independent girl seeking help.........
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actually i'm quite demoralised by my bf's actions..... i tot our relationship wouldn't have to be solved through aunt agony..... in fact, i feel our relationship doen't incur any big problems at all...... it's just a small matter i feel.......
there's no wrong or being weird when girls are being independent... in fact, i feel my bf should be proud of me as i'm not a hindrance to him n he can set his mind ease at work but things seems to be e opposite.... of course girls like to be pampered but to be pampered at the right way, u get what i mean??
our relationship started like this:
both of us are in the same class during our poly life... we get along well with each other, sharing same tots in certain things we do... gradually we becomes a pair which surprises our frens.... i'm also surprised as i didn't expect this outcome...... he's neither rich nor very good-looking but i like him for his frankness, his fillial piety towards his mum, the things he had done for her, he has been thru what i 've been thru certainly aids him to become a beta person..... can say we been thru alot in sch..... e hard times(not study but other factors) but in e end we are able to overcome all the "humps" in our lives....... i feel he's e ideal bf as well as husband that i can find....... u might think that things are too ealier said but i know it well enuf..... i've beem thru several relationships n i can tell that he's really serious...
things started to changed aft he served the nation.... from an optimistic to a pessimistic. i know he doesn't like the life there but that's every guys got to go thru..... e hard times in BMT, we been thru it together, i try to be considerate to him, hoping he'll change for the better....... as time goes by, his pessimism level increases..
i continued to stand by him cos i know as he goes further life would be beta....
Aft i started working, i do faces a lot of stress at work, my boss is a sexist. whatever things that i've done for the company is not being appreciated. i just have to struggle on as we got to earn a living, esp when my dad is sick now, being a sole-bread winner is no easy task... thou at work i'm not happy but i din vent out on him, i know life for him at work isn't easy 2....... sometimes, i wondered y can't he be the same as me??? just struggle thru these few years & life will be beta soon....
soon i start to feel irritated by his complaints & grumblings.... i tried to be considerate but dunno y just burst out easily (at times i think it may be due to my family conditions that i'm facing now) but y can't he understand me??? i just hope that at this point of time, he'll show me the kinda pampering that i wan to me...
i know he's trying very hard to be a gd bf n i'm thankful for that..... i'm someone whom dun like to show my feelings nor gratitude thru words cos i feel actions speak louder than words... but to him it's the opposite....
thou i love him alot but when it's time to let go, i'll let go.... it's not that i dun love him deep enuf but i must spare a tot for myself, i do not wan2 be to always playing the mascline role...... it's tiring...... i very much wanted someone to take care of me emotionally, i do not know how to put it in words, u understand???
in a relationship, i feel u dun have to always tell the other party where n whom each individual is going with..... maybe at the start of the relationship, i gave him the trust n i hope it vice versa.... at times, whe i din reply his sms nor other replies, he gets so frustrated but can he try to understand that i'm busy with my work, i'm an engineer, i got to be responsible to my work, can't be always replyin to his sms... now he has changed, being more considerate towards this.....
i also hope he'll let me do whateva things that i wan, visit places that i like to go......... i like dancing n singing n cos of him, i stopped...... i went there purely for dancing only, only drink fruit punches with few frens... just becos of 1 incident, he refused to let me go...... personally, i hope that my bf is a gentleman, def at these kinda places, u bound to meet some idiots coming to know u, i hope he can response gentlemanly at that........ if i'm a vain girl, our relationship wouldn't have last this long...... i maybe materialistic but not towards $$$ but towards the future..... i wouldn't wan my children to suffer with me if i'm not financially stable to support them but he can't understand this which saddens me...... we have been together for so long n yet he dun really understand what i want in life........ u get what i mean??? at times, i so tired of repeating myself that whenever probs crops up, i just refused to spell it out, i feel it's pointless as as time goes by, my words will be blown off by the wind..............
actually, relationship to me is simple, mutual trust is v impt.... at times, it's not i dun trust him, it's his camp mates tat i dun trust...... my bf is v innocent which i'm afraid they might influence him the wrong tots.......
now, i'm really tired....... v tired....... got to be strong when home, can't burst out etc...... got to cope with my bf emotions & feelings..... i'm tired..... y can't he understand me....... i gave him encouragement & chances again n again, also asking him to mix ard with his fens & relatives but he just solely wans to spend time with me..... i'm suffocating.......... i tried to understand as he only has me........ someone whom he can pour his heart-felt feeling out......... at times, i even neglected my family becos of him, y can't he understand me.......... i spoke to him abt this many many times........ i really dunno what to do..... hoping auntie agony can help to strike him to his senses............
one more thing about him i that, he always wanted the best for him which i feel it's impossible......... God is fair, u get what u deserve.... if u do not put in effort in things that u do, def e outcome wouldn't be what u wanted....... dun always ask for the best, try your best to get what's best for u....... get what i mean???????
money is impt but not for us, it's for our future generation so that they can live better, obtain a better education........
Hope through this & frens from auntie agony, u'll become a better, more sensible, mature person n be able to understand me better........... -
independent girl seeking help
how contradicting...
later i read ah, want to watch soccer ah
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well u gonna understand all those guys tat went thru ns. the change from optismist to pessimist during ns is understandable cos in ns, theres always 1 thought tats hovering over ur head n tats Detention Barrack. he is going thru lots of stress n mayb tats y the change. so its best tat both of u sit down n have a heart to heart talk.
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y must there be racism in ns? as long as he's capable, he should received wat he ought to....... dun u guys agree???
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I m still a lvl 1 newbie at relationships. But if u want my opinion, I think that your bf shouldnt complain to u about army and etc. WHo else dont have troubles/worries ~ He should also be more sensitive and know how u feel and the stress u are undergoing. If i were him i rather keep quiet and treasure the time i spent with my gf becos army is hell
lol -
(A gentle smile)
No road is smooth. I been through the army, not easy but different people have different thoughts about army. Some good some bad.
Been through working life, not easy too.
I won't comment about army life or working life. Different people have different thinking and concepts in life.
My advice :
Both of you need to know what is happening to each other.
1. Talk to your best girl friend that you both know. Tell her about how you feel. Ask her to talk to your boyfriend. Just a normal chat, telling him abit about what you are facing right now and ask him whether he is facing any pressures right now.
2. Talk to him face-to-face peacefully.
3. A counsellor?
Girl :
Relax, take a deep breathe in and out. Sit down, look at the sky, stars, buildings and relax, take a slow walk and enjoy the air(that's what i do at times)...
Singapore is abit too fast le...
Smile? -
thanks for the advice that u guys have given me...
it's my first time registrating here.....
thank you!!!! -
hi independent gal .. some pointers for you ....
understanding your current situation. your bf is not inNS. he is facing a stress that not only affect his mental but physically. he is held up by Singapore Military rules.
both of you have been through thicks and thin. as such tolrate need to be excersie. -
hmmmmmz
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hmmm...
http://www.sgforums.com/?action=thread_display&thread_id=80066 -
Hi independent girl! You sounded like my buddy..are you pisces? Haha..
Sounds like, he is the possessive sort..maybe he lack of confidence and dun feel secure about this relationship ba. Think he needs assurance and to gain back his confidence.
It's not easy for two persons to meet, know each other and fall in love. Dun let go and then regret..I know how it feels to be tired..and in your situation..yes, you have your problems too..Perhaps like what you said,n trust is very important. Maybe you would like to compromise with him..maybe let your have more breathing space etc?
All the best to you.. -
it's only BMT phrase right? after the first few months he'll find NS fun and enjoyable...
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hello independant gal! ur case seems so familiar to mine! well, from ur perspective view, i kinda understand better now how my beloved darling might be going thru with my complaints as well! for ur info, i'm going thru the same situation as ur bf. i'm mentally very stressed as well and worst part is i'm a regular! i have got a long time before i ORD (so far serve one year only le). haha..anyway i shall learn to treat my prospective wife even better than before. one thing though, no matter wat, i'll still dislike my gf from going for disco sessions. it's not because i do not trust her(in fact i trust her so much that i'll even dare the many of my frenz who are interested in her to try chasing her!!) but it's because i do not trust the guys. anyway i hope ur bf reads this and becomes a better person.
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NS does change people, either for the better, or the worse.
I guess your bf is having some stress in NS and felt that he had no control over what goes in there. Thus, he complains and grumbles a lot to you. That may be the reason why he's restricting your movements and such as he fears losing you. But little does he know that you are unhappy and felt pressurized by that. Try telling him your point of view and also that you need encouragement from him too. Or, if that doesn't work out, maybe, you may want to suggest a cool-off period first. During this time, you need to revitalise yourself too. He may need encouragement and motivation from you too, as he is pessimistic about life.
As for your work, I guess there's really no way of changing anything down there as your boss is a sexist. Its actually in your working environment. I guess you just have to face the facts. Of course, it will be best if you can change their perceptions later. If that is really bothering you, maybe you should find another job. But, it happens almost everywhere.
Its really not easy to be the sole breadwinner in the family. I can only give you encouragement here.
All the best to you!
Cheers. -
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thaks to all helpers out there.......... i'll try to sort out with my bf........... i've tendered my resignation for a better prospects........
i gave my bf more than enuf breathing space just that he doesn't that kinda breathing space........ weird!!!!
just pray that e racism problem will be solved asap for him..........
thanks everybody............ -
thaks to all helpers out there.......... i'll try to sort out with my bf........... i've tendered my resignation for a better prospects........
i gave my bf more than enuf breathing space just that he doesn't that kinda breathing space........ weird!!!!
just pray that e racism problem will be solved asap for him..........
thanks everybody............ -
Only start a serious relationship with a guy who had completed his NS and the best,has a stable career. Yr bf is still young so r u! Go and look for a new one who can really take care of u.Yr bf cannot even take care of u and u expect him to provide comfort to u? I see too many of this things happen,all not good end! A successful relationship will only happen for a guy who completed his NS.
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Sorry for replying late: cause your post is lengthy and I need some time to read. (Have to be proportionate to the mass of your post as well mah)Originally posted by independent girl:... (edited cause too long)
i also hope he'll let me do whateva things that i wan, visit places that i like to go......... i like dancing n singing n cos of him, i stopped...... i went there purely for dancing only, only drink fruit punches with few frens... just becos of 1 incident, he refused to let me go...... personally, i hope that my bf is a gentleman, def at these kinda places, u bound to meet some idiots coming to know u, i hope he can response gentlemanly at that........ if i'm a vain girl, our relationship wouldn't have last this long...... i maybe materialistic but not towards $$$ but towards the future..... i wouldn't wan my children to suffer with me if i'm not financially stable to support them but he can't understand this which saddens me...... we have been together for so long n yet he dun really understand what i want in life........ u get what i mean??? at times, i so tired of repeating myself that whenever probs crops up, i just refused to spell it out, i feel it's pointless as as time goes by, my words will be blown off by the wind..............
actually, relationship to me is simple, mutual trust is v impt.... at times, it's not i dun trust him, it's his camp mates tat i dun trust...... my bf is v innocent which i'm afraid they might influence him the wrong tots.......
now, i'm really tired....... v tired....... got to be strong when home, can't burst out etc...... got to cope with my bf emotions & feelings..... i'm tired..... y can't he understand me....... i gave him encouragement & chances again n again, also asking him to mix ard with his fens & relatives but he just solely wans to spend time with me..... i'm suffocating.......... i tried to understand as he only has me........ someone whom he can pour his heart-felt feeling out......... at times, i even neglected my family becos of him, y can't he understand me.......... i spoke to him abt this many many times........ i really dunno what to do..... hoping auntie agony can help to strike him to his senses............
one more thing about him i that, he always wanted the best for him which i feel it's impossible......... God is fair, u get what u deserve.... if u do not put in effort in things that u do, def e outcome wouldn't be what u wanted....... dun always ask for the best, try your best to get what's best for u....... get what i mean???????
money is impt but not for us, it's for our future generation so that they can live better, obtain a better education........
Hope through this & frens from auntie agony, u'll become a better, more sensible, mature person n be able to understand me better...........
***
Dear independent girl, This relationship is bruised and worn out through years of constant grinding, due to external factor and changes. One critical factor that made much problems in your relationship is the kind of attitude, mindsets and preception that exist WITH new changes and environment swarming into the field of your love.
As you grow up, much mental aspects evolved and mature: The way you handle things, the way you treat relationship and how non-related issue could also create much stress and tension within the relationship itself.
I) There is a great leap of mindset and attitude the minute you step into the working world while he is stuck with National Service. To him, he retain very much of the mental and emotional structure that brought with him from polytechnic into army - you are different. Harsh reality rain upon you like edged stone to flesh - you know you need to be strong to substain the challenge and your bf is not being helpful in some sense like NOT able to place correct empathy on you.
You mentioned you had to take on the mascline role in the relationship and in reality as well. Over some period of time, you will be drained emotionally and spiritually. You are an independant girl - like what your nick suggested, however, your current position is like a coconut - A hard protective shell with soft interior. If your relationship, on top of reality, is giving you trouble, you will blow from inside out and probably self destruct sooner or later.
II) Your have other personal commitment and liability for you to handle. Trust in relationship is there - but because the mindset is basically the same thing from what he had years back (still the poly attitude) - life to him is probably only having to love, care for gf and serve the nation - and that's about it. He will not understand fully about your situation and how this relationship is moving to its next phrase - If this message is not convey over to make him adapt and change accordingly - he will never know what's wrong with the relationship. Because he never knew, he will attempt to protect this relationship through emotional means - place restriction, cannot drink, cannot sing, cannot have other guys around to woo you, etc. Indirectly suffocating this relationship and putting your love at risk to failure.
III) You need to learn to communicate root of problem and perform much brain-washing soul talk. Plain ranting and speaking of surface issue will never solve your problem - you can only handle them better if you were to date him out and share with him EVERYTHING from
- Your thoughts
- Feelings
- Definition of relationship
- Possible future
- Current challenge
- Your desire, hope and wish in him
- Reconstruct trust or reinforce them.
- The 'newer' you he may not have seen.
And most importantly: his version of the above pointers as well.
IV) Don't keep thinking about money, future generation and everything else FIRST without the notion of settling down soon. Yes, it is important, but if your relationship is already shaky and touring around aimlessly, to reduce psychologically stress, avoid adding unneccessary burden to yourself. If you have time, read up books regarding stress management. It will do good for yourself and your relationship as well.
***
Relationship is never easy and worst if you want to lead them correctly. If there is one quality in all successful couple - it has to be effective communication. By saying is not enough - communication is interpersonal rapport. Any moron would know communication is important, but seriously how important is important? Or how do you know if you have commuicated effectively and not fall under the category of 'saying'?
Maybe it is not your personality to share connection with him - but if that is the only way to make him see, why not? Or would you rather entrust this task to his army buddies and risk introducing more nonsense into your love?
P.S: Are you a Capricorn or Scorpio? (or Virgo/Taurus)
Cheers -
This is a too generalistic view of things lah..agree wif u that guys matured after gng thru NS, but that does not mean u have to find a bf that has completed NS to have a future. I've seen many cases of relationships gng thru NS, n emerge stronger, its a good test.Originally posted by CannyOng:Only start a serious relationship with a guy who had completed his NS and the best,has a stable career. Yr bf is still young so r u! Go and look for a new one who can really take care of u.Yr bf cannot even take care of u and u expect him to provide comfort to u? I see too many of this things happen,all not good end! A successful relationship will only happen for a guy who completed his NS.
When he just enlist, he's properbly having problems adjusting to his new style of life. And considering the fact that he can only book out once a week, its only natural that he wans to spend all his time wif the ppl he is closest to, in this case, you. He's properbly oso feeling very insecure, afraid that u might meet someone else who's got more to offer.. its all normal.. things will get better as time passes and he get used to his new life -
Sorry for replying late: cause your post is lengthy and I need some time to read. (Have to be proportionate to the mass of your post as well mah)
***
Dear independent girl,
This relationship is bruised and worn out through years of constant grinding, due to external factor and changes. One critical factor that made much problems in your relationship is the kind of attitude, mindsets and preception that exist WITH new changes and environment swarming into the field of your love.
As you grow up, much mental aspects evolved and mature: The way you handle things, the way you treat relationship and how non-related issue could also create much stress and tension within the relationship itself.
I) There is a great leap of mindset and attitude the minute you step into the working world while he is stuck with National Service. To him, he retain very much of the mental and emotional structure that brought with him from polytechnic into army - you are different. Harsh reality rain upon you like edged stone to flesh - you know you need to be strong to substain the challenge and your bf is not being helpful in some sense like NOT able to place correct empathy on you.
You mentioned you had to take on the mascline role in the relationship and in reality as well. Over some period of time, you will be drained emotionally and spiritually. You are an independant girl - like what your nick suggested, however, your current position is like a coconut - A hard protective shell with soft interior. If your relationship, on top of reality, is giving you trouble, you will blow from inside out and probably self destruct sooner or later.
II) Your have other personal commitment and liability for you to handle. Trust in relationship is there - but because the mindset is basically the same thing from what he had years back (still the poly attitude) - life to him is probably only having to love, care for gf and serve the nation - and that's about it. He will not understand fully about your situation and how this relationship is moving to its next phrase - If this message is not convey over to make him adapt and change accordingly - he will never know what's wrong with the relationship.
Because he never knew, he will attempt to protect this relationship through emotional means - place restriction, cannot drink, cannot sing, cannot have other guys around to woo you, etc. Indirectly suffocating this relationship and putting your love at risk to failure.
III) You need to learn to communicate root of problem and perform much brain-washing soul talk. Plain ranting and speaking of surface issue will never solve your problem - you can only handle them better if you were to date him out and share with him EVERYTHING from
- Your thoughts
- Feelings
- Definition of relationship
- Possible future
- Current challenge
- Your desire, hope and wish in him
- Reconstruct trust or reinforce them.
- The 'newer' you he may not have seen.
And most importantly: his version of the above pointers as well.
IV) Don't keep thinking about money, future generation and everything else FIRST without the notion of settling down soon. Yes, it is important, but if your relationship is already shaky and touring around aimlessly, to reduce psychologically stress, avoid adding unneccessary burden to yourself. If you have time, read up books regarding stress management. It will do good for yourself and your relationship as well.
***
Relationship is never easy and worst if you want to lead them correctly. If there is one quality in all successful couple - it has to be effective communication. By saying is not enough - communication is interpersonal rapport. Any moron would know communication is important, but seriously how important is important? Or how do you know if you have commuicated effectively and not fall under the category of 'saying'?
Maybe it is not your personality to share connection with him - but if that is the only way to make him see, why not? Or would you rather entrust this task to his army buddies and risk introducing more nonsense into your love?
P.S: Are you a Capricorn or Scorpio? (or Virgo/Taurus)
Cheers
i'm a LEO....... Surprise???
i've talk to him calmly n patiently but it doesn't seem to help...... i feel no matter how much i've said, it's pointless, he has to decide his needs & wants...... whether to change for the better, it's all depends on him rite?
i've tried everything i could if not i wouldn't hsve to turn to Aunt Agony....... i'm someone who prefers to solve e problems myself w/o seeking help from others unless i've no choice.........
thou i maybe just 21 but i feel i'm just doing what's beyond what a 21 should do....... of course i would hope to have some whose able to share my joys or woes with me...... he could be of the same age as me, just the mentality that counts........
sometimes, i just hope to be an ordinary girl or maybe spoilt girl, at least i'm happy & carefree.........
i dun wan to lose my bf as i believe i won't be able to find someone special like him(get what i mean???)
i just feel my bf wouldn't know how to behave the right way in front of ppl..... at times feel he's making a fool outta himself, he dunno the rite way to carry himself.......
at times, bothered by family probs, just hope that he'll be considerate towards me in this aspect...... i know he's trying his best to change for me..... i'm grateful for that.......
jus hope this problem of mine will bw solved soon......... -
Sorry for replying late: cause your post is lengthy and I need some time to read. (Have to be proportionate to the mass of your post as well mah)
***
Dear independent girl,
This relationship is bruised and worn out through years of constant grinding, due to external factor and changes. One critical factor that made much problems in your relationship is the kind of attitude, mindsets and preception that exist WITH new changes and environment swarming into the field of your love.
As you grow up, much mental aspects evolved and mature: The way you handle things, the way you treat relationship and how non-related issue could also create much stress and tension within the relationship itself.
I) There is a great leap of mindset and attitude the minute you step into the working world while he is stuck with National Service. To him, he retain very much of the mental and emotional structure that brought with him from polytechnic into army - you are different. Harsh reality rain upon you like edged stone to flesh - you know you need to be strong to substain the challenge and your bf is not being helpful in some sense like NOT able to place correct empathy on you.
You mentioned you had to take on the mascline role in the relationship and in reality as well. Over some period of time, you will be drained emotionally and spiritually. You are an independant girl - like what your nick suggested, however, your current position is like a coconut - A hard protective shell with soft interior. If your relationship, on top of reality, is giving you trouble, you will blow from inside out and probably self destruct sooner or later.
II) Your have other personal commitment and liability for you to handle. Trust in relationship is there - but because the mindset is basically the same thing from what he had years back (still the poly attitude) - life to him is probably only having to love, care for gf and serve the nation - and that's about it. He will not understand fully about your situation and how this relationship is moving to its next phrase - If this message is not convey over to make him adapt and change accordingly - he will never know what's wrong with the relationship.
Because he never knew, he will attempt to protect this relationship through emotional means - place restriction, cannot drink, cannot sing, cannot have other guys around to woo you, etc. Indirectly suffocating this relationship and putting your love at risk to failure.
III) You need to learn to communicate root of problem and perform much brain-washing soul talk. Plain ranting and speaking of surface issue will never solve your problem - you can only handle them better if you were to date him out and share with him EVERYTHING from
- Your thoughts
- Feelings
- Definition of relationship
- Possible future
- Current challenge
- Your desire, hope and wish in him
- Reconstruct trust or reinforce them.
- The 'newer' you he may not have seen.
And most importantly: his version of the above pointers as well.
IV) Don't keep thinking about money, future generation and everything else FIRST without the notion of settling down soon. Yes, it is important, but if your relationship is already shaky and touring around aimlessly, to reduce psychologically stress, avoid adding unneccessary burden to yourself. If you have time, read up books regarding stress management. It will do good for yourself and your relationship as well.
***
Relationship is never easy and worst if you want to lead them correctly. If there is one quality in all successful couple - it has to be effective communication. By saying is not enough - communication is interpersonal rapport. Any moron would know communication is important, but seriously how important is important? Or how do you know if you have commuicated effectively and not fall under the category of 'saying'?
Maybe it is not your personality to share connection with him - but if that is the only way to make him see, why not? Or would you rather entrust this task to his army buddies and risk introducing more nonsense into your love?
P.S: Are you a Capricorn or Scorpio? (or Virgo/Taurus)
Cheers
i'm a LEO....... Surprise???
i've talk to him calmly n patiently but it doesn't seem to help...... i feel no matter how much i've said, it's pointless, he has to decide his needs & wants...... whether to change for the better, it's all depends on him rite?
i've tried everything i could if not i wouldn't hsve to turn to Aunt Agony....... i'm someone who prefers to solve e problems myself w/o seeking help from others unless i've no choice.........
thou i maybe just 21 but i feel i'm just doing what's beyond what a 21 should do....... of course i would hope to have some whose able to share my joys or woes with me...... he could be of the same age as me, just the mentality that counts........
sometimes, i just hope to be an ordinary girl or maybe spoilt girl, at least i'm happy & carefree.........
i dun wan to lose my bf as i believe i won't be able to find someone special like him(get what i mean???)
i just feel my bf wouldn't know how to behave the right way in front of ppl..... at times feel he's making a fool outta himself, he dunno the rite way to carry himself.......
at times, bothered by family probs, just hope that he'll be considerate towards me in this aspect...... i know he's trying his best to change for me..... i'm grateful for that.......
jus hope this problem of mine will bw solved soon......... -
gd luck yah
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Tell him not to whine so much. Everyone has problems. Not good to be too independent & pamper your bf. I know of someone who ends up supporting a parasite! He never stays in a job for long & she has to do 2 jobs to support her kids. He feels inferior & cannot make decisions cos she is the one 'wearing the pants'. Talk to your bf. He must stop being so needy & have trust in u since u have been together for so long. U also need some breathing space. Doesn't mean u have to spend all your spare time with him. Don't neglect your girlfriends, encourage him
to go out with his army buddies. -
i can oni say... jia you!!
hope ur problem will be solved