Jokes Thread !
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Originally posted by makiko:
i hav to try so hard! to contain my laughter!
[b]TOPIC : COWS
TRADITIONAL CORPORATION
You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies
and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.
AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You sell one and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.
A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.
A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.You then create clever cow cartoon images called 'Cowkimon' and market them World-Wide.
A GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.
A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows. Both are mad.
AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You break for lunch.
A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5,000 cows and none of which belong to you.You charge others for storing them.
A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim full employment and high bovine productivity. You have the newsman who reported on the numbers arrested.
AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You worship them.
A MALAYSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You signed a 40-year contract to supply milk at RM0.06 per litre. Then midway through, you raised the price to RM0.60 or you cut the supply. When the buyer agrees to the new price, you change your mind again and now want RM1.20. The buyer decided you can keep the milk and they go look for milk that comes from recycled cows or the cow urine instead. Your two cows retire together with the Prime Minister.
A SINGAPOREAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. One cow-peh and one cow-bu
[/b]
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david asked his dad why he goes around telling people he has AIDS.
his dad replied 'so that after i die nobody will touch your mom'. -
Originally posted by dragg:david asked his dad why he goes around telling people he has AIDS.
his dad replied 'so that after i die nobody will touch your mom'. -
2 men were working at a construction sight and it was very noisy. they had to gesticulate to communicate.
mr A points to his eye, knee and nails.
mr B then took off his pants and starts masturbating.
an angry mr A confronted mr B "what are you trying to do? i merely told you 'i need nails'
mr B replied "i know. i masturbated to tell you i am coming".
sorry a bit crude but i find this joke really nice. -
The Code
A mother had three daughters and, on each daughter's wedding, she tells
each one to write back about their married life. To avoid possible
embarrassment to their new husbands by openly discussing their love
lives, the mother and daughters agree to use newspaper advertisements as
a "code" to let the mother know how their love lives are going. The
first one gets married and the second day the letter arrives with a
single message, simply: " MAXWEEL COFFEE HOUSE". Mother got the
newspaper and checked the maxwellcoffee house advertisement, and it
says: "Satisfaction to the last drop..." so, mother is happy.
Then the second daughter gets married. After a week, there was a message
that read: "ROTHMAN`S MATTRESSES". So, the mother looks at the Rothman`s mattresses ad, and it says: "FULL SIZE, KING SIZE". And Mother is happy.
Then it was the third one's wedding. Mother was anxious. After four
weeks came the message: "SAUDI AIRLINES". And mother looks in to the
Saudia airlines ad, but this time she fainted.
The ad reads:" THREE TIMES A DAY, SEVEN DAYES A WEEK, BOTH WAYS." -
A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to an Englishman on an overseas flight. After a few cocktails, the men began discussing their home lives.
"Last night I made love to my wife four times," the Frenchman bragged, "and this morning she made me delicious crepes and she told me how much she adored me."
"Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times," the Italian responded, "and this morning she made me a wonderful omelet and told me she could never love another man."
When the Englishman remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, "And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?"
"Once," he replied.
"Only once?" the Italian arrogantly snorted. "And what did she say to you this morning?"
"Don't stop."
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Whats the thinnest book in the world?
"What Men Know About Women."
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Bush got a coded message from Saddam.
It read: 370HSSV-0773H
Bush was stumped and sent for the CIA. The CIA was stumped too, so it went to the NSA.
The NSA couldn't solve it either, so they asked Bill Clinton.
He suggested turning the message upside down
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A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead, all working for NASA, were trying to figure out where to go on the next trip.
The redheadsaid, "We should go to Mars."
The brunette said, "We should go to the Moon."
The brunette and the redhead sat there arguing for a while. Suddenly, the blonde shouts, "Stop arguing! I know where the next expedition should be to ... the Sun!"
The brunette and the redhead looked at each other and started laughing. The brunette finally said, "You can't go to the Sun. You would melt or burn up before you even got close!"
The blonde said, "DUH... Not if you go at night!" -
Lem: ''I got fired from my job as a bank guard.''
Clem: ''That's awful. What happened?''
Lem: ''Well a thief came in to rob a bank. I drew my gun. I told him that if he took one more step, I'd let him have it.''
Clem: ''What did thief do then?''
Lem: ''He took one more step so I let him have it. I didn't want that stupid gun anyhow!''
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How are men like computers?
They don't work until they're turned on.
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Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Daryl and Gomer. The three men had always done everything together.
Daryl arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Daryl said, "Yup, his face is burnt up pretty bad. You better roll him over."
The mortician rolled him over, and Daryl said, "Nope, ain't Bubba."
The mortician thought that was rather strange. Then he brought Gomer in to identify the body. Gomer took a look at the body and said, "Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over."
The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, "No, it ain't Bubba."
The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"
Gomer said, "Well, Bubba had two assholes."
"What? He had two assholes?!" said the mortician.
"Yup, everyone knew he had two assholes. Every time we went to town, folks would say, 'Here comes Bubba with them two assholes.'"
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A guy was smoking a cigarette.
Another guy comes up to him and asks, "Do you have an extra cigarette?"
The first guy looks at the box and reads that it contains20 cigarettes.
He counts all the cigarettes in his box and says,"Nope, don't got any extra cigarettes". -
New warnings on alcohol
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an asshole.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your pants.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you can't remember).
WARNING: consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Thor.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause an disruption in the space-time continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to "disappear."
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy. -
Why did the chicken cross the road?
KINDERGARTEN TEACHER: To get to the other side.
PLATO: For the greater good of man.
ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross roads.
KARL MARX: It was a historical inevitability.
TIMOTHY LEARY: Because that's the only trip the establishment would let it take.
OSAMA BIN LADEN: That chicken knew nothing of its mission (ha ha ha) only that it would be a martyr.
SADDAM HUSSEIN: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
RONALD REAGAN: I forget.
CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
HIPPOCRATES: Because of an excess of phlegm in its pancreas.
ANDERSEN CONSULTING: Deregulation of the chicken's side of the road was threatening its dominant market position. The chicken was faced with significant challenges to create and develop the competencies required for the newly competitive market. Andersen Consulting, in a partnering relationship with the client, helped the chicken by rethinking its physical distribution strategy and implementation processes. Using the Poultry Integration Model (PIM), Andersen helped the chicken use its skills, methodologies, knowledge, capital and experiences to align the chicken's people, processes and technology in support of its overall strategy within a Program Management framework. Andersen Consulting convened a diverse cross-spectrum of road analysts and best chickens along with Anderson consultants with deep skills in the transportation industry to engage in a two-day itinerary of meetings in order to leverage their personal knowledge capital, both tacit and explicit, and to enable them to synergize with each other in order to achieve the implicit goals of delivering and uccessfully architecting and implementing an enterprise-wide value framework across the continuum of poultry cross-median processes.The meeting was held in a park-like setting, enabling and creating an impactful environment which was strategically based, industry focused, and built upon a consistent, clear, and unified market message and aligned with the chicken's mission, vision, and core values. This was conducive towards the creation of a total business.
LOUIS FARRAKHAN: The road, you see, represents the black man. The chicken 'crossed' the black man in order to trample him and keep him down.
MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.
MOSES: And God came down from the Heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.
FOX MULDER: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross the road before you believe it?
RICHARD M. NIXON: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did NOT cross the road.
MACHIAVELLI: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.
JERRY SEINFELD: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place, anyway?"
FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
BILL GATES: I have just released the new Chicken Office 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook.
OLIVER STONE: The question is not, "Why did the chicken cross the road?" Rather, it is, "Who was crossing the road at the same time, whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?"
CHARLES DARWIN: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically disposed to cross roads.
ALBERT EINSTEIN: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.
BUDDHA: Asking this question denies your own chicken nature.
RALPH WALDO EMERSON: The chicken did not cross the road... it transcended it.
ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain.
COLONEL SANDERS: I missed one?
BILL CLINTON: I did not, and I repeat, did not have sexual relations with that chicken.
PAT BUCHANAN: To steal a job from a decent, hard working American.
L.A.P.D.: Give us five minutes with the chicken and we'll find out.
DR. SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes! The chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed, I've not been told!
GRANDPA: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.
GEORGE W. BUSH: The chicken crossed the road because he was an evil-doer, and we smoked him out of his hole and got him on the run! -
There were these two people in a bar, a boy and a girl. They started talking and decided to go back to the guy's house. When they got there the man took off his shirt and said, ''This is 1,000 pounds of dynamite.''
The girl was sweating.
Then he took off his pants and said, ''This is another 1,000 pounds of dynamite.''
By now, the girl wanted to jump on him. Then he took off his boxers and the girl started to run for the door.
The guy asked, ''Whats wrong? Where are you going?''
The girl said ''With 2,000 pounds fo dynamite and such a short fuse, I thought you were going to blow
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Q: Why did God create women?
A: Because God took one look at men and said, ''I know I can do better than this.''
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It's wise to remember how easily e-mail can be misused, sometimes unintentionally, with serious consequences.
Consider the case of the Illinois man who left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail.
Unfortunately, when typing her address, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly woman whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint.
At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:
Dearest Wife, Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
P.S. Sure is hot down here.
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At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got 1000 mi/gal." Recently General Motors addressed this comment by releasing the statement "Yes, but would you want your car to crash twice a day?" and also noted the following consequences of GM imitating Microsoft:
1. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.
2. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.
3. Occasionally, executing a maneuver would cause your car to stop and fail and you would have to re-install the engine. For some strange reason, you would accept this too.
4. You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT". But, then you would have to buy more seats.
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast, twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.
6. The Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades to their cars, which would make their cars run much slower.
7. The oil, gas and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car fault" warning light.
8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.
9. The airbag system would say "are you sure?" before going off.
10. If you were involved in a crash, you would have no idea what happened. -
There are three stages to sex in a person's life:
Tri Weekly,
Try Weekly,
and Try Weakly.
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What are the three biggest tragedies in a man's life?
Life sucks,
job sucks,
and the wife doesn't! -
A man walks into a bar with a paper bag. He sits down and places the bag on the counter. The bartender walks up and asks what's in the bag.
The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, of about 12 inches height, and sets him on the counter. He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a small piano, setting it on the counter as well. He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench. The little man sits down at the piano and starts playing a beautiful piece by Mozart.
"Where on earth did you get that ???" asked the surprised bartender. The man responds by reaching into the paper bag. This time he pulls out a magic lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says: "Here. Rub it."
So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there's a gust of smoke and a beautiful genie is standing before him. "I will grant you one wish - just one."
The bartender gets real excited. Without hesitating he says, "I want a million bucks !"
A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar. Another duck, then another soon follow it. Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks and they keep coming!
The bartender turns to the man and says, "You know, I think your genie's a little deaf. I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks."
The man replies, "Do you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist ??? " -
Sid and Al were sitting in a Chinese restaurant. "Sid," asked Al, "Are
there any Jews in China?"
"I don't know," Sid replied. "Why don't we ask the waiter?"
When the waiter came by, Al said, "Are there any Chinese Jews?"
"I don't know sir, let me ask," the waiter replied and he went into the
kitchen.
He quickly returned and said, "No, sir. No Chinese Jews."
"Are you sure?" Al asked."I will check again, sir." the waiter replied and
went back to the kitchen.
While he was still gone, Sid said, "I cannot believe there are no Jews in
China. Our people are scattered everywhere."
When the waiter returned he said, "Sir, no Chinese Jews."
"Are you really sure?" Al asked again. "I cannot believe there are no
Chinese Jews."
"Sir, I ask everyone," the waiter replied exasperated. "We have orange
jews, prune jews, tomato jews and grape jews, but no one ever hear of
Chinese jews!" -
A newfie wanted to learn how to sky dive. He got an instructor and started lessons. The instructor told the newfie to jump out of the plane and pull his rip cord. The instructor then explained that he himself would jump out right behind him so that they would go down together. The newfie understood and was ready.
The time came to have the newfie jump from the air plane. The instructor reminded him that he would be right behind him. The newfie proceeded to jump from the plane and after being in the air for a few seconds pulled the rip cord. The instructor followed by jumping from the plane. The instructor pulled his rip cord but the parachute did not open. The instructor, frantically trying to get his parachute open, darted past the newfie.
The newfie seeing this yelled, as he undid the straps to his parachute, "So you wanna race, eh?" -
There were three guys, a Torontonian, an American and a Newfoundlander. They were all going to be executed. The executioner said that since all three were to be executed that night, that they would each get to choose the method by which they would die.
Their choices were: lethal injection, electric chair or by hanging. The American was afraid of needles and did'nt want to be hanged. The American chose the electric chair. He sat in the chair and they pulled the switch and nothing happened. The executioner said that if this happens a second time that he could go free. They tried a second time and again nothing happened so they set him free.
The guy from Toronto was also afraid of needles and did'nt want to be hanged so he too chose the electric chair. Once again, the chair didn't work and he was free.
Next it was the Newfoundlanders turn to pick how he was to be executed. He said "I'm afraid of needles, the electric chair won't work so you're going to have to hang me". -
yup.. he's a joke all rightOriginally posted by Ghetto:heyy dis is fitty.
[ -
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold
Monday morning; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished
but amazingly neither of them are hurt. God works in mysterious ways.
After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says "So you're a man.
That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing
left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days".
Flattered, the man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely, this must
be a sign from God!" The woman continues, "And look at this, here's another
miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't
break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good
fortune
" Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in
agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the
woman. The woman takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police...."
MORAL OF THE STORY:
Women are clever, evil bitches. Don't mess with them. -
An English professor wrote the words:
"A woman without her man is nothing"
on the chalkboard and asked his students to punctuate it correctly.
All of the males in the class wrote:
"A woman, without her man, is nothing."
All the females in the class wrote:
"A woman: without her, man is nothing."
Punctuation is powerful.... -
A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old
son playing with his new electric train in the living room.
She heard the train stop & her son saying, "All of you bastards who
want off, get the hell off now, 'cause this is the last stop! And all
of you bastards who are getting on, get your ass in the train, Cause
we're going down the tracks."
The horrified mother went in & told her son, "We don't use that kind
of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room & stay
there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train,
but I want you to use nice language.
"Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom & resumed playing
with his train. Soon the train stopped & the mother heard her son say,"All
passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all
of your belongings with you.We thank you for traveling with us today &
hope your trip was a pleasant one."
She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding,
we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember,
there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and
relaxing journey with us today."
As the mother began to smile, the child added,
"For thoseof you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please
direct your complaints to the fat bitch in the kitchen." Thank you for
travelling with us. -
not bad sia all the jokes
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NEW COURSES AVAILABLE FOR WOMEN
Women think they already know everything, but wait... Training courses are now available for women on the following subjects:-
1. Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before
2. The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits
3. Parties: Going Without New Outfits
4. Man Management: Minor Household Chores Can Wait until After The Game
5. Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too.
6. Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor is His
7. Communication Skills I: Tears - The Last Resort, not the First
8. Communication Skills II: Thinking Before Speaking
9. Communication Skills III: Getting What you Want Without Nagging
10. Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire
11. Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up
12. Introduction to Parking
13. Advanced Parking: Backing Into a Space
14. Water Retention: Fact or Fat
15. Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter
16. Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not for Human Consumption
17. Cooking III: How not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People
18. Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully
19. PMS: Your Problem . .. . Not His
20. Dancing: Why Men Don't Like To
21. Classic Clothing: Wearing Outfits You Already Have
22. Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women Notice
23. Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All Together
24. Oil and Petrol: Your Car Needs Both
25. TV Remotes: For Men Only
26. Getting ready to go out: Start the day before.
27. YOUR COACH IS ALWAYS RIGHT - ACCEPT IT.....
Please register immediately as courses are expected to be in great demand... -
I was queueing to check out at the NTUC Fairprice with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine.
I picked up one of those "dividers" that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed.
After the cashier had scanned all of my items, she picked up the "divider", looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it.
Not finding the bar code she said to me, "Do you know how much this is?"
I said to her "I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy that today."
She said "OK," and I paid her for the things and left.
She had no clue to what had just happened. -
a young couple got married and left for their honeymoon.. when they got home, the bride called her mom...
"well, how was the honeymoon?" asked the mom
"oh mama", she replied, "it was wonderful and so romantic..." and suddenly, she burst out crying...
"but mama.. as soon as we returned, he started using the most horrible language. he kept saying things i've never heard before. all these awful four-letter word! you've got to come get me and take me home!! please mama!!"
"dear girl.. ", her mom said. "calm down! tell me what could be so awful.. what four-letter words has he been using?"
"please don't make me tell you mama.." she wept bitterly, "i'm so embarassed! they're too awful! you've got to come and get me right now and take me home! please mama!!"
"darling baby, you must tell me what has you so upset.. please tell your mother these horrible four-letter words!!"
still sobbing, the bride replied, "oh mama!! four-letter words like... dust.. cook.. wash... iron.."