Jokes, Puns and Funny Pics/Quotes etc III
-
Mr. Johnson, a businessman from Wisconsin, went on a business
trip to Louisiana. He immediately sent an e-mail back home to his wife,
Jennifer ([email protected]).
Unfortunately, he forgot his wife's exact email address and the
e-mail ended up going to a Mrs. Joan Johnson ([email protected])
of New Jersey, the wife of a preacher who had just passed
away.
The preacher's wife took one look at the e-mail and promptly
fainted.
When she was finally revived by her daughter, she nervously
pointed to the message, which read: "Arrived safely, but it
sure is hot down here." -
Rules that guys wished girls knew..........
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
2. Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up, put it down.
3. Don't cut your hair. Ever.
4. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to
see
if he can find the perfect present!
5. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an
answer you don't want to hear.
6. Sometimes, he's not thinking about you. Live with it.
7. Don't ask him what he's thinking about unless you are
prepared
to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation,and
monster trucks.
8. Get rid of your cat. And no, it's not different, it's just
like ever other cat.
9. Dogs are better than ANY cats. Period.
10. Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of
the tides. Let it be.
11. Shopping is not a sport.
12. Anything you wear is fine. Really.
13. You have enough clothes.
14. You have too many shoes.
15. Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us
to like it.
16. Your brother is an idiot, your ex-boyfriend is an idiot, and
your dad's way past idiot.
17. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.
18. No, he doesn't know what day it is. He never will. Mark
anniversaries on a calendar.
19. Pissing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point
blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes.
20. Most guys own two to three pairs of shoes - what makes you
think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would
look good with your dress?
21. Yes, and No are perfectly acceptable answers.
22. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a
doctor.
23. Your Mom doesn't have to be our best friend.
24. Foreign films are best left to foreigners.
25. Check your oil.
26. Don't give us 50 rules when 25 will do.
27. Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.
28. It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the
quiz in Cosmo together.
29. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an
argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.
30. If you don't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't
expect us to act like soap opera guys.
31. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of
the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
32. Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we
know how pretty you are?
33. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come
out.
34. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you
want it done - but not both.
35. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say
during commercials.
36. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do
we.
37. Women wearing Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their
right to complain about having their boobs stared at.
38. Consider golf a mini-vacation from you. We need it, just
like you do.
39. Telling us that the models in the men's magazines are
airbrushed makes you look jealous and petty, and it's certainly
not going to deter us from reading the magazines.
40. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first
two months we were going out.
41. Anyone can buy condoms. -
Why do a married man and his single male friend envy each
other?
Each one thinks the other is having sex more often.
******
Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo?
A. A gigolo only screws one person at a time. -
A couple came upon a wishing well.
The husband leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny.
The wife decided to make a wish, too.
But she leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned.
The husband was stunned for a while but then smiled and
said...
"Cool!...It really works"! -
can tell us the url?
-
One day, a girl walked up to her mother and looked at her
mother's hair and sadly said: "Why is some of your hair white mommy?"
The mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something
wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turn white.
The girl thought about this revelation a while, and then said...
"Momma, how come *all* of grandma's hairs are white?" -
A guy is taking a walk and sees a frog on the side of the road.
As he comes closer, the frog starts to talk. 'Kiss me and I will
turn into a princess.'
The guy picks the frog up and puts it in his pocket.
The frog starts shouting, 'Hey! Didn't you hear me? I'm a
Princess. Just kiss me and I will be yours.'
The guy takes the frog out of his pocket and smiles at it and
puts it back.
The frog is really frustrated. 'I don't get it. Why won't you
kiss me? I will turn into a beautiful princess and do anything
you ask.'
The guy says, 'Look, I'm a computer geek. I don't have time for
girls. But a talking frog is cool!' -
My wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned
to our six- year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say
the blessing?"
I wouldn't know what to say," she replied. "Just say what you
hear Mommy say," my wife instructed.
Our daughter bowed her head and said: "Dear Lord, why on earth
did I invite all these people to dinner"!
*****
Women's faults are many, men have only 2:
Everything they say and everything they do. -
A young man and woman come to a doctor's office and say:
"Doctor, we would like to know if we are screwing properly. Will
you watch us, please?"
The doctor, somewhat puzzled, agrees, they climb on his table,
the boy gets on top of the girl, and they have sex. After
observing them, the doctor says, "Yes, you're having sex
properly. That will be forty dollars."
They come back the next day with the same request, but this time
the boy enters the girl from the rear. They keep coming for four
days in a row, using different positions every day.
On the fifth visit the doctor says, "Why do you keep on coming
back? I told you you're having sex properly."
The boy explains, "The hotel room costs the same forty dollars,
but this way we get reimbursed by Medicaid." -
A mute was walking down the street one day and chanced upon a
friend of his (also a mute).
In sign language, he inquired how his friend had been doing. The
friend replied (vocally!), "Oh, you can that hand-waving shit. I
can talk now!"
Intrigued, the mute pressed him for details. It seems that he
had gone to a specialist, who, seeing no physical damage, had
put him on a treatment program that had restored the use of his
vocal chords. Gesturing wildly, the mute asked if he might meet
this specialist. They got an appointment that very afternoon.
After an exam, the specialist proclaimed that there was no
permanent damage, that the mute was essentially in the same
condition as his buddy, and that there was no reason why he
couldn't be helped as well.
"Yes, yes" signed the mute. "Let's have the first treatment
right now!"
"Very well," replies the specialist.
"Kindly go into the next room, drop your pants and lean over the
examining table. I'll be right in."
The mute does as instructed and the doctor sneaks in with a
broomstick, mallet, and jar of Vaseline. Greasing the broom
handle, he "sends it home" with a few deft swipes of the
mallet.
The mute jumps from the table, screaming,
"AAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaa!!!"
"VERY good," smiles the doctor.
"Next Tuesday, we start with 'B'" -
At an international medical convention three doctors talk during tea break.
The British doctor says, "Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a brain out of one man, put it in another and have him looking for work in six weeks."
The German doctor says,"That's nothing. We can take a brain out of one person, put it in another and have him preparing for war in four weeks."
The American doctor, not to be outdone, says, "You guys are way behind.
We took a man with no brain from Texas, put him in the Whitehouse, and now half the country is looking for work and the other half is preparing for war." -
What's the difference between a Train and Teacher?
A train says, "Chew, Chew!" and a Teacher says, "Spit the gum
out!"
***
Q: Why are fish in the sea smarter than animals on land.
A: Because they travel in schools.
***
Q: What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?
A: A stick! -
A man went to his doctor and said, "I want to be castrated."
"What?" said the doctor, "surely you don't want that."
"Yes," said the man, "that's what I want; I insist."
So, the doctor told him to check into the hospital. When he did
he was stripped, laid on a cart, wheeled into the operating
room, anaesthetized, and CHWOP! off they came. The next day, he
woke up in a double room and, wanting to be sociable, asked
the man in the next bed what he was in for.
"Oh, I was circumcised," the man said.
"Son of a bitch! That's the word I was looking for!" -
There were three men sitting on a bench. Man1 asked the other
two:
"What do you want your family and friends to say at your
funeral?".
Man2 says, "I guess I'd want them to say I was a nice guy and I
took care of my family".
Man3 says, "I'd want them to say things like that too".
Man1 said "Really? I'd want them to say... LOOK! HE'S
MOVING!". -
-
A married couple was invited to a Halloween party.
That night, as they were getting ready to go out, the wife said
she had developed a migraine headache and had to stay home. She
told her husband to go to the party without her. 'Don't let me
spoil a good time for you,' she said. After further discussion,
the husband put his costume on and went to the party. The wife
took some aspirin and went to bed.
After sleeping for a while, she woke feeling much better and
decided to go to the party and surprise her husband. As she was
getting ready, she thought to herself, 'I wonder what my husband
really does when I'm not around.'
She then got into a different costume, so her husband wouldn't
recognize her, and went to the party. Getting there, she stood
off to the side and watched. There was her husband dancing with
one girl after another and getting very physical with them.
She decided to see just how far he would go. She went up to him
and started dancing with him, got very close and whispered that
they should go outside. Going to one of the cars, they made
love. Prior to the midnight unmasking, she left and went home to
wait for her husband to return so she could confront him.
He arrived home about 1:00 a.m. and climbed into bed.
She sat up and asked 'Well, how was the party?'
He replied, 'It was no fun without you honey.'
She said, 'I don't believe you. I bet you had lots of fun!'
He replied, 'Really, Honey. When I got to the party, some of
the guys and I got bored and we went downstairs and played poker
all night.
But you know, that guy I loaned my costume to had one hell of a
great time!' -
> >TEACHER: How old were you on your last birthday?
> >STUDENT: Seven.
> >TEACHER: How old will you be on your next birthday?
> >STUDENT: Nine.
> >TEACHER: That's impossible.
> >STUDENT: No, it isn't, Teacher. I'm eight today.
> >----------------------------------------------------
> >SUBSTITUTE TEACHER: Are you chewing gum?
> >BILLY : No, I'm Billy Anderson.
> >----------------------------------------------------
> >TEACHER: Didn't you promise to behave?
> >STUDENT: Yes, Sir.
> >TEACHER: And didn't I promise to punish you if you didn't?
> >STUDENT: Yes, Sir, but since I broke my promise, I don't expect you to
> >keep yours.
> >----------------------------------------------------
> >TEACHER: Tommy, why do you always get so dirty?
> >TOMMY : Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
> >----------------------------------------------------
> >HAROLD : Teacher, would you punish me for something I didn't do?
> >TEACHER : Of course not.
> >HAROLD : Good, because I didn't do my homework.
> >----------------------------------------------------
> >TEACHER: I hope I didn't see you looking at Don's paper.
> >JOHN : I hope you didn't either.
> >----------------------------------------------------
> >GARY : I don't think I deserve a zero on this test.
> >TEACHER: I agree, but it's the lowest mark I can give you.
> >----------------------------------------------------
> >MOTHER : Why did you get such a low mark on that test?
> >JUNIOR : Because of absence.
> >MOTHER : You mean you were absent on the day of the test?
> >JUNIOR : No, but the kid who sits next to me was.
> >----------------------------------------------------
> >SILVIA : Dad, can you write in the dark?
> >FATHER : I think so. What do you want me to write?
> >SYLVIA : Your name on this report card.
> >----------------------------------------------------
> >TEACHER: Well, at least there's one thing I can say about your son.
> >FATHER : What's that?
> >TEACHER: With grades like these, he couldn't be cheating.
> >-----------------------------------------------
> >TEACHER: In this box, I have a 10-foot snake.
> >SAMMY : You can't fool me, Teacher... snakes don't have feet.
> >----------------------------------------------------
> >HYGIENE TEACHER: How can you prevent diseases caused by biting insects?
> >JOSE : Don't bite any.
> >----------------------------------------------------
> >TEACHER: Ellen, give me a sentence starting with "I".
> >ELLEN : I is...
> >TEACHER: No, Ellen. Always say, "I am."
> >ELLEN : All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
> >--------------------------------------------------
> >TEACHER: Max, use "defeat," "defense," and "detail" in a sentence.
> >MAX : The rabbit cut across the field, and defeat went over defense
> >before detail.
> >----------------------------------------------------
> >MOTHER : Why on earth did you swallow the money I gave you?
> >JUNIOR : You said it was my lunch money.
> >----------------------------------------------------
> >TEACHER: If you received $10 from 10 people, what would you get?
> >SASHA : A new bike.
> >----------------------------------------------------
> >TEACHER: If you had one dollar and you asked your father for another,
> >how many dollars would you have?
> >VINCENT: One dollar.
> >TEACHER: (sadly)You don't know your arithmetic.
> >VINCENT: (even more sadly)You don't know my father
> >----------------------------------------------------
> >TEACHER : If I had seven oranges in one hand and eight oranges in the
> >other, what would I have?
> >CLASS COMEDIAN: Big hands!
> >----------------------------------------------------
> >BOY : Isn't the principal a dummy!
> >GIRL: Say, do you know who I am?
> >BOY : No.
> >GIRL: I'm the principal's daughter.
> >BOY : And do you know who I am?
> >GIRL: No.
> >BOY : Thank goodness! -
Dong Xi Zai Na Li?
Mandarin version
------------------------
Bush: Dong xi zai na li? Kuai na chu lai !
Saddam: Wo bu zhi dao.
Bush: Fei hua, shao shuo, kuai na chu lai !
Saddam: Wo zhen de bu zhi dao.
Hokkien version
-----------------------
Bush: Mi kia ti ta lok? Ka kin gia chut lai !
Saddam: Wa mmm zai.
Bush: Mai kong ah ne chuay, kin gia chut lai !
Saddam: Wa jin a mmm zai.
Cantonese version
---------------------------
Bush: Di yeh sao hai bin toh? Fai ti kao chut lai !
Saddam: Ngoh mmm chi doh.
Bush: Fei wah xiu kong, kao chut lai !
Saddam: Ngoh zhen hai mmm chi doh.
Phua Choo Kang version
------------------------------------
Bush: Where is the thing ah? Take out ah !
Saddam: I donno.
Bush: Don pray pray ah, faster take out !
Saddam: I really donno lah. -
The guy wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table.
He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order. Everything spotless clean. And so's the rest of the house.
He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table "Honey, breakfast is on the stove. Love you." (????)
So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough, there is a hot breakfast & fresh newspaper waiting for him. His son is also at the table eating.
Father: "Son, what happened yesterday?"
Son: "Oh, the usual. You came home after 3 am, drunk and delirious. Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave mom a black eye."
Father: "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and the food is on the table?"
Son: "Oh that!? Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she
tried to take your pants off you said "Bitch! Leave me alone, I am married!" -
Mistaken priorities?
I had just finished visiting a friend in the hospital and stopped by a burger drive-through for lunch to eat on the way back to work. I ordered the #1 combo (burger, fry, coke) for $4.29.
She said "that'll be $4.83, please drive forward."
"$4.83? For a $4.29 meal? That's 54 cents tax!? That can't be right," my mind raced.
Tax is 8 cents on the dollar in Huntsville, Alabama and for 4 dollars that would be 32 cents plus 1/3 (29) of 8 cents would be 35 cents max.
I'd heard of window workers overcharging drive through customers and skimming the money for themselves. Someone did just that to me at a Hardees couple of years ago.
I didn't have my calculator watch (I lost it a while back) so I got a pen and paper and did the long division since there were 2 cars ahead of me. Let's see ... 483/429 ... over 12 percent tax!?
When I got to the window I handed her a 5 and said "what's the sales tax in Huntsville?"
She didn't know.
I said "$4.83 for a $4.29 meal is 12 percent tax. That can't be right. Can I talk to the manager?"
She gave me my change and called the manager. So the manager comes over. I ask what the sales tax is in Huntsville, and she says 8 percent. I say that I just paid $4.83 for a $4.29 meal and that's over 12 percent sales tax.
She got a funny look on her face and said that maybe the computer had rung it up wrong or had charged me for the biggie size (biggie upgrade was 35 cents - which would be 4.64 plus tax which would put it over $5). She admitted it was supposed to be 4.63, and opened the drawer to give me my extra change.
"HA!" I thought to myself. "Six years engineering school has so heightened my mental mathematical adeptness that I can do percentages in my head and my superior intellect has foiled a feeble attempt by a drive-through worker to overcharge me!"
So what did this mathematical wizard do next? I took the twenty cents she handed me, proud of my staggering genius, and smugly drove off without my food.
This is what a smart alec is like. -
You Know It's Your Last Day At Work When...
You hand a bank teller an envelope, and when she asks,
"What's this?"
You realize you just dropped the company's deposit in a mailbox.
A woman comes into the store, you turn to the other salesman and say, "I waited on the last fat ugly old lady. This one's yours."
Your boss is standing behind you. It is his wife.
While your boss is at lunch, you sneak in and look at some confidential information on his computer. You spill coffee on the keyboard. It shorts out.
You return from a week's leave to find that you had scheduled *this* week as leave, not last week. (Just means you get to take two weeks leave, right?)
You take a "sick" day. The next morning the boss asks you, "So, how was the sales at Isetan yesterday?" -
I was in the kitchen one day, trying to reach the baking powder on the top shelf of a cabinet. Being only five feet tall, I had to stretch, but still couldn't grab the box. Fortunately, I have two six-foot-tall sons whom I often call to come to my rescue.
"Hey, Brian!" I yelled to my second son, who was in the living room. "Will you get your tallness in here and get this for me?"
"Sure, Mom," he remarked as he bounded into the kitchen. "But next time, I'd prefer the title 'Your Highness.'"
