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It's me again.... i reali hate 2 post my problems here... it's not tat tis forum is not a good wan but i prefer 2 solve e problems myself but it doen't seems 2 work well... thou i may b gettin optimal help frm ppl here but e ultimate solution 2 it lies between him n me.....
yesterday, went 2 accompany him, jus raise a qn "Sometimes, do u find me irritating" he said ya at times but he's been tolerating me... i replied if tat's e way, ten it's beta not 2 b 2geta s aft marriage, he may not find e excuse 2 tolerate me anymore (i feel it shouldn't be tat way)... tink he was quite pissed wit it... ten he told me tat he doesn't like me 2 put another guy's photo in my phone but i did ask him e qn whether he mind it but he said he dun (y mus he deny it in the 1st place wen he dun like it), i told him abt this many many times, if he dun like something, he MUST voice it out but he didn't, raise it up only when arguing times/quarrelling times which i really hate it...
Also, aft my work, i also hope 2 spend time wit my colleagues (also my frens), y can't he understand tat, u see, all e times, i haf been spendin time wit him, neglecting my frens, my family... wen i tell him that i'll b comin over 2 mit him n in end i'm not, he get so frustrated.... in e first place i din even promise him tat i'll def b coming.... i dun feel tat i'm wrong s i'm spendin time at hm n not wit other ppl, wit my family members, is tat wrong of me??? wen we r married, we haf ample of time 2geta or maybe we may even get bored of seein each other, dun u tink so??? i stress tis 2 him many times already, u can't he understand...
i was so angry wit him tat i can't b bothered 2 voice it out n haf a gd talk wit him, i feel it's totally pointless n useless... so i went 2 bed... i was half asleep, heard him sayin 2 another girl tat he's mitin her or them 4 a show, if he's sayin tat 2 spite me, i feel it's childish of him... wen i was really falling asleep, he keeps disturbing me, saying he wanted to hug me... it's ok that he hug me but he's always figeting n that disturbs my sleep... Just think of it this way, u r really tired n exhausted aft a day at work, u just wan to have a gd nite rest but u can't, how do u feel???
this posting is just for me to vent my anger & frustration....
if u guys wan, feel free to drop a post too....
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relax lah ... mi no gf lah... so no such problem... haiz.. mi so sad, no gf...
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hahahaha
sgboy of course no gf lah. sgboy not lesbian wat.
oppsOriginally posted by sgboy2004:relax lah ... mi no gf lah... so no such problem... haiz.. mi so sad, no gf... -
oopsOriginally posted by foga: hahahaha
sgboy of course no gf lah. sgboy not lesbian wat. opps
got found out liao...mi go hide -
I read your story here, but what is it exactly that you want? I don't really understand the problem here.
You seems correct in wanting to spend some time with you frds after work...well...there is nothing wrong with it. But when you overheard that he will be meeting some frds(maybe girl lah...how u know?) for movie, you seems jealous of it. Why? Okie...maybe I shouldn't be asking you why. But the same kind of feelings that you felt run through him when he also know that you will be spending time with your frds after work(maybe guy...he also dunno right?).
Hmm...regarding the guys photos in your mobile phone....what will you feel if he had other girls photos in his mobile phone?
Guys are like this what...if you say you going to meet him, of course he will take you seriously and wait for you to meet up with him. So why bother to tell him that you might be meeting him in the first place? So that explains his frustration lor. I guess nobody likes to wait for somebody who don't bother to turn up. Can you accept him to do the same thing to you in the first place?
Somehow while reading through your posting, I felt that you don't really love him anymore. Is that correct? I feel sorry for your guy...but there is really nothing that he can do to make everyone happier. Sometimes it is necessary to change to create happiness in a relationship. If you still treasure your relationship with him, do have a talk with him...maybe after dinner or something...most guys will have a better mood for a talk when his stomach is full. Be willing to compromise as the same goes for him as well. Stubbornness in a relationship is not going to make both parties happy.
Okie...all those is workable if you still love him and want to save your relationship before it is too late. Do watch the tone of your voice when talking with each other...same goes for him as well. Different tones in our voices ignite different feelings and understanding for each other...afterall, we are all emotional creatures. I think your guy misses you and the happier times both of you had together.
Just some advice...and good luck to the both of you. -
since you're not here for help.
Then let me just drop something for you to ponder. My honest opinion.
Since you've felt yourself grown(mentality) faster then he is. Why carry on?
Doesn't it make you feeling much worse off talking to a person to doesn't see your point and only insisting on his.
With his insecurities and bratty personalities. It just adds on to another reason.
Please please please.......spare me on your thoughts about marriage.
I believe you have no idea what you're dealing with now, let alone a sealed marriage.
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Basically, i know i have no rights to reprimand anyone here.
But have you honestly, sat down. Take a breather and clear your mind from everything. Start to think how things actually happened?
-Ever thought that there were many a time when arguements arises, the selfish person is you?
Self justification is really brewing here.
Pls...i know it's a ego thing. But justifying your thoughts doesn't save any arguements nor the relationship.
-Ever wonder how things became this state? It may be a small case....and could still be talking about marriage.
But hey! There's a communication breakdown here and one is left upset and frustrated. And the other, confuse and insecure.
-Ever thought you're the one who's losing interest?
The simple things which both did....those times...which you could remember and cherish. Where was it?
Maybe you need to re-walk that route again and check yourself if he's still the one you Love and you will carry on living your latter life with him.
-Quarrels you have are very issue centered.
All circling around the main point. Arguing about minor issues when the main structure, foundations are breaking apart. Sit down and be a grown up(Pls)....talk things out and be objective.
I'm quite sure you'll be very offended or worse....bruised by this post.
Well...i've got to be honest and sincerely advise yourself to conduct Self-reflection.
The best policy of relationship is not who's right, but honesty. -
halo there parn.. for ur info i m the stupid bf of hers who is causing her all this problems. and i believe u r a guy as u can understand how i feel... abt her firstly 'telling' me but not 'promising' that she will be coming over to accompany me.. stimulating alot of interest as i pine for her all the time.. naturally i'll be longing for the day to come so that she comes over to accompany me.. and imagine the rude shock i get when last min she tells me she can't make it? well.. she won't understand this as she's very easy going.. she's got many others to care for her etc.. but for me i have no one.. really no one.. i live my life my own until i met her a couple of years ago.. since then she's been everything for me...and i've been wanting to spend all my time with her.. at times when she says she wants to meet her frenz, i reluctantly let her go to meet her frenz as i know that it's not healthy to hold on to her all the time.. she needs breathing space also..
and abt me meeting frenz who mite be gals.. i dun think that she will get jealous or wat.. coz i feel she's really very easy going.. i also duno if i m here just as a 'pass time' for her till she meets that one person who is ideal enough for her...
and abt u saying that no one like being held up... yup it's true.. i also dun like being held up.. but i have waited for like ages for her just to knock off and still continue to do so but i never vent my anger on her or wat.. at times i do voice out how i feel lor.. like u know.. sometimes she will tell me she'll be down in 10 mins after i wait like 2 hrs for her?.. but then the 10 mins will turn to 1 hr and still she won't be down or even msg me to tell me.. i'll be like there standing like an idiot... i guess i must be the only stupid idiot to still do that for my gf after so many times being stood up by her. yes, she might be busy at work but can't she be more precise abt her timings? or rather can't she like send a msg or wat? yes, she has told me before not to fetch her if i wanna complain etc.. but i just dunno why.. even after work .. i'm so tired and very little time to sleep.. i'll still go there to find her and waste my precious sleeping time at the bus stop waiting for her.. i know i'm stupid..
well.. regarding the photos thingie.. how would u feel if ur gf met some guy overseas and keeps his photo in her phone and proudly shows off to others? i can't rem her askign me for permission.. maybe she did? but then how can i tell her "hey look.. u can't do that!" and show her how petty i am etc? she should just realise how she would feel if i do likewise to her rite? also when tell her things, she tends to get angry VERY easily if she does not agree with me or is offended. as for askign me yesterday if i m offended cause her frenz were curious how come she put another guy photo there and me,the bf, dun mind? of coz i mind!! but i was just trying to be accomodating just like she told me to be more accomodating to her. even her frenz all know that their bf will mind if they put other guys photo but it's just that mine don't realise. i also did ask her how will she feel if i put this particular fren photo into my hp as i find her very pretty. my gf knows that i find her very appealing and pretty. to this, my gf immed said she dun like. thats when i told her.. "just as u dun like i also dun like.. it's the same.. " to this she become angry saying why in the first place i never reject her putting the photo. but i didn't wanna restrict her u know? i even did try to 'hint' her before. when that guy's photo came up in her hp, i immediately removed her photo which i had been keeping all along and replaced it with another "model's" photo and even at times put my dog's photo but never hers. she also didnt suspect anything.i know myself btw that i'm very ugly and it's not 'proud' enuf to put my photo on her hp.. but i'm not asking her to put my photo there.. just that how could she put others photo? everyone realises it but not her.. anyway this is a minor thing.. like i said she's very easy going. it;'s just me who is sensitive to every little thing she does because i got no one. my life is so miserable at work and even at home.
and i'm VERY sad to read that my gal does not love me anymore.i can feel it also btw.. because her attitudes have been changing. for example, for wat i know, if a guy or gal wants to go out and the opposite half asks if the person wants him/her to come along.. the person will surely be happy and ask to come along rite? but mine, when i ask her if she wants me to come accompany her go out etc.. she'll say it's up to me.. maybe it's a very mature and unselfish answr but it's me who's taking it negatively,i dunno...yes i do miss her alot despite spending all my time with her.. but i guess her love has died and she's with me just cause it's been like a 'habit'? i am very sad to post my answer and my feelings in this forum. i tried talking to her but she refuses to speak to me.. she says she'll speak to me when she's feeling better... but i think it's better to let my feelings be read here by her.
i know many ppl will tell us that we're not compatible and should not be together etc anymore. and that i'll get many negative remarks from the forummers. but so be it.. these are my true feelings and i dun give a damn abt what those ppl goin to reply.
to my gal: decide wat u r goin to do. i hope u will understand more from this posting and from wat parn and others said. i dunno y but maybe its coz ur love has died down thats why u dun like me to hug u etc? if so pls tell. i wanted to spend this holiday happily with u as all my other times, i was either doing duty, unable to come home or was on an exercise. but it's turn out this way.. nvm so be it. also it hurts to always suggesting that 'we should not be together if no one is happy'
and i dun undertsnad why whenever i ask u to speak to me.. u duwan but choose to coem here to post.. sigh..nvm.. i'm going out now.. not meeting anyone but just alone.. when u r awake, hope u'll understand after reading this.
and also.. it does not hurt to keep repeating ur feelings if i do something wrong. u can talk to me instead of getting frustrated that u been saying many times but i still repeat. sometimes i get a mental block tats y i can't rem things. u won't understand what i'm going thru at the ^%$7ing military work place i m at. hope u'll be happier from now on...
and yes.. gone were the days where we both could talk everything under teh sun n be happy together.. nowdays whatever we talk, u seem to get angry real easily.. maybe like McSquare said, should just walk that route again to check if u still have feelings for me?
really feel very sad that we have to resort to this to solve our problems.. -
Originally posted by independent girl:
It's me again.... i reali hate 2 post my problems here... it's not tat tis forum is not a good wan but i prefer 2 solve e problems myself but it doen't seems 2 work well... thou i may b gettin optimal help frm ppl here but e ultimate solution 2 it lies between him n me.....
yesterday, went 2 accompany him, jus raise a qn "Sometimes, do u find me irritating" he said ya at times but he's been tolerating me... i replied if tat's e way, ten it's beta not 2 b 2geta s aft marriage, he may not find e excuse 2 tolerate me anymore (i feel it shouldn't be tat way)... tink he was quite pissed wit it... ten he told me tat he doesn't like me 2 put another guy's photo in my phone but i did ask him e qn whether he mind it but he said he dun (y mus he deny it in the 1st place wen he dun like it), i told him abt this many many times, if he dun like something, he MUST voice it out but he didn't, raise it up only when arguing times/quarrelling times which i really hate it...
[b]Its sometime too minor to bring up at a that time. or dat actually he does not want to hurt ur feelings. But when quarreling, ppl lose their rational....let go things out of anger, not bcoz they really mind but wan to win e arguement..
Also, aft my work, i also hope 2 spend time wit my colleagues (also my frens), y can't he understand tat, u see, all e times, i haf been spendin time wit him, neglecting my frens, my family... wen i tell him that i'll b comin over 2 mit him n in end i'm not, he get so frustrated.... in e first place i din even promise him tat i'll def b coming.... i dun feel tat i'm wrong s i'm spendin time at hm n not wit other ppl, wit my family members, is tat wrong of me??? wen we r married, we haf ample of time 2geta or maybe we may even get bored of seein each other, dun u tink so??? i stress tis 2 him many times already, u can't he understand...
I tink it is wrong for a guy to stop her gf from mixing wif some fds...I have a fd gal whose bf was like dat when they were together.....gf not allow to mix wif her fds..all the fds slowly left the gf bcoz nv mix wif them....in e end break up wif bf....e gf got no one to turn to at all.......no one to comfort her....in e end attempt to kill herself...Pls do mix wif some fds and have a personal life.....when the world crash on u, there is another shelter nearby...
I was so angry wit him tat i can't b bothered 2 voice it out n haf a gd talk wit him, i feel it's totally pointless n useless... so i went 2 bed... i was half asleep, heard him sayin 2 another girl tat he's mitin her or them 4 a show, if he's sayin tat 2 spite me, i feel it's childish of him... wen i was really falling asleep, he keeps disturbing me, saying he wanted to hug me... it's ok that he hug me but he's always figeting n that disturbs my sleep... Just think of it this way, u r really tired n exhausted aft a day at work, u just wan to have a gd nite rest but u can't, how do u feel???
I admit I do that just to make my gf angry bcoz shes stuck to me w whole day when she got no outing...do dat just to make her go away
....but if he is disturbing ur sleep....simple....dun sleep wif him...sleep at ur own home....or sofa...seriously....I strongly believe that U do not have enough sleep, dats y feel very troubled....having insufficient sleep can reduce ur prob solving abilities by 40%!
Just sharing my expierence & tots[/b] -
Woohooo.. This is exciting... Now we got both sides of the story.. Ain't this fun??
I dunno what to say, but I think there's some differences both parties NEED to sort out... Since both of you are planning to get married, I just want to urge both of you to really consider if the other party is the person that you want to marry. Really.. I'm asking this, because people usually think that marriages will solve all the problems, but "NO". Marriages don't solve any problems.. Your problems will still be problems, whether now or later. This is why there's so many cases of divorce lately.
Worse come to worse... making the decision that I made to a 4-yr relationship that I had, after asking myself this question, "Is this the person I want to marry?" Answered "No" to it, and broke away. I'm not saying that both of you need to do the same, but with all the name calling, and blaming, some thing is definitely wrong with the relationship between the two of you. Are you going to blame each other for not changing the diapers of the baby next time??
Can only say, reflect on your actions and words. In a relationship, one is as much wrong as the other... And Parn should not to be blamed for anything too; he/she is just helping... -
Originally posted by biskiti82:
Yah I feel quite sad for u too, but from these postings, i think the both of u still want to make this relationship work out, so I feel it is far from over. Make the best use of your time together. and good luck.
halo there parn.. for ur info i m the stupid bf of hers who is causing her all this problems. and i believe u r a guy as u can understand how i feel... abt her firstly 'telling' me but not 'promising' that she will be coming over to accompany me.. stimulating alot of interest as i pine for her all the time.. naturally i'll be longing for the day to come so that she comes over to accompany me.. and imagine the rude shock i get when last min she tells me she can't make it? well.. she won't understand this as she's very easy going.. she's got many others to care for her etc.. but for me i have no one.. really no one.. i live my life my own until i met her a couple of years ago.. since then she's been everything for me...and i've been wanting to spend all my time with her.. at times when she says she wants to meet her frenz, i reluctantly let her go to meet her frenz as i know that it's not healthy to hold on to her all the time.. she needs breathing space also..
and abt me meeting frenz who mite be gals.. i dun think that she will get jealous or wat.. coz i feel she's really very easy going.. i also duno if i m here just as a 'pass time' for her till she meets that one person who is ideal enough for her...
[b]Just wonder if she is really as "easy going" as what u claim, and if she thinks your relationship with her is a "pass time" for her, why would she bother to write here?
It is not so much that you have no one in your life but your gf to talk to, but rather that you "choose" not to engage the other people who came into your life, such as your army buddies or old sch friends. If u can understand that your gf needs breathing space, why dont u help to achieve that by giving yourself some breathing space? From the face of it, it seems that your gf seems to be smothered by u, but I see it as you are smothering yourself.
and abt u saying that no one like being held up... yup it's true.. i also dun like being held up.. but i have waited for like ages for her just to knock off and still continue to do so but i never vent my anger on her or wat.. at times i do voice out how i feel lor.. like u know.. sometimes she will tell me she'll be down in 10 mins after i wait like 2 hrs for her?.. but then the 10 mins will turn to 1 hr and still she won't be down or even msg me to tell me.. i'll be like there standing like an idiot... i guess i must be the only stupid idiot to still do that for my gf after so many times being stood up by her. yes, she might be busy at work but can't she be more precise abt her timings? or rather can't she like send a msg or wat? yes, she has told me before not to fetch her if i wanna complain etc.. but i just dunno why.. even after work .. i'm so tired and very little time to sleep.. i'll still go there to find her and waste my precious sleeping time at the bus stop waiting for her.. i know i'm stupid..
It is not helpful to give yourself names, like calling yourself stupid, because that will only try to shift the pressure of blame onto the girl. That is really "selfish" I feel, because u r trying to make her the guilty party. But if she is really taking too long, she should have the initiative to tell you why she will be delayed. If u agree to meet her at 5, dont come at 4.30 and start to feel impatient, and then keep bugging her when she will be done. Come at 5 sharp, and expect to wait for a short while, but when work requires it, she may have to work late, but she should at least tell u. If she doesnt, well then that suggests something else.
well.. regarding the photos thingie.. how would u feel if ur gf met some guy overseas and keeps his photo in her phone and proudly shows off to others? i can't rem her askign me for permission.. maybe she did? but then how can i tell her "hey look.. u can't do that!" and show her how petty i am etc? she should just realise how she would feel if i do likewise to her rite? also when tell her things, she tends to get angry VERY easily if she does not agree with me or is offended. as for askign me yesterday if i m offended cause her frenz were curious how come she put another guy photo there and me,the bf, dun mind? of coz i mind!! but i was just trying to be accomodating just like she told me to be more accomodating to her. even her frenz all know that their bf will mind if they put other guys photo but it's just that mine don't realise. i also did ask her how will she feel if i put this particular fren photo into my hp as i find her very pretty. my gf knows that i find her very appealing and pretty. to this, my gf immed said she dun like. thats when i told her.. "just as u dun like i also dun like.. it's the same.. " to this she become angry saying why in the first place i never reject her putting the photo. but i didn't wanna restrict her u know? i even did try to 'hint' her before. when that guy's photo came up in her hp, i immediately removed her photo which i had been keeping all along and replaced it with another "model's" photo and even at times put my dog's photo but never hers. she also didnt suspect anything.i know myself btw that i'm very ugly and it's not 'proud' enuf to put my photo on her hp.. but i'm not asking her to put my photo there.. just that how could she put others photo? everyone realises it but not her.. anyway this is a minor thing.. like i said she's very easy going. it;'s just me who is sensitive to every little thing she does because i got no one. my life is so miserable at work and even at home.
Your last sentence is doing it again - self-pity. Getting sympathy from others will not help u solve your problem. Dont do that.
The gist of the photo matter is that you dont like what your gf is doing, but u dont say??? accomodating her?? So you were not true to your own feelings? Why is that? Do u consider your gf to be so unreasonable and not understanding or immature that you have to give in to her all the time?
She said that you ought to have told her that you dont like it in the first place - and I feel she is right. When u feel that she is not getting any "hints", tell her direct.
Anyway this is a small matter like what you say, so compromise?
and i'm VERY sad to read that my gal does not love me anymore.i can feel it also btw.. because her attitudes have been changing. for example, for wat i know, if a guy or gal wants to go out and the opposite half asks if the person wants him/her to come along.. the person will surely be happy and ask to come along rite? but mine, when i ask her if she wants me to come accompany her go out etc.. she'll say it's up to me.. maybe it's a very mature and unselfish answr but it's me who's taking it negatively,i dunno...yes i do miss her alot despite spending all my time with her.. but i guess her love has died and she's with me just cause it's been like a 'habit'? i am very sad to post my answer and my feelings in this forum. i tried talking to her but she refuses to speak to me.. she says she'll speak to me when she's feeling better... but i think it's better to let my feelings be read here by her.
I remember from a previous post, a forumite named Yunhaier suggested that it was because your circumstances have changed = she is working, u r in the army, that made u guys have an attitude change. (towards life perhaps??) And until u can reverse the roles and experience what each other is going through, it is not likely that you and your gf can fully appreciate the extent of each other's problems at work. Sometimes words cannot fully express how one feels about something. And because of this, there is a need for more emphathy for each other. Dont claim u understand all her problems, because u cannot, but rather help her to release her thoughts and her problems. She should also do the same for u, when u meet with such problems. Listen and dont judge, even when she asks you to.
i know many ppl will tell us that we're not compatible and should not be together etc anymore. and that i'll get many negative remarks from the forummers. but so be it.. these are my true feelings and i dun give a damn abt what those ppl goin to reply.
Most are my comments are indeed negative, sorry to say, and may seem to reflect more on u than your gf, but your gf is not without her faults too. I am not going to tell u that u r not competible, but rather it is for u guys to decide.
to my gal: decide wat u r goin to do. i hope u will understand more from this posting and from wat parn and others said. i dunno y but maybe its coz ur love has died down thats why u dun like me to hug u etc? if so pls tell. i wanted to spend this holiday happily with u as all my other times, i was either doing duty, unable to come home or was on an exercise. but it's turn out this way.. nvm so be it. also it hurts to always suggesting that 'we should not be together if no one is happy'
and i dun undertsnad why whenever i ask u to speak to me.. u duwan but choose to coem here to post.. sigh..nvm.. i'm going out now.. not meeting anyone but just alone.. when u r awake, hope u'll understand after reading this.
and also.. it does not hurt to keep repeating ur feelings if i do something wrong. u can talk to me instead of getting frustrated that u been saying many times but i still repeat. sometimes i get a mental block tats y i can't rem things. u won't understand what i'm going thru at the ^%$7ing military work place i m at. hope u'll be happier from now on...
and yes.. gone were the days where we both could talk everything under teh sun n be happy together.. nowdays whatever we talk, u seem to get angry real easily.. maybe like McSquare said, should just walk that route again to check if u still have feelings for me?
really feel very sad that we have to resort to this to solve our problems.. [/b]
Just my 2 cents worth. [/b] -
biskiti82: Wrong move to type yours here. Really wrong move.
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Thanks Loud Monkey......
Ya, u r right, if i dun love him anymore, i wouldn't even bother to write in the forum...
at times, i'm really tired of telling him again n again of the problems we r in.. even if i tell him so, there'll be new problems arising again... he's stressful at work so am i..... i'm working at a wafer fab industry if u guys know my job scope.... it's stressful, always worrying that might make a slightest mistake that'll maybe put a stop to ur job.... he must understand that as an AE(Assistant Engineer), thou i might be off work at this time but if there's issues for me to handle, i've to n i MUST, it's not something that i can refuse... i'm new to this line n also hope to learn more.... i did raise this to him n it's over(this problem is over), y must him bring it up again??? i told him b4, he wan2 sacriface his sleep, that's becos he wan2, i'm not forcing him... If there's any Engineer or AE outta, maybe u guys can understand what i've been thru..
i also wan2 go home n sleep but e thing is if i told him i wan2 stay at hm, he'll show his displeasure n attitude again.... when we quarrel time, he'll bring this issue up again.....
i've alwaz encourage him to mit up wit his frens etc so that when i'm mitin my fren, he wont feel bored at home.....
I STILL LOVE HIM N I ALWAYS DO... just that i'm tired emotionally n physically.... can't seems to find the optimal solution to it... i chose to shut myself........ if talking will knock sense into him, y do i bother to seek approach from Aunt Agony, rite???
also my dad is sick, the more i would wan2 spend more time wit him (who knows when he'll leave us), his illness is an incurable illness, my bf is not experiencing it so he might not understand... being stressed at work as well as at home... at times, i really going to burst out bt i can't cos if i burst out, e whole family will break down too..... he has nothing to worry abt.... only that he stressed at work n no money issue... he has to learn to take things easy at work.... no one likes to work, work just for the sake of $$$$, same for me....
as for money issue, at times, i feel he brought it upon himself.... he should know what i'm referring to... i shall not elaborate more on this.
he's says he's gettin a brain shock or something like this, how n what abt me??? at times, he's bringing problems to himself, n i should say serve him rite!!!!
if in the first place, i'm REALLY a materialistic girl, i would have go gor an engineer or an officer etc but i'm still wit him, going thru the ups n downs.... tolerating the nonsense that his aunts n at times his mum is giving me..... y am i doing all this????
it's not that i dun wan to talk abt it but i'm VERY tired u know.... he's v negative in his tots, he's manipulating all this.... he can choose to b happy but he din.....
i choose to be happy but i can't..... u guys get it......
anyway, thanks for the postings no matter whether is it +ve or -ve....
this issue is for him to solve..... at times do i really have to spell myself v clearly..... he can go out wit girls, i REALLY dun mind cos i REALLY TRUST him s long s he let me know b4 hand, that's what i always do......
u guys will not really understand unless rite now u guys r in our shoes............ -
M©+square
y is it wrg move of him to type here??????? -
BY posting each party's thoughts, it let us know the whole situation better. Its actually quite a good move.
Maybe, both parties may get annoyed at the stuff that each other wrote, but, if they can sit down calmly and not have bias thoughts, this is actually a good way of communicating to each other.
At this point of time, I guess both of them had a slight idea of each other's thoughts.
Wish you guys good luck and hopefully you guys can sort this problem fast.
Cheers. -
Let's meet up together and sit down calmly and talk.Originally posted by donjng:BY posting each party's thoughts, it let us know the whole situation better. Its actually quite a good move.
Maybe, both parties may get annoyed at the stuff that each other wrote, but, if they can sit down calmly and not have bias thoughts, this is actually a good way of communicating to each other.
At this point of time, I guess both of them had a slight idea of each other's thoughts.
Wish you guys good luck and hopefully you guys can sort this problem fast.
Cheers.
Because we can play mediator and we know the situation as well.
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[quote]Originally posted by independent girl:
Thanks Loud Monkey......
Ya, u r right, if i dun love him anymore, i wouldn't even bother to write in the forum...
at times, i'm really tired of telling him again n again of the problems we r in.. even if i tell him so, there'll be new problems arising again... he's stressful at work so am i..... i'm working at a wafer fab industry if u guys know my job scope.... it's stressful, always worrying that might make a slightest mistake that'll maybe put a stop to ur job.... he must understand that as an AE(Assistant Engineer), thou i might be off work at this time but if there's issues for me to handle, i've to n i MUST, it's not something that i can refuse... i'm new to this line n also hope to learn more.... i did raise this to him n it's over(this problem is over), y must him bring it up again??? i told him b4, he wan2 sacriface his sleep, that's becos he wan2, i'm not forcing him... If there's any Engineer or AE outta, maybe u guys can understand what i've been thru..
Well, You may think the problem is over, but not him.
If the problem is really over, why would he raise it again? Appareantly he cannot appreciate what u have told him eariler, so u need him to make him appreciate (not merely understand) your situation, though it can be tough mentally, but u have to try. But also APPRECIATE why your bf does what he did as well. Do not give up in persuing this. The key word here: RATIONAL communication. Watch your tone sometimes - it may be interpreted as being emotional (even though u may be a gal) , which does not go in very far with a guy. Try to control, if u want something constructive to build up.
In any case, when he sacrifices his sleep, he must be doing it for u, and u know that. When u say "I'm not forcing him", to me (at least), it smacks of bo chup-ness. This is where I mean u must watch your tone and words very carefully. You dont want him to misinterpret your real intentions.
i also wan2 go home n sleep but e thing is if i told him i wan2 stay at hm, he'll show his displeasure n attitude again.... when we quarrel time, he'll bring this issue up again.....
communication problem again here. One needs rest, the other needs company. Try to reconcile the two, and work out a solution that is acceptable to both of you. Not easy, but dont give up.
i've alwaz encourage him to mit up wit his frens etc so that when i'm mitin my fren, he wont feel bored at home.....
I STILL LOVE HIM N I ALWAYS DO... just that i'm tired emotionally n physically.... can't seems to find the optimal solution to it... i chose to shut myself........ if talking will knock sense into him, y do i bother to seek approach from Aunt Agony, rite???
both of u should find a time where u will feel less stressed to have a face to face talk. When u meet up, it is important that u both r not tired emotionally and physically, more constructive progress can then be better made.
also my dad is sick, the more i would wan2 spend more time wit him (who knows when he'll leave us), his illness is an incurable illness, my bf is not experiencing it so he might not understand... being stressed at work as well as at home... at times, i really going to burst out bt i can't cos if i burst out, e whole family will break down too..... he has nothing to worry abt.... only that he stressed at work n no money issue... he has to learn to take things easy at work.... no one likes to work, work just for the sake of $$$$, same for me....
as for money issue, at times, i feel he brought it upon himself.... he should know what i'm referring to... i shall not elaborate more on this.
DO NOT assume that your bf has nothing to worry about - didnt u just say that he has cash problems? He may have more. While the two problems (parent and money problems) may appear distinct - they give the same effects - emotional and physical stress. How people handle stress is different as well, but try to look at it in the way that no one problem is bigger or smaller than the other. Each individual problem needs attention, and thus give each other support (emotional or otherwise) to help each other alleviate (maybe not solve) their problems, and do not expect anything in return. The WORST thing to do is to bo chup each other, and not listen to one another.
he's says he's gettin a brain shock or something like this, how n what abt me??? at times, he's bringing problems to himself, n i should say serve him rite!!!!
if in the first place, i'm REALLY a materialistic girl, i would have go gor an engineer or an officer etc but i'm still wit him, going thru the ups n downs.... tolerating the nonsense that his aunts n at times his mum is giving me..... y am i doing all this????
it's not that i dun wan to talk abt it but i'm VERY tired u know.... he's v negative in his tots, he's manipulating all this.... he can choose to b happy but he din.....
The above are all qi hua or angry words, and they are not helpful, hope u realise that
i choose to be happy but i can't..... u guys get it......
anyway, thanks for the postings no matter whether is it +ve or -ve....
this issue is for him to solve..... at times do i really have to spell myself v clearly..... he can go out wit girls, i REALLY dun mind cos i REALLY TRUST him s long s he let me know b4 hand, that's what i always do......
u guys will not really understand unless rite now u guys r in our shoes............
Your last sentence is the most accurate = we can never fully appreciate what u have been thru. So just give it your best shot= and dont give up, unless one of u wants to let it go.
Good Luck. -
Too many cooks spoil the broth!Originally posted by M©+square:Let's meet up together and sit down calmly and talk.
Because we can play mediator and we know the situation as well. -
well, it seems that there are a couple whom have 2 different characteristics and 2 different thinkings here which cause these problems...
like wat u said, only the both of u know wat is going on really, the feelings etc.. but dun give up, unless either 1 of u wants to..
good luck, hope the both of u be as loving as b4... -
well, aft hearing both sides of stories....u all r definitely not ready to get into marriage yet...a r/s needs compromising, respect for each other and many more....maybe both of u are still angry, why not let each other cool down first, think properly what u all want out of this r/s...if u all wants to keep this r/s, talk things out in a nice manner...
Good Luck! -
i don't know how to help ......
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Its a lack of communication in this relationship...Originally posted by beagle:i don't know how to help ......
sigh... -
Same people, same circumstances, different attitude! We choose how we want to see pple. When we want to like someone, we can be so tolerant. When we want to be irritated by people, we focus on their faults. It's not other people's behavior that determines how we feel about them- it's our attitude
Most of us spend more time thinking about what's wrong than what's right.
People who concentrate on the negatives usually defend themselves by saying "I'm just being realistic" The fact is YOU CREATE YOUR REALITY. You choose how you see everyone else. Take anybody in your life and concentrate on what you like about them, and you relationship will improve. It can be hard, and even scary, but it works.
Hope this helps. -
Your relationship is like a sinking ship, with the exception that it could be repaired in time if both of you want it to be. Ironically and without realising, you two exerted much pressure onto the relationship - indirectly dealing blows to this ship and hasten the process of this declining phrase. I will NOT talk about your daily-experience with one another and how it causes much dis-satisfaction in the relationship - rather allow me to show you the root of your love.
Why relationship is called relationship? - A relationship is like moving on a ship; you steer where you wished to venture, thus relationSHIP.
Let me fringing` reassure you both that LOVE has always been existing in both side, but it is because you two are so self-absorbed in containing your ideal way of leading your own love that the other didn't have enough time and the breath to catch up. Love is not about looking at each other - rather it is to explore a new realm where you both can SHARE and LOOK upon the same new direction.
He has different personality and lifestyle and she vice vista. What you both have been doing currently is to accept and suffer because nothing is done to seek new alternative together and blend these two element together harmoniously.
Compromise as you both claim? Have you two truely did what you both have claim? No - in fact, the holes that are created in your relationship is because the two of you felt that you have compromised already and it's draining and exhausting to keep compromising on the SAME issue. But careful readings reveal this: none of the compromising actually took place - in fact, you two practice avoidance instead.
Let me show you the stuff you two have posted:Girl: i replied if tat's e way, ten it's beta not 2 b 2geta s aft marriage, he may not find e excuse 2 tolerate me anymore...
Guy: why in the first place i never reject her putting the photo. but i didn't wanna restrict her u know? Compromise is a mutually agreed decision after careful consideration of issue. Avoidance is to seek for the line of least resistance - in simple: simplest way out. Both of you handle your relationship this way: to attempt to avoid quarreling, you hush about issue that could bring possible conflicts directly - not realising, it accumulates by amounts and by then, you both never knew where to repair the damage because too many holes are surfacing.
The next problem in this relationship - you two assume far too much. In CloUdiSm Remix III - one of love's greatest killer is to assume. Even with good Mercury and Neptune synastry aspect cannot always guarantee actual telepathy and empathy between couples - he assumed that she should do this and she assumed that he should know that - it weakens your relationship because reality have shown otherwise.Girl: wen i was really falling asleep, he keeps disturbing me, saying he wanted to hug me... it's ok that he hug me but he's always figeting n that disturbs my sleep...
Guy: even her frenz all know that their bf will mind if they put other guys photo but it's just that mine don't realise. Presuming I am the guy "Actually I want to hug her because I know she is tried and I want to give her the emotional support to show that I am there for her, even when she is mentally and physically drained because of work.
Presuming I am the girl "It doesn't matter because the photo in my heart is always you. The photo in my wallet is just a good friend and even so, it doesn't signify anything because what matters is WHO'S in the heart and not the wallet."
Imagine what I had just said above explain the actual mindset and behavior took place for you two - without communication, DO YOU NOW SEE HOW MISUNDERSTANDING CAN EASILY APPEAR AND RUIN YOUR RELATIONSHIP? And that you never see what's the possible real picture behind. Where's the heart and lips to speak and let known? Love is expressive, with hint of understanding, not keeping mum and lead day-by-day as it is.
*** He has limited social life, love his gf through intimacy and constant security.
She has good social life and never want to sacrifice them. She loves her bf through understanding, practiciality and time of crisis.
And the sad thing is that you both share much love for each other, without the knowledge to handle personality and lifestyle clashes. From a helicopter point of view, it's not even about a change of heart nor some really serious matter, therefore your issue can be solve, altered and mould into something that can be accepted by two side.
Don't try to get used because it doesn't work in this case. Always learn to have something that allows both side to live smoothly without having to ponder about the problem behind your head.
*** Now, if you two can't make a decision on how you want your relationship to go, then just listen to me and follow what I have to say (please note you do not have to answer to me nor anyone else - you only need to answer to each other):
I) Answer this question: Do you still want the relationship? If want, then are you prepared to spare all effort to maintain, salvage and revamp this relationship? (Forget about this whole thing if any one of the answer is No. This appears to be a simple question, but do not answer it hastily. Take one day consideration to answer them - because you don't want to waste each other's time)
II) Because you both are willing to revamp the relationship after (I) - Embrace this theory "We can't go go back and start everything afresh, we can only move forward and create a new ending" To begin, we shall start with words and letters first. Go home go up a written draft on whatever satisfaction either one of you have in the relationship. Next, draw up another draft on the disatisfaction part. Exchange them after you both have written.
III) Meet 2 hours later or something after each of you have read them word for word. Embrace this theory: "It was not a question of love. It was a question of a man." Sit down and begin the speech phrase - 3 Phrase: Clarification, Discussion, Suggestion. Clarify anything that you have want to say before you talk about your relationship. After all is cleared, lay down what you both have written and understand each other's point of view and mindsets.
You must understand your relationship, each other's character and the love itself. Suggestion on how to handle the issue must be made, especially on recurring issue like late without notice, etc. It must be agreed mutually and both must be able to picture a certain acceptance even when suggestion is in effect for long term.
IV) Problems in relationship common. Conflicts can be dissolve. Embrace this theory: "I have learned not to worry about love, but to honor its coming with all my heart." From (III), you understand how your relationship is like - now, talk about the vision of your relationship. Where is it heeding and what's the definition of your relationship? The glue that keep it going? Your love's fuel? Your future (not about marriage, but about the future of your love and relationship) and everything else. Have a good gauge on where your relationship walks and avoid making it wander aimlessly around.
V) Spend the remaining time apologing, making up, enjoy quiet moments and everything else.
P.S: Love is an attempt to change, a piece of the dream world into reality. Are you both willing to make this conflict vanished? Or at least settle them now and knowing where to repair the next time damage appears again? If old issue keep springing up, that means you two didn't really solve it. Learn to solve things ONCE and for ALL. True love never come easy - you want true love don't you? You can only work for them for they are never given away.
Cheers -
Seriously speaking, by having to resort to solving problems via words and letters is seriously ineffectively without actual form of communication. It may be old school, but certainly, it is the most effectively way to handle your own relationship problem.
The reasons why a chunk of essay written by either one of you will have minimum impact is because:
I) What he/she type and how the other party interpret may be different - conjuring more problems and misunderstanding.
II) The emotional & psychological mind blocks off things that 'you-thought-you-knew' kind and only read a portion of important ideas. Generally, the eyes scrape through all the words, but ideas and issue behind disappeared quickly or have restricted room to exchange preception.
Cheers -
Okie...it is good that independent girl still loves biskiti82 very much. That's good news biskiti82.
Hmm...biskiti82, give independent gal some time to adjust her emotions first. Don't worry, she is not going to leave you as she has already said that she loves you very much. You need to remember this and recall it whenever you feel frustrated without her. I know it is going to be terrible for you to bear...but for the sake of both you and her. Please bear with this stage for a while. independent girl needs your support and you are the only one who can do it for her. Don't think that I'm siding with her okie? Because you are the guy in the relationship and I trust that you can understand the importance of your role.
Okie...continue to live your life as normal. Still see each other everyday and have dinner if that is your normal schedule. Do not talk about your problems with each other first. Do not even talk about your own problems at work. Both of you had too much for each day already. Talk about something happy/neutral...memories shared between the both of you. Things that happened in the past when both of you are still going after each other. biskiti82...tell her how you felt when you are still going after her and why you go after her. Independent girl...tell him why you chose to be with him and not any other guy. You people know what to talk lah.
So where do you put all your troubles/problems/fears/worries/complaints about each other? Write it down on a note/paper and leave it on the table for each other. Sometimes it is best to write things down...because it minus all the unneccessary hostile emotions. You people sure do not need that to worsen your situation. Reply to each other also by writing it down on a paper...so that both of you can read/reply it at your own pace and time and most importantly...in the correct mood to do so.
Continue to love and care for each other everyday...without any demands. That's is...don't force to meet up if one of you is unable to meet/wait. Eventually both of you will end up at home. Write to each other also if you miss one another. Not neccessary must only write about your problems to each other lah...treat it like a love note/letter...write anything also can...and I really meant anything.
biskiti82...get independent girl some flowers/cards/chocolates to go with the letter. You know lah...girls like these kind of stuffs. Even though they say they get sick of it, but when they sees those stuffs...who can deny that it did makes them happy even for a second. Love is giving and more giving...never about taking and demanding. Love Independent girl in the way she can accept and she will also do the same to you. That's goes for you as well, independent girl. Love biskiti82 in the way he can accept...not the way you can accept. You people has been with each other for quite some time, so you should know what each other can accept and cannot accept. Why? Because you simply cannot love each other in the way that you people wanted. Sometimes having too much love for each other also can bring turmoil...you know?
Treat this as a small upset in your relationship...as least you people will love and accept each other better after this ordeal. One tip though...always think on the good side about each other action/reaction. I know it is difficult not to doubt each other's intentions. Try...but don't worry, you couple are not alone...many couples are trying it to maintain their relationship and keeping it happy and loving.
I wish both of you, biskiti82 and independent girl, all the best. Love and treasure each other.