R(a) joke...
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Originally posted by Hershey:Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping,
"Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?"
When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "God Almighty!!" shouted Mary and the teacher said, "Very good", and Mary fell back asleep.
A while later the teacher asked Mary, "Who is our Lord and Savior?"
But, Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the
rescue and stuck her again. "Jesus Christ!!" shouted Mary and the teacher said, "Very good", and Mary fell back asleep.
Then the teacher asked Mary a third question.
"What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!!"
The teacher fainted.
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Originally posted by windjammer:
I don understand... wat he mean by alittle at first???
[b]MONDAY
A young man joined the army and signed up with the paratroopers. He went though the standard training, completed the practice jumps from higher and higher structures, and finally went to take his first jump from an aeroplane. The next day, he phoned his father to tell him the news.
"So, did you jump?" the father asked.
"Well, let me tell you what happened. We got up in the 'plane, and the Sergeant opened up the door and asked for volunteers. About a dozen men got up and just walked out of the 'plane!"
"Is that when you jumped?" asked the father.
"Um, not yet. Then the Sergeant started to grab the other men one at a time and throw them out the door."
"Did you jump then?" asked the father.
"I'm getting to that. Everyone else had jumped, and I was the last man left on the 'plane. I told the Sergeant that I was too scared to jump. He told be to get off the 'plane or he'd kick my arse."
"So, did you jump?"
"Not then. He tried to push me out of the 'plane, but I grabbed onto the door and refused to go. Finally he called over the Jump Master. The Jump Master is this great big guy, about six-foot five, and 17 stone. He said to me, 'Boy, are you going to jump or not?' I said, 'No, Sir. I'm too scared.' So the Jump Master pulled down his zip and took his penis out. I swear, it was about ten inches long! He said, 'Boy, either you jump out of that door, or I'm sticking this up your arse.' "
"So, did you jump?" asked the father. "Well, a little, at first."
[/b]
Anyone care to explain???
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i think is mayb because he never jump and in the end he kanna f@#k backside
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WEDNESDAY
Once upon a time, there lived a happy couple, Mr. & Mrs. Ng with their lovely daughters; Elaine, Ena & Anele. The 3 daughters were brought up in a prim-and-proper way and when they reached 20, they were still virgins.Years past, and it was time to get them married.
So, the parents found them the most suitable 'leng chais'. They got married and were preparing to set-off on their honeymoon. As 'concerned', Mr.& Mrs. Ng were curious about their daughters' first-night experience. So, before the daughters went on their espective honeymoons, Mrs. Ng told them......" Your father & I want to know about your 1st night encounters and whether you are satisfied. Write a letter to us, but as not to raise your husbands' curiosity...you all must use a code-name to describe your experiences". So, the excited daughters were off.
A week passed. Mr. & Mrs.Ng got the first letter. It was from Elaine. They opened the letter and found the word STANDARD CHARTERED. They immediately took the newspaper and looked for Standard Chartered advertisement. Ah! here it is!!!!, exclaimed Mr. Ng. The motto f or Standard Chartered was...."BIG, STRONG & FRIENDLY".... Mr & Mrs. Ng were happy.
A week later, they got another letter.This time it was from Ena. The content was simple. "NESCAFE". So, again they took the newspaper and looked for the Nescafe ad. Ah! here it is... 'NESCAFE: PLEASURE TILL THE LAST DROP'.
Mr. & Mrs. Ng jumped in joy.
Another week passed. A month passed. 2 months passed. There was still no letter from Anele. The Ngs became worried. Finally, the
letter came. It was scribbled and could hardly be read, but Mrs.Ng
managed to figure it out. The code-name was "CATHAY PACIFIC".
Mr. Ng rushed to the nearest store and got a newspaper. He flipped the pages frantically.............ah! here it is!!! Mrs. Ng grabbed the page and read aloud. Before she could finish it ...... THUMP!!!!!!! .......she fell off her chair........... The motto
as..................." 7 TIMES A WEEK. 3 TIMES A DAY. NON-STOP ".
*************************************************************************************
LI BAI's POEM
(Chinese Version)
Chuang qian ming yue guang
Yi shi di shang shuang
Ju tou wang ming yue
Di tou shi gu xiang
Li Bai
(English Version)
The moon light is pouring down on my bedside
Like white frost spreading on the ground
I look up the bright round moon in the sky
And lower my head thinking of my dear hometown
Li Bai
(Singlish (Phua Chu Kang) Version)
Bedfront Moon Bright Bright
Think Is Floor White White
Lift Head See Moon Moon
Bow Head Miss Home Home...
(Ah-Beng Version)
Bedfront Orr Pi Sai (pick nose)
Think Think Go Pang Sai (go shit)
Pick Up Tai Gor Tai (handphone)
Talk Cock While Lau Sai
(Latest Reservist Army Version)
Bedfront Lau Bark Sai (tears drop)
Thinking About Exercise(reservist mobilization)
Drop Dead Look Into The Sky (run until no breathe)
Tong Kor Sia Lang Cai? (my heartache nobody knows)
(Anwar's version)
Cahaya bulan di tepi katilku
Macam "sainide" dalam kopiku
pandang atas cahaya purnama dari "lokap" ku
Ku pandang bawah siapa bongkok di depan aku
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MEN & WOMEN
A penis is a gentleman...when it sees a lady, it stands.
It is also an artist, after every performance, it bows
It is also a gossiper, it goes from mouth to mouth
Sperms and mayonaise have a lot in common.
1st : both are spreadable
2nd : both are rich in protein
3rd : both are Ladies Choice!
Lady goes to the dentist, takes off panty, sits down
and spread her legs .....
dentist : Obgyne is 1 floor higher, mdm
Lady : No! You installed my husband's dentures last week, you get them out now!
Woman in restaurant sees the chef flatening the
hamburger with armpit
Girl : That's the most disgusting thing I have ever seen!
Chef : You should have seen how we make donuts!?
Define blowjob
Its' the only job in the world that can't be written on a resume despite years of experience and number of references
A woman needs only 4 animals in her life :
a. a mink on her back
b. a jaguar in her garage
c. a tiger in her bed, and
d. a jackass to pay for it all!
Twin's talking inside mom's womb
Twin 1 : Oops, that place's shaking, dad's here
Twin 2 : Dad's early today
Twin 1 : hey, that's not dad! Dad doesn't wear a rain coat!
Tarzan : me go to the city to buy underwear, so that birdie's safe
Jane : OK, you not buy panty for me so pussy also safe?
Chita : and can you please buy condom for me so that
Jane's safe!
Name 5 roadsigns that best descibe the female organ
1 - deep excavation
2 - slipery when wet
3 - stop on red signal
4 - slow down on curves and humps
5 - men at work
What do men show when they kiss a woman's :
a. forehead ----- love
b. lips ----- loyalty
c. boobs ----- bravery
d. tummy ----- patriotism ; and
e. vagina ----- supreme sacrifice !
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At 1st he jumped a little, perhaps later he've enjoyed it lor! ~WAHAhahahaha...Originally posted by kamper:i think is mayb because he never jump and in the end he kanna f@#k backside " -
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nv jump off the plane.... then he get f**k....but y had to jump a little at first leh??? i still don understand....Originally posted by kamper:i think is mayb because he never jump and in the end he kanna f@#k backside
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just imagine a bit lor... if u kena screwed in the arse wat ur reaction will be...Originally posted by thhong22:nv jump off the plane.... then he get f**k....but y had to jump a little at first leh??? i still don understand.... -
THURSDAY
The Geography of a woman:
Between the ages of 15 - 18 a woman is like China or Iran.
Developing at a sizzling rate with a lot of potential but as yet
still not free or open.
Between the ages of 18 - 21 a woman is like Africa or Australia.
She is half discovered, half wild and naturally beautiful with
bushland around the fertile deltas.
Between the ages of 21 - 30 a woman is like America or Japan.
Completely discovered, very well developed and open to trade
especially with countries with cash or cars.
Between the ages of 30 - 35, she is like India or Spain. Very hot, relaxed and convinced of its own beauty.
Between the ages of 35 - 40 a woman is like France or Argentina.
She may have been half destroyed during the war but can still be a
warm and desirable place to visit.
Between the ages of 40 - 50 she is like Yugoslavia or Iraq.
She loecessary.
Between the ages of 50 - 60 she is like Russia or Canada.
Very wide, quiet and the borders are practically unpatrolled ut the
frigid climate keeps people away.
Between the ages of 60 - 70 a woman is like England or Mongolia.
With a glorious and all conquering past but alas no future.
After 70, they become Albania or Pakistan
Everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.
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Geography of a man
A man's life can be described as a train on a railway track.
When they are 20, Every station they want to stop.
When they are 30, They can only stop at one station.
When they are 40, they want to stop but they are not allowed to stop.
When they are 50, They want to stop but they cannot stop.
When they are 60, They can't even start. How to stop?
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AGE DIFFERENCES
What's the difference between women at the ages of 8,
18, 28, 38, 48 & 58?
8 - You take her to bed and tell her a story.
8 - You tell her a story and take her to bed.
28 - You don't need to tell her any story and take her to bed.
38 - She tells you a story and takes you to bed.
48 - You tell her a story to avoid going to bed.
58 - You stay in bed all day to avoid her story.
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MOODS OF A WOMAN
==================
An angel of truth and a dream of fiction,
a woman is a bundle of contradiction,
she's afraid of a wasp, will scream at a mouse,
but will tackle her boyfriend alone in the house.
she'll take him for better, she'll take him for worse
she'll break open his head and then be his nurse
but when he's well and can get out of bed
she'll pick up the tea-pot and aim for his head.
beautiful and keenly sighted, yet blind,
crafty and cruel, yet simple and kind
she'll call him a king, then make him a clown,
raise him on a pedestal, then knock him flat down.
she'll inspire him to deeds that ennoble man,
or make him her lackey to carry her fan.
she'll run away from him and never come back
but if he runs away, then she'll be on his tracks
sour as vinegar, sweet as a rose,
she'll kiss you one minute, then turn up her nose,
she'll win you in rage, enchant you in silk,
she'll be stronger than brandy, milder than milk
at times she'll be vengeful, merry and sad,
she'll hate you like poison, and love you like mad
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LADIES...TRUE AR...????
The problems with GUYS :
If u TREAT him nicely, he says u are IN LOVE with him; If u Don't, he says u are PROUD.
If u DRESS Nicely, he says u are trying to LURE him; If you Don't, he says u are from KAMPUNG.
If u ARGUE with him, he says u are STUBBORN; If u keep QUIET, he says u have no BRAINS.
If u are SMARTER than him, he'll Lose FACE; If he's Smarter than u, he is GREAT.
If u don't Love him, he Tries to POSSESS u; If u Love him, he will try to LEAVE u.(very true huh?)
If u don't Let him KISS u, he says u don't Love him; If u let him KISS! ! he says u are CHEAP.
If u tell him your PROBLEM, he says u are TROUBLESOME; If u Don't, he says dat u don't TRUST him
If u SCOLD him, u are like a NANNY to him; If he SCOLDS u, it is because he CARES for u.
If u BREAK your PROMISE, u Cannot be TRUSTED; If he BREAKS his, he is FORCED to do so.
If u SMOKE, u are BAD girl; If he SMOKES, he is GENTLEMAN.
If u do WELL in your Exams, he says it's LUCK; If he does Well, it's BRAINS.
If u HURT him, u are CRUEL; If he HURTS u, u are too SENSITIVE! !
Guys are in fact really so troublesome & sooo hard to
please!!!! i just want to add one more....
if you send this to guys, they will say its not true...but if
you don't, they say you are selfish.... -
hahahahhaha.... i donno leh... cannot imagine.... nv get ass fucked b4....Originally posted by windjammer:just imagine a bit lor... if u kena screwed in the arse wat ur reaction will be... -
hehehe... that is why i ask u ti imagine mah...Originally posted by thhong22:hahahahhaha.... i donno leh... cannot imagine.... nv get ass fucked b4.... -
FRIDAY
ANOTHER SINGH STORY
1. A SINGH who is sailor? > Karpal Singh
2. A SINGH who drinks hard liquor at party? > Yam Singh
3. A SINGH who is digging a hole? > Menggali Singh
4. A SINGH who likes to slap people? > Tau Ba Singh
5. A SINGH who is a gangster? > Samsingh
6. A SINGH who is lost? > Missingh
7. A SINGH who is noisy? > Bisingh
8. A SINGH who likes herbs? > Gin Singh
9. A SINGH who kills people? > Assassingh
10. A SINGH with one ball? > Balwant Singh
11. A SINGH with two balls? > Balan Singh(as in balancing)
2. A SINGH with three balls? > AMAZING !!!!!!
13. A SINGH who is swimming in an iced pool? > Kuldip Singh
14. A SINGH who likes to drink soft drinks? > Yeoh Hiap Singh
15. What do you call a Singh who owns a ship that sank?
No lah, not Titanic Singh. He's Karam Singh
16. What do you call a Singh who was sacked from the national
hockey team? > Relax Singh
17. What do you call a Singh who is a lousy Singh? > Owtar Singh
18. What do you call a Singh who likes roundabout? > Pu Sing
19. What do you call a Singh who is a three-star general?
Sam Lap Singh (cantonese)
21. What do you call a Singh who is flying around on a broom?
Sow pah Singh
22. If the Sikhs were to succeed in forming their own country, will > they call their currency? Mata Wang Ah Singh
23.A Singh who like to swear in vulgar...??? Tiunasingh.
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SINGAPOREAN & MALAYSIAN
Most of you would have heard of the Singapore 5 'C's
Car, Condo,Credit Card (Gold), Cash and Career
The latest is 5 'K's ...
Kiasu (scared of losing)
Kiasee (scared of dying)
Kiabor (scared of wife)
Kiaboh (scared of having nothing)
Kiachenghu (scared of government)
We've been reading about the 5 C's and 5 K's for Singaporeans, now comes the 5 Numerals and Malaysia's equivalent...
Singapore's "practice" for Simple Living :
1 - One Wife
2 - Two Children
3 - Three Bedroom Condo
4 - Four Wheels
5 - Five Figure Salary
That's why "Singapore is solid" ! Malaysia is in such a bad shape because.......
Malaysia's "practice" to Simple Living :
5 - Five Children
4 - Four Wives
3 - Three Figure Salary
2 - Two Wheels
1 - One-Storey Link House...
Malaysian Telephone Service Providers and what they really mean:
010 - ART 900 - Always Repair Telephone
011 - ATUR - Absolutely Terrible and Useless Radiophone
012 - Maxis - Moronic And Xtremely Inferior System
013 - TM Touch - Too Many TM Touch Owners Usually Change
Handphones
016 - DiGi 1800 - Don't Invest In Garbage Instruments
017 - ADAM - Always Dropping And Malfunctioning
018 - Mobifon - Most Often Bought In Fake Obnoxious Nightmarkets
019 - CELCOM - Cannot Enjoy Line Clarity on Outgoing Messages
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ENGLISH
The English did invent the English Language but they cannot use it
effectively (in as few words as possible) when communicating their
intentions. Just compare these few phrases that Asians and Britons
use to say the same thing especially when Singapore is trying to
promote proper usage of English.
1) In Shopping Mall
Briton: I'm sorry, Sir, but we don't seem to have the sweater you want in your size, but if you give me a moment,I can call the other outlets for you.
Asian: No stock-lah!
Hokkien: Bo liao!!
Malay: Habuk pun tadak.
2) Returning a call
Briton: Hello, this is John Wilkinson. Did anyone page for me a few
moments ago?
Asian: Hallo, who page eh?
Hokkien: Allo - chui chui pay-jer wa??!!
Malay: Eh eh, siapa cari I ??
3) When someone is in the way
Briton: Excuse me, I'd like to get by. Would you please make way?
Asian: S-kews!
Hokkien: Siam!! ka lim pek siam!
Malay: Tepi, tepi. Nak lalu ni.
4) When someone offers to pay
Briton: Hey, put your wallet away, this drink is on me.
Asian: No --- need.
Hokkien: Neber mind lar!! wa heng lui!!
Malay: dah... dah bayar pun.
5) When asking to be excused
Briton: If you would excuse me for a moment, I have to go to the
washroom. Please carry on without me, it would only take a moment.
Asian: Toy lert, toy lert, anyone?
Hokkien: wa ki pang sai seng...........
Malay: Buang air buah dulu..
6) When entertaining
Briton: Please make yourself right at home
Asian: Don't be shy-lah
Hokkien: mai keh ki hor!
Malay: Jangan malu-lah, buat macam harta mak bapa kau.
7) When doubting someone
Briton: I don't recall you giving me the money
Asian: Where got ?
Hokkien: Kan ni ne ...... mai keh keh hor !
Malay: Jangan merepek-lah, pergi-lah lu.
When declining an offer
Briton: I'd prefer not to do that if you don't mind
Asian: Doe - waaaaaaan
Hokkien: Mai............
Malay: Tak mauuuuulah
9) When deciding on a plan of action
Briton: What do you propose we do now that the movie is sold out and all the restaurants are closed?
Asian: So how?
Hokkien: tong gim ai cho si mi???
Malay: Amacam geng ???
10) When disagreeing on a topic of discussion
Briton: Err, Tom, I have to stop you there. I understand where you
are coming from but I really have to disagree with what you said about.
Asian: You mad, ah?
Hokkien: mai siao lar !!
Malay: Dah tebiat nak mampus.
11) When asking someone to lower their voice
Briton: Excuse me, but could you please lower your voice, I'm trying
to concentrate over here.
Asian: Shaddap lah!
Hokkien: mai ka lim bey kao peh kao boo lar !!
Malay: Mak kau punya serunding, tak tahu nak diam kah per?
12) When asking someone if he or she knows you
Briton: Excuse me but I noticed you staring at me for some time. Do
I know you?
Asian: See what? Never see before, ah??
Hokkien: Kwa kwa! kwa si mi? kwa be koey si bo?
Malay: Tengok apa lu, nak kena sebiji??
13) When asking for permission
Briton: Excuse me but do you think it would be possible for me to
enter through this door?
Asian: [pointing at the door] can or not ?
Hokkien: ........................ [ no need to ask ]
Malay: Tepi, tepi. Lu punya bapa punya jalan, kah?
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Origin of Mad Cow Disease
A female TV reporter went to have an interview with a farmer, seeking the main cause of Mad Cow disease.
The Lady : Good evening Sir, we are here to collect information about the reason that causes Mad Cow Disease. Do you have any idea what might be the reason?
The Farmer stared at the reporter and said, "Do you know that the
bull f***s the cow once a year?
The Lady (getting embarrassed): "Well sir, that's a new piece of
information, but what's the relation between this phenomenon and
Mad Cow Disease?
The Farmer : Well Madam, do you know that we milk the cow four times a day?
The Lady : Sir, this is really valuable information, but what about
getting to the point?
The Farmer : I am getting to the point Madam. Just imagine, if I was playing with your tits four times a day and only f***ing you once a
year, wouldn't you get mad? -
he jumped a little at first when the cock kena jammed into him becos of pain or shock... but stopped jumping becos he got used to it or something lor...Originally posted by thhong22:nv jump off the plane.... then he get f**k....but y had to jump a little at first leh??? i still don understand....
basically he chose to get his ass raped than to jump... -
heehee.... okok thanx 4 explainingOriginally posted by jOhO:he jumped a little at first when the cock kena jammed into him becos of pain or shock... but stopped jumping becos he got used to it or something lor...
basically he chose to get his ass raped than to jump... -
This is not a R(a) joke lah... But anyway, don't be disappointed guys... I still think this is a good adult joke...?
> A junior manager, a senior manager and their boss
> are on their way to
> a meeting.
>
> On their way through a park, they come across a
> wonder lamp. They rub
> the lamp and a ghost appears. The ghost
> says,"Normally, one is granted
> three wishes but as you are three, I will allow one
> wish each"
>
> So the eager senior manager shouted, I want the
> first wish. I want to be
> in the Bahamas, on a fast boat and have no worries.
> "Pfufffff, and he
> was gone.
>
> Now the junior manager could not keep quiet and
> shouted " I want to be
> in Florida with beautiful girls, plenty of food and
> cocktails. "Pfufffff,
> and he was also gone.
>
> The boss calmly said,"I want these two idiots back
> in the office after lunch
> at 12.35pm"
>
> Moral of the story is:
> "Always allow the bosses to speak first"