Jokes Thread !
-
I lie awake waiting for you.
As I lie on my bed, thinking about you, I feel this strong urge to grab you and squeeze you, because I can't forget last night.
You came to me unexpectedly during the balmy and calm night, and what happened in my bed still leaves a tingling sensation in me.
You appeared from nowhere and shamelessly, without any reservations, you lay on my naked body...
You sensed my indifference, so you applied your hungry mouth to me without any guilt or humiliation, and you nearly drove me crazy while you drained me.
Finally I went to sleep.
Today when I woke up, you were gone.
I searched for you but to no avail, only the sheets bore witness to last night's events.
My body still bears faint marks of your enthusiastic ravishing, making it harder to forget you.
Tonight I will remain awake waiting for you...
........you f--king mosquito.
Gino & Angela -
ROTFL
-
Why I Am Not Married
You have two choices in life:
You can stay single and be miserable,
or get married and wish you were dead.
At a cocktail party, one woman said to another,
"Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the
wrong finger?" "Yes, I am. I married the wrong man."
A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds:
"Husband Wanted"
The next day she received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing:
"You can have mine."
When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.
A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished.
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
Father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying."
A young son asked, "Is it true, Dad, that in some parts of Africa
a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
Dad replied, "That happens in every country, son."
Then there was a woman who said, I never knew what real happiness was until I got married, and by then, it was too late."
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say -- talk in your sleep.
Just think, if it wasn't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all. First guy says, "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy remarks, "You're lucky. Mine's still alive."
A Woman's Prayer "Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom, to understand a man, to love and to forgive him, and for Patience, for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll just beat him to death. -
Originally posted by makiko:> >1. On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their
three
> >sons.
> >
> >Early one morning, the woman awoke, and while looking out of the
window
> >onto to the pasture, she saw that the family's only cow was lying
> >dead
in
> >the field. The situation looked hopeless to her -- how could she
possibly
> >continue to feed her family now?
> >
> >In a depressed state of mind, she hung herself. When the husband
> >awoke
to
> >find his wife dead, as well as the cow, he too began to see the
> >hopelessness of the situation, and he shot himself in the head.
> >
> >Now the oldest son woke up to discover his parents dead (and the
cow!),
and
> >he decided to go down to the river and drown himself.
> >
> >When he got to the river, he discovered a mermaid sitting on the
> >bank.
She
> >said, "I've seen all and know the reason for your despair. But if you
will
> >have sex with me five times in a row, I will restore your parents and
the
> >cow to you."
> >
> >The son agreed to try, but after four times, he was simply unable to
> >satisfy her again. So the mermaid drowned him in the river.
> >
> >Next the second oldest son woke up. After discovering what had
happened,
he
> >too decided to throw himself into the river.
> >
> >The mermaid said to him, "If you will have sex with me ten times in a
row,
> >I will make everything right." And while the son tried his best
> >(seven times!), it was not enough to satisfy the mermaid, so she
> >drowned him
in
> >the river.
> >
> >The youngest son woke up and saw his parents dead, the dead cow in
> >the field, and his brothers gone. He decided that life was a hopeless
prospect,
> >and he went down to the river to throw himself in.
> >
> >And there he also met the mermaid. "I have seen all that has
> >happened,
and
> >I can make everything right if you will only have sex with me fifteen
times
> >in a row."
> >
> >The young son replied, "Is that all? Why not twenty times in a row?"
> >
> >The mermaid was somewhat taken aback by this request. Then he said,
"Hell,
> >why not twenty-five times in a row?" And even as she was reluctantly
> >agreeing to his request, he said, "Why not THIRTY times in a row?"
> >
> >Finally, she said, "Enough!! Okay, if you will have sex with me
> >thirty times in a row, then I will bring everybody back to perfect
> >health."
Then
> >the young son asked, "Wait! How do I know that thirty times in a row
won't
> >kill you like it did the cow?"
-
Originally posted by browniebaobao:
A Woman's Prayer "Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom, to understand a man, to love and to forgive him, and for Patience, for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll just beat him to death. -
Found this on Friendster:
A black man walks into a cafe
one
early morning
and noticed that
he was the only black man there. As he
sat down,
he noticed a
white man behind him. The white man
said, "Colored people are not allowed
here."
The black man turned around and stood
up. He
then said:
"When I was born I was black,"
"When I grew up I was black,"
"When I'm sick I'm black,"
"When I go in the sun I'm black,"
"When I'm cold I'm black,"
"When I die I'll be black."
"But you sir..."
"When you're born you're pink,"
"When you grow up you're white,"
"When you're sick, you're green,"
"When you go in the sun you turn red,"
"When you're cold you turn blue,"
"And when you die you turn purple."
"And you have the nerve to call me
colored!!!"
The black man then sat back down and
the white
man walked away... -
-
Once there lived a little green man.
He lived in a little green house with a little green door.
And little green windows and a little green floor.
One day the little green man decided to take a bath.
And so he turned on his little green tap and bathed with the little green water when suddenly his little green door bell rang.
The little green man hurriedly wrapped his little green tower around himself and approached his little green door to see who it was.
The little green man opened the door and saw a woman standing infront of him.
His little green fingers slipped and he let go of his little green towel which fell on to his little green floor. Exposed now was his little green "thing"
The woman on seeing this dashed as fast as she could away from the little green man and rushed across a road and was instantly knocked down by a truck travelling at 150 miles/h and died instantly on the spot.
The moral of the story: Never cross the road when green man is flashing. Friendly message from the Singapore Traffic Police Force -
Originally posted by r0mE_27:Once there lived a little green man.
He lived in a little green house with a little green door.
And little green windows and a little green floor.
One day the little green man decided to take a bath.
And so he turned on his little green tap and bathed with the little green water when suddenly his little green door bell rang.
The little green man hurriedly wrapped his little green tower around himself and approached his little green door to see who it was.
The little green man opened the door and saw a woman standing infront of him.
His little green fingers slipped and he let go of his little green towel which fell on to his little green floor. Exposed now was his little green "thing"
The woman on seeing this dashed as fast as she could away from the little green man and rushed across a road and was instantly knocked down by a truck travelling at 150 miles/h and died instantly on the spot.
The moral of the story: Never cross the road when green man is flashing. Friendly message from the Singapore Traffic Police Force -
-
Originally posted by redstone:Found this on Friendster:
A black man walks into a cafe
one
early morning
and noticed that
he was the only black man there. As he
sat down,
he noticed a
white man behind him. The white man
said, "Colored people are not allowed
here."
The black man turned around and stood
up. He
then said:
"When I was born I was black,"
"When I grew up I was black,"
"When I'm sick I'm black,"
"When I go in the sun I'm black,"
"When I'm cold I'm black,"
"When I die I'll be black."
"But you sir..."
"When you're born you're pink,"
"When you grow up you're white,"
"When you're sick, you're green,"
"When you go in the sun you turn red,"
"When you're cold you turn blue,"
"And when you die you turn purple."
"And you have the nerve to call me
colored!!!"
The black man then sat back down and
the white
man walked away... -
Originally posted by F Bunta:A woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone."
No more headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?"
His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat 'I do not have a headache; I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache.' It worked! The headaches are all gone."
The husband replies, "Well, that is wonderful."
His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?" The husband agrees to try it.
Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."
He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.
His wife says, "Boy, that was wonderful!"
The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back."
He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time. The wife sits up and her head is spinning.
Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be ! ! right back."
With that , he goes back in the bathroom. This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying, "She's not my wife. She's not my wife. She's not my wife!"
His funeral services will be held on Monday. -
Telephone call:
Person: *dials 12312123*
Machine: Welcome to this company, for enquiries about our company press 1
for enquiries about corporate meetings press 2
to contact our manager press 3
Person: *dials 1*
Machine: May i know what number u press?
Apparently this is a human *machine* -
Joke 1
A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi... You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."
The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You will have to satisfy her sexual urges. You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary is $200,000 a year."
The guy, wide-eyed, says, "You're bullshittin' me!"
The social worker says, "Yeah, well... you started it."
Joke 2
A broke blonde decides to ask God for help. "Dear Lord," she prays, "if I don't get some cash, I'm gonna lose everything. Please let me win the lottery."
Lottery night comes, but the blonde doesn't win. She prays even harder, saying, "God, why have you forsaken me? My children are starving. Please just let me win this once."
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light, and the blonde hears God speak.
"Sweetheart, work with me on this," he says. "Buy a ticket." -
Things You Would Never Know Without Chinese Swordsman Movies
1. Being the hero's parents will always be unlucky and will usually be
killed by enemies when the hero is young and the hero will become an
orphan.
2. When a man is wounded and dying, he always manages to catch his
breath and speak a few sentences to reveal the killer before dropping
his head and being declared dead.
3. Skilled people are able to fly over roof tops, up trees and across
distances without any sweat. But when traveling to towns and villages,
they still have to walk or ride horses.
4. The heroes need not have to work for money, but will always have gold
and silvers with them to pay for their dishes.
5. The heroes and villains will meet each other very often no matter how
big the country is and no matter where they are.
6. Healing internal wounds in the body is as easy as sitting down
cross-legged, palms on the knees and smoke coming out from the head.
7. They can keep a lot of stuff in their sleeves and waistband and never
drop them (carrying especially lots of those gold and silver ingots)
Things You Would Never Know Without Indian Movies
1. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but
will wince when a woman tries to cleanse his wounds.
2. The hero cannot fall in love with the heroine (vice versa) unless
they first perform a dance number in the rain.
3. Once applied, make-up is permanent, in rain or in any other
situation.
4. Two lovers can be dancing in the field and out of nowhere, 100 people
will appear from god-knows-where and join them in the dance.
5. In the final scene, the hero will discover that the bad guy he is up
against is actually his brother and the maid who looked after him is his
mother and the chief inspector is his father and the Judge is his uncle
and so forth.
6. Key English words used in the movie (usually said out loud between
sentences) are No Problem! My God! Get Out!, Shut-up!, Impossible!,
Please forgive me!
7. They fall on the ground and roll and roll while singing and come out
with different clothing.
8. They can run around the coconut trees, singing, battling eyes-lid,
and throwing glances at each other and change clothes all at the same
time without being out of breath. -
GSCE 'O' Levels
Hokkien Exam Paper
Instructions:
1. Read the passage carefully
2. Grade yourself with the grading system at the end of the passage after reading.
3. Not that difficult, chin chai do lah !
Section A: Orrler Exeminetion (60 marks)
Question:
Singalella why become rich ?
Koo zhar wu chee ay char bor kia, Singalella.
She got two sisters, but the stepmarder and the sisters all damn kuai-lan, so she quite zhia-lat oso.
Last time Singalella got own maid, but now she become the amah.
Everyday must cook lah, clean lah, simi sai mah bao-kah-liao.
If her sister say liak kar zhuak, she liak.
Tak jit zho kah tau-hin.
CPF poon boh.
But then, kay piak eh ah-pek got one son call Ah Ming got party.
So he say, "oeh, long chong lai ah."
Singalella very happy because she never go party before but then her step-marder say, "Lee Mana eh-sai kee, this one bahru lu eh sisters wu standard."
Then Singalella must zho sui-sui for her sisters and step-marder.
Tap pai how, buay zhia, buay koon and buay pang-sai.
That night she only can wave bye bye and then she go back to the kitchen and cook Maggi mee.
Her neighbour came over and ask, "Eh, an-zhua lu boh kee party?"
So Singaalella kong, "I-wan, lau-bu kong buay-sai, so boh pian."
She never expect but the neighbour say, "Aiyah, kee lah, I give you money."
So singalella brush teef and zhang-zhui, chen-kor, after that look very different.
She quickly run to opposite of the beh-chia-lor, already 11 o'clock.
At the party, Ah Ming also quite sian because the char bor all boh sui one.
Dance floor even got one ah pek dancing.
Just as Ah Ming told himself, "Aiyah see-pay zhia-lat", Singalella came in.
Ah Ming straight away lau nuar.
"Wah-lau eh, see-pay heng ah, chee kor buay pai."
Ah Ming say to Singalella, "eh, sui eh, wah ai kah lee zho flen!"
Singalella say ok but Ah Ming like octopus, touch here touch there.
But then just it was 12 o'clock, one ah pek die on the dance floor.
He become ghost and tell Singalella all the good 4D number.
So after that Singalella quickly go and buy 4D, and then tiok tau-pio, zhit-pak ban.
So she pay back the kay-piak eh lau-kay-poh and then kah kee cho sen-lee.
Simi kuan eh sen-lee wah mana eh zhai.
Section B: Grades - Gauge Your command of Hokkien....
A1. Can understand the story and pronounce Hokkien correctly.
Hokkien eh sai, bo beh zao.
A2. Can understand half story and/or cannot pronounce Hokkien properly.
zhia lat
E8. Don't understand story and/or catch no ball.
leow leow, mai ka lang kong you is Hokkien Singabolean
F9. Don't understand rating.
kee see lah, wah mana eh zhai lee kong simi? -
A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at
>>work.Unknown to her, her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her
>>husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet.
>>
>>The boy now has company.
>>
>>Boy: "Dark in here."
>>Man: "Yes it is."
>>Boy: "I have a baseball."
>>Man: "That's nice."
>>Boy: "Want to buy it?"
>>Man: "No, thanks."
>>Boy: "My dad's outside."
>>Man: "OK, how much?"
>>Boy: "$250."
>>
>>In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's
>>lover
>>are in the closet together.
>>
>>Boy: "Dark in here."
>>Man: "Yes, it is."
>>Boy: "I have a baseball glove."
>>Man: "How much?"
>>Boy: "$750."
>>Man: "Fine."
>>
>>A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove.
>>Let's go
>>outside and toss the baseball." The boy says, "I can't. I sold
>>them."
>>The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?" The son says,
>>"$1,000." The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your
>>friends
>>like that That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to
>>take
>>you to church and make you confess." They go to church and the
>>father
>>alerts the priest, and makes the little boy sit in the confession
>>booth
>>and closes the door. The boy says, "Dark in here." The priest says,
>>"Don't start that shit again"
>> -
Banta Singh finished his English exam and came out.
His friends asked him how did he do his exam, for that he replied "Exam
was okay, but for the past tense of THINK, I thought, thought, thought and
at
last I wrote THUNK!!!"
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sardar Gurbachan Singh is appearing for his University final examination.
He takes his seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper
for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes his shoes off and
throws them out of the window. He then removes his turban and throws it
away as well.
His shirt, pants, socks and watch follow suit.
The invigilator, alarmed, approaches him and asks what is going on.
Oye, I am only following the instructions yaar," he says, " it says here,
'Answer the following questions in brief'.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two Singhs were sitting outside a clinic. One of them was crying like
hell.
So the other asked, "Why are you crying?"
The first one replied, "I came here for blood test"
Second one asked, "So? Are you afraid ?"
First one replied, " No, not that. During the blood test they cut my
finger"
Hearing this the second one started crying.
The first one was astonished and asked the other, why are you crying?"
The other replied, "I have come for my urine test." -
A YOUNG MAN CALLED ALAN
INVITED HIS MOTHER FOR
DINNER. DURING THE
COURSE OF
THE MEAL, HIS MOTHER
COULDN'T HELP BUT
NOTICE HOW HANDSOME
ALAN'S
FLATMATE
WAS. SHE HAD LONG BEEN
SUSPICIOUS OF A
RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN
THE TWO,
AND
THIS ONLY MADE HER MORE
CURIOUS.
OVER THE COURSE OF THE
EVENING, WHILE WATCHING
THE TWO INTERACT, SHE
STARTED
TO WONDER IF THERE WAS
MORE BETWEEN ALAN AND
HIS FLATMATE THAN MET
THE
EYE.
READING HIS MUM'S
THOUGHTS, ALAN
VOLUNTEERED, "I KNOW
WHAT YOU MUST BE
THINKING, BUT I ASSURE
YOU, SIMON & I ARE JUST
FLATMATES".
A FEW DAYS LATER, SIMON
CAME TO ALAN SAYING,
"EVER SINCE YOUR MOTHER
CAME
TO DINNER, I'VE BEEN
UNABLE TO FIND THE
FRYING PAN, YOU DON'T
SUPPOSE
SHE
TOOK IT DO YOU?" "WELL,
I DOUBT IT, BUT I'LL
E-MAIL HER JUST TO BE
SURE,"
SAID ALAN, SO HE SAT
DOWN AND WROTE:
DEAR MOTHER, I'M NOT
SAYING THAT YOU "DID"
TAKE THE FRYING PAN
FROM MY
HOUSE, I'M NOT SAYING
THAT YOU "DID NOT" TAKE
THE FRYING PAN, BUT THE
FACT
REMAINS THAT IT HAS
BEEN MISSING EVER SINCE
YOU WERE HERE FOR
DINNER.
LOVE ALAN
SEVERAL DAYS LATER,
ALAN RECEIVED AN E-MAIL
FROM HIS MOTHER WHICH
READ:
DEAR SON, I'M NOT
SAYING THAT YOU "DO"
SLEEP WITH SIMON, AND
I'M NOT
SAYING
THAT YOU "DO NOT" SLEEP
WITH SIMON, BUT THE
FACT REMAINS THAT IF HE
WAS
SLEEPING IN HIS OWN
BED, HE WOULD HAVE
FOUND THE FRYING PAN BY
NOW.
LOVE MUM
LESSON OF THE DAY:
DON'T EVER LIE TO YOUR
MOTHER (SHE
ALWAYS,ALWAYS
FINDS OUT!) -
What did the hurricane say to the palm tree? Hold on to your nuts. This is no ordinary blow job!
-
Originally posted by F Bunta:Thus evolved the term "S.H.I.T " , (Ship High In Transit) which has come
down through the centuries and is in use to this very day.
You probably did not know the true history of this word.
is this for real? -
Originally posted by alexkusu:What did the hurricane say to the palm tree? Hold on to your nuts. This is no ordinary blow job!
-
Once, during the gulf war, the President of USA, and the Prime Ministers of UK and Singapore were travelling on a war ship that was cruising near Saudi Arabia. The 3 were talking about how brave their soldiers were but their discussion soon turned into an argument where each wanted to prove the bravery of their own troops.
The President of USA said, "let me show you what is guts", whereupon he called his Colonel and ordered him "Jump into the sea and swim 3 times around this ship!". The Colonel replied "Anything for Uncle Sam, Sir!", jumped into the shark infested sea and swam 3 rounds with the sharks chasing him like mad! After the 3 successful rounds, the Colonel came up to the deck and said, "I did it for Uncle Sam, my President!". The proud President replied "That's what I call guts!"
The Prime Minister of UK was pissed. He called his 3-star General and said "General, jump into the sea and swim 10 rounds around this ship!". The General replied "Anything for the Queen, Sir!", jumped into the shark infested sea and swam 10 rounds with the sharks chasing him like hell! After the 10 successful rounds, the Colonel came up to the deck and said, "Long Live the Queen!". The proud PM replied "That's what I call guts!"
The Prime Minister of Singapore cannot tahan ("tolerate" in Singapore colloquial). He had to show that his soldiers have it too. So he called one of his Privates and said "Soldier, jump into the sea and swim 50 rounds".The Private replied "Ooi, you seow is it ? ("mad" in Hokkien) I just bought my Executive Condo and I am paying through my nose. You want me to jump and die or what? If you want to ya-ya (show off in Malay), you jump into the sea lah". Lee Hsien Loong smiled and said "Now, that's what I call guts!" -
One day, at KK hospital, 4 babies were born....a German baby, a Jewish baby, a Filipino baby and a Singaporean baby. However, by mistake, someone reshuffled the babies and the nurse who was on duty that day couldn't differentiate the babies as they were too young (all babies look alike when they are newly born).
So this poor nurse couldn't figure out how to tell the babies apart....and finally she went to ask the head matron for help.
The head matron thought for a while...then she came up with a really fantastic solution. She put up a serious air and saluted, "Heil Hitler!"
And the German baby saluted, "Heil Hitler!"
The Jewish baby, on seeing the Nazi salute, shit in his diapers.
Then the Singaporean baby, on seeing the mess made by the Jewish baby, turned to the Filipino baby in disgust and said, "Hey you, clean up the mess!" -
Once, during the gulf war, the President of USA, and the Prime Ministers of UK and Singapore were travelling on a war ship that was cruising near Saudi Arabia. The 3 were talking about how brave their soldiers were but their discussion soon turned into an argument where each wanted to prove the bravery of their own troops.
The President of USA said, "let me show you what is guts", whereupon he called his Colonel and ordered him "Jump into the sea and swim 3 times around this ship!". The Colonel replied "Anything for Uncle Sam, Sir!", jumped into the shark infested sea and swam 3 rounds with the sharks chasing him like mad! After the 3 successful rounds, the Colonel came up to the deck and said, "I did it for Uncle Sam, my President!". The proud President replied "That's what I call guts!"
The Prime Minister of UK was pissed. He called his 3-star General and said "General, jump into the sea and swim 10 rounds around this ship!". The General replied "Anything for the Queen, Sir!", jumped into the shark infested sea and swam 10 rounds with the sharks chasing him like hell! After the 10 successful rounds, the Colonel came up to the deck and said, "Long Live the Queen!". The proud PM replied "That's what I call guts!"
The Prime Minister of Singapore cannot tahan ("tolerate" in Singapore colloquial). He had to show that his soldiers have it too. So he called one of his Privates and said "Soldier, jump into the sea and swim 50 rounds".The Private replied "Ooi, you seow is it ? ("mad" in Hokkien) I just bought my Executive Condo and I am paying through my nose. You want me to jump and die or what? If you want to ya-ya (show off in Malay), you jump into the sea lah". The PM smiled and said "Now, that's what I call guts!"