socializing skills
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i have this problem in socializing that seems to start from very young.
as in bonding with ppl, getting into grps for projects etc.
i noticed i seem to prefer joining ppl older than me. like last sem, there are some forward modules students, so they are older than me by a year, but i prefer joining them for lunch during breaks etc, rather than joining ppl of my age.
anyway this coming sem, they wouldnt be in the same class as me i guess. actually what worries me is that there are would be quite a number of pracs this sem, so i have to find grps to join for the pracs and finding ppl to grp with me is the major prob.
i dunno why but i cant seem to bond with my class ppl. bond as in, talk to them, being close or friends with them. to the extent of having no probs with seeking grp partners.
i have 3 sems left before i grad and it seems i will have to endure this humiliation when i have to go round begging to join ppl for time to come.
this prob of bonding with ppl has plagued me for 3 sems already, i feel that it has already caused a disturbance to my studies, in the sense that i always worry abt bonding with them that my grades are sh|t.
alot of times i feel that the prob is because i dont like to talk alot. it is only when there is a common topic then i will initiate a conversation or when some starts talking to me then i respond then there will be some chatting etc.
so i really want to know,is how can i improve on my relations with my class ppl and at least let them feel at ease when i approach them to grp.
i am not asking them to become best of friends with me in a matter of seconds or something, rather at least, can talk to them or grp with them with ease.
this has caused me sleepless nights for almost a week. and my term starts jan5. god help me.... -
/me pats bismarck
i want to help but i'm not sure how to...
are u a shy person? or umm.. maybe can try to open yourself up more, be more cheerful...? you can crack jokes to lighten up the atmosphere...
can attract friends also if u are humorous 
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frankly, ur socialising skill is a total seperate issue to your studies.
nevertheless, since u try to put these two together, let's try to tackle on the socialising part.
the questions to ask here are: what do u look in having a friend? why do you wanna mix with them in the first place?alot of times i feel that the prob is because i dont like to talk alot.
and the point to note here is that u dont like to talk a lot, yet u wanna feel bonded to a group of people. aint u being hard on yourself?
the solution lies with you. if you insist in shutting yourself out, there is no way u gotta make new friends.
for a start, trying mixing with your mates on activities like after-school basketball or soccer. you will naturally make many friends from there. -
Is it really that you dun wanna talk to those people or people dun wanna talk to you instead? If it is you then you have to learn how to open up. You could start off your next semester by greeting your classmates friendly when you see them. Say if you see A at the school gate, wave at her enthusiatically or at least say a hello. Talk to her and ask her about what she did during the holidays and stuff like that. Then you could tell her stuff about yourself later in the day. Thats a way to make friends. Maybe after that you guys could really be good buddies, or she may wanna intro you to the rest of her kakis. ^^
But if its the case that people dun wanna talk to you, it might be your problem. No offence but I got a classmate who is totally anti-social. At least thast what we have the impression of her. Nobody wanna be partners with her whether in practicals or projects. Why? Cos she is over-bossy. If she wanna be the 'leader' of the group, I have no qualms about it. But ordering people around, barking at us to do things that she wants people to do seems a lil overdominating. Buay tahan. :/ That kind of people, my friends and I will definitely steer clear and away from.
Best wishes. -
it's ok mooku.Originally posted by MooKu:/me pats bismarck
i want to help but i'm not sure how to...
are u a shy person? or umm.. maybe can try to open yourself up more, be more cheerful...? you can crack jokes to lighten up the atmosphere... can attract friends also if u are humorous
sort of. more accurately speaking is in a situation where i am with ppl i am not familiar with, i will only talk when talked to.
jokes ah? not really good at them. i know not an excuse but..i prefer listening to them rather than making them. -
for a friend, i dont have much 'requests' rather i simply hope that i can talk to them that's it. nevermind if we have totally diff interests or habits. i dont care what habits he/she has as long the person doesnt have body odour. i dont even care whether u have a bad sense of fashion or anything. i dont care if yr hair is rainbow coloured.Originally posted by www:frankly, ur socialising skill is a total seperate issue to your studies.
nevertheless, since u try to put these two together, let's try to tackle on the socialising part.
the questions to ask here are: what do u look in having a friend? why do you wanna mix with them in the first place?
and the point to note here is that u dont like to talk a lot, yet u wanna feel bonded to a group of people. aint u being hard on yourself?
the solution lies with you. if you insist in shutting yourself out, there is no way u gotta make new friends.
for a start, trying mixing with your mates on activities like after-school basketball or soccer. you will naturally make many friends from there.
for the part abt keeping quiet and bonding, it's i dunno what to say loh.i can try on working that since not many of my classmates went for overseas attachment.
i know the prob lies with me that's why i am seeking advice.
thanks anyway. -
hey i don't like to talk alot too.. and i don't bond well with people alsoOriginally posted by www:frankly, ur socialising skill is a total seperate issue to your studies.
nevertheless, since u try to put these two together, let's try to tackle on the socialising part.
the questions to ask here are: what do u look in having a friend? why do you wanna mix with them in the first place?
and the point to note here is that u dont like to talk a lot, yet u wanna feel bonded to a group of people. aint u being hard on yourself?
the solution lies with you. if you insist in shutting yourself out, there is no way u gotta make new friends.
for a start, trying mixing with your mates on activities like after-school basketball or soccer. you will naturally make many friends from there. but i can talk some rubbish and make pple laff. 
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just talk rubbish lar.. or like me.. whole day long only know how to crack lame jokes..Originally posted by bismarck:it's ok mooku.
sort of. more accurately speaking is in a situation where i am with ppl i am not familiar with, i will only talk when talked to.
jokes ah? not really good at them. i know not an excuse but..i prefer listening to them rather than making them.
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for the first part, it's neither. most of the time, rather it's a lack of a common topic to talk. ok lah, i can try working on tat.Originally posted by Dudu:Is it really that you dun wanna talk to those people or people dun wanna talk to you instead? If it is you then you have to learn how to open up. You could start off your next semester by greeting your classmates friendly when you see them. Say if you see A at the school gate, wave at her enthusiatically or at least say a hello. Talk to her and ask her about what she did during the holidays and stuff like that. Then you could tell her stuff about yourself later in the day. Thats a way to make friends. Maybe after that you guys could really be good buddies, or she may wanna intro you to the rest of her kakis. ^^
But if its the case that people dun wanna talk to you, it might be your problem. No offence but I got a classmate who is totally anti-social. At least thast what we have the impression of her. Nobody wanna be partners with her whether in practicals or projects. Why? Cos she is over-bossy. If she wanna be the 'leader' of the group, I have no qualms about it. But ordering people around, barking at us to do things that she wants people to do seems a lil overdominating. Buay tahan. :/ That kind of people, my friends and I will definitely steer clear and away from.
Best wishes.
i always wave hi to ppl when i see them, sometimes they dun wanna wave back or act blur or shy away. i cant do anything.
my comments for the part abt yr friend, i assume tat's not yr impression of me. anyway whether who's boss in the grp, i dont care. i dont like to boss ppl ard. rather i like to discuss whether would a person mind doing some part, and i dont mind helping if it's out of my scope and when i am free.
thanks. -
just to add on,1 thing is that my hobby is photography as some of u might know. but there are so few ppl into photography, that i can count using 1 hand.
i only know 4 other ppl into photos in my dept. 2 juniors, 2 seniors. -
does that explain yr 5100 post count ?Originally posted by MooKu:just talk rubbish lar.. or like me.. whole day long only know how to crack lame jokes.. -
*nod nod*Originally posted by bismarck:does that explain yr 5100 post count ?
i had a thread today about looking back on my posts a few months back.. heh heh heh. its 80% rubbish -
dunno why but i cant seem to bond with my class ppl. bond as in, talk to them, being close or friends with them. to the extent of having no probs with seeking grp partners.
I have the same god damn problem as you. But your a CHinese guy right? It should be easier for you, your not tainted like me are you? I don't get spoken to because I LOOK different, and my culture is different, and you people all say "what the fuck is this white guy doing here, lets shun him".
i have 3 sems left before i grad and it seems i will have to endure this humiliation when i have to go round begging to join ppl for time to come.
this prob of bonding with ppl has plagued me for 3 sems already, i feel that it has already caused a disturbance to my studies, in the sense that i always worry abt bonding with them that my grades are sh|t.
I'm going back to school soon, and the depression is coming back because I hate being in school. -
i guess to be able to talk to them, you will at least have to initiate something from your side, unless you have certain inborn charisma to bring them to you instead.Originally posted by bismarck:for a friend, i dont have much 'requests' rather i simply hope that i can talk to them that's it. nevermind if we have totally diff interests or habits. i dont care what habits he/she has as long the person doesnt have body odour. i dont even care whether u have a bad sense of fashion or anything. i dont care if yr hair is rainbow coloured.
for the part abt keeping quiet and bonding, it's i dunno what to say loh.i can try on working that since not many of my classmates went for overseas attachment.
i know the prob lies with me that's why i am seeking advice.
thanks anyway.
dudu made a good suggestion by proposing that you do some greetings when u get to see them every morning. i doubt they will be that rude not to return a greeting. a simply hi is good enough.
as i mentioned in the earlier post, if you really cant find yourself to speak up, u can always let ur actions do the talking... like joining them for after-school activities or so. -
hey u sound alot like me... i don really go n talk to ppl... i wait for ppl to talk to me... then i slowly open up... lots of ppl are like tat... but since there are ppl like us... there are also ppl who akes the initiative to talk to ppl... be ard this type of ppl... and you won feel so bad liao...
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Observe people with good social skills - you will discover that they interact (no doubt), but they also display good listening skills and their body language is positive.Originally posted by bismarck:i have this problem in socializing that seems to start from very young.
as in bonding with ppl, getting into grps for projects etc.
i noticed i seem to prefer joining ppl older than me. like last sem, there are some forward modules students, so they are older than me by a year, but i prefer joining them for lunch during breaks etc, rather than joining ppl of my age.
anyway this coming sem, they wouldnt be in the same class as me i guess. actually what worries me is that there are would be quite a number of pracs this sem, so i have to find grps to join for the pracs and finding ppl to grp with me is the major prob.
i dunno why but i cant seem to bond with my class ppl. bond as in, talk to them, being close or friends with them. to the extent of having no probs with seeking grp partners.
i have 3 sems left before i grad and it seems i will have to endure this humiliation when i have to go round begging to join ppl for time to come.
this prob of bonding with ppl has plagued me for 3 sems already, i feel that it has already caused a disturbance to my studies, in the sense that i always worry abt bonding with them that my grades are sh|t.
alot of times i feel that the prob is because i dont like to talk alot. it is only when there is a common topic then i will initiate a conversation or when some starts talking to me then i respond then there will be some chatting etc.
so i really want to know,is how can i improve on my relations with my class ppl and at least let them feel at ease when i approach them to grp.
i am not asking them to become best of friends with me in a matter of seconds or something, rather at least, can talk to them or grp with them with ease.
this has caused me sleepless nights for almost a week. and my term starts jan5. god help me....
People like you are very self-perceived. You contribute reasons for what's happening through personal deduction and reflection. But generally, its very clouded, because your emotions comes into the picture. (Dread, hate, etc).
Prefer working with older people? Have it ever occur to your that these people would require the same form of social/interaction skills you would empoly on others as well? (Irregardless of whether same age or not).
So what's the real problem?
Its within your psyche which contributes to your subconscious hidden behavior that you don't realise.
You feel that the wavelength is different from your classmate as you feel that you don't talk alot and probably different topic as well. In your mind, when it comes to your group of friends, you automatically shut off, which will in the end display, without you realising, body language that signal 'l-am-a-loner.' vibes. Others will catch it subconsciously and will not attempt a good chance to know the real you because their subconscious mind reads the vibes and acknowledge them.
Then you pick up their body language and feel that they are just merely classmate and nothing else. You futher distance yourself. And the whole damn cycle continues.
Its not the problem of being on the quiet side - I have friends who are so damn quiet, yet they don't quite experience the same problem as you.
Advice?
You can wall your mind with this preception and forever be stuck in the cycle. The keyword is 'OPEN MIND.' Recongise and acknowledge that everyone is different, therefore we learn, share and gain from one another.
In a group when there is a conversation between people. Listen to the speaker. Nod head/show body language that you agree/disagree. (Raise eyebrow, etc). Here's a secret tip - if you can't be a speaker, learn to be a good listener. It really helps alot to blend in whatever place/society you are with. Gradually when people knows that you are a good listener, they will talk to you. Then from there, you return their conversation decently. Of course, you have to show interest in what you say and listen, if not, people wouldn't bother at all.
Cheers -
Originally posted by bismarck:i have this problem in socializing that seems to start from very young.
as in bonding with ppl, getting into grps for projects etc.
i noticed i seem to prefer joining ppl older than me. like last sem, there are some forward modules students, so they are older than me by a year, but i prefer joining them for lunch during breaks etc, rather than joining ppl of my age.
anyway this coming sem, they wouldnt be in the same class as me i guess. actually what worries me is that there are would be quite a number of pracs this sem, so i have to find grps to join for the pracs and finding ppl to grp with me is the major prob.
i dunno why but i cant seem to bond with my class ppl. bond as in, talk to them, being close or friends with them. to the extent of having no probs with seeking grp partners.
i have 3 sems left before i grad and it seems i will have to endure this humiliation when i have to go round begging to join ppl for time to come.
this prob of bonding with ppl has plagued me for 3 sems already, i feel that it has already caused a disturbance to my studies, in the sense that i always worry abt bonding with them that my grades are sh|t.
alot of times i feel that the prob is because i dont like to talk alot. it is only when there is a common topic then i will initiate a conversation or when some starts talking to me then i respond then there will be some chatting etc.
so i really want to know,is how can i improve on my relations with my class ppl and at least let them feel at ease when i approach them to grp.
i am not asking them to become best of friends with me in a matter of seconds or something, rather at least, can talk to them or grp with them with ease.
this has caused me sleepless nights for almost a week. and my term starts jan5. god help me.... maybe you can deny yourself the comfort of remaining in your comfort zone, your fear of getting hurt and your pride. -
so...in summary is
listen and speak ? -
sian tiao...
next mon sch reopens. and it gives me the creeps.
later when prac have to get into grps..sure kanna tossed ard like unwanted stuff...
" eh u go join them lah
dont want lah. maybe u join them?......"
ends up, 10mins of pure humiliation. oh well..endured for 3 sems already..waht;s another 3 sems.
today go out and chiong arcade to numb myself of the anguish....whatever u call it...
aarrrgghh damn it...those ppl i can bond with are not in my class...sian1/2 some even not in the same course...
can anyone ans me? -
c'mon... come with us to sentosa on the 10th... do stuff..
what you need is to develop more skin on your face and go for it
don't be so moody and serious all the time.. talk rubbish with the rest and after a while, you'll get the hang of it
so, what say you? 10th? -
dun worry, no matter what problems you are experiencing, u r not alone in this world. Just remember, your aim is to complete ur studies, frens (new or old) can be made anywhere and if they dun want 2 mix around wif u though u tried ur best, be it.Originally posted by bismarck:i have this problem in socializing that seems to start from very young.
as in bonding with ppl, getting into grps for projects etc.
i noticed i seem to prefer joining ppl older than me. like last sem, there are some forward modules students, so they are older than me by a year, but i prefer joining them for lunch during breaks etc, rather than joining ppl of my age.
anyway this coming sem, they wouldnt be in the same class as me i guess. actually what worries me is that there are would be quite a number of pracs this sem, so i have to find grps to join for the pracs and finding ppl to grp with me is the major prob.
i dunno why but i cant seem to bond with my class ppl. bond as in, talk to them, being close or friends with them. to the extent of having no probs with seeking grp partners.
i have 3 sems left before i grad and it seems i will have to endure this humiliation when i have to go round begging to join ppl for time to come.
this prob of bonding with ppl has plagued me for 3 sems already, i feel that it has already caused a disturbance to my studies, in the sense that i always worry abt bonding with them that my grades are sh|t.
alot of times i feel that the prob is because i dont like to talk alot. it is only when there is a common topic then i will initiate a conversation or when some starts talking to me then i respond then there will be some chatting etc.
so i really want to know,is how can i improve on my relations with my class ppl and at least let them feel at ease when i approach them to grp.
i am not asking them to become best of friends with me in a matter of seconds or something, rather at least, can talk to them or grp with them with ease.
this has caused me sleepless nights for almost a week. and my term starts jan5. god help me.... -
x 2!Originally posted by weidev:hey u sound alot like me... i don really go n talk to ppl... i wait for ppl to talk to me... then i slowly open up... lots of ppl are like tat... but since there are ppl like us... there are also ppl who akes the initiative to talk to ppl... be ard this type of ppl... and you won feel so bad liao... -
u can continue to shut yourself behind those doors trying to figure out what could be a best and easy way out.Originally posted by bismarck:sian tiao...
next mon sch reopens. and it gives me the creeps.
later when prac have to get into grps..sure kanna tossed ard like unwanted stuff...
" eh u go join them lah
dont want lah. maybe u join them?......"
ends up, 10mins of pure humiliation. oh well..endured for 3 sems already..waht;s another 3 sems.
today go out and chiong arcade to numb myself of the anguish....whatever u call it...
aarrrgghh damn it...those ppl i can bond with are not in my class...sian1/2 some even not in the same course...
can anyone ans me?
but all i can say is that you have the solution all the while and you basically just wouldnt dare to use them.
u can justify all you want for your behaviour. however, none of your classmates would understand unless you start speaking up.
from where you stand, i know its pretty hard for you to begin what were suggested in this thread overnight.
neither will there be a subtle and powerful force to suddenly make all your classmates wanting to be your friends when the school reopens.
you can start taking babysteps and make yourself more available to the people around you.
already knowing what should be done but keep asking "why?! why is this happening to me?" or "can someone answer me?" is hardly productive nor constructive.
also, take what bear has proposed. start off by developing your social skills via those outings organised. -
tried talking to them by asking whether are they going to see this lecturer then 1 of them like give me attitude. the way he replied like he wasnt happy i existed like that. talk in that kind of low,dull, i-wish-u-werent-in-my-class mindset. somemore he sort of looked away when he answered.
nabei. attitude.
then the lecturer stepped outside to talk to us and asked how was my attachment in melb. then i heard the same guy asking another classmate where i was attached to. so i made a quick glance and mentioned abt the reputation of the uni where i was attached to. why i did that ? i have no idea.
then we went to a foodcourt to have lunch, then they talked so softly. anyway i made it looked like i was listening to them, like sit up looking at them, minimal contact with my phone(not looking at it at all)
i knew they wouldnt reply me or simply say " nothing nothing" if i asked what they were talking abt.
machiam like treat me like outsider. i mean like i tried talking to them but they all like "bo hiew" me
ah fark... -
doesn't matter.. skool can be brutal..
what matters is outside of skool... where there are people from more diverse backgrounds, age groups and stuff...
in the meantime, learn go out more with the mob in here.. make friends
in this way, you are better off than the narrow-mindedness which is so prevalent around skools... serious!
in the end, you'll be better off