Going in circles
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Hi all...
Juz have sthg to get off my chest. Hope that someone out there is able to paint the bigger pic for me and find a way to break this circle.
I'm currently attached and have been in this relationship for 2 years. I guess it has kinda stabilised and my bf is really sweet and accomodating and it is generally thought that I have 'struck lottery'.
Before I got tog with my current bf, I had a turbulent year, full of heartbreaks and tears, booze and more tears. This person, let's call him C, helped me through the low period. He's a renowned playboy and hey he does it with skill! He simply makes you feel special and honestly speaking he was really nice to me at the beginning. Helping me with studies, my various extra-curricular stuff and all. However, more and more I had this feeling that he was with me only for sex. It was a classic case of trying to change the bad boy and I failed miserably. I made the wisest choice I ever did that year. I left him, tho we never were really officially together.
He didn't call and we juz left things as that. Occassionally we would MSN and it always ended with him asking me over to his room. And time after time i would reject him. About 1 year ago, I slipped up. My current bf and I were going through a particularly rough patch and almost broke up. I went back to him while never officially parting with my current bf. Biggest mistake. It was always about sex. And I juz let it continue, even after things got better with my bf.
U see... I guess i always had a soft spot for him. Waking up early to get him his fave breakfasts and things like that. At one point, he really really broke my heart and I confronted him over MSN, explicitly telling him I dun want us to be friends who f.u.c.k. He gave me his usual bs he gives every girl about being attracted to me and one thing led to another. Tho after that confrontation we fell into a cold period again, we still chat sometimes and I've managed to not go back to him up to the present.
Juz this past week, a close girlfriend of mine broke down and told me that she's with him. I was shell-shocked and at a loss for words. I had been confiding to her all along bout my hung-ups regarding him. I felt hurt. Not exactly feelings of betrayal but I juz feel this pain. But there was nothing i could do. I wasn't even supposed to be upset rite? I was supposed to be over him. I even comforted her and told her to be careful as we all know what kinda person he is actually.
I met him for coffee recently and i honestly told my girlfriend. She was upset because he kept it from her and intentionally didn't pick up her call when i was in the car with him. I had to console her again. Tho she says she's giving up, I noe it's not gonna happen unless something drastic occurs. And I dun want that to happen cuz I would never wanna hurt her. Now... she tells me practically everything bout him and them and I guess I juz feel so miserable.
I dunno why i'm feeling this way becuz, like i said I noe wat C is like and I dun cherish any hopes. Any thoughts of changing him had disappeared outta the window with my love for him. So...
Why am i feeling so despondent now???
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its hard to forget someone u love, especially those u had sex with (the one who took ur virginity especially
). i think maybe u blame urself for not telling ur friend about C's pattern and so u feel kinda guilty about her now. -
U cannot change him. Knowing his type, he likes to seduce girls. Seeing how he treats your girlfriend, u should not have any more contacts with him. Block him on MSN & don't meet up cos he will only use u for sex. U have to remain faithful to your present bf cos it is not fair to him & he will be hurt if he finds out.
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I think you have to draw a clear line. If you love your current bf, you will not do things to hurt him. I suggest that you keep yourself away from C for a while. Moreover, your friend and C are together right now.
I know it is difficult but since you kinda started this (by engaging in intimate activities with C), I do feel that you should decide to put it to an end. -
Yeap have been doing all of the above.
My girlfriend noes bout his pattern. In fact everyone does and they're all a lil disappointed that she let herself land in this situation. We talk about him which prolly makes it that bit harder for me. Having to cope with my feelings bout him and her insecurities and upsets. However, she is deliberately still continuing their r/s and I guess it's not my place to interfere. Can only console her and lend support i guess.
Prolly I'm being naive. I juz wanna be friends. However a part of me realises that we have no foundation at all. I doubt he even sees me as a friend tho he says otherwise. I've been true to my current bf and have not been involved with C for a long time.
But i still feel miserable. Sometimes I wonder if i'm holding on to my beautiful memories of him and blocking out all the ugly ones. But then again, I do that with all others. I've blocked him on MSN, I've deleted his no from my hp, I've slashed his name from my ICQ. But somehow... whenever I let my guard down, he creeps back. It's tiring...
With regards to my current bf, I tink i dun really need one. The reason why we got tog in the first place was becuz he was so persistent and I dun wanna hurt him. But I can truthfully say that we have a happy r/s, albeit an independent one on my part. I can live w/o seeing him or calling him etcetc but not the other way.
Well i'm starting work soon so I hope it'll take my mind off all these. It worked in the past and I hope it does again. -
It's just a form of DISAPPOINTMENT...?
And YUP... Probably like what the others have mentioned... Makes it a little more confusing and harder to let go with the form of 'attachments' you had with him.... -
ALMOST EVERYBODY would have a skeleton or two back in the closet... The KEY is to learn to LIVE the PRESENT... GET OVER IT... PAST is just a MEMORY. It's a picture which you decides to hang on your mind.Originally posted by nymrod:Yeap have been doing all of the above.
My girlfriend noes bout his pattern. In fact everyone does and they're all a lil disappointed that she let herself land in this situation.
Prolly I'm being naive. I juz wanna be friends. However a part of me realises that we have no foundation at all. I doubt he even sees me as a friend tho he says otherwise. I've been true to my current bf and have not been involved with C for a long time.
But i still feel miserable. Sometimes I wonder if i'm holding on to my beautiful memories of him and blocking out all the ugly ones. But then again, I do that with all others. I've blocked him on MSN, I've deleted his no from my hp, I've slashed his name from my ICQ. But somehow... whenever I let my guard down, he creeps back. It's tiring...
With regards to my current bf, I tink i dun really need one. The reason why we got tog in the first place was becuz he was so persistent and I dun wanna hurt him. But I can truthfully say that we have a happy r/s, albeit an independent one on my part. I can live w/o seeing him or calling him etcetc but not the other way.
Well i'm starting work soon so I hope it'll take my mind off all these. It worked in the past and I hope it does again. -
despondent because you slipped up and are attracted to someone you know you shouldn't give the time of the day to...
thing is this... to break out of the cycle, it requires a decision... and the will to stick to it...
love your guy.. love him with everything you have and more!
and that would mean to totally remove the philanderer from your life... and hopefully, from your consciousness....
to the philanderer, ignore him.. totally.. do not pick up the phone for him, put him in the block list in MSN, everything...
i hope you will be well... and find happiness with your current beau...
for the "bad guys" may shine but ultimately, the candle WILL singe the moth.. -
OMG! if u r not in love with him , dun lead him on! it is easier to break his heart when he is not so in love with u now then when he is too deep in the relationship. however if u think u can slowly learn to accept n love him , all the best!Originally posted by nymrod:With regards to my current bf, I tink i dun really need one. The reason why we got tog in the first place was becuz he was so persistent and I dun wanna hurt him. But I can truthfully say that we have a happy r/s, albeit an independent one on my part. I can live w/o seeing him or calling him etcetc but not the other way.
Well i'm starting work soon so I hope it'll take my mind off all these. It worked in the past and I hope it does again. -
Dun worry... If i'm not the tiniest bit in love with him we wouldn't have been tog for 2 years. I am... I appreciate him for being everything that he is and everything that C is not.
He is the marrying kind if you get wat I mean. But... it's still way early for that. And i guess being the bad girl that I am, I dunno how we can last till the wedding bells. I will try of cuz... He's too good for me. And I'll kick myself before I spoil this. -
never think that he's too good for you... if you do think so, then work towards being worthy of him!
he obviously thinks you are the sun and the moon to him.. be worthy of that and both of you'll go a long way
as to matrimony being far away, let the relationship grow.. and work at it.. until one day, maybe you'll both think it's the logical and natural step and both will be ready for it.. then heck! you'll both have a loving and wonderful marriage
it's not easy but the struggle for love is worth it... more than worth it i'll say
again, i wish you well...Originally posted by nymrod:Dun worry... If i'm not the tiniest bit in love with him we wouldn't have been tog for 2 years. I am... I appreciate him for being everything that he is and everything that C is not.
He is the marrying kind if you get wat I mean. But... it's still way early for that. And i guess being the bad girl that I am, I dunno how we can last till the wedding bells. I will try of cuz... He's too good for me. And I'll kick myself before I spoil this. -
Originally posted by nymrod:Hi all...
Juz have sthg to get off my chest. Hope that someone out there is able to paint the bigger pic for me and find a way to break this circle.
I'm currently attached and have been in this relationship for 2 years. I guess it has kinda stabilised and my bf is really sweet and accomodating and it is generally thought that I have 'struck lottery'.
Before I got tog with my current bf, I had a turbulent year, full of heartbreaks and tears, booze and more tears. This person, let's call him C, helped me through the low period. He's a renowned playboy and hey he does it with skill! He simply makes you feel special and honestly speaking he was really nice to me at the beginning. Helping me with studies, my various extra-curricular stuff and all. However, more and more I had this feeling that he was with me only for sex. It was a classic case of trying to change the bad boy and I failed miserably. I made the wisest choice I ever did that year. I left him, tho we never were really officially together.
He didn't call and we juz left things as that. Occassionally we would MSN and it always ended with him asking me over to his room. And time after time i would reject him. About 1 year ago, I slipped up. My current bf and I were going through a particularly rough patch and almost broke up. I went back to him while never officially parting with my current bf. Biggest mistake. It was always about sex. And I juz let it continue, even after things got better with my bf.
U see... I guess i always had a soft spot for him. Waking up early to get him his fave breakfasts and things like that. At one point, he really really broke my heart and I confronted him over MSN, explicitly telling him I dun want us to be friends who f.u.c.k. He gave me his usual bs he gives every girl about being attracted to me and one thing led to another. Tho after that confrontation we fell into a cold period again, we still chat sometimes and I've managed to not go back to him up to the present.
Juz this past week, a close girlfriend of mine broke down and told me that she's with him. I was shell-shocked and at a loss for words. I had been confiding to her all along bout my hung-ups regarding him. I felt hurt. Not exactly feelings of betrayal but I juz feel this pain. But there was nothing i could do. I wasn't even supposed to be upset rite? I was supposed to be over him. I even comforted her and told her to be careful as we all know what kinda person he is actually.
I met him for coffee recently and i honestly told my girlfriend. She was upset because he kept it from her and intentionally didn't pick up her call when i was in the car with him. I had to console her again. Tho she says she's giving up, I noe it's not gonna happen unless something drastic occurs. And I dun want that to happen cuz I would never wanna hurt her. Now... she tells me practically everything bout him and them and I guess I juz feel so miserable.
I dunno why i'm feeling this way becuz, like i said I noe wat C is like and I dun cherish any hopes. Any thoughts of changing him had disappeared outta the window with my love for him. So...
Why am i feeling so despondent now??? 
There is a hidden message behind this vicious cycle; one that you may not realise. This happens to almost all who experience the same situations over and over again - that is you prevented closing that chapter subconsciously. Ironnically, you want to close, but you are not willing to shut that valve completely and allow the drain water to seep through and pollute your area. What you are doing is trying to clean up the mess made by the drain water and ignore the dripping source. These extra work made you tired, worn-out and drained.
You see, you made the first move and left him, but you didn't exactly 'left'. Your soul is still within his grasp and you return the minute he exploit your vulnerability and weakness. Furthermore, he did employed one crucial element in his art of seduction - to be omipotent and make his presence known everywhere. You want to forget, but things/place/talks/situations/people/etc force you to return to this torturous mental cage and you felt that you can't escape his clutches.
To avoid him will result in gradual avoidance in your good friend. You have to, if you wished to retain any form of healed sanity and use logics to combat deceptive romance enchanted by your ex-bf. There is no point in trying to help your good friend because you are NOT the suitable candidate to. In assisting, you hurt two ways. Don't.
It's all in the mind - you did what you could now. To slash whatsoever contacts you have with him. To do is simple - you need to upkeep them.
Avoid eyes (physical/virtual meetings), avoid ears (phone, talks, message, conversation with others regarding to him), avoid lips (Don't talk about him or discuss anything regarding to him - condemn and believe) connection that may fuel your vulnerability. Strengthen yourself and learn to become immune to his words. (Art of Seduction Law 10 - Power of Demonic words)
*** Regarding your current bf - I fear for your future if your heart isn't completely subdued in name of your relationship. You see, by putting your bf and your ex-bf together is like heaven and hell because your ex-bf is hell of a jerk and the key is that almost anyone would seemed better beside him.
When you move along the route of your relationship and if you lose focus and begin to wonder what you are truely looking for - your current bf's position will likely to shake and get unstable. (E.g. Rotten apple beside any good apple will appear to be godly. This good apple put beside many other good apples, will lose its position of being godly)
Cheers -
Move your life out in this guy..Originally posted by nymrod:Hi all...
Juz have sthg to get off my chest. Hope that someone out there is able to paint the bigger pic for me and find a way to break this circle.
I'm currently attached and have been in this relationship for 2 years. I guess it has kinda stabilised and my bf is really sweet and accomodating and it is generally thought that I have 'struck lottery'.
Before I got tog with my current bf, I had a turbulent year, full of heartbreaks and tears, booze and more tears. This person, let's call him C, helped me through the low period. He's a renowned playboy and hey he does it with skill! He simply makes you feel special and honestly speaking he was really nice to me at the beginning. Helping me with studies, my various extra-curricular stuff and all. However, more and more I had this feeling that he was with me only for sex. It was a classic case of trying to change the bad boy and I failed miserably. I made the wisest choice I ever did that year. I left him, tho we never were really officially together.
He didn't call and we juz left things as that. Occassionally we would MSN and it always ended with him asking me over to his room. And time after time i would reject him. About 1 year ago, I slipped up. My current bf and I were going through a particularly rough patch and almost broke up. I went back to him while never officially parting with my current bf. Biggest mistake. It was always about sex. And I juz let it continue, even after things got better with my bf.
U see... I guess i always had a soft spot for him. Waking up early to get him his fave breakfasts and things like that. At one point, he really really broke my heart and I confronted him over MSN, explicitly telling him I dun want us to be friends who f.u.c.k. He gave me his usual bs he gives every girl about being attracted to me and one thing led to another. Tho after that confrontation we fell into a cold period again, we still chat sometimes and I've managed to not go back to him up to the present.
Juz this past week, a close girlfriend of mine broke down and told me that she's with him. I was shell-shocked and at a loss for words. I had been confiding to her all along bout my hung-ups regarding him. I felt hurt. Not exactly feelings of betrayal but I juz feel this pain. But there was nothing i could do. I wasn't even supposed to be upset rite? I was supposed to be over him. I even comforted her and told her to be careful as we all know what kinda person he is actually.
I met him for coffee recently and i honestly told my girlfriend. She was upset because he kept it from her and intentionally didn't pick up her call when i was in the car with him. I had to console her again. Tho she says she's giving up, I noe it's not gonna happen unless something drastic occurs. And I dun want that to happen cuz I would never wanna hurt her. Now... she tells me practically everything bout him and them and I guess I juz feel so miserable.
I dunno why i'm feeling this way becuz, like i said I noe wat C is like and I dun cherish any hopes. Any thoughts of changing him had disappeared outta the window with my love for him. So...
Why am i feeling so despondent now???
you had your own r/s.. live it up to it..
Don't talk.. don't msn.. don't sms.. don't see.. don't listen from this guy anymore.. soon enough you will totally forget about him.. and your feelings for him has gone with wind..
This works only if you are realyl determined to do it.. if there's a second thoughts to it.. then it wont help you either way.... you have to get yourself out of his picture first... that's the mean concern..
Cheers.. -
Originally posted by Yunhaier:
Strongly agreed. Anyway nymrod, U already set up your own 'trap'. Get out of it, don't waste time. There is a hidden message behind this vicious cycle; one that you may not realise. This happens to almost all who experience the same situations over and over again - that is you prevented closing that chapter subconsciously. Ironnically, you want to close, but you are not willing to shut that valve completely and allow the drain water to seep through and pollute your area. [b]What you are doing is trying to clean up the mess made by the drain water and ignore the dripping source. These extra work made you tired, worn-out and drained.
You see, you made the first move and left him, but you didn't exactly 'left'. Your soul is still within his grasp and you return the minute he exploit your vulnerability and weakness. Furthermore, he did employed one crucial element in his art of seduction - to be omipotent and make his presence known everywhere. You want to forget, but things/place/talks/situations/people/etc force you to return to this torturous mental cage and you felt that you can't escape his clutches.
To avoid him will result in gradual avoidance in your good friend. You have to, if you wished to retain any form of healed sanity and use logics to combat deceptive romance enchanted by your ex-bf. There is no point in trying to help your good friend because you are NOT the suitable candidate to. In assisting, you hurt two ways. Don't.
It's all in the mind - you did what you could now. To slash whatsoever contacts you have with him. To do is simple - you need to upkeep them.
Avoid eyes (physical/virtual meetings), avoid ears (phone, talks, message, conversation with others regarding to him), avoid lips (Don't talk about him or discuss anything regarding to him - condemn and believe) connection that may fuel your vulnerability. Strengthen yourself and learn to become immune to his words. (Art of Seduction Law 10 - Power of Demonic words)
***
Cheers [/b]
Heard this kind of problem a number of times. A classic case of an attached gal falling for buaya/rascal. Then the gerl try to change the rascal into a good guy.. haha..
Yeah, yeah I know... Rascals get all the girls cos they are exciting.... Normal guys are serious, depressing and boring, right nymrod?
Judging from yr story, it seems that u make use your rascal bfren for excitements and yr serious bfren for 'quality' time.
Rascals are for short term excitements. Once the girl have been hurt by that rascal, she will turn to a mr nice guy for help and comfort. When the girl is ok already, the cycle repeats itself, haha..
I doubt yr sincerity towards yr serious bfren. My gut feeling tells me that u r selfish person who only care only what yr bfrens can give you. Pardon my harsh tone cos I've been that 'serious' bfren before. Peace.. -
Originally posted by nymrod:
its good to know that u appreciate n treasure him n he seems to love u deeply too. its one of the conditions to a long lasting relationship.
He is the marrying kind if you get wat I mean. But... it's still way early for that. And i guess being the bad girl that I am,[b] I dunno how we can last till the wedding bells. I will try of cuz... He's too good for me. And I'll kick myself before I spoil this.[/b]
however the way u talk gives me the impression that u think this relationship will not last... that u're trying hard to sustain it... why? becos u scared he find out about c and leave u?
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Because... we have differing opinions and lifestyles, what we want in the future and where we see ourselves and us. He's really sweet and is always asking me to leave him if and when i find a better guy.Originally posted by Axelheat755:its good to know that u appreciate n treasure him n he seems to love u deeply too. its one of the conditions to a long lasting relationship.
however the way u talk gives me the impression that u think this relationship will not last... that u're trying hard to sustain it... why? becos u scared he find out about c and leave u?
I've thought long and hard bout this before. He doesn't give me any opinion about most things and issues. So I have to make intelligent guesses. I love everything bout him, except his not-so-'smartness' and rigidity in doing things. Of cuz it can be a good thing too but that's not the point. The point is I'm convinced that I can take it along with all the other good aspects of him.
Honestly speaking, I can be truthful about C and he will juz accept it. Cuz he too, has seen me through that turbulent year I was talking about. Needless to say, he'd not divulge wat he feels and everything. He juz clams up and we've gotten into more than a few arguments bout his non-disclosure of feelings and thoughts.
So... why do I not think this r/s will last? Prolly becuz of the length of time. We'll be frequently apart as I'll need to travel. So I dun really noe if this is a good or bad thing. It's good cuz i tink it makes time move that much faster and of cuz bad as they'll be lots more temptations.
Guess I'll talk more bout this in reply to another post.
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Rascals DUN get all the girls... Or rather not ALL rascals get girls. Not serious girls too. SOme cannot handle it. I see it happening around me all the time. The rascals as you put it are more engaging I guess... More confident, expressive and all. A 'normal guy' like my bf offers security, reliability, which becomes increasingly important to a girl as she grows older. Ask any girl. =)Originally posted by cool_elf:Strongly agreed. Anyway nymrod, U already set up your own 'trap'. Get out of it, don't waste time.
Heard this kind of problem a number of times. A classic case of an attached gal falling for buaya/rascal. Then the gerl try to change the rascal into a good guy.. haha..
Yeah, yeah I know... Rascals get all the girls cos they are exciting.... Normal guys are serious, depressing and boring, right nymrod?
Judging from yr story, it seems that u make use your rascal bfren for excitements and yr serious bfren for 'quality' time.
Rascals are for short term excitements. Once the girl have been hurt by that rascal, she will turn to a mr nice guy for help and comfort. When the girl is ok already, the cycle repeats itself, haha..
I doubt yr sincerity towards yr serious bfren. My gut feeling tells me that u r selfish person who only care only what yr bfrens can give you. Pardon my harsh tone cos I've been that 'serious' bfren before. Peace..
My rascal bf, as you put it, is not there for excitement. I'm not even involved with him anymore if you read the posts carefully. If it's anything like wat you suggest, I muz have some sadistic urge to hurt myself cuz I dun even find it exciting. Some might thrive on drama but I dun. I guess Yunhaier hits the closest to home. Thanks for the admonishments. I really needed them.
I wasn't turning to my nice bf for comfort and neither did I plan to go back to the rascal once I've.... healed? It's not a conscious thing. As for my sincerity twds my current bf, if committment is any yardstick to go by, he's by far the longest person I've been involved with.
Honestly, I dun care what my bfs can give me becuz... I love myself. I'm a strong believer in depending on yourself and extending the kinda love to the pple around me. Ironically, that's wat prolly drew me to C in the first place. He has issues... that he's avoiding. Who doesn't anyway?
I'm not exactly straining in my current r/s, if you guys get wat I mean? We are happy together... It's the oft-quoted meandering stream of love and happiness., confortable, slow and long-lasting. It's not a problem of CHOOSING btwn the rascal and the nice guy as you seem to imply.
Peace man... and may you find a worthy girl. -
Originally posted by Yunhaier:
To continue with the drain water analogy, I tink the order's been reversed. I wasn't clearing up the water while ignoring the source of trouble. I capped/taped/bound the source up tight while cleaning up the mess. We have to clean it up at some point dun we? The cap tore/loosened/broke when I was clearing up the mess, tinking that it was secure. I got drenched and all upset, feeling guilty for letting myself in such a situation. It happens... time and again. There is a hidden message behind this vicious cycle; one that you may not realise. This happens to almost all who experience the same situations over and over again - that is you prevented closing that chapter subconsciously. Ironnically, you want to close, but you are not willing to shut that valve completely and allow the drain water to seep through and pollute your area. [b]What you are doing is trying to clean up the mess made by the drain water and ignore the dripping source. These extra work made you tired, worn-out and drained.
You see, you made the first move and left him, but you didn't exactly 'left'. Your soul is still within his grasp and you return the minute he exploit your vulnerability and weakness. Furthermore, he did employed one crucial element in his art of seduction - to be omipotent and make his presence known everywhere. You want to forget, but things/place/talks/situations/people/etc force you to return to this torturous mental cage and you felt that you can't escape his clutches.
To avoid him will result in gradual avoidance in your good friend. You have to, if you wished to retain any form of healed sanity and use logics to combat deceptive romance enchanted by your ex-bf. There is no point in trying to help your good friend because you are NOT the suitable candidate to. In assisting, you hurt two ways. Don't.
It's all in the mind - you did what you could now. To slash whatsoever contacts you have with him. To do is simple - you need to upkeep them.
Avoid eyes (physical/virtual meetings), avoid ears (phone, talks, message, conversation with others regarding to him), avoid lips (Don't talk about him or discuss anything regarding to him - condemn and believe) connection that may fuel your vulnerability. Strengthen yourself and learn to become immune to his words. (Art of Seduction Law 10 - Power of Demonic words)
*** Regarding your current bf - I fear for your future if your heart isn't completely subdued in name of your relationship. You see, by putting your bf and your ex-bf together is like heaven and hell because your ex-bf is hell of a jerk and the key is that almost anyone would seemed better beside him.
When you move along the route of your relationship and if you lose focus and begin to wonder what you are truely looking for - your current bf's position will likely to shake and get unstable. (E.g. Rotten apple beside any good apple will appear to be godly. This good apple put beside many other good apples, will lose its position of being godly)
Cheers [/b]
So... I suppose the gist of your msg was I should have plastered the hole up for good. And I'm trying. Really... Perhaps I thought and prolly still tink that the best way to solve the problem would be facing them in the flesh and deal with it. And mebbe like my fren advised, it was too soon and fast.
I guess... in a way, I needed to hear about them. I needed to hear that they're well and fine. It settles me.
About the comparison btwn the both of them, it wasn't intentional. I juz meant that my current bf is loads better. And it's not juz when compared to C but to almost all the guys around me. But you're right about the seeking wat i truly want part.
I guess everyone out there has seen/heard/witnessed/experienced settling for second best. But, has anyone ever considered wat's best? Sure... U can have a whole list of do's and don'ts regarding the partner of your dreams but... will you ever find that person? If you dun, will u settle for 'second best'? If you dun have a fixed list of qualities etcetc, does ur current partner fit the image? Will such a person come along? Are you willing to give up a perfectly workable r/s in the search of an utopian one? -
Originally posted by nymrod:To continue with the drain water analogy, I tink the order's been reversed. I wasn't clearing up the water while ignoring the source of trouble. I capped/taped/bound the source up tight while cleaning up the mess. We have to clean it up at some point dun we? The cap tore/loosened/broke when I was clearing up the mess, tinking that it was secure. I got drenched and all upset, feeling guilty for letting myself in such a situation. It happens... time and again.
So... I suppose the gist of your msg was I should have plastered the hole up for good. And I'm trying. Really... Perhaps I thought and prolly still tink that the best way to solve the problem would be facing them in the flesh and deal with it. And mebbe like my fren advised, it was too soon and fast.
I guess... in a way, I needed to hear about them. I needed to hear that they're well and fine. It settles me.
About the comparison btwn the both of them, it wasn't intentional. I juz meant that my current bf is loads better. And it's not juz when compared to C but to almost all the guys around me. But you're right about the seeking wat i truly want part.
I guess everyone out there has seen/heard/witnessed/experienced settling for second best. But, has anyone ever considered wat's best? Sure... U can have a whole list of do's and don'ts regarding the partner of your dreams but... will you ever find that person? If you dun, will u settle for 'second best'? If you dun have a fixed list of qualities etcetc, does ur current partner fit the image? Will such a person come along? Are you willing to give up a perfectly workable r/s in the search of an utopian one? How are you going to face them in the flesh and solve when the actual problem isn't about YOU alone; its more about him. Yes, you did tried to impart theories of a proper, serious long term, one-one relationship and did attempt to evolve the 'bad guy' he originally was. It didn't work that way isn't it?
I used to tell my other friends who fell into similiar trap like yours: if previously all who had tried in his other relationships had failed to change (thus his character currently still), what made you think you could? This is a risk you choose to take.
It's not about having the second best, best or whatsoever category there is; its about a choice. Every relationship presents an opportunity to power or degenerate yourself. The ones you will love to love probably degenerate you (ex-bf) because the elements you seek clashes with visions you had in proper relationship. To like a bad boy style, but wishes a husband-material in view of long term relationship is a case so common, I could name many of the people around me.
P.S: We all make choices everyday. Sometimes when we pick a route, it may not be wise to look backward and drive forward at the same time. We will eventually crash into a lamp post or other moving cars. Once we are confident about our route, go along with it. Leave and do the things you ought to do and be firm. You need to heal your soul and had to learn to prevent injury to old wounds.
Cheers -
nymrod, read this. This is more or less what I intended to say.Originally posted by Yunhaier: It's not about having the second best, best or whatsoever category there is; its about a choice. Every relationship presents an opportunity to power or degenerate yourself. The ones you will love to love probably degenerate you (ex-bf) because the elements you seek clashes with visions you had in proper relationship. To like a bad boy style, but wishes a husband-material in view of long term relationship is a case so common, I could name many of the people around me.
P.S: We all make choices everyday. Sometimes when we pick a route, it may not be wise to look backward and drive forward at the same time. We will eventually crash into a lamp post or other moving cars. Once we are confident about our route, go along with it. Leave and do the things you ought to do and be firm. You need to heal your soul and had to learn to prevent injury to old wounds.
Cheers
Really, it's not about settling for second best, best or better. Get this mentality out of your head.
I was kind of defensive, and unwilling to give in 100% in my relationship. But seriously, then what is a relationship? It defeats the purpose to be in one right from the start, ain't it? Was hurt, and was so afraid to be hurt again. Who's really the one? Is she still out there, or is she already by my side?
There's no point in brooding over such thing. There is no answer, no perfect choice. You will only find the one for you, when you have made up your mind about your choice.
So, I've learnt that, once you've decided to love, give it all out. Just love. Be sincere, take him for who he is, and just love.
What you have to do, is to put your ex-boyfriend aside. He is no more than just a friend now. Nothing else.
Sometimes, we just have to learn how to be grateful. -
Originally posted by Yunhaier:
That's why there's Dating Tips Forum How are you going to face them in the flesh and solve when the actual problem isn't about YOU alone; its more about him. Yes, you did tried to impart theories of a proper, serious long term, one-one relationship and did attempt to evolve the 'bad guy' he originally was. It didn't work that way isn't it?
I used to tell my other friends who fell into similiar trap like yours: if previously all who had tried in his other relationships had failed to change (thus his character currently still), what made you think you could? This is a risk you choose to take.
It's not about having the second best, best or whatsoever category there is; its about a choice. [b]Every relationship presents an opportunity to power or degenerate yourself. The ones you will love to love probably degenerate you (ex-bf) because the elements you seek clashes with visions you had in proper relationship. To like a bad boy style, but wishes a husband-material in view of long term relationship is a case so common, I could name many of the people around me.
P.S: We all make choices everyday. Sometimes when we pick a route, it may not be wise to look backward and drive forward at the same time. We will eventually crash into a lamp post or other moving cars. Once we are confident about our route, go along with it. Leave and do the things you ought to do and be firm. You need to heal your soul and had to learn to prevent injury to old wounds.
Cheers[/b]
-
Originally posted by M©+square:That's why there's Dating Tips Forum
You should put the link in your signature a 'blue' so that it's easier for people to notice it's a LINK and click on it? -
i dun know lah.Originally posted by nymrod:Hi all...
Juz have sthg to get off my chest. Hope that someone out there is able to paint the bigger pic for me and find a way to break this circle.
I'm currently attached and have been in this relationship for 2 years. I guess it has kinda stabilised and my bf is really sweet and accomodating and it is generally thought that I have 'struck lottery'.
Before I got tog with my current bf, I had a turbulent year, full of heartbreaks and tears, booze and more tears. This person, let's call him C, helped me through the low period. He's a renowned playboy and hey he does it with skill! He simply makes you feel special and honestly speaking he was really nice to me at the beginning. Helping me with studies, my various extra-curricular stuff and all. However, more and more I had this feeling that he was with me only for sex. It was a classic case of trying to change the bad boy and I failed miserably. I made the wisest choice I ever did that year. I left him, tho we never were really officially together.
He didn't call and we juz left things as that. Occassionally we would MSN and it always ended with him asking me over to his room. And time after time i would reject him. About 1 year ago, I slipped up. My current bf and I were going through a particularly rough patch and almost broke up. I went back to him while never officially parting with my current bf. Biggest mistake. It was always about sex. And I juz let it continue, even after things got better with my bf.
U see... I guess i always had a soft spot for him. Waking up early to get him his fave breakfasts and things like that. At one point, he really really broke my heart and I confronted him over MSN, explicitly telling him I dun want us to be friends who f.u.c.k. He gave me his usual bs he gives every girl about being attracted to me and one thing led to another. Tho after that confrontation we fell into a cold period again, we still chat sometimes and I've managed to not go back to him up to the present.
Juz this past week, a close girlfriend of mine broke down and told me that she's with him. I was shell-shocked and at a loss for words. I had been confiding to her all along bout my hung-ups regarding him. I felt hurt. Not exactly feelings of betrayal but I juz feel this pain. But there was nothing i could do. I wasn't even supposed to be upset rite? I was supposed to be over him. I even comforted her and told her to be careful as we all know what kinda person he is actually.
I met him for coffee recently and i honestly told my girlfriend. She was upset because he kept it from her and intentionally didn't pick up her call when i was in the car with him. I had to console her again. Tho she says she's giving up, I noe it's not gonna happen unless something drastic occurs. And I dun want that to happen cuz I would never wanna hurt her. Now... she tells me practically everything bout him and them and I guess I juz feel so miserable.
I dunno why i'm feeling this way becuz, like i said I noe wat C is like and I dun cherish any hopes. Any thoughts of changing him had disappeared outta the window with my love for him. So...
Why am i feeling so despondent now???
but yesterday i stepped on a dog's tail and got a bite from it.....
so pain u know.
then i know not to step on dog's tail coz i need my legs to 'walk a longer road ahead.
then again (leg still pain) i saw another dog and again i stepped on it's tail
and got beaten again.
silly me
so i decided to post it here in this forum...how? -
Hi, i can see from here that you still have feelings for him. Your head tells you " Don't be stupid lah, he is making use of you and so and so and so " and yet you still can't get over him. Why?Originally posted by nymrod:Hi all...
Juz have sthg to get off my chest. Hope that someone out there is able to paint the bigger pic for me and find a way to break this circle.
I'm currently attached and have been in this relationship for 2 years. I guess it has kinda stabilised and my bf is really sweet and accomodating and it is generally thought that I have 'struck lottery'.
Before I got tog with my current bf, I had a turbulent year, full of heartbreaks and tears, booze and more tears. This person, let's call him C, helped me through the low period. He's a renowned playboy and hey he does it with skill! He simply makes you feel special and honestly speaking he was really nice to me at the beginning. Helping me with studies, my various extra-curricular stuff and all. However, more and more I had this feeling that he was with me only for sex. It was a classic case of trying to change the bad boy and I failed miserably. I made the wisest choice I ever did that year. I left him, tho we never were really officially together.
He didn't call and we juz left things as that. Occassionally we would MSN and it always ended with him asking me over to his room. And time after time i would reject him. About 1 year ago, I slipped up. My current bf and I were going through a particularly rough patch and almost broke up. I went back to him while never officially parting with my current bf. Biggest mistake. It was always about sex. And I juz let it continue, even after things got better with my bf.
U see... I guess i always had a soft spot for him. Waking up early to get him his fave breakfasts and things like that. At one point, he really really broke my heart and I confronted him over MSN, explicitly telling him I dun want us to be friends who f.u.c.k. He gave me his usual bs he gives every girl about being attracted to me and one thing led to another. Tho after that confrontation we fell into a cold period again, we still chat sometimes and I've managed to not go back to him up to the present.
Juz this past week, a close girlfriend of mine broke down and told me that she's with him. I was shell-shocked and at a loss for words. I had been confiding to her all along bout my hung-ups regarding him. I felt hurt. Not exactly feelings of betrayal but I juz feel this pain. But there was nothing i could do. I wasn't even supposed to be upset rite? I was supposed to be over him. I even comforted her and told her to be careful as we all know what kinda person he is actually.
I met him for coffee recently and i honestly told my girlfriend. She was upset because he kept it from her and intentionally didn't pick up her call when i was in the car with him. I had to console her again. Tho she says she's giving up, I noe it's not gonna happen unless something drastic occurs. And I dun want that to happen cuz I would never wanna hurt her. Now... she tells me practically everything bout him and them and I guess I juz feel so miserable.
I dunno why i'm feeling this way becuz, like i said I noe wat C is like and I dun cherish any hopes. Any thoughts of changing him had disappeared outta the window with my love for him. So...
Why am i feeling so despondent now???
This is how i see it...
You had a relationships with him, been through alot because of him. That why you will have such nostalgic/ strong memories or attachment for him and upon seeing your friend like this, remind you of what happened to you and reminded you of your hopes of trying to change him. You still believe in that hope do you? You still have a tinge of feeling for him? ( cos he did many sweet things for you, like helping you when you are down, considering the bond that you 2 have once had ) but does he really love you or is he making use of you??? or Maybe C has problem of his own, like having a phobic to commitment; staying faithful to other party or perhap a sex addict
.
I must say, it's quite futile to change a person. Love is about accepting the person as who he is. An individual has his own thought, if he wants to change, it's has to be his own decision.
I think it really normal for you to feel the way you feel now. Hey you are human and has feeling. It not easy to let go off things right? even though you know that you have to. It's take time to forget about that guy and release all the feelings you have had for him. And you have a really nice boyfriend now!
Why look back? Look forward, dear! -
Originally posted by nymrod:
Hey,ERRRRR......... are you sure you are happy in your present relationship? Or are you trying to psycho yourself to be grateful that you have a nice boyfriend and not being true to yourself? I see you trying to be a Martyr for there C guy and now your present bf. I must say you are very noble but abit foolish. (no offence =)). i know most gers will rather have a guy to love them more than they love the guys, esp after they were hurt by a guy whom they love more than the guy do. After getting hurt, their outlook and needs change ( can't help it at all ) but just don't end up hurting the guy and yourself, yeah? cos' the guy may again look for a girl who will love them more than they love the girl. Then the vicious cycle will ride on.
Yeap have been doing all of the above.
With regards to my current bf, I tink i dun really need one. The reason why we got tog in the first place was becuz he was so persistent and [b]I dun wanna hurt him. But I can truthfully say that we have a happy r/s, albeit an independent one on my part. I can live w/o seeing him or calling him etcetc but not the other way.
b]
There is no such thing as the best love. Every relationships you have had is unique in experience. Your present relationships is still being experienced, it's unfair to compare it with your previous one. In addition, the previous relationship is over. Look for love? Look at the present and see your answer.