How should I console him?
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Originally posted by IamAngeline:My bf is in a terrible state now.
The whole story involves both my bf's parents, his sister & brother-in-law and his eldest niece (Sister's daughter).
His niece is well-known as a very notorious girl. She is merely K2 but the things she did was very "unexpectable"
Since the day she's born, she cries very easily, and almost everyday, so her niece stay with my bf's parents n him. 2 years later, my bf's sister gave birth to another younger sister.
Well, so my bf's sister took care of the younger one and the elder niece remains with my bf's parents.
Okie it is the fact that every grandparents dote on their grandchild, so the elder niece is been very pampered by her grandparents(aka my bf's parents). She can have everything she wants. but 1 thing is lacking, attention from her parents.
Although she's young but she can understand very well that she wants attention from her parents, and her parents dotes more on the younger one, so the elder niece become very notorious.
How notorious? Other than being mischievious, she even being given the 'authority' of talking back and scolding the elders. She can be violent and even fight with the younger sister.
my bf dotes on her alot despite her notorious being. he wanted her to be gd, so he always try to control her and try to change this elder niece to a betta child. Times when the kids deserve punishment such as canning, my bf will be told to be the "punshier" while his parents and both his sister and brother-in-law be the rescuer.
Yesterday night, my bf's father brought 1 of the kids down to my bf's cousin. So the elder got to know it, without notice, she left the house alone. My bf shouted her to go back home, but she didn;t heck care less and do things her own way.
My bf was so worried. How can 1 K2 kid just leave the house liddat and the rest were gambling away then to keep look of the leaving girl?!
Lucky my bf got the girl back, and give her a caning session.
But this matter was brought down by his parents and both his sister and bro-in-law and even blamed him for lecturing the girl..
haiz.. he feels very bad and angry for the blame.
I even msg her sister the actual scenerio, but the reply was,
"i never say he cannot beat her, i know she is naughty n not obedient, but he shouldn't beat so hard"
But the beating was not hard except for some marks of canes..
Whats should I do next? How should I comfort him?
When kids are not yours - you can't displine them physically, you can only earn respect from them through verbal, emotional ways.
The more you discipline physically, the more rebellious they get especially if they hold no respect for your bf. Kids are people who are true to their feelings - when they hurt, they cry; when they happy, they laugh. In their world, everything is black and white. There is no point if your BF loves his niece, but demostrate them otherwise - kids wouldn't know and wouldn't care.
When kids hold respect for you, even you scold them, they take them seriously and would even reflect upon the words. Reasons must be accompanied to make them learn the power of understand and to reinforce these message constantly.
Cheers -
agree..Originally posted by Yunhaier: When kids are not yours - you can't displine them physically, you can only earn respect from them through verbal, emotional ways.
The more you discipline physically, the more rebellious they get especially if they hold no respect for your bf. Kids are people who are true to their feelings - when they hurt, they cry; when they happy, they laugh. In their world, everything is black and white. There is no point if your BF loves his niece, but demostrate them otherwise - kids wouldn't know and wouldn't care.
When kids hold respect for you, even you scold them, they take them seriously and would even reflect upon the words. Reasons must be accompanied to make them learn the power of understand and to reinforce these message constantly.
Cheers
nowadays kids cannot beat one.. once you beat them.. they become more rebellious.. and they think that you dun love them.. dun care for them.. kids dun understand they you canned them you feel hurt.. and its for their good.. the oni see what they sees..
"you dun let me do my things... you think is wrong you canned me.. means you dun love me.. you forbid me to go my way.. i hate you i hate you.." this is what kids normally think..
The best way is to communicate with the child.. they learn fast.. guide them wat's wrong and wat's right... explain to them why certain things cannot be done.. or can be done.. always teach them with a reason backing behind it.. if they listen they understand.. they show respect.. once respect gain.. when you reprimand them for wrong things they do.. they'll listen.. they cry.. but they wont do things that hurt you even more.. like canning them..
For the parents of the kid.. you need to talk to your sis about this.. they cannot leave the child always with your parents and you... kids need parent's love.. is the stage of growing.. Emotionally, mentally and physically this will affect the kid in the future.. what has the parents fgive her?? shower her love?? care?? they are too biased against.. the younger one and her.. is it becos she' notorious.. if that's the case.. they should pay more attention to her.. instead of letting her do her ways... this is important.. it affect the kid growing.. what wil she think of her parents when she's a big girl??
Your bf is too stress between work and family.. let him understand more about the kid.. though is not his responsibility.. not his kid.. but afterall.. is her niece.. he wants her to be good.. and not bad.. cos he is the one now.. guiding her.. companying her.. teaching and grooming her to be a child in the future.. the parents for the time being.. i think.. wont want the kid to be living with them..
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Spare the rod and spoil the child?
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Not only for kids nowadays... Me last time also...Originally posted by SunRisE:agree..
nowadays kids cannot beat one.. once you beat them.. they become more rebellious.. and they think that you dun love them.. dun care for them.. kids dun understand they you canned them you feel hurt.. and its for their good.. the oni see what they sees..
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REMEMBER. It's just a SUSPICION. Even if he is going into such a state, it's quite likely that he's just about started...Originally posted by IamAngeline:That's why I'm afraid of.. depression.
Devil... I always massage his head like what u mention... esepcially when he is so stressed up that he keeps having headaches..
hmm dunno leh later hope our dinner session can let me helps him brighten up his day a bit ba
Don't tell him things like he might be going into depression or even hint of such... INSTEAD. OPEN UP his MIND and MENTALITY and try to keep his mood UPLIFTED.
~GOOD LUCK... -
hahaha.. you rebellious child!!Originally posted by Devil1976:Not only for kids nowadays... Me last time also... 
hahahaah.. now more jia lat.. even parents oso jailat.. i pity teachers in sch now.. ahhaha
got to handle both sides.. hehe -
To Angeline,
i`ve read abt how u`ve written abt ur bf and his family .
it appears to me that his family blames him for punishing his niece using physical inflictions
my 1st thought was to ask him to stop caring abt the GAL for no one in the family appreciates his doings..
however on second thoughs after seeing ppl`s reply...
i tink that u should ask him to stop all these ignoring..
because u`ve mention that ur bf haf a specail affinity w the gal
let me tell u this affinty btw them is near impossible to break.
no matter wat others deem ur bf, he`ll still want to groom his niece into a better gal.
she treating her as thou if she`s his daughter.
i believe ur bf is suffering rejection more of from the family than the gal herself.
i always believe a child is innocent.
don speak of her as NORTOROUS or BAD/CUNNING
the big mistake here lies w the parents..
the gal`s parents and ur bf`s parents..
MASTER-_-`s right to say `spare the rod and spoil the child`
all of u all here tell me who`s not been caned b4 when u were young??
the 2 pairs of PARENTS` fault lies in their indulgence of the GAL.
they tink that their daughter/granddaughter is of ultimate preciousness to them.
in turn let her go her ways and pamered her.
OBVIOUSLY she`s spoilt..
MAKe it clear to u, its not her fault !!!
another prob w the 2 set of parents is tat they always wanna appear ANGEL to the gal.
As u haf mentioned, they do ask ur bf to dicipline the child. thus always makin him the BAD GUY.
wat u can do now is however limited, as u said u`re only yet an outsider.
wat YOU can do now is like wat DEVIL had said, brighten up his mood.
show him ur support. tell him wat he did was right,in fact it`s really rite.
he him that one day he`s family will understand..
even thou u`re limited in ways to help,
he,however, can do much more than anything.
ask him not to escape facing his family.
ask him to confront both set of parents.
sit down for a talk.
ask directly wat do they really want out of him?
tell them that if they do not want to dicipline the gal..
many others will..
she`s only in K2. and if she carries on into society nxt time w the same lousy attitude she`s goin to meet w a lot of prob.
`its better to beat her and let her repent than to let other ppl do the job for u`
imagine other gansters nt lookin forward to the gal nxt time.
tell them to imagine wat might happen, tt`s enuff
saying all these, ur bf was nv the gal`s daddy.
remind ur bf to refrain from physical inflictions whenver possible..
in the event that it`s needed.. pls infrom the parents to do so or ask them to do the DIRTY WORK THEMSELVES and stop appearing ANGEL..
if these continues to be as b4..
this kinda situations will replay itself and ur GAL may grow up to hate ur BF,
thus wasted all his love on her
Good luck to u and ur BF -
looks like you got to tell your bf to voice out to his parents and sis n bro-in-law abt this whole issue, as in fact this is a good opportunity to do so.
first, for the beating, I have to say it is a way to discipline kid but not the best way, and your bf is not the right person to do it, its their parents. Guess, its appropriate for your bf to apologise to his sis n bro-in-law abt the canning. Sorry if you get offended by what i said..i'm really really really feel sorry for your bf.
but wait, the most impt of all, who shld be entirely blamed for ur bf's niece behaviour and what and why ur niece did this? It's not your bf or his parents, it's his sis n bro-in-law. So mabe ur bf shld tell them tt they shld really pay attention to her. On the another hand, your bf shldnt feel bad.Simply say, he can't save the whole world. Ask him not to be too hard on himself on blames tt he doesnt deserved to shoulder...gotta slowly unlearn tt.
the only reason i can think of as to why ur bf's niece is so notorious cuz she needs attentions and care frm her parents. it normal, i was once like her(my aunt was my nanny and elder cousins) , maybe even worse...hee heee..woa haa haa haa..... heee heee....
what yunhaier said is right, (tts wat one of my elder cousins did and I was totally under his control..damn it). what she needs is attention and parental care.
wish ur bf all the best in gettin over this soon. Cheers!