Darn Crazy Kids
A young punk gets on a bus and sits down in directly across from an old man. The young punk has spiked green, purple and orange hair. His clothing is a tattered mix of leather rags. His entire face and body are covered with piercings and his earrings are big, bright red, yellow and green feathers. The old man stares at the young punk as the bus travels across the city. Finally, the punk looks across at the old man, and yells,
"What are you looking at, old man! Didn't you do anything wild when you were young?"
Without missing a beat, the old man replies,
"Yeah. Back when I was very young and in the Navy, I got really drunk in Africa and had sex with a parrot... I thought you might be my son."
Three guys are bragging about the size of their families.
"I have four boys and my wife is expecting another. One more son and I'll have a basketball team!" said A.
"That's nothing!'' said B. ''I have ten boys now, and my wife is pregnant with another child. One more son and I'll have a football team!"
"You both should be ashamed of yourselves!'' said C. ''I have seventeen wives. One more and I'll have a golf course!"
For those dying to try bungee jumping in the near future.
What do a bungee jump and a hooker have in common?
They're both cheap, fast, and if the rubber breaks, you're dead.
A couple had been married 10 years. One afternoon, they were working in the garden together. As the wife was bending over pulling weeds, the husband said,
''Hey honey, you're getting fat. Your butt is huge. I'll bet it's as wide as the gas grill.''
Feeling the need to prove his point, he got out a yard stick and measured the grill, then his wife's butt.
''Yep,'' he said,'' just what I thought, just about the same size.''
The wife became incensed and left him gardening alone. She went inside the house and didn't speak to him for the rest of the day.
When they retired to bed that evening, the husband cuddled up to his wife and said,
''How about it, honey? How about a little lovemaking?''
The wife turned her back to him, giving him the cold shoulder.
''What's the matter?'' he asked.
''You don't think I'm going to fire up this big ass grill for one little wenier, do you?"
From a strictly mathematical viewpoint, it goes like this:
What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? HereÂ’s a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:
What does it take to achieve 100% in life? LetÂ’s do the math...
If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26
Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
and
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
But,
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
And,
B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
BUT, look how far ass kissing will take you.
A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%
So, one can then conclude, with mathematical certainty, that while Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, it takes the Attitude to get you there; but if your boss wants more... Bullshit and Ass Kissing will put you over the top!
How cheap can one get?
A man realized he needed to purchase a hearing aid, but he felt unwilling to spend much money.
"How much do they run?" he asked the clerk.
"That depends," said the salesman. "They run from $2.00 to $2,000."
"Let's see the $2.00 model," he said.
The clerk put the device around the man's neck.
"You just stick this button in your ear and run this little string down to your pocket," he instructed.
"How does it work?" the customer asked.
"For $2.00 it doesn't work," the salesman replied. "But when people see it on you, they'll talk louder!"
What, why, when, where & How?
How come wrong numbers are never busy?
Do people in Australia call the rest of the world "up over"?
Does that screwdriver belong to Philip?
Can a stupid person be a smart-ass?
Does killing time damage eternity?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?
Why is it that night falls but day breaks?
Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?
Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Are part-time bandleaders semi-conductors?
Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop?
Daylight savings time - why are they saving it and where do they keep it?
Did Noah keep his bees in archives?
Do jellyfish get gas from eating jellybeans?
Do pilots take crash-courses?
Do stars clean themselves with meteor showers?
Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter? [NOTE: Geo. Washington's picture is on a quarter]
Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
Have you ever seen a toad on a toadstool?
How can there be self-help "groups"?
How do you get off a non-stop flight?
How do you write zero in Roman numerals?
How many weeks are there in a light year?
If a jogger runs at the speed of sound, can he still hear his Walkman?
If athletes get athlete's foot, do astronauts get mistletoe?
If Barbie's so popular, why do you have to buy all her friends?
If blind people wear dark glasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs?
If cats and dogs didn't have fur would we still pet them?
If peanut butter cookies are made from peanut butter, then what are Girl Scout cookies made out of?
If space is a vacuum, who changes the bags?
If swimming is good for your shape, then why do the whales look the way they do?
If tin whistles are made out of tin, what do they make fog horns out of?
If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?
If you can't drink and drive, why do bars have parking lots?
If you jog backwards, will you gain weight?
If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
Why do the signs that say "Slow Children" have a picture of a running child?
Why do they call it "chili" if it's hot?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
How Men And Dogs Are Alike
Both take up too much space on the bed.
Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaners.
Both are threatened by their own kind.
Both mark their territory.
Both are suspicious of the postman.
Both are bad at asking you questions.
Both pass gas shamelessly.
Both like dominance games.
Both tend to smell riper with age.
Neither of them tells you what's bothering them.
Neither of them does dishes.
Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut.
Neither knows how to talk on the telephone.
Neither understands what you see in cats.
The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.