no reason to live. seriously.
-
yeah, i think i should be confident. but after resaerch, i found 100% of people suffering from this phobia has 0 confidence and almost 100% suffer from depression due to their disability.
its really hard to be confident, and no, i cant tell my parents abt it, cos the last time i told they said i was just shy, ill get thru it, damn, i was pissed.
knowing my condition now, its a medical condition, i know i can seek help, and i am going to go thru it alone, without any support from family friends etc, what do they know, they can oni advise etc, but they dont know how it feels inside, so i think i have to rise up alone, its me who decides the changes.
but of course its damn hard, u take 2 steps forward, oni to realise that u fall back 3 steps and thats super demoralizing and that always leads to my depression and giving up.
the panick attacks, anxiety, sweating in front of people are mentally draining, especially if u force urself to relaxed whatsoever etc, and its taking a toll on my life.
friends and teachers always see me skip class, coming to class late, and they will jus gimme a smirk, yeah a smirk, and i know what that means..
i relaly believe in this world there are many good souls. given my condition, there are still people who invited me to their ktv outings. and that time i went. i was with my other good friend. although i cannot converse with him much, i feel quite comfortable with him.
then they asked me to sing..i sang but after that i felt guilty, and super embarrassed cos i thought i had made afool out of myself. then we went to chill out.
then there is this gal who asked me y i was so quiet. damn, i could not answer, and she, again gave me a smirk as in "y the heck u talk so fast and ur like a snobbish idiot"
then we went back home, and to my shock, i was going the same way with another gal in the mrt.
she also did not tlak to me, and in the mrt u shld see how my muscles got tensed and in the end didnt talkto her. she said bye after that. i felt guilty. i knew i shld have done better.
its damn hard to control that negative thinking patterns. i know if i were to go to GP, they would gimme some drugs, but mind u, these drugs are like cocaine or weed, u get addicted, u get relased, and to quit it, u have to go cold turkey! arrgh..
therapy i am not too sure. i know how many therapies i go, its only up to me to force myselfto change, therapies wont help if u cant bring urself forward to change.. -
meeting like minded people!?
nah, tried that. i play chinese chess at the CC. those guys one look at me, then they never talk to me. i oso find hard ot converse, then they talk among themselves. then when its my turn to play chess, some guys would just chip in and play instead of me.
im always getting bullied in that manner. due to the condition, i cant speak up for myself, thus getting bullied, even by the girls, especially their sharp toungues.. -
wao! u could even speak to ur aunt! i cant even speak to my parents properly, let alone aunts and uncles!Originally posted by Oyster Omelette:Yep,i'm coping quite fine now. I'm now having my school holidays currently and waiting for my aunt to call me to meet up with my counsellor. Heh, don't worry, look around you, many people have suffer under the same circumstances. I actually heard that extroverts take up 60% of the world, that's why introverts are usually unacceptable in society. -
I am thinking, the reason that you are shy, is because you are worried at how ppl look at you. Maybe, in your mind, thats why, whenever you tried to initiate conversation, or others who tried to talk to you, you juz clamed up, afraid that you will say the wrong words, or ppl may get the wrong idea abt you. Its this kind of nervous in you, that makes the ppl around you sensing it, and it, in turn makes them uncomfortable to talk to you. And, you feel it too...
This is like a vicious cycle.
Maybe, first of all, you have to try to be a bit thick-skinned. Say anything that comes into your mind. Don't be afraid that ppl will laugh at you, or make fun of you. Worse come to worse, juz have a good laugh after that. Look around you, and you will realise that those ppl who are popular with frens, are those who do not mind being laugh at, or being ridiculed at.
You can do it also. You just have to overcome that emotional barrier.
Look, you are doing a great job here. We are all speaking to you. If you do not want to speak to a counsellor, I would suggest, once you got to know us better, we can organise an outing with you. As we know your problem, we are in a better situation to help you open up and teach you how to get around with ppl. How's that? Juz a suggestion!
-
Try participate actively than wait ppl come n talk 2 u...i also abit like u...but i realise its not that ppl dun wan fren me, its cos i choose not to be frens wit them. Perhaps u hav an overly negative view.... u shud have a positive view of ppl..start by saying Hi, with a smile..it works wonders.
-
didnt read the whole thread. only read the first post.
well, i am very like you.. i have few friends and they're mostly "hi and bye" friends.. and i also dunno why people dislike me and say i snobish or arrogant ..but i'm not..i just dont smile and have a tired look, so i may look a little "bue song" liddat...
i dont really have confidence.. last time i played a basketball match..because i dont have any confidence at all, hence i kept blaming myself if i did something "wrong" like having my ball stolen, or get blocked..since..i never ever participate in bball game with my team and left and quit bball le..
i dunno why leh..people around me always gave me that kinda look like they unhappy with me..so i dont really bother to interact since 2 yrs ago.. i have been a loner for so long and a fear and hatred was formed in me...
entering poly in months...hope i can regain some confidence soon.. so as to have a better life in poly... -
Oh dear...my heart goes out to you.
Keep in mind that other ppl are also just as nervous as you are when they first meet you.
I've got a not-so-nice but foolproof advice :
When you meet a person, look for his/her flaws-be it physically or in his or her mannerisms. Once you've spotted a flaw,aha! Trust me, your self-esteem will be upped a little. Then keep in mind that the person you met also has flaws and shortcomings- just like you ( and the rest of the world!) when you communicate with them.
The logic is : Why are you so fearful of others when you know that EVERYBODY in this world has flaws....? So you may not look like Brad Pitt but the person you met may not have a gd sense of dressing, has bad teeth, horrible nails, etc etc. The point is to bear in mind that everyone else is as flawed as you are. Hence, you don't have to be so self-conscious all the time.
The only thing we can do is minimise the amount of flaws we have by constantly improving ourselves.
-
this post-er has a point. let people like you for who you are, as hackneyed and cliched as that may sound.Originally posted by ILPSY:I am thinking, the reason that you are shy, is because you are worried at how ppl look at you. Maybe, in your mind, thats why, whenever you tried to initiate conversation, or others who tried to talk to you, you juz clamed up, afraid that you will say the wrong words, or ppl may get the wrong idea abt you. Its this kind of nervous in you, that makes the ppl around you sensing it, and it, in turn makes them uncomfortable to talk to you. And, you feel it too...
This is like a vicious cycle.
Maybe, first of all, you have to try to be a bit thick-skinned. Say anything that comes into your mind. Don't be afraid that ppl will laugh at you, or make fun of you. Worse come to worse, juz have a good laugh after that. Look around you, and you will realise that those ppl who are popular with frens, are those who do not mind being laugh at, or being ridiculed at.
You can do it also. You just have to overcome that emotional barrier.
Look, you are doing a great job here. We are all speaking to you. If you do not want to speak to a counsellor, I would suggest, once you got to know us better, we can organise an outing with you. As we know your problem, we are in a better situation to help you open up and teach you how to get around with ppl. How's that? Juz a suggestion!
if they dont like u for who u are, its not worth knowing these people perhaps.
and yes, its obvious you will have no problem communicating with ppple once u get over this hurdle - we are all interested in what you have to say! just look at the rapid responses u are getting
lastly, i second the outing idea. step by step =) -
I feel that congenial should not worry too much about that. Do not let ppl bring you down when they know you are weak in a certain aspect. In this cruel and harsh society, there are bound to be ppl (even though they are married and with a family, things they do outside of their home, spouse and children are no better than the immatured kid next door!) who cover their own flaws by being thick skinned and pushing the blame to others.
If you are a student i suggest concentrating on your studies. If you encounter difficulty in your school work, dun take it too hard. try your best and even if you scored border line or fail a certain subject, do not lose heart. Try to complete your education and get a certification no matter how tough the social circle may be. You dun have to impress others and show off in the crowd. What you can really do need not be justified by your peers.
When you step into the working adult life, there will be many others who will sense your weakness in this areas and exploit it to their advantage. Do not make way or slacken else such ppl will use your weakness to achieve their own ends.
You dun have to be full of friends to be happy, and like what you have said you have go 1 friend whom you can confide to - and one is never too little when it comes to trust.
Cheer up and so what if you cannot socialise? It is not the end of the world. try to make up for this short fall by polishing up your character, skills, knowledge annd physical health. One can be a sociable party but when things go down and wrong, it is the toughest and strongest who survive.
You live for your own life...and that is all the reason you need to stay alife until death takes you. Stay happy and funcky
-
then go and die. serious.Originally posted by Congenial:hello my fellow forumites.
basically just to tell u guys my woes.
i have no friends at all. ok, maybe jus one, since i start my tertiaty education.
when i meet people, i would get nervous, my hands start sweating, i get these negative thoughts etc.
people seem to have this "i detest u" look on their faces. i cannot initiate conversations, i cant joke, i cant make friends. these are things many people take for granted, while me, im longing and desperate for them.
i hava very bad relationship with people. i still remember when i was doing project, i cock things up, my mates started to gossip abt me not doing my stuff etc.. but thats just because i just cannot ask them the specific tasks i am suppose to do, its not because im a slacker..
i have also created many enemies because at times i look snobbish, but deep inside, they donnoe how nervous and worried i am. if only they knew.
when i eat alone in the canteen, there was one of my classmates asking "why u oways eat alone one ah" i feel so embarrased i could die of embarrassment, literally.
even teachers did not spare me. they would be very reluctant to speak to me, let alone meet me. i have a difficulty in asking Qs and when i asked, i look worried and nervous, and teachers would get put off by that.
i am constantly worried, nervous jittery, when around people. they only place i seek solace is at home alone, with my PC.
no matter how many practice i do or how many times i psych myself up, when it comes to people again, i would fall down again.
the more i meet people, the more i get worried and nervous, and the more people are not comfortable with me, and the worst my condition becomes.
i am desperate, really.
i long for friends and stuff, but i know i am not able to get these luxuries.
i have taken down notes for living. and i have found out that my existance does not serve that reasons that i have taken note..
if not for religion, i would have died years ago..
and don't use religion as an excuse; that's for a weakling. serious -
totally spot on manz!Originally posted by ILPSY:I am thinking, the reason that you are shy, is because you are worried at how ppl look at you. Maybe, in your mind, thats why, whenever you tried to initiate conversation, or others who tried to talk to you, you juz clamed up, afraid that you will say the wrong words, or ppl may get the wrong idea abt you. Its this kind of nervous in you, that makes the ppl around you sensing it, and it, in turn makes them uncomfortable to talk to you. And, you feel it too...
This is like a vicious cycle.
thx for summing it for me nice ly
after analysing, i found out that i care too much abt peoples feelings. i feel responsible about hw/what they feel.
i am afraid if i don oblige, it would afect the other party negatively. for example, my friend had asked me to pass him some notes that was abt 10 pages long, but was handwritten. he asked my to send online. i obliged and typed the whole thing on pc. omg, was i a fool or what. i was afraid if i dint do that, he would get affected in some negative ways and i am responsible for that. i jus feel that i cant let people suffer, even at my own expense.
but the painful fact is, after doing so much for people, people just take things for granted. liek the person above, i had asked him to send me something, and he could just said he forgot, and laghed away. i tot that was not fair. and it happened to many occasions already
i oso got a sharp dislike talking to girls as it makes me more nervous worry anxious than talking to boys. i am afriad that i will be seen as a flirt and i am scared that i would say something wrong and hurt their feelings, therefore i nver talk to girls. cos u noe, boys thinking is v different form girls'
i am very obliging till it affects my mental well being and i cant say no, its very hard for me.
when my mom asked me to clean the house, i just do it even though i was super tired. i thought if i dont do it, she will have to do it, and she wil get tired , and i will be responsible for that and that might hurt her.
i think in my entire life, i have never said no to anione, even if it brings fruestrations etc, and the feelings get bottled up.
i keep on dwelling, thinking of the worst that is to come..and it affects what i am doing.. -
n yeah, thx all for that warm response, feel relieved that there are also good people around giving advises.
-
Originally posted by Congenial:totally spot on manz!
thx for summing it for me nice ly
after analysing, i found out that i care too much abt peoples feelings. i feel responsible about hw/what they feel.
i am afraid if i don oblige, it would afect the other party negatively. for example, my friend had asked me to pass him some notes that was abt 10 pages long, but was handwritten. he asked my to send online. i obliged and typed the whole thing on pc. omg, was i a fool or what. i was afraid if i dint do that, he would get affected in some negative ways and i am responsible for that. i jus feel that i cant let people suffer, even at my own expense.
but the painful fact is, after doing so much for people, people just take things for granted. liek the person above, i had asked him to send me something, and he could just said he forgot, and laghed away. i tot that was not fair. and it happened to many occasions already
i oso got a sharp dislike talking to girls as it makes me more nervous worry anxious than talking to boys. i am afriad that i will be seen as a flirt and i am scared that i would say something wrong and hurt their feelings, therefore i nver talk to girls. cos u noe, boys thinking is v different form girls'
i am very obliging till it affects my mental well being and i cant say no, its very hard for me.
when my mom asked me to clean the house, i just do it even though i was super tired. i thought if i dont do it, she will have to do it, and she wil get tired , and i will be responsible for that and that might hurt her.
i think in my entire life, i have never said no to anione, even if it brings fruestrations etc, and the feelings get bottled up.
i keep on dwelling, thinking of the worst that is to come..and it affects what i am doing..
Gawd. My heart goes to you.
As spoken about the vicious cycle, that is THE reason that lived inside people's thoughts you have interacted.
The reflection of how people react to us is when we mimic certain behavioral pattern from our personality that causes this impression they have on us. People stick 'to their own kind' for similarity comfort because we are so used to ourselves, when we exude our personality, we attract those that are relatively similar to us.
You must realise that analysizing and knowing your own plight is not sufficient enough to change ANYTHING.
Topic like yours spring up occasionally; people with social phobia, extreme shyness, etc - truth is, they speak well in the virtual world, but fail to bring this expertise outside the internet. See, you could construct your own thoughts into words here. Probably because you took your time to construct them and in real life, you wouldn't enjoy such luxury of having to pick the correct words... backspace... save and load... etc. You DO have the ability to speak what you want.
However, your mind is jam-pack because you overly analyzes your speech before you speak. Too much consideration, both mental and emotional, and created this deadly clog that gradually grew into a social tumour.
You are like a survivor of a shipwreck, currently living on an island, desire to leave and return back to civilization. But everytime you build your raft and leave the shoreline, the minute the waves gets strong - you throw yourself into the sea and swim back, while you can, to avoid being drown, for you fear that you probably couldn't if it gets too far into the sea.
My advice is simple: in the first place, what DO you have to lose?
You have virtually no friends; so basically you can attempt ANYTHING and you still wouldn't lose anything. Nothing lose nothing = nothing.
Your overly consideration this... consideration that... is undesirable. You have your own fear, no doubt - REMOVE THAT and began afresh. Learn to make friends through the heart and not through your own version psychic means of compatiabiliy.
Change your course, if the things you always do don't work.
P.S: Do you want to have your raft bring you back to civilization ulimately? IT WILL BE TOUGH... GOD PROMISE YOU THIS. But God also gave you an innate courage to handle challenges. You have it, just that you didn't realise how much you can achieve with it. If you are going to die in the island eventually, you might as well attempt to sail out.
Just do it. Don't just analyzise. Do something about it. Began your first step by seeking professional help.
Cheers -
Are you a Virgo or Pisces?
Cheers -
Don't spectaculate. Let the professionals help you. You'll see that they could be much they can do to really help you?Originally posted by Congenial:and i would like to show my appreciation to the forumites who have been very warm and helpful. without this forum, i would not have known my condition. -
Originally posted by gurlndignant:hey first of all, i think it's wonderful that you can talk about this so openly!
believe me, this problem is more rampant than you would imagine, you're really not the only one having difficulty communicating and being in public. it's called social phobia am i right?
my advice to you: do seek treatment. you don't want to be handicapped the whole time. and if you seek help, doctors can presribe you suitable medicine to overcome such difficulties. sometimes it is a chemical imbalance that is causing you to have such problems.
take heart. know that it can be solved!
..... -
for a start you should get out of sgForum, its ruining your life
-
thx for the tip once again people!
even though my mental well being is not that solid yet, but the fact that i know such condition exist soothes me a little.
if not, i would have wondered what was wrong with me..
i have borrowed some books about this condition, and im learning the techniques and tips to deal with it.
yah, i can confirm i have social anxiety.
maybe we could have outing or something if i get better, but it will be a long long time by then.. -
hahah, no manz.Originally posted by evilEmployee:for a start you should get out of sgForum, its ruining your life
in fact, its brought hope.. -
im a pisces btw..Originally posted by Yunhaier: Are you a Virgo or Pisces?
Cheers
..y? -
Take your time....Originally posted by Congenial:thx for the tip once again people!
even though my mental well being is not that solid yet, but the fact that i know such condition exist soothes me a little.
if not, i would have wondered what was wrong with me..
i have borrowed some books about this condition, and im learning the techniques and tips to deal with it.
yah, i can confirm i have social anxiety.
maybe we could have outing or something if i get better, but it will be a long long time by then.. -
Yeah, take your time, man!
This forum is a good start to learn communicating with ppl...
No $$$ to go for an outing... I am broke now... heehee...
Unless its your treat!
-
Yes! Headshot.Originally posted by Congenial:im a pisces btw....y?
after analysing, i found out that i care too much abt peoples feelings. i feel responsible about hw/what they feel.
This part is damn fringing` PISCES!
i am afraid if i don oblige, it would afect the other party negatively. for example, my friend had asked me to pass him some notes that was abt 10 pages long, but was handwritten. he asked my to send online. i obliged and typed the whole thing on pc. omg, was i a fool or what. i was afraid if i dint do that, he would get affected in some negative ways and i am responsible for that. i jus feel that i cant let people suffer, even at my own expense.
but the painful fact is, after doing so much for people, people just take things for granted. liek the person above, i had asked him to send me something, and he could just said he forgot, and laghed away. i tot that was not fair. and it happened to many occasions already
i oso got a sharp dislike talking to girls as it makes me more nervous worry anxious than talking to boys. i am afriad that i will be seen as a flirt and i am scared that i would say something wrong and hurt their feelings, therefore i nver talk to girls. cos u noe, boys thinking is v different form girls'
i am very obliging till it affects my mental well being and i cant say no, its very hard for me.
when my mom asked me to clean the house, i just do it even though i was super tired. i thought if i dont do it, she will have to do it, and she wil get tired , and i will be responsible for that and that might hurt her.
i think in my entire life, i have never said no to anione, even if it brings fruestrations etc, and the feelings get bottled up.
i keep on dwelling, thinking of the worst that is to come..and it affects what i am doing..
P.S: Likely conjunction of Neptune/Mercury in detrimental signs. Poor moon placing as well. Ascendant affliation.
Cheers -
Congenial,
I'm not sure if what I said would be of any help, but there is ample reason why people think you are arrogant. The very fact that you could not allow yourself to sound "silly" made you withdrawn from conversation. It stemed from low self esteem, but on the opposite spectrum, it also mean that your pride is so high that you cannot allow yourself to make a mistake. That is to say, you judge yourself too highly, and you failed to meet your personal expectations. Not that I am out to insult you or to be harsh, but that is precisely why you appear arrogant to others. You don't feel it because it was not your intention, but a subconsciousness of others is, "whats wrong with you? why cant you just relax abit...."
But much as we all tend to think ourselves lowly and that to the extent our very person intruding on their lives is consider a fault.
Do you feel that if you said something silly, and after they are unsure what you're driving at, giving you the HUH look, you felt very bad, and hope that never happened, and that alone is enough to desuade you from speaking to them because of past bad expereinces?
The good news is - all of us experience that...the difference is, most people get over it more quickly than you. You are very introspective (this is actually a gift and common among introverts) but what you need to know is, whilst you can reflect your actions, tis time not to past harsh judgements.
as humans, we are allow the right ot make mistake. and that saying the wrong thing and getting people uncomfortable isnt a big deal. and if you gain that level of confidence...suddenly everyone just wanna talk to you.
One last thing...I was autistic once....and after many years of struggling...I overcome that anxiety and speak to people....it still affects me, but i do not show it...and things seemed to change...most friends viewed me as an extrovert....although i'm not really so.
ur right on one thing...alot comes from yourself. maybe its too awkward to start with your current friends. talk to new people. if you're the one initiating stuff the feeling is very good. that shows u'd got more guts then them. so far few people shun me when i speak to strangers. i used to think people will think im mad...but now i felt it doesnt matter what they think...what matters more is how i feel.Originally posted by Congenial:yeah, i think i should be confident. but after resaerch, i found 100% of people suffering from this phobia has 0 confidence and almost 100% suffer from depression due to their disability.
its really hard to be confident, and no, i cant tell my parents abt it, cos the last time i told they said i was just shy, ill get thru it, damn, i was pissed.
knowing my condition now, its a medical condition, i know i can seek help, and i am going to go thru it alone, without any support from family friends etc, what do they know, they can oni advise etc, but they dont know how it feels inside, so i think i have to rise up alone, its me who decides the changes.
but of course its damn hard, u take 2 steps forward, oni to realise that u fall back 3 steps and thats super demoralizing and that always leads to my depression and giving up.
the panick attacks, anxiety, sweating in front of people are mentally draining, especially if u force urself to relaxed whatsoever etc, and its taking a toll on my life.
friends and teachers always see me skip class, coming to class late, and they will jus gimme a smirk, yeah a smirk, and i know what that means..
i relaly believe in this world there are many good souls. given my condition, there are still people who invited me to their ktv outings. and that time i went. i was with my other good friend. although i cannot converse with him much, i feel quite comfortable with him.
then they asked me to sing..i sang but after that i felt guilty, and super embarrassed cos i thought i had made afool out of myself. then we went to chill out.
then there is this gal who asked me y i was so quiet. damn, i could not answer, and she, again gave me a smirk as in "y the heck u talk so fast and ur like a snobbish idiot"
then we went back home, and to my shock, i was going the same way with another gal in the mrt.
she also did not tlak to me, and in the mrt u shld see how my muscles got tensed and in the end didnt talkto her. she said bye after that. i felt guilty. i knew i shld have done better.
its damn hard to control that negative thinking patterns. i know if i were to go to GP, they would gimme some drugs, but mind u, these drugs are like cocaine or weed, u get addicted, u get relased, and to quit it, u have to go cold turkey! arrgh..
therapy i am not too sure. i know how many therapies i go, its only up to me to force myselfto change, therapies wont help if u cant bring urself forward to change.. -
yeah Yunhaier, the Pisces thing I think is quite true..not too sure though..
no, its not about pride thing or wad..
i dont have any ego or pride etc, and i always think that others are much better than me..much much better.
and the way im coping with this, its really mentally draining and painfull..arrgg