True story, I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else. One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me." I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car. My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.
"The moral of this story is:"
"Always keep your condoms in your car."
Three guys, a Canadian, Osama Bin Laden, and Uncle Sam, were out walking together one day. They came across a lantern, and a Genie popped out of it. "I will give each of you one wish -- that's three wishes total," said the Genie. The Canadian responded with, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada." With a blink of the Genie's eye, "POOF," the land in Canada was forever made fertile for farming. Osama Bin Laden was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Afghanistan so high that no infidels, Jews, or Americans, can come into our precious state." Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye, "POOF," there was a huge wall around Afghanistan. Uncle Sam (a former civil engineer) asked, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall." The Genie explained, "Well, it's about 15,000 feet high, 500 feet thick, and completely surrounds the country; nothing can get in or out -- virtually impenetrable." Uncle Sam then made his wish: "Fill it with water."
A woman walks up to an old man sitting in a chair on his porch. "I couldn't help but notice how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long, happy life?" "I smoke three packs a day, drink a case of beer, eat fatty foods, and never, ever exercise," he replied. "Wow, that's amazing," she said, "How old are you?" "Twenty-six."
A blind man was traveling in his private jet when he detected something was wrong. He made his way to the cockpit and got no response from his pilot. The blind guy then found the radio and started calling the tower. "Help! Help!" The tower came back and asked, "What's the problem?" The blind guy yelled, "Help me! I'm blind... the pilot is dead, and we're flying upside down!" The tower comes back and asked, "How do you know
you're upside down?" "Because the shit is running down my back!"
One day JB and Chee go to the zoo together. Chee suddenly saw a monkey, point and laugh saying, see that monkey look just like laulee¨. JB immediately cover up Chee's mouth and scold him, You want to die is it? Want to get sue to Holland like me is it? Dont insult him like that in public.¨ Chee put away JB's hand and clam JB down, Dont worry, here only you and me, how could anyone else know I'm insulting the monkey.¨
One day, cancer lee's wife come back home from a D&D looking si pek buay song. Cancer lee feeling concerned, ask her why, the D&D not fun? And the wife answered, ya lor, 2 guys end up fighting over me in the dance, very uncivilized, you should suggest D&D be ban in your next talk cock in parliament. Cancer lee was shock and ask what happened. So the wife explained that she approached this guy to dance with her, but that guy immediate elbow another guy next to him and say, you dance with her. Then the other guy hammer him back saying no way, she yours. And that is how the fight started.
Haha, this is really funny!!!
My friend sent this to me, and i thought I'll share it with everyone...
A construction worker on the 5th floor needed a handsaw. He spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he can't hear him. So the worker on the 5th floor tried sign language. He pointed to his eye meaning "I", pointed to his knee meaning "need", then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion. The man on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his chops and starts masturbating. The worker on the 5th floor gets so pissed off he runs down to the ground floor and says. "What the f*** is your problem!! I said I needed a hand saw!". The other guy says, " I knew that! I was just trying to tell you - I'm coming!"
One day cancer lee and his wife is visiting an art exhibition. His wife stop at a piece of artwork and turn to her husband and commented loud loud,"Have you ever see such an awful painting in you life time?¨ cancer lee quickly pull her one side scolding, "How can you said that in public? Dont you know that's a mirror?"
A lady tells her husband to go to the store to buy some cigarettes.He walks down to the store only to find it closed. So he goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her.They have a couple of beers and one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment. After they've had their fun, he realizes its 3AM and says, "Oh no, its so late, my wife's going to kill me. Have you got any talcum powder?" She gives him some talcum powder, which he proceeds to rub on his hands and then he goes home. His wife is waiting for him in the doorway and she is pretty angry. Where the hell have you been?". Well, honey, it's like this. I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed. So I Went to the bar to use the vending machine. I saw this great looking girl There and we had a few drinks and one thing led to another and I ended up in Bed with her. "Oh yeah? Let me see your hands!" She sees his hands are Covered with powder and says... "You God damn liar!!! You were playing pool again!!!"
Moral of the story:
Always tell your wife the truth.
She won't believe you anyway. At least your conscience is clear.
Electric Train
A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room.
She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of $itches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of $itches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."
The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house.
Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."
Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say,
"All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue,
"For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."
As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the $itch in the kitchen."
So, lets say YOU, YOUR FRIEND and I die and we go to heaven.
WE are greeted at heaven's door by St. Peter and before WE enter he warns US to NOT step on the chicken's or WE will be punished.
Unfortunatly, clumsy me, I step on one chicken and I am punished by being forced to marry one of the ugliest people in heaven.
Soon, YOUR FRIEND steps on two chicken's and as their punishment, is forced to marry two of the ugliest people in heaven.
After, YOU come along, linked arms, with this really HOT guy/girl.
YOUR FRIEND and I being jealous automatically ask, "HOW'D U GET SUCH A HOT PARTNER?!?!"
Before you can respond, the hot partner says,
" I stepped on three chickens....."
One day a hunter was out shooting wild ducks. He sited a really nice plumb bird just starting it's take off. He tracked it for a moment before he knelt, taking aim, and fired. It was a perfect kill. The duck spiraled to the ground, landing in a farmers yard. Just as the hunter was hopping the fence to get it, the farmer came out and picked up the duck, starting to carry it away.
"Hey, were are you going with my duck?" asked the hunter fiercely.
"Your duck? It landed in my yard, therefore it's MY duck!" exclaimed the farmer. The arguement went back and forth over the ownership of the bird, when the hunter came up with an idea.
"Tell you what, I'll challange you for the duck... First, I'll kick you in the nuts as hard as I can, then you kick me, we'll go back and forth until one of us falls down. The one left standing gets the duck. How does that sound?"
The farmer agreed, saying,"Well, I'm pretty good at taking pain, and that duck looks like a mighty fine dinner."
So the hunter went first. He stepped back, wound up and gave it all he got right up between the farmers legs. The farmer screamed, his face turning beet red, and crunched over, but did not fall. After several minutes of catching his breathe the farmer finally panted, "Oh... Ok... It's my, my turn to... kick you."
The hunter replied, "Nah, that's ok, you can keep the duck."
A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY.The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains" I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and vice-versa." Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer that you'll ask me, I will pay you $500!." Figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match. This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer. Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer: "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references.He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his coworkers and friends he knows. All to no avail. Afterover an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500. The blonde politely takes the $500 and turns away to get back to sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer!?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.
JB, TLH, laogoh and laulee are on the same plane one day. Then the plane engine break down and is about to crash. And everyone panic when they discovered that there are only 3 parachutes available on the plane. So JB suggested that he would ask everyone a question, who ever answers it correctly, will get a parachute to jump. TLH and JB are buddy buddy so no problem with his suggestion, laogoh and laulee think JB is an idiot so why worry and agree too.
So JB ask TLH, how many legs I have? TLH answer 2, JB let he grab a parachute and jump.
JB ask laogoh next, how many fingers I have? Laugoh answer 10 and too he was given a parachute and jump.
Then JB turn to laulee and ask, how many hairs I have? Laulee went blur and JB grab the last parachute and jump.
JB, TLH, laogoh and laulee are once again on the same plane one day. Then the plane engine once again break down and is about to crash. This time, just when JB is about to open his mouth, laulee quickly grab the parachute label No1 and jump off the plane. JB went blur, then turn around and tell the rest that this time he was about to say the plane got 8 parachutes, but don¡¦t take the one with the No1 label because it doesn¡¦t work.
JB, TLH, laogoh and laulee are again on the same plane one day. Then the plane engine again break down and is about to crash. And everyone is panic again when they discovered that there are still only 3 parachutes available on the plane. So JB go ahead with his suggestion again but this time laulee learnt his lesson, die die object to the proposal. Until JB agree to ask only something related to Sinkapore history. Laulee finally agree as he is the master of Sinkapore, what kind of question about Sinkapore he would not be able to answer?
So JB ask TLH, during Japanese occupation, the imperial army kills which racial groups in Sinkapore the most? TLH answer Chinese and was given a parachute.
JB turn to laogoh and ask him, how many Chinese is estimated to be murdered by the imperial army? Laogoh pause for a moment and answer around 50-60K. He too get his parachute.
Finally JB face the smiling laulee and ask, can you tell me the names of all those victims? Laulee went blur again, so JB grad the last parachute and jump.
A tour bus driver was driving a bus full of seniors down ahighway. He was tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offered him a handfulof
peanuts, which he gratefully munched up.
After 15 minutes, she tapped him on his shoulder again and handed
him another handful of peanuts. She repeated this gesture about eight times.
The ninth time, he asked the little old lady why they did not eat the peanuts themselves. She replied that it was not possiblebecause of
their old teeth, and they are not able to chew them.
"Why do you buy them then?" he asked puzzled. The old lady answered, "We just love the chocolate around
them."
A very modest lady applied for a job at the factory where they made "Tickle me Elmo dolls." It was Friday and almost quitting time and hurriedly the boss told her to report for work on Monday. He quickly explained to her she would be stationed on the assembly line just before the dolls were packed into boxes.
Monday they started up the line and within twenty minutes had to shut it down because one worker couldn't keep up. The boss went down the line to find the problem. The new employee was very busy trying to do her part but she had a bunch of dolls waiting for her. Closer examination showed she was sewing little cloth bags containing two walnuts in the appropriate place on the dolls. The boss could not control his laughter and said, "Lady, I said to give each doll Two - Test - Tickles..."
After the wedding, the couple went on their honeymoon. The wife didn't want to get pregnant, so she told her husband to go buy a condom and come back soon. So the husband went to a shop and asked for a condom. There was a white one (15 cent), a black one(20 cent) and a purple one(25 cent). The husband only had 20cent on him, so he bought the black one.
While the wife was waiting for her husband to return, an African-American robber broke into the hotel room. She thought it was her husband, so she dragged him in bed and they did the dirty things. Then the African-American robber left.
When the husband got back, he did the dirty things with his wife.
+2 YEARS LATER+
Kid: Daddy, why am I black and you're white?
Dad: For 5 cents more, YOU WOULD OF BEEN PURPLE!
This has to be one of the best singles ads ever printed. It is reported to have been listed in The Atlanta Journal.
SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I'm a very good looking girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping and fishing trips,cozy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me. Call (404) 875-6420 and ask for Daisy, I'll be waiting...
Over 15,000 men found themselves talking to the Atlanta Humane Society about an 8-week-old black Labrador retriever. (Men are so easy).
Girls are still girls!
BF : What do you want to eat??
GF : Anything will do......
BF : Ok, chicken rice then.
GF : But I don't feel like having rice leh....
BF : Ok, mee goreng then.....
GF : Don't want, too oily.....
BF : Fishball noddle soup....
GF : Yeeeee...So plain....
BF : Then what you want???
GF : Anything lor.......
Marty wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.
Marty looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order,spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table. Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love You!
So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating.
Marty asks, Son, what happened last night? His son says, "Well, you came home around 3 AM, drunk and delirious. Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door".
Confused, Marty asks, So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me? His son replies,"Oh, that!"
Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your Pants off, you said, "Lady leave me alone! I'm married!"
Breakfast -- $10.00
Self-induced hangover -- $100.00
Broken furniture -- $5,000.00
Saying The Right Thing While Drunk -- PRICELESS!
Who Should Brew Coffee?
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the
coffee each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."
The husband said, "You are in charge of the cooking around here so you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my
coffee."
Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides it says in the Bible
that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that! Show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says, "HEBREWS."
3 LEADERS
Queen Elizabeth, Saddam Hussien and Bush died and all went to hell.
Queen Elizabeth said: I miss England, I wanna call England and see how
everybody is doing there... . so she called and talked for about 5
minutes...
Then she said: well devil, how much do I owe you ?
The devil goes: five million dollars...
Five million dollars!!! ? She made him a check and went to sit back on
her chair... .
Saddam was soo jealous, he starts screaming, me too, me too, I wanna
call the Iraq, I wanna see how everybody is doing too... he called and
talked for about 2 minutes, then he said: Well devil how much do I owe
you ?
The devil goes: ten million dolla rs... ..
Ten million dollars!!!!!!
He made him a check and went to sit back on his chair... ..
Bush was extremely jealous too... he starts screaming and screaming...
"I wanna call US! I want to see how everybody is doing there too, I want to
talk to the army, ministers , I wanna talk to everybody"... he called US
and he talked for about twenty hours, he was talking and talking and
talking.
Then he said: well, devil, how much do I owe you ?
The devil goes: one dollar... ..
Only one dollar!!!!! Saddam screamed... ONLY ONE DOLLAR
The devil says: well, from hell to hell it's local call!
