An end of a relationship that lasted eleven years Â…
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I'm quite sure IÂ’m kind of tipsy now after a few bottles of forbidden fruit, and I think that's why I'm actually able to make myself share this with all.
I had never felt so lost before in my life! I always thought that god has been real kind to me - giving me entirely the best thing in life, and letting me meet my fiancée. Yes, we have been together for seven years, and she is definitely the first woman in my life. However, such generosity from god almighty is finally reaching a junction!
Just half a year ago, I propose to her after finally sorting out my thoughts. I realised that she is the woman of my life, and I sincerely want to provide her with all the happiness she ever wanted. I can still remember the sweetness of the proposal when she accepted it. I really felt like I’m nothing less than the most successful guy in the world – not because of anything, but simply because both my fiancée and me are deciding to move together, whether in the better or worse. I do not know what is happening now, and definitely do not know why just after half a year, things are starting to go astray. We have since gone separate ways for the past two months after some form of confusion – something I seriously do not know (or maybe I do!). Perhaps the pressure of commitment has really weighed both of us down. There seems to be so many reasons why we are no longer together, but then again, it seems altogether too vague at the same time.
Just to reminisce a bit, I started to take notice of her when I was in secondary 2. However, I had never made known my feelings towards her until I was secondary 4. At that time, sadly, a friend of mine backstabbed me, and as a result, my fiancée and my friend got together. However, this did not stop me from wanting to be with her. She has always been in my mind, and I was ready to wait for the best to happen to me. I guess finally my effort was paid off after about one year when they break up. I decided that it is best that I do something about it, and try to win her heart. Sadly, at that time, she never took fancy of me at all. We remain as friends for the remaining months to come, and I never gave up hope at all.
As a friend then, I was always very encouraging towards whatever she is doing, and always supported her decision. At the same time, I never forget to constantly show my care and concern to her, and making her feel appreciated. For at least six months, I would page (pager was still popular then) her every night to say “goodnight”, and will also send her letter at least once a week to tell her about myself. At that time, she still did not feel anything for me. But that did not stop me from wanting to grab my own happiness. I was very lucky to have friends that were very supportive then, and they always try to do whatever possible to help me. I guess my effort finally paid off when after half a year, hints from my friends suggest that my fiancée is finally taking notice of me, and will worry at times as well.
Finally, I mustered enough courage to ask her if she was willing to be my girlfriend then, but was rejected. I was sad, and was already quite disillusioned then, having put in so much effort already! Heaven has been kind to me! The following day after the rejection, we were supposed to go for a cruise together with many other friends. I actually do not want to go, but was finally persuaded to go by my friend. On the boat, there were once again many chances created for us by our friends. I thought I should just give myself one more tries then, and decided to ask her again. In a very dramatic scenario (I like this to me personal), she agreed to be my girlfriend. I guess the rest is history Â… (It took me four years to achieve this amazing feat!)
For the past seven years, there were many ups and downs, and of course we braved through all these storms. Things have never been better when just half a year ago, I finally decided to propose to her. That happy moment has been one of the best memories till date! We were very happy, and definitely blissful. I want to take up that responsibility towards her, and definitely want to be the best husband to her in the world – again this is history too …
She has always been a girl that desire to be loved, and definitely need me to take care of her. She has never been a person who is able to decide what she wants, and constantly needing me to plan for her. Of course I enjoy that process of taking responsibility. (I’m a very traditional man!). I admit that because of that, I’m also a bit of MCP. It was working fine all these while until … Just about 3 years ago, having realised that she is having difficulty in getting the right career, I decided to give her a helping hand. I introduce her to a friend of mine who is a financial advisor, and robe her into the finance industry. One for my fiancée strength is that she is a very determine and focus person (but seriously not decisive enough yet to make her own independent decisions), and she will go all out to satisfy her thirst for success.
ItÂ’s been since two months after separation, and I really was thinking that did I bring this to myself! She has totally changed since she tasted success in the industry. Although IÂ’m always there to support her in many areas, I believe she is now starting to believe that she is able to think for herself (and start to make independent decisions). IÂ’m not sure really, but I do believe that she is trying too hard to prove her worth to me! From the very first day she stepped into this industry, I have always been providing her with all the support she needed, be it financially or morally. In a way, she is now thinking that she is staying with me because she feels indebted to me. I was really shocked to know that! I didnÂ’t know that what I had been doing for the relationship has become something she felt complied.
All of a sudden, many things started happening between us. For a start, she no longer care about me, and the career is all that matters. Suddenly, the commitment towards our relationship is questionable! She is feeling very pressurised when is with me, and she cannot find comfort at all when with me. From the sole supporting pillar, I suddenly felt more and more like a hindrance to her career. Did I mould her to what is now, or did my way of doing things make it a pressure to her? I can say for sure that without me, there will be no career for her! But am I betting on this too much? Does mixing around with different people or successful people make her realised that IÂ’m actually not the right person for her?
I have to admit that at time, I did feel threaten by her booming career and success. No doubt I made her what she is now, it doesn’t really carry much weight thou! I understand that relationship should not be measured this way, but I really cannot understand the sudden change in her! Yes, she did tell me how she suddenly felt towards me for the past months, but why didn’t she say anything? I can still remember the promise we made half a year ago when we were engaged – does that not carry any more weight now?
I seriously very affected by what has happened, and have been trying to find an answer to it! My life has totally change suddenly after seven years, and I do not know where I will be moving on from here! I sincerely want to know from her what is going on, and what exactly is the problem! I cannot accept the fact that just half a year ago, we were so happy together – literally not able to live without each another everyday and night. This change is just so sudden! I’m not prepared to give her up, and I know that by giving up like this, not just will I not know what happened, I will also never forgive myself if something serious is happening to her life, and I’m not there for her when she needed me most …
“Love is not about having, it’s about giving …” -
...take care -
Originally posted by ettitus:
I agree but for love to work its miracle, it has to work both ways.
“Love is not about having, it’s about giving …”[/b]Originally posted by ettitus:
So ask her what's the problem
IÂ’m not prepared to give her up, and I know that by giving up like this, not just will I not know what happened, I will also never forgive myself if something serious is happening to her life, and IÂ’m not there for her when she needed me most Â…[/b]
And eititus, you have done your part as a caring and reponsible fiancee. The problem doesn't lie with you.... so i think you should sit down and talk to her about this? -
This is better to reside in cc or aa... why bar?
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Hi ettitus,
The two of you went through so much to be together, it is a wonderful journet filled with so much experiences. It is sad that things are in the state it is now. Don't give up hope, maybe there's a way to sort things out. I assume she had initiated the breakup. Did she give a reason? -
The process is not important. The result is........have to go on your own way. The world will not stop rotating because of anyone, any reasons
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well, gals are so unpredicatable
one day they will stick to you like glue, next day they will avoid you like you are a housefly
maybe she is also having her problem at work, think you guys better have a talk together and try to solve it out.
if nothing could be done to salavage the relationship, my advise for you is to get back on your feet and continue ur life as per normal -
No matter how successful one person is, he/she still need someone to be there to support or comfort her when he/she falls..Thirst for success and power is just temporary..Even u have everything in the world but don't have the loved one beside u..How happy can u get??All i can say is that, stand by her quietly..Let her do whatever she wants, but be there when she needs someone..Eleven years of relationship is a very very long time..Don't give up because of this..It is not worth it..There are not many eleven yrs in our life..
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Hey.. don't fret.. you've been together for so long, and been through thick and thin together.. Why should you let your worries ruin it for you now? Find the right time.. right mood.. and have a heart-to-heart talk with her.. lay out all the cards on the table..
But you musn't forget that she is human after all, just like you and me. And people do change now and then.. be it a significant or slight one..
There is much variation in the ever-changing Nature of a person.
Some changes are regarded as "mutations" whereas others are seen as "improvements".
In my opinion, it all depends on your point of view. Your perspective. If you look at it from a positive angle, you might see that she has probably realised that it was her métier, and is working really hard to make it a success.
Thus, she have somehow diverted her attention to her career, and that calls for a heart-to-heart talk, like i mentioned above.
However if you view it from a negative POV, you'll feel upset cause you think she doesn't care about you anymore, etc. etc.
True that she's neglecting you, but the phrase "iron things out" was invented for a reason. Cause it's possible.
Don't forget. It takes two hands to clap.
Take care
*sorry for my bad english.hope you'll understand what i've said.
Polar
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This may sound a bit of a coincidence, but i've actually read this before in a book.(The major points of it are the same.)
Guy meets Girl.
Guy woos Girl.
Eventually proposed.
Guy introduces Girl to Job.
Girl grows Independent.
Girl thinks Guy made her that way, and is indebted to him.
Girl suddenly feels stressful when around Guy.
No. There's nothing you did wrong. Its circumstances that made your relationship into what it is now.
Perhaps, if i were to dive into her mind, i would find that she has separated her life into 2 parts. Pre-Success, and Post-Success.
She's enjoying her post-success life right now, and you're not in it. In fact, you're very dormant in her Pre-Success life.
She doesn't want to be reminded of it everyday, when she looks at you. And she may be feeling a bit guilty that she's throwing away her love, for her success. That's why she's feeling stressed.
In the book, the guy eventually let her go, but that's because he didn't really love her in the first place.
Maybe you would like to reverse that scenario in real life. But how..?
Let me think through this a bit, but you should really post this in Aunt Agony. -
*pat pat*... dun be sad... if she can move on, so can u. maybe try talking to her again? ask her for the reason? 11yrs of relationship, there should be something more than just companioinship.
Dun drink too much, it won't help one bit but impair you from thinking straight.
take care! -
Might be expectations misalignment .. BTW how's communication between you both ...
length of time does not mena you know each other well. Staying together is very stressful... -
X 2~Originally posted by Otingocni:This is better to reside in cc or aa... why bar? 
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i think he's not familiar with the system here... he thinks Bar is the place for him to pour out his woes after his drinks..Originally posted by Otingocni:This is better to reside in cc or aa... why bar? -
I'm indeed new here, and there was really no need for me to visit forums like this last time, as I never had problems with my relationship before. This is least expected!Originally posted by sillyme:Hi ettitus,
The two of you went through so much to be together, it is a wonderful journet filled with so much experiences. It is sad that things are in the state it is now. Don't give up hope, maybe there's a way to sort things out. I assume she had initiated the breakup. Did she give a reason?
Anyway, you are right. She did initiate the break-up. But she is not entirely at fault, although on the surface, it seems like she is wrong. She gave no real reasons. I was simply told to shift all the wrongdoings to her, and that she is sorry that she is doing this to me! I know that she has mixed feelings about this relationship because of many issues - she owes me too much now, be it both money and relationship. She doesn't want to feel indebted to me now that she is gaining independence. However, the real deal here is the changed her! Her career in the finance sector has changed her tremendously! Frequent brainwash session by superiors and peers, motivation talks, has spurn her into her desire for success and becoming like them. The change has been drastic!
She seems to have forgotten all the vows we made to one another half a year ago, and has since developed a very self-cantered character. Her job as a financial consultant has cost me dearly as she changed. Of course, I think there are also the flaws in me that resulted in this outcome! For instance, she always feels that I'm trying to boss her around because I'm the one that made her what she is. However, I had tried explaining to her not once, but always, that I'm simply trying to assist her and be responsible towards her. Maybe she felt that I was too domineering, and take she has no free play with my presence. She is in a managerial position now, and I can see that she is thirsty for power and wants to assume responsibility. What I thought was best for her became something she hate! I guess itÂ’s my fault after all for not identifying the change in her earlier!
However, all these to me are just secondary. The one thing that is really upsetting me is the fact that she actually hated my sight! Straight after our break-up, I tried salvaging it as soon as possible. Although she insisted that we must not meet, but I really just cannot let go. I just can't help getting worried if she comes home too late (She normally work till 1am to 2am now due to the year end). I will get so worried if she is still not back, and will be running all around Singapore just to find her. I couldn't call her, and it seems altogether true that I'm quietly standing by her now. But 11 years prove to be something not easy to overcome! Just one day without her with me spiritually, I'm losing myself! As such, although I promised her that I would not look her up, I just can't keep to it! I think she hated me for that, and hurting remarks can really come from her after which. This is really upsetting me a great deal. Its simply too extreme! From someone that I can share my joy and sadness, she suddenly does not even want anything to do with me! That hurt me a lot! Moreover, when we were together, we often will care for one another, and always think in the best of the others interest. However, she does not even care whether what is happening to me now.
Currently, I quit my job and am studying now. While I was working, I was always able to support her financially. There is no such thing as my money. I regarded everything as ours the moment we were engaged. We even bought a car together because the car can assist her career. She does not have the cash, so I do not even mind paying cash upfront just to have a car for us. I can say that actually I disagree to the purchase, but thinking that we will be needing a car anyway, I agree to it. I'm even willing to compromise my plans just to make sure her work. Like I say, itÂ’s ours, and not mine or hers only! However, despite all the thing I done, I do not seem to be seeing any help in the relationship. I'm currently having some difficulties financially, but she definitely cannot assist me - She is heavily in debt to me anyway. Although I understand that love cannot be measured by such actions, but surely she should be able to feel my sincerity towards her right? Why is she so cold towards to me? Don't I even deserve at least credits for all these?
Having been together for eleven years, I'm sure that she is never a materialistic girl. I can feel that all these while! It is only for the past few months that things happened. However, I have to admit that she is never an effective decision maker. Perhaps in her position now, she yearns for a chance to make decisions, and to have a say in this relationship. To me now, I just hope that she is really in her post-success status, and do not really know what she wants. Of course on my part, I will continue to improve myself - to give her that respect that she wants, and to be that gentleman she wanted ... -
WAKE UP. It's NOT WORTH IT. ESPECIALLY WHEN you're EXPECTING a RETURN...
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Bro,
Just wondering how old you are........ I am 31 this year and really sad to read something like this... I am no Uncle Agony or adviser of sort but to share with you... I am married to my girlfriend of 17 years for six years now and we are juz about to split... this time its not her its me....
People change all the time when they are in different phases of life, it is up to the couple to accept and adapt to the constant change. I guess for a realtionship that has gone 7 solid years, nothing much seems to boost the relationship anymore, I mean lets face it Singapore in small, there is nothing much you can do, beside the 8 hours of sleep, 8 hours of work, the rest of the time is spent on many many different things like now... Me writting this mail and you reading this.
Your girlfriend has reached a new part of her life and is influenced by her earning power and she wants to know what else she is capable of, have you asked yourself, are you too possesive (I know you love her much)? Just like when we were in school, we had a couple of dollars as pocket money, and you try every way and means to make that few dollars stretch... As we progress in life with work and all, we also expend our ability to earn and thus spend, this is what you and your girlfriend try to do.
Talk to her in a good one to one talk w/o losing each others' cool, sometimes a short seperation is healthy to a even stronger relationship.... Hang in there don't give up.... give yourself some time...
Take care bro.. -
why would i have the feeling that she will suffer a setback soon??..
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why u left her?Originally posted by 29licklickwan:Bro,
Just wondering how old you are........ I am 31 this year and really sad to read something like this... I am no Uncle Agony or adviser of sort but to share with you... I am married to my girlfriend of 17 years for six years now and we are juz about to split... this time its not her its me....
People change all the time when they are in different phases of life, it is up to the couple to accept and adapt to the constant change. I guess for a realtionship that has gone 7 solid years, nothing much seems to boost the relationship anymore, I mean lets face it Singapore in small, there is nothing much you can do, beside the 8 hours of sleep, 8 hours of work, the rest of the time is spent on many many different things like now... Me writting this mail and you reading this.
Your girlfriend has reached a new part of her life and is influenced by her earning power and she wants to know what else she is capable of, have you asked yourself, are you too possesive (I know you love her much)? Just like when we were in school, we had a couple of dollars as pocket money, and you try every way and means to make that few dollars stretch... As we progress in life with work and all, we also expend our ability to earn and thus spend, this is what you and your girlfriend try to do.
Talk to her in a good one to one talk w/o losing each others' cool, sometimes a short seperation is healthy to a even stronger relationship.... Hang in there don't give up.... give yourself some time...
Take care bro.. -
bite the bullet and get on will life.
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sad to hear this, bro u got to live on.. it will be very hard,but dont spoil your life.. everything is well planned in life, the someone special is waiting for you.. just alittle furthere than u expected
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to me it seem like she had more encounter with the rich guys and also know the power of money so she cant resist the temptation ...
haiz...
take care..be strong.. no... after a fall be STRONGER.. -
/me feels sad for you.
but all i can derive is that you have been giving too much and getting too little back. you are in a "kui ben" business.
maybe you should ask around and see if she is getting too much stress from work and etc. the fact that she couldnt give you a reason why she want to break up, shows that she is not sure of her feelings herself. and when she doesnt want to see you, it doesnt mean that she detest and hate you, but that she wants to run away from her feelings.
she might be depressed, you never know.
anyway, wish you all the best. -
Take care brother...
Life goes on, whether you like it or not...
There're other things in life to pursue now...
Love begins with a smile, grows with a kiss, and ends with a teardrop. -
cool...nice lit essay....but luv cannot be forced or wad,juz ask her why she is liddat and talk to her more