Jokes galore!
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Women will spend hours dressing up to go out, and then they'll go out and spend more time
checking out other women. Men can never catch women checking out other men; women will
always catch men checking out other women.
It's okay for women to dance with each other and not be gay,
You don't see straight men dancing together.
Women don't really care about a sense of humor in a guy despite claims to the contrary.
You don't see women trampling over Tom Cruise to get to Gilbert Gottfried, do you?
Women never check to see if the lid is up. They seem to prefer taking a flying butt leap towards
the bowl and then chewing men out because they "left the seat up" instead of taking two seconds
and lowering it themselves.
Women want equal rights, but you rarely hear them clamoring to be let into the draft to cover the
responsibilities that go with those rights. All women seek equality with men until it comes to:
sharing the closet, taking out the trash, and picking up the check.
All women are overweight by definition; don't agree with them about it.
Women always have 5 pounds to lose, but don't bring this up unless they really have 5 pounds to gain.
PMS stands for: Permissible Man-Slaughter. (Or at least men think it means that. PMS also stands for
Preposterous Mood Swings and Punish My Spouse.)
Women don't understand the appeal of sports. Men seek entertainment that allows them to escape reality.
Women seek entertainment that reminds them of how horrible things *could* be.
Women need to feel like there are people worse off than they are.
That's why soap operas and Oprah Winfrey-type shows are so successful. -
Abe's son arrived home from school puffing and panting, sweat rolling down his face. "Dad, you'll be so proud of me," he said, "I saved a dollar by running behind the bus all the way home!" "Oy Vey!" said Abe, "You could have run behind a taxi and saved $20.00!"
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If your wife doesn't feel well, gentlemen, do what I do to speed her recovery -- offer to help with the housework. If you don't think there's such a thing as a miracle recovery, you ought to see my wife get well again every time I start to vacuum the windows.
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One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two pathetic men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate, and asked, "Why are you eating grass?""We don't have no money for food," the first man replied. "Oh, well, you can come with me to my house," insisted the lawyer."But, sir, I got a wife and three kids here.""Bring them along!" replied the lawyer."But how 'bout my friend?" The lawyer turned to the other man and said, "You come with us, too.""But, sir," said the friend, "I got a wife and six kids!" "Bring them as well!" answered the lawyer as he headed for his limo.They all climbed into the car, and once underway, one of the poor fellows says: "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll love my place. The grass is almost a foot tall."
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Young Son:"Is it true, Dad? I heard that in some parts of Asia a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?Dad:"That happens in most countries, son."
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It seems that when God was making the world, he called man over and
bestowed upon him twenty years of normal sex life. Man was horrified.
"Only twenty years of normal sex life?" but the Lord was very adamant
that was all man could have.
Then the Lord called the monkey and gave him twenty years.
"But I don't need twenty years", he protested, "Ten is plenty for me."
Man spoke up eagerly. "Can I have the other ten?" The monkey graciously agreed.
Then the Lord called the lion and gave him twenty years, and the lion,
like the monkey, wanted only ten. Again the man spoke up,
"Can I have the other ten?" The lion said of course he could.
Then came the donkey and he was given twenty years - but like the others,
ten was sufficient - and again man pleaded, "Can I have the other ten?"
This explains why man has twenty years of normal sex life...
plus ten years of monkeying around, ten years of lion about it,
and ten years of making an ass of himself. -
Little Johnny returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.
"Why?" asks the father.
"The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3?' I said '6'"
"But that's right!"
"Then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?'"
His father asks, "What's the fucking difference?"
Johnny says, "That's exactly what I said!" -
Two elderly gentlemen, who had been without sex for several years, decided
> they needed to visit a cat-house. When they arrived, the madam took one
> look at them and decided she wasn't going to waste any of her girls on
> these two old men. So she used "blow-up" dolls instead. She put the
> dolls in each man's room and left them to their business.
> After the two men were finished, they started for home and got to talking.
> The first man said, "I think the girl I had was dead. She never moved,
> talked, or even groaned . . . how was it for you?"
> The second man replied, "I think mine was a witch."
> The first man asked, "How's that?"
> "Well," said the second man, "when I nibbled on her breast, she farted,
> then flew out the window." -
> SAVING
> There are these 3 friends who play golf together every Saturday. One
> Saturday they are getting ready to tee off when a guy, by himself, asks if
> he can join them. The friends look at each other and then look at the guy
> and say, sure.
> They tee off and about two holes into the game, the friends get curious
> about what the guy does for a living. So they ask him.
> The stranger tells them he's a hitman. The friends all laugh.
> The guy says, "No really, I am a hitman. My gun is in my golf bag. I carry
> it everywhere. You can take a look at it if you like."
> One of the friends decides to check it out. He opened the bag and, sure
> enough, there is a rifle with a huge scope attached. He gets all excited
> and says, "WOW I bet I can see my house through here, May I look?" The hit
> man replies, "Sure."
> The guy looks for a second and says, "YEAH You can see my house I can even
> see through the windows into my bedroom. There's my wife, naked. Isn't she
> beautiful? WAIT! There's my next door neighbor and he's naked too!"
> This really upsets the guy, so he asks the hitman how much it would be for
> a hit.
> The hitman replies, "I get $1000 every time I pull the trigger."
> The guy responds, "$1000?, well ok I want two hits. I want you to shoot my
> wife right in the mouth. She's always nagging at me and I can't stand it.
> Second, I want you to shoot my neighbor in the penis, just for screwing
> around with my wife."
> The hit man agrees, gears up and looks through the scope. He's looking for
> about five minutes.
> Finally the man starts to get really impatient and asks, "What the hell
are
> you waiting for?"
> The hitman replies, "Just hold on.... I'm about to save you a thousand
> bucks." -
For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other
in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven.
"You've been such exemplary statues," he announced to them, "That I'm going
to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes,
in which you can do anything you want."
And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life.
The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes,
from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches.
Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces.
"You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking at them.
Grinning even more widely the female statue turned to the male statue and said,
"Great! Only this time...you hold the pigeon down and I'll crap on it's head." -
A guy noticed that his buddy was troubled and asked what was wrong.
"Ohhh, it's my girlfriend."
"Oh yeah? What's the problem?"
"When I asked her if she could learn to love me," he said -
"she asked me how much I was willing to spend on her education!" -
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's
drinking it the monkey jumps around all over the place. The monkey grabs
some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and
eats them, then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it
in his mouth and swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
The guy says, "No, what?"
"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole!", says the bartender.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the patron. He eats everything in sight,
the little bastard. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."
He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves.
Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him.
He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.
While the man is drinking his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry
on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out, and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?", he asks.
"Now what?", responds the patron.
"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his ass, then pulled it out and ate it!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the patron. "He still eats everything in sight,
but ever since he ate that cue ball he measures everything first!" -
Humankind's propensity for imposing anthropomorphic characteristics
on inanimate objects has now reached computers.
But, which gender should your PC be?
Here are the top ten reasons why they have to be male.
They have a lot of data, but they're still clueless.
A better model is just around the corner.
They look nice and shiny until you get them home.
It's always essential to have a backup.
They'll do whatever you want if you push the right buttons.
The best part of having one is the games you can play.
In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
The lights are on but nobody's home.
Big power surges knock them out at night.
Size does matter.
But then again, here are the top ten reasons why they are obviously female.
They're oh so picky, picky, picky.
They hear what you say, but not what you mean.
Beauty is only shell deep.
When you ask them what's wrong, they always say 'nothing'.
They can produce incorrect results with alarming speed.
They are always turning simple statements into big productions.
Small talk is important.
You do the same thing for years, and suddenly it's wrong.
They make you take the garbage out.
Miss a period and they go wild. -
A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages.
Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it.
What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.
"Mama, look what I found", the boy called out.
"What have you got there, dear?"
With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear!" -
Little Johnny is passing his parents' bedroom in the middle of the night,
in search of a glass of water. Hearing a lot of moaning and thumping,
he peeks in and catches his folks in The Act.
Before dad can even react, Little Johnny exclaims -
"Oh, boy! Horsy ride! Daddy, can I ride on your back?"
Daddy, relieved that Johnny's not asking more uncomfortable questions,
and seeing the opportunity not to break his stride, agrees. Johnny hops
on and daddy starts going to town. Pretty soon mommy starts moaning and gasping.
Johnny cries out "Hang on tight, Daddy!
This is the part where me and the milkman usually get bucked off!" -
Little Red Riding Hood was on her way to Grandma's house when all of a sudden
the big bad wolf jumps out from behind a tree!
"Red Riding Hood, I'm going to eat you!" he growls.
"Eat, eat, eat," says Little Red Riding Hood.
"Doesn't anybody screw anymore?"
******
Little Red Riding Hood was on her way to Grandma's house when all of a sudden
the big bad wolf jumps out from behind a tree!
"Red Riding Hood, I'm going to fuck you!" he growls.
Little Red Riding Hood pulls a gun from her bag, points it at the wolf and says,
"No you're not, you're going to eat me like the story says!" -
Gentlemen:
I have been riding trains daily for the last two years, and the service on your line
seems to be getting worse every day. I am tired of standing in the aisle all the
time on a 14-mile trip. I think the transportation system is worse than that
enjoyed by people 2,000 years ago.
Yours truly, A Commuter
Dear Sir:
We received your letter with reference to the shortcomings of our service and
believe you are somewhat confused in your history.
The only mode of transportation 2,000 years ago was by foot.
Sincerely, The Railroad
Gentlemen:
I am in receipt of your letter, and I think you are the ones who are confused in your history.
If you will refer to the Bible, Book of David, 9th Chapter, you will find that Balaam rode to
town on his ass.
That, gentlemen, is something I have not been able to do on your train in the last two years.
Yours truly,
A Commuter -
An attractive woman entered a pet shop. When the clerk offered assistance, she
explained that she was recently divorced, and was looking for a small-ish dog for company.
The clerk explained that the name of the store was 'Exotic Pets' and that, unfortunately,
they did not stock cats, dogs, fish or any commonplace pets.
He did say, however, that he had something which might be ideal. He took the woman into a back room.
He walked over to a terrarium, and pointed proudly to a large bullfrog which sat inside it.
"Would that suit your needs?" he asked.
The woman answered, scornfully, that she hardly thought an amphibian would be a suitable companion.
"Ah," replied the salesman, leering, "but this 'amphibian' has been carefully trained ...
to perform oral sex upon women."
At this the woman's eyes lit up.She eagerly negotiated a price of $500 for the frog, and left
with it in her expectant possession. Arriving home, she drew a bubble bath, poured a glass
of champagne and relaxed in anticipation. When she was thoroughly mellow, she dried herself,
and arranged herself, nude, upon her bed. Parting her thighs, she placed the frog between them,
closed her eyes, and waited.
Nothing happened. She prodded the frog. Still nothing. She moved it Up further toward her body.
Nothing. She ordered it to perform. No response.
After an hour of this frustration, she lifted the phone, and called the pet shop.
When the clerk answered, she complained loudly that she had been cheated.
The clerk apologized profusely, wrote down her address, and said he'd be right over.
Ten minutes later, he knocked on the door, and the woman answered, wearing a nightgown.
He asked her to demonstrate the problem. She obliged, by disrobing and assuming her former
position, with the frog in place. The frog made no movement.
"You see?" she asked, petulantly.
"Yes, I do," said the man.
Then, addressing the frog as he removed his necktie and shirt, he said sternly -
"Now, I'm only going to show you this one more time! ..." -
Things You Would Never Know Without Indian Movies
=================================================
01. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to cleanse his wounds.
02. If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.
03. The hero cannot fall in love with the heroine (vice versa) unless
they first perform a dance number in the rain.
04. Once applied, make-up is permanent, in rain or in any other
situation.
05. A large group of goondoos can be shooting at the hero, but he will never be hit, unless of course he is attempting to save the heroine.
06. Enemies shooting the hero will always miss but every shot the hero takes from his small revolver will kill an opponent.
07. Two lovers can be dancing in the field and out of nowhere, 100 people will appear from god-knows-where and joins them in the dance.
08. The heroine will have time to change outfits several times in one
song,however short the song will be.
09. If the hero start dancing in a field, everyone you bump into will
know all the steps, and will be wearing coordinated outfits.
10. It does not matter if the hero is heavily outnumbered in a martial
arts fighting - the enemies will wait patiently to attack him one by one by moving around in a threatening manner until he has knocked out his current opponent then the next one will follow up.
11. In the final scene, the hero will discover that the bad guy who he is up against is actually his brother and the maid who looked after him is his mother and the chief inspector is his father and the Judge is his uncle and so forth.
12. Key English words used in the movie (usually said out loud between sentences) are No Problem!, My God!, Get Out!, Shut-up!, Impossible!, Please forgive me!
13.They drop down on grounds and roll and roll while singing and came out with different clothings.
14.They can run around the coconut trees, singing, battling eyelid, and throwing glances at each other and change clothes all at the same time without being out of breath.
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Things You Would Never Know Without Chinese Swordsman Movies
=====================================================
01. Being the hero's parents will always be unlucky and will usually be killed by enemies when the hero is young, and the hero will become an orphan.
02. When a man is wounded and dying, he always manage to catch his breath and speak a few sentences to reveal the killer before dropping his head and declare dead.
03. When an old man is dying after being attacked by villains, while
lying down he will ask the hero (kneeling beside him) to take care of his beautiful daughter, who will be crying.
04. When fighting with the enemy, instead of hitting each other, the
villain and the hero will choose to hit each other's palm and stone there for sometime before pushing each other away..... and one of them will spill blood out of his mouth.
05. Skilled people are able to fly over roof tops, up trees and across distances without any sweat. But when travelling to towns and villages, they still have to walk or ride horses.
06. When saying goodbye to other skilled fighters, they will cover their right fist with their left palm and jumping out of camera screen assuming you know they actually fly off into the sky.
07. The heroes need not have to work for money, but will always have golds and silvers with them to pay for their dishes.
08. The inn is such an up-to-date information-centre that when having lunch at the inn, you can always overhear gossips of latest news on what's happening in the pugilistic-world. And usually the gossips come from a few goons exactly at the next table.
09. Assassins seem to have some kind of agency for employments - they always wear the same standard uniform, black cloth all over revealing only the eyes.
10. The heroes and villains will meet each other very often no matter how big the country is and no matter where they are.
11. It's easy to immobilize someone - just touch someone with your fore finger and middle finger anywhere on his body and he will not move... but he still can curse and swear.
12. To cure an immobilization, just anyhow tap your fingers all over his body again.
13. Healing internal wounds in the body is as easy as sitting down
cross-legged, palms on the knees and smoke coming out from the head.
14. People like to pass short messages on paper with flying darts to show off their darting skills.
15. When committing suicide, people are so lazy that they choose to hit the forehead with their own palm.
16. The villains have some kind of strange habit that they like to stay in a secret underground compartment just behind the walls of their room....usually opened up by turning a small statue.
17. When chasing someone, people tend to shout at the runner and order him to stop... as if he will obey.
18. Nobel's invention of explosives in 1866 is in fact useless. Highly
skilled people in the pugilistic world during ancient times already know how to cause explosions with bare hands.
19. Highly skilled villains have the power to destroy rocks, but do not have the power to kill the hero.
20. Two highly skilled person are so nervous in their duel that they keep talking and criticizing each other before they actually start the fight.
21. People in the pugilistic world are so free that they don't have to work. They attend gatherings, meetings every time and nose round other people's matter.
22. They can keep a lot of stuff in their sleeves and waistband and never drop them, especially a lot of gold and silver ingots... -
Question: Why is the "69" position is also called
the "smokers position?"
Answer: Because while she issmoking the cigar, he is
cleaning the ashtray.
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Question: Why sperm donation is
more expensive rather than blood donation?
Answer: Because it's HANDMADE!!
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An old man married a young girl. On wedding night he showed
five fingers to his wife.
Young girl : Ooh.. darling! 5 times?
Old man : No dear, choose which one you prefer to start with.
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Question : What is the closest thingsimilar to a woman's period?
Answer : Your salary, it comes once a month lasts about 5-7
days and if it doesn't come it means you are in big trouble!!
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Question : What is the smallest hotel in the world?
Answer : It's Virgina because it can only accomodate 1
standing occupant and left 2 baggages outside!
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2 prostitutes (bitches) were in a taxi, on their way home after "work".
Bitch 1 : I smell sperm!!
Bitch 2 : Opps!! Sorry, I burped!!
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A woman gave birth to six babies and on seeing this she
got out off hospital bed and slapped her husband and
shouted, "I told you not to go doggy style!"
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A prostitute goes to deposit a $100 bill in a bank.
The teller says, "Sorry, madam, the note is fake".
"Oh no!" exclaimed the prostitute, "I have been raped".
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Man went to the chemist to buy a box of a Viagra.
Chemist said that it would be useless.
Man said, "I am 70, sex is out of question, I just want to stop
peeing on my shoes".
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A Japanese girl accidentally lets out a big fart after making
love.
She said, "Aww, so solly... exkooz me pleazo, Flont hole so
happy, back hole laugh out loud".
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Love is complicated machinery. But sometimes all you need
is a good screw to fix it.
............................................................................................
Sex is like a card game. If you don't have a good partner,
you better have a good hand.
............................................................................................
What is the useless piece of flesh attached to the penis called
- The Man!!
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Whoever first said that "A dog is man's best friend" had
never seen a pussy before.
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Why is breast milk good for health?
Because it is great for blood circulation, provides heat, is
refreshing and comes in attractive containers.
................................................................................................
Why was two-piece bikini invented?
To separate meat section from the dairy section.
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Mother was scolding the daughter,
"I don't like the guy you are going out with. He is too dumb".
"No, momma," she said, "He is going to be a doctor and he
has already cured me of that illness that I used to have every month!" -
A wife arriving home after a shopping trip, was horrified to find her husband
in bed with a young, lovely thing. Just as she was about to storm out of the
house, her husband stopped her with these words:
"Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about.
Driving home, I saw this young girl, looking poor and tired, I offered her a
ride.
She was hungry, so I brought her home and fed her some of the roast you had
forgotten about in the refrigerator. Her shoes were worn out so I gave her a
pair
of your shoes you didn't wear because they were out of style. She was cold so
I gave her that new birthday sweater you never wear because the color didn't
suit you.
Her slacks were worn out so I gave a pair of yours that you don't fit into
anymore.
Then as she was about to leave the house, she had paused and asked, -
"Is there anything else that your wife doesn't use anymore?" -
An old guy is sitting on a bus when a punk-rocker gets on.
The punkrocker's hair is red, green, yellow and orange.
He has feather earrings.
When he sees the old man staring at him, the punk rocker says...
"What's the matter old man?
Didn't you ever do anything wild when you were a young guy?"
The old guy says in reply "Yeah. One time I had sex with a parrot.
I thought maybe you were my kid. . . "