to divorce or not to divorce? need advice.
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then let them be
any news? been to get a 2nd opinion?
again, i hope you and your children will be well...Originally posted by commonsense:er.. i dun think possible lah cos she is like double his size..
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Originally posted by runbox:
thanks for your advice. i will be going down to Legal Aid sometime later this week.
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Here's some of my personal advice for you:
Before you go on a divorce, there are matters which you need to prepare. Try to have a record book of your daily/monthly households expenses, keep all the reciepts of the bills you have paid.
Also, seek help from Legal Aid Bureau in your divorce matter, as they will be able to help you in getting lawyer aid at a subsidised rate.
When lodging in the divorce case, please be truthful with the lawyer and tell them everything. Regarding your husband having an affair outside with another woman and the woman is pregnant with his child; that previously you have ever lodged in a case of him abusing you at Alex. Hosp; how he abuses your kids; and you and your kids are constantly under emontional pressure when he's at home etc.
When the lawyer asks for the terms that you want. You can request for a Police Protection Warrant to deter him from further absuing you and your kids; also request for a Court Order for him to move out of the house immediately and not to stay together in the same house; your kids custody to be under your care; ask for a flat % divide of 70 (you):30 (your husband) and buy over his share of the flat; and also one lump sum of alimony from him (don't request for your alimony to be paid in installaments, b'cause guys like him will go MIA after paying a few months.).
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i've already kept a record of the contacts we have made so far (contents date/time) and family expenses. right now, i'm more concern about my kids' rights than my rights as a woman.. basically i want as much maintenance $ as possible for my 4 kids.
by the way, does anyone know whether his bonuses at the end of the year will be included in the maintenance ruling? -
thanks!Originally posted by a_splash:just want to tell you the same!
All the Best and TAke Great Care of yourself other than your kids!!!! -
actually getting him jailed and making life difficult for him will only be my last resort lah.. unless i really feel threatened. until i'm financially independent, this move won't benefit my kids.Originally posted by varatare:As long as you and him is not divorce, he can sell the flat.
er.. can or cannot ah?
In simple word, if he is married to you and not willing to do a job of the man of the family, there are loopholes in Singapore that can happily make him end up in jail. -
I really feel bad for you but one word of advice, if you are to rebuild your life, please dun count on his alimony too much. You might never see a single cent of it. Its not as simple as the Judge set alimony at a certain amount and you will see it bank into your account every end of the month. They will find all kinds of reasons to delay payment and i wont be surprised he would rather go to jail than to pay you. It happens alot but u gotta make a clean break.
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erm... i consulted 2 lawyers already...Originally posted by smudgey:No matter what I think the first thing u should do is go and consult a lawyer.
give them all the details... i don't think u should let the bastard off so easily BUT it is up to u how far u want to pursue this. BuT please just get back wat u rightfully should get for ur alimony and kids!!!
it sounds as if he does not want to pay alimony or pay much... no matter go consult a lawyer ASAP don't let this drag. i believe even if he quit his job he has to pay. but it's the matter of finding him....
but it can be tricky. cos my ex's father just dissappeared without paying so since no one can find him... there's no payment!!!
bottom line. CONSULT a LAWYER. they can advise you better.
the first woman lawyer was at AWARE .. i reckoned they would be quite PRO in this kind of woman issues .. so the advice she gave was to drag the marriage because by divorcing now, my kids and i would have nothing to gain from it. the flat would have to be split, i'll have to wait another 20+ years before i can get his CPF $$ even if the ruling favours me (20+ yrs is a long time and things would be different by then)... she suggested me to go to Family Court to apply for maintenance instead.. then at least we can be sure to still have a roof over our heads for the time being. so that was her advices to me.
the second was a male lawyer friend.. he said it would be tricky to get alimony outta him because his basic pay is just $1500, though he can easily earn up to $2200+ from his OT and that the court does not punish but will be fair and just to all parties in its ruling... so what he advised is, since my hubby suggested giving us $1200/mth (all bills and expenses included), then i should just take it and leave him alone. in his words, "it's better than nothing".
quite confusing coming from 2 different lawyers.. which is why i wanted to find out the benchmark for such cases and whether the court will take into account his bonuses beside his monthly salary.
3 of my kids are schooling next year lah... so there will be lots of other expenses at the end of the year (school books etc). i will need his bonuses more than he needs it. -
no news leh. school holiday today, so been spending the day with my kids and going to school to enrol my 3rd kid for Pri 1 next year.... calling tuition centers.. and trying to figure out Google Adsense to see how it works (heard can earn $ from it.. not too sure).... then also sending out resumes for part-time/home-based jobs (for those unemployed out there.. Republic Poly hiring! http://www.rp.sg/careers/others/index.asp ).Originally posted by the Bear:then let them be
any news? been to get a 2nd opinion?
again, i hope you and your children will be well...
he should be having his ICT now lah.. hoping against hope that he probably want to enact the sucide by the NSF police CPL... then that will truly be a clean break for me. kekke
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ya lor.. his peers and colleagues are mostly divorcees.. all very PRO at such tricks.. that's why i'm trying to find jobs lah (for now it'll have to be a job that allows me to juggle my kids and work)... afterall i'll have a few more decades to go.. so i definitely have to be self-reliant. no two ways about it.Originally posted by Goondu74:I really feel bad for you but one word of advice, if you are to rebuild your life, please dun count on his alimony too much. You might never see a single cent of it. Its not as simple as the Judge set alimony at a certain amount and you will see it bank into your account every end of the month. They will find all kinds of reasons to delay payment and i wont be surprised he would rather go to jail then to pay you. It happens alot but u gotta make a clean break. -
very honestly, it was a shotgun marriage lah. i was 19 then.. naive and ignorant.Originally posted by drx:"my hubby grew up in a single-parent family. his father and uncles are ALL womanizers and have mistresses and offsprings everywhere. i'm not joking."
just wondering why will you chose a guy like him in the first place?
If you knew that there is problems with his family why marry him?
Are you forced to marry him in the first place?
Just need to know to help others to avoid people like him.
the irony is, i had wanted to abort the baby but he (and his mom) insisted we get married. my parents didn't agree.. because they had felt he wasn't as decent as he looked. anyway i deliberated for quite long and he (and his mom) seemed very sincere... so eventually we ROM about 3 weeks before my first kid was born... so that was what happened.
as for his family background.. nobody tell me a thing prior to ROM leh! all i know was that he hated his father because of HIS abusive nature towards his mom.. and he told me "THAT IS NEVER THE WAY TO TREAT A WIFE!"... man... at that point of time, how not to believe him leh... i mean.. he really HATES his dad one leh.. can see from the way he treated his father as invisible..
as for the polygamy trait in his family.. it was only when we were serving tea on the customary marriage day (er.. 5 months after ROM) that i realised something strange... i found it funny lor.. how come there is another woman sitting beside my father-in-law ... and i was told to address her as ' ah yi' .. i thought nothing of it lah.. cos she was very well-dressed and elegant.. never thought she is the 2nai of my not-so-yandao and slobby-looking father-in-law... sighs who knows.....
as for his uncles, i only knew about it recently.. one just got divorced by his wife because of adultery, the other already have teens kids with the other woman and the wife is living with it..
initially i thought marriage is between 2 persons lah.. family background doesn't really matter.. so i did not bother to probe into his family history. these past two years i've somewhat know he has more monkey biz outside from the way he behave discreetly, taking great care in his appearance, getting and sending sms before he sleep and so on.. i have confronted even with evidence in the form of his SMS (msg like .. he: i have reach home liao. goodnight.. she: goodnight dear)
my parents (they live a floor above my flat) had also asked me why was it that they always saw him talking on the phone at the void deck after he came back from work. i still tried to help him 'save some face' by telling my parents that he was talking to his colleague about some urgent matters at work... aiyah.. fact is, i didn't even know he was down there talking on the phone while i waited at home to eat dinner with him and such.
c'mon lah.. i may be a housewife, but i'm not ignorant like what i was a decade ago leh. but each time when i confronted him (with those SMS he forgot to delete), it ended up in a fight or he got defensive and said i'm imagining things. and when i don't confront, he can conveniently 'spend a night at east coast alone' and not come home.
i've tried to ask my mom-in-law for help lah.. but his mom told me.. "nevermind lah... you just tolerate lor.. don't quarrel and get beaten up mah!.. the kids will suffer if you quarrel with him.. as long as he doesn't bring the women back then it is not a problem wat!... just let him do what he wants outside lor.. at least he still bring $$ back to you right? he still has sex with you right?? not like his father! ... you have to understand.. he grew up with little luxuries and without a father to love him.. you both married too young lah!... so it is understandable that he still wants to fool around.. blah blah..." nabei... she should have told me this 11 years ago and not now.......
now that he wants to divorce. great lah! i asked mom-in-law whether this is considered 'bringing women back' or not.. and she didn't dare to go on and on anymore.
on hindsight.. i shouldn't have close an eye for so long! i feel so stupid.
still, the greatest blessings that came out of all this bullshti is that, i know for sure now that no matter how disobedient i used to be, my parents are still the ones who stand by me in times of crisis. my bros too.
and also, s'poreans aren't as mercenery or heartless or selfish as what the media portrays lah.. consider the overwhelming encouragement and advices i got from virtual people in the forums. i want to say thanks to all here for all the words you've said and the benefit of doubts given to my side of story, consider you don't even know me in person. thanks! -
Wish you all the best. i will pray hard for you.
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Opps Sorry typo mistake.
Well if the flat is under both your name and his name, he cant sell it without you approve. At least that will settle the "where to stay problem".
Not to worry, I am not asking you to get him to jail. Getting him to jail or not is not my concern. But do know where your rights are. Before you are financially independent (which could take some time) you need him to pay the household money for you and the children. Yet you cant have him taking that as a threat and endanger yourself and the kids, especially. Knowing that you have the power to get his ass in jail will first secure your financial until you are ready and second enable you to protect yourself and your childrens physically.Originally posted by commonsense:actually getting him jailed and making life difficult for him will only be my last resort lah.. unless i really feel threatened. until i'm financially independent, this move won't benefit my kids. -
I feel sorry for u. U are lucky u have supportive family.
Be strong & learn from this.
My former colleagues went through bitter divorces. Their irresponsible husbands didn't pay alimony/ purposely delay payments. They broke down & cried many times cos very stressful having to attend court to chase alimony.
One husband even disposed of his prop./ asset so his wife can't lay her hands on them. He didn't want the kid. Not all guys are honorable, so their wives have to learn to protect themselves.
Always make sure u keep a separate a/c. so he cannot squander yr money.
One fren, purposely inflate household expenses so she can squrriel some money away.
Also when he starts behaving abnormally/ suspiciously, confront him.
Don't let him continue.
My advise to all the girls- don't marry in haste. Check the guy out. Date him for at least 3 yrs. Visit his family. Avoid pple from dysfunctional families- they are trouble. Also don't have too many kids & have them only after yr marriage is stable. Divorce is so common now. Feel sorry for the kids cos they suffer emotionally. -
Please go to this page for detail:
http://www.familycourtofsingapore.gov.sg/
Best is look for Family Counselling before you do anything.
I am divorce too, so is best you go Family Counselling first for advice. -
I'm not sure how to advice u on this as although my parents did divorce, it was a very quiet affair. ( only got to know abt it 10years later)
I guess right now what you can do other than these divorce things is to try to get some other income. try job agencies... etc... ( i know it's the obvious)
how are your kids taking all these? probably should monitor them... sometimes we will try not to show the effects to not make our parents worry... but we need talking to at times... -
commonsense: i just went to ur "homepage" thru ur profile.
are u sure that's necessary?
anyway.. best of luck to u. i'll be honest, definitely you're the victim here, but after seeing that page, hmm.
maybe u just needed to get things off ur chest... which i'm sure posting here helps more than that site.. -
yo thanks!Originally posted by tlli:Wish you all the best. i will pray hard for you. -
ok.. i will bear that in mind if things get uglier. thanks!Originally posted by varatare:Opps Sorry typo mistake.
Well if the flat is under both your name and his name, he cant sell it without you approve. At least that will settle the "where to stay problem".
Not to worry, I am not asking you to get him to jail. Getting him to jail or not is not my concern. But do know where your rights are. Before you are financially independent (which could take some time) you need him to pay the household money for you and the children. Yet you cant have him taking that as a threat and endanger yourself and the kids, especially. Knowing that you have the power to get his ass in jail will first secure your financial until you are ready and second enable you to protect yourself and your childrens physically. -
yes i've learnt a lot from this. life will be even harder in future, so i don't really have a choice but to be strong.Originally posted by gerrykoh:I feel sorry for u. U are lucky u have supportive family.
Be strong & learn from this.
My former colleagues went through bitter divorces. Their irresponsible husbands didn't pay alimony/ purposely delay payments. They broke down & cried many times cos very stressful having to attend court to chase alimony. -
yah.. i'm monitoring my kids too.. also getting their teachers in school to help detect any 'abnormal' behaviour displayed by them.Originally posted by smudgey:how are your kids taking all these? probably should monitor them... sometimes we will try not to show the effects to not make our parents worry... but we need talking to at times...
my kids were pretty sullen when my hubby came back to get his stuff the other day. they went back to their room to watch TV and only came out after he left. previously they would still greet him and so on. erm.. sorry but from your experience, is that normal or is there a problem? -
no it is not necessary. you're right. i put it up on impulse after his woman scolded my son the other night over the phone and i later found him alone in his room crying.Originally posted by jOhO:commonsense: i just went to ur "homepage" thru ur profile.
are u sure that's necessary?
anyway.. best of luck to u. i'll be honest, definitely you're the victim here, but after seeing that page, hmm.
maybe u just needed to get things off ur chest... which i'm sure posting here helps more than that site..
i've taken it down. thanks for the bluntness. -
it must be tough.Originally posted by commonsense:no it is not necessary. you're right. i put it up on impulse after his woman scolded my son the other night over the phone and i later found him alone in his room crying.
i've taken it down. thanks for the bluntness.
let's all give u a cyber hug. -
oh btw.. if u do have instances where u need to scold and fuCk and let it off ur chest... do it here, give us ur best profanities..
hehe.. sorree, very the off topic here.
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bloody lag! *double post*
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yo! i just realised they have online services. i've submitted the forms and see what they are about. many thanks!Originally posted by MeOwSuSan:Please go to this page for detail:
http://www.familycourtofsingapore.gov.sg/
Best is look for Family Counselling before you do anything.
I am divorce too, so is best you go Family Counselling first for advice. -
eh.. can ah?? erm.. today no ammo..Originally posted by jOhO:oh btw.. if u do have instances where u need to scold and fuCk and let it off ur chest... do it here, give us ur best profanities..
hehe.. sorree, very the off topic here. .. next time... next time..