being labelled unfilial, than acting unfilial. I've been there done that, I don't hate my mum, and she understands my stand, and i understand hers as well. * -
It's a sad thing that you wanted to fell out with your mother over your gf. Do you think it's worth it? Your mother has been with you since you were born.
How old are you now? Maybe she's trying to protect you from being hurt. All mothers do that. If you find that things that she said are not very nice and hurtful, sit down and talk to her calmly and listen to her first and tell her your opinion. You just can't quarrel with your mother just like that. Your dad passed away and she's already very upset and what you did upset her even more! If your relationship with your mother is bad, how are you going to get married with your gf in future?
In this century, lots of people tends to do things when they think it's right. I agree with that. But you have to understand how your mum feels. Your mum branded your gf as an "outsider". To tell you the truth, she's right! Has your gf married into your family? Somtimes you have to weigh which is important. Your mum or your gf? What happens if your mum leave this world?! To you, it's simple by trying to reason out with your mother but in fact you are wrong.
From what you have said, you are quite young and you want to have your own life which you are still young and inexperienced! -
Hi Winky,
Your suggestions for the poster is even worst! How can you suggest to him to do this thing. Yes! Parents have to let go a little but the fact is you are their children and there's nothing you can change on that!!!
Asking him to go away for a few days, it's an irresponsible act for him to do. Don't forget he's the only son the mother has after his father passed away! What if something happens to him and what is she going to do?
Heard of "Blood is thicker than water"? What you have with your mother, you have to sort it yourself. Don't put your problems into people's shoulder to bear.
You are young and there're lots of things you don't understand. If you are sincere in giving him advise, advise him correctly or not, don't advise at all!!!!! -
blood is thicker than water...
but a parent must let go of her child if the child is to grow...
it is an essential duty of the parent...
a duty some parents never learn -
Hi Soon keong,
Few things to add. Your mother is playing two roles. One as a mother and the other as a father. Do you know how hard is to play these two roles at one time. She's playing the father role in your case involving your gf. If you want your mum to accept your gf, you have to prove your worth! Nothing comes for free!
You have to show it through actions to prove her points are wrong, then she will be convinced! Otherwise, there's nothing you can do. Your gf is nice and it's good for you. But your mum think otherwise. Your mum doesn't want you to be hurt if anything goes wrong between you and your gf, your mum wll fee hurt . Although her ways are overboard but you have to think she has your welfare at heart! If your gf is understanding, she will tell you or advise you not to go against your mum and both of you have to prove it to her by actions and not just words by arguing with her. It doesn't help and it will only make the matters worst!
Your friend said that your gf is a nice girl and you agree with them totally! Let me ask you a question, who know better? You or your friends? Being together , you have to observe her character as well! If she's a good girl, she will respect your mother no matter what! If she's not, then you can forget abt it! There are lots of things to learn and it will take time!
If you want to know my example, you can ask me about how me and my wife go through before marriage...... -
-
To ivan| :
Thanks dude. Not sure if i can make it on friday anot leh.. But friday school holiday leh, school got open anot ar? heh.
To winky:
I wun rate your reply as bad comments. Know you mean well
But dun think i have the courage to do that to my mom. Like what BLIM says, she is my only mother. Last time i did ran out of home for few hours due to some quarrelling stuff.. came back around 4am plus.. She was crying all over. At that point of time, i feel like an idiot. It was wrong to make someone cry, somemore its my mom. Although i do hate her actions sometimes, but afterall she is still my mom..
Btw, doing this kinda actions might stop my gf from coming to my house.. better not do that..
To BLIM:
I guess you sort of misinterpret my post and my troubles.
I didnt fall out with my mom over my galfren stuff, but more towards the way she distrust mi. Like i mention about the new house thingy? The way she said really disappoint mi.
And.. i already said.. if i can sit down calmly and talk to her.. i already did. Ok la, perhaps she is not married into my family, but she is still my galfren, is she still be rated as an "outsider" afterall? If that's the case, y need to label her as "Galfren" right?Your friend said that your gf is a nice girl and you agree with them totally! Let me ask you a question, who know better? You or your friends? Being together , you have to observe her character as well! If she's a good girl, she will respect your mother no matter what! If she's not, then you can forget abt it! There are lots of things to learn and it will take time!
The way you say it is as though "my friends know my galfren better then myslef". Omg, i think you really misinterept the whole thing. Of coz i know my galfren better, previously i pointed out that my frens also agree is to help rise the point that my mom is obviously ignorant about this.
i know you are being helpful, but i hope you could fully understand how my mom treat mi.. haiz.. anyway thanks for your helpful comments
Oh ya, what about your story? hope you can share it with us! -
Everybody needs motivation, if you'd found one, that's good. But honestly, I dun even dare to find a gf until I can support myself financially. Whats the point of using parents' money just to support a gf?Originally posted by SoonKeong:Thanks for pointing out. She did mention that i didnt have a career yet and still going out to find a galfren. I mean, please loh, what generation is it now? Wait until got career then find galfren? When until rich den find galfren? 10 years later? 20 years later? Oh god, i cant wait that long.
And i already found her.. realli realli love her.. cant lose her now... Anyway i think my galfren is the source of motivation that makes mi work hard now... serious. -
who's talking "support"?Originally posted by lem0nade:Everybody needs motivation, if you'd found one, that's good. But honestly, I dun even dare to find a gf until I can support myself financially, Whats the point of using parents' money just to support a gf?
-
Hey SoonKeong
let me clarify "the mother-son relationship cannot be undone. But any BGR, any marriage, can".
When a parent has a child, both has no choice wrt the relationship. The parent's blood runs in the child. Yes, the parent can disown the child in legal terms, but the parent cannot deny the fact that the child carries his / her genetic material. Wrt abortion, the mother can abort if she so wishes. However, the story changes once the child is born. On the other hand, the child too cannot choose who he / she wants as parents.
As for a marriage / BGR. A break-up / separation / divorce could be on the cards. When that happens, it is a decision / choice on both parties to call it quits. Other than the fact that one used to share one's life with another, there is no other links. That was what I meant as choice. Yes, there might be heartaches and traumas. But one made a choice. And one's blood does not circulate in that partner.
So, after all that is said and done. Are things better with you?
May i ask, what would you do if you were your mother, in her situation? Don't say "i don't know". What exactly would you do / say / feel? -
however, it is the parents' SACRED DUTY to let go!!
remember that..
you can destroy a person by not letting go...
the same blood does not flow in your wife? but the sanctity of marriage means nothing?
all children should leave the house eventually... when it's time and the parents refuse to let go, what kind of damage is done to everyone?
by letting go, the parent gains everything..
by keeping a deathgrip on the child, the parent loses EVERYTHING!!
that is the paradox of love.. parental and spousal...
and don't you people forget it!! -
Hey Bear
you are right that one should let go when it's time. However, should one let go if it is not time?
I too believe in the sanctity of marriage. However, my blood does not flow in my husband's. Nor does his in mine. Yet, from my union with my husband, our blood flows in our child.
Life is indeed a paradox. And so is love. I always remember it. Thanks for the reminder. -
you have a child
that is so wonderful
i may never have one.. but i've learnt these.. i've posted them before:
to all parents and would-be parents on sgforums
TEN THINGS PARENTS MUST REMEMBER
Children are not pets. The life they actually live, and the life you perceive them to be living, are not the same. Don't take what your children do too personally. Don't keep scorecards on them - a short memory is useful. Dirt and mess are a breeding ground for well-being. Stay out of their rooms after puberty. Stay out of their friendships and love-life unless invited in. Don't worry that they never listen to you; worry that they are always watching you. Learn from them; they have much to teach you. Love them long; let them go earlyOriginally posted by justfourseasons:Hey Bear
you are right that one should let go when it's time. However, should one let go if it is not time?
I too believe in the sanctity of marriage. However, my blood does not flow in my husband's. Nor does his in mine. Yet, from my union with my husband, our blood flows in our child.
Life is indeed a paradox. And so is love. I always remember it. Thanks for the reminder. -
Hey.. thanks for supporting me all along.. thanks The Bear.. clap clap..
I guess things are cooler now since my mom is not making anymore things that shows disrespect. One thing to ask, does parents like to control their children's life all along? Perhaps in terms of hobby, daily livehood, dating and studies.
I had a fren, he also comes from a single child family, family dotes on him alot, but tie him very firmly. Can tell he is feeling very stress up because of this, but he rate his family as the top priority.. feel sad for him though..