Is marriage a kind of attachment from the Buddhist point of view?
I searched and found my own topic about Buddhist views on marriage (http://www.sgforums.com/forums/1728/topics/290003). But with rapid changes in attitudes towards boy-girl relationships and marriage, I feel I need to take in fresh input and review what I've learned since the time I started that topic.
If marriage is a kind of attachment from the Buddhist point of view, then I shouldn't get married. Saying that it's my choice is just playing safe and doesn't help much in the process of an in-depth analysis of an important life decision.
I have seen and heard so many marriages or serious dating relationships around me break apart; For married couples, most have either broken down in terms of legal separation or being emotionally indifferent to each other until they too one day file for legal separation, etc. One of them being my distant relative.
Both national and worldwide statistics on divorce rates are high, year on year.
People are getting more and more intolerant of one another, but for the sake of appearing civilized, mature or emotionally resilient etc, we put on a facade of being totally calm and unaffected.
Personally, I have come to see marriage as a kind of attachment from my limited understanding of Buddhist concept and interpretation of attachment.
Why do you need someone in the form of a spouse to so-called love, take care of or stay together with?
Does that mean that I cannot love someone as a fellow human being if she's not my wife or my girlfriend?
Does that mean that I can't or won't be happy for the rest of my life if I'm not married or happen to be just divorced?
I have read both A Happy Married Life - a Buddhist Perspective and Sigalovada Sutta.
Here's an extract from A Happy Married Life:
The Buddha's Advice to a Couple
I. The Wife
In advising women about their role in married life, the Buddha appreciated that the peace and harmony of a home rested largely on a woman. His advice was realistic and practical when he explained a good number of day-to-day characteristics which a woman should or should not cultivate. On diverse occasions, the Buddha counseled that a wife should:
- a) not harbor evil thoughts against her husband;
- b) not be cruel, harsh or domineering;
- c) not be spendthrift but should be economical and live within her means;
- d) guard and save her husband's hard-earned earnings and property;
- e) always be attentive and chaste in mind and action;
- f) be faithful and harbor no thought of any adulterous acts;
- g) be refined in speech and polite in action;
- h) be kind, industrious and hardworking;
- i) be thoughtful and compassionate towards her husband, and her attitude should equate that of a mother's love and concern for the protection of her only son;
- j) be modest and respectful;
- k) be cool, calm and understanding — serving not only as a wife but also as a friend and advisor when the need arises.
II. The Husband
The Buddha, in reply to a householder as to how a husband should minister to his wife declared that the husband should always honor and respect his wife, by being faithful to her, by giving her the requisite authority to manage domestic affairs and by giving her befitting ornaments. This advice, given over twenty five centuries ago, still stands good for today.
Knowing the psychology of the man who tends to consider himself superior, the Buddha made a remarkable change and uplifted the status of a woman by a simple suggestion that a husband should honor and respect his wife.
A husband should be faithful to his wife, which means that a husband should fulfill and maintain his marital obligations to his wife thus sustaining the confidence in the marital relationship in every sense of the word.
The husband, being a bread-winner, would invariably stay away from home, hence he should entrust the domestic or household duties to the wife who should be considered as the keeper and the distributor of the property and the home economic-administrator.
The provision of befitting ornaments to the wife should be symbolic of the husband's love, care and attention showered on the wife. This symbolic practice has been carried out from time immemorial in Buddhist communities.
Unfortunately it is in danger of dying out because of the influence of modern civilization.
Today's career woman would or might baulk at the above advice by the Buddha as being outdated or chauvinistic. Especially the sentence 'the Buddha appreciated that the peace and harmony of a home rested largely on a woman'.
Another common fact of life is that most couples around us are working adults; very few men are breadwinners now. In addition, husbands are now required to help out with domestic chores and household finances.
So how do we apply the Buddha's advice in the modern context?
Now let's go on to the point about the Buddha appreciating that a woman plays a much more important role (than the man if I may assume) in maintainng the peace and harmony of a home.
Although 11 guidelines for the behaviour of a wife were laid down for diverse occasions, I wonder how many modern working and married women today can really observe well the following 5 out of the 11:
I think the first and last guideline can be perceived as being the more difficult ones for most modern working and married women.
They can be very assertive (to the point of 'unknowingly' entering the territory of being domineering or harsh) on household responsibilities and how their husbands should show their love for them.
Some would think, "I marry this man to be my equal partner and for him to love me, not for me to love and protect him like my son! Anyway I don't want to have kids. If he wants me to treat him with motherly love, he might as well stay unmarried with his mother!"
Any wise married Buddhist men to give me modern, insightful and practical perspectives on my concerns? Or any Buddhists who share similar concerns?