Jokes Thread !
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WHY SINGAPOREAN Girls CAN'T WIN MISS UNIVERSE TITLE
One of the main reasons why in recent years the Singapore Government has always ensured that their Miss Universe representatives were of tertiary level education or higher was because of the following incident which occurred not too many years ago.
It is the final round of the Miss Universe Pageant and the 3 finalists, Miss USA, Miss Malaysia and Miss Singapore are being asked 3 simple questions:
MC: The first question is name me an electrical appliance starting with "L"
Miss USA: Lamp
Miss Malaysia: Light bulb
Miss Singapore: LADIO
Judge: No, no, Radio does not start with the letter "L"
MC: I am going to give you 3 more chances; Now, name me an animal starting with the letter "L"
Miss USA: Lion
Miss Malaysia: Leopard
Miss Singapore: LABBIT
Judge: No, no, no!
MC: Your next chance. The name of a famous car that starts with "L"
Miss USA: Lexus
Miss Malaysia: Lamborghini
Miss Singapore: Lolls-Loyce
Judge: Oh my God!
MC: I am going to give you one last chance! Name me a fruit starting with the letter "L"
Miss USA: Lemon
Miss Malaysia: Lychee
Miss Singapore, with full of confidence, smiles and says: LIEWLIAN!!
This is not the end of the story, the Judge consulted the board of judges to determine if Miss Singapore should really be disqualified ; and they decided that since Miss Singapore was having so many problems with the letter "L", they decided to give her another chance.
Judge: OK, the final question is : Name me a human anatomy starting with the letter "L"
Miss USA: Lung (applause)
Miss Malaysia: Liver (even more applause)
Miss Singapore: LAN CIAU
The Judges fainted..!!! -
i dun see the reason y gers can take joke n when i post some joke abt guy n it is like..................they can't take itOriginally posted by cant0ger:WHY SINGAPOREAN Girls CAN'T WIN MISS UNIVERSE TITLE
One of the main reasons why in recent years the Singapore Government has always ensured that their Miss Universe representatives were of tertiary level education or higher was because of the following incident which occurred not too many years ago.
It is the final round of the Miss Universe Pageant and the 3 finalists, Miss USA, Miss Malaysia and Miss Singapore are being asked 3 simple questions:
MC: The first question is name me an electrical appliance starting with "L"
Miss USA: Lamp
Miss Malaysia: Light bulb
Miss Singapore: LADIO
Judge: No, no, Radio does not start with the letter "L"
MC: I am going to give you 3 more chances; Now, name me an animal starting with the letter "L"
Miss USA: Lion
Miss Malaysia: Leopard
Miss Singapore: LABBIT
Judge: No, no, no!
MC: Your next chance. The name of a famous car that starts with "L"
Miss USA: Lexus
Miss Malaysia: Lamborghini
Miss Singapore: Lolls-Loyce
Judge: Oh my God!
MC: I am going to give you one last chance! Name me a fruit starting with the letter "L"
Miss USA: Lemon
Miss Malaysia: Lychee
Miss Singapore, with full of confidence, smiles and says: LIEWLIAN!!
This is not the end of the story, the Judge consulted the board of judges to determine if Miss Singapore should really be disqualified ; and they decided that since Miss Singapore was having so many problems with the letter "L", they decided to give her another chance.
Judge: OK, the final question is : Name me a human anatomy starting with the letter "L"
Miss USA: Lung (applause)
Miss Malaysia: Liver (even more applause)
Miss Singapore: LAN CIAU
The Judges fainted..!!!
-
The notes are from an inexperienced Chilli taster named Frank, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast:
Frank: "Recently, I was honoured to be selected as a judge at a chilli cook-off. The Judge #3 called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Budweiser truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chilli wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted."
Here are the scorecards from the event:
Chilli #1 (Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chilli)
Judge #1 A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge #2 Nice, smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.
Judge #3 (Frank) Holy sh!t, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
Chilli #2 (Arthur's Afterburner Chilli)
Judge #1 Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge #2 Exciting BBQ flavour, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge #3 (Frank) Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich manoeuvre. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
Chilli #3 (Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chilli)
Judge #1 Excellent firehouse chilli. Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge #2 A beanless chilli, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge #3 (Frank) Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose
feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all of the beer!
Chilli #4 (Bubba's Black Magic)
Judge #1 Black bean chilli with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge #2 Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chilli.
Judge #3 (Frank) I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. bitch is starting to look HOT... just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chilli an aphrodisiac?
Chilli #5 (Laura's Legal Lip Remover)
Judge #1 Meaty, strong chilli. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge #2 Chilli using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge #3 (Frank) My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chilli had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.
Chilli #6 (Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety)
Judge #1 Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chilli. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge #2 The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
Judge #3 (Frank) I shit myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.
Chilli #7 (Sandra's Screaming Sensation Chilli)
Judge #1 A mediocre chilli with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge #2 Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chilli peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge #3 (Frank) You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chilli, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me.
I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
Chilli #8 (Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chilli)
Judge #1 The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chilli. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge #2 This final entry is a good, balanced chilli. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chilli pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor dude, wonder how he'd have reacted to a really hot chilli? -
There was an archery competition and 3 top archers are competing to be the best.
The first archer took out his bow and arrow and took aim. When he was steady, he released his arrow from 30meters and hit the bull's eye! Everyone applaud and the archer was very proud of himself. He shouted: "Yes! I'm Robin Hood!"
The second archer now came forward. Instead of the 30meter mark, he stood at the 40meter mark and took aim. With one swift shot, the arrow split the arrow of the first archer into half and hit the bull's eye! Everyone was shocked. The second archer shouted proudly: "I'm Hou Yi!" (Hou Yi is the famous archer who shot down the nine suns in Chinese folk tales)
It is now for the third archer to shoot. To beat the competition, he stood at the 50 meter mark. However, just as he was going to release the arrow, some sand flew into his eyes and made him lose focus. Thus, the arrow went off target and hit a umpire nearby. He died on the spot. Alarmed, the third archer then exclaimed: "I'm....I'm......I'm sorry" -
Bubba was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Bubba how about Tom Cruise?"
"Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it."
So Bubba and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and sure enough, Tom Cruise, shouts, "Bubba! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!"
Although impressed, Bubba's boss is still skeptical.
After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Bubba that he thinks Bubba's knowing Cruise was just lucky.
"No, no, just name anyone else," Bubba says.
"President Clinton," his boss quickly retorts.
"Yes," Bubba says, "I know him, let's fly out to Washington."
And off they go.
At the White House, Clinton spots Bubb on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Bubba, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."
Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced.
After they leave the White house grounds, he expresses his doubts to Bubba, who again implores him to name anyone else.
"The Pope," his boss replies.
"Sure!" says Bubba.
"My folks are from Poland, and I've known the Pope a long time."
So off they fly to Rome.
Bubba and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Bubba says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."
And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican.
Sure enough, half an hour later Bubba emerges with the Pope on the balcony.
But by the time Bubba returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.
Working his way to his boss' side, Bubba asks him, "What happened?"
His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, "Who's that on the balcony with Bubba?" -
Thanks for the support so far ~!
You guys are the greatest !
My new contributions
MAN: I'd like to buy some dog food.
CHECKOUT LADY: Do you have a dog?
MAN: Yes.
CHECKOUT LADY: Where is he?
MAN: He's at home.
CHECKOUT LADY: I'm sorry, I can't sell this dog food to you unless I see the dog. Store policy.
The next day, the man returns.
MAN: I'd like to buy some cat food.
CHECKOUT LADY: Do you have a cat?
MAN: Yes.
CHECKOUT LADY: Well...where is he?
MAN: He's at home!
CHECKOUT LADY: Sorry, I can't sell this cat food to you unless I see your cat.
The next day the man returns.
CHECKOUT LADY: What's in the sack?
MAN: Put your hand inside.
CHECKOUT LADY: Hmmm...It's warm and moist! What is it?
MAN: I would like to buy some toilet paper. -
So-called friendship among women :
A woman did not come home at night.
The next day she tells her husband she slept over at a friend's house. The man calls his wife's 10 best friends. None of them says they know about it.
Real brotherhood among men :
A man did not come home at night.
The next day he tells his wife he slept over at a friend's house. The woman calls her husband's 10 best friends. 8 of them say that he did sleep over at their place and 2 claim that he's still there. -
The CEO asked his general manager, "We will be celebrating our business organisation's 25th anniversary, what is the best way to celebrate? I want media coverage, minimal cost and our employees also enjoy the occasion."
The general manager thought for a while, then said, "There is a way, but you might not agree with it."
The CEO impatiently replied, "What is it?"
The general manager said,''You jump down from the the top of our building. There will be plenty of media coverage, we don't spend much money, in fact we'll save, and the employees will be very happy." -
Originally posted by F Takumi:So-called friendship among women :
A woman did not come home at night.
The next day she tells her husband she slept over at a friend's house. The man calls his wife's 10 best friends. None of them says they know about it.
Real brotherhood among men :
A man did not come home at night.
The next day he tells his wife he slept over at a friend's house. The woman calls her husband's 10 best friends. 8 of them say that he did sleep over at their place and 2 claim that he's still there.
But very fast will kow which one of his friend canot trust liao.. -
Subject: Funny letter from India
My dear Jagjit,
I am in a well here and hoping you are also in a well there. I'm writing this letter slowly, because I know you cannot read fast.
We are not living where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen 20 miles from home, so we moved 20 miles.
I am not able to send the address, as the last Sardar who stayed here took the house numbers with them for their new house so they would not have to change their address. Hopefully by next week we will be able to take our earlier address plate here, and that our address will remain same too.
This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine, situated right above the toilet. But I'm not sure it works too well. Last week I put in 3 shirts, pulled the chain, and haven't seen them since.
The weather here isn't too bad. It rained only twice last week. The first time it rained for 3 days and second time for 4 days.
The coat you wanted me to send you, your Aunt said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with all the metal buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pocket.
Your father has another job. He has 500 men under him.
He is cutting the grass at the cemetery.
By the way, I took Bahu to our club's poolside. The manager is Badmash. He told her that two piece swimming suit is not allowed in his club. We were
confused as to which piece we should remove?
Your sister had a baby this morning. I haven't found out whether it is a girl or a boy, so I don't know whether you are an Aunt or Uncle.
Your uncle, Jetinder fell in the nearby well. Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off bravely and drowned. We cremated him and he burned for three days.
Your best friend, Balwinder, is no more. He died trying to fulfill his father's last wishes. His father had wished to be buried in the sea after he died. And your friend died while in the process of digging a grave for his father.
There isn't much more news this time. Nothing much has happened.
Love,
Mom.
P.S : Jagjit, I was going to send you some money but
by the time I realized, I had already sealed off this letter. -
Very long never contribute le.
New ones.
An atheist was taking a walk through the woods, admiring all that evolution had created.
"What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!", he said to himself. As he was walking along the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. When he turned to see what the casue was, he saw a 7-foot grizzly charging right towards him. He ran as fast as he could. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing, He ran even faster, crying in fear. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. His heart was pounding and he tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up, but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.
At that moment, the Atheist cried out "Oh my God!...." Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. Even the river stopped moving.
As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky, "You deny my existence for all of these years; teach others I don''t exist; and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"
The atheist looked directly into the light "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as Christian now, but perhaps could you make the bear a Christian?" "Very well," said the voice.
The light went out. The river ran again. And the sounds of the forest resumed.
And then the bear dropped his right paw ..... brought both paws together...bowed his head and spoke: "Lord, for this food which I am about to receive, I am truly thankful."
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A waiter asks a man, “May I take your order, sir?”
“Yes,” the man replies. “I’m just wondering, exactly how do you prepare your chickens?”
“Nothing special, sir. We just tell them straight out that they’re going to die.”
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An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong place."
So, the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After awhile, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"
Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."
God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."
Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."
God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."
Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?" -
Different Ways To Say ''You're Stupid''
A few clowns short of a circus.
A few fries short of a Happy Meal.
An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.
A few beers short of a six-pack.
Dumber than a box of hair.
A few peas short of a casserole.
Doesn't have all her cornflakes in one box.
The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead.
One Fruit Loop shy of a full bowl.
One taco short of a combination plate.
A few feathers short of a whole duck.
All foam, no beer.
The cheese slid off her cracker.
Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel.
Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.
An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.
As smart as bait.
Chimney's clogged.
Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash.
Doesn't know much but leads the league in nostril hair.
Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor.
Forgot to pay her brain bill.
Her sewing machine's out of thread.
His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels.
His belt doesn't go through all the loops.
If she had another brain, it would be lonely.
Missing a few buttons on his remote control.
No grain in the silo.
Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.
Receiver is off the hook.
Several nuts short of a full pouch.
Skylight leaks a little.
Slinky's kinked.
Surfing in Nebraska.
Too much yardage between the goal posts.
Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
The lights are on, but nobody's home.
24 cents short of a quarter. -
Lights are on, nobody home.
Wheel is spinning, ferret is dead.. -
Originally posted by makiko:
This is Nice. I love this one
[b]TOPIC : COWS
TRADITIONAL CORPORATION
You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies
and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.
AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You sell one and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.
A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.
A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.You then create clever cow cartoon images called 'Cowkimon' and market them World-Wide.
A GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.
A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows. Both are mad.
AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You break for lunch.
A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5,000 cows and none of which belong to you.You charge others for storing them.
A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim full employment and high bovine productivity. You have the newsman who reported on the numbers arrested.
AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You worship them.
A MALAYSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You signed a 40-year contract to supply milk at RM0.06 per litre. Then midway through, you raised the price to RM0.60 or you cut the supply. When the buyer agrees to the new price, you change your mind again and now want RM1.20. The buyer decided you can keep the milk and they go look for milk that comes from recycled cows or the cow urine instead. Your two cows retire together with the Prime Minister.
A SINGAPOREAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. One cow-peh and one cow-bu
[/b] -
Originally posted by Lim Beh Ka Li Kong:A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old
son playing with his new electric train in the living room.
She heard the train stop & her son saying, "All of you bastards who
want off, get the hell off now, 'cause this is the last stop! And all
of you bastards who are getting on, get your ass in the train, Cause
we're going down the tracks."
The horrified mother went in & told her son, "We don't use that kind
of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room & stay
there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train,
but I want you to use nice language.
"Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom & resumed playing
with his train. Soon the train stopped & the mother heard her son say,"All
passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all
of your belongings with you.We thank you for traveling with us today &
hope your trip was a pleasant one."
She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding,
we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember,
there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and
relaxing journey with us today."
As the mother began to smile, the child added,
"For thoseof you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please
direct your complaints to the fat bitch in the kitchen." Thank you for
travelling with us. 
Thats bad of the boy. But its a funny joke -
Why Armageddon attracts many old ladies to watch?
Because Armageddon = Ah Ma Gather! -
> >1. On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their
three
> >sons.
> >
> >Early one morning, the woman awoke, and while looking out of the
window
> >onto to the pasture, she saw that the family's only cow was lying
> >dead
in
> >the field. The situation looked hopeless to her -- how could she
possibly
> >continue to feed her family now?
> >
> >In a depressed state of mind, she hung herself. When the husband
> >awoke
to
> >find his wife dead, as well as the cow, he too began to see the
> >hopelessness of the situation, and he shot himself in the head.
> >
> >Now the oldest son woke up to discover his parents dead (and the
cow!),
and
> >he decided to go down to the river and drown himself.
> >
> >When he got to the river, he discovered a mermaid sitting on the
> >bank.
She
> >said, "I've seen all and know the reason for your despair. But if you
will
> >have sex with me five times in a row, I will restore your parents and
the
> >cow to you."
> >
> >The son agreed to try, but after four times, he was simply unable to
> >satisfy her again. So the mermaid drowned him in the river.
> >
> >Next the second oldest son woke up. After discovering what had
happened,
he
> >too decided to throw himself into the river.
> >
> >The mermaid said to him, "If you will have sex with me ten times in a
row,
> >I will make everything right." And while the son tried his best
> >(seven times!), it was not enough to satisfy the mermaid, so she
> >drowned him
in
> >the river.
> >
> >The youngest son woke up and saw his parents dead, the dead cow in
> >the field, and his brothers gone. He decided that life was a hopeless
prospect,
> >and he went down to the river to throw himself in.
> >
> >And there he also met the mermaid. "I have seen all that has
> >happened,
and
> >I can make everything right if you will only have sex with me fifteen
times
> >in a row."
> >
> >The young son replied, "Is that all? Why not twenty times in a row?"
> >
> >The mermaid was somewhat taken aback by this request. Then he said,
"Hell,
> >why not twenty-five times in a row?" And even as she was reluctantly
> >agreeing to his request, he said, "Why not THIRTY times in a row?"
> >
> >Finally, she said, "Enough!! Okay, if you will have sex with me
> >thirty times in a row, then I will bring everybody back to perfect
> >health."
Then
> >the young son asked, "Wait! How do I know that thirty times in a row
won't
> >kill you like it did the cow?" -
2. A boy is home with his babysitter on a stormy night when the boy
says
> >"Usually on a stormy night mommy lets me cuddle with her". The
babysitter
> >responds with "OK". They are cuddling when the boy says "Usually
> >mommy
lets
> >me take a bath". The babysitter says "ok". The boy is in the tub when
he
> >says "Usually mommy gets in with me". The babysitter says "Really?
ok".
> >They are in the tub when the boy says "Usually my mommy lets me touch
her
> >bellybutton" The babysitter says "Really? ummmmm ok".
> >
> >Then the babysitter says "Hey that wasn't my bellybutton!" The boy
says
> >"That wasn't my finger either." -
3. Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke,
when
it
> >started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the
end
and
> >put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.
> >
> >Lady 1: What's that?
> >Lady 2: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet. Lady 1:
> >Where did you get it? Lady 2: You can get them at any drugstore.
> >
> >The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and
announces
> >to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
> >
> >The guy, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely she
> >is, after all, over 80 years of age, but very delicately asks what
> >brand
she
> >prefers.
> >
> >Lady 1: Doesn't matter son, as long as it fits a Camel.
> >
> >The pharmacist fainted.
> > -
4.
> >
> >A young woman buys a mirror at an antique shop, and hangs it on her
> >bathroom door. One evening, while getting undressed, she playfully
says
> >"Mirror, mirror, on my door, make my bustline forty four".
> >
> >Instantly, there is a brilliant flash of light, and her breasts grow
to
> >enormous proportions. Excitedly, she runs to tell her husband what
> >happened, and in minutes they both return.
> >
> >This time the husband crosses his fingers and says "Mirror mirror on
the
> >door, make my penis touch the floor!".
> >
> >Again, there's a bright flash... and then his legs fall off!
> >
> >5.An old man was on the beach and walked up to a beautiful girl in a
bikini
> >- "I want to feel your breasts" he exclaimed.
> >
> >"Get away from me, you crazy old man" she replied.
> >
> >"I want to feel your breasts, I will give you twenty dollars," he
says.
> >
> >"Twenty dollars, are you nuts!? Get away from me!"
> >
> >"I want to feel your breasts, I will give you ONE HUNDRED DOLLARS" he
> >stated.
> >
> >"NO! Get away from me!"
> >
> >"TWO HUNDRED DOLLARS" he offered.
> >
> >She paused to think about it, but then comes to her senses and says,
"I
> >said NO!"
> >
> >"FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS if you let me feel your breasts," he exclaimed.
> >
> >She thought, well he is old, and he seems harmless enough... and $500
IS
a
> >lot of money... "Well, OK... but only for a minute."
> >
> >She loosened her bikini top and while both are standing there on the
beach,
> >he slid his hands underneath and began to feel... then he started
saying,
> >"OH MY GOD... OH MY GOD... OH MY GOD..." while he was caressing them.
> >
> >Out of curiosity, she asked him, "Why do you keep saying, 'Oh my god,
oh
my
> >god'?"
> >
> >While continuing to feel her breasts he answered, "OH MY GOD... OH MY
> >GOD... OH MY GOD... OH MY GOD, where am I ever going to get five
hundred
> >dollars?" -
6. Two old pensioners are taking a trip down memory lane by going
> >back
to
> >the place where they first met.
> >
> >Sitting at a café, the little old man says, "Remember the first time
> >I
met
> >you over 50 years ago? We left this cafe, went round the corner
> >behind
the
> >gas works, and I gave you one from behind."
> >
> >"Why, yes, I remember it well, dear," replies the little old lady
> >with
a
> >grin.
> >
> >"Well, for old time's sake, let's go there again. and I'll give you
one
> >from behind."
> >
> >The two pensioners pay their bill and leave the cafe. A young man
sitting
> >next to them has overheard the conversation and smiles to himself,
thinking
> >it would be quite amusing to see two old pensioners at it. He gets up
and
> >follows them. Sure enough, he sees the two pensioners near the gas
works.
> >The little old lady pulls off her knickers and lifts up her dress.
> >
> >The old man pulls down his pants and grabs the lady's hips, and the
little
> >old lady reaches for the fence. Well, what follows is 40 minutes of
the
> >most athletic sex the man has ever seen. The little old man is
> >banging
away
> >at the little old woman at a pace that can only be described as
phenomenal.
> >Limbs are flying everywhere, the movement is a blur, and they do not
stop
> >for a single second. Finally, they collapse and don't move for an
hour.
> >
> >Well, the man is stunned. Never in his life has he ever seen anything
that
> >equates to this -- not in the movies, not from his friends, not from
his
> >own experiences.
> >
> >Reflecting on what he has just seen, he says to himself, "I have to
know
> >his secret. If only I could shag like that now, let alone in 50
> >years' time!"
> >
> >The two old pensioners have by this time recovered and dressed
themselves.
> >Plucking up courage, the man approaches the pensioner.
> >
> >He says, "Sir, in all my life I have never seen anybody shag like
that,
> >particularly at your age. What's your secret? Could you shag like
> >that
50
> >years ago?"
> >
> >The pensioner replies, "Son, 50 years ago, that fucking fence wasn't
> >electrified." -
7. Doris and Fred had started their retirement years and decided to
raise
> >some extra cash by advertising for a lodger in their terrace house.
After
a
> >few days, a young, attractive woman applied for the room and
> >explained
that
> >she was a model working in a nearby city center studio for a few
weeks.
She
> >said she would like the room from Mondays to Thursdays but would pay
for
> >the whole week.
> >
> >Doris showed her the house, and they agreed to start straight away.
> >
> >"There's just one problem," explained the model. "Because of my job,
> >I
have
> >to take a bath every night, and I notice you don't have a bath."
> >
> >"That's not a problem," replied Doris. "We have a tin bath out in the
yard,
> >and we bring it into the living room in front of the fire and fill it
with
> >hot water."
> >
> >"What about you're husband?" asked the model.
> >
> >"Oh, he plays darts most weekdays, so he will be out in the
> >evenings," replied Doris.
> >
> >"Good," said the model. "Now that's settled, I'll go to the studio
> >and
see
> >you tonight."
> >
> >That evening, Fred dutifully went to his darts match while Doris
prepared
> >the bath for the model. After stripping her clothes, the model
> >stepped
into
> >the bath. Doris was amazed to see that she had no pubic hair. The
model
> >noticed Doris's staring eyes, so she smiled and explained that it is
part
> >of her job to shave herself, especially when modeling swimwear or
> >underclothes.
> >
> >Later when Fred returned, Doris related this oddity, and he did not
believe
> >her.
> >
> >"It's true, I tell you!" said Doris. "Look, if you don't believe me,
> >tomorrow night I'll leave the curtains slightly open, and you can
> >peek
in
> >and see for yourself."
> >
> >The next night, Fred left as usual, and Doris prepared the bath for
the
> >model. As the model stepped naked into the bath, Doris stood behind
her.
> >Doris looked toward the curtains and pointed toward the model's naked
pubic
> >area. Then she lifted up her skirt and, wearing no panties, pointed
> >to
her
> >own hairy mass.
> >
> >Later, Fred returned and they retired to bed.
> >
> >"Well, do you believe me now?" she asked Fred.
> >
> >"Yes," he replied. "I've never seen anything like it in my life. But
why
> >did you lift up your skirt and show yourself?"
> >
> >"Just to show you the difference," answered Doris. "But I guess
> >you've
seen
> >me millions of times."
> >
> >"Yes," said Fred, "I have -- but the rest of the dart team hadn't."
> > -
A wife asked her husband:
"What do you like most in me - my pretty face or my sexy body?"
He looked at her from head to toe and replied:
"I like your sense of humor." -
Hilarious
-