long distance relationships - anyone been in one?
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no problem aargon kor kor, first argument usually is the best time to test your relationship .. well, nobody will want a breakup on the first argument, they will try to solve the problem.. so i hope you will try to give in more to her and appreciate whatever things she do..Originally posted by Aargon:thanks for your thoughts sylvia.
I've given my heart away before and its been bashed to a pulp.
It was the worst feeling in the world and I'm scared of either breaking her heart or mine.... we havent been through enough rough times to know how strong our relationship is... I think that is my main problem... will she leave me on our first argument? or vice versa....
couples do quarrel at times, it depends on how to solve the problem together, like if she give in to you, you don't do the same, isn't that unfair liow
so this type of things involves both lor.. not just one..
dont worry about the first argument you will meet, there will always be a better day ahead right -
Originally posted by Aargon:thanks for your thoughts sylvia and Shifeng
I've given my heart away before and its been bashed to a pulp.
It was the worst feeling in the world and I'm scared of either breaking her heart or mine.... we havent been through enough rough times to know how strong our relationship is... I think that is my main problem... will she leave me on our first argument? or vice versa.... 
take care dude... i know u are afraid of hurt and hurting others... judging from wat u said, i dun think she will leave on ur first argument... try to act according to situation... u need 2 hands to clap... not 1, if its 1... its meaningless.... hope u get good luck..
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lalalallalaa.. yup agree agreeOriginally posted by shifeng:
take care dude... i know u are afraid of hurt and hurting others... judging from wat u said, i dun think she will leave on ur first argument... try to act according to situation... u need 2 hands to clap... not 1, if its 1... its meaningless.... hope u get good luck.. 
jia you bah aargon kor kor~!~!~!
wooo hoooo~~ -
yo man. wat u can try is 6 months with u and 6months she can go back to visit her parents but u only visit her parents when u can get off lor. if i am not wrong alot of companys give their workers certain number of leaves. so u use that leave at the end of the yr or during their festive season.( japanese) isnt that wonderful? if a gal wants to quit her job and live with u that shows alot. that shows that she loves u alot. anyway she might also find a job here. right? if that is the case both of u can be together. if u dont feel like marrying so early live together for a start to see how. at least if anyting goes wrong u will not end up with a law suit. i know its hard to love someone fully when ur heart has been destroyed b4. but if u dont love u will never know. as for the gap. it isnt that big of a deal. u can take some japanese lesson. culture can be picked up easily. like for example. when eating japanese like to slurp loudly if u dont it means the food isnt good and thats is a disrespect to the one cooking. and also tea serving (that 1 i dunno) but if i am not wrong japanese ladies are to serve the guys and guest wine or sake only. unless u r with ur guy friends only la. etc etc . other than that their culture and ours isnt much a diff. they r human so r we. i dont think its just u who is thinking of all this problems. i believe ur gf is also doing the same. that is also maybe why she wants to come over and be with u to know more of u and ur culture. anyway give it a hard though its silly to give up a relationship becos its long distance. i have seen many do that ending up regretting it.
so good luck man
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You're pretty much confused and uncertain...Originally posted by Aargon:Hi all,
I would like to hear from anyone who has been in, or currently are in, a long distance relationship. I was wondering if you could comment on how difficult has it been and what you do to keep the relationship going?
I am in a long distance relationship with a japanese girl and want to know what I need to do to make it work.
What worries me about our relationship is not just the distance, but also the cultural differences we have. I cant speak any japanese and our relationship is based only on her ability to speak english (which is only at basic level).
I know that communication is the most important thing in a relationship and it worries me that this thing we have going isnt going to make it.
Anyones thoughts and opinions welcomed.
She's probably pretty much on a 'fever'....
Yes. Commitment is a BIG thing. Glad you've noticed that. Both of you are probably travelling at a different speed on a relationship... Possibly a different direction too?
Personal advices I'll give to you?
1. Slow her down a little if you're not ready for the many things. Of course, my guess would be that this might cause quite some drastic changes to the current situation? Then again... Things might not promise to be so bright even if it's travelling the original way it's supposed to be?
2. Stop or end this relationship. Or at least pull a brake to it. All things are going too fast for you. You might be giving her the 'wrong idea'. (if you have any idea of what's going on for yourself? ) All things in the end might just end up quite badly... You can 'sense' it, that's why you're posting this thread.... -
long distance? webcam!!!
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very good comments guys.
After reading your thoughts ICE, I was beginning to think this commitment fear thing was just in my head. I mean, how will you ever know if you never take a chance right?...
but devils comments brought me back to earth.
I think I do need to slow her down abit and let her know my feelings/worries.
The thing is, I sent her an e-mail about 2 weeks ago only slightly mentioning how our relationship was difficult because of the cultural differences and the language barrier.
Well she replied back really harshly saying how she was taking english classes to talk to me more and that the distance problem wouldnt be an issue because she was saving up to come here next year.... then she ended it by saying if I wanted to end the relationship she would never e-mail me again..... I mean it was just a passing mention that i thought our relationship was difficult... i never said i wanted to end it.... i just wanted to discuss it.....
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Originally posted by Aargon:Hi all,
I would like to hear from anyone who has been in, or currently are in, a long distance relationship. I was wondering if you could comment on how difficult has it been and what you do to keep the relationship going?
I am in a long distance relationship with a japanese girl and want to know what I need to do to make it work.
What worries me about our relationship is not just the distance, but also the cultural differences we have. I cant speak any japanese and our relationship is based only on her ability to speak english (which is only at basic level).
I know that communication is the most important thing in a relationship and it worries me that this thing we have going isnt going to make it.
Anyones thoughts and opinions welcomed.
Ok, LDR once again. In your situations, it's very difficult to see much future in your relationship because the odds are terribly overwhelming. You can only know if this relationship if for you ONLY after you have lived together for a period of time. Love is great, feeling is strong - but we must not let that influence and blind us to our risky future. You have to anticipate problems way before it arrivals and hits you in the face because your relationship is so fragile - you need to shield them from the hostile wind and build up a steady foundation before you expose them to 'experience'.
You can attempt this relationship and your objective of this move has to be: Minimize possible risk. Culture difference can be respected and learned, but as for language, it's truely a feat on the strength of your relationship. There are some 5 pointers that you have to have before you can consider this relationship:
I) I hope financially, you are independent and no problem with that because if that wasn't the case, I advise you to drop this relationship. Too much problems thrown in a relationship can instantly kill it before you can find ways to salvage.
II) Mentally and emotionally you have to be 10 times more understanding and stronger. Temper has to be curb. Empathy place with intiative and decision making. Your mind and heart must be prepared and trained to see that this relationship WILL NOT be a smooth going one (like all true love). Rewards in this relationship can only be felt AFTER you spend mutual effort in maintaining and upkeeping this relationship.
III) You have little choice; to understand culture, you have to begin by studying their language. You can go to my ex-school (www.ikoma.com.sg) Lack of communication or mis-communication are the top killers in relationship. See, when you wrote an email to her saying that this relationship may be a little difficult and everything, she became defensive and blasted back at you. THIS IS MIS-COMMUNICATION. Imagine if you were to have real life issues with her but you can't find a common ground to talk things out... this could mean certain death. You may want to say something, but she interpret them differently or vica vista.
IV) An immediate jump to marriage is a no-no. I suggest if a title is critical, get engaged instead. In this way she could stay over for 3 - 6 months to get use to the life in here WITHOUT people talking. If you are taking foreign language class in say, Ikoma - there are many Japanese people there. At least when you can taking the class and she waiting for you to finish, she will get to know people of her own country - this minimize home sickness and establish networking.
V) There is no room for 'what-if' WHEN YOU HAVE DECIDE TO PURSUE this relationship after considering Phrase I and II - be positive and ALWAYS employ the 'right' way to handle your own relationship. Drop previous bad habit (e.g. Break-patch, cold war, violence if applicable, etc). Both of you must share this common vision in your relationship before you can move to greater heights. Constantly encourage one another or even do little things to make the day happier.
Personal: If I had my chance of that LDR... the yunhaier today would be so much different.......
Cheers -
see she is taking english lesson for u. saving up for u.
if i was u i give her a chance. she deserve that chance to prove that u 2 can be together. why not u. give urself and her a chance. if she can reply so harshly means ur comment means alot to her. love is about chances. if u miss it its not often it will come back again. some ppl have only 1 chance in their whole life so. cherish it.
jia you and best of luck we will pray for u. -
Like I've mentioned, she's probably on 'fever'. You can't just splash cold water on her and expect her to wake up? You can easily imagine the circumstance from there....Originally posted by Aargon:very good comments guys.
After reading your thoughts ICE, I was beginning to think this commitment fear thing was just in my head. I mean, how will you ever know if you never take a chance right?...
but devils comments brought me back to earth.
I think I do need to slow her down abit and let her know my feelings/worries.
The thing is, I sent her an e-mail about 2 weeks ago only slightly mentioning how our relationship was difficult because of the cultural differences and the language barrier.
Well she replied back really harshly saying how she was taking english classes to talk to me more and that the distance problem wouldnt be an issue because she was saving up to come here next year.... then she ended it by saying if I wanted to end the relationship she would never e-mail me again..... I mean it was just a passing mention that i thought our relationship was difficult... i never said i wanted to end it.... i just wanted to discuss it.....
Try to slow her down in a more mild and gentle form... Note what Yun has mentioned about 'communication'. And probably my guess would be...? Cultural difference is coming in a bit now... Her cultural background... Her actions... Somehow I sense that the Japanese romantic dramas are drilling a bit too deep into some of their heads...? Nonetheless...?
Note this,
When you slow her down, hold on to her... Make sure that she don't fall on her own... She's doing alot for you... The worst of her fears would be you giving up on her... Like you've told us, tell her and let her understand you're not letting her go.... Give her a hand.... Let her know you'll be there for her....
APPRECIATES what she's doing for you... With appreciations would come alot of encouragement... It'll MOTIVATE her to move on and also at the same time not to have the wrong thoughts (remember the 'fear' I've mentioned earlier)....
Yes. Like what Yun have mentioned, it's not gonna be an easy task. But since you've made up your mind and choice?
Give it your BEST SHOT? And it'll help alot by doing it the right way for a start?
I wish you luck...
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I don't need to say much more. Devil and YuHaiEr have said alot. In every relationship, give in more but expect less.Originally posted by Aargon:very good comments guys.
After reading your thoughts ICE, I was beginning to think this commitment fear thing was just in my head. I mean, how will you ever know if you never take a chance right?...
but devils comments brought me back to earth.
I think I do need to slow her down abit and let her know my feelings/worries.
The thing is, I sent her an e-mail about 2 weeks ago only slightly mentioning how our relationship was difficult because of the cultural differences and the language barrier.
Well she replied back really harshly saying how she was taking english classes to talk to me more and that the distance problem wouldnt be an issue because she was saving up to come here next year.... then she ended it by saying if I wanted to end the relationship she would never e-mail me again..... I mean it was just a passing mention that i thought our relationship was difficult... i never said i wanted to end it.... i just wanted to discuss it.....
What i suggest is to tell her about some of your plans for you and her in the future.
But you must do what you say, don't give empty promises. Give her a little surprise by communicating abit in japanese during your conversation with her.
Communication, trust and commitment is really important in LDR.
Give in, don't worry about the results. Call her often, show that you care for her and won't neglect her.
I have a failed LDR, you can read up my post and see what i had done wrong. -
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well..if u really love the girl and the girl also loves u,i think there shoudn't be a big problem...don't thinknabout too much 1st...remember there is a commercial 'titus' i think should be spelled this way lah...not very sure...Originally posted by Aargon:Hi all,
I would like to hear from anyone who has been in, or currently are in, a long distance relationship. I was wondering if you could comment on how difficult has it been and what you do to keep the relationship going?
I am in a long distance relationship with a japanese girl and want to know what I need to do to make it work.
What worries me about our relationship is not just the distance, but also the cultural differences we have. I cant speak any japanese and our relationship is based only on her ability to speak english (which is only at basic level).
I know that communication is the most important thing in a relationship and it worries me that this thing we have going isnt going to make it.
Anyones thoughts and opinions welcomed. (bu zai hu tian zhang di jiu zi zai hu cheng jin yong you)... -
dun do it
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I think there are 2 types of people in a relationship.
The hopeless romantic who opens their heart out to the one they love, do special things, give warm cuddles and "l love you" sms and phones every day, every hour and minute. A total obsession with the one they love. Not scared of showing emotion.
The other type (which i thnk is me), doesnt do the "l love you, l love you, I love messages", we dont open our hearts out that easily and when someone comes on too strong we feel cornered, trapped and suffocating even. I have to admit, I need my personal space and when i girl comes on to me too strong when I am not ready or I am not fully commitmented myself I get worried that its not going to be a good ending..
My gf is also quite conservative. We dont do the constant "I love you" sms but we have that non verbal connection whenever we are together. I know there is alot she wants to tell me but its difficult with the language barrier. Also, if anyone knows anything about the japanese, they will know that showing affection in public is a big no no. Definitely no hugging and kissing. Holding hands is fine but thats as far as it goes.... it was quite funny when i was last in japan. I tried continually to give her a kiss in public... it was like a playful game between her and i ... she was so embarrassed at first, but after awhile she caved in and i managed to get in a few pecks here and there...
All the comments I have read above are really insightful and very helpful. So thank you for your thoughts. I really appreciate it. -
Originally posted by Aargon:I think there are 2 types of people in a relationship.
The hopeless romantic who opens their heart out to the one they love, do special things, give warm cuddles and "l love you" sms and phones every day, every hour and minute. A total obsession with the one they love. Not scared of showing emotion.
The other type (which i thnk is me), doesnt do the "l love you, l love you, I love messages", we dont open our hearts out that easily and when someone comes on too strong we feel cornered, trapped and suffocating even. I have to admit, I need my personal space and when i girl comes on to me too strong when I am not ready or I am not fully commitmented myself I get worried that its not going to be a good ending..
My gf is also quite conservative. We dont do the constant "I love you" sms but we have that non verbal connection whenever we are together. I know there is alot she wants to tell me but its difficult with the language barrier. Also, if anyone knows anything about the japanese, they will know that showing affection in public is a big no no. Definitely no hugging and kissing. Holding hands is fine but thats as far as it goes.... it was quite funny when i was last in japan. I tried continually to give her a kiss in public... it was like a playful game between her and i ... she was so embarrassed at first, but after awhile she caved in and i managed to get in a few pecks here and there...
All the comments I have read above are really insightful and very helpful. So thank you for your thoughts. I really appreciate it. Conservative is a character, born from personality, culture and influence.
Love is expressive in its own form. Because love is a world of your own - being expressive only exist in your world. Allow me to encourage you to be loving despite all these no-no thingy? Trust me, Japanese put on screen because of their society - you don't belong there. Ah... then you can influence her....
... Influence her to be herself gradually.
P.S: Good luck. You can update us here whenever a new situation creeps in.
Cheers -
Hi all.
I was reading this thread and Aargon's situation really reflects mine!
Well my situation: I went to Switzerland on student exchange, and I was thinking of just enjoying myself there, to get away from the stresses of studying in Singapore, and also have the opportunity to travel around Europe. I had never expected that I would find myself a girlfriend there!
I met a PRC chinese girl at one of my friend's birthday parties, and of course nothing much happened, but several weeks later I later met her on the street, and she recognised me. We exchanged numbers, and then we just started chatting, and I invited her to dinners which I was organising, with other international students of course.
With group travelling and the get togethers with other friends, I learnt more about her, and started to treat her like a good friend. At that time, I was not romantically inclined towards her.
We continued like this for about a month, and then just 1 week before I was to come back to Singapore, she sent me an sms to say she liked me very much.
I was quite taken aback, as I never thought that someone would like me, and I never had the thought of getting a gf there, but I replied her sms and asked if she wants to be my gf. She said yes.
Well with that, the last week we tried to spend some time together, even though I had also other farewell parties to go to. I grew to like her more during that one week, when we really had time together alone. Before I left Switzerland, I told her that if she were to find someone else, or if I were to to find someone else that we liked, then we would tell each other, and she agreed. That was the last time I saw her since, and we had been together for less than a week!
I initially thought that it would be difficult to maintain a LDR, and I wasn't very hopeful that it would continue. But somehow or other, we managed to call each other every day, we could chat for hours on end sometimes, and if we did not call, then we would send SMS. This has been going on for nearly 3 months now.
From the advice from everyone in this thread, i can really sense the need for communication, because it was only after we seperated that we were able to tell each other some of our inner most problems and secrets. I dont know if I could have said the things that I said to her face to face, but sometimes I really want to see her reaction, which I cannot, unfortunately.
It is fortunate that both of us can speak Chinese, her English is improving, so we dont have the language barrier that Aargon is facing. But I do have another problem.
She likes to use her father to compare with me. I think she loves her father very much, she says that her relationship with her father is like a close friend. Sometimes I get the feeling that she likes her father more than she likes me. I dont know why I feel like this.
And another problem - she is afraid that her father would object to our relationship, and she cannot clearly explain why to me why this is so, she says her father will be "disappointed" if he knew - which gives me the feeling that she is holding back something. Her father does not know that her daughter has a bf, but her mother does. Which is sort of strange to me.
I told her it doesn't matter to me too much, anyway i assured her that I just wanted to enjoy being in a relationship. But something tells me whether I should be getting more answers from her, or should I not? Why do I feel that her father can be a potential hinderance to our relationship? That is my first question.
The thing is that both of us are students, and with limited financial resources, this means I can only visit her in December this year. She cannot visit Singapore without her father not knowing - she needs a visa and a security deposit. I intend to fly to Switzerland this year end.
But in any case, we havent talked about the future much. All I know is that she will go back to China after her studies, while for me, predictably, I will stay in SG to work. Is it true that for a relationship between two different nationalities, one party must "sacrifice", in the sense that if they do commit to one another (in marriage perhaps), that one party must "uproot" and move to another country? That is my second question. This question is rather far-fetched for now, I do realise, but I just want to know if this is really the case for couples with different nationalities.
Would really appreciate it if there is anyone out there who can give some advice! Thanks!