Funny Jokes
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TELL ME
A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary.
The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife, "Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our 10th child never quite looked like the rest of our children. Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer cannot take that all away. But, I must know, did he have a different father?"
The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye. She paused for moment and then confessed. "Yes. Yes he did."
The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife was admitting hit him harder than he had expected. With a tear in his eye he asks, "Who? Who was he? Who was the father?"
Again the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband. Then, finally, she says. "You." -
3 MEN AND WHAT THEY THREW AWAY
3 men were sitting on a building, they were ordered to throw something away.
The 1st man threw his gold, 2nd, his wine, 3rd, a bomb.
They were walking one day, and the 1st person saw a girl crying, he asked why she was crying, she said a piece of gold hit her. "Sorry that was me," he said.
Same thing with the next girl, but she had wine on her head, which dyed her hair purple.
The 3rd person saw a girl laughing hysterically, he asked what was so funny. She said, "Daddy farted and the whole house blew up!" -
JOB APPLICATION FORM
A man was filling out a job application form. When he came to the question, "Have you ever been arrested?" He wrote "No."
The next question, intended for people who had answered in the affirmative to the previous question, was, "Why?"
The applicant answered it anyway, "Never got caught." -
THE PAPER SHREDDER
The new office boy stood before the paper shredder looking confused.
"Need some help?" A secretary walking by asked.
"Yes," he replied. "How do you work this thing?"
"Simple," she said quickly taking the fat report from his hand and feeding it to the shredder.
"Thanks," he said as he watched the report disappear, "But where do the copies come out?" -
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD
Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when she sees the Big Bad Wolf crouched down behind a log.
"My, what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf," says Little Red Riding Hood. The surprised wolf jumps up and runs away!
Further down the road, Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again. This time he is crouched behind a tree stump.
"My, what big ears you have Mr. Wolf," says Little Red Riding Hood. Again the foiled wolf jumps up and runs away!
About two miles down the track, Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again, this time crouched down behind a road sign.
"My, what big teeth you have Mr. Wolf," taunts Little Red Riding Hood.
With that, the Big Bad Wolf jumps up and screams, "Will you get lost? I'm trying to take a shit!" -
AFFAIR
There was this fishing village where all the men would go for their fishing trips for months in a go. The wives of these men were so lonely that they will always go to the next village to look for men. But these women upon having an affair felt guilty everytime, hence they will go n confess to the pastor in the village's church.
Hearing so many women talk about their affairs made the pastor very embarrassed, hence he decided to tell the women "From now on, just say that you "had a fall" and I will understand what you are talking about.
Years passed, these women continually to the pastor to confess about their "falls". Then there was this year, the pastor got a transfer to another village. Worried that the new incoming pastor would not know the "custom", he decided to tell the mayor about this.
"Mayor, I'm sad that I have to leave. But before I go, I would like you to remind the new pastor that whenever the women came to say something about them having a fall, they actually mean that they have an affair." said the pastor. Upon hearing this, the mayor giggled, promised the pastor and bid him goodbye.
When the new pastor came, the women continued to confess to him whenever they have an affair. He was totally puzzled about the village women "falling down" all the time and hence, decided to consult the mayor about this.
"Mayor, I think that the village needs some maintenance." said the new pastor.
"Why do you think so?" answered the mayor.
"Well, I have so many confessions from the women "falling down" every day. Pls see to this." said the worried pastor.
Hearing this, the mayor broke into a laughter and said, "Really? Is that so?"
The pastor answered, "Yes, this is true. Mrs Mayor "fell down" three times last week." -
F IN ARITHMETIC
Little Johnny returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.
"Why?" asks the father.
The teacher asked, "How much is 2x3?" I said, "6."
"But that's right!"
Then she asked me, "How much is 3x2?"
"What's the fucking difference?"
"That's exactly what I said." -
STRETCHING A DIME
A Ukrainian and a Jew were discussing how far each could make a dime reach, and agreed to try it and meet a few days later to see who'd get the most out of a dime.
The Jew bought a cigar, and smoked one-third the first day and saved the ashes. He smoked one-third the second day and saved the ashes. He smoked one-third the third day and again saved the ashes, and on the fourth day he gave the ashes to his wife to use as fertilizer on her roses.
He told the Ukrainian, "I know you can't beat that for stretching a dime."
The Ukrainian said, "I got you beat. I bought a Polish sausage for a dime, and the first day I ate one-half, and on the second day I ate the other one-half. The third day I used the skin for a condom, and the fourth day I took a shit in the skin and sewed it back up. The fifth day I took it back to the butcher and told him it smelled like shit. He agreed with me and gave me my dime back!" -
EXPECTING CHILD
For weeks a little boy kept telling his teacher about the baby brother or sister that was expected at his house.
Then one day the mother allowed the boy to feel the movements of the unborn child. The boy was obviously impressed, but made no comment.
Furthermore, he stopped telling his teacher. The teacher finally sat the boy on her lap and said, "Tommy, whatever has become of that baby brother or sister you were expecting at home?"
Tommy burst into tears and confessed, "I think Mommy ate it!" -
CHICKEN FARMER
A woman walks into her accountant's office and tells him that she need to files her taxes. The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask a few questions." He gets her name, address, social security number, etc and asks, "What is your occupation?"
The woman replies, "I'm a Whore."
The accountant balks and says, "No, no, no. That will never work. This is much too crass. Let's try to rephrase that."
The woman says, "OK, I'm a prostitute."
"No, that is still too crude. Try again." They both think for a minutes, then the woman states, "I'm a chicken farmer."
The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a prostitute?" "Well, I raised over 5000 cocks last year!" -
MY SON IS A HOMOSEXUAL
Four women are in a retirement home talking about their sons and playing bridge.
The first one say her son's a lawyer and he's so rich, he bought Porsches, one for himself, and one for his best friend.
The second woman says her son is a doctor and is so rich, he bought two speedboat, one for himself, and one for his best friend.
The third says her son is the CEO of a computer company and is so rich that he bought two mansion, one for himself and one for his best friend. Then all three of the woman turn to Edna, the last one.
Edna says, "My son is a homosexual and doesn't have to do anything because his boyfriends give him a Porsche, speedboat and a mansion." -
YEAH!!! I was wonderin halfway thru e story... Wat will e outcome b? Wat kinda twist is tt... but it isn't a joke at all.. its such a beautiful story.... Thankz for sharin it with us...Originally posted by peni's:Wes Brown - excellent story!!!
Clap!Clap!Clap!Clap!Clap!Clap!Clap!Clap!Clap!Clap!
SALUTE* -
Tis is a very good story... i almost cried.....Originally posted by peni's:Wes Brown - excellent story!!!
Clap!Clap!Clap!Clap!Clap!Clap!Clap!Clap!Clap!Clap!
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Huh? I doesn't look like a joke... It's not even funny...Originally posted by Wes Br0wn:It looks a joke to me, don't find anything touching about it.
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Mmmm... But i still like the story...
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its a joke, but it is not funny.Originally posted by Wes Br0wn:You know about black comedy? The joke is about a man's pathetic attempt to transform his story of betrayal into a touching romance, ironic aint it? -
Wes Browns talks again!Originally posted by Wes Br0wn:The funny part is that many people thought that it is touching and kept forwarding it to me, made me almost fell off my chair.
omg, he is ALIVE! -
LOL there are lots of such stories around, in fact, you can generate one of them in a minutes time.Originally posted by Wes Br0wn:The funny part is that many people thought that it is touching and kept forwarding it to me, made me almost fell off my chair.
choose your touching story generator:
characters: husband and wife/BF and GF
begining: they fall in love/get married
middle of story: husband got affair/wife thinks marriage is boring/GF got misunderstanding and quarrels with BF
end of story:wife thinks of a smart way to make the husband love her again/husband thinks of a smart way to make wife realise how much he loves her/BF meets tragedy, GF very sad and loves him more.
generate your own touching story!!
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I WANT A DIVORCE
A married couple is driving down the interstate doing 55 mph. The husband is behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him and says, "Honey, I know we've been married for 15 years, but, I want a divorce."
The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to 60 mph.
She then says, "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and he's a better lover than you."
Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as he clenches his hands on the steering wheels.
She says, "I want the house." Again the husband speeds up, and now is doing 70 mph.
She says, "I want the kids too." The husband just keeps driving faster, and faster, until he's up to 80 mph.
She says, "I want the car, the checking account, and all the credit cards too." The husband slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass piling, as she says, "Is there anything you want?" The husband says, "No, I've got everything I need right here."
She asks, "What's that?"
The husband replies just before they hit the wall at 90 mph. "I've got the airbag!" -
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why u have this face n00b?Originally posted by foga: -
Bull shlt, even if u put a super 20 litre engine into the hull of the bionix..Originally posted by evodarren:I WANT A DIVORCE
A married couple is driving down the interstate doing 55 mph. The husband is behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him and says, "Honey, I know we've been married for 15 years, but, I want a divorce."
The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to 60 mph.
She then says, "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and he's a better lover than you."
Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as he clenches his hands on the steering wheels.
She says, "I want the house." Again the husband speeds up, and now is doing 70 mph.
She says, "I want the kids too." The husband just keeps driving faster, and faster, until he's up to 80 mph.
She says, "I want the car, the checking account, and all the credit cards too." The husband slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass piling, as she says, "Is there anything you want?" The husband says, "No, I've got everything I need right here."
She asks, "What's that?"
The husband replies just before they hit the wall at 90 mph. "I've got the airbag!"
the bionix will smash and all of the occupants at 90 mph..will die
Even the best volvo built cannot stand this kind of speed into a wall.. -
its a joke la stoopayd. tell me a joke thats true.Originally posted by SibeiSuayKia:Bull shlt, even if u put a super 20 litre engine into the hull of the bionix..
the bionix will smash and all of the occupants at 90 mph..will die
Even the best volvo built cannot stand this kind of speed into a wall.. -
Originally posted by the.raven:its a joke la stoopayd. tell me a joke thats true.
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Originally posted by the.raven:its a joke la stoopayd. tell me a joke thats true.