An end of a relationship that lasted eleven years Â…
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Get a new life... it is not worth it...
If she can treat you like this now... imagine what she can do to you if you were married... divorce you and run away with your assets...
Go find another girl...do not give up a forest for a rotten tree
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Hi,Originally posted by greengoblin:Get a new life... it is not worth it...
If she can treat you like this now... imagine what she can do to you if you were married... divorce you and run away with your assets...
Go find another girl...do not give up a forest for a rotten tree
Thanks for the advise. I do know what I am doing now, and I'm very sure that she is not someone you imagine her to be. She is no rotten tree! If she really is, then its because of the rotten soil around her. She may not have been the best partner to me, but I'm also not a saint with Brad Pitt's face either .... -
How do you feel about your life now,brother?Originally posted by ettitus:Hi,
Thanks for the advise. I do know what I am doing now, and I'm very sure that she is not someone you imagine her to be. She is no rotten tree! If she really is, then its because of the rotten soil around her. She may not have been the best partner to me, but I'm also not a saint with Brad Pitt's face either ....
*Doenitz puts his arms over ettitus's shoulders" -
Ettitus,
May I give u some advice? U can think first, then consider whether they are useful or not.
1. You may be too possesive/ controlling/ domineering. She is now in a managerial position. At the office, she has some power and responsibility. Outside office when she meets u, she is supposed to listen to u and let u control her. This contradiction makes her uneasy. Solution: respect her more, give her more space, let her make more decisions.
2. You may not be succesful enough/ ambitious enough. She is brainwashed already with all the motivational talks. Now she wants to be rich, hit sales target, move up corporate ladder, and so on. When she sees u, she sees a student with financial problems, not ambitious enough, and totally incompatible with her goals and ambition. This makes her uneasy. Solution: remind her of ur plans when u graduate, share with her ur business ideas, and ur ambitions. Avoid talking about ur financial problems. If ur relative or friend is rich, mention them casually. The aim here is not to let her think that u are a loser or a poor man with bleak future.
3. Attend motivational talks together with her, such as Anthony Robbins, Robert Kiyosaki. Buy her books on sales skills, people skills, and motivations. Read them too and discuss with her. She will appreciate how u become so in tune with her new obsession and supporting her, instead of thinking that you are out-of-step with her.
4. If after all ur efforts, she is still cold towards u, maybe it is a sign that she is now really focused only on getting rich. She was never rich her whole life, and she believes finally now there is actually a chance to get rich. She wants to grab her chance, work hard, and achieve her dreams. Relationship doesnt fit into this picture. She is so focused that she is willing to put the relationship aside, to make room for her career. Solution: talk to her that she needs to have both a healthy relationship as well as a good career. Make her realize that both are important.
All the best. -
Hi,Originally posted by sexy_girl_1234:Ettitus,
May I give u some advice? U can think first, then consider whether they are useful or not.
1. You may be too possesive/ controlling/ domineering. She is now in a managerial position. At the office, she has some power and responsibility. Outside office when she meets u, she is supposed to listen to u and let u control her. This contradiction makes her uneasy. Solution: respect her more, give her more space, let her make more decisions.
2. You may not be succesful enough/ ambitious enough. She is brainwashed already with all the motivational talks. Now she wants to be rich, hit sales target, move up corporate ladder, and so on. When she sees u, she sees a student with financial problems, not ambitious enough, and totally incompatible with her goals and ambition. This makes her uneasy. Solution: remind her of ur plans when u graduate, share with her ur business ideas, and ur ambitions. Avoid talking about ur financial problems. If ur relative or friend is rich, mention them casually. The aim here is not to let her think that u are a loser or a poor man with bleak future.
3. Attend motivational talks together with her, such as Anthony Robbins, Robert Kiyosaki. Buy her books on sales skills, people skills, and motivations. Read them too and discuss with her. She will appreciate how u become so in tune with her new obsession and supporting her, instead of thinking that you are out-of-step with her.
4. If after all ur efforts, she is still cold towards u, maybe it is a sign that she is now really focused only on getting rich. She was never rich her whole life, and she believes finally now there is actually a chance to get rich. She wants to grab her chance, work hard, and achieve her dreams. Relationship doesnt fit into this picture. She is so focused that she is willing to put the relationship aside, to make room for her career. Solution: talk to her that she needs to have both a healthy relationship as well as a good career. Make her realize that both are important.
All the best.
Thanks for the advice. Much appreciated thou. However, what you are saying is not exactly fitting into this senario now. She is successful now in my context - but till date, she will feel handicap once I'm out of your life. The thing now is that I may be a student now, and not exactly in the managerial league, I'm however not 'poor'. I am having financial difficulities now because I'm also very much involved in some business, couple with having to handle many of her financial woes, and juggling my studies at the same time.
In my eye, she is successful because she has already achieve something I never thought she can, but that is all within the context of her career. In our relationship, she is still not mature enough to handle. Like I said earlier, she is never a good decision maker, and many a time when she made any, the problem will eventually come to me and land on my shoulder. She is very excited about her new life, and I can understand that. But having a new life and opinion does not equate giving up something else - unable to multitask. She has gotten many of your knowledge from me, and she knows clearly that she cannot 'win' me at all. However, like you said, as a manager, she has people under her, and this has created yet another form of confusion for her when with me. While I do understand this, the more important thing now is that she must understand it as well.
When she said she doesn't want to feel indebted to me, it can be clearly seen that she wants to be independent. However, she has become angry of herself because despite her not wanting to feel indebted, she is still very helpless in many areas, and my help is still necessary. While I look at it as a testimony between us, she is trying to take things too hard by giving herself too much pressure. That has cause the confusion!
Of course I have to bear some responsibility. I agree that I was possessive at time, and I definitely hate it when she has to meet people, or even colleagues at wee hours. I'm worried for her safety, but there is very little I can do. I do at time want to feel reciprocated by the amount of effort put in, and this has created much unwanted tension and pressure for her. I'm already trying to change myself for the better, and I definitely want her to change for the better as well.
But the problem now seems altogether different! While I wanted her to change for the better (and myself already doing it), I have reservation because I do not want to create tension and pressure again. I think no girls like to be preach the moment they got back together (hypothetically), and I definitely know that this is a NO GO! However, while I'm anxiously waiting for her to sort herself out, I have to admit that I truly dislike the way she handle this decision. But problem is, can I say anything! The answer is NO! I can't, coz I will be risking the relationship again. But on the other hand, I will be having that sort of feeling that I've been unfairly treated. And this knotty issue, if not carefully handled, will ultimately result in the same consequences again - having to go separate ways. On the flipside, leaving it will also create some form of invisible barrier, whereby fear will be instilled and the ability to communicate effectively will be dampened.
I just hope this is just another hurdle (final hurdle pls) by god for us to clear ...
P/S: Success is not just what people see in you, but also the level of self actualisation within. I think I was too ambitious in fact, and she has since been influence by me after all these years of being together. -
Then be hard hearted then and withdraw all your financial support for her. Throw back everything at her. If she comes back to you 'cause of this... it is not worth it 'cause she sees you as a back up plan. In any case, it can be seen as giving her complete independence and as a hurdle for you to show that you can let go. There is no need to possess an object that has no guarentees of coming to you. Just let it go free and let fate decide both your outcomes. In the mean time, live your own life. Complete your studies and move on. If you keep yearning for her and show her actions that illustrates that yearning, she will definately despise you. If she wants to come back, she will. Some people just need to learn the hard way. You cannot be there for her forever. Let her solve her own financial problems and let her cover her own shit hole. In the mean time, use whatever money you have to solve your own problem first. If you can't save yourself...don't bother saving her... she will wake up in the end.
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Hi ettitus,
From what you wrote, her job has greatly changed her. The problem is that you have not changed how you view her. To you, she's still the indecisive girl that needs your constant guidance. It seems that she has found empowerment through her job. Perhaps your constant 'guidance' is suffocating her. It will be good for the two of you to have some time apart to rethink about the relationship. Changes are inevitable, you just have to manage it. You're running a business, I'm sure you know that
Another thing. Maybe it's a good thing not to think that she is indebted to you for the many things you have done for her. If you did everything in love, then expect nothing in return. It's not a trade. Of course, we always hope for reciprocation but then one is not obligated to. You wouldn't want her to stay with you out of obligation, would you?
If she feels caged in this relationship, then you should let her move on. You said she was someone who was indecisive, not knowing what she wants. Well, she now knows what she wants. That's a good thing isn't it? I know this new-found independance is at your expense, but I think it's a good step forward. Let her chase what she wants now, give her room. Love withstands the test of time. Maybe after all the dust has settled, she finds a resting place in you, she would return. But now, you should wish her well and let her do what she wants and give her your support.
I wish you well. Hope the new year to come will be a fulfilling one -
i don't know what to say, whether your love is very deep or is it blind love. can you perhaps share with us a bit why you choose to wait for her for so long when you were both still kids? is it because you have a special connection or she has admirable qualities that you like? also, the circumstances under which she accepted your love seem a bit... forced. did she feel compelled to, with your friends giving her pressure, and hence she got into the relationship?
i'm very sure you love her very much, 'cause you defend her a lot against our wrong statements. but you have to ask yourself, did she ever love you? the sad fact may be that she never did, but chose to be with you because you love her vey much and she'd rather be loved than love (some girls are like that, even guys too), and you gave her the unmoving support?
i'm questioning if she has ever loved you though. -
I do not know whether there was any form of pressure on her when she decided to choose me. But for the past seven years, I too feel very loved by her. I trust that feeling! I waited for her so long because I'm always one that don't give things up easily. I thought this was the sole reason that made me carry on, and was getting worried that it was because of my principle that I wanted her to be with me. But after staying together, and going through many ups and downs, I realise that I love her dearly, even now! Trust me, I did question myself on this, and at the moment, the faith still stands strong.Originally posted by foxwalk:i don't know what to say, whether your love is very deep or is it blind love. can you perhaps share with us a bit why you choose to wait for her for so long when you were both still kids? is it because you have a special connection or she has admirable qualities that you like? also, the circumstances under which she accepted your love seem a bit... forced. did she feel compelled to, with your friends giving her pressure, and hence she got into the relationship?
i'm very sure you love her very much, 'cause you defend her a lot against our wrong statements. but you have to ask yourself, did she ever love you? the sad fact may be that she never did, but chose to be with you because you love her vey much and she'd rather be loved than love (some girls are like that, even guys too), and you gave her the unmoving support?
i'm questioning if she has ever loved you though.
I do not expect anything in return from her. She do not have to feel indebted to me at all! She is a bit stubborn, and at times would not want to do the right thing. Pride is very important to her too, and she views it importantly. Perhaps that's why she feel that she constantly indebted to me, and wants to stop that to make herself better. -
Then give her up then... you are a man for goodness sake... do not throw away all your pride for a woman whose love for you is in serious question.
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I think the reason y she leave u is You.Originally posted by ettitus:Hi,
Thanks for the advice. Much appreciated thou. However, what you are saying is not exactly fitting into this senario now. She is successful now in my context - but till date, she will feel handicap once I'm out of your life. The thing now is that I may be a student now, and not exactly in the managerial league, I'm however not 'poor'. I am having financial difficulities now because I'm also very much involved in some business, couple with having to handle many of her financial woes, and juggling my studies at the same time.
In my eye, she is successful because she has already achieve something I never thought she can, but that is all within the context of her career. In our relationship, she is still not mature enough to handle. Like I said earlier, she is never a good decision maker, and many a time when she made any, the problem will eventually come to me and land on my shoulder. She is very excited about her new life, and I can understand that. But having a new life and opinion does not equate giving up something else - unable to multitask. She has gotten many of your knowledge from me, and she knows clearly that she cannot 'win' me at all. However, like you said, as a manager, she has people under her, and this has created yet another form of confusion for her when with me. While I do understand this, the more important thing now is that she must understand it as well.
When she said she doesn't want to feel indebted to me, it can be clearly seen that she wants to be independent. However, she has become angry of herself because despite her not wanting to feel indebted, she is still very helpless in many areas, and my help is still necessary. While I look at it as a testimony between us, she is trying to take things too hard by giving herself too much pressure. That has cause the confusion!
Of course I have to bear some responsibility. I agree that I was possessive at time, and I definitely hate it when she has to meet people, or even colleagues at wee hours. I'm worried for her safety, but there is very little I can do. I do at time want to feel reciprocated by the amount of effort put in, and this has created much unwanted tension and pressure for her. I'm already trying to change myself for the better, and I definitely want her to change for the better as well.
But the problem now seems altogether different! While I wanted her to change for the better (and myself already doing it), I have reservation because I do not want to create tension and pressure again. I think no girls like to be preach the moment they got back together (hypothetically), and I definitely know that this is a NO GO! However, while I'm anxiously waiting for her to sort herself out, I have to admit that I truly dislike the way she handle this decision. But problem is, can I say anything! The answer is NO! I can't, coz I will be risking the relationship again. But on the other hand, I will be having that sort of feeling that I've been unfairly treated. And this knotty issue, if not carefully handled, will ultimately result in the same consequences again - having to go separate ways. On the flipside, leaving it will also create some form of invisible barrier, whereby fear will be instilled and the ability to communicate effectively will be dampened.
I just hope this is just another hurdle (final hurdle pls) by god for us to clear ...
P/S: Success is not just what people see in you, but also the level of self actualisation within. I think I was too ambitious in fact, and she has since been influence by me after all these years of being together.
1) Do you know her well? (Do not be too confident...think carefully)
2) Does she know you well?
3) Do you love her? Previous & Now
4) Does she love you? Previous & Now
Many more questions...but these will be the more vital ones...
One more thing...i'm juz listening to your story...one sided...i admire u n pity u...but that's not what she may feel/think towards u... -
at least u are better than me.. u still have chances to mend up and sort out problems.. my gf left me after 6 yrs and it has been 1 yrs plus since she left and im still thinking of her but she would want to contact wif me anymore...
which means i have no news of her... though we live 2 blocks away... -
ettitus,
First of all, we have all only listen to one side of the story, thus it's really hard to clear the air on what's going on actually between the inner you and the inner her.
However, it does appears that there is contradiction, and abit self-centered on your end of the story too.
Well, been in similar shoes, though I cannot consider myself out of the relationship mess until the day I step into my coffin, I do believe that everyone is changing all the time, including you and her and anyone reading.
To even maintain a relationship, both parties have to constantly learn and understand the changes in each other, adjust and adapt to the changes and trashing things out in heart-to-heart talks (not those surface level ones but genuine deep down heart-to-heart talks) even if it's the form of soft arguments, small quarrels, etc.
Communication is always a two-channel thing. What you think you know may not be actually what she keeps within herself. Aggressive is sometimes the igniting agent. Stepping back sometimes will bring the relationship a milestone forward...
No offense. But hearing your story, you reminded me of the ex-bf of one of my female friend, who simply refused to let go, who kept stalking her, who doesn't even behave like an adult (as in 30 years old) should be behaving, even though they were together for >7 years. She was shocked that the guy she has been with is actually so immature and that if she has know earlier, she would have left way before.
Everyone is an individual entity, and no one wants to be "puppet" around.....whether the reaction is instantly, or stored within until the final eruption.....
I am not saying you should juz give up...but do so smartly and manly.....not like a teenage boy who ain't going to give any ger security that she can spend the rest of her life with...not like a teenage boy who simply dunno when to let go, and giving any ger nightmares and fear of what actions you may do (eg. stalking).
There is always storm blowing in and out...if she realise you are "the one" for her, and if timing is right, one day you will find both of you together again, mysteriously... -
i think that long term relationship is not that easy to seperate...
try harder if u really feel that she is worth it..
love is not having but giving is true and it happens only when u cant have it. -
Love is really not easy.. no matter how long the r/s may be there's still a possibility of separation.. it really depends on how both parties make the effort together to make the r/s last.. after reading ur story, felt really sad for u too.. not sure wat u can really do to salvage the r/s but guess u haf to gif her sometime to think through.. she might be kind of confuse right now.. if everything goes well, she'll be back for u.. dun gif up hope.. alll the best and God Bless!
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Dear all,Originally posted by ~Lyn~:Love is really not easy.. no matter how long the r/s may be there's still a possibility of separation.. it really depends on how both parties make the effort together to make the r/s last.. after reading ur story, felt really sad for u too.. not sure wat u can really do to salvage the r/s but guess u haf to gif her sometime to think through.. she might be kind of confuse right now.. if everything goes well, she'll be back for u.. dun gif up hope.. alll the best and God Bless!
I sincerely thank you all for your time and effort rendered. Sorry that I had not replied to the forum for so long - I was hospitalised after an alcohol binge. Well, yes I was drinking a lot because when I was at Orchard, many memories came back to me again ... I think the 5 days in hospital really does help.
As much as possible, I will not be giving up this relationship, not without even fighting for it. I have been waiting for many years before getting together, and I think its that feeling of 'boredom' that's making me lose my patience towards the relationship now. I guess time really is the best medicine now. Its time I let go a bit and let the bird out of the cage. Whether or not this bird decides to leave or stay, its up to fate! Maybe another bird will fly by again, a better bird ...
Thank you all again for your help rendered once again. It was much appreciated. -
nice essays ur typed..haha...