'cooling off' period in a relationship
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sad..guess maybe my bf also??
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He's young lah, only 17 leh
Can't expect him to think like 20-somethg or 30-somethg pple wat
RPOriginally posted by ditzy:That day you said its a break, today its a temp break(cool off). Duhz. -
Oooh. I see.Originally posted by bladez87:kinda like a break but oso like a cool off period...i donno lar.but at least...we patched together le
lol shld b happy for me instead of finding fault lol kidding kidding
Anyway, your relationship is what you make of it. Its in your hands. -
Has he told u tt he wans time out? Ur situation is different, Precious, as I've oredi advised u wrt ur PMs...
RPOriginally posted by Prec|ous:sad..guess maybe my bf also?? -
Bladez,
She's made up her mind ah? Gd for u : ) But proceed wif caution, okie?
RPOriginally posted by bladez87:kinda like a break but oso like a cool off period...i donno lar.but at least...we patched together le
lol shld b happy for me instead of finding fault lol kidding kidding -
nO.. HE DIN...maybe im juz insecure of his coldnessOriginally posted by RainbowPrincess:Has he told u tt he wans time out? Ur situation is different, Precious, as I've oredi advised u wrt ur PMs...
RP -
Can't blame u for tt... But listen to the pple who've tokked to u in ur thread. We've advised u, & told u to be understanding, a new job isn't as ez as it may seem. Until u've been in tt position, or unless u remember how u felt when u were in tt position, it's hard to understand wat he's going thru : )
*hugz* Pls be strong.
RPOriginally posted by Prec|ous:nO.. HE DIN...maybe im juz insecure of his coldness -
Thanks *huggies*
Hope everything turn well then.. -
Yesh : )
Hope ev. thg turns out well for u : )
RPOriginally posted by Prec|ous:Thanks *huggies*
Hope everything turn well then.. -
thanks RP... but the truth is it's actually me who is thinking of having a cool-off instead. i tink i need the time to sort out my thinking and decide on what i really want. my bf has always said that i'm too reliant on him. so i tink maybe i can take this time-out to cultivate myself to be emotionally independent of him. the effect of every little thing he does is magnified 10 times more on me. and we quarrel alot... sometimes feel really tired as to why we always end up like this.Originally posted by RainbowPrincess:Hi Coco,
I wanted to present u a true & fair view to the best of my abilities, hence my later reply. Wat others haf sez'd may be partly true, tt ur bf may be slowly trying to break up wif u, but I feel it may Not be the fairest representation of the motives of the initiator of the cooling off period ( henceforth known as "the Initiator" ).
So after pondering over this, here's wat I think. Wat the others haf mentioned may be true. But there may be another side to it as well. We shd understand the motives of the Initiator, & examine the reasons why he wans to slowly call thgs off. OTOH, the Initiator may wan time to sort issues out without any "distractions" or "noise" (I shall define "noise" here as opinions &/or accusations/interference from another party tt may tamper wif the Initiator's ultimate decision).
If the Initiator's motive is to break up, a time-out or "cooling off period" may be his way of gently breaking the news to u, to give u time to adjust to life without him, & for u to adjust to being emotionally independent of him. The reason for this cld be tt he still cares deeply abt ur feelings, or, he cld simply wanna give himself time to get out without a big hoohaa. There cld be other reasons, but this will depend on ur understanding of ur bf to come to a conclusion : )
2ndly, the "cooling off period" may be due to issues the Initiator feels he's unable to resolve wif other pple interfering in the r'ship. He may be confused as to wat he can do to make the situation better for himself or both parties, or he cld be in a dilemma whether or Not to continue wif the r'ship. Added pressure from u or frens may make his dilemma even worse, & thus he needs time to calm down & think of wat to do next.
Wat u can do during this period is simply, Nothg. By all means, if u wanna tell him u still love him, go ahead, but dun do so to the pt where u get him even more confused, adding to the "noise" & pressure he might be feeling in the decision-making process, in short, dun smother him.
In short, sometimes the motives of the Initiator may Not be totally selfish. Unless pple haf been in the shoes of the Initiator, they wun totally understand the frustration & the hopelessness felt by the 1 taking time out from a r'ship.
Gd luck, Coco.
RP -
from each other?Originally posted by Gedanken:First thing I'd ask is, "Cooling off from what?".
basically just taking a break. -
how does a 20-something usually think??Originally posted by RainbowPrincess:He's young lah, only 17 leh Can't expect him to think like 20-somethg or 30-somethg pple wat
RP -
i'm happy for you that she chose you in the end.Originally posted by bladez87:kinda like a break but oso like a cool off period...i donno lar.but at least...we patched together le
lol shld b happy for me instead of finding fault lol kidding kidding
all the best!
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It depends on what the 20-something has experienced before. Was it sweet? Was it traumatic?Originally posted by Coco_Coco:how does a 20-something usually think?? -
but wad if communication ends up worse than non-communication....?Originally posted by Yunhaier:
Usually more harm than good. Not advisable to play cold war for more than 24 hours. You will get the chills and lose more than you gain. Learn the art of communication - it truly benefits a couple much more than non-communication.
Cheers -
OIC : )
Okie, so now u understand the position of the Initiator. Each & ev. Initiator of the cooling off period has his/her own reasons.
Yesh, I believe u're still v. young : ) These r lessons in life, dun be so down : )
RPOriginally posted by Coco_Coco:thanks RP... but the truth is it's actually me who is thinking of having a cool-off instead. i tink i need the time to sort out my thinking and decide on what i really want. my bf has always said that i'm too reliant on him. so i tink maybe i can take this time-out to cultivate myself to be emotionally independent of him. the effect of every little thing he does is magnified 10 times more on me. and we quarrel alot... sometimes feel really tired as to why we always end up like this. -
My dear girl : )
How am I to explain this to u? U will noe this only after u've reached ur 20s. I was juz making a general statement.
Alrite, GENERALLY speaking, a 20-somethg wld've gone thru more experiences & learnt more abt life than someone in their teens. Likewise, 30-somethgs, 40-somethgs & 50-somethgs differ in their thinking due to wat they've seen/heard/experienced in life : )
HOWEVER, there're always exceptions to the rule. Sometimes u find the younger ones teaching the older ones a thg or 2. Or u wld remind the older ones of the brashness & fun of their younger times.
There're oso v. experienced 20-somethgs & v. clueless 50-somethgs.
It all depends on the indiv : )
RPOriginally posted by Coco_Coco:how does a 20-something usually think?? -
Exactly.. and everyone is different, i think in your teens there are better things to do than worry about this freak who doesn't give two hoots about you.
There are plenty more single men out there. I know it is cliche, but no one can tell you what a person who is in the 20s think. I mean, RP thought i was in my 30s' hehehehehehe..
Sometimes you just gotta know when to let go. If you 'cool' off or whatever, you'll realise that #1) you dont need him in your life cos he's nothing but worries and trouble. #2) you'll be able to enjoy yourself with your friends at pubs (if you have the money) better. Least you don't have to worry about whether he will be jealous. If you're 16 or something, go back home and study!! -
Lingos, yah lah U're a v. strong woman wat
RPOriginally posted by Lingos:Exactly.. and everyone is different, i think in your teens there are better things to do than worry about this freak who doesn't give two hoots about you.
There are plenty more single men out there. I know it is cliche, but no one can tell you what a person who is in the 20s think. I mean, RP thought i was in my 30s' hehehehehehe..
Sometimes you just gotta know when to let go. If you 'cool' off or whatever, you'll realise that #1) you dont need him in your life cos he's nothing but worries and trouble. #2) you'll be able to enjoy yourself with your friends at pubs (if you have the money) better. Least you don't have to worry about whether he will be jealous. If you're 16 or something, go back home and study!! -
it takes alot of courage to be able to let go.Originally posted by Lingos:Exactly.. and everyone is different, i think in your teens there are better things to do than worry about this freak who doesn't give two hoots about you.
There are plenty more single men out there. I know it is cliche, but no one can tell you what a person who is in the 20s think. I mean, RP thought i was in my 30s' hehehehehehe..
Sometimes you just gotta know when to let go. If you 'cool' off or whatever, you'll realise that #1) you dont need him in your life cos he's nothing but worries and trouble. #2) you'll be able to enjoy yourself with your friends at pubs (if you have the money) better. Least you don't have to worry about whether he will be jealous. If you're 16 or something, go back home and study!!
well... think all relationships, no matter with which guy, will give u some worries and trouble at some points in time. it's sad when at the end of it, u rem nothing of the sweet times but all of the worries and trouble. -
yepz... i'm learning...Originally posted by RainbowPrincess:OIC : )
Okie, so now u understand the position of the Initiator. Each & ev. Initiator of the cooling off period has his/her own reasons.
Yesh, I believe u're still v. young : ) These r lessons in life, dun be so down : )
RP -
hmmm... then how about u? u r in ur 20s now rite?Originally posted by RainbowPrincess:My dear girl : )
How am I to explain this to u? U will noe this only after u've reached ur 20s. I was juz making a general statement.
Alrite, GENERALLY speaking, a 20-somethg wld've gone thru more experiences & learnt more abt life than someone in their teens. Likewise, 30-somethgs, 40-somethgs & 50-somethgs differ in their thinking due to wat they've seen/heard/experienced in life : )
HOWEVER, there're always exceptions to the rule. Sometimes u find the younger ones teaching the older ones a thg or 2. Or u wld remind the older ones of the brashness & fun of their younger times.
There're oso v. experienced 20-somethgs & v. clueless 50-somethgs.
It all depends on the indiv : )
RP
how do u feel and think about certain issues, esp on relationships?? -
agree... you really sound strong.Originally posted by RainbowPrincess:Lingos, yah lah U're a v. strong woman wat
RP -
Originally posted by Coco_Coco:but wad if communication ends up worse than non-communication....? The problem with couples is that they always feel that speaking would be worst than not talking when in fact they are the one putting the barrier themselves. If you Ended-up-worst than communicating, it can only be attribute to two factors:
I) Wrong use of tact in communication. In communicate, we achieve mutual solution or what Organizational Behaviour calls it win-win solution. In love, yes - acceptance and compromising. Tone of speech, emotions and temper has to be in check.
II) When one side refuse to speak. Communication can only happens in pair. You can't speak to yourself ya?
One proven fact in all relationship studies is that, most problems origin from non-communication. Sure, few critical issues in love needs more than just plain communication - but certainly without them, you are bound to inflict fractures all over your relationship. And when you both panic and wishes to talk because the relationship is so badly damaged - you both never knew where to start the repair.
Some objective of communication is to to understand, place empathy and seek preception/feelings/thoughts/etc from the other party. The more we learn about our personal problems, the more we can see solutions to it. And when both side tries to look for solution - the more effective our solutions is.
Cheers -
There was once my friend who i knew from Sec sch told me about a year ago that I was the most 'normal' girl in school. I asked what did she mean. She said, i didn't have dramas when I was in a relationship in school. Other girls used to lie that they were pregnant and stuff. HAHAH.. now that I think back, i also felt the same way. I was with someone just for the sake of being with someone. I was never happy or comfortable to be with him.
He never let me meet his parents and I thought he was dodgy cos he had other girls' msgs in his mobile. Hehhee.. oh dear... Lingos was very sneaky once. Anyway he told me that he was going to China for a biz trip. We were mucking around to get these guys' office voicemail msg to hear their voice. His was that he was on annual leave. So i cracked it and messaged him that he was lying to me. I think he got the message when I ignored his phone calls and sms. Anyway, after like one week of doing what I want to do and not having to get his BS sms of meet me downstairs in 20 mins.. i felt so free! So anyway i've learnt that it's better to be alone and free than be in a bad relationship.