Advice Needed.....
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Got a qus,my Gf & me already starting of the 5th year, but somehow she say "There is Ai but no Qing" wat does tat mean?i always tot i very fortunate to hv her but somehow dunno wat happened, it turn out to be lik this.She's staying with me ,we now still together, is it very bad to control her not to hv late nights out?, i sometime very "big man idea" in chinese....Ladies & Gentleman, pls advice me ,headache liao!!!
Please help,dun suan or gv those "cock ideas", i very stress liao, mayb can tink of some damm power ways to turn the situation around?Thanks in advance....sorry if i use those offensive words, i really cannot think much...out of job, still hv to pay vehicle,insurance coming.... den she lik tat.or issit bcos no money? -
5th year already....
Perhaps she is getting tired liao...
Fret not dude...
Now things may seem to going downhill for u...but it wun be for long...
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First, you can try talking it out with her. "Ai but no Qing" is rather vague. Find out what the real problem is. If she really loves you, she should love you even in the most unlovable situations. Meaning "being there for you thru good and bad times". It does sound cliche but it does hold true.
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This is my GUESS and only a PERSONAL OPINION. It don't neccessarily have to reflect any truth.Originally posted by bo liao:Got a qus,my Gf & me already starting of the 5th year, but somehow she say "There is Ai but no Qing" wat does tat mean?i always tot i very fortunate to hv her but somehow dunno wat happened, it turn out to be lik this.She's staying with me ,we now still together, is it very bad to control her not to hv late nights out?, i sometime very "big man idea" in chinese....Ladies & Gentleman, pls advice me ,headache liao!!!
Please help,dun suan or gv those "cock ideas", i very stress liao, mayb can tink of some damm power ways to turn the situation around?Thanks in advance....sorry if i use those offensive words, i really cannot think much...out of job, still hv to pay vehicle,insurance coming.... den she lik tat.or issit bcos no money?
She feels much LOVE, but no basis for the relationship. Meaning foundation is not strong enough. It COULD (and maybe only) also mean that she thinks this relationship is going nowhere far.
Could it be that you're not giving her enough sense of security or commitment? -
well i can't understand by the phrase "ai but no qing".....tsk tsk tsk the problem with girls....no $$ could be a big problem. most girls are materialistic and depends on your gf since u noe her 4 5 yrs liao. anyway maybe u ask her directly since u 2 together so long, think should communicate on such matters openly, if not getting nowhere.Originally posted by bo liao:Got a qus,my Gf & me already starting of the 5th year, but somehow she say "There is Ai but no Qing" wat does tat mean?i always tot i very fortunate to hv her but somehow dunno wat happened, it turn out to be lik this.She's staying with me ,we now still together, is it very bad to control her not to hv late nights out?, i sometime very "big man idea" in chinese....Ladies & Gentleman, pls advice me ,headache liao!!!
Please help,dun suan or gv those "cock ideas", i very stress liao, mayb can tink of some damm power ways to turn the situation around?Thanks in advance....sorry if i use those offensive words, i really cannot think much...out of job, still hv to pay vehicle,insurance coming.... den she lik tat.or issit bcos no money?
u should try to get a job, maybe even part time to have some income, no income = insecurity and no future. live together she'll noe what u do day in day out so maybe get a life also and dun be too homely or whatsoever(maybe u r not so already i dun know). a man should be the main bread winner. -
she's hinting for MARRIAGE, dude!
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thanks for te advice.very true especially te part she know at i do day in day out,really got to get a job fast.
Another thing is she is 1&half yr older den me...she ever said "she pamper me more den i pamper her"mayb true..????dunno lea...
What is the sence or security or"An quan Gan" how to show or what i do den she will feel it....er...if got female see this post, pls help by mayb telling me,how u lik ur bf to treat u..wat to do & wat not to do...cos i really lik "drowning in the sea & there is no shore" as last dec orginally going to ROM but till now,...sigh...really "mouth stuck dick"
Although i'm stil very new to post in the forum but i greatly appriciate the help i'm getting from te moderators & members.....
Thanks A Million....
Headache Guy -
Er...moderator, u born in 1976?good liao,older so can think better & also lots of life experiances....well..u say the foundation not strong, wat does that mean?i dun quite understand,can define for me?
Marriage i last time drag & drag, till last dec, i really wanted to go but she "siam!!!"....mayb thats y she feel that te relationship could not go any futher? -
Things are all rather vague for now. For a starter I can only based my ASSUMPTIONS on GUESSINGS...Originally posted by bo liao:Er...moderator, u born in 1976?good liao,older so can think better & also lots of life experiances....well..u say the foundation not strong, wat does that mean?i dun quite understand,can define for me?
Marriage i last time drag & drag, till last dec, i really wanted to go but she "siam!!!"....mayb thats y she feel that te relationship could not go any futher?
Directly speaking, I wasn't the one who said the foundation is not strong enough. I just made an assumption that this is probably what she meant. Saying that the foundation is not strong enough is just an indirect way of saying that she don't have certain sense of security in you.
A good GUESS would be your career and perhaps financial stability. It may also implies your attitude - meaning the way you do and handle things or your sense of achievement in life disappoints her.
May I know both your age? Is she working? What do you do to pass off your time normally? -
well,from the way u put it, it seems to be true on my part,mayb there r things i do tat disappoint her...
She orginally work in mount elizerbird hospital ,for 1 week den never work liao.now she work in a pub in tanjong paga there, know many other guys...which i'm stuck,also cannot ask her to stop knowing them cos she working...den she gv her hp num to other guys n secretly mes....which i caught her...but i also bo bian lar...wat can i do, cannot say stop her from knowing friends mah...
She turning 24 when reach her birthday, i 22 tis yr. i work part-time some-time cos no cert... -
Originally posted by bo liao:Got a qus,my Gf & me already starting of the 5th year, but somehow she say "There is Ai but no Qing" wat does tat mean?i always tot i very fortunate to hv her but somehow dunno wat happened, it turn out to be lik this.She's staying with me ,we now still together, is it very bad to control her not to hv late nights out?, i sometime very "big man idea" in chinese....Ladies & Gentleman, pls advice me ,headache liao!!!
Please help,dun suan or gv those "cock ideas", i very stress liao, mayb can tink of some damm power ways to turn the situation around?Thanks in advance....sorry if i use those offensive words, i really cannot think much...out of job, still hv to pay vehicle,insurance coming.... den she lik tat.or issit bcos no money?
Ai no qing as good as saying staying together for the sake of being together.
Allow me to warn you: Possessiveness and control-freak ALWAYS lose out in the long run. If I was a competitor trying to chase someone who is attached, the best thing that could ever happen is that his/her partner has such flaws. Love works in such a way that the more you want to cage, the more it distance away from you.
One should always learn to tackle problematic roots instead of superficial short term issues. (E.g. Preventing her from mixing with guys limits her contact with other guys - short term solution. Long term solution is to address trust, personality and love issues)
You situation is a potential breeding ground for her to run away. Inner environment is screwed up while external environment brings in stress and possible rewards lies elsewhere. She already told you in her own words that there is a gap in your relationship - this could have millions of reasons, which I am going to ask:
I) Any past critical problems?
II) Broke and patch before (more than once)?
You said she is staying with you, therefore I presumed you both are cohabiting? Cohabiting never make things better. Furthermore, she is older than you while you are jobless and running risk into financial difficulty. Woman after their teeny-love, sees more of the practical side of love - that's where money comes into the picture. This is worst if she is a Taurus, Capricorn or Virgo.
Probably you may like to answer those few questions above, before I would continue my post.
Cheers -
tink u need to bcareful abt her new "frens"... but in the mean time get a job n make urself someone she can put her life on... good luck...Originally posted by bo liao:well,from the way u put it, it seems to be true on my part,mayb there r things i do tat disappoint her...
She orginally work in mount elizerbird hospital ,for 1 week den never work liao.now she work in a pub in tanjong paga there, know many other guys...which i'm stuck,also cannot ask her to stop knowing them cos she working...den she gv her hp num to other guys n secretly mes....which i caught her...but i also bo bian lar...wat can i do, cannot say stop her from knowing friends mah...
She turning 24 when reach her birthday, i 22 tis yr. i work part-time some-time cos no cert...
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Sounds like a childhood romance all grown up.Originally posted by bo liao:well,from the way u put it, it seems to be true on my part,mayb there r things i do tat disappoint her...
She orginally work in mount elizerbird hospital ,for 1 week den never work liao.now she work in a pub in tanjong paga there, know many other guys...which i'm stuck,also cannot ask her to stop knowing them cos she working...den she gv her hp num to other guys n secretly mes....which i caught her...but i also bo bian lar...wat can i do, cannot say stop her from knowing friends mah...
She turning 24 when reach her birthday, i 22 tis yr. i work part-time some-time cos no cert...
When you get older.. things change etc...different ambitions and stuff. I've been through that.
Honestly, why don't you talk to her and find out for yourself? -
Everyone has one like to have a sense of privacy and u controlling her? it can be quite strained. Nt coming home late and the certain tinks she ought to do in a relationship is by your own will not you teling her. U see the pt?
I don't like to be control by guys to wat i do. Of cos, being in a relationship, I don have to wait till my bf starts telling me wat to do, i informed him so he does not have to worry. My bf is very MCP and honestly, I do not know how much longer I can take. Haiz.. relationship complicated thing.
I as a girl prefer guys who can share my ambitions and goals. A guy who is thr to lend mentally and emotionally support. Money to me, at least is nv a issue. I will still be with him whether if he is rich or poor, gd looking or ugly ( to me this are all external factors which eventually cease when you get on later in life like your grandparents) but the beautiful part is how well he treats me (not in terms of $$) because that stays forever.
that special feeling goes on till u r old (tts is if one can b together for so long.)
my bf, I supports him mentally, emotionally . in any case i put him first but he treats me like shit and blame me and even claim I am the lousiest gal available on earth. piangz... tt kind of feeling... tts the last kind of guy I wil ever wan. (imagine spending the whole morning to finding interview tips and resume writing for him. and he says no one ask u do.) -
i mean she should do tinks at her own will like not coming home too late.
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Yunhaier,
after reading ur reply, find wat u say very true.....
1.)Past crucial problem,noting much lea...except i "big man idea,control,possive,which i admit...ya, still got sometime promise her things i never do lik.... go to ROM{very possible problem i tink}[now i want, she dun want], bring her to Mac eat breakfast,go out wid her brothers{also very possible,i tink},basically is those typical things tat will happen in a bgr)
2.)Yes, broke up more den once, due to stupid arguments..tink is my temper,i very easy face black black...
3.)yes, her father died,mom remarry,no place to stay,i also cannot say let her live hotel mah, at least wid me still got a comferm shelter,food,basic necessities wid life lik tat lor...
4.)she is gemini while i capricorn..
5.)But........lets say if u r my competitor,i as her bf dun cage her,let her do wat ever she feel lik doing, somehow scally, the person very caring,humorus,interesting,den would'nt it be lik i let her go lik tat,eg:"not dun trust her,not i hv no confidence in myself(now dunno) but jus scare tat guy more {true heart} den me"den die liao...cos she will secretly mes guys cos she know i wil be angry....which i hit te jackpot,possessive.
6.)Er...mayb jus lik wat BrUtUs's reply,hv to be careful bout her new "frens" cos i pick her up from work when she work in ktv pub in tanjong page there, ever seen tat guy,my gf very sociable & quite "lee-siao" type,tat guy wan to "sian" her..den mayb..get wat i mean, so i headache also mah, control or dun control also lik wrong...... -
Angles,
Thanks for ur reply & advice....well, she is tat type tat lik to stay out late in the night,sing ka-la-ok,chit chat wid her friends till 4am....lol,there was once for a while i let her do wat she wants as i working night shift to clear her $$ problem,which i tink i hv to do.
As she is staying wid me cos she no place to stay & no $$, she dun find work,everyday , borrow vcd,dvd,eat & sleep,den i come home,go eat breakfast,lik tat...weekends go the "pasir ris the...wat eliese park there eat "stingrey"blow seawind or "sentosa fishing,bbq,chalets,......i feel i did some of my part as her bf but i tink is i "Possessiveness " very jia lat...& i did not fulfill some promises to her...
Well, need ur advice,if let say u'r my gf(sorry,no offence,jus lik put u in her shoe)u no place stay(live at my place),dun find work,everyday eat,sleep,cantonese series vcd/tapes,do nothing for 2 yrs!!!!!,den not everytime but got movies,eat stingery,go mount faber,kent rich park,go rounding den always end up in marina south games/bolling/pool....blow seawind,bbq,ka-la-ok,pireted vcd to watch whole day,no need 2 do house work,etc i tis type of bf not not the worst rite,except i possessive & stupid face black black nia......
So if 1day, u feel lik very stress & wan to break up wid me,(sorry again,no offence), what can i do den u will drop the idea or breaking up or leaving me or the so called"Qing" can come back??? -
ehh how old is ur gf?~Originally posted by bo liao:Angles,
Thanks for ur reply & advice....well, she is tat type tat lik to stay out late in the night,sing ka-la-ok,chit chat wid her friends till 4am....lol,there was once for a while i let her do wat she wants as i working night shift to clear her $$ problem,which i tink i hv to do.
As she is staying wid me cos she no place to stay & no $$, she dun find work,everyday , borrow vcd,dvd,eat & sleep,den i come home,go eat breakfast,lik tat...weekends go the "pasir ris the...wat eliese park there eat "stingrey"blow seawind or "sentosa fishing,bbq,chalets,......i feel i did some of my part as her bf but i tink is i "Possessiveness " very jia lat...& i did not fulfill some promises to her...
Well, need ur advice,if let say u'r my gf(sorry,no offence,jus lik put u in her shoe)u no place stay(live at my place),dun find work,everyday eat,sleep,cantonese series vcd/tapes,do nothing for 2 yrs!!!!!,den not everytime but got movies,eat stingery,go mount faber,kent rich park,go rounding den always end up in marina south games/bolling/pool....blow seawind,bbq,ka-la-ok,pireted vcd to watch whole day,no need 2 do house work,etc i tis type of bf not not the worst rite,except i possessive & stupid face black black nia......
So if 1day, u feel lik very stress & wan to break up wid me,(sorry again,no offence), what can i do den u will drop the idea or breaking up or leaving me or the so called"Qing" can come back??? -
I suddenly remember one thing she say which hurt me after reading some reply again & again to get those advice in my head...
When i ask her wat she mean when there is "Ai " but no "Qing" she say is lik she no feeling liao, lik will not yearn to see me lik tat...izzit cos she sian or boring wid me liao or wat?although she say she still love me....
My mind only can come up wid 1 ans,she don't want to hurt me?Possible????
Well, i ever seriously think between her & me for the future, if marry,i everyday come back from work den she will say,i dunno how to cook, where we going to eat?& very lazy to wash clothes or do housework(which happen now already for few yrs..).... but now is even i know or comferm i'm in the losing end,i still want to strive for her,not for sex[(dun tink wrong) cos i hv a ex-gf also my buddy,if i wan can look for her....i dun lik to get cheated by others so i remain loyal to her only through out this yrs]...,jus that i dunno why i"fang bu sia" & if wan to start a new relationship, very tiring.....jus wan a peaceful life wid her til old is possible,cos she is the 1 tat make me settle down & turn into a better person cos last time i really lik rubbish... ....i really dunno wat to do ......
Sorry,i very "lo so",cos i dunno who to turn too, ask my "bros",they only say dun get tied down by a girl, i also not say ugly or look lik shit,if wan sure can get,this type of ans they give not helpful at all, so tats y i said b4 in my eariler post,[Although i'm new to post in this forum,but thanks to you people that advice me on how to turn the situation back,help me in finding ans, & mentally supporting me}really owe favour liao...
Pls keep the advice rolling in, i really already...sigh...... -
not "pai say " to say she is older den me cos stress liao...., she turning 24 tis june,i 22 only...2004 is the 5th yr....
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22, still relatively young. Spice and sparks in a relationship has to be contributed by both parties. Courtship does not end even with marriage.... the phrase "aiyah, lau fu lau qi already" as an excuse not to be romanctic is one of the worst things to say in a relationship, think you might be heading in that direction.
Do you want to settle down with her because you had 5 years together?
Or do you want to settle down with her because you see a future with her? Do see her being the mother of your children? Deciding about spending the rest of your life with someone should be about both your futures.
If you want to settle down with her just because you can't let go, pardon me for being candid but if thats the case I forsee problems in the future. Please do not get married for the wrong reasons... seen too many of that... -
Hmm..very hard to ans...
1.)5th yrs liao, hard to put down,is lik "xi guan" wid her already
2.)Future,can lor, but in terms of housechores..NO!!!
3.)Mother of our child ,Yes!!!, she is caring....
But now is lik we still together, but i feel there is no love from her to me,she see me lik very boring lik tat,so i tink mayb is she dun want to say the cruel truth 2 hurt me so carry on be wid me...
me & her seen many of our friends tat marry but in the end,leave each other,i dun wan things to turn out tat way,but as wat you say, hv to be contributed by both parties,now is lik she stop liao....she in te past still wil inform me of her whereabouts so i wun worry,now is lik she sometime will cal sometime never call......i only can "LL" wait...at night,call her to ask wat she wan to eat she wil say its excuse to check on her...lol....really headache....
Continue wid her also dunno whether wil she "fu chu" once again?Or wil i get the love from her i once gotten?
If Leave her again i " fang bu xia"
I feel i no "yong Qi" to move on without her, but i dunno why.... -
Don't think I would wanna say much for now.... But a few assumptions which I would like to add before I start work... Perhaps give you a more proper advice when I have the time to?
1. She's one who likes to mix around with crowds, friends and guys. So it's quite unlikely that you can stop her activities. There is a tendency for her to be flirty, but of course that don't imply that she's flirting behind you or anything.
2. She minds how people see her and how you (or maybe even your friends) see her. Even if she wanna break with you, she'll probably be using some indirect method. Kinda like the got 'ai' no 'qin' message. But don't necessarily jump to conclusion that it's a break off message.
3. She don't seems to have much choice for this 5 years relationship. It could also be a 'subconscious relationship' which falls quite a high tendency for someone like her to commit in. Probably she just went along with the flow. She needed you because you're (were?) just like a pillar in her life. Not that there was no love involved, but it's a subconscious flow.
4. She might have changed or be in the mid of changing her mentality now. The exposures that she's getting from her work and friends. If there're other options available for her she might be considering it.
5. Are you a boring person in a way? She probably can't stand boring person... But no point trying to 'twist' yourself to blend in to her taste, it probably still won't work out anyhow? -
Hmm... I am oso a Gemini super active like ktv late nights out but i quit this because I have a bf. I know what I should do and what I should not. Its not like because I like late nights out, I have every right to do that, everyone have a choice to do what they want. Girls esp should know what best they should do. Shouldnt she be the one cooking since u cant ? (normally guys cant). its ok i tink if her cooking isnt tt satisfactory but it is the heart tt counts rite?
Firstly, does she loves u like u do now?
if ans is no? than?
if ans is yes she wldn't be doing all this. Think again if you were her and you do wat she is doing to u to ur gf, whats probably your feeling at tt point when treating her in such a manner? (eg.u doing exactly wat ur gf doing to u to other gal)
I wldnt allow myself to do wat she is doing if I am in her situation. I will make sure I do my best and not allow myself to continue falling(like watching vcds whole day). Had she stayed cos you are willingly to support her at no matter what cost? so she climb over your head already?She can easily find herself a job as a salesgirl. Spending and not earning is not the right attitude in the first place. if she had really love you, she will help you financially and not wait to be spoon feed.
some guys are born possessive while others become possessive because their gf failed to give them securities. The thing you say about possessives, I wouldnt mind cos I wouldnt do them as a gf. I don mind possessive guys at least in a way they care(although some are fake) but I cant really take it when he fail to fulfill his promise. (than again see situation, there must be a reason y he cant fulfill a promise and if the reason is valid there isnt anytink to b angry about). Its about understanding isnt it?
(sorry but no offence) If I were you, I will seriously think twice about keeping her. Have you ever considered what your life in future will be like with her attitude like tt? Try ignore her for awhile. If she really love you, she will initiate at least a call or at least worried. Given she is the wild kind, if she cant b bothered about the 5 yrs relationship u two had, there is no way you can keep her, she might probably just ask u to give her some space(but i doubt she won cos she still nd a place to stay)
forgive me for saying. Her attitude only the guy will get stressed up and dumped her instead.
I dunno wat kind of gal is she but if she is those kind who only wan to make use of ppl and sit ard do nth, she stayed only becos of a reason (u noe wat i mean?) but her heart at somewhr else. if tt the case she will only come to u only when she knock her head against the wall and realise tt you are still the best.
I guess if she quit her night life, I don tink u will face black black and b so possessive towards her? -
Originally posted by bo liao:Yunhaier,
after reading ur reply, find wat u say very true.....
1.)Past crucial problem,noting much lea...except i "big man idea,control,possive,which i admit...ya, still got sometime promise her things i never do lik.... go to ROM{very possible problem i tink}[now i want, she dun want], bring her to Mac eat breakfast,go out wid her brothers{also very possible,i tink},basically is those typical things tat will happen in a bgr)
2.)Yes, broke up more den once, due to stupid arguments..tink is my temper,i very easy face black black...
3.)yes, her father died,mom remarry,no place to stay,i also cannot say let her live hotel mah, at least wid me still got a comferm shelter,food,basic necessities wid life lik tat lor...
4.)she is gemini while i capricorn..
5.)But........lets say if u r my competitor,i as her bf dun cage her,let her do wat ever she feel lik doing, somehow scally, the person very caring,humorus,interesting,den would'nt it be lik i let her go lik tat,eg:"not dun trust her,not i hv no confidence in myself(now dunno) but jus scare tat guy more {true heart} den me"den die liao...cos she will secretly mes guys cos she know i wil be angry....which i hit te jackpot,possessive.
6.)Er...mayb jus lik wat BrUtUs's reply,hv to be careful bout her new "frens" cos i pick her up from work when she work in ktv pub in tanjong page there, ever seen tat guy,my gf very sociable & quite "lee-siao" type,tat guy wan to "sian" her..den mayb..get wat i mean, so i headache also mah, control or dun control also lik wrong...... Breaking up anytime more than once is dangerous. If it fits under the category of many times - love has truely ended long ago. I hope you it's not for your case.
Capricorn? MCP? I can understand. She gemini? And she allows you to control her? Of course conflicts arise. Anyway, its not about letting her do what she wants - giving freedom to your partner is RESPECTING her personal and private space.
Do you happen to realise that if your girlfriend wants to leave this relationship by will, whether you restrict her or not has no effect at all?
Having no confidence is the usual psychological behavior that possessive/MCP guys always have. You can keep using this excuse to defend yourself, but you can't change your situation. It's not good and would create rift in your relationship. Living together - now reality-problems sunk into your relationship. You really need to work hard on your relationship instead of complicating it further.
Love Equation theory states that it has to be love > problems for relationship to be fulfilling and have ample reason to stay. Once love = problem, couple undergo critical problem stage. Love < problem - its time to solve root problems or you risk losing the relationship without you knowing. Love here refers to the intangible value of happiness, value and loads of other thingy, while problems refers to flaws, internal and external problems.
So she work at KTV pub? Do you think you can stop guys from knowing her, etc? You can only instill trust, belief and love into your relationship and hope that she truely knows what she wants. If you truely mind, then disallow her to work there and learn to succeed in life, in terms of career so she don't have work in such environment.
Find a good time, date her out and have a good talk. Talk about old times, and gradually to the present. Share a small vision of the future together and listen hard to what she may have to say in this talk. It good to soul-communicate every now and then - its time for yours to happen.
Cheers