Anyone can help: Maintaining love without getting physical?
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Hi,
Previously r/p had been quite stable. But now we are having some problems. And we are evaluating our r/p.
My stand is "I should not force myself to do something I don't like just for the sake of pleasing him or satisfying his needs".
Why do I always have to be the one giving in to his request? -
Screw him.Originally posted by florajoy:Hi,
Previously r/p had been quite stable. But now we are having some problems. And we are evaluating our r/p.
My stand is "I should not force myself to do something I don't like just for the sake of pleasing him or satisfying his needs".
Why do I always have to be the one giving in to his request?
No, I don't mean literally.
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Yo timble.Originally posted by timble:Keep breaking up till one finds the "right" guy?
Aren't guys the same? sigh..
Something bad happened?
I know you're quite a objective person.
But this post did hit raw nerves.
You want to eleborate on your statement?
Like i've said before:
If you've walk the whole world and took on every person there is on earth.
I will not interfere. But for now, it's best to thread on this topic wisely.
Cheers -
Oops sorry...didn't mean to influence any possible decision of the posters.Originally posted by M©+square:Yo timble.
Something bad happened?
I know you're quite a objective person.
But this post did hit raw nerves.
You want to eleborate on your statement?
Like i've said before: If you've walk the whole world and took on every person there is on earth.
I will not interfere. But for now, it's best to thread on this topic wisely.
Cheers
Felt that way after viewing some similar posts in the forum. IMHO, in a relationship,most guys tend to place higher importance on physical intimacy than girls. They feel deprived and a little unbalance if they are doing less than their previous relationship. Without the intense feeling arising from physical contact, it doesn't make them feel like they are in a relationship.
Just like girls, once they have given in, it is hard for them not to do that in the second relationship as it doesn't seem "fair" to their next bf.
I have no solution to that but I just feel that breaking up might not solve the problem that could exist in another relationship.
Temptations are everywhere. Even a seemingly proper, philosophical guy could be looking out for sexual pleasures. It's human nature?
I used to think that a guy who has "played" it all will be faithful, and will not be tempted. Alas, it's not the case(Hence, aren't guys the same?).
Most guys instinctively look out for instant stimulations/pleasures. These are important to them, be it visuals (sexy babes), fantasies (uniform temptations), ONS whatever. Since these are available almost readily.. young, pretty, sexy girls doing it for free... why can't their gfs do the same? So guys protest to their gfs, without taking into account their feelings/ values. Not all girls are as open-minded. Not all girls are willing to cross the boundary before marriage. That's when guys would feel that the girls are not loving them enough and keep pressuring them.
How many "serious" relationships could we have in a lifetime? If all other aspects are fine, tell him how you feel, frankly and observe his reaction. The most ideal way would to be able to work things out together.
However, it's also important not to lose yourself and your values in the process. You have your family to think of, you have yourself to think of...showing that you love him in other aspects may help. But it may be really hard to restrict him totally. (A fren even suggested to his gf that he could outsource that portion. Would that be fine with u?)
So be prepared for the worst. At the end of the day, you must be able to face yourself, with or without another bf. -
IMO, all guys have sex drives. This "try to get lucky" behavior is very typical. I'd be worried if my guy isn't interested in me sexually.Originally posted by florajoy:And there are times where bf would try his luck (possible sex) and I constantly have to remain clear headed (so that I can stopped him).
Whenever that happens I would remind him, he would promise not to try. Few months later, he would forget and try again. -
Hihi florajoy! I think we hold the same value!Originally posted by florajoy:Hi,
I'm facing similar intimacy issues.
Me and bf have been havin very intimate and heavy petting for the past 3 yrs. But recently, I had a pregnancy scare. Now I have this fear and do not wish to be too intimate with my boy. I will go no further than kissing and hugging.
But bf not understanding. Kept saying tat r/p cant do w/o physical intimate contact. If no intimacy, we are jus like ordinary friends. Said tat he can be more careful in future. And he is losing patience.
But... I jus cant do it...
Can anyone advise wat I should do?
I have talk to my bf about this issue, trying to set a clear limit before anything happens but he mention that petting is normal! Which of course i dont agree.
In the end, nothing is resolve or stated regarding this topic. Looks like he don't agree with my view.
florajoy: Is your heavy petting refering to hand job? Is it likely to get pregnant with that too?
Honestly i am rather on confused side because this is my first encounter with man. And my first time trying to find a definition to all these terms when previously i never put a second thoughts to it. -
It is possible. not going to be easy (he is a guy... and guys have higher "needs" in this sense)... but it can be done.
just remember why u are abstaining. don't abstain for the sake of it nor have sex for the sick of having sex... most important
Do not have sex thinking it'll save your relationship or make him love you more...Originally posted by Jean3:Maintaining love without getting physical, possible?
I am recently starting my first relationship with a guy whom is older and have experience in long term relationship before. I am serious abt this r/s. But I am unsure abt whether, is it possible to maintain the relationship without any sexual activities? Not even those...well, so call hand job? Correct me if i am wrong. There is no specific reason for me to say a 'No" to this but jus wana to wait for a longer period maybe after a yr or two, but how can i negotiate this with him then? Will it be too much if i say 'No' all the way? -
Agree.. i am a guy.. and i do "try" once in a while......Originally posted by choco B:IMO, all guys have sex drives. This "try to get lucky" behavior is very typical. I'd be worried if my guy isn't interested in me sexually.
I think for a gal, she shouldn't feel too "pressured" by it. guys are just being guys..... if the gal is not "ready" just tell the guy so.... -
Jean3,Originally posted by Jean3:Hihi florajoy! I think we hold the same value!
I have talk to my bf about this issue, trying to set a clear limit before anything happens but he mention that petting is normal! Which of course i dont agree.
In the end, nothing is resolve or stated regarding this topic. Looks like he don't agree with my view.
florajoy: Is your heavy petting refering to hand job? Is it likely to get pregnant with that too?
Honestly i am rather on confused side because this is my first encounter with man. And my first time trying to find a definition to all these terms when previously i never put a second thoughts to it.
Please do not try to "pre-empt" an issue before it happen..... If he "suggest" that petting is "common", you just need to state ur stand if u don't agree.
I am sure he will understand and respect ur decision... but I have a suggestion, please don't close the door on anything.. after a while, you might want to be closer physiclaly with ur bf when u guys know each other more..... right?
So you should just tell him that when u r "ready" you will let him know... it will at least give him some "hope" instead of dismissing it completely. As a guy, i think i can empathize that a "total rejection" can be quite hurting..... just imagine u initiating intimacy with ur man and then he turn u down outright.... how will U feel?
it is almost impossible to gett preg with HJ, i think florajoy is referring to "heavier" stuff.... -
Hihi Spencer99Originally posted by spencer99:Jean3,
Please do not try to "pre-empt" an issue before it happen..... If he "suggest" that petting is "common", you just need to state ur stand if u don't agree.
I am sure he will understand and respect ur decision... but I have a suggestion, please don't close the door on anything.. after a while, you might want to be closer physiclaly with ur bf when u guys know each other more..... right?
So you should just tell him that when u r "ready" you will let him know... it will at least give him some "hope" instead of dismissing it completely. As a guy, i think i can empathize that a "total rejection" can be quite hurting..... just imagine u initiating intimacy with ur man and then he turn u down outright.... how will U feel?
it is almost impossible to gett preg with HJ, i think florajoy is referring to "heavier" stuff....
Thanks for the advice. I will try not to take the matter so out right into him again, maybe when things happen then i will try to stop it if i am not comfortable : )
U are right is best to wait till i am comfortable and at ease and not under any pressurized conditions. -
I think the stronger the determination to abstain from sex, the stronger the love it will grow and the stronger and further the marriage will go.
The boy will grow to be a man who can exercise restrain.
When a boy can't exercise restrain and get physically deeper and deeper,
do you think a spoilt boy can exercise restrain when prettier-sexier girls make friends with him?
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Originally posted by timble:
Yes, you are right. It is human nature.
Temptations are everywhere. Even a seemingly proper, philosophical guy could be looking out for sexual pleasures. It's human nature?
Men -- at least the strong-willed ones -- could curb their nature, but none of them -- at least the truthful ones -- could deny it. It's there, all the time. And because it's always there, it's exactly like what you said, wherever they look, "temptations are everywhere". The testosterone kicks in, and the men face a constant struggle battling their biological instincts.
We could, however, look at it from a rational, male-driven point of view. If not for sexual desires, how would men be driven to "be fruitful and multiply"?
"To deny our own impulses is
to deny the very thing that makes us human."
-- Mouse, "The Matrix" -
Hi Jean3,
When I said heavy petting, I mean hand job and oral sex.
My bf is angry with the fact that I do not wish to maintain the same level of intimacy as before. He felt that without such intimacy we would be just like ordinary friends (and not couple who are in a relationship).
Have asked him to give me more time to consider. But he thinks that I'm just trying to avoid the issue. So every time we meet, he is pestering me for some actions.
I'm feeling so frustrated and suffocating whenever I have to meet him.
Sigh......... -
Anybody ever heard of virgin wife?
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Hi Florajoy
Do you regret starting on heavy petting with your boyfriend? Do you think is hard to refrain from heavy petting especially in couplehood? What do you intend to do now? -
Hi Jean3,
I really regretted starting the heavy petting. Because now bf finds it ridiculous to stop doing it (despite knowing I'm feeling insecure and frightened).
Of course, there would be temptations at times, but both parties need to stand firm. And the guy should be understanding towards the gf if she is not willing to advance to another level of intimacy.
I have absolutely no idea what I can do. Feeling so frustrated, disappointed and troubled. And it's affecting my health and work.
Sob... Sob... -
Don't let the tiger smell blood if you're not willing to feed it.
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Hi Florajoy
I think is really hard to stop it now, because he might have his fear that, you might have someone else in mind, especially when now your refuse to be close to him.
Maybe you can sit down and talk to him, telling him that thou you might refuse getting physical, but your heart is still whole heartly his.
Is this good idea? -
I do share florajoy's frustration, because i also don't know how to handle this kind of situation, especially when now i am new to relationship and trying to keep thing at a slower pace, but yet when times i stop at a point (i can only accept kissing), he might not be very happy about it, although in my case he did not really voice it out, but i can feel it.
Everytime when the agreement is stated, next moment the line is being cross once again. I am not sure if things were to go on so fast, will i lose my stand sooner or later. I really hope to keep thing at slower rate now.
Sometimes i began to wonder, is there really no pure love or couplehood without getting physical. Can this kind of standard or love be maintain throughout the relationship.
Sometimes i do wish i am just a little girl hoping to just hold hand with the boy i love and walking in a beautiful garden together...... -
Hello.....
I believe u shouldnt feel uneasy or uncommfortable at all...... (to jean3 and florajoy)
Just tell ur BF, u dont want to, because u r a girl and u have ur own values. Ur values is different with his. The man should understand this and respect this, just like how he respects ur religion or ur language or how u treat ur family. It's part of ur values, part of u. Im sure most men will understand. -
No need say No, no need say say, just ask him get approval from your mama...Originally posted by Jean3:Maintaining love without getting physical, possible?
I am recently starting my first relationship with a guy whom is older and have experience in long term relationship before. I am serious abt this r/s. But I am unsure abt whether, is it possible to maintain the relationship without any sexual activities? Not even those...well, so call hand job? Correct me if i am wrong. There is no specific reason for me to say a 'No" to this but jus wana to wait for a longer period maybe after a yr or two, but how can i negotiate this with him then? Will it be too much if i say 'No' all the way?
If he dares to, means he knows nothing wrong...
If he doesn't dare to, he of course know it's wrong, but he just wanna insist on you what he knows is wrong...
This type of loser still wants... Amitaba to you...
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Jean3, if u feel u are not ready to give more than kissing, by all means stop him. I always feel that both relationship moving towards intimacy, is all starting from both feelings towards each other; of course we have to be responsible to ourselve.Originally posted by Jean3:I do share florajoy's frustration, because i also don't know how to handle this kind of situation, especially when now i am new to relationship and trying to keep thing at a slower pace, but yet when times i stop at a point (i can only accept kissing), he might not be very happy about it, although in my case he did not really voice it out, but i can feel it.
......
That is nothing wrong or right to get to intimacy with ur man, but only u know what u are doing & prepare in any consequence that arrive(muz be MATURE!!!)
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Originally posted by Jean3:I do share florajoy's frustration, because i also don't know how to handle this kind of situation, especially when now i am new to relationship and trying to keep thing at a slower pace, but yet when times i stop at a point (i can only accept kissing), he might not be very happy about it, although in my case he did not really voice it out, but i can feel it.
Everytime when the agreement is stated, next moment the line is being cross once again. I am not sure if things were to go on so fast, will i lose my stand sooner or later. I really hope to keep thing at slower rate now.
Sometimes i began to wonder, is there really no pure love or couplehood without getting physical. Can this kind of standard or love be maintain throughout the relationship.
Sometimes i do wish i am just a little girl hoping to just hold hand with the boy i love and walking in a beautiful garden together...... -
get married ...Originally posted by florajoy:Hi,
I'm facing similar intimacy issues.
Me and bf have been havin very intimate and heavy petting for the past 3 yrs. But recently, I had a pregnancy scare. Now I have this fear and do not wish to be too intimate with my boy. I will go no further than kissing and hugging.
But bf not understanding. Kept saying tat r/p cant do w/o physical intimate contact. If no intimacy, we are jus like ordinary friends. Said tat he can be more careful in future. And he is losing patience.
But... I jus cant do it...
Can anyone advise wat I should do? -
that is a very self centered thinking ....Originally posted by florajoy:Hi,
Previously r/p had been quite stable. But now we are having some problems. And we are evaluating our r/p.
My stand is "I should not force myself to do something I don't like just for the sake of pleasing him or satisfying his needs".
Why do I always have to be the one giving in to his request?