overseas relationship
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I¡¯m currently doing a degree in UK. My wife is in spore. I¡¯ve been here for almost 9 months and about to return in another 3 weeks time. We¡¯ve been married for almost 4 years. Gone thru the ROM but not the customary dinner yet. we have been staying together in my parents¡¯ place ever since after our ROM. When I left for UK, she moved back to her parents¡¯ place¡ much nearer to her working place. Now when I¡¯m in preparation to go back to spore for anout 3-4 months.. she¡¯s telling me that she might not move back to stay with me when I return. Saying that the distance is too far from her work place. Thou, it has always been the case when she stayed with me before I came. Her claim was that no married (ROM) couple would stay together before they have their customary dinner. Did she had a changed of heart? Why didn¡¯t she said that during those times in my parent¡¯s place? To her, it is like we had done things wrong back then and we should not carry on staying together every night from now on.
I was so looking forward to be with her every night when I return. Now that she said that¡ I guess things have changed. I¡¯m so sad to hear that.. and that now I can¡¯t concentrate on my exams in days time. How can things be wrong when we have actually done it for almost 3 years! And it just turned wrong over 9 months!
What is wrong here? -
Originally posted by itroubled:I¡¯m currently doing a degree in UK. My wife is in spore. I¡¯ve been here for almost 9 months and about to return in another 3 weeks time. We¡¯ve been married for almost 4 years. Gone thru the ROM but not the customary dinner yet. we have been staying together in my parents¡¯ place ever since after our ROM. When I left for UK, she moved back to her parents¡¯ place¡ much nearer to her working place. Now when I¡¯m in preparation to go back to spore for anout 3-4 months.. she¡¯s telling me that she might not move back to stay with me when I return. Saying that the distance is too far from her work place. Thou, it has always been the case when she stayed with me before I came. Her claim was that no married (ROM) couple would stay together before they have their customary dinner. Did she had a changed of heart? Why didn¡¯t she said that during those times in my parent¡¯s place? To her, it is like we had done things wrong back then and we should not carry on staying together every night from now on.
I was so looking forward to be with her every night when I return. Now that she said that¡ I guess things have changed. I¡¯m so sad to hear that.. and that now I can¡¯t concentrate on my exams in days time. How can things be wrong when we have actually done it for almost 3 years! And it just turned wrong over 9 months!
What is wrong here?
It is pretty advisable that once you are married, do not leave your wife/husband alone overseas for a long period of time. LDR hardly last - what more a marriage trying to manage a LDR test route. Not saying that it will fail - rather, it's too great of a risk unless you are so fringing` sure of the foundation of your relationship and that you are not going away anywhere more than a year.
Relationship doesn't measure value through quantity of time. 3 strong years relationship could still be ruin over a period of 6 months wrong course.
All I can say is do not jump into conclusion first. You are worried because there seemed to be a change in attitude. The only thing constant is change - 9 months? Minor changes are definite. Consider the following:
I) Complete your study first. You can't do a thing when you are overseas apart from trying to minimise emotional distance gap. Things will be much worst if you perform badly or worst, failed to get your degree and had to repeat or similiar. This will produce strong conflict and probably deteriorate your relationship further.
II) Talk to her regarding this issue. Since you have already been married, learn to express your thoughts and feelings regularly and especially when you encounter doubts and issues. She is your wife - not go through it together, learn to work mutually. Don't blame her nor trash things out - let her know what you long for (her company, quality time together, etc)
P.S: Last thing you ought to do is to jump to conclusion and set blames. You been away for long, there are many things that could happen in her life during your absence. You know nothing, therefore things may not seemed like what it is.
Cheers -
overseas relationship...
tell me about it man... -
Yeah....2 failed long-distance relationships for me.
Well, nothing is wrong.
Both of u had to re-adjust ur lives after u went overseas, so maybe after 9 months, she finally managed to adapt to her new lifestyle. U can't expect her to move back with u while u r back in spore, then when u return to UK, she has to again re-adjust her life rite? Accept that life will never be like before, things change all the time, u juz haf to learn how to adapt to it. After ur degree, u guys can stay together again.
Focus on ur studies for now and make ur wife be proud of u when u graduate.
Don't be sad k, have more faith in ur relationship. After a heavy storm, sun will come out, birds will sing, life will be beautiful once again. Juz regard this as a test to ur relationship.
Best of luck to u. -
Originally posted by JeweL81:overseas relationship...
tell me about it man...
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just wondering...can she get along with yr parents? or yr family members? maybe u r not the reason for her decision...
she might not want to tell u if she couldnt get along with yr family members... -
Originally posted by M©+square:
i was trying to say, it ain't easy... but Love will keep us alive. -
thank you all whom had given me really sound advise.
i would say... she doesn't have any problem while staying with my parents. thanks to my mom whom had not like given her the mother-in-law treatment. she did not "order" tell her to contribute to the housechores. i would say the main reason for not wanting to move back was the 45mins travelling distance from my place to her workplace comparing the 20mins from her own home.
anyway..i just thought that the 3months i'm going back, would be the best time for us to get together...to patch back what we have lost in 9 months. seems like the 3 months ain't gonna be a fruitful stay. imagine i'm all alone here everynight for 9months... and even after i return home... it would still be the same. lonely nights.
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when you come back to Spore...find a house that's near her office and settle the customary wedding lah.... then you no more lonely nites lor.
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remember those sweet dayz when u guys were juz started dating? Re-enact those dayz lah....haf dinner together then part with good night kiss. hehehe.... then go to bed with sweet sweet memories...haf sweet sweet dreamz...Originally posted by itroubled:thank you all whom had given me really sound advise.
i would say... she doesn't have any problem while staying with my parents. thanks to my mom whom had not like given her the mother-in-law treatment. she did not "order" tell her to contribute to the housechores. i would say the main reason for not wanting to move back was the 45mins travelling distance from my place to her workplace comparing the 20mins from her own home.
anyway..i just thought that the 3months i'm going back, would be the best time for us to get together...to patch back what we have lost in 9 months. seems like the 3 months ain't gonna be a fruitful stay. imagine i'm all alone here everynight for 9months... and even after i return home... it would still be the same. lonely nights. -
No point worrying too much about it now... Try catching up and adjusting with her when you get back.. Especially in a more understanding manner so that she could more easily open herself up to you...Originally posted by itroubled:thank you all whom had given me really sound advise.
i would say... she doesn't have any problem while staying with my parents. thanks to my mom whom had not like given her the mother-in-law treatment. she did not "order" tell her to contribute to the housechores. i would say the main reason for not wanting to move back was the 45mins travelling distance from my place to her workplace comparing the 20mins from her own home.
anyway..i just thought that the 3months i'm going back, would be the best time for us to get together...to patch back what we have lost in 9 months. seems like the 3 months ain't gonna be a fruitful stay. imagine i'm all alone here everynight for 9months... and even after i return home... it would still be the same. lonely nights.
You might wanna work on your LDR skills at the same time if there should be future implications? -
LDR skills like...?Originally posted by Devil1976:No point worrying too much about it now... Try catching up and adjusting with her when you get back.. Especially in a more understanding manner so that she could more easily open herself up to you...
You might wanna work on your LDR skills at the same time if there should be future implications? -
Non-physical presence... Like phone calls, mails, internet chats.. etc. 'Absence' can make the heart miss someone more... Can also drift 2 people apart... It's just how you handle it... Work on some of the 'skills' managed to be used as a 'survival tool'... If used appropriately, they can be even better than just being a 'survival tool'... Can really spice up your love life too...Originally posted by itroubled:LDR skills like...? -
Boy...
staying together before marriage was a big mistake...
and ROM knowing u leaving for studies was a bigger mistakes..
erm...u need to tok to her..
understand her thoughts before making all the assumtion -
People changes when they are apart. When you are together all the time you only have each other in your eyes and mind. However it's only when you are seperated from one another that one will start thinking deeper about the relationship etc. She may had reflect upon your relationship for the past years and thought about things which she had not been able to see when you are together. Like she feels that she can be more independent etc. However her main reason for wanting to stay at her parent's might soley be that it's more practical coz it's simply just nearer to work and easier for her. Rather then shifting back and forth when you are back and away. It's just such a chore to shift around and adapt to an environment every now and then. Then again, since you are the bored, free and lonely one when you come back for your holidays, why not consider staying with her at her parent's instead of insisting that she should shift back to your parent's? Frankly i think it does makes sense that she wanna remaining staying at her parent's since she is the one that has to wake up early etc for work and you are the one that will be bumming around. Anyway it's just a temporary solution till you come back for good so why not be more flexible about your options? Think about this, if she is really so comfortable about staying with your parents, why didn't she continue staying there while you were away? For the same reasons, why can't she remain at her parent's when you are back? Then again, maybe when you are back, she might suddenely remembers how much she loves you and wanna be with you that she will actually just give in to you and shift in to your parent's again? Dun worry yourself now, main thing is to study hard and clear your papers. When you are back you can then judge for yourself how much she has or hasn't change. For all the practical reasons, she does have a good point. So, study hard and dun think too much. -
If nothing is wrong, then why don't you move it with her instead?Originally posted by itroubled:I¡¯m currently doing a degree in UK. My wife is in spore. I¡¯ve been here for almost 9 months and about to return in another 3 weeks time. We¡¯ve been married for almost 4 years. Gone thru the ROM but not the customary dinner yet. we have been staying together in my parents¡¯ place ever since after our ROM. When I left for UK, she moved back to her parents¡¯ place¡ much nearer to her working place. Now when I¡¯m in preparation to go back to spore for anout 3-4 months.. she¡¯s telling me that she might not move back to stay with me when I return. Saying that the distance is too far from her work place. Thou, it has always been the case when she stayed with me before I came. Her claim was that no married (ROM) couple would stay together before they have their customary dinner. Did she had a changed of heart? Why didn¡¯t she said that during those times in my parent¡¯s place? To her, it is like we had done things wrong back then and we should not carry on staying together every night from now on.
I was so looking forward to be with her every night when I return. Now that she said that¡ I guess things have changed. I¡¯m so sad to hear that.. and that now I can¡¯t concentrate on my exams in days time. How can things be wrong when we have actually done it for almost 3 years! And it just turned wrong over 9 months!
What is wrong here?
Sad to say this, but definitely something is wrong with her. You know it and that's why you post it over here right? What do you suspect? Yes...maybe she did have a change of hearts, afterall...it has been too long since you have been together with her. Where were you when she needed you the most? Questions like this will filled her mind when she needed you to be there for her. I think going overseas is the most stu.pid decision you made.
Can't really help you in this area since I do not know your wife. Since you know her more than anyone here, why now you are stucked with this situation when you are able to woo her in the first place long ago. Was your relationship easy? Are there no difficulties experienced by the both of you during the course of your relationship? Or is it because you also getting a bit sick of her before you went overseas and you needed some time away from her to make both of you fonder of each other again?
One advice I can give you right now...woo her again. -
what does it mean when she said she loved me when we got married n years ago?
when i ask how abt the situation now.. she just said.. wait till i return to spore for a face-2-face discussion. I think I'm doomed. I've failed. can sense that it's coming to an end. and I'm really at a lost; total lost. this marriage meant everything to me. if it really ends it that way.. i think i'll bid goodbye as well. -
Why get married in the first place where you know that you will be overseas for 4 years and that she won't be by your side?
I can never understand this kind of mentality!
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Maybe he thought that he could tied her with him by marrying her before he went overseas?
I think you also have already lost half of your love for her already. Geez...you sure sounds like a loser. Well...I don't like guys behaving like that. If you still love her and she still means alot to you and you can't live and sleep without her, then take my suggestion and woo her back again.
If you start to make assumptions and think that it is going to end...that's is the point where the entire relationship is really going to end. The reason is because you already lost the battle when you have given up the will to fight. I don't think you really like her at all. Anyway, what is stopping you from taking actions to woo her back again? Your pride??? Or...you need somebody to teach you again how to go after the person you love?
If you love her, go ahead and do something before you bear with the regret for the rest of your life. Only losers wait for their love to come back, winners go ahead and fight for their love.
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Actually... I sense it can mean 2 separate things...?Originally posted by itroubled:what does it mean when she said she loved me when we got married n years ago?
when i ask how abt the situation now.. she just said.. wait till i return to spore for a face-2-face discussion. I think I'm doomed. I've failed. can sense that it's coming to an end. and I'm really at a lost; total lost. this marriage meant everything to me. if it really ends it that way.. i think i'll bid goodbye as well.
1. Like you've said, it's the end...
2. Perhaps she sense that something's not right and hope to work things out with you... And definitely, it'll be easier to do it at a 'face to face' level....
If it's the 1st case, nothing much you can do about it... If it's the 2nd case, it would call for much courage and fight! And let's be ALL OPTIMESTIC... Given up already so soon? If you do, it would probably not be even worth a fight? -
like to clear up some issues here. this study trip wasn't in our plan during the time we got married. plan was to start building up our career and savings so that we can have our own family. unfortunately.. things don always go as planned.
i've sort out the true reason behind her behaviour. It was the way i treated her in the past. I was too possessive. overly possessive. i had always wanted her to do things 'MY' way.. i neglected her needs. at now that this period of separation had made her realised that she did not live her life the way she wanted. she felt that everything was too much.
But honestly, in those initial months i was here in uk alone. i thought abt a lots of things. how i acted in the past.. how much of 'control' i placed on her. I realised that now that I'm in uk. there's no way i can do that anymore. in fact, things did not turned out to be that bad after all. all those 'controlling' was unnecessary. I admit I'm wrong. I did my reflection. I had decided to change. Unfortunately, the volcano erupted.. before i had the chance to go back home to prove it.
we've been together for almost 10 years. i guess i changed my way towards her was after our marriage. i took things for granted, took her for granted. I realised my mistake.
Do i deserved a chance to repent and win her back? i really loved her. She grew inside of me. I can't lose this relationship. I'll do whatever it takes to win her back; cos I really cherish her. I'm sincere to change for good. I hated myself for what i did in the past; i'm remorseful.
Can a man whom realised his mistake given a chance and not sentence him to death without any trial? -
Like i've mentioned previously, it's when you are apart from each other for sometime that you will be able to reflect better on your relationship. Since you've both identified the problem make a point to savage the situation when you go back. You admited that you've been really controlling, so I guess forcing her to shift back with you when you return will not change the situation. She has regain her independence while you were away and she will definately see things in a different light now. She will come on stronger when she make her decision whether you like it or not. So i guess it's time when you should also think in her shoes and it's not everything about you and your own happiness/desires in this relationship. I'm sure if you are willing to change for the better and woe her back, she will definately be touched. It's just sad that when someone is too nice in the relationship, the other party will always take advantage of it... and often it's just too late to make amends coz the damage was just too big to rectify. You best bets now are both of you are already married and you've got 10 years in this relationship... I'm sure she is aware of the stakes and the amount of time wasted/invested in this relationship. I'm sure she will be willing to try again if you are willing to try ..... Any sensible girl will unless you've already pushed thing way way too far ..... if you do come out of this "hurdle" together, it will only make the both of you stronger ... so work towards that goal.... best wishes in salvaging your marriage... !Originally posted by itroubled:like to clear up some issues here. this study trip wasn't in our plan during the time we got married. plan was to start building up our career and savings so that we can have our own family. unfortunately.. things don always go as planned.
i've sort out the true reason behind her behaviour. It was the way i treated her in the past. I was too possessive. overly possessive. i had always wanted her to do things 'MY' way.. i neglected her needs. at now that this period of separation had made her realised that she did not live her life the way she wanted. she felt that everything was too much.
But honestly, in those initial months i was here in uk alone. i thought abt a lots of things. how i acted in the past.. how much of 'control' i placed on her. I realised that now that I'm in uk. there's no way i can do that anymore. in fact, things did not turned out to be that bad after all. all those 'controlling' was unnecessary. I admit I'm wrong. I did my reflection. I had decided to change. Unfortunately, the volcano erupted.. before i had the chance to go back home to prove it.
we've been together for almost 10 years. i guess i changed my way towards her was after our marriage. i took things for granted, took her for granted. I realised my mistake.
Do i deserved a chance to repent and win her back? i really loved her. She grew inside of me. I can't lose this relationship. I'll do whatever it takes to win her back; cos I really cherish her. I'm sincere to change for good. I hated myself for what i did in the past; i'm remorseful.
Can a man whom realised his mistake given a chance and not sentence him to death without any trial? -
FORGET about the 10 years... Try to start things ALL AFRESH... If it's not too late by now?Originally posted by itroubled:like to clear up some issues here. this study trip wasn't in our plan during the time we got married. plan was to start building up our career and savings so that we can have our own family. unfortunately.. things don always go as planned.
i've sort out the true reason behind her behaviour. It was the way i treated her in the past. I was too possessive. overly possessive. i had always wanted her to do things 'MY' way.. i neglected her needs. at now that this period of separation had made her realised that she did not live her life the way she wanted. she felt that everything was too much.
But honestly, in those initial months i was here in uk alone. i thought abt a lots of things. how i acted in the past.. how much of 'control' i placed on her. I realised that now that I'm in uk. there's no way i can do that anymore. in fact, things did not turned out to be that bad after all. all those 'controlling' was unnecessary. I admit I'm wrong. I did my reflection. I had decided to change. Unfortunately, the volcano erupted.. before i had the chance to go back home to prove it.
we've been together for almost 10 years. i guess i changed my way towards her was after our marriage. i took things for granted, took her for granted. I realised my mistake.
Do i deserved a chance to repent and win her back? i really loved her. She grew inside of me. I can't lose this relationship. I'll do whatever it takes to win her back; cos I really cherish her. I'm sincere to change for good. I hated myself for what i did in the past; i'm remorseful.
Can a man whom realised his mistake given a chance and not sentence him to death without any trial? -
hi itroubled.
listen to her. wait till you come back to singapore to resolve anything that is not answered at the moment. you said that between the two of you, you've always done things your way. perhaps it's perfect timing to listen to her and do this her way.
things might not be as bad as you imagined. she's already giving you the chance to talk about it. it doesn't mean the end of the road. if you are sincere in making changes, then perservere in it.
the situation is not helped by the physical distance. many things cannot be resolved over the phone. i'm sure everything can be solved in good time when you return. -
what does it shows when i read her a letter that i wrote abt the things i've thought about; admitting mistakes and the willingness to change, she cried. bet her eyes must be swollen for days. but when i asked her why she cried, she said.. " when i watch sad movies, i cried too"
but on the other hand, she was determine to let go; to give up all the n years of relationship.
sometimes, i really feel very confused.. are there still hope for us? thou... i'll be going back to spore in days time.. i'm really worried. couldn't sleep and eat well.
I've thought about all these in different point of view. some may says why after all these years.. then she voice out? why only after n years of marriage? personally i feel that she did it at the right time. the environment and situation that i'm in now that allowed me to think much more than i know i would do back in spore. The urge to change things round is really strong. Never felt so much about changing myself. Placed my ego above everything else in the past..including her feelings. really regretted.
I've told her abt the forum page that i've wrote. not sure if i should let her read it.
I'm open to any opinion. like to hear more from helpful souls out there.. to see things in different angle which i might have missed.
Not gonna make another mistake.
BTW, i liked to thank all whom had replied. I can feel the force supporting me.
Thank you.