anybody got jokes???
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boy from France comes to America. He wants to learn some new words so he goes to the airport and learns "take off." Then he learns "zebra" from the zoo and "baby" from the hospital. Then he goes home and says, "Mommy, I learned new words today." She says, "Great, honey what did you learn?" He says, "Takeoffzebrababy! (Take off the bra baby)"
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A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman "Give me six double vodkas."
The barman says "Wow!, you must have had one hell of a day."
"Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay."
The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today, the answer came back, "I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!"
On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas.
The bartender says "Geez! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?".
"Yeah, my wife." -
Try this one. Can you say this in simple English:
A research team proceeded towards the apex of a natural geologic
protuberance, the purpose of their expedition being the procurement of
a sample of fluid hydride of oxygen in a large vessel, the exact size
of which was unspecified. One member of the team precipitously
descended, sustaining severe damage to the upper cranial portion of
his anatomical structure; subsequently the second member of the team
performed a self rotational translation oriented in the same direction
taken by the first team member.
In simple English what does this translate to??
Scroll down for answer:.......
Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water;
Jack fell down and broke his crown and Jill came tumbling after -
A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment.
Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position.
The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, and held up a handwritten sign that said, "WHERE AM I?" in large letters.
People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window.
Their sign said, "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER." The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely.
After they were on the ground, the copilot asked the pilot how he had done it.
"I knew it had to be the Microsoft Building, because they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer." -
Horny Rooster
A farmer needs a rooster, so he went to the market. He saw one rooster banging around the cage, so he asked the seller: "Is this rooster good?" Seller answered: "Of course! But I don't think you will be able to tame him." Farmer said: "Don't worry about that, just sell it to me and I will have a way to deal with it."
He brought the rooster home and released it in his farm. The rooster went straight into the chickens pen and start banging all the chickens it can find. Farmer warned the rooster: "If you don't cool yourself down, you are going to tired yourself out." The rooster ignored the farmer and went all over the farm banging every living creature it could get itself to. The farmer just leaves the rooster and went to sleep.
Next morning, the farmer saw the rooster laying half dead in the middle of the field. He walks over and started laughing: "See what I've told you? You just wouldn't listen, now you know what is suffering." Rooster stare at the farmer for a while and said: "Don't come and disturb me now, I am trying to get the eagles to come down."
Fruits Feast
Cannibals captured three men who were lost in the forest. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.
The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples." The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten."
The first apple went in. But on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed.
The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.
The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" The second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples."
Rubber Things
A young girl's car broke down in front of a farm in a stormy night; she got no choice but to take shelter at the farm for the night. The farmer was unwilling at first, but only agree to it at one condition: "Both my sons are at their young and innocent age right now, I will only agree to let you stay for the night only if you promise that you will not sneak into their room in the middle of the night." The girl agrees to the condition and stay for the night.
She can't help but to sneak into the farmer sons' room in the middle of the night. She told the two young man: "I am going to give you two the best time of your life, but I don't want to be pregnant, so you two will have to wear these rubber things.
Fifty years later, the two brothers were sitting in front of the farm.
"Do you still remember the girl who came into our room on a stormy night fifty year ago?"
"Sure do! I really had the best time of my life."
"Do you care if she really get pregnant now?"
"No, why do you ask?"
"Do you think it's about time we remove that rubber thing?"
Mathematical Problems
A professor wrote a book proving that the entire blondes are stupid, so the blondes wanted to prove him wrong. They gathered at a stadium and elected the smartest of them all to face the questions given by the professor.
Professor asked: "What is square root of 16?" Blonde answered: "5!" Professor replied: "Wrong!" The whole stadium went into an uproar: "Give her another chance! Give her another chance!"
Professor asked: "What 2 x 2?" Blonde answered: "3!" Professor replied: "Wrong!" The whole stadium went into an uproar: "Give her another chance! Give her another chance!"
Professor asked: "What is 2 + 2?" Blonde answered: "4!" Professor was surprised. There was a complete silence for a while, then whole stadium went into an uproar: "Give her another chance! Give her another chance!"
Breast Stroke
A blonde, a brunette and a red head took part in a swimming competition, they have to swim across the English Channel using breaststroke. The brunette came in first, then the red head, but the judges wait for very long still no sign of the blonde. After a few hours later, the blonde finally arrived looking very tired. She went straight to the judges and said: "I want to complain about the other two competitors, we were suppose to swim breaststroke, but I swear I saw them using their hands and legs."
Monkey Bar
An old man brought his pet monkey to a bar, he went and sit down at the bar counter and let the monkey loose. The monkey run to the pool table, grab the white ball and swallows it. The bartender was so angry that he chases the old man and his monkey out of the bar.
A week later, the old man came back with the monkey. The bartender give the monkey a bowl of peanuts to keep it occupied so that it would not create problem in his bar again. But after a while he can't help but to asks the old man: "I seem to notice that your monkey is doing some disgusting thing, why do he had to put every peanut into his ass hole first before he eat it?" The old man answered: "You remember the white ball he swallow last week? He got a hard time shitting it out, so now he will measure everything before he eat it."
Stock Exchange
A shop owner employed a new shopkeeper. One day, when the shop owner was not around, a customer came by looking for a bottle of kerosene. The shopkeeper went into the store and search, came back and said: "Sorry, sir. We just run out of kerosene this morning." The customer left.
After the shop owner came back, the shopkeeper informs him about the incident. The shop owner was angry: "Why you never recommend something similar like the paint thinner? We still got a lot of paint thinner in our store."
Another day, when the shop owner was not around, a customer came by looking for a roll of toilet paper. The shopkeeper went into the store and search, came back and said: "Sorry, sir. We just run out of toilet paper this morning, would you like to get some sand paper instead?"
Duck Tales
A duck went into a provision store and asked: "Do you have any grapes?" The shopkeeper answer: "No, we don't sell grapes here."
The next day, the duck came back again and asked: "Do you have any grapes?" The shopkeeper answer: "No, we don't sell grapes here. How many times do I have to tell you? If you come and bother me again, I am going to nail your feet to the ground."
The next day, the duck came back again and asked: "Do you have any nails?" The shopkeeper was surprised; he went into the store and search. He came back after a while and said: "I am sorry, sir. We happen to run out of nails this morning." The duck said: " Then do you happen to have any grapes?"
Sins Meter
A guy went to hell after his death; he was taken for his orientation tour on his first day in hell. He can't help but to notice that there are a lot of gauges turning at different speed on the wall of various corridors. He asked the Satan about it and found out that it was a device call sins meter, the more sins a person commit, the faster the gauges will turn.
"Which one happen to be mine?" he asked.
"Oh! I am using it as a cooling fan now."
Pretty Woman
A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, tells him she'll see him later, then walks away.
His wife glares at him and says, "Who was that?" "Oh," replies the husband, "That was my mistress."
The wife says, "That's it ;I want a divorce."
"I understand," replies the husband, "but, remember, if you get a divorce, there will be no more shopping trips to Paris, no wintering in the Caribbean, no Lexus in the garage, and no more country club. But the decision is yours."
Just then the wife notices a mutual friend entering the restaurant with a gorgeous woman. "Who's that woman with Jim?" she asks. "That's his mistress," replies her husband.
"Ours is prettier," says the wife.
International Call
A blonde goes into a worldwide message center to send a message to her mother in Poland. When the man tells her that it will cost her $300, she exclaims, "I don't have any money but I'll do anything to get a message to my mother in Poland!"
To that the man asks, "Anything?"
And the blonde says, "Yes, Anything!"
With that the man says, "Follow me!"
He walks into the next room and tells her, "Come in and close the door."
She does this and then he says, "Get on your knees."
She does. He then says, "Take down my zipper."
She does. Then he says, "Go ahead, and take it out."
With that, she takes it out and holds it with both hands. And then the man says somewhat impatiently, "Well, go ahead!"
She then brings her mouth closer to it, and while holding it very closely to her lips, she says, "Hello, mom?"
Viagra Overdose
A woman complained to her doctor that her husband never wanted sex anymore. He gave her a bottle of pills, telling her to put them in the husband's drink and her husband would be recharged.
The woman was filled with doubt, but she put one pill in his coffee that evening. That night they made out. The next morning, she put two in his coffee, and that night the sex was ecstatic. The next day, she said, "What the hell!" and dumped the entire bottle in the husband's coffee.
Sometime later, the doctor called to check on his patient's progress. The woman's son answered the phone. When the doctor asked how everyone was doing, the boy replied, "Mom's dead, Sis left home, the maid's pregnant, my ass hurts, and Dad is buck naked on the front lawn yelling, "Here, kitty, kitty.'"
Vaseline Biker
A young man has always dreamed on owning a Harley Davidson. One day he has finally saved up enough money so he goes down to the dealer. After picking out the perfect bike the dealer warns him that if he leaves his Harley in the rain the chrome has a tendency to rust. He tells the young man an old biker's trick is to keep a jar of Vaseline handy and smear it on the chrome if the bike must be left out in the rain.
A few months later the young man meets a woman and falls in love. She asks him to come home and meet her parents over dinner. He readily agrees and the date is set. At the appointed time he picks her up on his Harley and they ride to her parents house. Before they go in she tells him that they have a family tradition that whoever speaks first after dinner must do the dishes.
After a delicious dinner everyone sits in silence waiting for the first person to break and get stuck doing the dishes. After a long fifteen minutes the young man decides to speed things up so he reaches over and kisses the woman in front of her family.
And no one says a word...! Next he decides to take a more direct approach so he throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of everyone. And still no one says a word! Now he is getting desperate, so he grabs her mother and throws her on the table. They have even wilder sex. But no one says a word!
By now he is getting very worried and is wondering what to do next when he hears thunder in the distance. His first thought is to protect the chrome on his Harley, so he reaches in his pocket and pulls out the Vaseline. And the father says, "Okay damn it, I'll do the dishes.
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A policeman was interviewing three blondes who wanted to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he showed the first blonde a picture for five seconds and then hid it. "This is your suspect. How would you recognize him?"
The first blonde answered, "That's easy! We'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"
The policeman said, "Well, that's because the picture shows his profile."
Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashed the picture at the second blonde and said, "This is your suspect. How would you recognize him?"
The second blonde giggled, flipped her hair and said, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!"
The policeman angrily replied, "What's the matter with you two? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing, because this is a picture of his profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?"
Extremely frustrated at this point, he showed the picture to the third blonde and said, in a very testy voice, "This is your suspect. How would you recognize him?" He quickly added, "And think hard before answering, so you don't say something completely idiotic."
The blonde looked at the picture intently for a moment and said, "Hmm... The suspect wears contact lenses."
The policeman was stunned speechless, because he honestly didn't know whether the suspect wore contacts or not. "Well, that's an interesting answer. Wait here for a few minutes while I check his file, and I'll get back to you on that." He left the room and went to his office, checked the suspect's file in his computer, and came back beaming. "Wow!" he said, "I can't believe it. It's TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! But how were you able to make such an astute observation?"
"That's easy," the blonde replied. "He can't wear regular glasses, because he only has one eye and one ear." -
Forest gump went to heaven and st peters met him at the perligates. then st peters told him that if he was able to answer three questions he would be allowed to enter heaven. the he proceeded with the questions:
1) which two days of the week begin with the letter T?
2) how many seconds are there in a year?
3)what is the name of GOD?
st peters:"you don have to give me the answers now. i will send you back to earth and you can give me the answers tomorrow."
forest gump:"well okay. if you say so."
the next day he went to heaven and was awaiting the st.
sp:"you are early."
fg:"yes and i have thought of the answers."
fg:"regarding the first question, the two days are Today and Tomorrow."
sp:"well maybe i didn't phrase my question well enough. alright it sounds logical enough. pass."
fg:regarding the 2nd question there are 12 "seconds" in a year."
sp:"Huh how come?"
fg:"well simply because there is jan 2nd feb 2nd march 2nd etc....
all together 12 2nd's in a year."
sp:"well maybe i didn't phrase it well enough again sounds logical too. pass."
fg:"regarding the third question i know what GOD's name is. this one cannot go wrong. my mum used to teach me the lord's prayer and it goes like this Our Father which art in heaven HOWARD is your name -
After dying in a car crash, three friends go to Heaven for orientation. They are all asked the same question, "When you're lying in your casket, and friends and family are mourning over you, what would you like to hear them say about you?" The first guy immediately responds, "I would like to hear them say that I was one of the great doctors of my time, and a great family man."
The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in the children of tomorrow." The last guy thinks for a moment, and then replies, "I guess I'd like to hear them say, 'Look, he's moving!'"
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Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked a young Engineer fresh out of Texas A&M, "And what starting salary were you looking for?" The Engineer said, "In the neighbourhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5 weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, a company matching retirement fund for 50% of your salary, and a company car leased every 2 years -- say, a red Corvette?" The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?" And the interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."
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When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker's circuit, he usually found himself eagerly longing to get back to his laboratory work. One night as they were driving to yet another rubber-chicken dinner, Einstein mentioned to his chauffeur (a man who somewhat resembled Einstein in looks & manner) that he was tired of speechmaking.
"I have an idea, boss," his chauffeur said. "I've heard you give this speech so many times. I'll bet I could give it for you." Einstein laughed loudly and said, "Why not? Let's do it!" When they arrive at the dinner, Einstein donned the chauffeur's cap and jacket and sat in the back of the room. The chauffeur gave a beautiful rendition of Einstein's speech and even answered a few questions expertly.
Then a supremely pompous professor asked an extremely esoteric question about anti-matter formation, digressing here and there to let everyone in the audience know that he was nobody's fool. Without missing a beat, the chauffeur fixed the professor with a steely stare and said, "Sir, the answer to that question is so simple that I will let my chauffeur, who is sitting in the back, answer it for me."
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A man was speeding down the highway, feeling secure in a gaggle of cars all traveling at the same speed. However, as they passed a speed trap, he got nailed with an infrared speed detector and was pulled over.
The officer handed the man a citation, and then as he turned to walk back to his cruiser, the man asked, "Officer, I know I was speeding, but I don't think it's fair. There were plenty of other cars around me going just as fast, so why did I get the ticket?"
"Ever go fishing?" the policeman asked the man.
"Um, yeah... so," the startled man replied.
The officer grinned and added, "Ever catch ALL the fish?"
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Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, the pretty girl said, "I would like to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?" "Only one kiss per yard," replied the male clerk with a smirk. "That's fine," said the girl. "I'll take ten yards." With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk quickly measured out the cloth, wrapped it up, then teasingly held it out.
The girl snapped up the package, pointed to the old geezer standing beside her, and smiled, "Grandpa will pay the bill."
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Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor, and a young trainee, were out checking meters in a suburban neighbourhood. They parked their truck at the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end. At the last house, a woman watched the two men from her kitchen window as they checked her gas meter.
When they had finished the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger co-worker to a foot race back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one. The co-worker accepted the challenge. As they approached the truck in full stride, the two men realized that the lady from the kitchen window was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped in their tracks and asked the woman why she was running behind them.
Gasping for breath, she replied, "I'm not stupid... when I see two gas men running that fast, I figure I'd better run too!"
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A man is driving with his wife at his side and his mother-in-law in the back seat. And the women just won't leave the poor guy alone. His mother-in-law says, "You're driving too fast!" His wife says, "Stay to the left!" After several more orders from both of them the man breaks down and barks at his wife, "Who's driving this car - you
or your mother?"
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An inmate on death row was scheduled to be put to death by firing squad the following morning. One of the prison guards asked the inmate if he wanted something special for his last meal. The inmate declined the offer. Later, the prison guard asked the inmate if there was something special he wanted to do on his final day. Again, the inmate declined the offer. The following morning, as he inmate was being put before the firing squad, the guard asked him if he wanted a cigarette and a blindfold. "No," the inmate said, "just get it over with."
"Well, is there anything that I can do for you before you go?" asked the guard. The inmate thought for a moment, then replied, "Actually, music is my life. One thing I would really like would be to sing my favorite song, from beginning to end, without any interruptions." The guard nodded and agreed. "Go ahead," said the guard. The inmate started, "One billion bottles of beer on the wall..."
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A young man was forced to take a day off from work to appear for a minor traffic summons. He grew increasingly restless as he waited hour after endless hour for his case to be heard. When his name was called late in the afternoon, he stood before the judge, only to hear that court would be adjourned for the rest of the afternoon and that he would have to return the next day.
"What for!" he snapped at the judge. His honor, equally irked by a tedious day and sharp query, roared out loud, "Twenty dollars for contempt of court! That's why!" As the young man reached for his wallet, the judge relented, "That's all right. You don't have to pay now." The young man replied, "I know. I'm just checking to see if I have enough for two more words."
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A resident in a posh hotel breakfast room called over the head waiter one morning and read from the menu. "I'd like one under-cooked egg so that it's runny, and one over-cooked egg so that it's tough and hard to eat. I'd also like grilled bacon which is a bit on the cold side, burnt toast, butter straight from the freezer so that it's impossible to spread, and a pot of very weak, lukewarm coffee." "That's a complicated order sir," said the bewildered waiter. "It might be quite difficult." The guest replied sarcastically, "It can't be that difficult because that's exactly what you brought me yesterday!"
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A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job. The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas." Well, the boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many sales did you make today?" The kid says, "One." The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?" The kid says, "$101,237.64." The boss says, "$101,237.64? What the hell did you sell?"
Kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4X4 Blazer."
The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck?" Kid says, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, 'Well, your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing.'"
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Bert took his Saint Bernard to the vet. "Doctor," he said sadly, "I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to cut off my dog's tail." The vet stepped back, "Bert, why should I do such a terrible thing?" "Because my mother-in-law's arriving tomorrow, and I don't want anything to make her think she's welcome."
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Two friends were standing in a bank when a pair of robbers entered. Not only did the thieves clean out the tills, but they walked around with bags and ordered everyone to throw their valuables in. Just as the robbers got to the pair, one of the friends turned to the other and, passing him a bill, said, "By the way, Joe, here's that twenty bucks I owe you."
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A young businessman had just started his own firm. He'd rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques. Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear busy, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally, he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?" The man said, "Sure. I've come to install the phone!"
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Two buddies Bob and Earl were two of the biggest baseball fans in America. Their entire adult lives, Bob and Earl discussed baseball history in the winter, and they pored over every box score during the season. They went to 60 games a year. They even agreed that whoever died first would try to come back and tell the other if there was baseball in heaven.
One summer night, Bob passed away in his sleep after watching the Yankee victory earlier in the evening. He
died happy. A few nights later, his buddy Earl awoke to the sound of Bob's voice from beyond. "Bob is that you?" Earl asked. "Of course it me," Bob replied.
"This is unbelievable!" Earl exclaimed. "So tell me, is there baseball in heaven?"
"Well I have some good news and some bad news for you. Which do you want to hear first?"
Earl excitedly replies, "Tell me the good news first."
"Well, the good news is that yes there is baseball in heaven, Earl."
"Oh, that is wonderful! So what could possibly be the bad news?"
"You're pitching tomorrow night."
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A lady lost her handbag during a day of shopping. It was found by an honest little boy and returned to her. Looking in her purse, she commented, "Hmmm.... That's funny. When I lost my bag there was a $20 bill in it. Now there are twenty singles." The boy quickly replied, "That's right, lady. The last time I found a lady's purse, she didn't have change for a reward."
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Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbour peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Tim?" "My goldfish died," replied Tim tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him." The neighbour was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?" Tim patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your cat."
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Two guys in a car drive right through the red light. "Man, you just ran that red light!" exclaimed the passenger. "Don't worry, my brother does it all the time," said the driver. They continue driving through town and then proceed to drive through another stop light.
"You just ran another stop light! You're going to get us killed!" screamed the nervous passenger. "Don't worry, my brother does it all the time," repeated the driver. Moments later, they approached a green light and they came to a halting stop. "Why are you stopping?" asked the anxious passenger. The driver turned and said, "Because my brother might be coming!"
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A rookie Police Officer was assigned to ride in a cruiser with a more experienced partner. A call came over the car's radio telling them to disperse some people in town who were loitering. The officers drove to the street and immediately observed a small crowd standing on one corner. The rookie rolled down his window and said, "Let's get off the corner." No one moved, so he barked again, "Let's get off the corner now!" Intimidated, the group of people began to leave, casting puzzled glances in his direction. Proud of his first official act, the young policeman turned to his partner and asked, "Well, how did I do?" Pretty good, "replied the veteran, "considering this is a bus stop."
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I was on vacation, playing the slot machines. It was my first time in a casino, and I wasn't sure how the machines operated. "Excuse me." I said to a casino employee. "How does this work?" The worker showed me how to insert a bill, hit the spin button, and operate the release handle. "And where does the money come out?" I asked. He smiled and motioned to a far wall before saying, "Usually at the ATM."
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A guy walks into a gas station and buys a pack of cigarettes. He pulls one out and starts smoking it. The cashier says, "Excuse me sir, but you can't smoke in here." The guy says, "Don't you think it's kinda dumb that I buy them here but can't smoke them here?" And the cashier replies, "Not at all...we also sell condoms here."
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When I went to get my driver's license renewed, our local motor-vehicle bureau was packed. The line inched along for almost an hour until the man ahead of me finally got his license. He inspected his photo for a moment and commented to the clerk, "I was standing in line so long, I ended up looking pretty grouchy in this picture."
The woman beside him peered over his shoulder, then reassured him, "It's okay. That's how you're going to look when the cops pull you over, anyway."
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"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbours would think if I mowed the lawn like this?" "Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.
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A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her. Suddenly, she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back. "Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says. They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap... and stay for breakfast. The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed!! Everything had been SO incredible!!!! "You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?". "No," she replies, "You just happened to catch my eye."
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A couple with three children waited in line at San Francisco's Pier 41 to purchase tickets for a boat trip to Alcatraz. Others watched with varying degrees of sympathy and irritation as the young children fidgeted, whined, and punched one another. The frazzled parents reprimanded them to no avail. Finally they reached the ticket window. "Five tickets, please," the father said. "Two round trip, three one way."
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A lady's picking through the frozen turkeys and says to a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" He says, "No, ma'am, they're dead."
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A young college student had stayed up all night studying for his zoology test the next day. As he entered the classroom, he saw ten stands with ten birds on them with a sack over each bird and only the legs showing. He sat right on the front row because he wanted to do the best job possible.
The professor announced that the test would be to look at each of the birds' legs and give the common name, habitat, genus, species, etc. The student looked at each of the birds' legs. They all looked the same to him. He began to get upset. He had stayed up all night studying and now had to identify birds by their legs. The more he thought about it the madder he got.
Finally, he could stand it no longer. He went up to the professor's desk and said, "What a stupid test! How could anyone tell the difference between birds by looking at their legs?" With that the student threw his test on the professor's desk and walked to the door. The professor was surprised. The class was so big that he didn't know every student's name, so as the student reached the door the professor called, "Mister, what's your name!"
The enraged student pulled up his pants legs and said, "You guess, buddy! You guess!"
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The shipwrecked mariner had spent several years on a deserted island. Then one morning he was thrilled to see a ship offshore and a smaller vessel pulling out toward him. When the boat grounded on the beach, the officer in charge handed the marooned sailor a bundle of newspapers and told him, "The captain said to read through these and let us know if you still want to be rescued." -
Frank and John are 2 privates who just got promoted to become sergeants.
One day, Frank and John are passing by a bar. Frank wanted to enter but John stopped him. John said, "Privates are not allowed to enter." Frank replied, "Dont' worry. We are sergeants now."
And so they enter the bar.
In the bar, Frank wanted to get a drink. Again, he was stopped by John who said, "Privates are not allowed to drink in this bar." "Don't worry. We are sergeants now," replied Frank.
And so they drank.
After an hour, a hot blonde walked by. Frank was attracted to her, so he approached her and talked. She told Frank, "We can spend the night together, but I have to warn you first. I have a serious case of syphilis."
Frank doesn't know what is syphilis, so he ordered John to go to the car and check out the meaning of the word in the dictionary. He told John to give him the thumbs up if it's nothing.
John went to the car and after a while gave Frank the thumbs up. Thus, Frank spent the night having passionate sex with the blonde.
Three weeks later, Frank is admitted to the hospital. John went to see him and Frank asked, "Why did you give me a thumbs up when you know it's a disease?"
John replied, "The dictionary said that it's a disease that infects the privates. We are sergeants now." -
Wife: You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?
Hubby: When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.
Wife: You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?
Hubby: Yes, I see your picture and say to myself,
"What other problem can there be greater than this one?" -
How to sleep in class without gettin gcaught
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Son: Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.
Mom: Well, you have done the right thing.
Son: But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap. -
There was this little boy who was at his house while his family members where doing some other stuff. He figures he wants to go to play with his sister. He goes to her room to see her and her boyfriend "getting it on". They were calling each other hello kittyes and bastards. So he asked what does it mean, he sister tells him it meant ladies and gentlemen. So, he goes to look for his mom and found her putting on makeup. He shouted "MOM!". He scared her and caused her to mess up her lipstick. She said sunshine. He ask, "what does sunshine mean?" She replies "it means makeup". Then he goes to his dad to find him rawing a chicken. He pushes him and causes him to cut himself. He screams "F*ck". He asked his dad, "what does f*ck mean?" He said, "I means to raw". The door bell rings and he answers it. It was his relatives coming for dinner. So he greeted them "Welcome hello bi tches and bastar ds, my mom is putting sh it on her face and my dad is f* cking the chicken!"
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Three Texas surgeons were playing golf together
and discussing surgeries they had performed.
One of them said, "I'm the best surgeon in Texas.
A concert pianist lost 7 fingers in an accident, I
reattached them, and 8 months later he performed
a private concert for the Queen of England."
One of the others said. "That's nothing. A young
man lost both arms and legs in an accident, I
reattached them, and 2 years later he won a gold
medal in field events in the Olympics."
The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs.
Several years ago a cowboy who was high on
cocaine and alcohol rode a horse head-on into
a train traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left
to work with was the horse's ass and a cowboy -
There was a man with three sons and three ducks.. he gave each son a duck and told them to go sell it... and bring back what they got...
SO OFF THEY GO.. TO SELL THEIR DUCKS..
The first one goes out and sells his for 5 dollars
The second one goes out and sells his for 10 dollars
The last one goes out and gets screwed for it.. after they finish "doing" it.. she says wow.. you are a pretty good DO-ER?.. how bout we do it again and you get your duck back.. SO DEAL!! and on the way home he accidently drops the duck in the road and a car runs over it.. the woman in the car gets out and says im sorry for runnin over your duck.. heres fifteen dollars..
when they get back.. their dad asks.. how much did you get?
The first son replies i got 5 dollars
The second son answers i got 10 dollars for mine
..and the last one says i got a fcuk for a duck, a duck for a fcuk, and fifteen dollars for a fcukd up duck.. -
Wife to husband: "What's your excuse for coming home at this time of the night?"
Husband to wife: "Golfing with friends, my dear."
Wife to husband: "What? At 2 am?!"
Husband to wife: "Yes, We used night clubs." -
Jesus Vs. Satan
Jesus and Satan were having an argument about who was better on
the computer. They had been going at it for days, and God
was tired of hearing all the bickering.
Finally, God said, "Cool it. I'm going to set up a test that will
take two hours and I'll judge who does the better job."
So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and worked away.
They did spreadsheets.
They wrote reports.
They sent faxes.
They sent e-mail.
They sent out e-mail with attachments.
They downloaded.
They did some genealogy reports.
They made cards.
They did every known job. But, ten minutes before the
time was up,
lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder
rolled, the rain poured, and, of course, the electricity went off.
Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every
curse word known in the underworld. Jesus just sighed.
The electricity finally flickered back on, and ea ch of them
restarted their computers. Satan started searching frantically
screaming, "It's gone! It's all gone!
I lost everything when the power went out!"
Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all His files from
the past two hours. Satan observed this and became even more
irate. "Wait! He cheated! How did You do it??!!"
God shrugged and said, "Jesus saves." -
A newly married man asked his wife, "Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?"
"Honey," the woman replied sweetly, "I'd have married you NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE" -
Father to son after exam: "let me see your report card."
Son: "My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents." -
"How was your blind date?" a college student asked
her roommate.
"Terrible!" the roommate answered.
"He showed up in his 1932 Rolls Royce."
Wow! That's a very expensive car. What's so bad about that?"
"He was the original owner." -
A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife turning
back and forth, looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was
not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her Birthday. I'd like
to be six again, she replied, still looking in the mirror. On the morning
of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms,
and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day! He put her on
every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming
Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was. Five hours later they
staggered
out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside
down. He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal
with extra fries and a chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie,
popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's . What a fabulous
adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed
exhausted. He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly
asked, "Well Dear, what was it like being six again?" Her eyes slowly opened
and her expression suddenly changed. "I meant my dress size, you dumb
butt!"
The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get
it wrong. -
A teacher asked her class for sentences using the word "beans"..
"My father grows beans," said one student.
"My father cooks beans," said another.
Then little Johnny spoke up: "We are all human beans." -
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a
whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".
The teacher asked, " What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him". -
Interviewer to Millionaire: To whom do you owe your success as a millionaire?"
Millionaire: "I owe everything to my wife."
Interviewer: "Wow, she must be some woman. What were you before you married her?"
Millionaire: "A Billionaire" -
Defense Attorney: "What's your age?"
Little Old Woman: "I am 86 years old."
Defense Attorney: "Will you tell us in your own
words, what happened to you?"
Little Old Woman: "I was sitting there in my swing
on the porch, when a young man came creeping
up on the porch and sat beside me."
Defense Attorney: "Did you know him?"
Little Old Woman: "No, but he sure was friendly."
Defense Attorney: "What happened after he sat
next to you?"
Little Old Woman: "He started to rub my thigh."
Defense Attorney: "Did you stop him?"
Little Old Woman: "No."
Defense attorney: "Why not?"
Little Old Woman: "It felt good. Nobody had
touched me that way since my Abner passed
away some 30 years ago."
Defense Attorney: "What happened next?"
Little Old Woman: "He rubbed my breasts."
Defense attorney: "Did you stop him then?"
Little Old Woman: "No, I did not."
Defense attorney: "Why not?"
Little Old Woman: "Why, your honor, his rubbing
made me feel alive and excited. I haven't felt that
good in years."
Defense Attorney: "What happened next?"
Little Old Woman: "I was feeling so spicy, I just
spread my old legs and said 'take me young man,
take me.'"
Defense attorney: "Did he take you?"
Little Old Woman: "Hell no, that's when he
yelled 'April Fools!' and that's when I shot the son
of a b****!!!"