Is a guy who used verbal abuse on his gf, worth holding on?
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i think u should keep your options open for someone better
and then lose the bum
once he knows he can't take you for granted anymore
he will start appreciating you moreOriginally posted by sweetevil:It all started with vulgarities before NS during JC but as time past, it became worse and worse. Even he doesn't know the answer and why is he behaving this way. He kept apologizing and promising that he will never repeat the same mistake again. Seems like promises are meant to be broken? -
Originally posted by sweetevil:Is a guy who uses verbal abuse on his gf, worth holding on? Many times, i have been verbally abused whenever we argued with each other even over the slightest things. We quarrel almost anything under the sun and moon. I am sick and tired of the way he treats me when he loses his temper not because its my fault, you know it takes 2 hands to clap, but sometimes he gets really over sensitive and just simply never learned to close one eye on puny matters. He always thinks he is in the right even though he is really in the wrong. I am really sick and tired to have to keep forgiving him and is it true that promises are meant to be broken? Just because I can everytime stomach every mean things he said to me, that he can take it for granted? We've been together for almost 5years and I'm his first girlfriend.
After the argument, often he would apologized and always giving me 'broken' promises that he will not use vulgarities on me anymore. Time and time again, I would just forgive him since because I still love him. People tend to change over the years, either for the better or for the worse. His attitude changed for the worse, definitely and if you asked me if I am still happy with this relationship, I'll say a Yes and a No. He still does shower me with love and care and i do feel pampered. He often talked to me about our future and what he wants the best for us. He impressed me with his matured and future insights. Now, looking back I am so worried and a little afraid to spend my life with him because I do not want my husband to talk to me that way. It is really hard to change a leopard's spot, right? If he can treat me like this now, what would be the future? His temper and attitude is getting out of hand, but I can say that I am numbed already because I used to cry so much and even resort to using pen knife to inflict the pain on body.. but not anymore now.. coz i know It's not worth it.
My friends used to tell me he is not good enough for me in terms of looks. But why should I care? I love him for who he is and not what he is. He does has his own good points like always putting himself into other's shoes, sensitive(but too much can really kill me), and he is filial to his parents(family orientated, husband type of material) and etc, which i see most young guys nowadays lack in these qualities. If a guy really loves his gf, he shouldn't even be using vulgarities in the first place right? When my guy friends tell me that I should let go of this relationship and wait for someone better, someone who treasures me more. Because if he treats me this way, that means he is not afraid to lose me right? But on the other hand, he is so protective yet loving, he doesnt likes guys to stare at me. Whenever other guys are looking at me, he will give stare back at them and give the "DONT-FCUKING-STARE-AT-MY-GF" attitude, which can be quite undesirable especially in the public and we will end up quarrelling because of 'they staring at me and because I wear too revealing clothes which I don't think it is all that revealing
I will be so embarrased and sad He's serving the nation now and next year would be his last year. My friends told me that if he is still in the army he should even treasure me more? I think any other normal girlfriends will not stand his boyfriend mistreating her right? Moreover, he is doing national service now. I do have guy friends who like me, but I know my limits. He is not romantic i dont mind but I prefer my boyfriend to be romantic. I dont know what I want 
Perhaps, I should be contented with what I have
Can you guys tell me what is true love? To me, true love is also about accepting your partner's flaws, but he sees it otherwise. He thinks that if you love him/her, you should try to change yourself for the better. Well, thats true. I did try my best to change for the better. I hate it so much when he keep asking me to change my attitude when we quarrel. I mean who doesnt gets furious and sarcastic with his remarks when one is angry? I admit when i get really angry, I would be really sarcastic but more often that not I will try not to argue with him and stomach his temper towards me
Please give me some advice on what I should do or should not do. It will be greatly appreciated.
It seemed that you are perfectly fine with him EXCEPT his excessive usage of profanity during arguments and wounded you verbally. Plus a tint of possessiveness to spice things up a little.
He is probably the kind of guys who doesn't knows how to win a verbal conflict through other means, thus his dependence on strong vulgarities to:
I) Enhance strength through words
II) Psychologically 'win' you over through power.
*** Knowing the reasons why isn't sufficient, here, you are facing a man who is oblivious to his fault, or at least, doesn't think that it is really affecting his relationship. Because he doesn't feel threaten in a way, there is no need for him to make improvement and he expects you to suit to him (even to accept him for who he is... is basically a mindset change to suit him isn't it?).
This is usually very common behaviour in any first relationship. For you who have been through three relationship, your experience and everything else probably tells you that 'Hey, this guy may have this fault, but by comparing all three, he is so much better.' while your guy is merely 'this is WHAT I feel...'
Too self absorbed for his own good.
*** You are afraid to move on; not exactly because of the relationship, but rather, you fear that you may make a wrong decision to leave him.
He has to know that what he is doing is degenerating the relationship. If this message is send across firmly, fear will set him to evolve. I am a firm believer of negative-positive; only when one is about to lose something before he would do anything to secure it.
By then, it may mean nothing to you and may have decide to leave the relationship. Regardless, a decision will definitely surface by then.
Cheers -
Well said!! It's his darn problem..!!Originally posted by nuchio:your bf is insecure... and it is not because of you.
he will still be insecure even if h is with another woman less worthy of him or isnt the least pretty.
this is his problem by the way and have absolutely nothing to do with you. having said that ...
DO YOU REALLY WANT TO CARRY ON LIKE THIS WITH HIM?
your problem - you hold onto the past .. and what you believe are the right qualities.
people change, like you said. so you should review the relationship in question. maybe it is time for things to change too.
question - how will you feel if he continue with his ways?
will you still be able to hold your head up high as a woman?
can you live like that with him?
if not, it is time to let go and move on. -
Loose that Zero n get yourself a Hero! he he.. well..what they say is true la. Maybe tell him calm down a bit lo ya.
Yun Hair pretty much listed it all out. Unless u wanna refute what he said lo . -
Originally posted by Yunhaier:
Hey Yunhaier, It seemed that you are perfectly fine with him EXCEPT his excessive usage of profanity during arguments and wounded you verbally. Plus a tint of possessiveness to spice things up a little.
He is probably the kind of guys who doesn't knows how to win a verbal conflict through other means, thus his dependence on strong vulgarities to:
I) Enhance strength through words
II) Psychologically 'win' you over through power.
*** Knowing the reasons why isn't sufficient, here, you are facing a man who is oblivious to his fault, or at least, doesn't think that it is really affecting his relationship. Because he doesn't feel threaten in a way, there is no need for him to make improvement and he expects you to suit to him (even to accept him for who he is... is basically a mindset change to suit him isn't it?).
This is usually very common behaviour in any first relationship. For you who have been through three relationship, your experience and everything else probably tells you that 'Hey, this guy may have this fault, but by comparing all three, he is so much better.' while your guy is merely 'this is WHAT I feel...'
Too self absorbed for his own good.
*** You are afraid to move on; not exactly because of the relationship, but rather, [b]you fear that you may make a wrong decision to leave him.
He has to know that what he is doing is degenerating the relationship. If this message is send across firmly, fear will set him to evolve. I am a firm believer of negative-positive; only when one is about to lose something before he would do anything to secure it.
By then, it may mean nothing to you and may have decide to leave the relationship. Regardless, a decision will definitely surface by then.
Cheers [/b]
Thanks for such a detail analysis u have given to me. And also, Thanks everyone for giving your 2cents worth. I really appreciate it. But advices are advices, when it comes to matters of heart concerns, hardly any advice can get into my heart.. cause the heart has no ears and doesnt think. My question now is, does he still deserve another chance? But I don't think that verbal abuse should even be in the dictionary of a relationship to begin with. -
Hmm...Originally posted by nuchio:your bf is insecure... and it is not because of you.
he will still be insecure even if h is with another woman less worthy of him or isnt the least pretty.
this is his problem by the way and have absolutely nothing to do with you. having said that ...
DO YOU REALLY WANT TO CARRY ON LIKE THIS WITH HIM?
your problem - you hold onto the past .. and what you believe are the right qualities.
people change, like you said. so you should review the relationship in question. maybe it is time for things to change too.
question - how will you feel if he continue with his ways?
will you still be able to hold your head up high as a woman?
can you live like that with him?
if not, it is time to let go and move on. -
Originally posted by Yunhaier:
Hmm... Genreally agree, but note that the one in blue might cause him to evolve for the better or just tilt the edge of this table...? It seemed that you are perfectly fine with him EXCEPT his excessive usage of profanity during arguments and wounded you verbally. Plus a tint of possessiveness to spice things up a little.
He is probably the kind of guys who doesn't knows how to win a verbal conflict through other means, thus his dependence on strong vulgarities to:
I) Enhance strength through words
II) Psychologically 'win' you over through power.
*** Knowing the reasons why isn't sufficient, here, you are facing a man who is oblivious to his fault, or at least, doesn't think that it is really affecting his relationship. Because he doesn't feel threaten in a way, there is no need for him to make improvement and he expects you to suit to him (even to accept him for who he is... is basically a mindset change to suit him isn't it?).
This is usually very common behaviour in any first relationship. For you who have been through three relationship, your experience and everything else probably tells you that 'Hey, this guy may have this fault, but by comparing all three, he is so much better.' while your guy is merely 'this is WHAT I feel...'
Too self absorbed for his own good.
*** You are afraid to move on; not exactly because of the relationship, but rather, [b]you fear that you may make a wrong decision to leave him.
He has to know that what he is doing is degenerating the relationship. If this message is send across firmly, fear will set him to evolve. I am a firm believer of negative-positive; only when one is about to lose something before he would do anything to secure it.
By then, it may mean nothing to you and may have decide to leave the relationship. Regardless, a decision will definitely surface by then.
Cheers [/b] -
Hmm... To start things off, I've got to tell you very honestly that I'm one who had used vulgarity on my gf / ex...Originally posted by sweetevil:Hey Yunhaier,
Thanks for such a detail analysis u have given to me. And also, Thanks everyone for giving your 2cents worth. I really appreciate it. But advices are advices, when it comes to matters of heart concerns, hardly any advice can get into my heart.. cause the heart has no ears and doesnt think. My question now is, does he still deserve another chance? But I don't think that verbal abuse should even be in the dictionary of a relationship to begin with.
Not often and usually in moments of fit angers.. Most of the time I would just try to divert the words on myself.. On myself, on the other partner.. Either way, I'll agree with you that it might not be very healthy (depending on the habits and mentality of the couple involved..).... Each time I used them on her, I would often be very much troubled.. In the previous relationship which I had used such excessively, it had led to a break up shortly.. Initiated by me...
Often there're a couple of guys who use 'vulgarities' on their partner...
1. Normal acceptance type - It's a common language of communication and very okie between the couple.
2. Anger - In fits of anger.
3. Habit - Some people just hang such words around their mouth.
4. Control & dominance - A sense of superiority over gf. Like what Yun has described.
5. Abusive and insensitivity - Doesn't care a damn type.
Generally speaking, you're not one who can accept such and view it rather seriously...? And your bf at least has the habit of using these quite commonly... At this point, it could only mean either more to just that and no less...
To break up because of this? I think it's really your call as different people accept things differently... And how intensely he used his words...
Alot of what Yun has mentioned meant much sense...
My guess is he's really the sensitive type... Relatively inexperienced at maintaining a relationship and perhaps even too absorbed at this point to be focusing... There's no saying for sure which direction he should be heading towards in the future to come....
If you wish to continue in this relationship, there'll have to be alot of change in mindsets to come.... His thoughts are habitally often too self-absorbed... He does 'reflect' but often much later in time when things happens...
Technically speaking, such a kind of guy should have a hidden abusive trait in him... Not to say that he'll certainly be abusive to his gf or would definitely be an abusive guy... His 'nature' also shows him to be more towards such tendency though that might not really happen until things have broken down between you and him...
Just like the way I've described my 'vulgarities'...? Sometimes the direct opposite of love is just 'hate'... And in some cases, such 'hate' can be abusive in nature...
Care to describe more of what ya meant when you said he's getting from bad to worse these years...? Care to share both your star signs? -
In short, I'd keep an eye out for better opportunities if I were you. Without covering any ground that's already been covered in this thread, I'll say this:
Under any circumstances, a string of broken promises stretching over five years is ridiculous. If he can't keep a simple promise to refrain from swearing, how can you expect him to commit to weddding vows?
Also, if he hasn't sorted himself out after all this time, he's either unwilling or unable to treat you right - in either case, the end result's not good for you.
You've noted that your arguments are about "puny matters" and "everything under the sun and moon". If that's the case, don't you think you guys have drifted apart?
As you have yourself noted, the trend's getting worse. Yunhaier has very aptly identified the issue of power here. Your boyfriend's raising the stakes, so you're going to have to work out for yourself how much is enough. Given his aggressive attitude towards any guy who even lays eyes on you, there's a good chance he'll end up doing something that both of you will regret.
Given that you've made this post here, your instinct's already telling you that you've hit the point of "enough". I'd suggest you listen to it. -
Hmm.. guess wad everyone said makes sense . Well i have an experience not a pleasant one but , once while i was working i got to know a gal who later became almost an item with me but , at that time she already wanted to break off with her bf because he has been treating her like shit and all something like this case. but later as she became closer to me , she decided to break off with her bf of 4 yrs , but later the bf start to like try and chase her back realizing she was gonna be gone for good ... and he seriously tried damn hard 2 my dismay , and she was actually touched and wanted to give him another chance .... guess who had to suffer a heartbreak(if u still dunno is limpay!) ya and i tot to myself that "they patch back oso wun last one la , cus things so bad wun be like be4 liaoz " but somehow i was wrong and after that the guys seems to treat her much better and they are still together today ......haiz .......
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a person's character will not change (or change much) and promises r NOT meant to be broken..
sad to say.. its best tt u move on.. -
I shall add on to what i've said in an earlier reply; I, as a guy, think that the masculinity of any guy that abuses his wife/partner/girlfriend ... is suspect ... i'm not going to be an apologist for guys who are abusive towards their "loved' ones ... guys should not do that, period ! there are no ifs, buts, reasons or excuses about it ... i cannot imagine laying a hand on a girl that I love, or spewing vulgarities at her ....
sweetevil, stop all this questioning and wondering, and just move on ! ... -
I am an Aquarius while he is a Scorpion. Tell me about it? If you want chinese astrology - I am born in the year of a Tiger whilst his an Ox. Also, thank you everyone for your continous response. Your advices are useful and will help me in time to come!Originally posted by Devil1976:Care to describe more of what ya meant when you said he's getting from bad to worse these years...? Care to share both your star signs? -
Evil...!Originally posted by Gedanken:In short, I'd keep an eye out for better opportunities if I were you. Without covering any ground that's already been covered in this thread, I'll say this:
Under any circumstances, a string of broken promises stretching over five years is ridiculous. If he can't keep a simple promise to refrain from swearing, how can you expect him to commit to weddding vows?
Also, if he hasn't sorted himself out after all this time, he's either unwilling or unable to treat you right - in either case, the end result's not good for you.
You've noted that your arguments are about "puny matters" and "everything under the sun and moon". If that's the case, don't you think you guys have drifted apart?
As you have yourself noted, the trend's getting worse. Yunhaier has very aptly identified the issue of power here. Your boyfriend's raising the stakes, so you're going to have to work out for yourself how much is enough. Given his aggressive attitude towards any guy who even lays eyes on you, there's a good chance he'll end up doing something that both of you will regret.
Given that you've made this post here, your instinct's already telling you that you've hit the point of "enough". I'd suggest you listen to it.
Anyway, good to see you posting here.
Cheers -
lol.
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if he's using vulgarities on you now, there's no guarantee he would not use physical force on you later if you get married...
Family violence is not rare these days.. but i'm not saying he's a barbarian
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hmm..i admit i did say some nasty words to my ex..and in the end..hmm she break off with mi..and like what black_avarice said..i tried realli damm hard to win back her heart..but in the end..i got lots of hurts from her..and till now..she move on with her life..and treat mi damm badly..maybe u can try ask for a short break..maybe is better..and make him tinks tht he is realli gonna lose u..maybe he will try to win back your heart..and by then..please dun reject him..cause is realli painful..
hmm all the best to all the ppl with couple out there..dun wish to see any1 have the same experience as mi..is realli hurting..and yet the gal u love is enjoying herself..haizz.. -
u said he's in ns now... prob thats y he so vulgar in words
b4 he entered ns, was he so vulgar then? -
Tell him to read today's Sunday Times.
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Ehh, you know me, flitting in and out.Originally posted by M©+square:Evil...!
Anyway, good to see you posting here.
Cheers
Anyway, I wasn't trying to be evil - the lass was already questioning if this was as good as it gets, so I don't reckon she's going to be the type to jump ship until she finds a ship to jump to. -
to jump ship without a ship means jump to sea liao.Originally posted by Gedanken:Ehh, you know me, flitting in and out.
Anyway, I wasn't trying to be evil - the lass was already questioning if this was as good as it gets, so I don't reckon she's going to be the type to jump ship until she finds a ship to jump to. -
scorpios are very intense people. they feel every emotion very strongly. if they are angry, they get VERY angry. many resort to physical means to vent it (by punching a wall), or verbal abuse as in your case. of cos, there is absolutely no reason why you should tolerate this sort of abuse from him. you can do yourself a favour by just leaving him.
BUT!! you are hanging on, even though this has been carrying on, even though you have expressed your hurts due to his tactlessly (which i hope you have really expressed it). no doubt you still love him. and that knowledge in itself is hurtful.
girl, you need to tell him firmly how hurt you are by his vulgar words. that you're ok with him being angry, that you understand he may be under stress, that in r/s, quarrels are inevitable. but you are not going to tolerate anymore verbal abuse because he makes you feel very unappreciated, unloved and insulted.
if you really love him, help him to change. if he is not going to change, you will be even more hesitant to continue a r/s with him, cos i'm sure you definitely don't want to end it in marriage if this carries on. give him support and grow with him. all the best.
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oei oei scorpio is only a starsign and the traits that come along is not confirm true pls do not use that as evidence , and thereby say all scorpios are like that ok . Starsigns give a general guide to ppl but ultimately everyone is different so there arent jus 12 different types of ppl in this worldOriginally posted by starblue:scorpios are very intense people. they feel every emotion very strongly. if they are angry, they get VERY angry. many resort to physical means to vent it (by punching a wall), or verbal abuse as in your case. of cos, there is absolutely no reason why you should tolerate this sort of abuse from him. you can do yourself a favour by just leaving him.
BUT!! you are hanging on, even though this has been carrying on, even though you have expressed your hurts due to his tactlessly (which i hope you have really expressed it). no doubt you still love him. and that knowledge in itself is hurtful.
girl, you need to tell him firmly how hurt you are by his vulgar words. that you're ok with him being angry, that you understand he may be under stress, that in r/s, quarrels are inevitable. but you are not going to tolerate anymore verbal abuse because he makes you feel very unappreciated, unloved and insulted.
if you really love him, help him to change. if he is not going to change, you will be even more hesitant to continue a r/s with him, cos i'm sure you definitely don't want to end it in marriage if this carries on. give him support and grow with him. all the best. -
lolz... ask Yun jie if you're not convinced. personally, i know a few scorpios very personally, and they've all been intensed people. the nature is in them, but it is up to the individual to suppress it for their own good. and it's just that some are better at that than others. besides, being intense isnt a nagative trait. it depends on how he/she displays it. which is why i advised on helping the guy control his temper.Originally posted by black_avarice:oei oei scorpio is only a starsign and the traits that come along is not confirm true pls do not use that as evidence , and thereby say all scorpios are like that ok . Starsigns give a general guide to ppl but ultimately everyone is different so there arent jus 12 different types of ppl in this world
sorry if i made you think i feel scorpios are all violent-prone people. i have absolutely no intention of this and i apologise should i offend any of you here. cheers. -
Reminds me of that show..with huang wen yong as the abusive husband.
Maybe bcos he's in NS, he's afraid of losing you.. He feels insecure about this r/s.. but I dun understand why he expects you to change for him..
I despise men who use violence on girls. Be it verbal or physical. I juz hate that. Dun think any girl deserves that kind of treatment.